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What would you do
June 26, 2001 8:47 AM   Subscribe

What would you do if you opened your front door and found two and a half tons of marijuna sitting there?
posted by Steven Den Beste (100 comments total)

 
check the kitchen to make sure i had plenty of Doritos and Ben & Jerrys. ;)
posted by jbelshaw at 8:50 AM on June 26, 2001


retire.
posted by clavdivs at 8:58 AM on June 26, 2001


Light the barbeque and enlighten my neighbours.
posted by davehat at 9:04 AM on June 26, 2001


This is an OUTRAGE!! That family clearly should have been arrested for drug possession.
posted by DBAPaul at 9:08 AM on June 26, 2001


Open a medicinal marijuana club. Start a bonfire in Haight-Ashbury. Pay back all my mooching debts. But I can't top jbelshaw's comment!
posted by msacheson at 9:11 AM on June 26, 2001


Throw it in the compost pile, and remain unenlightened.
posted by thirteen at 9:13 AM on June 26, 2001


Start a fire and get all of Seneca, South Carolina, high for one glorious morning. Then go meet the neighbors.

"Sorry about the smoke (cough, cough), but could I borrow a cup of sugar? Say, you look terrific today. Is that a plateful of cookies I see on your counter? Want to skip work with me? Stay home and watch the firefighters squirt each other with water?"
posted by pracowity at 9:16 AM on June 26, 2001


well, it would be a 4 step process.

1) cry. cry a lot. we're talking "i've finally made it" tears to the point of dehydration.

2) jump off my roof into it. i always wanted to jump into a big pile of it.

3) have pillow fights with it. i can't stress how fun it is to wack your friends with a pound of green.

4) never ever be not high again.
posted by will at 9:17 AM on June 26, 2001


"Didn't have a notion if I could sell it there
Thirty minutes later I was a millionaire...
Bales of cocaine from a low-flying plane........"

Reverend Horton Heat
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:18 AM on June 26, 2001


I just thought of the scene from "History of the World Part I" when Gregory Hines throws the Romans off his track with the super-doobie and the Roman guards start walking around in circles and dancing. Classic.
posted by msacheson at 9:19 AM on June 26, 2001


Immediately apply for Dutch citizenship and get a business license.
posted by skallas at 9:19 AM on June 26, 2001


"I think it was just dropped at the wrong place...and wound up in the wrong location..."

no shit, sherlock.
posted by will at 9:21 AM on June 26, 2001


Actually, probably the same thing that the people who found it did. Maybe I'm just a square, though.
posted by almostcool at 9:22 AM on June 26, 2001


Smoke every last bud of it as fast as I could, with much help from my friends.
posted by bytecode at 9:23 AM on June 26, 2001


"Start a fire and get all of Seneca, South Carolina, high for one glorious morning."
It would be one day of bonding, barbecue and people dragging their TVs into the street to watch "Raising Arizona" while they soak their feet in the kiddie pool. And then absolute silence and no eye contact for the next year and a half.
posted by Sellersburg/Speed at 9:25 AM on June 26, 2001


Buy loads of this to store it in!

What a party!
posted by davehat at 9:27 AM on June 26, 2001


bytecode: yes! yes! yes! you sir, are a visionary.
posted by will at 9:31 AM on June 26, 2001


Stare in bafflement, thinking, "Jesus, that's a lot of oregano."

Honestly, are 13 and I the only people who wouldn't have the least bit of interest? I mean, smoke up, I don't care, but man . . .
posted by Skot at 9:36 AM on June 26, 2001


skot: ask yourself why people who smoke marijuana love it.
posted by will at 9:39 AM on June 26, 2001


oh yeah sure!.. 2.5 Tons Of Marijuana and u've no idea how it got there. Cold feet, definetly cold feet - it's always the quiet one's
posted by monkeyJuice at 9:43 AM on June 26, 2001


Don't read in so much. I understand why they love it (as did I, in college, back before I lost all interest). That wasn't my question. I was expressing surprise at the sheer numbers posting on the smoke-up side. If I had to guess, I'd say that MeFi skews young (well, younger than me).
posted by Skot at 9:44 AM on June 26, 2001


I would do exactly what they did in this classic peice of American filmmaking.

Unfortunatly, without the Playboy centerfolds.
posted by bondcliff at 9:47 AM on June 26, 2001


1. Haul it inside, get nekkid and dance around it in some weird form of tribal "cityboy" dance.
2. Buy a s@!tload of Duncan Hines brownie mix.
3. Invite Mom over for brownies.
4. Take a few pounds out in the backyard, mix it with peanut butter, and feed it to the squirrels.
5. Do the tribal dance again.
6. Call William Shatner over and see if he wants to come on over for brownies.
posted by bradth27 at 9:48 AM on June 26, 2001


Skot, i'd pass. That was just the first thing that popped into my head. And I thought it was funny.
posted by jbelshaw at 9:50 AM on June 26, 2001


> ask yourself why people who smoke marijuana love it

...an argument which also applies to people who love Big Macs, which sort of takes the edge off it. Billy Bob and all his incestuous cousins just love dirt track racing, therefore everybody would love it if they only tried it...
posted by jfuller at 9:51 AM on June 26, 2001


I would practice saying "Bubba" over and over again. Given our draconian drug laws (regardless of the guilt of the party involved) you're going to be spending a lot of time in jail.
posted by MarkAnd at 9:51 AM on June 26, 2001


Call the Police and tell them I found 2.0 tons of marijuana on my front door.
posted by alan at 9:52 AM on June 26, 2001


skot: Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I've had periods of life when I smoke and others when I don't. Right the very second I read this (and still now), I could do with a free 2.5 ton bale of dope on my doorstep.

After sorting out my neighbourhood, I'd go entrepreneurial like skallas and clavdivs!
posted by davehat at 9:55 AM on June 26, 2001


#scene# a large mansion deep within the jungle

-phone ringing-

(xavier) its for you, don

(mr x) hello

(mr y) you want to tell me wtf is going on?

(mr x) what do you mean?

(mr y) the deal was 4.5 million up front, the rest on delivery... i see my first check was cashed, but i still dont have the goods - dont f*ck with me man, i have been in business with your father for a long time-

(mr x) er... [shifts uncomfortably] but... i sent the goods tony, they should be on your doorstep...

(mr y) my DOORSTEP!?! who delivers 2.5 tons of weed on someones doorstep!? trust me - it aint here, and if it isnt here within the next 2 hours - i'm sending the boys down to pay you a little visit

(mr x) hold on tony hold on [takes a bonghit] you are still located in carolina arent you?

(my y) ...

(mr x) hello?

(mr y) don

(mr x) yes tony?

(mr y) ...

(mr x) what?
posted by skinjob at 9:58 AM on June 26, 2001


Seal the doors and windows until somebody else disposed of it. Even if I had any desire to smoke the stuff, experience with second-hand smoke leads me to believe I'd have violent allergies.
posted by harmful at 10:02 AM on June 26, 2001


I'd take half a ton or so off the top, hide it, then call the cops - plenty for a lifetime supply for myself and close personal friends.
As an aside, am I really the only person on the planet who doesn't like to eat when I'm high - it takes my appetite away completely. Bizarre, huh?
posted by hazyjane at 10:05 AM on June 26, 2001


what alan said.
posted by hazyjane at 10:12 AM on June 26, 2001


Alan: that's exactly what I would do.

Skinjob: good point. It's not unlikely that someone is going to be (already has been) killed for this.
posted by jpoulos at 10:13 AM on June 26, 2001


I'd cut it with the ton-and-a-half of shwag I have waiting in my basement, get my ten-year old to divvy it up into eighths and dimes, and tell my thirteen-year old to go sell it at the junior high school across the street.
posted by dfowler at 10:17 AM on June 26, 2001


Oconee County Sheriff's investigators said that once the family realized what it was, they called deputies right away.

Hmmm. Wonder what it took for them to realize what it was. I mean, you need to be REALLY sure about these sorts of things. Perhaps there were 64 bundles to begin with?

If this ended up on my doorstep all of my neighbors would have found it and "distributed it" before I got out of bed.
posted by witchstone at 10:17 AM on June 26, 2001


Skinjob's got the right way of looking at this. Somebody (most likely it will be more than one) is going to lose their life over this one, and probably not in a fast and humane way.

This is one serious mistake on someone's part. If it came to your doorstep, would you really be interested in keeping it, knowing the type of folks that are probably behind its shipment? Even after turning it in, I'd be scared to death of some sort of retaliation. I don't envy that family one bit.

curse you jpoulous
posted by OneBallJay at 10:21 AM on June 26, 2001


(for being faster on the draw than yours truly, that is)
posted by OneBallJay at 10:23 AM on June 26, 2001


It was 3 tons originally - you can bet on that. We only heard about 2.5 because that's what was there when the cops showed up.

-Mars
posted by Mars Saxman at 10:25 AM on June 26, 2001


I think Alan's made the call here. I don't care if you smoke dope or not, there's plenty of value in holding on to half a ton or more of even the schwaggest brown frown weed.
posted by whoshotwho at 10:25 AM on June 26, 2001


Is there a Guinness Book of World Records entry for World's Largest Joint?

I don't know if I could roll a ten-footer but I'd have fun trying.
posted by Sapphireblue at 10:27 AM on June 26, 2001


curse you jpoulous...(for being faster on the draw than yours truly, that is)

only one of many reasons I should be cursed...
posted by jpoulos at 10:29 AM on June 26, 2001


This is an OUTRAGE!! That family clearly should have been arrested for drug possession.

Arrested? They should all be SHOT in a no-knock raid! Guilty or innocent? Bah! These are DRUGS we're talking about, people!!!
posted by Dirjy at 10:33 AM on June 26, 2001


I'd contact my local, underground doctors to ensure that it be distributed to those who need medicinal marijuana but are unable to obtain it due to the oppressive, intrusive and hypocritical "War on Drugs."


* snicker *

Well, okay. I'd rent "Beastmaster II" and smoke it. Is that so wrong?
posted by Shadowkeeper at 10:40 AM on June 26, 2001


jfuller: you're taking what i said out of context. it wasn't an all encompassing statment about personal preferece. i mistook skot's comment as wondering why pot smokers on mefi would go apeshit over a free weed story.

listen, a lot of stupid people love doing a lot of stupid shit. the nature of drugs is that if you've got a little courage, you wil do things that are just fun as heck. where drugs become dangerous is when they become too fun, which is why so many people become addicted to coke.
posted by will at 10:41 AM on June 26, 2001


It was 3 tons originally - you can bet on that. We only heard about 2.5 because that's what was there when the cops showed up.

More likely, it was 3.0 tons when the cops showed up. THEN we heard about the 2.5.
posted by goto11 at 10:47 AM on June 26, 2001


Yeah, a guy I work with has a roommate who's a cop; he says there's always a bale or two laying around the house.
posted by norm at 10:59 AM on June 26, 2001


What would you do if you opened your front door and found two and a half tons of marijuna sitting there?

Celebrate my sudden career change. Buy guns. Move to Colorado and sell to Hunter S. Thompson.
posted by solistrato at 11:00 AM on June 26, 2001


will: I don't know about the rest of the world, but one of the reasons cocaine is now so popular in the UK is that not only is it perceived as 'cool', but also it is now relatively cheap.

Please do not read any more in to the above post than what it states.

For the record, I think cocaine is in a different ballpark to what we have previously been joshing and joking about and do not subscribe to the 'popular' perception it now seems to garner back in my home land.

It sucks and turns even the best of friends into an asshole for 45 minutes at the very least.
posted by davehat at 11:00 AM on June 26, 2001


I'm with Saphhireblue on this one...
Although I think it'd have to use butcher paper off those huge rolls.

Or possibly make my neighbor's pool into the world's largest water bong...
posted by tj at 11:46 AM on June 26, 2001


Any coincidence the "Dude, where's my car?" came out on DVD today?
posted by tj at 11:47 AM on June 26, 2001


davehat: you're quite right, cocaine is something totally different from marijuana. oregano and curry are both spices, but are quite different.

cocaine is quite popular for a few other reasons added with the ones you stated. from the best of my knowledge cocaine is not chemically addictive, such as say heroin, but the high is so great that the threshold for psychological addiction is quite low.

i still wish i had that 2.5 T of pot.
posted by will at 12:01 PM on June 26, 2001


Is it just me or is there a movie script in this story (for a really good bad movie)?
posted by timothompson at 12:11 PM on June 26, 2001


I was thinking butcher paper too, actually. Or, my dad is a pressman, he can hook us up with giant rolls of paper too.

What I'd tell him I was *doing* with it, I don't know.
posted by Sapphireblue at 12:17 PM on June 26, 2001


that's why i thought of my neighbor's pool... he'd be all for it.
posted by tj at 12:19 PM on June 26, 2001


Damn, this thread makes me sad.
posted by Dreama at 12:26 PM on June 26, 2001


Dreama's right. Not only pot is bad but it's NOT FUNNY.
posted by Sapphireblue at 12:36 PM on June 26, 2001


This thread is making me paranoid... or was it something else?
posted by tj at 12:42 PM on June 26, 2001


What would you do if you opened your front door and found two and a half tons of marijuna sitting there?

Not much. I do that all the time. Zis ish Amshterdam, you know.
posted by prolific at 12:50 PM on June 26, 2001


I would turn it all over to the authorities.
All TWO tons of it. No more, no less.
posted by th3ph17 at 1:22 PM on June 26, 2001


AGRIPPINA: "SO THATS WHY YOU USE SO MUCH CANNED AIR AND WHY IS THERE A BURN HOLE BY THE F8 BUTTON?. ALLIGATOR CLIPS FOR THE COMPUTER/ALARM BY-PASS COURSE MY BUTT. (sniff-sniff) it is bad enough when (my) son comes home from Yaddo with a gross of lighters. He is FAT you bumbling verb. Wha-wha-wha. WHAT. oh..itwazfree,oh...well then pack those funny scrolls and get your arse to Britannia.
posted by clavdivs at 1:24 PM on June 26, 2001


Just for shits and giggles, Dreama: why does this thread make you sad?
posted by brittney at 1:37 PM on June 26, 2001


Damn, this thread makes me sad.

Smoke a little ganja, dreama. It'll cheer you right up!
posted by jpoulos at 1:41 PM on June 26, 2001


Man. By the time I read a response to a comment I forgot what the original comment was and then when I go back to look for it I forget what I'm looking for.
posted by auntbunny at 1:59 PM on June 26, 2001


Maybe you shouldn't be so stoned!
posted by solistrato at 2:06 PM on June 26, 2001


There was a pro baseball player who had a friend ship him pot from Chicago to NJ by UPS. When the package was damaged during shipment, UPS saw the contents and called the cops. They had UPS mark the package "damaged" and deliver it. They waited an hour, then entered the house with a search warrant. Baseball career was put on hold after that. I would mark it "return to sender".
posted by NJguy at 2:07 PM on June 26, 2001


HA HA HA HA POT IS FUNNY. WINK WINK I WOULD SMOKE IT.
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:11 PM on June 26, 2001


I found a join I forgot I had. Isn't it wonderful? Small things can still make you 2.5 T happy.
posted by papalotl at 2:13 PM on June 26, 2001


I found a stash I forgot I had. Isn't it wonderful? Small things can still make you 2.5 T happy.
posted by papalotl at 2:15 PM on June 26, 2001


Dude, have you ever really looked at Metafilter? I mean really looked at it? Wow.
posted by owen at 2:18 PM on June 26, 2001


Man, if God were, like, a color....he'd definitely be #006699...
posted by jpoulos at 2:25 PM on June 26, 2001


Just for shits and giggles, Dreama: why does this thread make you sad?

If you have to ask. . .
posted by Dreama at 2:49 PM on June 26, 2001


I'd send up my praises to the universe. I'd call all my friends and certain family members and let the bakedown begin. I'd have to work out more, but I'd probably be more willing to. Oh, and I'd certainly have to quit my job--which would be a lot easier since I wouldn't have to worry about -that- bill anymore. Play a lot of catch with my dog. Just enjoy the hell out of it. But, yeah, reality is that about, oh, 20 minutes after I saw that stash on the front porch, a silent armed hitsquad from some underworld drug ring would show up to make sure I didn't tell a soul. Maybe if they let me live they'd cut me a break on it when they sell it back to me through the channels...)
posted by thc at 2:57 PM on June 26, 2001


I'd just say no


:)
posted by matteo at 6:51 PM on June 26, 2001


Dude. Dude, I bet somebody's already been killed over this man. That's a lot, I mean a lot, of chronic. I bet that dude's dead.

What?

Oh sorry. Someone already said that.
posted by crasspastor at 7:00 PM on June 26, 2001


If you have to ask. . .

I find it reassuring that I have absolutely no idea.
posted by sudama at 8:51 PM on June 26, 2001


I would hide the stuff, I mean hide it well. No one would know where. Then, I would dress up all in green and deliver the stuff door to door for any sick person who needed it.

Secondly, I think I would get a shit load of vaporizers and start pumping the weed into the chambers of the supreme court. Get them to understand just *what* it is.
posted by DragonBoy at 9:13 PM on June 26, 2001


Sudama, I think Dreama is admitting that he's a big pothead, and he's upset that this happened to someone else, and not him. Which is sad, I suppose.
posted by Doug at 9:19 PM on June 26, 2001


Why are so many people so desperate to forcibly get their neighbors high? If I were a Supreme Court Justice and you fogged my chamber and senses for a microsecond, you would not be happy with my vote.
posted by thirteen at 9:21 PM on June 26, 2001


When did Dreama become a man?
posted by thirteen at 9:22 PM on June 26, 2001


I actually thought Dreama was a man. My whole sense of reality has changed. Wow. I just automatically assume that all conservatives are fat, sweaty guys. Ha ha. Ha. Just kidding. Yeah...
So I guess I'm sexist, assuming people are men when their handle's are unisex. I actually feel kinda bad. I'm going to go in the asshole corner for a while.
But the whole pothead thing still stands.
posted by Doug at 9:31 PM on June 26, 2001


Sudama, I think Dreama is admitting that he's a big pothead, and he's upset that this happened to someone else, and not him. Which is sad, I suppose.

She said the thread makes her sad, so that's not it.

If you have to ask. . .
I did, because I don't know. And still don't.

Sidenote: As a child my parents had a dog that had been around since before I was born. My parents, who indulged in a little ganga before I was born, had a kilo of pot mailed to them. The dog, whilst unattended, proceeded to consume most of the package. The dog's name was Kilo. It wasn't until I turned 18 and my mom confessed that I knew why.
posted by brittney at 9:35 PM on June 26, 2001


> As a child my parents had a dog ...

They didn't smoke the dog? Good.
posted by pracowity at 10:53 PM on June 26, 2001


Brittney, Dreama means "If you have to ask, you can never know." Let There Be Slack. Pass the Frap.

I didn't like hemp back when I tried it long ago. I don't like it now. If I discovered such a shipment, I'd call the police and tell them to get it off my porch before the local street gangs find out what it is cuz I don't want another turf war on my front lawn. Now if the drug money for 2.5 tons found its way on my doorstep in small, unmarked bills, then I'd have a dilemma on my hands...
posted by ZachsMind at 11:34 PM on June 26, 2001


I always wanted to know what purple smells like.
posted by Hjorth at 2:22 AM on June 27, 2001


Another turf war on your front lawn, ZachsMind? What was the first one over?!
posted by FPN at 3:49 AM on June 27, 2001


I picture the cops being like Chief Wiggam and the rest of Springfield's finest, and having a party.

"...we're jammin'. i wanna jam it with you..."

"hey! i like this song, turn it up."
posted by terrapin at 10:04 AM on June 27, 2001


"nice work boyz"
posted by clavdivs at 2:41 PM on June 27, 2001


Zach - that's not what I meant, but thanks.

Doug - I already told you that I was a woman in some other thread. Get it through your head. Look at my frickin' profile. Duh. Besides, there is no where on the planet where Dreama is an acceptable man's name.

This thread makes me sad because of all of the posts that failed to recognise that if that amount of anything turned up on your doorstep, someone was paying hell for the mistake. Only accountingboy brought a glimmer of hope to break through my sadness. I was thinking about the poor delivery morons who would probably be dead of lead poisoning within an hour of the errant dropoff.
posted by Dreama at 3:24 PM on June 27, 2001


I didn't know "Dreama" was even a real name. I thought you just made up something.

Doug- I already told you that I was a woman in some other thread. Get it through your head. Look at my frickin' profile. Duh.

Calm down. It's awfully presumptive of you to assume that Doug's world revolves around keeping tabs on your personal details, isn't it?
posted by daveadams at 4:09 PM on June 27, 2001


Dreama: oh, I imagine that was the first thing that crossed a lot of minds, actually. Mine included. Quite obviously, someone's ass is in a colossal sling over this mistake.

A shame it's not legal for the citizens of Oconee County, South Carolina, or where-ever this stuff was *supposed* to go, to grow pot for personal use in their own back yards. Then perhaps there'd be no need to sneak in bales of the stuff from overseas and create a massive international marketplace where business protections such as inventory insurance or legal recourse can be replaced only by violence and death.

But that would be me dreaming futile dreams, so instead I'm going to go right on musing over what sort of adhesive would be best employed in the rolling of a ten-foot spleef.
posted by Sapphireblue at 5:44 PM on June 27, 2001


FPN: I have no idea what the last turf war was about. I don't open my front door and ask questions when I hear gun shots. I just ignore it and hope it's a lot of cars backfiring at the same time.
posted by ZachsMind at 7:47 PM on June 27, 2001


'blue: At that size, it may just have to be a "sploof!"

adhesives... had one, but already forgot it, figures.
posted by tj at 10:33 PM on June 27, 2001


What would you do if you opened your front door and found two and a half tons of marijuna sitting there?

Two words: "Get rolling papers."
posted by bruyneel at 11:08 PM on June 27, 2001


Two words?
posted by Steven Den Beste at 8:02 AM on June 28, 2001


Alan and HazyJane have the correct answer. I'm even sadder than Dreama, after reading all these comments. Damn. So many souls...lost.
posted by davidmsc at 2:54 PM on April 5, 2002


lurkerabove...see* here* its april 6. but in MeFi land its still the 5th of april(cruelest month yaknow) the anneversary of the death of Danton. :)
posted by clavdivs at 11:15 PM on April 5, 2002


What on earth are you guys doing back here? It's an SDB post! He ran away in a huff ages ago.
posted by pracowity at 4:28 AM on April 6, 2002


its kinda cool here, like a exhibit that no one sees;)
posted by clavdivs at 8:02 AM on April 6, 2002


Locked in the museum at night.
posted by pracowity at 8:15 AM on April 6, 2002


yeah, wahata suppose david was doing here, me, i ran outta zig-zags, naw, my comment bar kicked this old post up.
posted by clavdivs at 8:18 AM on April 6, 2002


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