Once I saw a dapper magpie
Perched before a mirror, tying a tie;
He checked his hair and buttoned his vest
And made certain that he was neatly dressed.
He winked at himself with one black eye
And said: There is none so self-aware as I.
But frankly, if he was so self-aware
Would he really go out without a pocket square?
His hairstyle is long out of style
And his tie... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Astro Zombie at 1:31 PM on August 20, 2008

This news is one of the latest results in the peer-reviewed journal Duh.
posted to MetaFilter by grouse at 3:52 PM on August 14, 2008

I'm in a very similar - I mean very similar - situation and my kids are similar ages to yours. My daughter smoked, got through college, is holding down a professional but hideously low paying job and is doing pretty well despite the brokeness factor but then aren't we all? I will say that time does help; that she's far more human now at 25 than she was at 19 and, actually, she's really great and I totally adore her, which is something I might not have said and would have thought was impossible 9... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by mygothlaundry at 8:05 AM on July 9, 2008

"Hey, want to go out this weekend? You do, cool!"

On the date: "I really enjoy going out with you, but I feel funny always being to one asking you out. So I'm available next week, but only if you plan a date and call me."
posted to Ask Metafilter by orthogonality at 4:32 PM on August 6, 2008

(I'm going to assume that you are a guy; if you aren't, hopefully some of this will apply in some way anyway.)

Do you jerk off? Stop. Not forever, just until you are reliably coming from sex with her. Think of it as retraining your body or a "sex hack" or whatever keeps you from pulling the pud, but stop for the time being. Your only sexual release should come from or with her -- if it involves your hand, if she's not an active participant you don't get to do... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by Forktine at 8:28 PM on June 27, 2008

She mentioned just going to my place to chill.

She's lying to you. She wants to see your place for two reasons: one, she wants to see how you live, and two, she may want to mount you. It's part of the courting process that no woman will own up to, but everyone of them does it.

You're missing the point of this little exercise and focusing on the end rather than the process. Your abode should reflect your interests, your... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by wfrgms at 8:53 AM on June 20, 2008

I believe the best ice cream maker on the market is Musso 4080.

And...

Concord Grape Sorbet*
===============

4 cups concord grapes
1 cup agave nectar
1 cup filtered water

a. Blend in a blender (preferably a vitamix or a blendtec or other high end blender)
b. pass thru a fine mesh strainer, discard the solids
c. chill thoroughly in... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by dobbs at 11:33 PM on June 12, 2008

It would help to know: do you have blue fur?
posted to Ask Metafilter by prefpara at 11:45 AM on June 10, 2008 marked best answer

It's interesting that the answers highlighted are the ones that confirm the original poster's opinions. Not that said opinions are wrong — but if you feel you already know the answer to the question ... it seems as if you came here only seeking corroborating opinions.

I have a cat named Charlie. I love him a great deal; he means a lot to me. Were he to have been placed in such a brutal situation, my heart would have broken. I give you my honest and deep... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by WCityMike at 2:25 PM on May 4, 2008

Wait until you see the results of the Open Source Cockpunching Project.
posted to MetaFilter by longbaugh at 5:56 AM on April 23, 2008

My dog has only this to say:

There was a time. A time of tooth and claw. Of scent and paw. A time when my wolf ancestors ruled the plains and mountains. We ran down all the great beasts and we made a feast of their flesh. A time when your pathetic monkey kind dared not slip from the trees lest you fall into our white flashing jaws of death.

At night we sang our songs so that the gods knew our names. While you hid from the dark only to whisper... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by tkchrist at 2:20 PM on March 13, 2008

After my parents were divorced in 1978, they set up a visitation schedule, as they lived in 2 different states. I was to spend 6 weeks every summer with my dad until age 18. That first summer, I felt awful. There was seemingly nothing to do, and my little brother was too young to be a companion that could help me through it.

Then, one day, my dad takes me around to the place of this new woman he's seeing. On her table is the blue box. While... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by thanotopsis at 1:26 PM on March 4, 2008

You were rude originally, rude in your response, and she already sent a letter of apology, though it was slightly terse.

For this you want to risk a 20-year-long relationship?!


Dear Stepmother,

I'm so sorry that you were hurt by our exchange in November. I will be more considerate with my dog in the future, and I agree that it is best that we communicate by phone. Sometimes the written word doesn't... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by sondrialiac at 4:17 PM on March 3, 2008

I have, in fact, conducted funerals with zero mourners. Though it's not required, I like to say a few words (to absolutely no one) on the nature of life and our place in the universe. Once, I got my brother to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat" in rounds with me (for the "...life is but a dream" part), which amused the cemetery crew and made us feel a bit better.

Recently, we buried a woman from New Orleans who had been abandoned by her family when she was... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by ColdChef at 2:22 PM on January 10, 2008

Play it by ear and remember this rule: it's always better to apologize than to ask permission.
posted to Ask Metafilter by mullingitover at 2:16 PM on November 28, 2007

The wedding is a rite of passage. I learned in my undergrad course "Anthropology of Religion" (what a great course, it changed the way I view the world) that such ceremonies, which occur in all cultures in some form or another, have a more-or-less common structure: the beginning, where the participants are separated from their previous social state; the middle, also called the "liminal period", where things are all mixed up and the participants are neither in one state nor... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by PercussivePaul at 2:41 PM on November 6, 2007 marked best answer

Wow at this link.

Um... I was a raver in 1989. It was my senior year of high school. I can attest to the immense sense of freedom and future social benefits that this culture had on me.

I attended my first warehouse party in November 1989. I remember every fiber in my being telling me that this sound, this music, was the future. I was listening to "Welcome to Techno City" by the legendary Juan Atkins. At this time, ecstacy was legal and... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Unicorn on the cob at 11:00 AM on October 24, 2007

At which point I suppose we are suppose to point and laugh at the stupid people with stupid beliefs.
posted by dios at 11:29 AM on July 19

Ok, I won't laugh. Let's take them seriously for a moment.

Faith healing, exorcism, the casting out of evil spirits, etc like all other seemingly odd religious practices in which both the healer AND the victim appear to be complicit in what a non-believer outsider may think of... [more]
posted to MetaFilter by Pastabagel at 9:28 AM on July 19, 2007

That's what happens when you do too many beer bongs and pass out early... AT HITLER'S HOUSE!!!!
posted to MetaFilter by Divine_Wino at 1:31 PM on June 25, 2007

The whale, known as fiddy ton, had immense sea cred as a result of surviving the attack.
posted to MetaFilter by srboisvert at 11:51 PM on June 13, 2007

Follow up from a poster who would prefer to remain anonymous:

There is a level of detachment that you have to work to achieve. The
fact that this person - someone who has exerted so much meanness and
cruelty on you - can cause you to "wither and die inside" means that
they still hold a powerful sway over you.

This next thing is particularly hard, because it's something bad parents
are so... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by jessamyn at 7:42 PM on June 9, 2007

Chief Halftown.
posted to Ask Metafilter by amro at 12:24 PM on February 5, 2007

Chief Halftown! I met him in person. He gave me autographed googles. I have no idea why he was giving out goggles.
posted to Ask Metafilter by iconomy at 12:27 PM on February 5, 2007

Buy ball gags for each of them -- a 'his and hers' set if you can find it. It'll get the point across.
posted to Ask Metafilter by SpecialK at 4:47 PM on January 21, 2007

I feel like a broken record.

But here goes.

I'll give you the usual bonnafides first: As a former Women's Self Defense instructor, Karate Instructor, boxer and a martial artist with over a decade of training with law enforcement let me please urge you to NOT ask joe-frigg'n-blow about something like this. Most of the answers above, if your friend is really in danger, were just terrible advice.

Your friend is shook up.... [more]
posted to Ask Metafilter by tkchrist at 11:23 PM on October 25, 2006