May 15, 2002

2:47 PM

Coke Owns Jesus.Take this, all of you, and drink from it. This is my soft drink, which I offer up to you...
[via ktheory.]
posted by me3dia (30 comments total)

Yeah So? Here at Pepsi we've got Satan's Smoothies!

Seriously though, that's pretty scary...
posted by zekinskia at 2:51 PM on May 15, 2002

That's so messed up. All the more reason to boycott the Vanilla Coke, eh?
posted by Ufez Jones at 2:56 PM on May 15, 2002

Here's another interesting tidbit, courtesy of a Fast Company article on the "Brandaq" :

It's also helpful to know that Coke's strategy for global dominance no longer relies on such tired metrics as unit sales and market penetration. No, Coke now views market share through an entirely different lens: percentage of your daily fluid intake. Really. The average human being requires 72 ounces of liquid per day. Coke, if you can believe it, now represents 2 of those ounces, globally.

The goal, set by the late CEO Robert Goizueta, is to reach 4 fluid ounces. That is, Coke wants to meet 5.6% of your daily liquid needs. Since Coke's penetration into world markets is complete -- the red-and-white logo was already ubiquitous in the streets of Manila 20 years ago -- the company looks for more of your body fluid share, rather than for more markets.

posted by me3dia at 3:03 PM on May 15, 2002

I wonder how much Coke pays for this kind of product placement? My church oughta have a new sanctuary by now at least. Sanctuary hell, a Cathedral, with this kind of money. Maybe even a Crystal... hey, wait a minute...
posted by hob at 3:15 PM on May 15, 2002

Well, I am definitely doing my part to skew the numbers. Just counting the empty cans in my wastebasket reveals that I have been at work now for seven and one half hours and have drunk 84 ounces of Coca-Cola. And I've been busy today and haven't had as much time to run to the cooler as usual, so that's probably only 75% of normal.

I have been assimilated.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:15 PM on May 15, 2002

NOT OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS ... NO!!!

(Launch the bombers)
posted by Wulfgar! at 3:16 PM on May 15, 2002

I hear Jesus Cola is going to be making a comeback soon, with a reduced price that won't nail you to the cross.
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:19 PM on May 15, 2002

Check out the other Coke(tm) products:
Urge, Bimbo, Buzz, Hit, Jolly Juice, Joy, Love Body, Master Chill, Play, Ripe N Ready, Sensation, Shock, and Water Salad?

Where can I get some Jolly Juice?
posted by phatboy at 3:34 PM on May 15, 2002

I'm not drinking Coke ever again. Not because I'm offended and religious. I'm atheist. I'm offended by them trying to force Jesus down my throat.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:40 PM on May 15, 2002

I wonder if they've ever used their Jesus trademark. Maybe there's some 'Jesus Juice' being marketed in some non-christian country.

"Its got a nice ring to it and it identifies the product with the west."

"Give this man a promotion!"

Whatever Jesus Juice tastes like can't be worse than their Water Salad
posted by skallas at 3:45 PM on May 15, 2002

That's so messed up. All the more reason to boycott the Vanilla Coke, eh?

I am sure we can add French Vanilla coke to the boycott list!
posted by srboisvert at 3:55 PM on May 15, 2002

must. avoid. joke. about. tossing. a. can. of. water. salad.


damn... too late
posted by tj at 4:26 PM on May 15, 2002

You can have your Jesus soda. I want the soda they own dubbed "Love Body," or perhaps "Magnolia - Love Chum."
posted by adampsyche at 4:36 PM on May 15, 2002

I'm down to one or two Cokes a month anyway, so I guess I've fallen off their radar.

I thought "Jesus Juice" was served all the time in church, along with "Christ Crackers^(TM)"?
posted by rushmc at 4:50 PM on May 15, 2002

Coca-Cola bought the Guaraná Jesus company not too long ago (Portuguese language link).

It's a cola distributed out of Maranhao in Brazil. It's apparently very popular in the area and has a similar history to Coke (pharmacist dreams up soda and everyone loves it, brings fame and fortune to his hometown.) The drink is named after the founder, Jesus Norberto Gomes. There's also some kind of trademark dispute over the name.

Plus, there's the Elvis connection.
posted by ahughey at 6:00 PM on May 15, 2002

Beverly is the worst thing I have ever tasted.
posted by mblandi at 6:55 PM on May 15, 2002

The best cola on the planet is now owned by Coke.
posted by riffola at 7:09 PM on May 15, 2002

"Thums Up is known for its strong, fizzy taste and its confident, mature and uniquely masculine attitude."

Sounds like something out of a J. Peterman catalog.
posted by mikhail at 7:17 PM on May 15, 2002

What Would Jesus Drink?
posted by gummi at 8:50 PM on May 15, 2002

Also in the odd brand names from coke category:

Fun Chum (For those times when the shark seems sluggish?)

RimZim (Think that goes on the shelf with the Jolly Juice and Love Body...)

Urge (Ok, I'm starting to think Coke Marketing people need to have more sex.)

Wannabe (For that kid everyone hates.)

Bimbo and Bimbo Break (Sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't?)

Freezits (Well, finally...some honest marketing.)

Inca (When you just need a refreshing sacrifice.)

Juggy (To round out the selection...as it were.)

posted by dejah420 at 9:35 PM on May 15, 2002

Thums Up is known for its strong, fizzy taste and its confident, mature and uniquely masculine attitude. This brand clearly seeks to separate the men from the boys.

I've been looking for a cola with attitude. Something organic, hip, and proactive.
posted by skallas at 9:40 PM on May 15, 2002

I've been looking for a cola with attitude. Something organic, hip, and proactive.

I've been looking for a cola that's a motivated goal orientated self-starter that's a real hands-on soda.
posted by drezdn at 11:16 PM on May 15, 2002

Thums Up is less sweet and more fizzy when compared to Coke & Pepsi. It's got a very nice almost metallic after taste to it. Then again I've grown up on Thums Up, so of course I prefer it to over everything else. Coke changed the marketing strategy for Thums Up after it bought it from Parle, the old tagline was "Taste the thunder". For those in NYC, check out your local Indian grocery store, they sell Thums Up and Limca for $1.50.
posted by riffola at 5:16 AM on May 16, 2002

This is the real news- Jesus Christ Hired as Spokesman for Coke

posted by pekar wood at 5:26 AM on May 16, 2002

I think it's wonderful that Coca-Cola has taken this step towards enriching new experimental theater.
posted by mikeg at 5:30 AM on May 16, 2002

Nothing like a cool refreshing Diet Christ on a hot day.....
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:59 AM on May 16, 2002

Coke might own Jesus, but they don't own Diet Jesus. They also don't own Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, Muhammed, or Matt Lauer. At least not yet. So there's still hope for humanity. Could be worse. We could be getting EMO-geek accumulation on the wing.

I used to drink that piss by The Liter, but that was a long time ago. I haven't had a Coke in years. Swearing off sweet carbonated beverages of any kind meant a drop of twenty pounds in about a month's time. I don't wanna see that weight come back. That includes diet crap. Drinking diet soda is like eating diet cake. And while you're losing that weight, get a haircut! I know I'm just talking to a brick wall but y'all really should quit drinking that battery acid. Try water. Really. It's not all that bad. And I ain't talkin' about the $3 bottles of water sold by scam artists. You're probably already paying a bill for water coming into your home. Try the tap.

Wulfgar: "(Launch the bombers)"

They ain't gettin' mah precious bodily fluids!
posted by ZachsMind at 6:11 AM on May 16, 2002

It looks like they removed the name since yesterday.

The Google cache

(Reminds me of when they removed the "Just Say No to H20" article after it was exposed last year.)
posted by MJoachim at 7:28 AM on May 16, 2002

ahughey: It's a popular strategy. If you can't be number one, buy number one. Coca-Cola did it with several regional sodas.

Guaraná is very, very popular here. And their guaraná at the time (called Tai - you can find it in the list and it's not related to Thai food) sucked bad. So they've bought several regional brands. Guaraná Jesus was one and also my favorite guaraná at that time, Charrua.

I don't know what they did to Jesus, but they've turned Charrua into the crapiest guaraná ever (worse than Tai), until they've managed to loose market share.

Their newest effort is a whole different storie, though. The number one guaraná here was Antarctica. The second was Brahma. Both companies merged to form AmBev, one of the largest Breweries of the world.

Coca-Cola produced a guaraná called Kuat that tastes just like Antarctica (I actually think that Kuat tastes better). Than they've started a huge marketing campaign based on blind tests. That's right, it's the Pepsi challenge all over again. Kuat is by far one of the most successfull guaranás here, nowadays.
posted by rexgregbr at 8:05 AM on May 16, 2002

I was disappointed not to see "diet Jesus". He's refreshing, good for the soul and just one calorie!
posted by devo at 9:56 AM on May 16, 2002