President Bush fainted briefly in the White House residence Sunday after choking on a pretzel while watching the Baltimore-Miami playoff game on tv.
January 13, 2002 6:03 PM   Subscribe

 
OK, what the hell, I'll go first.

Note to Dubya:

Chew until soft. Swallow. Repeat as needed.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:18 PM on January 13, 2002


"Wait a second! This Enron thing might actually effect my polls!" (choke)
posted by jragon at 6:20 PM on January 13, 2002


Pure Comedy Rold Gold
posted by machaus at 6:22 PM on January 13, 2002


Oh yeah and BTW, the game did take place at Pro Player Stadium in Miami. That's in Miami-Dade county. That's in Florida.
posted by brian at 6:27 PM on January 13, 2002


Condi said, "Sir! Ken Lay spit on that pretzel."
posted by thebigpoop at 6:32 PM on January 13, 2002


"...the game did take place at Pro Player Stadium in Miami. That's in Miami-Dade county. That's in Florida."

That's in the United States of America. That's in North America. That's in the Northern Hemisphere.

Where the hell am I going with this?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:32 PM on January 13, 2002


In other news, Al Gore wanted to congratulate the Orioles in their triumph over the Heat.
posted by Mach3avelli at 6:33 PM on January 13, 2002


"...and your entire empire... brought down... by one... little... cherry [pretzel]..." -Fifth Element (quote may be slightly off, but the point still stands) ;-)
posted by thunder at 6:49 PM on January 13, 2002


"He said it (the pretzel) didn't seem to go down right,'' Tubbs said.

So it turns out out he knew all along. Or was at least suspicious there was something wrong.

Or something. But I guess he choked and fainted before he could be sure.

So, come on guys, he's not all that stupid.

As for those dogs still sitting in the same position while all around them the POTUS gasped and swayed, I thought they were quite intelligent too.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 6:49 PM on January 13, 2002


The pretzel was made by al Qaeda terrorists who infiltrated the Frito Lay plant. They are winning.
posted by benjh at 6:52 PM on January 13, 2002


prezstall
posted by gazingus at 6:53 PM on January 13, 2002


I just popped by the Drudge Report and he has this story in super-big H1 font, with the flashing ambulance light over it. I can't decide if that's hilarious or sad.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:56 PM on January 13, 2002


Well, at least we have Dick Cheney to fall back...OH MY GOD!!!
posted by sharksandwich at 6:57 PM on January 13, 2002


Let this be a lesson to all you pretzel eaters out there.
posted by MarkBakalor at 6:59 PM on January 13, 2002


Metafilter: 9:03 PM EST
Washington Post: 9:04 EST
posted by brian at 7:03 PM on January 13, 2002


He said it didn't seem to go down right... that was never a problem for a certain Mr. Clinton.
posted by Eric Lloyd NYC at 7:05 PM on January 13, 2002


"These pretzels are making me dizzy"
posted by ColdChef at 7:05 PM on January 13, 2002


"We will find the people who manufactured these pretzels. We will find them, and smoke 'em out of their pretzel factories and also any countries harboring these rogue pretzel factories. We will bring these pretzel evildoers to justice." - Dubya
posted by owillis at 7:06 PM on January 13, 2002


The real reason why he fainted? The blood rushed to his head and then didn't find anything there. BA-ZING!
posted by geoff. at 7:10 PM on January 13, 2002


Isn't it an indicator of low intelligence if one chokes on snacks twisted into complex shapes? As if the mouth and brain couldn't work together to sort the damn thing out, he choked on it. If he hadn't been concentrating on the football game he probably would have been fine.
posted by scarabic at 7:14 PM on January 13, 2002


NPR: 5:50 PST
Metafilter: 6:03 PST

posted by y2karl at 7:14 PM on January 13, 2002


At least he didn't vomit the pretzel out in the lap of some foreign dignitary, so he's one up on his old man.
posted by MrBaliHai at 7:16 PM on January 13, 2002


News stations are reporting that after the incident precautionary scans were taken. As expected, the neurological tests turned up negative.
posted by drywall at 7:16 PM on January 13, 2002


He can't walk and chew gum at the same time, either. Ba da bum!
posted by headspace at 7:17 PM on January 13, 2002


Florida cant win it everytime my friend.
posted by stbalbach at 7:19 PM on January 13, 2002


In a surprise move, the USSC, in 5-4 splitt decision, overturned the ruling on the field and awarded the AFC wildcard game to the Miami Dolphins. Highlights at 11.
posted by stbalbach at 7:28 PM on January 13, 2002


So there are more twists and turns in this presidency than well a ...
posted by onegoodmove at 7:43 PM on January 13, 2002


If only George senior had been a responsible parent and had Dubya turn off the TV and do his homework.
posted by machaus at 7:46 PM on January 13, 2002


owillis, my wife and I won't be able to have sex tonight because we're still laughing over your comment.

Thanks, or not.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:48 PM on January 13, 2002


Tens of millions of dollars are spent every year protecting the president. today we learned another way to ensure the life of the president: Bush should only be fed liquids through a straw.
posted by panopticon at 7:52 PM on January 13, 2002


Will those liquids contain any cocaine?
posted by MaddCutty at 7:57 PM on January 13, 2002


John Ashcroft has ordered that Jason Alexander be detained and tortured in a secret location. Preliminary reports indicate that the Attorney General hopes to gain pretzel-related information that Alexander may have gained during his brief tenure as a Rold Gold spokesman.

The Attorney General denies that the portly actor is being punished for his role in the short-lived ABC sitcom "Bob Patterson".
posted by Optamystic at 7:58 PM on January 13, 2002


"I'm quite certain, while Bill Clinton was president, he sold our advanced Pretzel-making technology to our enemies. Once again, we've been screwed by the Clintons." - Rush

"There is quite obviously of pro-pretzel fascists living among us, coddled by The Left in order to destroy all we hold dear" - Andrew Sullivan

"Why do the pretzels hate us? We should look to ourselves to find out the real roots of pretzel-hatred" - Anti-war activist

"1,2,3,4... we don't want your salty war!" - Overheard at Pretzels for Peace rally

"I am issuing a calm and well-mannered order to arrest anyone in the posession of pretzels or pretzel-making materials or paraphenalia, including dough or salt" - Ashcroft

And now, the horse is laying there, dead, and I just have to stop whipping him. :)

Glad to help, mr_crash_davis
posted by owillis at 8:01 PM on January 13, 2002


correction:

"There is quite obviously a Fifth Column of pro-pretzel fascists living among us, coddled by The Left in order to destroy all we hold dear" - Andrew Sullivan
posted by owillis at 8:02 PM on January 13, 2002


evildoughers
posted by gazingus at 8:07 PM on January 13, 2002


These pretzels are making me thirsty.
posted by fleener at 8:10 PM on January 13, 2002


After rethinking this...

"Dumbass"

Oh shoot, wait. That was pre-pretzel. How about "Royal Dumbass"?
posted by benjh at 8:12 PM on January 13, 2002


"Auntie Anne's been taken into custody for questioning. Details at 11"
posted by riffola at 8:29 PM on January 13, 2002


I passed out too, but that's just because that game was boooooooooooring.
posted by norm at 8:32 PM on January 13, 2002


I was watching the news and they quoted Bush as saying something about having not been out for too long as his "dogs hadn't moved" when he came around.
That's just what I want, a President that gauges the passage of time by the motion of dogs.
posted by TiggleTaggleTiger at 8:36 PM on January 13, 2002


(Norm!)
posted by rodii at 8:51 PM on January 13, 2002


good one gazingus
posted by panopticon at 9:22 PM on January 13, 2002


Make no mistake, those dogs didn't move.
posted by aeiou at 9:31 PM on January 13, 2002


Clearly, this isn't the first time his brain has been deprived of oxygen.
posted by Mo Nickels at 9:36 PM on January 13, 2002


Just think of it. Cheney was one pretzel away from the presidency. We live in a dangerous world.
posted by fleener at 9:42 PM on January 13, 2002


A commotion in another part of the restaurant, usually over before you realize what's happened. That surprised, bug-eyed look across the Thanksgiving table. A little girl, panicked and confused, running in the front door, silently seeking help NOW. You've all probably seen it before, or will before you're too much older.

Remember anyone passing out?

I mean, isn't that some serious choking?
posted by dglynn at 9:43 PM on January 13, 2002


Personally, I think this whole pretzel story is a cover to hide the president's case of relapsing-remitting MS.
posted by bowline at 9:46 PM on January 13, 2002


And if he had died...would anyone have really believed it was the pretzel?
posted by rushmc at 9:47 PM on January 13, 2002


Anyone care to think that this really isn't that funny?

Intelligent people choke too, and our President seriously almost died today. I'm not a huge Bush fan or anything, but I don't see why this thread is everyones chance to post their best zinger.
posted by Mark at 10:16 PM on January 13, 2002


Fortunately, alert Secret Service agents quickly wrestled the pretzel to the ground.
posted by Allen Varney at 10:17 PM on January 13, 2002


but I don't see why this thread is everyones chance to post their best zinger.

What would you have us use it for? Expressing condolences for a "tragedy" that did not take place?
posted by Optamystic at 10:21 PM on January 13, 2002


I don't see why this thread is everyones chance to post their best zinger.

See that message at the top of the thread? It says "Let the one liners begin." That's why it's everyone's chance to post their best zinger.
posted by kindall at 10:25 PM on January 13, 2002


I'm finding this a liitle odd. Has anyone here ever come close to choking to death? I have. You don't just sit in your chair till you pass out. Passing out from choking takes a few minutes, and in that time I can guarantee you'll be totally freaking out.

You run down the hall, you call 911, you pound on stuff. It's a couple minutes of pure panic. And he just sits there? He doesn't even leave the room?

Something is very fishy here.
posted by y6y6y6 at 10:25 PM on January 13, 2002


Sure he could've got a Clinton staffer to give him some advice on swallowing...
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:29 PM on January 13, 2002


"But Tubbs said that low heart rate made him more prone to fainting when the pretzel stimulated a nerve when it got caught in his throat."

It's not fishy. It's a vascular reaction called a vasovagal response. The nerve tells the brain that the throat is blocked, and the blood vessels dilate automatically in response to increase flow to the central organs. If the heart doesn't compensate, the blood pressure drops suddenly and you pass out. It happened to me last week, minus the pretzel.
posted by swerve at 10:35 PM on January 13, 2002


Mark: I certainly don't wish the president any physical harm, but come on... If he'd died choking on a PRETZEL? That's hysterical.
posted by Doug at 10:46 PM on January 13, 2002


Clue: The doctor said, "he fainted due to a temporary decrease in heart rate." Sounds like he vagaled out. His heart rate slowed and he passed out. The same thing happens to old men sitting on the toilet while they're straining to do their business. Why choking would cause a vagal is beyond my explanation. But I submit that choking on a pretzel is more dignified than hitting your head on the bathroom sink.
posted by fleener at 11:09 PM on January 13, 2002


Choking on a pretzel while watching a football game with dogs, with his wife obliviously yakking on the phone in the next room, would have been the almost* perfect way for him to go.

Any god or demon worthy of the name could have nudged that pretzel one or two notches farther into his windpipe. That he came that close and did not die must be evidence of something, though of what, I don't know.

======================================
* He wasn't on his sixth Bud. Or was he?
posted by pracowity at 11:31 PM on January 13, 2002


If it'd been a pancake instead of a pretzel, we'd all be under house arrest.
posted by verdezza at 12:05 AM on January 14, 2002


(gasp , choke) Smithers!
posted by Modem Ovary at 12:39 AM on January 14, 2002


New MeFi tagline proposal : Intelligent people choke, too.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:47 AM on January 14, 2002


"Pancakes? Very boring. Only in America would anyone eat the stuff you're supposed to fry fish in for breakfast. Only in America. Unless you're talking with some of that New Hampshire primary maple syrup or that white powdery sweet stuff, now that's a bull with horns of another color."
posted by roboto at 1:15 AM on January 14, 2002


"Hi, this is Dr. Laura, you're on the air."

"Hey there little lady, I am my kids' daddy. I've got a little moral dim-lemma here; see, my wife, she tends to spend most of the year as far away from me as possible, and as you know, a man has needs... well, I was tempted. There was pretzels, and I put one in my mouth. It was salty, and good. So I put another one in my mouth. And then another, and 'fore you know it, I was ass over head on the floor..."

"Well, I'd say you got what you deserved."

"Pardon?"

"Look, you're a married man. What did you EXPECT to happen when you gave in and decided to snack up with those salty little tramps?"
posted by headspace at 1:58 AM on January 14, 2002


Me: So does this mean that Dick Cheney temporarily assumed command while Bush was out of it?

My boss: Temporarily?!
posted by diddlegnome at 2:26 AM on January 14, 2002


How many people are falling for this? Call me a conspiracy theorist but to me it's obvious Shrub was drinking and got himself in an embarrassing situation and his people over-reacted with their damage control. The guy was watching football. It was the weekend. He's got a booboo on his face. It's obvious to me that Shrub got drunk on beer and fell down. The spinsters around Shrub needed a quick response to give the media to explain away the little scuff on his face and they panicked.

"Uh, he uhm.. choked on a pretzel."
"A pretzel?"
"Yeah. Uh he was watching football and uhm.. choked on a pretzel."
"And that's why he's got a gash on his cheek?"
"Uhm, yeah well it was a sharp pretzel."
"Uh-huh. And the bump on his head?"
"Yeah that.. well it was a heavy pretzel."


Let's face it. Shrub's fallen off the wagon, and they don't have the heart to tell us.

What I find the most amusing is how the doctor's saying because Shrub jogs regularly, this makes him more prone to fainting spells. That's why I don't exercise! It's too unhealthy!
posted by ZachsMind at 3:20 AM on January 14, 2002


Since most of his staff is from the Ford administration, he's trying to make them feel at home.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:22 AM on January 14, 2002


I quite liked the BBC's coverage of the story. At the top, a great photo of Bush staring down the evil pretzel menace, and then a helpful sidebar entitled "What are pretzels?", for those countries where pretzel-related attacks are not so rife.

"Chewy salt-encrusted biscuit with distinctive, twisted shape, popular with beer"
posted by chrismear at 3:26 AM on January 14, 2002


The Bunny is not laughing.

This is not the time to be having a dead President.
(not that there is ever really a GOOD time...)
posted by bunnyfire at 4:54 AM on January 14, 2002


We should have expected this--collapsing while eating runs in the family: "There is no diplomatic way to faint. Former President George [H.W.] Bush found that out the hard way when he collapsed at a formal dinner in Japan a couple of years ago."
posted by Carol Anne at 5:23 AM on January 14, 2002


The Adam is laughing and will not be able to work today because all of my editorial efforts will go towards unsuccessfully topping the jokes already here.

Yes, it was caused by evil-doughers. I love it.
posted by adampsyche at 5:35 AM on January 14, 2002


Watch it guys - you should know you're either with us or you're with the pretzels.
posted by ferris at 6:08 AM on January 14, 2002


Now that the pretzel attack has failed, we need to all be on the lookout for Killer Rabbits!
posted by MrBaliHai at 6:22 AM on January 14, 2002


I hate to say it, but what Zach says rings true for me.
posted by rodii at 6:30 AM on January 14, 2002


Next time Bush comes to New York City, all the pretzel vendors will be banned from the streets (to prevent the temptation). A little pretzel nearly took him out, can you imagine what would happen if he tried to eat one of those big ones?
posted by panopticon at 6:40 AM on January 14, 2002


Pretzels are for wimps, real leaders eat Twiglets.
posted by niceness at 6:54 AM on January 14, 2002


I'd just like to know where the Secret Service was - I mean, it doesn't sound like one second he was eating pretzels and then wham! he was out? Shouldn't they have noticed that he passed out and hit his head? Bueller?
posted by rshah21 at 7:25 AM on January 14, 2002


Thank God it wasn't a Combo. That's all I'm saying.
posted by solistrato at 7:50 AM on January 14, 2002


This is the best take on this incident so far -- Edutainment!. Learn all about that wacky vagal response!
posted by artlung at 8:08 AM on January 14, 2002


My first thought when I heard this was that he probably had an epileptic seizure of some type, and they're covering it up. If he was sick and running a fever, febrile seizures are not that uncommon.

Seems a lot more likely than choking on pretzels, but as a person with epilepsy, I tend to think everything is neurological.

Based on the man's natural facial expression, I've wondered if he may have recurring absence seizures.
posted by groundhog at 8:43 AM on January 14, 2002


My first thought when I heard this was that he probably had an epileptic seizure of some type, and they're covering it up.

My god, don't they watch "The West Wing" in the White House?
posted by rodii at 8:51 AM on January 14, 2002


It's bizarre, sounds like a cover-up story Bush would invent - doesn't he have people to invent believable bullshit for him?
posted by niceness at 8:58 AM on January 14, 2002


Next time Bush comes to New York City, all the pretzel vendors will be banned from the streets

Oh come on now. That's just another case of pretzel profiling.
posted by dwivian at 9:19 AM on January 14, 2002


This looks like a domestic
posted by stbalbach at 9:29 AM on January 14, 2002


"Intelligent People Choke, Too" is already copyrighted by me.

Sorry MeFi, no new tagline.
posted by Mark at 9:43 AM on January 14, 2002


No doubt whoever's responsible for this also played some part in the CIA's exploding cigar/Castro plot.
posted by drywall at 10:21 AM on January 14, 2002


It's obvious to me that Shrub got drunk on beer and fell down.

Well thank you, Zach. I wasn't aware that you were omniscient and able to know things so concretely when you were no where near the events in question. You know, that could be a neat party trick.

So tell me, what am I wearing today?
posted by Dreama at 11:20 AM on January 14, 2002


I do art better than I do one-liners...
http://www.tevis.net/weblog/archives/binladen_pretzel_30q.jpg
(Warning: self link. Sorry.)
posted by stevis at 11:27 AM on January 14, 2002


The Guardian link guide to all things pretzel, especially useful for non-Americans like myself.
posted by Zootoon at 11:39 AM on January 14, 2002


I have to say that i am also a little suspicious that bush might have fallen off the wagon. which is defintely NOT funny, whereas the pretzel thing totally is.
posted by dina at 1:16 PM on January 14, 2002


So tell me, what am I wearing today?

Brown shirt and black boots? Just a guess.

I think it is all Papa Bush's fault for telling his son...

"Georgie. Don't eat that yucky broccoli. Have a nice wholesome pretzel."
posted by terrapin at 1:38 PM on January 14, 2002


"Bushtard", the illegitimate one...

Sorry. That's neither funny ("this is really getting old!") nor cogent to the thread, nor even a true one-liner. And the epithet "Bushtard" is rightly intolerable to some, whereas the above comments are understandably OK.

...chuckle...

Ah, hell, don't worry, that doesn't make sense to me either. Go figger...

Let's just say the whole thing was an ass-salt on America's leadership by the very twisted and leave it at that, shall we?
posted by fold_and_mutilate at 1:54 PM on January 14, 2002


"Vagaled" is a really good word. It sounds like Yiddish. "You just vagaled away all weekend, you lazy schmuck!"
posted by swerve at 2:10 PM on January 14, 2002


I'd just like to point out that his dogs didn't move. Every dog I've ever known, if I fell to the floor they would have come over to sniff me. I'd like to suggest that either: 1. Bush's dogs don't like him, or 2. they're used to seeing him on the floor.
posted by nicwolff at 2:14 PM on January 14, 2002


Nicwolff raises an interesting point. I can't even move in my chair without my dog getting interested, in case I have goodies to share. :) If I fell over, my dog would certainly come over to see what was going on. (Because it might be play-time.)

Also: Evil-doughers...greatest quip ever. :)
posted by dejah420 at 2:39 PM on January 14, 2002


This should be a lesson to everyone NOT to snort coke and eat pretzels at the same time!

And no wonder the Secret Service didn't intervene... they thought he was just getting a really good high.
posted by Ptrin at 2:44 PM on January 14, 2002


If the news keeps up this type of coverage, it might turn out to be a good year after all.

This was like that time that Gorbechev almost choked on that piroshki. [insert rim-shot]
posted by Down10 at 6:20 PM on January 14, 2002


This comment thread is literally making my sternum burn. Guess I'm just not bright enough to comprehend the usefulness.
posted by JoyG_n Josh at 11:55 PM on January 14, 2002


late AND wrong Josh, congrats.
posted by brian at 1:42 AM on January 15, 2002


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