He's making the first whirababy fishamagig. It'll be even better than the Badger Blaster!

December 10, 2002 10:46 AM

Attention D.C. residents- remain going about your business and please ignore the continuous explosions coming from Dick Cheney's house. [more]
posted by XQUZYPHYR (76 comments total)

Yea... the reason is it's not really anybody's business. They're building something that they can't talk about. What's the big deal?
posted by Witty at 10:52 AM on December 10, 2002

Has anyone noticed the odor of sulphur hanging in the air?

Not anybody's business?
You'll do just fine in Ashcroft's America.
posted by 2sheets at 10:56 AM on December 10, 2002

posted by the fire you left me at 10:58 AM on December 10, 2002

I wouldn't be concerned. They're just making it so Cheney's escape rocketship can come out of the swimming pool. (5...4...3...2...1...Thunderbirds are go!)
posted by crunchland at 10:59 AM on December 10, 2002

They're obviously building a secret underground fortress to house his invisible nuclear helicopter.

Obviously.
posted by mikeh at 10:59 AM on December 10, 2002

Methinks maybe they're building a underground bunker? Either that or making tunnels for the molemen, whom we all know are secretly controlling the vice president.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:59 AM on December 10, 2002

XQUZYPHYR: The spreading stains on your pants? That's urine.
posted by dhoyt at 11:08 AM on December 10, 2002

posted by the fire you left me at 11:12 AM on December 10, 2002

He's probably testing out some new explosives for suicide bombs.

But of course it's nothing you have to worry about, there are plenty of 'projects' going on where there are one or two explosions a day for 8 months, for example gold mining. He's probably just digging a hole in the ground.

On preview, he's most likely getting some dental work done.
posted by sebas at 11:15 AM on December 10, 2002

There are secret tunnels and bunkers all over D.C. I wouldn't doubt that many of them were made using explosives. I'm sorry if it rattles the neighbors for a bit... deal with it.

2sheets: It's a SECRET! And you're right, I WILL do just fine in Ashcroft's America... and anyone else's America for that matter.
posted by Witty at 11:15 AM on December 10, 2002

XQUZYPHYR: that's the US Naval Observatory
posted by reverendX at 11:16 AM on December 10, 2002

Wow.
posted by cinderful at 11:19 AM on December 10, 2002

Maybe it's his new pacemaker keeping his shrivelled black heart pumping.
posted by vito90 at 11:22 AM on December 10, 2002

Okay, not really, but is there any reason this isn't supposed to creep me out?

It's not uncommon to use explosions in major construction projects. They're probably clearing some ground away for a rec room or something. The only reason there's an air of "secrecy" around it is that it's the vice president's house, and the goings-on there (especially with regard to construction, blueprints, etc.) shouldn't really be public knowledge.

I mean, I know it's cool to hate our elected officials and all, but I'd personally prefer that terrorists, psychopaths, or hitmen not know the blueprints of our vice-president's home.
posted by oissubke at 11:23 AM on December 10, 2002

I dislike Cheney as much as anyone, but this story? Come on, there's no there there. You said "continuous explosions coming from Dick Cheney's house," and linked to a story of periodic explosions coming from the Naval Observatory. There are a lot of reasons they might be using explosions, most of which they wouldn't be able to talk about and many of which have nothing to do with the VP's residence, which is just one part of the Observatory.

Surely there are enough valid reasons to complain about Cheney without resorting to idle speculation and bad pictures. This is the kind of mindless bashing that lets conservatives start ranting about the liberal bias here.
posted by anapestic at 11:26 AM on December 10, 2002

This Vice Presidential Residence, it vibrates?
posted by blue_beetle at 11:31 AM on December 10, 2002

I wouldn't worry. it's probably just a squad of explosive robot suicide moles that cheney invented on a whim so he could sit on his veranda with his best friend drinking bourbon and betting on which part of the garden the mole would blow up. he built them in his basement for a laugh one night but got carried away and built far too many and they all escaped by burrowing through a crumbling wall into his garden where they will continue to explode for the next 8 months. he probably drives his wife crazy with his mad schemes.
posted by gravelshoes at 11:33 AM on December 10, 2002

I really think he needs to change his diet. I get those small explosions around my house occasionally. The magnitude depends on the dinner.
posted by eyeballkid at 11:40 AM on December 10, 2002

posted by quonsar at 11:41 AM on December 10, 2002

Oissubke writes: I'd personally prefer that terrorists, psychopaths, or hitmen not know the blueprints of our vice-president's home.

Yes, and I'd prefer that terrorists, psychopaths, or hitmen not have access to city maps, road atlases, the locations of public buildings, or for that matter, my house. But this is America. Freedom has risks. Washington is trying to make us forget that essential truth... and they are succeeding.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:47 AM on December 10, 2002

I thought it was funny.

Oh yeah, XQUZYPHYR? We'll see how funny you think it is when Bush is holding you up so Cheney can disembowel you with his cake knife.

First, they came for the puppies, and I said nothing...
posted by stonerose at 11:51 AM on December 10, 2002

From the article: the neighborhood, which includes the Washington residence of former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton

It's obviously a secret tunnel to Bill's love shack.
posted by samuelad at 11:59 AM on December 10, 2002

I'd personally prefer that terrorists, psychopaths, or hitmen not know the blueprints of our vice-president's home.

Really? What if the vp is all of the above? ;)
posted by iamck at 12:01 PM on December 10, 2002

You know, I'm glad there exist people like gravelshoes and crunchland and fire who were smart enough to understand that I posted it because I thought it was funny.

Uh huh. The following quote of yours just reeks with humor:

The deal, Witty, is that they're building something that involves randomly setting off explosives... frequently... for several months. Couple that with the fact that this is at the home of a VP who is already stereotyped as a quasi-James Bond villain with a strong hankerin' for setting off explosives in a completely different way and you've got a plausible reason for neighbors to being wondering what the hell is going on.

Besides, I think Cheney's used the "none of your business" excuse enough this week.

Sounds more like, "I realized I put a dumb link here. Better say I was joking."
posted by anapestic at 12:02 PM on December 10, 2002

Dude, his crank lab is acting up.
posted by Hackworth at 12:03 PM on December 10, 2002

" This is the kind of mindless bashin........"

I would like to politely suggest that people who can't see the humor and/or entertainment value in the story might perhaps have their sphincters puckered way too fucking tightly.

The suggestion that we should "lay off" something like this in the interests of productive and level-headed discussion is an indication that someone needs to stop taking things too seriously.

I mean please, he's building a freakin' *lair* with taxpayers money. How can you blow that off?
posted by y6y6y6 at 12:06 PM on December 10, 2002

What Cheney sees seconds before these "explosions"


posted by putzface_dickman at 12:10 PM on December 10, 2002

So, XQUZYPHYR, the people that were hip to your brilliantly executed joke just happen to be "smart enough" to understand the ruse, but the rest of us didn't "get it"?

Tool.

(On preview, what anapestic said)
posted by dhoyt at 12:14 PM on December 10, 2002

If it's not the swimming pool thingy, then I think he's only converting the bowling alley into a sex dungeon or something.
posted by crunchland at 12:17 PM on December 10, 2002

The funniest part about the pissy people in this thread is that the joke was too easy to even be considered "smart" or "hip." If you didn't "get it", or somehow need to share that you didn't find it amusing for some reason, I suggest you refer to y6y6y6's above post and find another thread to bring down. Stop trying to kill the funny.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:20 PM on December 10, 2002

XQUZYPHYR, the poster himself, "killed the funny" when he said:

The deal, Witty, is that they're building something that involves randomly setting off explosives... frequently... for several months. Couple that with the fact that this is at the home of a VP who is already stereotyped as a quasi-James Bond villain

etc.
posted by dhoyt at 12:24 PM on December 10, 2002

funny
posted by Witty at 12:28 PM on December 10, 2002

I'm sorry. You're right.

MetaFilter: There will be no funny.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:28 PM on December 10, 2002

Sorry mom.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:29 PM on December 10, 2002

*explosion*
Homer: Kablammo! Oh, excuse me, Marge.
posted by thanotopsis at 12:30 PM on December 10, 2002

Wow. Haven't visited in a few days, and suddenly I'm seeing FARK Photoshops in MeFI threads?

[snark]
Is there no sanity left at all?!?
[/snark]
posted by TheManWhoKnowsMostThings at 12:33 PM on December 10, 2002

welp. so much for the "undisclosed location"!
"follow the follow the follow the follow the follow the rumbling sinkholes!"
posted by quonsar at 12:33 PM on December 10, 2002

So Cheney has contracted the NAVY into making hard liquor?
posted by abez at 12:52 PM on December 10, 2002

posted by ac at 1:00 PM on December 10, 2002

The theory here is that he's building a giant set of Whack-a-Veep tunnels.
posted by SealWyf at 1:04 PM on December 10, 2002

perhaps he has purchased a small bronze cannon which he keeps by his bed and fires every time he ejaculates.
posted by gravelshoes at 1:18 PM on December 10, 2002

gravelshoes, once a day? That would kill him!
posted by sebas at 1:26 PM on December 10, 2002

This Vice Presidential Residence, it vibrates?

No, it sounds da bomb.
posted by thomcatspike at 1:26 PM on December 10, 2002

I can't beleive no one's said it... SOMEBODY SET US UP THE BOMB!
posted by SpecialK at 1:46 PM on December 10, 2002

SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB!
posted by quonsar at 1:53 PM on December 10, 2002

The Navy is performing some kind of construction on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Academy,

Just to clarify: The Navel Academy is in Annapolis, this is the Naval Observatory, right next door to the British Embassy, on Mass. Ave, N.W. Washigton D.C.
posted by buz46 at 2:02 PM on December 10, 2002

What is this Photoshop thing you mention?
posted by dhacker at 2:20 PM on December 10, 2002

Yea... the reason is it's not really anybody's business. They're building something that they can't talk about. What's the big deal?

Um, we are not subjects in this country, therefore everything "they" do is our business. "They" work for us, our tax dollars pay "their" salaries (in addition to their Enron, etc... insider trading money). I suppose you think the disappearance of JFK's brain, and other pertinent assassination evidence is none of our business as well.
posted by buz46 at 2:21 PM on December 10, 2002

It's a good link, anapestic, fuck you very much and your little dhoyt too.

I think it's a funny story.

I'm not seeing the equals sign here, but it's cute of you to resort to simply saying "fuck you." That's a time-tested rhetorical trick of particular elegance.

I think it's wildly funny that you're now trying to call me on something you claimed I did while I obviously care less about the entire deal than you do.

Thanks for clearing that up! I now see how little you care . . . about . . . your good link. Or something.
posted by Skot at 2:21 PM on December 10, 2002

Wait.. You mean he's NOT building a superweapon in his back yard?

Why did you post this shit then? I want to hear no more of this Cheney-blabber unless it has something to do with giant lazers or ice castles.
posted by onedarkride at 2:26 PM on December 10, 2002

On the other hand, if they cant give us all the details for security reasons I can, sort of, understand that. However, a blanket, " mind your own business " is never acceptable in a Democracy.
posted by buz46 at 2:26 PM on December 10, 2002

Interviews with nearby residents reflect that after several months, the Observatory explosions may be responsible for the appearance of minor structural damage in their homes. Apart from concern that the blasting is scheduled to continue for another eight months, residents appear to have no point of contact at the Navy should things worsen.

It's worth noting that the people interviewed were not spitting bile. They, in fact, commented on how the Observatory and area residents had strived to be good neighbors in the past, to where the Navy would even host parties for local children. The events of September 11th, it was said, changed the climate quickly.
posted by LinusMines at 2:29 PM on December 10, 2002

fuck you very much...

whoa, i like the word 'fuck' as much as the next guy, but i don't think we need to use it in expressing contempt for our fellow man.

after all, it's JUST A WEBSITE

and look at that little rodent thing -- isn't that cute?
posted by fishfucker at 2:31 PM on December 10, 2002

Oissubke writes: I'd personally prefer that terrorists, psychopaths, or hitmen not know the blueprints of our vice-president's home.

Hmm. Me, I'd personally prefer a return to the days when a person could tour the White House, schedule a one-on-one meeting with the President, drive up Pennsylvania Avenue, observe Congress in action from the balcony...you know, the good old days of democracy, when it used to involve human beings, not sacred, untouchable toads.
posted by rushmc at 3:00 PM on December 10, 2002

If Witty decided that he was going to interpret something I said as an insinuation of that magnitude (of course. I HONESTLY think the VP is building a superweapon in his backyard. Go find the thread about coming down from an acid trip, okay?) that's his problem, not mine.

What the hell did I do... besides make the first comment? I can't believe I missed the "obvious joke" of the FPP in the first place.

I suppose you think the disappearance of JFK's brain, and other pertinent assassination evidence is none of our business as well.

What's going on here? Settle down there Tex.

Sorry X-man, I'm not buying your whole "this was supposed to be funny" bit. It may have turned OUT to be funny, but it didn't come from you. But anyway...
posted by Witty at 3:20 PM on December 10, 2002

Also... where is this interpretation I made, XQUZYPHYR?
posted by Witty at 3:32 PM on December 10, 2002

It's simple, see: the random explosions are really designed to drive down real estate values so Cheney can snap up Bill and Hillary's houses in the neighborhood. Plus, there's the side benefit of adding to Cheney's reputation as a "man of mystery"

By the way, whatever happened to that poor little dog he was menacing with that cake knife?
posted by troutfishing at 3:41 PM on December 10, 2002

Of course, you can compare this to yesterday's fark discussion on the same topic.
posted by jonah at 3:56 PM on December 10, 2002

XQUZetc., if it's any consolation my stomach still hurts from laughing -- partially from the link, partially from the fact that it made me think of a million fart jokes (and I hasten to add that I am not someone who finds fart jokes particularly funny, unless they're delivered in a Monty Python sketch), and partially because someone named Witty -- oh, the delicious, easybake irony! -- doesn't find it funny at all.

Incidentally, this thread reminds me a little of the debate Roger Ebert inadvertantly started last year in his review of Heist when he said that Danny DeVito's line "Everybody needs money! That's why they call it money!" was one of the funniest Mamet had ever written. (DeVito's delivery amps it up a notch, too, I might add.) Apparently there was a deluge of letters from the humor-impaired, who didn't understand why this was a funny line at all. I kind of think that some of the people in this thread may have written into Roger Ebert.
posted by scody at 3:58 PM on December 10, 2002

Yes, but the difference there is that the Heist director didn't first make allusions to his own political paranoias, and then try to convince everyone after the movie: "None of that was political, I was just joking!"

I'm far from humor-impaired, I just think XQUZYPHYR has proven himself incapable time and time again of separating his partisanship from his conversational skills. Yes, we get the "joke" about the scary behind-closed-doors machinations of the Cheney compound, and it's mildly funny at best. But since some of you couldn't resist actually thinking there is cause to worry, you got backlash. Why are you surprised?

Danny DeVito quotes and Cheney jokes: comedy fuckin' gold.
posted by dhoyt at 4:37 PM on December 10, 2002

Dude, X-Man, it's just like that book 1984 braaah. *Bong Hit*........
It's not a microphone braaah. *Bong Hit*
posted by Karl at 4:39 PM on December 10, 2002

samuelad: It's obviously a secret tunnel to Bill [Clinton]'s love shack.

Mmmm...Cheney and Bill. That's quite a pair.

rushmc: Me, I'd personally prefer a return to the days when a person could tour the White House, schedule a one-on-one meeting with the President. . .

You can schedule a one-on-one meeting with the President. What's the going rate for a White House coffee these days? Or do you just have to work in the oil industry?

Semi-seriously, though: you're not allowed to observe Congress from the public galleries anymore? This is news to me.
posted by Vidiot at 5:13 PM on December 10, 2002

That said, if Linus' comment is true, then this really does bring a new non-humorous nature to the story. LinusMines, do you live near the Observatory or have a link to all that stuff you mentioned or anything?

XQUZYPHYR: The details above were from a local TV piece. Beyond that, it had made front-page news over the weekend.
posted by LinusMines at 5:19 PM on December 10, 2002

Semi-seriously, though: you're not allowed to observe Congress from the public galleries anymore?

I'm actually not sure of the current status on that one. Last I heard they had closed it to the public and were considering closing it permanently.
posted by rushmc at 6:56 PM on December 10, 2002

i'm confused. i thought the link was funny. i also think cheney is up to something.

troutfishing: bushes menaced little dog barney had a successful faith-based neutering and can often be seen riding with the prez aboard marine one.
posted by quonsar at 7:02 PM on December 10, 2002

Beans, beans the magical fruit . . .
posted by RunsWithBandageScissors at 8:29 PM on December 10, 2002

quonsar - thanks, I was really worried about that little dog. It's not about the neutering, understand, but the picture seemed to depict something like a Bohemian Grove Satanic Sacrifice ritual...little dogs deserve better than that.
posted by troutfishing at 8:36 PM on December 10, 2002

Semi-seriously, though: you're not allowed to observe Congress from the public galleries anymore?

I'm actually not sure of the current status on that one. Last I heard they had closed it to the public and were considering closing it permanently.

You need to visit your congress person or senate person's office and request a pass for either the full tour (which is guided, unlike the casual walk thru sans escort of the past) or you can request a gallery pass.

C-SPAN easier. It's the funniest show on TV.
posted by bas67 at 9:04 PM on December 10, 2002

Nobody knows how to google, anymore. Tickets for the Capitol Galleries. They were closed, temporarily, but have reopened after security improvements. (Among other things, I believe the weapons screening now takes place before you enter the Capitol itself. Also, lobbyists and citizens are no longer permitted to freely roam the halls; they must have a pass to a specific office. Ultimately, the Capitol Visitor Center, planned after the gunman entered Tom Delay's office a couple of years ago, was made a higher priority after September 11 (as was a similar one for the White House), and is intended provide the experience of visiting the Capitol for most nonchalant tourists.

Also, for the record, the original WaPo story which seems even more certain than CNN that this is related to the Vice President's residence, and notes the geologic characteristics of the area -- around 35 feet down, they hit a local form of granite.

It's my guess that in the granite is where they want to be. Interpret that how you may.
posted by dhartung at 12:01 AM on December 11, 2002

it's possible that cheney is carving himself a life size chess set modelled on actual world leaders past and present and he is having trouble getting the right kind of rock from under his house as the granite there is of slightly inferior quality and keeps crumbling under his chisel when he is doing the complicated bits like noses. once finished, the chess pieces could be mounted on small hovercraft pads to be moved around the giant chess board he has created by filling in his swimming pool with concrete. he is planning a big chess board inauguration barbeque next summer for friends and neighbours where everyone will let him win to avoid upsetting him.
posted by gravelshoes at 1:48 AM on December 11, 2002

"What sort of noise were you talking about?"

"Deep, sustained booming sounds."

"Ah, deep sustained booming sounds...about nine, nine-fifteen."
posted by Vidiot at 2:15 AM on December 11, 2002

Not "going away"...

You may have intended it to be funny... fine, fine. But you linked to a CNN story that, in my opinion, wasn't intended to be funny. Other than a taste of sarcasm in your original FPP and opening comment, there's really nothing funny about either of those either.

Now if I were a Bush-bashing pussy, like the rest of ya, I may have noticed the open-door for the stupid cracks and joined in with the "far from funny or clever" comments everyone else is making.

My beef with you is that you've singled me out as some kind of anti-funny leader simply because I was the first to comment on the thread and didn't get your ridiculous "joke" (which you quickly, and very seriously, replied to. I find your hypocrisy to be the funniest aspect of it all).

I'll be sure to look for the humor, from now on, in ALL of your FPPs.

Okay, this "debate" has become comedy fuckin' gold.

All part of your genius plan right? All hail the comedy king, your favorite and mine XQUZYPHYR!
posted by Witty at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2002

Less unfunny commentary, and more funny pictures from the likes of quonsar, please!
posted by skimble at 12:41 PM on December 11, 2002

Dhartung - granite...sounds very stable...I'd want granite too (if I lived in DC).
posted by troutfishing at 8:45 PM on December 11, 2002

In May 2001, Dick had this to say...

"[You] could put a rig on the White House lawn and it could suck oil from all over the metropolitan area."

So my guess is that he is simply trying to find an hobby or an alternative way to make some cash since while he is in service to his government he is no longer free to oversee shady accounting practices in the private sector.

Either that or he is making a really cool theme park called "Oil World."
posted by terrapin at 8:49 AM on December 12, 2002

Three late items:

1. Witty, you need to be careful or you're going to blow your cover. DCish my ass!

2. XQUZYPHYR, you need to remain confident that nobody is going to think you have a crappy sense of humor (see point three) but really just need to know when to let go of an issue. (Alternatively, crank up your sarcasm dial.)

3. While the story has its funny bits, and this thread has made me bust a gut, I can appreciate people's serious concerns. Not because Uncle Dick is building anything nefarious in his underground lair but simply because of two things:

a. Anytime I read "Due to its sensitive nature in support of national security and homeland defense..." it makes my stomach turn.

b. Damn, what was that other thing? Something about our government by the people grumble, grumble. Or was that rumble, rumble. Last I checked, we did not hand over the keys to the nation, its just a rental for Bush & cie.
posted by Dick Paris at 10:40 AM on December 12, 2002