You knit what?!

October 27, 2005 9:30 AM

Knitting Pattern Hall of ShameThis site appears to be where all the really bad patterns get held up to all the ridicule they deserve. I’ll be kind and say that these designers must have meant well. After all, there must be a certain demand for that perfect pattern to make for the gay pride parade or your favourite knitting fetish bar or to get one through those days of abject self-hatred. Every designer has trouble remembering that not every woman is 5’10 and 115 pounds. And it’s really kind of heartwarming that they try so damn hard to sex up knitting. But knitters, before you make any of these, please remember a few basic rules: one’s knitting project should not land one on an endangered species list, give one retina burn or a heightened cholesterol level, or house more than six people. And if your boyfriend dumps you when you give him this for Christmas, rest assured that you’ll get custody of it. (via MonkeyFilter, courtesy Melinika).
posted by orange swan (27 comments total)

I want my wife to knit me a Strongbad ski mask. Anyone know of a pattern?
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:10 AM on October 27, 2005

this is great! thank you orange swan and melinika.
posted by mileena at 10:17 AM on October 27, 2005

This rules. What a great post; you totally made my day, orange swan. I need one of those breakfast hats really badly!

More linkage: Speaking of sexxing up the knitting, here are some nice photographs of Russell Crowe pretending that he's knitting. Here are gorgeous knitted superhero costumes, and a knitted room.
posted by iconomy at 10:19 AM on October 27, 2005

That was great. Thanks, orange swan.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:22 AM on October 27, 2005

Yet more knitting linkage: Knitted zombies (which I guess would say "Yarrrnnnn...")
posted by Gamblor at 10:40 AM on October 27, 2005

My girlfriend is gonna be all over this site like...uh, wool on sheep. And I find it amusing, too. Nice post, orange swan.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:41 AM on October 27, 2005

good site for all my knitting friends. thx.
posted by fungible at 10:52 AM on October 27, 2005

Giving knitters everywhere a bad rep.
And what's up with that background color?
Talk about retina burn!
posted by nofundy at 10:54 AM on October 27, 2005

Outstanding post orange swan.

Best of the loom.
posted by three blind mice at 11:00 AM on October 27, 2005

can't...stop...laughing...
posted by miss tea at 11:00 AM on October 27, 2005

Makes what I knot loo so much better! THANKS!
posted by johnj at 11:19 AM on October 27, 2005

"And when I'm old and gray, and I've had my day; I know what the people will say: They'll be glad to see me go, but the little girls will know, I knitted 'till my dying day!"
"Boooooorn, born to... knit!"
posted by blue_beetle at 12:23 PM on October 27, 2005

awww, yay! One of my favorite blogs :D
posted by kalimac at 12:29 PM on October 27, 2005

Hahaha, awesome, now I have the answer to that ever-so-tricky question, just what does one make one's hated enemies for Crimboyulehanukwanzmasadan?

(Also, the knitted zombies have made my week -- so cute!)
posted by TricksterGoddess at 12:39 PM on October 27, 2005

The old lady with the gee-tar. I love her. I want to be her grandson.
posted by jonmc at 1:01 PM on October 27, 2005

This is hilarious!! And so very real-- because I love to knit and hate about 98% of the patterns out there. (God I'm even embarrassed to admit I love to knit, because most homemade stuff is horrible, so these days it is cashmere socks or nothing.)
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 1:38 PM on October 27, 2005

Think of what our great-grandfathers never saw, without the Web to bring us all together.
huge
bathmat
stripes
horsey
poncho
muppet fur
Thank you, orange swan.
posted by Aknaton at 1:42 PM on October 27, 2005

Awesome! I just started knitting.
posted by deborah at 1:57 PM on October 27, 2005

the abject self-hatred one had me rolling, thanks!
posted by KirkJobSluder at 2:06 PM on October 27, 2005

Amazing stuff - thank you!
posted by discokitty at 2:13 PM on October 27, 2005

Can't wait to show this link to my knitting instructor!
posted by 6:1 at 2:29 PM on October 27, 2005

hysterical!
posted by dejah420 at 2:30 PM on October 27, 2005

Thanks so much for this, orange swan (& melinika)!

And there was a link in the comments to this tutorial, probably the clearest "how-to-knit" series I've ever read. Damn, this post makes my day.
posted by maryh at 3:11 PM on October 27, 2005

Fantastic. More knitting posts -- more, more!
posted by ottereroticist at 3:19 PM on October 27, 2005

couldn't agree more with all the "why!?"'s. Comedy gold.
posted by creeptick at 4:01 PM on October 27, 2005

Hey, turn down those headlights
posted by troutfishing at 10:55 PM on October 27, 2005

All this is enough to turn your stomach
posted by Gamblor at 8:32 AM on October 28, 2005