The Oracle of Starbucks

May 22, 2003 9:49 AM

Personality type: Asshat. You carry around philosophy books you haven't read and wear trendy wire-rimmed glasses even though you have perfect vision. You've probably added an accent to your name or changed the pronunciation to seem sophisticated. You hang out in coffee shops because you don't have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink capuccino are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand.
The Oracle of Starbucks. (via chemaccino)
posted by PrinceValium (30 comments total)

What, just because I prefer water over $4 coffees I get this: Personality type: Lame

Screw you starbucks oracle!
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:58 AM on May 22, 2003

Heelarious. I'm a psuedo-intellectual due to my love for the grande chai latte...
posted by greengrl at 10:01 AM on May 22, 2003

I drink gas-station coffee, and I'm way more arrogant than all of you.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 10:04 AM on May 22, 2003

"Either you can't type or you mumble incoherently. If you actually walked into Starbucks and said you wanted a "large Coca Cola" the employees would point and laugh. A reaction you're probably used to. Try again, this time input something that Starbucks actually serves."

I knew there was a reason I've never been in a Starbucks.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:08 AM on May 22, 2003

LOL starbucks is bad LOL
posted by mcsweetie at 10:16 AM on May 22, 2003

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks tall soy chai should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Wow. So much anger... and so close to the truth!
posted by widdershins at 10:19 AM on May 22, 2003

Most people who drink grande mocha are strippers.

Guess I'm not "Most people" then...
posted by MrBaliHai at 10:30 AM on May 22, 2003

"Everyone who thinks America's Funniest Home Videos is a great show drinks bug juice."

??
posted by mrgrimm at 10:31 AM on May 22, 2003

...you're boring... you'd like to be snooty and order an espresso but aren't sure if you're ready for that level of excitement

Actually I just dashed home after eating lunch right next door to Starbucks... so that I could drink an espresso made by someone competent to make espresso, which I am now doing. I guess the omniscient oracle missed a great chance to lay into me.
posted by Zurishaddai at 10:36 AM on May 22, 2003

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Either you can't type or you mumble incoherently. If you actually walked into Starbucks and said you wanted a "enormous pussy lips" the employees would point and laugh. A reaction you're probably used to. Try again, this time input something that Starbucks actually serves.

Ah well.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 10:53 AM on May 22, 2003

Some would say your general personality type is indicated by the fact that you even enter Starbucks...
posted by Shane at 10:54 AM on May 22, 2003

Hmm. The only thing more pretentious than Starbuck's fuckers are we Starbuck's boycotter fuckers. We're just as loathsome, but we do all of it in the privacy of our own homes.

(Also, Starbuck's is not a coffeehouse. Not a not a not a coffeehouse. Nooooooo. It would have to be a "house" for starters. )
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:54 AM on May 22, 2003

Can also be found: On the couch at home

It's like they've known me all my life...
posted by trondant at 10:59 AM on May 22, 2003

Personality type: Ass-clown

You tell people that you're an executive at your company. You think that your repeated references to being "addicted" to caffeine make you seem intriguing and dangerous. People think you're a sucker because you spend 60% of your annual income at Starbucks. Everyone who drinks venti dark roast ends up addicted to crack.

Well, that's what I _would_ order if I stepped nto teh place. Not a fan of burnt coffee beans though, for some reason.
posted by Space Coyote at 11:16 AM on May 22, 2003

Funny! Reminds me of Ed the Sock.
posted by drew_alley at 11:34 AM on May 22, 2003

This is a stupid co-opting of the term "asshat," which surpasses political boundaries.
posted by inksyndicate at 11:34 AM on May 22, 2003

shut up, asshat.
posted by zpousman at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2003

"Medium Motor Oil Flavoured Coffee":

Personality type: High Maintenance

What a perfect answer...
posted by shepd at 12:14 PM on May 22, 2003

The only thing more pretentious than Starbuck's fuckers are we Starbuck's boycotter fuckers.

Heh. That didn't occurr to me till after I made the anti-Starbucks statement above...
posted by Shane at 12:17 PM on May 22, 2003

People who drink espresso are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand.

Fair dos like, but those liberal opinions also keep me the hell away from Starbucks.
posted by jack_mo at 12:51 PM on May 22, 2003

i've been excoriated as a "pseudo-intellectual" and a "pothead" who hangs out at "designer grocery stores," all because of my taste for Tazo Citrus fruit drink....ha! only one out of three... :P
posted by serafinapekkala at 1:23 PM on May 22, 2003

I've heard Whole Foods referred to as Whole Pay Check.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 1:32 PM on May 22, 2003

"Plain black coffee, medium" means that I am High Maintenance. So does "plain yellow coffee, medium" -- and red coffee.

I don't know if it has any relevance for oracle-a-cising, but I always say, "I'd like a cup of deep black joe and a slice of cherry pie," or some other supposedly hip catchphrase from a TV show that only I have seen, and that I have probably mangled. I did not do this at Starbucks, though.

The first time I did go inside a Starbucks, I ordered a "plain black coffee" and they looked at me like I was an idiot. Then they asked me what "size" I wanted, and I told them, "I want it in a mug. What the hell other size is there for a cup of coffee?" Then they looked at me like I was an asshole when I told them to put ice in it, and again when I asked for a refill. I asked for "plain black coffee, medium" the second time, and had no problems. The third time, I got water. All three occasions were business meetings, and had nothing to do with my hanging out at Starbucks.
posted by son_of_minya at 1:32 PM on May 22, 2003

Amen, son_of_minya. I refuse to be part of any mangling of the English language which involves "tall" being the smallest size, followed by a bunch of fake Italian. Though apparently asserting this makes me a high maintenance bottled-water-in-a-crystal-glass type (ack!) or worse.

Also, I am told that Starbucks does not sell a "nice big cup of shut the fuck up", but if they did I'd probably drink it.
posted by arto at 2:43 PM on May 22, 2003

I'm *deeply* impressed by a site that requires you to enter something from a restricted set of values, but does offer a list of those values.

Talk about asshats.
posted by Ayn Marx at 2:47 PM on May 22, 2003

The only thing more tired than the personality type being described is the claim that this personality type exists any time after 1993.
posted by troybob at 4:07 PM on May 22, 2003

Guys, stop taking it personally. It's generated from keywords.
posted by Hildago at 4:58 PM on May 22, 2003

heh heh heh... MetaFilter: I'm way more arrogant than all of you.
posted by ArsncHeart at 5:10 PM on May 22, 2003

or... Metafilter: Stop taking it personally, it's generated from keywords.
posted by jack_mo at 3:01 AM on May 23, 2003

Well, I'm off to Second Cup. Bwahahahaha!
posted by orange swan at 6:19 PM on May 25, 2003