Bad Sex with Morrissey and Erica Jong (Really!)
November 21, 2015 5:46 PM Subscribe
It's time once again for The Literary Journal's Bad Sex in Fiction Award nominees (previously here: 2002, 2003, 2005, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, because we love it!)
The Guardian (in Guarniad style) has a collection of NotVerySafe CannotBeUnseen HiYoTriggerWarning excerpts, including first-time novelist Morrissey's "giggling snowball of full-figured copulation" and sex-writing veteran Erica Jong's "Adam just discovering Eve’s pussy". It doesn't get much badder.
This year's list includes Morrissey and George Pelecanos
posted by destro at 5:55 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by destro at 5:55 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's got to go to Morrissey. "the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation"...
posted by zompist at 6:04 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by zompist at 6:04 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Morrissey seems to have blown the competition out of the water this year; I mean, breasts like fawns one may or may not be able to imagine, but compared to pairing the words "bulbous" and "salutation" and calling it a sex scene, any shortcomings fade into utter insignificance. Unless Morrissey ends up disqualified on the grounds that he is Morrissey, of course.
posted by acb at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by acb at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Morrissey should be removed from the contest out of fairness to the other contenders. His piece is so bad that it's like bringing an Olympic athlete to a grade school gym contest.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by Dip Flash at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [19 favorites]
It's misspelt Grauniad - so this is like some kind of perfect meta-typo.
posted by marienbad at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by marienbad at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
The Morrissey is obviously pretty bad, but I don't mind some of the others. Based on the quoted passage, I'd at least give the Hemon a shot. And, I dunno, I think the Joshua Cohen is pretty good. "Psalms were about to pour out of me," come on.
Are these excerpts at The Guardian the full "purple passages ... up for the prize" or just excerpts from the longer candidates? TFA is not clear, and the Literary Review doesn't seem to actually feature the passages in contention.
posted by Mothlight at 6:13 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are these excerpts at The Guardian the full "purple passages ... up for the prize" or just excerpts from the longer candidates? TFA is not clear, and the Literary Review doesn't seem to actually feature the passages in contention.
posted by Mothlight at 6:13 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Hot, gear popping action like this really makes my Davis sprout like a pecan tree in heat.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:14 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:14 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
"Psalms were about to pour out of me,"
"As we grappled like two refugees from the Book of Leviticus, I bit into his sweaty neck and then begged him: 'Please, Morrissey, admit it at long last.'"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:26 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
"As we grappled like two refugees from the Book of Leviticus, I bit into his sweaty neck and then begged him: 'Please, Morrissey, admit it at long last.'"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:26 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
It went on. It was very good.
posted by sobarel at 6:33 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by sobarel at 6:33 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
"He pushed me away.
'I am human,' he said.
As I withdrew and began the search under the couch for my rumpled jeans, I knew what was coming next.
I hung my head in shame.
I mouthed the words along with him, taking a bow, just like Sheila."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:35 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
'I am human,' he said.
As I withdrew and began the search under the couch for my rumpled jeans, I knew what was coming next.
I hung my head in shame.
I mouthed the words along with him, taking a bow, just like Sheila."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:35 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
The whole Morrissey novel thing had passed me by until now, and I'm just confused by it. Granted, he's a monstrous egomaniac, but surely he's got some idea of what constitutes an acceptable level of prose? I'm looking at a sample now, and it says stuff like:
"They each saw the desirable object within each other, and combined, they had no cause to justify one second of their contract. It may be quite true that we unwisely reduce others in order to make them ours, yet here was a foursome to whom no outward event could dent flesh or expression. It should be said that they were indeed contracting parties, since their combined aim was to dispose of every other half-mile relay team on any known college campus across the land, and this they must do, biological chance providing all the damn-straight confirmation that they would ever need."
He's plainly just hammered down the first nonsense that came into his head. So either he's delusional, or he was so keen to get his hands on money for nothing that he just didn't care whether he was exploiting his ever-loyal fans.
I am glad that The Queen is Dead is still a fucking brilliant album. Poor Morrissey, what an awful person he is.
posted by howfar at 6:41 PM on November 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
"They each saw the desirable object within each other, and combined, they had no cause to justify one second of their contract. It may be quite true that we unwisely reduce others in order to make them ours, yet here was a foursome to whom no outward event could dent flesh or expression. It should be said that they were indeed contracting parties, since their combined aim was to dispose of every other half-mile relay team on any known college campus across the land, and this they must do, biological chance providing all the damn-straight confirmation that they would ever need."
He's plainly just hammered down the first nonsense that came into his head. So either he's delusional, or he was so keen to get his hands on money for nothing that he just didn't care whether he was exploiting his ever-loyal fans.
I am glad that The Queen is Dead is still a fucking brilliant album. Poor Morrissey, what an awful person he is.
posted by howfar at 6:41 PM on November 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Hmmm. Most of these strike me as pretty unobjectionable, aside from some silly turns of phrase here and there--the Bausch ends on a pretty bathetic note, and poor Abelard was probably ready for his ultimate fate after that encounter with Heloise. The Morrissey, though, appears to have been generated by some sort of computerized erotica program. What was that?
posted by thomas j wise at 6:51 PM on November 21, 2015
posted by thomas j wise at 6:51 PM on November 21, 2015
He's plainly just hammered down the first nonsense that came into his head.
If it isn't purposefully bad, I do feel very sad for him. I imagine the editor assigned to the book reading the manuscript like Shelley Duvall in The Shining, a look of horror washing over their face while clutching the latest copy of the NME like a baseball bat. Screaming. No. No. No.
posted by jimmythefish at 6:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
If it isn't purposefully bad, I do feel very sad for him. I imagine the editor assigned to the book reading the manuscript like Shelley Duvall in The Shining, a look of horror washing over their face while clutching the latest copy of the NME like a baseball bat. Screaming. No. No. No.
posted by jimmythefish at 6:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oh I'm SO glad the Morrissey made the list. It seemed like such a foregone conclusion that they'd leave it out just to be more fair to everyone else. I don't even need him to win the thing now, it's an honor that he was nominated. Heeeeeeeeeee!
posted by angeline at 7:03 PM on November 21, 2015
posted by angeline at 7:03 PM on November 21, 2015
A bulbous salutation for the Morrissey piece. Hands down the winner. The Groff came in second. For the most part these other entries, not in the same league as the Morrissey, were kind of ok until the last line when they took a turn for the WTF.
posted by njohnson23 at 7:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by njohnson23 at 7:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
You can tell the female writers from the male.
Her creamy skin melted at Jake's touch.
vs.
Ricky grabbed Clarissa and pulled her toward him gently. By the hair.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:12 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Her creamy skin melted at Jake's touch.
vs.
Ricky grabbed Clarissa and pulled her toward him gently. By the hair.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:12 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Bulbous Salutations! is the new way I start every corporate email from now on.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:26 PM on November 21, 2015 [45 favorites]
posted by clvrmnky at 7:26 PM on November 21, 2015 [45 favorites]
I'm sad to see Lauren Groff on the list. I had some complicated feelings about Fates and Furies, but I felt like its sex scenes were firmly in the "painful on purpose" category -- there's a lot of people in it who are simply having bad sex, as opposed to Bad Sex in Fiction. Lotto, the character in the Guardian excerpt, is a narcissistic actor who also happens to be like 15 and in the process of losing his virginity in that scene. The novel plays a lot with narrative voice to send him up while maintaining a certain gentleness at his core.
Awards like this always bother me some, because they tend to punish the bold and the bad equally. Groff knows exactly what she's doing and doesn't deserve to be on the same list as Morrissey's infamous central zone.
posted by thesmallmachine at 7:30 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Awards like this always bother me some, because they tend to punish the bold and the bad equally. Groff knows exactly what she's doing and doesn't deserve to be on the same list as Morrissey's infamous central zone.
posted by thesmallmachine at 7:30 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Bulbous salutation"? That's right: Fast 'n bulbous! The mascara snake, bulbous also tapered.
posted by informavore at 7:31 PM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by informavore at 7:31 PM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm surprised that so many people regard Morrissey's writing with such distaste. I sort of like it. It's baroque and sometimes awkward, sure, but it has a kind of eccentric, ponderous poetry that I like. It doesn't sound like anyone else, at least.
posted by clockzero at 7:32 PM on November 21, 2015
posted by clockzero at 7:32 PM on November 21, 2015
"... baroque and sometimes awkward, sure, but [he] has a kind of eccentric, ponderous poetry that I like."
I like that this could describe Morrissey himself.
I kid. My knowledge of all things Morrissey is that one song from the famous album I heard at parties, and a friend who always asserted that the real talent was Johnny Marr.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:37 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I like that this could describe Morrissey himself.
I kid. My knowledge of all things Morrissey is that one song from the famous album I heard at parties, and a friend who always asserted that the real talent was Johnny Marr.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:37 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
He's plainly just hammered down the first nonsense that came into his head. So either he's delusional, or he was so keen to get his hands on money for nothing that he just didn't care whether he was exploiting his ever-loyal fans.
No kidding! And Penguin published this. I used to have so much respect for the Penguin imprint because of its Readers series and other quality titles. But what respectable publishing house puts out barely coherent prose like this and markets it with a straight face as literary fiction? Yeesh.
posted by saulgoodman at 7:48 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
No kidding! And Penguin published this. I used to have so much respect for the Penguin imprint because of its Readers series and other quality titles. But what respectable publishing house puts out barely coherent prose like this and markets it with a straight face as literary fiction? Yeesh.
posted by saulgoodman at 7:48 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well, there's Dhalgren.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by clvrmnky at 7:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
No kidding! And Penguin published this. I used to have so much respect for the Penguin imprint because of its Readers series and other quality titles. But what respectable publishing house puts out barely coherent prose like this and markets it with a straight face as literary fiction? Yeesh.
I imagine that someone there justified it (if only to themselves) on the grounds that showing a profit will allow them to continue publishing more meritorious stuff.
posted by kewb at 8:09 PM on November 21, 2015
I imagine that someone there justified it (if only to themselves) on the grounds that showing a profit will allow them to continue publishing more meritorious stuff.
posted by kewb at 8:09 PM on November 21, 2015
Probably true, and as Faustian bargains go, there are worse, so I'm really only taking the piss here... It's a tough market for traditional publishing these days, I know.
posted by saulgoodman at 8:16 PM on November 21, 2015
posted by saulgoodman at 8:16 PM on November 21, 2015
BULBOUS BOUFFANT!!!
sorry... it was irresistable...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:19 PM on November 21, 2015
sorry... it was irresistable...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:19 PM on November 21, 2015
It's baroque and sometimes awkward, sure, but it has a kind of eccentric, ponderous poetry that I like.
If by "eccentric" you mean À Rebours filtered through Ronald Firbank with a falling-all-over-itself attempt at Evelyn Waugh, sure.
posted by blucevalo at 8:19 PM on November 21, 2015
If by "eccentric" you mean À Rebours filtered through Ronald Firbank with a falling-all-over-itself attempt at Evelyn Waugh, sure.
posted by blucevalo at 8:19 PM on November 21, 2015
To be fair, the breasts like fawns is an odd image, but it's pulled directly from the Song of Solomon: "your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle."
posted by Makwa at 8:28 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Makwa at 8:28 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
macadamia
Here I've learned breasts can be like fawns (?).
And from the outrage thread I've learned there are people who don't like grilled cheese.
I feel as if I've missed something.
posted by nat at 8:29 PM on November 21, 2015
Here I've learned breasts can be like fawns (?).
And from the outrage thread I've learned there are people who don't like grilled cheese.
I feel as if I've missed something.
posted by nat at 8:29 PM on November 21, 2015
My husband walked in the room, and I said, "hey baby, wanna show me your bulbous salutation?", and he just gave me that look. You know the look, that your partner gives you when they're sure you're insane, but they probably still love you anyway. Hee.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:34 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:34 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
I could've sworn that in the Song of Solomon it was breasts like the Fonz.
posted by XMLicious at 9:36 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by XMLicious at 9:36 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was really hoping that "Adam just discovering Eve’s pussy" was a story left out of the Bible. Maybe something like...
ADAM: Hey! That looks interesting! What is it?
EVE: Twenty dollars, same as in town.
And I have now used the word "pussy" in a MeFi comment. O tempora, o mores!
posted by bryon at 9:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
ADAM: Hey! That looks interesting! What is it?
EVE: Twenty dollars, same as in town.
And I have now used the word "pussy" in a MeFi comment. O tempora, o mores!
posted by bryon at 9:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Bulbous salutation"? That's right: Fast 'n bulbous! The mascara snake, bulbous also tapered.
A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag...
Talk of Beefheart actually makes me think of a comparator for Morrissey's nonsense: Paul McCartney's vaguely abstract expressionist paintings. Don Van Vliet was a serious painter who was also a serious musician. McCartney (in painting) and Morrissey (in prose) are both reproducing the vague form of interesting work, without any real purpose or much appearance of understanding. And both are occupying cultural spaces by dint of their fame, spaces whose controllers and ostensible gatekeepers should know better.
posted by howfar at 10:36 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag...
Talk of Beefheart actually makes me think of a comparator for Morrissey's nonsense: Paul McCartney's vaguely abstract expressionist paintings. Don Van Vliet was a serious painter who was also a serious musician. McCartney (in painting) and Morrissey (in prose) are both reproducing the vague form of interesting work, without any real purpose or much appearance of understanding. And both are occupying cultural spaces by dint of their fame, spaces whose controllers and ostensible gatekeepers should know better.
posted by howfar at 10:36 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
sadly, not zombie sex
Try Clive Barker's Cabal, a copy of which I bizarrely found in my school library at the age of 12. If you need a description of undead ejaculation in your life, that's your go to place, as far as I know.
posted by howfar at 10:42 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Try Clive Barker's Cabal, a copy of which I bizarrely found in my school library at the age of 12. If you need a description of undead ejaculation in your life, that's your go to place, as far as I know.
posted by howfar at 10:42 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Other than Eve's pussy Jong's entry is pretty unexceptional- in this case meaning not that bad.
posted by atoxyl at 12:02 AM on November 22, 2015
posted by atoxyl at 12:02 AM on November 22, 2015
okay so is it possible that Morrissey has never had sex? like he's saying these things because he doesn't actually know what to say?
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:18 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:18 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: some sort of computerized erotica program
posted by chmmr at 12:46 AM on November 22, 2015
posted by chmmr at 12:46 AM on November 22, 2015
I heard that Morrisey basically insisted on being published as a Penguin Classic complete with the cover. I guess they thought they'd make some money off of him.
posted by atoxyl at 1:11 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by atoxyl at 1:11 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I used to edit audiobooks, and I got a lot of romance novels - my favorite sex scenes were the ones that somehow made genitals sound like jellyfish, or like some sort of dessert trifle. Things would quiver and glisten, and sometimes they'd be "ripe" or "full of nectar."
Although now that I'm thinking about it, it wasn't even the romance novels that were the worst at this. Sometimes a book would throw one in out of nowhere. I'd be 200 pages into a book about Medieval knights, and suddenly there would be a sex scene and I'd just feel embarrassed for the poor narrator trying to make some passage about a "sword" and a "sheath" sound sexy.
Sometimes I miss that job. These excerpts took me back. I'd really love to hear someone do an audiobook of that Morrisey one, or Pelecanos. The latter really sounded like he was trying to end with a punchline - or at least that's when I burst out laughing.
posted by teponaztli at 2:14 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Although now that I'm thinking about it, it wasn't even the romance novels that were the worst at this. Sometimes a book would throw one in out of nowhere. I'd be 200 pages into a book about Medieval knights, and suddenly there would be a sex scene and I'd just feel embarrassed for the poor narrator trying to make some passage about a "sword" and a "sheath" sound sexy.
Sometimes I miss that job. These excerpts took me back. I'd really love to hear someone do an audiobook of that Morrisey one, or Pelecanos. The latter really sounded like he was trying to end with a punchline - or at least that's when I burst out laughing.
posted by teponaztli at 2:14 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility that Joshua Cohen or Jong might have taken a dive in order to get some free Bad Sex Award publicity (it's been done before).
Yeah and the Morrisey... I remember back in the day reading an old, daring for it's time, science fiction short-story collection themed around alien sex. All those bizarre couplings were nothing compared to Morrisey. Nothing.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:28 AM on November 22, 2015
Yeah and the Morrisey... I remember back in the day reading an old, daring for it's time, science fiction short-story collection themed around alien sex. All those bizarre couplings were nothing compared to Morrisey. Nothing.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:28 AM on November 22, 2015
A bulbous salutation
...is the name of my plus-sized Lionel Richie cover band.
We've only learned "Hello" so far.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:47 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
...is the name of my plus-sized Lionel Richie cover band.
We've only learned "Hello" so far.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:47 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Somebody needs to make something out of Tara Bulbous, but it's not going to be me...
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:11 AM on November 22, 2015
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:11 AM on November 22, 2015
okay so is it possible that Morrissey has never had sex? like he's saying these things because he doesn't actually know what to say?
This sex scene: actually somehow more embarrassing than the ones written by teenage slash fanfic writers cribbing off each other without having the benefit of any personal experience.
posted by Jeanne at 4:18 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
This sex scene: actually somehow more embarrassing than the ones written by teenage slash fanfic writers cribbing off each other without having the benefit of any personal experience.
posted by Jeanne at 4:18 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was interested with the idea of a Morrissey book, until I realized what would it be composed of some idealized decade in the past, combined with a fair amount of self-pity and an obsessive detail in thinly-veiled fuck-you remarks, all flowered with wittycisms of varying quality. I'd probably put it down as a sexually confused young man in 50s Northern England investigating a murder. The murderer turns out to be... THE BUTCHER. Helped by a bunch of MEAT EATERS. And A RECORD LABEL EXECUTIVE.
Of course, it seems he managed to make it even worse.
posted by lmfsilva at 5:28 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Of course, it seems he managed to make it even worse.
posted by lmfsilva at 5:28 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
"...and then I split her"
To be totally fair, I can vaguely imagine a time I'd find this framing sexy, but at 7:30 on a Sunday morning when I'm still working my way through my first cup of coffee, it is definitely a "thighs slammed shut, this shop is closed for the winter, see you in the Spring" kinda proposition. Shudder.
posted by obfuscation at 5:33 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
To be totally fair, I can vaguely imagine a time I'd find this framing sexy, but at 7:30 on a Sunday morning when I'm still working my way through my first cup of coffee, it is definitely a "thighs slammed shut, this shop is closed for the winter, see you in the Spring" kinda proposition. Shudder.
posted by obfuscation at 5:33 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
My wife and I are constantly laughing about Hemingway's sex writing, from For Whom the Bell Tolls:
They were having now and before and always and now and now and now. Oh, now, now, now, the only now, and above all now, and there is no other now but thou now and now is thy prophet. Now and forever now. Come now, now, for there is no now but now. Yes, now. Now, please now, only now, not anything else only this now, and where are you and where am I and where is the other one, and not why, not ever why, only this now; and on and always please then always now, always now, for now always one now; one only one, there is no other one but one now, one, going now, rising now, sailing now, leaving now, wheeling now, soaring now, away now, all the way now, all of all the way now.
posted by duffell at 5:56 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
They were having now and before and always and now and now and now. Oh, now, now, now, the only now, and above all now, and there is no other now but thou now and now is thy prophet. Now and forever now. Come now, now, for there is no now but now. Yes, now. Now, please now, only now, not anything else only this now, and where are you and where am I and where is the other one, and not why, not ever why, only this now; and on and always please then always now, always now, for now always one now; one only one, there is no other one but one now, one, going now, rising now, sailing now, leaving now, wheeling now, soaring now, away now, all the way now, all of all the way now.
posted by duffell at 5:56 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
> ...he was so keen to get his hands on money for nothing that he just didn't care whether he was exploiting his ever-loyal fans.
Morrissey's been keen on that since his time in The Smiths. They practically invented the practice of issuing record after record containing stuff you've already heard plus one previously-unreleased song, to churn income. According to Discogs, they generated enough material in five years as a band for 38 singles and EPs, five albums, each reissued no less than 60 times apiece, sometimes with alternate track listings, and almost two dozen compilations.
posted by ardgedee at 6:05 AM on November 22, 2015
Morrissey's been keen on that since his time in The Smiths. They practically invented the practice of issuing record after record containing stuff you've already heard plus one previously-unreleased song, to churn income. According to Discogs, they generated enough material in five years as a band for 38 singles and EPs, five albums, each reissued no less than 60 times apiece, sometimes with alternate track listings, and almost two dozen compilations.
posted by ardgedee at 6:05 AM on November 22, 2015
Yeah, I remember the Smiths doing two separate 'best of' CDs at the beginning of the 90s rather than the useal practice of a double CD thus getting an extra 50%+ in cash. (And they did another singles collection not long afterwards)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:38 AM on November 22, 2015
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:38 AM on November 22, 2015
We've only learned "Hello" so far.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:47 AM on November 22 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]
I think that's all you'll ever need
posted by Golem XIV at 7:20 AM on November 22, 2015
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:47 AM on November 22 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]
I think that's all you'll ever need
posted by Golem XIV at 7:20 AM on November 22, 2015
Her breath was exotic and fruitful, like a banana tree from a beach in Survivor. Whispering in my ear like a NASA launch officer, she counted my deep space meat missile down to a perfect early morning launch.
Too bad there was a structural failure that doomed the flight to an explosion a mere 82 seconds after liftoff.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:28 AM on November 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Too bad there was a structural failure that doomed the flight to an explosion a mere 82 seconds after liftoff.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:28 AM on November 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Bulbous Salutations! is the new way I start every corporate email from now on.
Which can abbreviated to 🍆.
In fact, the only possible explanation for that particular phrase is that Morrissey received a sext containing the aubergine emoji used in its idiomatic meaning.
posted by acb at 7:39 AM on November 22, 2015
Which can abbreviated to 🍆.
In fact, the only possible explanation for that particular phrase is that Morrissey received a sext containing the aubergine emoji used in its idiomatic meaning.
posted by acb at 7:39 AM on November 22, 2015
The murderer turns out to be... THE BUTCHER. Helped by a bunch of MEAT EATERS. And A RECORD LABEL EXECUTIVE.
Don't forget the CROOKED HIGH COURT JUDGE who abets the murder by framing some innocent for it and ensuring that the killer's tracks are covered.
posted by acb at 7:46 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't forget the CROOKED HIGH COURT JUDGE who abets the murder by framing some innocent for it and ensuring that the killer's tracks are covered.
posted by acb at 7:46 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I thought a few of these weren't bad at all. The Grof, the Cohen (which I totally got because as a youngster with no sexual experience beyond the Song of Solomon my early erotica contained relatedly incongruous images of doves and fauns and vines!) the Jong, even, apart from that simile; the Hemon, if it's describing a bloke who gets lost in introverted layers of self-consciousness. Is there a confusion about whether the award is for writing about bad sex or bad writing about sex? Maybe selectors and judges should have to submit their own sex-writing before they're allowed to be that judgey. Morrissey does win hands down though.
But the Pelecanos! It was going so well before that last sentence.
posted by glasseyes at 10:07 AM on November 22, 2015
But the Pelecanos! It was going so well before that last sentence.
posted by glasseyes at 10:07 AM on November 22, 2015
"Intensely ovoid" is pretty bad but yeah you can't really make fun of the fawns because the joke is already there.
posted by atoxyl at 11:28 AM on November 22, 2015
posted by atoxyl at 11:28 AM on November 22, 2015
I thought a few of these weren't bad at all...Maybe selectors and judges should have to submit their own sex-writing before they're allowed to be that judgey.
Writing sex is really hard. Smut is easy enough to write, because it is simply an appeal to the particular tastes of the reader, but writing about sex as a thing that happens to simulacra of real people, rather than masturbatory fantasy figures, is really hard. Whenever I've read the nominations for this, including this year, the points you raise have been in my mind too.
But it is still not possible for breasts to barrel roll. Not while attached to a person.
posted by howfar at 11:59 AM on November 22, 2015
Writing sex is really hard. Smut is easy enough to write, because it is simply an appeal to the particular tastes of the reader, but writing about sex as a thing that happens to simulacra of real people, rather than masturbatory fantasy figures, is really hard. Whenever I've read the nominations for this, including this year, the points you raise have been in my mind too.
But it is still not possible for breasts to barrel roll. Not while attached to a person.
posted by howfar at 11:59 AM on November 22, 2015
Writing sex is really hard. Smut is easy enough to write, because it is simply an appeal to the particular tastes of the reader, but writing about sex as a thing that happens to simulacra of real people, rather than masturbatory fantasy figures, is really hard.
That and the fact that the trick of language is to convey things beyond the context they are perceived in, which is something that eroticism in particular does not cope well with, at least not in a culture where people are reticient about sex outside of specific contexts for it. It's too easy for an attempt at erotic writing to be either crudely mechanistic (“and then I split her”, as mentioned above), ridiculously florid in an attempt to avoid being crudely mechanistic (“his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement”), or else copping out and being so wispily abstract that one cannot prove that the passage is actually about sex.
But it is still not possible for breasts to barrel roll. Not while attached to a person.
Especially not across another person's mouth. Unless the two lovers were dolls being thrown against one another by a child's hands or something.
posted by acb at 3:33 PM on November 22, 2015
That and the fact that the trick of language is to convey things beyond the context they are perceived in, which is something that eroticism in particular does not cope well with, at least not in a culture where people are reticient about sex outside of specific contexts for it. It's too easy for an attempt at erotic writing to be either crudely mechanistic (“and then I split her”, as mentioned above), ridiculously florid in an attempt to avoid being crudely mechanistic (“his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement”), or else copping out and being so wispily abstract that one cannot prove that the passage is actually about sex.
But it is still not possible for breasts to barrel roll. Not while attached to a person.
Especially not across another person's mouth. Unless the two lovers were dolls being thrown against one another by a child's hands or something.
posted by acb at 3:33 PM on November 22, 2015
And in addition to sex just being a topic that makes people uncomfortable and giggly, I think people's expectations and emotional experience of sex are wildly different, too, so something that's poignant to some people is going to make a different group of people laugh out loud.
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:39 AM on November 23, 2015
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:39 AM on November 23, 2015
Unless the two lovers were dolls being thrown against one another by a child's hands or something.
Sort of describes his writing, doesn't it?
posted by njohnson23 at 8:52 AM on November 23, 2015
Sort of describes his writing, doesn't it?
posted by njohnson23 at 8:52 AM on November 23, 2015
Taras Bulbous, and the horse that rode him in.
posted by mule98J at 10:51 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mule98J at 10:51 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
...also it's porn unless you can remember the right part. This isn't all that hard to do, but it is hard to get it right. I've nearly always failed.
"I was in the living room dropping flakes into the fish tank. The tilapia, Georgia, shouldered her way through the artificial seaweeds to the surface, spocking the surface as she found the flakes--she always was one to gobble her food. Honey Boy rubbed his stumpy tail across my leg to let me know that now it was his turn. From the bedroom upstairs I heard her call to me. "Man," she said once, a command, I figured. I could hear shades of Opelika in the vowel, though neither of us had been there for over ten years. I smiled, and as I passed through the kitchen, I put the fish's food canister on the counter. Honey Boy put his little cat body squarely in front of me and sat, scolding me with his ears, "Man," she said again. This time I heard a small urgency in her voice. "Sorry Honey Boy," I told him. With barely the properly small degree of haste I headed up the stairs, thinking about what I would see when I opened the door."
posted by mule98J at 10:07 AM on November 24, 2015
"I was in the living room dropping flakes into the fish tank. The tilapia, Georgia, shouldered her way through the artificial seaweeds to the surface, spocking the surface as she found the flakes--she always was one to gobble her food. Honey Boy rubbed his stumpy tail across my leg to let me know that now it was his turn. From the bedroom upstairs I heard her call to me. "Man," she said once, a command, I figured. I could hear shades of Opelika in the vowel, though neither of us had been there for over ten years. I smiled, and as I passed through the kitchen, I put the fish's food canister on the counter. Honey Boy put his little cat body squarely in front of me and sat, scolding me with his ears, "Man," she said again. This time I heard a small urgency in her voice. "Sorry Honey Boy," I told him. With barely the properly small degree of haste I headed up the stairs, thinking about what I would see when I opened the door."
posted by mule98J at 10:07 AM on November 24, 2015
Thanks to the Shambush thread, I know the right thing to do is to post this here:
Mr Floppy - 100,000 Morrisseys.
Seems apt.
posted by Mezentian at 11:38 PM on November 28, 2015
Mr Floppy - 100,000 Morrisseys.
Seems apt.
posted by Mezentian at 11:38 PM on November 28, 2015
Bulbous congratulations to Morrissey, Bad Sex in Fiction Award Winner 2015, who "was unable to attend due to touring commitments and was unavailable for comment," and is no doubt a giggling snowball on a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of extenuating excitement at this very moment.
posted by oulipian at 6:17 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oulipian at 6:17 AM on December 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
« Older Stephanie Pui-Mun Law - watercolor artist | DIY Phone/Tablet Accessories Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:52 PM on November 21, 2015