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Crazy-ass christian fundamentalists are at it again.
June 20, 2001 5:36 AM   Subscribe

Crazy-ass christian fundamentalists are at it again. "The Net Authority is a group of individuals who have taken it upon themselves to govern the Internet." (link via Pixelix).
posted by metaxa (42 comments total)

 
Hmm. And conveinently, just as I post this, their server goes titsup.

"Technical Difficulties

We apologize for any inconvenience. We are working as quickly as we can to get the site operational again. Thank you for your patience."

Anyone got a cached copy? (Google hasn't)...
posted by metaxa at 5:37 AM on June 20, 2001


I wonder if these "Net Authority" folks can govern mefi to fish broken italics code. heh.

Anyway, I doubt the concept would go far if anywhere at all. There is filtering software and as faulty as it is it's used at public facilities, beyond that the most I think they can do is create a 'Christian websites ring' and make all their sites under specific guidelines, which for these folks might only leave out FrontPage-made KKK sites. Ofcourse the biggest flaw here is that not many Christian fundamentalists have 'evil' electrical power in their homes, much less a TV or a computer.
posted by tiaka at 5:50 AM on June 20, 2001


Unfortunately the missing tag was in the original postlink, which means it's italicizing the entire front page. No way to fix it.
posted by ZachsMind at 6:09 AM on June 20, 2001


Them crazy-ass italics...
posted by samsara at 6:14 AM on June 20, 2001


Well I don't know about you but I think the internet feels mucho safer now that these guys are on the beat.

Watch out evil doers!! Net Authority's after ya!

heh.
posted by Qambient at 6:35 AM on June 20, 2001


Heh. Watch yo BACK Hommie!
posted by tiaka at 6:36 AM on June 20, 2001


hmmmm.... their guidelines ban themselves, by specifically prohibiting both hate literature and interracial pornography. neat.
posted by Vetinari at 6:41 AM on June 20, 2001


What bugs me about this is that they aren't just a pack of lunatic censorhappy fundies, they're a pack of racist lunatic etc etc. One of their seven categories of Bad Things is 'Interracial pornography'. One of the questions on their questionnaire (designed to help you find out if a friend of yours is a depraved offender) is "Does the suspected offender have many friends who are of different racial descent as him or herself?"

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I've dobbed myself in.
posted by jackelder at 6:41 AM on June 20, 2001


There is no God. Jesus of Nazareth was nothing more than the son of a carpenter and Jewish to boot.

So there. Better clear your cache if you are reading this or you could be in violation of the guidelines. Point seven, I believ, applies here:

General Blasphemy

Blasphemic content is any material that is seen as sin through the eyes of our Lord. It is expected that all Internet users familiarize themselves with The Bible. Ignorance is no excuse! If you are involved with the distribution of, or obtain in any fashion material that is considered offensive, then you are in violation of the NA-AIUG.

posted by Dick Paris at 6:47 AM on June 20, 2001


Ignorance is no excuse!

How true.
posted by Succa at 6:52 AM on June 20, 2001


I want to randomly claim authority over something. "The Society to Improve Dagny's Lifestyle has took action to take authority over... your paycheck!"

tiaka said:
Ofcourse the biggest flaw here is that not many Christian fundamentalists have 'evil' electrical power in their homes, much less a TV or a computer.

I think you're confusing "fundamentalist" with "Amish." I know lots of fundies, and they're all online.
posted by dagnyscott at 6:53 AM on June 20, 2001


I've now reported myself as a danger to the all-Christian web too. I highly recommend it.
posted by harmful at 6:57 AM on June 20, 2001


Dude, this has got to be a joke: "While we may not yet have any legal power to back our enforcement of the NA-AIUG, our cause is justified in the eyes of God, which gives us all the authority we desire." Since when to fundamentalists not desire a little more earthly power? Or does everyone already know that it's a joke but me?
posted by jeb at 7:03 AM on June 20, 2001


Actual email if you've been reported as an offender:

Dear Richard Anderson,

It has recently been brought to our attention that you are, or have been, in violation of the Net Authority Acceptable Internet Usage Guidelines. It has been reported that you both distribute and view offensive materials over the Internet.

Net Authority has investigated these claims by checking your webpage at http://home.earthlink.net/~campmobile/ and verified that they are true.

As a result, your personal information has been added to one or more Net Authority Internet offender databases. Your information will be stored in the databases until enough evidence has been gathered against you to warrant further actions. To help avoid such a situation, it is strongly recommended that you cease your immoral actions on the Internet at once.

You have been added to the following databases:
- Pornography Offenders
- General Blasphemy Offenders

If you would like more information about Net Authority or the Net Authority Acceptable Internet Usage Guidelines, you may read the details at http://www.netauthority.org/. It is imperative that you fully understand the guidelines if you wish to avoid further prosecution.

While the individual who reported your actions to us will remain anonymous, he or she wished to pass these words on to you:

"I would post more blasphemy if I had time. I hope my meager offerings are adequate for your purposes."

May God be with you as you struggle to overcome these evil impulses. You will be in our prayers at night.

God speed,

Net Authority Investigations Department
investigations@netauthority.org
http://www.netauthority.org/

posted by Dick Paris at 7:04 AM on June 20, 2001


I'd be surprised if this wasn't a joke. I mean, there are certainly plenty of delusional fundamentalist groups, but nobody really believes that they can police the internet. Just for good measure I reported the AFA for distributing hate literature. In fact, I'd encourage everyone to report their favorite fundamentalist group - do your part for a safer, cleaner internet!
posted by jed at 7:09 AM on June 20, 2001


People often claim that they were added by their friends as a practical joke.

Now, consider this scenario. A young man, let's call him Ray, notices that his friend, let's call her Jody, has been acting a little strange. She is much more aloof around family and friends, and she has been spending a lot more time at the computer. These are clear, tell-tale signs that Jody is exploring illegal pornography on the intenet. Out of fear for the safety of both Jody, and the Internet as a whole, Ray reports Jody as an offender and she is added to our database.


... blink blink ...
posted by o2b at 7:10 AM on June 20, 2001


that crazy jody.
posted by lotsofno at 7:15 AM on June 20, 2001


Their BBS is full of naked ladies.
posted by ceiriog at 7:21 AM on June 20, 2001


Let's denounce our neighbors! This was oh-so-much fun in the 30's when crazy Uncle Joe asked us to do it. We got our neighbors apartments while they got sent off to a lovely vacation in the north.

Gotta love an organization that encourages you to "report offenders," especially to some ill-defined guidelines. God help us if these people ever get in power....
posted by andrewraff at 7:23 AM on June 20, 2001


This somewhat reminds me of (misspelling intentional - just goes to show...) yourgoingtohell.com, which I also suspect is a farce.

Interestingly enough, this site has some connection to mikeycomics.com. Can't pull up the full Whois info ATM as whois.register.com is down, but mikeycomics serves email for netauthority.org.

If you browse to mikeycomics, you'll find links such as "spooky shit" (oh, the language) and "T.A. Vision" (R-rated comic strip).

I suspect this site is a farce.
posted by atfrost at 7:26 AM on June 20, 2001


You have been added to the following databases:
- General Blasphemy Offenders


I am SO dying to put this on a business card.

"Shauna Wright, General Blasphemy Offender"

Sounds kinda superhero-ish!
posted by shauna at 7:27 AM on June 20, 2001


I'm so tempted to submit this thread as well.
posted by harmful at 7:29 AM on June 20, 2001


LOL, I submitted www.netauthority.org as an offender. They won't let you use a netauthority email address in the submission, so I used webmaster@mikeycomics.com. We'll see the LORD unleash some righteous smiting now!
posted by atfrost at 7:31 AM on June 20, 2001


I don't think it's a farce. I just submitted my site and got added to the blasphemers list.

And I got the same e-mail as Dick Paris got.
posted by Succa at 7:31 AM on June 20, 2001


I registered myself this morning, I'm so proud. I can't wait until they verify my sins! In the comments section, I left this note:

"I am a queer Buddhist, so you definitely want to keep an eye on me! I'm very, very dangerous! All of my pages are registered with various filtering agencies, including CyberSitter, NetNanny, and Keyword Search, but honestly! Why should Christian parents have to actually monitor their children's usage of the Internet? Why on earth should they have to take responsibility for what their kids do online, or even pay for filtering software?

"The entire world, I think, ought to be plastic wrapped for them so they don't ever have to learn to be discerning or face temptation. After all, Jesus never had to be tempted or tried to steel his faith. You know, except for the 40 days in the desert, and the crucifixion. Some responsible party should have filtered the Romans and the devil!"
posted by headspace at 7:42 AM on June 20, 2001


Wow, that was quick. I already got this email back from them:

"It has recently been brought to our attention that you are, or have been, in violation of the Net Authority Acceptable Internet Usage Guidelines. [snip] it is strongly recommended that you cease your immoral actions on the Internet at once."

After their investigation of my site they found me to be an "Interracial Pornography Offender".

I feel so dirty.
posted by y6y6y6 at 7:45 AM on June 20, 2001


Wow, it only took them 30 seconds to review my entire 2 year daily journal! These folks are amazing! I am now proud to be a Pornography Offender, a Homosexual Pornography Offender, and a General Blasphemy Offender. When do I get my t-shirt?
posted by headspace at 7:46 AM on June 20, 2001


Oh, you crazy kids...

Just in case anyone is still operating under the mistaken assumption that this is for real, a glance at their BBS finds this gem embedded in a number "responses":

Indeed. You, like the rest of these fine folks missed the fact that this whole site is a sharp parody.

A little too tightly woven a parody, if you ask me, since it's not at all unlikely that some crazy-ass Fundamentalist group would summon both of their collective braincells and really do something like this...
posted by m.polo at 7:51 AM on June 20, 2001


Hmmmm..... I guess I should have reloaded before jumping in with that.

It looks like we're all pretty happy to be "offenders". Nice that these folks were able to bring us all together in solidarity. It's a beautiful thing.
posted by y6y6y6 at 7:52 AM on June 20, 2001


<unfounded cheap shot>

God help us if these people ever get in power....

They already are

</unfounded cheap shot>
posted by jpoulos at 7:54 AM on June 20, 2001


Dammit!

Foiled again!

It's OK folks. Continue sinning.
posted by Succa at 7:55 AM on June 20, 2001


Netauthority.org resolves to 161.184.88.55. If you visit that with your Web browser (http://161.184.88.55), you get a site that belongs on the list of blasphemers.

Fun parody, but he really should publish the database of offenders.
posted by rcade at 7:55 AM on June 20, 2001


I think the biggest tipoff for me (that it was a satire) was how well written the material was. Most of the real fundy frothers that I have encountered can't string a coherent sentence together, much less several pages of exposition.

This one: "While we may not yet have any legal power to back our enforcement of the NA-AIUG, our cause is justified in the eyes of God, which gives us all the authority we desire." is a good example. Horrible thought, very well presented.
posted by Irontom at 8:04 AM on June 20, 2001


How can the Net Authority possible be engaging in mere Christian web oversight when I'm already building a database of those webmasters and/or websites that violate the teachings of Apollo...?

Apollo's laws are far older than those of these upstart peckerwoods, and he was traditionally the God of Technology, so the internet would naturally fall under his dominion. Those Jesus-come-latelies are soooo in my database.
posted by UncleFes at 8:09 AM on June 20, 2001


mikeycomics.com is hosting their DNS. I suspect it's a joke..
posted by Leonard at 8:32 AM on June 20, 2001


Well, I guess their ok then; satire is Apollo-approved.
posted by UncleFes at 8:47 AM on June 20, 2001


im so terribly relived its just a parody..... i could hardly believe it was real
posted by Satapher at 9:16 AM on June 20, 2001


hey now, Pan might get testy about that satire sanction.

"..."wer MASS communcatin"-from: O'Brother, where art thou?

Thank the lord for these Coen Bros. True genius. The world would be alittle more crazed without them. The use of Skip James after this scene struck me, probably T-bones contribution.
posted by clavdivs at 10:15 AM on June 20, 2001


What if this isn't simply a prank? What if this site were concocted by a savvy bulk marketing group to harvest the email addresses of people in their target demographics, like interracial pornography users for instance? Hmmm...
posted by donkeymon at 10:30 AM on June 20, 2001


Crazy-ass christian fundamentalists are at it again.

When terms like "crazy ass" and "dumb ass" were coined, did they originally refer to donkeys? I guess I just realized, when seeing donkeymon's moniker, that I always think of ass as being a butt when I hear these terms; I don't think donkeys.

But mentally unstable and mentally challenged butts don't really make sense as terms. Do they?

Sorry. Off topic. Continue.
posted by bilco at 11:46 AM on June 20, 2001


bilco, this Verbatim Magazine article ("Assing Around") suggests it's fairly new, and a slang intensifier rather than directly connected with either original meaning of the word. Lots of discussion of the different colorations in all contexts.
posted by dhartung at 3:23 PM on June 20, 2001


I'm shocked that I'm the only one who thought "parody" as soon as the alt-text for the graphic on the splash page came to light: "Think of the Children." Indeed.
posted by Dreama at 3:52 PM on June 20, 2001


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