The Hasselhoff Reviews

December 6, 2002 3:59 AM

The Hasselhoff Reviews
posted by Frasermoo (42 comments total)

Normally I prefer to be the third or fourth person to point out a double post but this time I just can't help myself.
posted by vbfg at 4:00 AM on December 6, 2002

While we're here, I'll point out this jewel:

***** -- Not Yet Heard It, December 3, 2002
As I have not yet heard this album, could someone recommend any tracks as being particularly good

Reviewer: Pant Gasm from Germany

Pant Gasm is up there with the best names in these spatial dimensions.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 4:07 AM on December 6, 2002

double post? ack. I searched, but now I apologise if so.
posted by Frasermoo at 4:34 AM on December 6, 2002

I love the reviews:

"I would dearly love to rhapsodise further the merits of David Hassleheamorrhoid's album, but the doctors have warned against me having any further contact with said product"

I wonder why he bothers putting records, doesn't he have enough money already?
posted by sebas at 4:40 AM on December 6, 2002

"With the particularly good "Hot Shot City" in his repertoire, Knockitoff, is not merely a bigger love walrus than Barry White, he is truly a sperm whale. "

genius.

PS - still can't find the double post.
posted by Frasermoo at 4:43 AM on December 6, 2002

The range and sensitivity displayed here will leave your eyebrows in your hair.

I'm gonna use this line the next time somebody starts getting out of hand here on Mefi.
posted by ashbury at 5:20 AM on December 6, 2002 [1 favorite]

With a voice that has been justly compared to the sound of a steam train colliding with a busload of eunuchs...

Sheer poetry.
posted by Slithy_Tove at 5:35 AM on December 6, 2002

Check out clavdivs' review:

Don't be mistaken, the instant this (exquisitely packaged, btw) disc leaps its way onto your Beat Box (mine's a multichanger) like a thrusting man-god in orange subdueing an Atlantic surf-storm (but this time without that plastic thing on a string), a tsunami of sheer lunatic artistry descends on one's fornicating worthlessness. On you jump, the elevator of higher understanding, accelerating towards & through each track ('floor'), until you stop at Lingerie & Ladies' Fashions that is 'Hot Shot City', which is particularly good.

Meanwhile, outside Hafflehorse's carrot-hued universe, you don't notice that your tongue has been trapped in an egg whisk for some while as you become a floater, bobbing downstream in the undercurrent of sonic dysentery towards 'Je t'aime Means I Love You', a foreplay of toe-sucking banjo virtuoso, soaring then tumbling into the tender congress of harmonies between a rabid parrot and a peeled monkey.

Leave well alone, if you feel shaving ferrets is life enough; otherwise be--ware, peer beyond the cover hewn from the rock of Olympus itself and forever stain your psyche with an indelible chalky-whiteness.
posted by thewittyname at 5:40 AM on December 6, 2002

Well, according to the reviews, the song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.
posted by SpaceCadet at 5:45 AM on December 6, 2002

Well we've seen the videos before, but I didn't rememebr the reviews - hilarious, so even if it is pulled, thanks for the morning guffaws, frasermoo.

Someone should retrieve that Voyager satellite that we launched many years ago, and replace that Mozart music we put in there with this golden CD. How better to commemorate all of Man's achievements and intelligence by including this unforgettable collection of Eurotrash music sung by a celebrity from a canceled series. It is truly a great thing to witness the rebirth of music, the rebirth of the human spirit, and the afterbirth of my second son all in the span of 2 years! Jawdroppingly great, David Hudwalker takes your expectations and gives them a painful wedgy, until both buttocks cheeks bleed.
posted by madamjujujive at 5:48 AM on December 6, 2002

Our custumors'advice:
1 person recommended Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation instead of Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff
teehee
posted by ginz at 5:59 AM on December 6, 2002

2 people recommended The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men in addition to Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff [IMPORT]
posted by monkey closet at 6:02 AM on December 6, 2002

Thanks for the link. Things like this are the reason I still read this site after 2 years.

BTW, it all started here.
posted by internal at 6:12 AM on December 6, 2002

He effortlessly runs the whole emotional gamut from 'happy' to 'sad'.

For a second, I thought my browser had been hijacked by The Onion. It had not. I'm worried that there are (apparently) actual live people that would pen the above sentence.
posted by deadcowdan at 6:18 AM on December 6, 2002

IRONY
posted by Pretty_Generic at 6:23 AM on December 6, 2002

Okay, on further reading, it appears that these reviews are all attempting to be The Onion. I was operating on the assumption that Amazon moderates its reviews. Is that not correct? How did these get on their site?
posted by deadcowdan at 6:39 AM on December 6, 2002

Where Hasselhogg gets his inspiration. He reviewed the German band Tocotronic on Amazon.
posted by Frank Grimes at 6:51 AM on December 6, 2002

As I have not yet heard this album, could someone recommend any tracks as being particularly good

Reviewer: Pant Gasm from Germany

...Which brings me to my final conclusion.... Germans love David Hasselhoff!
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:03 AM on December 6, 2002

deadcowdan: I would submit that this is a different exercise in satire than the Onion. This is more of a coordinated public prank (albeit a milk-shooting-out-the-nose juvenile one). I mean, while the tone is heavy on the ridiculousness, this is a whole other beast.
Does this happen on Amazon all the time? Or is it just with easy targets like Hasselhoff?
posted by chandy72 at 7:12 AM on December 6, 2002

this hafflehorse, it vibrates?
posted by quonsar at 7:26 AM on December 6, 2002

so this cd, it vibrates?

chandy, the Amazon reviews of the Harry Potter Broom were also fake.
posted by whatnot at 7:38 AM on December 6, 2002

... and quonsar beats me to the punch.
posted by whatnot at 7:39 AM on December 6, 2002

Check out the recommended items to go with Pat Robertson's new book.
posted by dnash at 7:46 AM on December 6, 2002

Anyone gonna put me out of my misery and show me where this alleged double post is?
posted by Frasermoo at 7:55 AM on December 6, 2002

$16.99.

That's the part I don't understand.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:57 AM on December 6, 2002

$16.99.

That's the part I don't understand.

I blame the RIAA. Or the IRA, one of the two.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:59 AM on December 6, 2002

* 6 people recommended Mein Kampf in addition to The Death of the West: How Dying Populations and Immigrant Invasions Imperil Our Country and Civilization (by Pat Buchanan)

tee hee.
posted by whatnot at 8:01 AM on December 6, 2002

* 3 people recommended The New Joy of Gay Sex in addition to Celebrity (by N-Sync)
* 1 person recommended Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables instead of Celebrity (by N-Sync)

ok, I'll stop now.
posted by whatnot at 8:06 AM on December 6, 2002

Frasermoo: it was one of this links in this post from January, but it's brilliant on its own.
posted by yhbc at 8:16 AM on December 6, 2002

Thanks yhbc, it was bugging me.

It is worthy on it's own, coz I have been cracking up all day reading it.

I could die a happy man tomorrow, for today I have heard the magnificent splendor of the songs of David Hoopertaft.
posted by Frasermoo at 8:23 AM on December 6, 2002

vbfg: It's not cool to call double post without linking to the original; it makes the poster feel bad without actually showing he has anything to feel bad about. Thanks for providing the info, yhbc, and I agree that this is worth posting on its own. Best laugh I've had all week.
posted by languagehat at 8:24 AM on December 6, 2002

Years ago this Family Circus book was similarly pranked. The original reviews have been pulled since, but here's an archive. If you look at almost any other Keane book you'll find people are still doing it.

You might also enjoy the work of Henry Raddick, who has authored nearly 300 questionable reviews.
posted by O9scar at 8:39 AM on December 6, 2002 [1 favorite]

haha, i hadnt read amazon reviews in a while

i just pulled up this review yesterday to relive one of the biggest amazon review laughs i have ever had. (though the recent entries have been taken over by 'all your base' juveniles)
posted by yeahyeahyeahwhoo at 8:48 AM on December 6, 2002

Brimming with freshness and musky skank and accompanied by a voice that sounds like eight llamas impaled on a jousters lance, these hymns of hunkiness stay with you like an extended case of mono.

Reads sort of like a PG Lester Bangs.
posted by y2karl at 8:52 AM on December 6, 2002

Almost all the Hasselhoff albums get similar reviews:
It made nice lining for my bird cage.

After listening to the CD for 134 hours non stop my CD player died. Because I could not afford to replace my CD player I ate the CD.
posted by misterioso at 9:12 AM on December 6, 2002

Harry Raddick is my new "Friday Funday" hero!
Sort of like a Neil Hamburger for the Amazon Reviewer world.
posted by chandy72 at 9:19 AM on December 6, 2002

Duh, I meant Henry. (full discolusure, I also spelled "Friday" wrong on the furst trie, two.)
posted by chandy72 at 9:20 AM on December 6, 2002

aah, priceless. My day has been made - thank you, frasermoo and quonsar!
*hiccuping, wiping tears*
posted by widdershins at 9:31 AM on December 6, 2002

This is very funny and I wouldn't care if it's a double post. I laughed my ass off from the video that was linked earlier. Thanks!
posted by MaddCutty at 12:01 PM on December 6, 2002

I can't believe you people. You assume it's a joke. Have you heard the album? Hasn't anyone actually considered the possibility that it might actually be that good? Give it a chance.
posted by greasepig at 2:36 PM on December 6, 2002

Thank you greasepig, perfect timing...
posted by internal at 4:35 PM on December 6, 2002

Sorry folks, I couldn't find the link either. My bad. I knew it was there but I also now know I did that wrong.
posted by vbfg at 1:11 PM on December 9, 2002