You just might find that you’re more… CHICKtacular (!)

January 4, 2016 10:31 AM

What I Learned From One Month Of Not Eating Raw Chicken
MeFi's Own GregNog with a personal essay "that I hope resonates with a lot of people". [via mefi projects]
posted by oneswellfoop (97 comments total)

obligatory http://reductress.com/post/5-things-ive-learned-since-quitting-drinking-yesterday/
posted by k5.user at 10:43 AM on January 4, 2016 [8 favorites]

That....was amazingly, powerfully gross and disturbing. Good work, mefi's own.
posted by Frowner at 10:44 AM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

This was the first thing I read this morning and I have been feeling slimey all day ick thanks

My favorite thing was the epithets - wackedy zing! and etc.
posted by sweetkid at 10:48 AM on January 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

So it's true: quitting drinking really does make other people who do still drink anxious and aggressive.

Really, leave people to their little epiphanies.
posted by alasdair at 10:48 AM on January 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Greg has one of those Catan lawn sets? Didn't they outlaw those after a certain number of child skewerings?
posted by mwhybark at 10:49 AM on January 4, 2016 [8 favorites]

If he was only eating 25 lbs/day, he wasn't really a serious eater of raw chicken in the first place.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 10:53 AM on January 4, 2016 [31 favorites]

I feel like this is some sort of milestone in my MetaFilter career.
posted by Spinda at 10:53 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

props to greg for doing this, I never could lol! I can't do anything until ive had my morning poul.
posted by painquale at 10:54 AM on January 4, 2016 [11 favorites]

This unlocked an entirely new emotion in me. What it's called when your stomach hurts from laughing but you also kinda wanna puke?
posted by that's how you get ants at 10:54 AM on January 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

Is this something I would have to quit eating raw chicken to understand? Yikes-a-tootie!
posted by St. Hubbins at 10:55 AM on January 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

I have actually eaten raw chicken. It was billed as chicken sashimi, and immediately after taking a bite, I quit it cold turkey with no difficulty. I guess I just don't have an addictive personality or something.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:55 AM on January 4, 2016 [13 favorites]

I think you mean... cold chicken.
posted by St. Hubbins at 10:57 AM on January 4, 2016 [20 favorites]

If you just sear the outside a little bit it cuts down on the slime and most people don't even look closely enough to see you're eating raw chicken I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:57 AM on January 4, 2016 [11 favorites]

Also, I like the I-quit-drinking articles and am thinking about taking a break from alcohol for a while after reading a couple of them.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:57 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

“u want 2 get chickles 2nite?"

Trigger warning. Geez.
posted by the webmistress at 10:59 AM on January 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

D I S L I K E
posted by poffin boffin at 11:01 AM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

Look! ANYONE can stop eating raw chicken with this one weird old trick
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

poultry farmers hate him!
posted by poffin boffin at 11:02 AM on January 4, 2016 [10 favorites]

I'm sick of being judged for it being my job to eat raw chicken. Judgy McJudgertons.
posted by bleep at 11:02 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

alasdair: “So it's true: quitting drinking really does make other people who do still drink anxious and aggressive.”

I agree – the satire here was a bit obvious. I don't think anybody really believes that Greg could quit eating those marble-white bird gams for a whole month. Pretending he did just for a joke is dumb and mean-spirited.
posted by koeselitz at 11:08 AM on January 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

Yikes-a-tootie.
posted by pxe2000 at 11:09 AM on January 4, 2016

raw chicken is super inflammatory but Big Bird doesn't want you to know THE TRUTH
posted by The Whelk at 11:10 AM on January 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

This is amazing. Kudos!
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 11:10 AM on January 4, 2016

I have actually eaten raw chicken. It was billed as chicken sashimi, and immediately after taking a bite, I quit it cold turkey with no difficulty.

Please tell me you're joking. No one who has ever heard of bacteria could actually be stupid enough to serve this.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:11 AM on January 4, 2016

Looking for a raw chick nug hookup? Private message me for details. Mods pls delete if this is off topic
posted by naju at 11:11 AM on January 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

Tender is the Chicken
posted by The Whelk at 11:12 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Sheesh-a-roni-with-the-slime-shaved-off, such courage!
posted by carsonb at 11:12 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Love this. Kudos Nog!!
posted by pearlybob at 11:12 AM on January 4, 2016

Totally not joking. It was in Japan, and everyone told me not to worry about it because food in Japan is totally clean and safe. In other news, I am very gullible. Also, I can confirm that raw chicken is really gross.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:15 AM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

Please tell me you're joking. No one who has ever heard of bacteria could actually be stupid enough to serve this.

I ate chicken tataki in Tokyo once.

I can quit any time I want.
posted by murphy slaw at 11:17 AM on January 4, 2016

This is why we have an internet.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:21 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

It takes a tough man to quit a tender chicken.
posted by murphy slaw at 11:21 AM on January 4, 2016 [11 favorites]

This is totally disgusting. You're doing it wrong. Who the hell plucks a perfectly good raw chicken before eating it?
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 11:21 AM on January 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: nature’s big wet treat
posted by Itaxpica at 11:22 AM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

There's nothing worse than the shame of waking up next to a picked over raw chicken carcass and asking yourself, how did I eat the whole thing?
posted by peeedro at 11:22 AM on January 4, 2016

Can confirm that raw chicken is in fact a Japanese dish. If you're in the bay area, you can pick up some at Ippuku. Actually quite tasty, if I remember correctly.
posted by rlio at 11:27 AM on January 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

I would totally eat raw chicken in the form of sashimi or chicken tartare if I was confident in the supply chain and handling.
posted by Dip Flash at 11:29 AM on January 4, 2016

Look, if you want to go out & have some chicken at a sushi restaurant, that's all right for you, (not gonna judge) but when you take your kids & they grow up around that kind of behavior, what sort of example are you setting for today's modern youth of today? Besides, it might not even be legal in some states like West Carolina, Ohiowa, and some smaller eastern European countries, & you know how all those borders are shifting without so much as a by-your-leave during lunch, so please! think of the children!
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:32 AM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

raw children? or lightly steamed?
posted by poffin boffin at 11:38 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I go to sushi places, and I don't eat raw chicken. The problem is all the judging and questions from all the raw chickle gobblers around me. One even said he doesn't trust anyone who doesn't guzzle pure poult juice. It's like the chickoholics are insecure about the massive quantities of glistening birdy they eat so they have to take it out one me.
posted by naju at 11:39 AM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

sweetkid: "This was the first thing I read this morning and I have been feeling slimey all day ick thanks "

have you tried cutting out the raw chicken
posted by mhum at 11:49 AM on January 4, 2016 [10 favorites]

I literally had to stop reading halfway through because my stomach was turning so hard.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:51 AM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

That was funny enough without even needing the chicken overlay. By the time I got to 'You sleep better' I realised I had read this article about ten times recently word for word. It's one up from content farm material.
posted by colie at 11:59 AM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I've had raw chicken (and raw horse and various other things) in Japan. It was OK, not terrible but not on my "have to have again" list.
posted by thefoxgod at 12:12 PM on January 4, 2016

It was OK, not terrible but not on my "have to have again" list.

Well, you're obviously not an addict, so maybe this article's not for you.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:18 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

Well, presumably it takes more than once to get addicted. If my social life starts revolving around raw chicken, then I'd be in more trouble.
posted by thefoxgod at 12:26 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

After the Dryanuary, I decided to cut out my caffeine intake for a month just to see how things would go. Suffice to say, so far it's felt like the exact opposite of these other narratives.
posted by tobascodagama at 12:31 PM on January 4, 2016 [8 favorites]

what the hell did I just read
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:31 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

"Quitting" raw chicken doesn't really mean much if you're vaping a cubic liter of slaughterhouse drippings a day.

I mean, OK, inhaling the s-drips is better for your mouth and outer mouth areas, sure. But you're just swapping one habit for another, admittedly cooler and more gaseous-looking, habit.
posted by ignignokt at 12:31 PM on January 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

When you find yourself smoking thigh at 4 AM in some boarded-up chicken shack don't say we didn't warn you.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:41 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

Who even eats raw chicken anymore? Pink slime enemas are way more effective.
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 12:42 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

That's how I know I'm not addicted. Like, at least I'm not butt-chugging it.
posted by naju at 12:45 PM on January 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

ArbitraryAndCapricious: In other news, I am very gullible.

Did you know that someone painted the word "gullible" on your ceiling? 'S true.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:52 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

You know, if you blend up your raw chicken, you can put it in a fancy Nalgene bottle and no one will know when you're drinking it at work.

* or so I've heard *
posted by blue_beetle at 12:53 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Gawd, I went into one of those raw chicken places one time and I could. not. get. the. stink. off. Like, you can smell those chickenists in the halls, those guys who go to the raw chicken place around the corner are fooling nobody!
posted by Ogre Lawless at 12:56 PM on January 4, 2016

wenestvedt: "Did you know that someone painted the word "gullible" on your ceiling?"

No they didn't!
posted by chavenet at 1:02 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

The real problem is that raw chicken is just so cheap these days, thanks to modern breeds and battery farming. How are people supposed to say no to downing tender after tender when they're pennies a pound? Back in the old days, if you wanted some of the slick you had to plunk down a day's wages, and quite possibly pluck it yourself.

And don't get me started on how nobody appreciates the old breeds anymore, which is a damn shame. You might not get as much from, say, a Bardrock or a Poulet Rouge, but you can tell the difference the moment you unwrap that glistening carcass. I can make a half pound of Rhode Island Red last for hours, slowly chewing each bite until it's nothing but mush. But just try to get millennials to stop and savor that. They're too busy slamming sausage shots or loading up a chicken bong with five pounds of ground chicken, half of it gristle. It's embarrassing is what it is.
posted by jedicus at 1:33 PM on January 4, 2016 [6 favorites]

When we were growing up, my whole family would have to gum a single raw chicken liver, passing it back and forth between the eight of us. We'd make that wad of saliva-slicked raw chicken liver last us for a week, and we were glad to have it! But try telling the lizard people that, they never believe you.
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 1:38 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

“nature’s big wet treat”

Does this make raw pork "nature's other big wet treat?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:40 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

ok so no one's having chicken for dinner tonight now right? I doubt I am.
posted by sweetkid at 1:42 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

I feel like chicken tonight...

This cries out for a remake with...you guessed it!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:44 PM on January 4, 2016

This unlocked an entirely new emotion in me. What it's called when your stomach hurts from laughing but you also kinda wanna puke?

I believe the Germans call it Geilheit.
posted by kafziel at 2:08 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Greg has one of those Catan lawn sets? Didn't they outlaw those after a certain number of child skewerings?

no, they simply renamed it - catan - game of thrones edition
posted by pyramid termite at 2:10 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yeah, sometimes you have to hit bwak bottom.
posted by Splunge at 2:23 PM on January 4, 2016 [12 favorites]

This only really a problem in USA anyway. In Europe there's not some backwards social stigma about children taking a lick of their parents chicken at dinnertime In fact even when I was as young as 1 or 2 months old my Ne-ma would smear some skin on my gums just to get me to stop playing the Flugelhorn for a few hours ha ha.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:28 PM on January 4, 2016 [11 favorites]

Can someone explain the article to me? Is it a parody of drug-quitting articles because the writer finds it annoying when someone writes about quitting stuff, or is it trying to show how silly/gross drugs are (and society's pressures to use said silly/gross things) by using a similarly silly/gross thing as a substitute? Because I read the article initially thinking it was the latter but I'm guessing it's actually the former?
posted by picklenickle at 2:38 PM on January 4, 2016

picklenickle: “Can someone explain the article to me? Is it a parody of drug-quitting articles because the writer finds it annoying when someone writes about quitting stuff, or is it trying to show how silly/gross drugs are (and society's pressures to use said silly/gross things) by using a similarly silly/gross thing as a substitute? Because I read the article initially thinking it was the latter but I'm guessing it's actually the former?”

It's an article by Greg Nog, one of the funniest people alive.

It's not really about social commentary. It's about eating raw chicken.
posted by koeselitz at 2:43 PM on January 4, 2016 [9 favorites]

Try to stop thinking about drugs so much! Think instead about abstaining your tongue from wrapping itself around a sluicy raw chicken tender. To-too-too-tooodle-ooo!
posted by carsonb at 2:44 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

This is like an egg sac laid by one of the best biggest gods. Thank you oneswellfoop and thank you GregNog.
posted by clockwork at 2:57 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Who will deny they've dipped into a bag of beaks n toes in a social setting? But it's true--soon enough you'll be wresting that paper bag of guts from a Rosie the Range Chicken and using it as a tea bag. Like the late great Johnny Cash said, you eat the raw chicken for as long as you can and then--one day--the raw chicken, well, it starts eating you.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:05 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Can someone explain the article to me? Is it a parody

There's certainly been a recent rash of "I quit THING for a month and it felt AMAZING, you should too, here are the top 10 things I learned!" on the ol' content farms. There's been at least two shared here in the past few days.
posted by naju at 3:25 PM on January 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Once I ate so much raw chicken that I threw up everywhere, no joke.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:35 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

Wow, the cycle of sincere to sarcasm is getting pretty tight. Pretty soon the parodies will come first (as is the style of Soviet Russia.)
posted by elwoodwiles at 4:07 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

In Soviet Russia, sarcasm sinceres YOU.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:13 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

In Soviet Russia, raw chicken can't quit YOU!
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 4:57 PM on January 4, 2016

ArbitraryAndCapricious: "Totally not joking. It was in Japan, and everyone told me not to worry about it because food in Japan is totally clean and safe. In other news, I am very gullible."

Naw, they weren't pulling your leg. I wouldn't eat any random chicken from the grocery store raw, but stuff sold for use as sashimi actually is clean and safe. Plus, the eggs (all of them, not special 'sashimi eggs' or anything) are safe here, so you can actually make your own eggnog without worrying that you're going to kill your whole family!
posted by Bugbread at 5:31 PM on January 4, 2016

I shared this on Facebook and my mother was SO CONFUSED.
posted by redsparkler at 5:47 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

I've also eaten raw chicken in the form of sashimi in Japan. The family hosting me brought the whole brood out to dinner with me and they insisted that the restaurant was reputable and the chicken same from special suppliers that test the chicken specifically to be eaten raw. Anyway, it was tasty and I think was served with ponzu (just like beef sashimi).
posted by WaylandSmith at 5:55 PM on January 4, 2016

Catan lawn sets, you know, like them japanese swords, catans, used for cutting up your raw chixsies innit
posted by mwhybark at 5:59 PM on January 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

> This is why we have an internet.

I love the internet! Some of you won't believe this, but there was a time when novel ideas were only encountered by rare chance.
posted by fredludd at 6:30 PM on January 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Rare Chance churned out hundreds of Harlequin romances in the 70's, right?
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:45 PM on January 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

Millennials are eating so much raw chicken they're changing how it's sold.
posted by MrBadExample at 7:46 PM on January 4, 2016 [15 favorites]

Raw chicken Popsicle anyone?
posted by blue_beetle at 9:46 PM on January 4, 2016

Won't somebody think of the eggs?
posted by flabdablet at 11:42 PM on January 4, 2016

Guys, can we talk about how the Chicken Tonight jingle is now 24 years old?
Can we?

(True story, I *had* raw chicken on the bench and I was about to make sully some cluck meat to make satay chicken - from scratch for dinner, and now I'm not. Thanks, Metafilter I'm going to try this raw food everyone keeps harping on about!)
posted by Mezentian at 12:44 AM on January 5, 2016

Is "tempurature" a cool phrase that people cooking tempura-battered dishes use? If it isn't IT SHOULD BE
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:18 AM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]

This came at a very propitious time for me.

Just last night, I was alone at the office, feeling bored and I reached for my Cluckr app. I was kind of hoping no one would be online, but before I knew what happened, there I was totally binging on raw chicken. I was smearing it over my belly (it's good for my skin!), stuffing it in my mouth. I even lied about it to my wife when she happened to call to check in - I was just all like, "oh, I'm not sure what I'm doing for dinner, I guess I'll head on home and see what leftovers we have" and all that.

Now I feel so guilty. Greg makes it seem so easy to quit, but I've tried everything. I think I'm finally able to admit I need help. Does anyone know any self-help groups for giving up the raw?
posted by jasper411 at 7:41 AM on January 5, 2016 [2 favorites]

Does anyone know any self-help groups for giving up the raw?

It's confusing, I know, but this is one of the rare situations in which you definitely do not want to go to the Wu-Tang Clan for help.
posted by ignignokt at 7:55 AM on January 5, 2016

Cluck Old Hen, cluck and squall,
Ain't laid an egg since we ate her raw.
Cluck old hen, cackle and sing,
We ate her raw way back last spring.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:37 AM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was about to Google raw chicken and see if I understood it correctly. Ahaha brilliant!

There is no incorrect way to understood raw chicken, Abeer.
posted by carsonb at 7:32 PM on January 5, 2016

Greg Nog, I'd like a refund for the chicken I bought for this week, because I can't even look at it.
posted by sweetkid at 7:33 PM on January 5, 2016 [2 favorites]

Also how weird is it that Medium points out that three people highlighted the word "trudge?" Just that word, out of all the words? In a piece with words like Yikes-a-whuh-huh?
posted by sweetkid at 8:01 PM on January 5, 2016 [3 favorites]

I sort of figured that he was sitting on his porch swing, sipping a glass of good herbal iced tea, when like a bolt of lightning, the word "Yikes-a-tootie!" flashed into his otherwise empty mind, & suddenly, something, anything had to be written around it right now.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:10 PM on January 5, 2016 [10 favorites]

Most recommended comment: "Poor idea for a parody, worse execution." Wow, the Medium community sure are a fun bunch!
posted by naju at 12:24 AM on January 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Masticating raw chicken helped me quit my frozen hot dog habit. It's better for the teeth.
posted by Sprocket at 9:56 PM on January 7, 2016

This was visceral in a way that I felt like I was actually eating raw chicken. eeeew lmao, so great though
posted by yueliang at 12:38 PM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]

This was visceral in a way that I felt like I was actually eating raw chicken.

Yes! I drove past a billboard yesterday that had a photo of a packaged boneless skinless chicken breast and I just kept imagining chewing it raw. Which was disturbing, but I couldn't get the image out of my head.
posted by jaguar at 12:47 PM on January 9, 2016