February 11, 2002

8:39 AM

Chocolate french fries?I thought Heinz might have gone too far with green ketchup, but Cocoa Crispers, "brown chocolate fries designed for kids with a sweet tooth" really make my stomach turn. Also announced: Crunchy Rings - basically Tater Tots with a hole in the middle. Yum.
posted by ry (38 comments total)

I kind of like the sweet-salty combination....
posted by mariko at 8:45 AM on February 11, 2002

Here's another story about the new products, and it's even more interesting because it goes into more detail and sounds like a press release or something.

I love product marketing. Let's make sure we use all the words the kids are using today: RADICAL and FUNKY and COOL. Though, oddly, EXTREME is nowhere to be found.

Question: how will you know if the Kool Blue fries are blue or if there's something wrong with them?
posted by sassone at 8:55 AM on February 11, 2002

where can i find them!!!!!!
posted by bunnyfire at 8:55 AM on February 11, 2002

Oh, also please note at the bottom of the Newstream.com link above, in the "About Heinz" section: the list of Heinz brands includes StarKist, 9 Lives, Kibbles and Bits, Weight Watchers, Boston Market, and...LINDA MCCARTNEY!
posted by sassone at 9:03 AM on February 11, 2002

Sweet and salty always works. How about this new Pizza Hut thing where they give you free Cinnamon Sticks with pizzas? I don't get that, the last thing I want after three slices of meat lovers/cheese filled crust is another 3000 grams of carbohydrates.
posted by jeremias at 9:13 AM on February 11, 2002

Newstream.com is a free press release service, which is why that other "story" sounds like a press release (it is).


bunnyfire, you'll have to wait until May.
posted by briank at 9:22 AM on February 11, 2002

I think that the marketing slogan for the chocolate fries should be "Because American kids aren't fat enough!"
posted by Harry Hopkins' Hat at 9:27 AM on February 11, 2002

Harry: Maybe the good folks at Heinz are hoping that injecting traditionally weight-inducing french fries with enough sugar, pudgy American children will be so tweaked out they'll run around and work off all that fat. I think the marketing slogan for this should be: "Cocoa Crispers: Have You Ever Seen a Fat Meth Addict?"
posted by tpl1212 at 9:40 AM on February 11, 2002

This is such welcome news! The creation of these new fries means I'll no longer have to manually dip my fries in my special cinnamon-sugar-chocolate powder. Think of the time I'll save! One question though... how long until potatoes are genetically engineered for these flavors and colors, so I can harvest them from my garden for that fresh picked taste? God Bless America, snack food king of the Universe!
posted by martk at 9:50 AM on February 11, 2002

All they need now is a "Funky-Fry" mascot who can be put into video games, merchandising, etc. The kids need something to occupy their minds while they sit blankly eating these things. How about "Franco the Funky Fry and the Angioplasty Balloon Racing Game" for a premise? Any better ideas?
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:50 AM on February 11, 2002

Jeremias: it's Domino's that has the Cinnamon sticks. And I agree. It seems like an odd combo to me.
posted by sassone at 10:10 AM on February 11, 2002

Domino's cinnamon sticks, much like Pizza Hut's (and practically all pizzarias') breadsticks, are simply an excuse to make something with all that extra pizza dough that gets dropped on the floor. Cinnamon-sugar and garlic-parmesan are both excellent concealers of rat hair, dustballs, and insect parts.
posted by Danelope at 10:22 AM on February 11, 2002

The cinnamon sticks are there because they can make them with the dough they use for breadsticks and/or pizza crust. Virtually no additional inventory is required.

Chocolate french fries are a terrible idea. It's bad enough to have the normal potato quantity of carbs in the fries (the carbs are essentially a signal that says to your body, "you are in a time of plenty, store all the fat you can for the lean times ahead") but adding more is just dumb.
posted by kindall at 10:23 AM on February 11, 2002

Just yesterday, my husband was blaming the "gross-out" push of the Nickelodeon channel on this current craze for oddly-colored foods.

I know others here have made the point, but this statement is so wrong:
"We asked the kids what would make them want to eat more French fries," said John Carroll, managing director of North American potatoes and snacks for Heinz' frozen food division.

That's like asking what would make kids drink more soda. I didn't realize the little sugar-and-fat-freaks were lax in their non-essential food consumption. It was not too long ago that the Surgeon General had been saying that obesity was an endemic American problem.

I know it's Heinz's business to make a buck through junk food, but let off for a moment, will ya Heinz?
posted by meep at 10:34 AM on February 11, 2002

The creation of these new fries means I'll no longer have to manually dip my fries in my special cinnamon-sugar-chocolate powder.

Dear God, we're twins. And here I thought I was the only person on the face of the Earth who did that. Except that I add chili powder to the mix on occasion.

Most excellent with champagne, as is poutine.
posted by ebarker at 10:37 AM on February 11, 2002

tpl1212 writes: I think the marketing slogan for this should be: "Cocoa Crispers: Have You Ever Seen a Fat Meth Addict?"

Which begs the question, where are our methamphetamine-laced french fries? And why no Ridalin-flavored ketchup? Heinz really dropped the ball on that one.
posted by UnReality at 10:50 AM on February 11, 2002

Ech. My life is plagued, on a daily basis, by the horrific prospect of poutine. (Sorry, yrth, but I had to do it.)

An old roommate of mine used to order french fries and a Frosty(tm) from Wendy's and then commit the unspeakable act of dipping the former in the latter. I now live on my own, thankfully.
posted by Danelope at 10:55 AM on February 11, 2002

I discovered poutine in high school (it's not that common here in the South (United States)), and it's been a favorite since.

The trick is to bastardize it, so as not to have a sodden lump of goo. I over-fry my potatoes so they are extra crunchy, lay them out on a pan, sprinkle on cheese and broil, then ladle the chicken gravy over them and dust well with pepper. But, to each their own.

And fries in a Frosty? That Is Just Sick. (see above, re: to each their own)
posted by ebarker at 11:08 AM on February 11, 2002

Danelope, my cousin does the same thing with McDonald's fries and vanilla milkshake. I thought it was disgusting, but I tried one, and the sweet/salty thing going there is actually not too bad.

In other news, while Ritalin ketchup sounds good, people are forgetting that it's the Boomers that are the biggest spending block right now...what about Viagra Fries or Metamucil Ketchup?

I've thoroughly terrified myself now. I'll stop.
posted by verso at 11:10 AM on February 11, 2002

Danelope, my cousin does the same thing with McDonald's fries and vanilla milkshake. I thought it was disgusting, but I tried one, and the sweet/salty thing going there is actually not too bad.

In other news, while Ritalin ketchup sounds good, people are forgetting that it's the Boomers that are the biggest spending block right now...what about Viagra Fries or Metamucil Ketchup?

I've thoroughly terrified myself now. I'll stop.
posted by verso at 11:16 AM on February 11, 2002

I've liked honey on my chips for years. It's that sweet-salt thing mentioned above. Never thought about chocolate, but I have done the pretzel/chocolate thing, and it was pretty good, too.

I'll be damned if I'm going to try it where any of you could see me, though....
posted by dwivian at 11:19 AM on February 11, 2002

I have new a nice new pair of boots and this thread just made me vomit all over them.
Thank you all.
posted by dong_resin at 11:23 AM on February 11, 2002

It's one thing to enjoy the occasional sweet and salty snack. It's quite another to market chocolate french fries to children.
posted by UnReality at 11:56 AM on February 11, 2002

Having eaten chocolate-covered potato chips, I know the taste combo works, I'm just having my usual knee-jerk reaction to such evil marketeering. Aiee!
posted by briank at 12:01 PM on February 11, 2002

Well, as long as they squat to get rid of it, it shouldn't matter.

Hmmm, nothing about nutritional content ? Kid's love em, who cares about fat kids eating crap that has no nutritional value.

I confess I used to dip plain potato chips into vanilla ice cream. Never thought of marketing it tho'.
posted by Mondo at 12:06 PM on February 11, 2002

60 minutes had a story last night about fast food consumption among kids, with various nanny-state types wanting to impose limits or some other such silly thing on food manufacturers.

Funniest part was the food industry rep saying "we're providing a product people want, how is that wrong?" Indeed.
posted by owillis at 12:08 PM on February 11, 2002

I admit, I've made chocolate nachos with tortilla chips and hot fudge...it's really good. :) (Although many people think it's really odd.)

But the marketing of choco-fries to kids is pretty icky. Of course, once I started considering the sheer volume of processing and chemicals required to produce the rainbow of colored foods now on the market for kids, I decided that was also pretty icky.

Which kinda got me on this whole musing about the marketing machine aimed at kids.

And I think it might be rather sinister. And, of course...icky. :)
posted by dejah420 at 12:21 PM on February 11, 2002

poutine != potin
potin = irish moonshine

poutine = ?
posted by goneill at 12:24 PM on February 11, 2002

I was at a bus station once, in the middle of a long trip, and I was starved. I ran into some fast food place and ordered some fries, and grabbed a few packets of salt. Outside I poured the packets on the fries and started eating...except, it was sugar, and not salt, that I'd put on my fries. At first I was disgusted, but so hungry and broke I had to keep eating them. With each bite they became more palatable until, eventually, I found them to be...not disgusting. Oddly addictive, but not really good. So I think maybe chocolate fries could be not disgusting. And in my experience, that all it takes for a kid to eat something.

And on the subject of carbs: unless I'm missing something, the article says the fries will be chocolate flavored. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll be covered in chocolate. They'll probably contain some chocolate tasting chemical, and I bet they'll end up with the same carb content as fries covered in ketchup.

Poutine: I've heard of it, but thought it was like Bigfoot. Something people talk about to scare each other, but isn't actually real. Sweet God. Is it good?
posted by Doug at 12:53 PM on February 11, 2002

Poutine is French-Canadian, I believe, and is french fries and cheese curds together with chicken gravy poured on top.
posted by ebarker at 1:04 PM on February 11, 2002

Poutine was originaly developed as an interrogation technique by the spanish inquisition, until they found it to be a little extreme, and brought it down a notch to simple testicular spikes.
posted by dong_resin at 1:05 PM on February 11, 2002 [1 favorite has favorites]

Poutine is the one thing you WON'T see Heinz peddling to American children any time soon.
posted by briank at 1:14 PM on February 11, 2002

Here in Connecticut "poutine" is known as "Disco Fries."

The chocolate french fries merely reinforce my theory that snack food companies are hiring potheads to work in R&D.
posted by jonmc at 1:34 PM on February 11, 2002

Angry potheads.
posted by dong_resin at 2:21 PM on February 11, 2002

toadsucking angry potheads?
posted by bunnyfire at 3:08 PM on February 11, 2002

Fries and soft serve vanilla ice cream is the best! Unfortunately, I don't even remember the last time I had them-- I haven't been to a fast food joint in ages.

But the whole wacky colored foods thing is annoying. The thought of all that food coloring... barf.
posted by jojo at 3:24 PM on February 11, 2002

/me adds to the list of things she will not buy.
posted by ilsa at 4:07 PM on February 11, 2002

The most processed regular element of my diet is granola, but with that said, I'd still try these things.

One of my occasional indulgences is a bag of (Orville Redenbacher?) peanut caramel crunch miniature popcorn cakes. Sounds kinda scary, eats exactly like a whole bunch of cookies, for less than 400 calories for a whole bag. Mmm, forbidden popcorn...

For folks with Giant supermarkets nearby, another scarily processed food that makes a good occasional treat is the Giant-brand caramel miniature rice cakes.

Okay, going back to my raw veggie sandwich now...
posted by NortonDC at 5:00 PM on February 11, 2002