Did you follow these steps?

No, because I'm an idiot. Thank you for your help. It's working again. And my little cousins thank you, too. They think I'm a genius.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:18 PM on September 6, 2008

I've actually been in this same situation. After Hurricane Katrina, my wife's entire family moved into our small home. I had 22 people living in our three bedroom, bath and a half home for over five weeks. And yes, patience runs out quickly.

The important thing is to be direct. Don't make excuses. You don't need to. It's your home. Don't be vague. Simply say that it's time for them to move on, either to another home or back to the church. No need to apologize. She's done... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 9:51 AM on June 10, 2008

Louisiana here. My nieces call my father Bumpy. It was first Gumpy, then it became Grumpy, then it became Bumpy. My mother is called Magenta, like some dog on Blue's Clues.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:14 PM on May 15, 2008

Best answers I can give, with my handicap of being American:

1. This will only happen if you die fairly young. Old organs aren't worth much. You can, however, donate your longbones to help with folks whose bones have deteriorated due to cancer. It's a pretty invasive technique and it will keep you from being able to go with Route #2. As others have said, medical schools want complete bodies, not chunks.

3. Curious about necrophilia? I've got... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 7:03 PM on May 14, 2008

Give in to their demands. Buy 11 ice creams. Give them the ten they asked for. Get your doll back.

Then, after the ice cream has been consumed, send an email thanking them for playing fairly and for providing them with amusement. Attach photo of 11th ice cream container floating in the toilet and ask, "So, who got the tainted pint?"
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:56 AM on May 14, 2008

Photos from my most recent Graceland pilgrimage.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:23 PM on May 2, 2008

Tipitina's Foundation. The mission of the Tipitina’s Foundation is to support Louisiana’s irreplaceable music community and preserve the state’s unique musical cultures. The history of the Tipitina’s Foundation originates from the Tipitina’s music venue, a revered New Orleans cultural icon that continues to be instrumental in the development and promotion of Louisiana music around the world. The Foundation works to support childhood music education, the professional development of... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 8:55 PM on April 27, 2008 marked best answer

Try the shops of South Congress. Lots of great shops and restaurants down there.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2008 marked best answer

Hey, don't ask me. I was born into it!

There are two basic kinds of funeral homes: corporate funeral homes and family funeral homes. I work for my family. Third generation funeral director. My sisters and my brother are also morticians. As are both my parents, my uncle, my grandfather, and my great-uncle. I did many other things before I went into the family business, but...as family businesses tend to do, I got pulled in kicking and screaming. It's still a strange fit... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 9:38 AM on April 16, 2008 marked best answer

I am interested in going to mortuary school. Particularly, I'm quite interested in the up-and-coming green burial movement.

These two ideas are somewhat contradictory. The green burial movement stresses burials without the assistance of funeral professionals. They are generally done without embalming (which is a process taught in mortuary school) and without traditional caskets (which is one of the areas where traditional funeral homes make a good bit... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:56 PM on February 11, 2008

As I mentioned earlier, the focus of green funerals (mostly) is burials without the assistance of funeral homes. Going to mortuary school in order to conduct green funerals would be akin to going to a culinary academy so that you could teach others how to cook for themselves--which is not a bad idea until you weigh in the cost of school.

Again, I'm not trying to dissuade you. Just presenting the facts as I see them. I hear a lot of talk about "green funerals",... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 11:18 AM on February 12, 2008

See, though the Simpsons is absurd and ridiculous at times, in many ways it succeeded in doing exactly what Matt Groening had hoped for: it conveyed more honestly suburban family life than any past or contemporary sappy sitcoms.

Actually, I'm not sure this is true. I remember reading way back that Matt Groening said that he wanted "The Simpsons" to be realistic, in that nothing would happen on the show that couldn't conceivably happen in real... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:32 PM on January 1, 2008

If this is where you get your views on Southerners, you're way way way off. There's a huge difference between common Southern people and Appalachian Snake Handlers.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:35 PM on January 1, 2008

(Technically, KotH is set in fictional "Arlen" (which is, in fact, "darlin'), which is a stand in for Garland, Texas)
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:36 PM on January 1, 2008

If, however, you enjoyed "Salvation on Sand", you'd also probably like Burkhard Bilger's fantastic "Noodling for Flatheads."
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:38 PM on January 1, 2008

I'd also recommend WJ Cash's Mind of the South.

For southern fiction, I'd suggest the underrated Charles Portis's "Dog of the South" which mostly takes place in Mexico, but has a true southern voice that isn't full of syrup and sassafrass.

And you also might like to read "Judgment and Grace in Dixie: Southern Faiths from Faulkner to Elvis", which ties in religion, politics, Southern culture and pop culture.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:47 PM on January 1, 2008 marked best answer

When I say "more human" I mean exactly that, a compassionate and realistic portrayal of Southerners as people and not as stock characters to throw out there (dumb/slow, ultra-religious, etc).

Fair enough. My apologies.

For films, Junebug comes to mind as a wonderful example of someone seeing the real south and not just a series of stereotypes.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:54 PM on January 1, 2008

An old article, but...Exposure in films doesn't please all Southerners
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 6:06 PM on January 1, 2008

My three year old daughter and I love to play games at Orisinal. Most of them are non-violent. Plus, they're all really, really beautiful.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 2:13 PM on December 31, 2007

Let this be a warning to you.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:20 PM on December 17, 2007

High temperature, good filters, and they often do the work in the middle of the night. Believe me, if you did smell burnt flesh, you'd probably know it. It's a sickly sweet smell. Like in a Chinese restaurant.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 10:30 AM on December 17, 2007

I was told they threw old beans in with the bodies, but I have no idea of that's true.

That is almost certainly not true. At 1500 degrees, coffee beans would instantly be char, it's unlikely that you'd smell anything directly from them.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 12:48 PM on December 17, 2007

In this month's Esquire magazine, Michael J. Fox mentions that when his dad died, he was strongly tempted to get a tattoo to match his fathers: a horseshoe surrounding a horse's head. He explains that alcohol led him to think this was a good idea. After much debate, he sobered up and was glad he didn't get the tattoo.

As he explains to his kids, "Your tattoo should be not having a tattoo." Wise words, Marty.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 10:28 AM on December 14, 2007

You can get a medical care proxy that extends to funeral care...I saw my first one this weekend. As many others have said, power of attorney ends at death. One other thing to consider: in many states, next-of-kin means ALL next of kin. So, if you have five kids, ALL FIVE have to agree on final disposition. Only a court-order can allow you to go forward without consensus. Final disposition includes burial at sea and cremation, but not traditional burial.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 9:23 AM on December 13, 2007

Armadillo tastes an awful lot like raccoon. Both of which I've had in spaghetti (think: meat sauce) and jambalya (good sausage hides the gamey-ness of the other meat). Cook it like you would any other red meat...though, now that I think of it, I can't remember the meat actually being red.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 8:39 AM on December 13, 2007

I've read and re-read this question all morning, trying to come up with a truthful answer that doesn't sound flip or obvious. But the truth is...I don't have a good answer because I've never really figured out how to do this myself.

Like you, I work in an industry where the usually-hidden realities of death are a day-to-day occurrence, unavoidable and painful. Last night, I had to remove a body, burned beyond all recognition from a still-smoking car, and then before I... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 12:55 PM on December 11, 2007

I've worked on several local campaigns in Louisiana and Texas. Here's what works: going out and meeting people. Everywhere. Restaurants (tip well and shake hands). Churches. (Go as the guest of a member or speak to the pastor beforehand). Be cheerful and genuine. Listen. Take notes. Follow up. Remember people. Go to funerals of well-known people (or at least wakes). Have someone you trust co-ordinate your campaign for you. Do NOT try to do it all yourself.

Don't call... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 6:56 PM on November 28, 2007

Also: when printing signs...avoid red, white, and blue. Pick a color scheme that's unique (brown and blue, blue and green, green and yellow) and be consistent with it. Buy him a tie in those colors (really...this works. if you find a tie in his color scheme, buy dozens of them and have it be his "thing").
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 7:00 PM on November 28, 2007

But I feel like there's nothing I can do. I just have to play along, and let him figure this out (or not figure it out) in his own head.

And there's your answer. None of the the characteristics you've named make him gay. Sexual attraction to men makes him gay. Be patient and be his friend. You can't control how he feels or who he is.

As someone who is straight, but with a lot of gay friends, gay mannerisms, and frequent... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 11:52 AM on November 6, 2007

Christmas card photos should be wildly offensive to those who've suffered tragedy in the previous year.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 9:00 AM on November 3, 2007 marked best answer

Snipe hunt. Don't forget to bang those sticks together!
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 10:13 PM on October 20, 2007

I've had to clean up a few pretty grisly scenes. It's as horrible as you'd imagine. One particular time: man shot himself in the middle of his living room with a snub-nose pistol. His body was found by his ten year old son.

The force of the blast made his head shatter internally, but it stayed together mostly as he hit the ground. When we moved him to the cot, however, we found that blood and other viscera had leaked out of the back of his skull, staining a 7-inch... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 9:02 PM on October 12, 2007 marked best answer

Two words: lime pillows.

I coincidentally just spoke with a man who works in bed and mattress sales at the mall and he suggested that it would dry faster if you stood the mattress up, therefore allowing air to flow down either side.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 6:41 AM on October 8, 2007

One thing that makes Willie Nelson a legend is that he makes time after all of his shows to personally greet fans. When I met him outside of Stubb's in Austin a few years back, he was really nice and soft spoken. My wife (fiance at the time) told him that we were planning to use a song of his as our first wedding dance.

"Which one?" Willie Nelson asked.

"Valentine." she answered.

"That's a good song," Willie replied.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:43 PM on October 1, 2007

I am a professional funeral director in America and I'm not employed by SCI or any other conglomerate. Feel free to email me with any questions you might have. I'm not familiar with UK Customs and Practices, but I may be able to help you with other aspects. Despite some popular opinions, my job is to help the bereaved, not take advantage of them. I serve with dignity and compassion.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 9:09 PM on September 25, 2007

KGSR in Austin.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 8:10 PM on September 25, 2007

To clarify, the amusements are not for my kids, but for my funeral home. I'm a little leery of crayons and markers. The Magic Sketch pads are a good suggestion, and I like the idea of the little slidey puzzles, too. I'll hit Oriental Merchandise next time I'm down in New Orleans.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 12:26 PM on September 17, 2007

For morticians, clergy, or anyone who may ever die (or know anyone who might die one day) The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 4:34 AM on September 12, 2007

Mine say, "Keeping the fun in funeral." Or "We'll cover up your little mistakes" Or "We'll be the last folks to let you down."*

* (No, not really, but when I'm more comfortable with my career choice, maybe.)
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 6:34 AM on August 30, 2007

Caffrey Gallery in Baton Rouge
Grandmother's Buttons in St. Francisville
Vermilionville
Tabasco Country Store
Find other ideas at Country Roads Magazine
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 11:32 AM on August 29, 2007

Or, if you're looking for something unique: give her some wood.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 11:37 AM on August 29, 2007

(paging ColdChef?)
Sorry. Batteries on my pager must have died. Feel free to email me with any specific questions.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 7:35 AM on August 20, 2007

When I lived in Austin, we used to love to go down to Town Lake and rent a canoe. It's super cheap, and we'd drift out into the middle of the lake or a shady part and smooch. May be a little hot for that right now, though.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 7:11 AM on August 17, 2007

Stop Smiling: The Magazine for High-minded Lowlifes

I've recently been turned on to this one and I find it fantastic. The Southern issue is amazing, if that's your cup of sweet tea.

Also: Esquire is quite good. And Playboy is not as good as it once was, but it's still better than almost everything else. Paste is pricey, but worth it.

The Believer will never be as good as Might.

I've taken The... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:18 PM on August 14, 2007

GOOD is not bad. More style than substance so far, but I'm holding out hope for it.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:19 PM on August 14, 2007

I love when people bring kids to funerals. Gives me someone to play with during the service. I keep crayons and coloring books in my desk so kids have something to play with.

Go with your gut. You know your kid better than us. But, professionally speaking, there's nothing terribly traumatic in a modern funeral. Even when viewing the body. Kids have a remarkable way of seeing a dead person and saying, "Oh, I get it." Much better than weepy-ass teenage girls.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 5:04 PM on August 14, 2007

The Opposite of Sex
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 2:39 PM on July 19, 2007

The Del Close skull story was debunked in 2006. Shame, really. It's a great story.

As a morbid person, I'm intrigued by the idea of keeping the skull of someone. As an undertaker, I'm glad it's not my problem. The usual way of preserving a skull (from what I've read) is to have it removed from the body (I have no idea who would do this for you. It would be a painstaking and messy process and fairly disturbing for whoever would do it.), packed in ice, and shipped to a... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 10:39 PM on June 21, 2007

Ah! Wait! From an article on the Skulls Unlimited website:

Recently, a model at an art school e-mailed to ask how much it would cost, after her death, to turn her into a skeleton the school could use. Villemarette quoted a price of $7,500, with a discount for prepayment.

So...not out of the question, but not cheap.
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 10:41 PM on June 21, 2007

I put the question to my fellow morticians this morning. We had over 80 years of combined experience working on this. Here's what we've come up with:

1. Get it in writing from the soon-to-be-deceased. Legal rights end at death, but it may save you from the headache of trying to convince the authorities that these were his wishes. (And by "in writing", I'm talking lawyers and all. Close all those loopholes.)

2. If his wife is still alive,... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by ColdChef at 8:08 AM on June 22, 2007 marked best answer