I think everyone does this - you certainly are not alone, as dancestoblue's hilarious anecdote illustrates. If you are anything like me, you get the added bonus of replaying the awkward, embarrassing scenes in an endless loop in your head for days afterward.

Probably two things will help: the first is to well and truly believe that you are a person worthy of love and happiness and equal to everyone you encounter. Confidence in yourself as a deserving human with... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 4:14 AM on June 5, 2008

Vaseline.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 5:22 PM on June 1, 2008

This story infuriates me so, and I have to agree with h00py. Girls and young women are often taught by culture to be and feel very passive in the face of bullying and domineering from men, especially, especially if they have "let" the man have sex with them. Though culturally this is changing, a girl - she was 17! - would have to be incredibly strong and precociously confident to take the upper hand in the situation she describes. A vanishingly small percentage... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 5:09 AM on May 31, 2008

I was sort of in your position a few months ago. Had declared "no more dating," started working on myself, plunging my energies into the community, my friends, work, volunteer projects, and running. I had just begun to work very hard in therapy to understand my intimacy issues (er, commitmentphobia) and focus on myself and what makes me happy.

BAM! Dude comes along. I pushed him away as I was doing the same thing you were doing. It was important! I had... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 6:40 AM on May 30, 2008

Have you ever read "The Stone Diaries" by Carol Shields? It is a portrait of a woman's life told through the eyes of various people that make up her world. The portrait is fragmented and contradictory, and it is a wonderful example of how the truth can be relative, contextual, and fluid. Do any of us know what objective truth is?

This book helped me immensely with accepting what you're struggling with. We sometimes have to accept people and situations as... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 2:11 PM on May 29, 2008

As others have mentioned, there is a wide spectrum of behavior, from those who don't kiss or touch prior to marriage to those who do everything on the first date. Really. Even in my 30's I know people at each end of the continuum and all along its length. I think you hear more about the extreme ends, as we always do with behavioral continua.

As nicwolff said, people have always been sexual and always will be. The difference is in how much it is discussed and how... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 3:32 AM on May 28, 2008

I would say that you and Mr. Darling have decided to drive her yourselves, you in the morning and he in the afternoon, in order to have special one-on-one time with her. She'll soon be out of the house, and you feel each moment is precious. Well up a bit.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 1:15 PM on May 27, 2008

Um, did anyone see the tags?

OP, have you read through the alcohol posts on the green? There are people farther down the road than you who wish they weren't there. You don't need gin or anything else to survive school or whatever life brings you - you are fully capable of facing anything. It's also okay to talk to a therapist about these things - nothing wrong with getting help. We all need help sometimes.

I wish you the best of luck and... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 2:35 AM on May 27, 2008

No way I could improve on granted's advice (bowing to her), but here is one thing that struck me:

and I get afraid that the other shoe's going to drop, and that I'm not doing enough to keep him around.

Keep *him* around? What about shifting your perspective and wondering what he's doing to keep *you* around? Isn't that worth a look? A guy worth his salt is going to be wondering the same thing. He should earn you. That's... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 5:44 PM on May 26, 2008

I think one of the hardest things about growing up is the narrowing of options and choices. When you're in high school and undergrad, the world is your *oyster* and infinite paths are available to you! Anything's possible! You can be anyone and do anything! Blah, blah, and so on.

With each choice you make, and with each commitment, your field narrows. You are now a *insert career here* and not a person of infinite possibility. You now live in *insert city here* and... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 4:40 PM on May 26, 2008

Oh, wow, nadawi...you know of what you speak! (I'm female).

Only thing I can add to the excellent suggestions above is:
-softly touching nipples over clothes (this is a thriller, really)
-lightly kissing ears/ears area
-I nth the grabbing hair thing if she's a bit sub - that's wonderful
-grabbing, taking hold, in general, is a super turn on for girls
-feel free to pick her up and throw her down on the... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 8:16 PM on May 25, 2008

Don't you deserve better than this?
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 7:07 PM on May 23, 2008

I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry you are hurting. However, think of it this way...it is an honor when you trust your friends with the things that are meaningful to you. That's how friendship progresses...when people share more and more and are able to be there for each other. I normally am like you and *never* lean on my friends, but today I had a minor crisis, called everyone, and my friends were AWESOME, worrying about me, praying for me, suggesting solutions, and letting me know... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 6:49 PM on May 23, 2008

Hey y'all, thanks so much for sharing your own passport-losing experiences and cheering me up. Great suggestions all around...HeyAllie, I will take your suggestion and call his hotel prior to the marathon to wish him luck; cabingirl, thanks for the great idea to send flowers. jeanmari, I will try to look at it the way you are suggesting and find the silver lining, and for those of you who said there is perhaps a reason, I tend to agree.

I've never needed a passport... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 5:12 PM on May 23, 2008

Referring to a rainstorm: "That was a frog-strangler."

"If it was a snake, it woulda bit him." Referring to something being nearby.

"You can't shake a stick without hitting a Yankee around here."

"I'm gonna knock you into next week." (My father to us children. When we were little.)

The well-publicized "That dog won't hunt" referring to... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 7:36 AM on May 8, 2008

Years ago someone told me that the best way to serve the world was to do exactly what makes you happy. If everyone followed their bliss, instead of doing what they believe they "should" do, the world would be a happier place.

Joseph Campbell said that every knight has to find his own path through the forest. Listen to the music inside of yourself and find your unique path. You give to the world when you are truly, authentically yourself.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 7:29 AM on May 8, 2008

This happens to me as well. I'm a neuroscientist and don't know of a name for it, but I'm out of academia now so not so current.

The other night, I forgot how to do addition and realized after the fact I'd left the waiter an extremely large tip due to my faulty calculations.

I've noticed more mistakes with "easy" calculations and spelling as I get older. I've seen the same in my friends' emails -- people spelling "too"... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 4:07 AM on April 14, 2008

Violetk, I'm in a similar situation and completely understand your confusion and uncertainty. I think it is quite difficult to be presented with a wonderful guy and not feel quite ready for a full-blown relationship. Timing, timing, timing. I wanted to chime in and let you know I understand your feelings and don't think you are bad or wrong for wondering about this and posing this question.

First, I think you should be honest with him about where you are. That's... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 6:21 AM on April 11, 2008

We have the same coloring, and I find Jergens Natural Glow to be fantastic. There is an option for fair skin and a separate face product. I believe the resulting color is natural and subtle. I feel much more comfortable exposing my whitey-white-white legs after a few days using this product. It looks nice on one's face, too. I am aware that self-tanning products produce idiosyncratic results, so try it on parts of your legs first that don't show.

The only... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 11:25 AM on March 24, 2008

[tastybrains, oops, I didn't preview. My bad.]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 11:26 AM on March 24, 2008

I gave up. You just have to make the decision, which you've already done. You then have to remind yourself of your decision every time you slip into thinking along the lines of the cultural paradigm that you have to meet someone in order to be a normal human being.

Along with that, you focus on what you want YOUR life to be. What do you want it to look like in five years, ten, twenty, and so forth? What knowledge would you like to have gained?... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 9:20 AM on March 20, 2008 marked best answer

Wow - read the excerpt from the book prefpara linked to! Interesting!

P.S. Thanks, prefpara, for that reference.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 10:11 AM on March 20, 2008

dgaicun: That information is so interesting, and I'm glad you added that. I read a rebuttal to the study(ies) you cited recently and, unfortunately, cannot remember the source. However, a statistician demonstrated that either men are inflating or women are deflating their numbers, because if everyone is heterosexual, the discrepancy is statistically impossible. I believe the conclusion was that women were under-reporting, even on anonymous surveys.

Such is the... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 3:36 AM on March 20, 2008

I believe the high-intensity interval training (HIIT) studies demonstrated increased fat loss vs. training that did not vary in intensity throughout a session. They also showed more fat loss in a shorter session than a longer, non-variable intensity workout. Perhaps this is what your friend is thinking of?

Anecdotal evidence: I run marathons and, in addition to daily runs of approximately one hour, do long runs once per week... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 12:42 PM on March 19, 2008 marked best answer

This is a great post. I think all of us who are real and sincere people have been confronted with this issue.

Recommended by many mefites is a wonderful book that has been incredibly interesting to me as a self-improvement tool: Intimate Connections by David D. Burns. Because of so many metafilter recommendations, I ordered the book and was amazed at how insightful and interesting it was. Though he focuses on "loneliness" and people who are trying to... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 8:11 AM on March 19, 2008

I think you had your finger on it when you mentioned "codependency."

I don't know how much you have delved into this, but, this is going to sound so cheesy, you have to learn to love and value yourself.

I have no idea what made you codependent. Learning to value and take care of yourself is a tough process that involves finding a good therapist and working really hard, but it is incredibly rewarding.

If... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 3:20 PM on March 5, 2008

Everyone above is exactly right. The most important thing is you have to NOT CARE. It is ironic that I am capitalizing that. Who cares? She is doing what she is doing. Let her do what she is doing. Do your job. Love your life. Live your life. Enjoy it! Everything is perfect, just as it is. I don't want to annoy you but you should listen to desjardins.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 4:55 PM on March 3, 2008

I think there is individual variability in hair growth, but I go every two weeks. Also, no maintenance in between, according to my waxer - she is adamant about no plucking. I agree - it is amazing the difference it makes!
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 5:44 AM on February 29, 2008 marked best answer

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I'm also in the U.S. - and here - if you mention these things to your GP - s/he will refer you to a psychiatrist AND/or probably prescribe and antidepressant/anxiolytic (anti-anxiety med).

S.B. covered it really well up there, so I'm just hopping in to mention, if this helps, that I've been told that shame is an unproductive emotion - it doesn't produce change. Try not to focus on shame, but focus on what you can do to change, if... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 1:52 PM on February 26, 2008

Oh, man, I am so sorry. I have been there, which is why I am now in business and got OUT of academia. I agree with the above posters - a lawsuit will likely suck your time and money. Good luck.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 7:41 PM on February 22, 2008

I am so sorry! I went through the same thing with my male kitty - it was horrifying.

1) Lots of love and care while he is in the Elizabethan collar - this is depressing for them. Help him eat/drink, as this is difficult.

2) I switched to newspaper (you may also use shredded paper from your office) in the litter box. This prevents the grains of litter from getting into the wound. Five years in, I still use newspaper and it is so much... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 3:26 PM on February 14, 2008

I'm with Gucky - I notice people most. I notice their moods and emotions, what they're wearing, what they seem to be about, who they seem to be. They fascinate me.

Great thread.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 1:08 PM on February 12, 2008

I read your question a couple of times, and it seems to me you are focused on what he wants. Don't you think your needs are important to him, as someone he has chosen to love and live with for so long? It almost sounds like you are scared that if you utter the "M" word, he is going to automatically kick you out of the house, no questions asked. Did it never, ever come up, ever? In nine years? Is there precedent here?

You have every... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 5:10 AM on January 5, 2008

Aw, you are such great offspring! Very sweet. And, being unlucky in love myself, I sympathize with your dad (and you). Hope he bounces back soon.

My first thought was to make one of those photo albums you can order online with jpegs of your dad, you, and your sister all through your lives. These rarely fail to touch even the most masculine-ishly unemotional of hearts. On the title page you could have printed something like "Thanks for being the greatest dad... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 4:08 PM on December 13, 2007

I have my Ph.D. in behavioral neuroscience (psychology department). I did two postdocs and had two good faculty jobs. I loved grad school and disliked being a professor. I now work in business and love it. I will break down what I believe are MY reasons for the above statements (others undoubtedly have different experiences):

--Grad school is great because you are learning at a tremendous rate and exposed to so many exciting new ideas with a team of similar-aged... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 11:57 AM on December 11, 2007

I totally understand how you feel - you sound like a perfectionist who is very hard on yourself. You likely regard others with a much more forgiving eye than you cast on yourself.

A few things that have helped me with these issues:

1. Pretend that you are regarding a friend of yours instead of yourself when judging yourself and your actions. Would you be so harsh? This often helps shift your perspective.

2. Know... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 2:18 PM on November 25, 2007

Oh, man, I know exactly what you mean. I've never actually had a romantic relationship where I depended on the person that way, but I have had friendships end for whatever reason (she gets a new boyfriend and disappears, moves, has a child) and it is really hard at first when that happens. You have a go-to person - the one you pick up your mobile to call when something happens - and then they are gone and you have no one to "report" to. I actually think that is one of the most... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 6:43 AM on November 4, 2007

I have to sympathize with stewriffic and mygothlaundry, as I am in the same situation in NC. Mygothlaundry had it right in saying that there is a tremendous luck + geography component in terms of nerdy hetero men density, and we are not in a nerdy hetero men-dense area.

Continue with the online dating, though I do understand how snoozifying many of the "matches" are. In my case, I get tons of NASCAR dudes, which, okay. I am nerdy and liberal. Unlikely.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 11:10 AM on October 19, 2007 marked best answer

Seconding D.C. that looks have much, if not mostly, to do with confidence and happiness. You would be surprised at how much of beauty radiates from within. If you observe social dynamics around you, not television, you will see that people are drawn to warm, happy, giving people who SMILE, not to people who are withdrawn or insecure, no matter what they look like.

I agree that this should be a central issue you discuss with your therapist. This is going to take a... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 2:36 AM on October 18, 2007

Women quickly learn that eye contact with men, and especially smiles, often leads to unwanted attention or interactions. Most normal, sane, friendly guys do *not* overinterpret general goodwill. However, there are some men who seem to think that because you look at them, you want to sleep with them, and it tends to ruin it for the rest of you.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 12:27 PM on October 17, 2007

If you are willing to go in drag, I went as Angelina Jolie last year and got a bunch of different colored baby dolls at the dollar store and tied them all over me. It offended some people. Lots of lipstick, big sunglasses.

I think the Michael Vick idea is the most shocking of all the ones listed above.
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 10:38 AM on October 15, 2007

I love your name, and as you continue in your career you will notice certain advantages. I have an unusual name that is unique and does not convey gender. I have learned that people remember unusual names, and this can work to your advantage.

1) Pronunciation: I'm afraid that after correcting someone once, you just have to get used to it or let it go. After three years, my boss still mispronounces my name. I have learned to live with it, and it doesn't bother me... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 7:52 AM on October 15, 2007

It sounds as though she already trusts you if she could share something so personal and painful with you. It sounds like she already has opened up to you.

What are your behavioral definitions of trust? Opening up? In other words, if she opened up, how do you believe her behavior would differ - how would you know she was opening up? Because really, it sounds like she already trusts you and is open with you.

Other than that, the answer is... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 2:00 AM on October 15, 2007

Hey, I am not familiar with the actual study you reference, but you might try "anticipation of reward" or "craving" as mentioned in this summary from NIDA.

You might want to also visit pubmed and search for Koob at Scripps - he does quite a bit of this work as well.

It is likely rats, who are the preferred model for drug addiction research. I'll check back in the morning and do a more thorough search if you haven't had... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 4:45 PM on October 13, 2007

Hey Powercat, awesome - glad you asked the question and it helped you make a healthy decision. I am dying to go nuts on this one, because I'm a neuroscientist and this is my specialty area, but it's been well covered above. The only thing I'd emphasize is that changes to the brain resulting from amphetamine abuse can be permanent - and in the opposite direction from the changes the drugs induce acutely.

Netflix or rent "Requiem for a Dream."
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 3:01 PM on October 13, 2007

The best advice I have ever received on this topic is that both people have to want it for it to work. Have you ever gotten that annoying email fwd that says, in part, "If a man wants to be with you, nothing can keep him away; if he doesn't want to be with you, nothing can make him stay?" It rhymes and sounds dippy, but I have found that to be the utter truth. (I imagine it is true in any gender mixture, but, like you, I'm a female who dates males).... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 10:17 AM on October 12, 2007

How long have you been there? Some research (e.g. this paper) shows that acclimatization via the heat shock protein response takes approximately 5-7 days. However, there are certainly individual differences in response to hot and humid environments, as you have witnessed with your girlfriend.

I think the people who have "learned to love it" really have - perhaps because of the adaptions via physiological mechanisms and might, physically, find it more... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 8:34 AM on October 11, 2007

Anonymous, I get what you are saying, so thanks for the follow up post.

I think part of what is going on here is that you are (as many of us, including me, do) conflating several things, and that is causing you to feel badly. It seems that you've got being single with no prospects and warts and maybe even other stuff all balled up into one thing. When I do this, I force myself, if I can, to be rational, like a robot or a computer program.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 7:27 AM on October 6, 2007

I understand your concerns. You don't say how tall you are, but I am short, and small people just can't eat as much as big people. HOWEVER. Echoing the posters above, you gotta eat, and life is for livin', not for starvin'. I say run, young girl, run. You do not have to be fast. You do not have to be coordinated. I am a distance runner, and run one marathon per year. I run about 5 days a week, with a long run on the weekends, usually 10+ miles. When you do this, you can eat like a big... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 6:54 AM on October 6, 2007

As a former professor, I promise that most, if not all, professors will be delighted that someone is interested in their work and happy to hear from someone who wants to work with them. Now, if you are contacting the supreme expert at MIT or Yale or something, they might have inboxes full of these requests, but most professors who aren't the grand poobah of their fields are thrilled when people are interested. Occasionally you meet a stinker, but most will be complimented rather than annoyed.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by frumious bandersnatch at 10:41 AM on October 2, 2007