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June 4, 2003 5:08 PM

The story of Mister, uh, Big
Initially I was going to post about this with a tongue-in-cheek tone. But when I got to the end of the piece, I was disturbed to find that an act of child abuse - an act of what I see as an act of pedophilia - has been reported matter-of-factly by Rolling Stone, without so much as the blink of an eye. It's not the central part of the story, not the reason for telling it, but still. Why? is it because perhaps the perpetrator is a woman and it's not seen as a crime? Or is it her age? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Warning - might not be safe for work, especially if the link offsite at the bottom of the page is working...
posted by tomcosgrave (72 comments total)

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Yes.
posted by JollyWanker at 5:14 PM on June 4, 2003

Would it be mountain/molehill time were the male 18 and the female 10??
posted by WolfDaddy at 5:17 PM on June 4, 2003

"Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?"

"Yes."

No.

There, we've heard from both sides.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:19 PM on June 4, 2003

I do have a problem with an 18 year old having sex with a 10 year old whatever the gender, but it was consensual and Jonah's not complaining even now so there were mitigating factors.

What I want to know is, is Jonah married or able to get a girlfriend?

My reaction on seeing a schlong that size would be something along the lines of, "You can leave that thing out, 'cause I could look at it all night. But it's not coming anywhere NEAR me."
posted by orange swan at 5:23 PM on June 4, 2003

Hey, this page has exceeded its bandwidth for this month! Please check back at the beginning of the month when it will be available again. - when clicking 'See it for yourself'.

Aww, shucks. I wanted to assess the molehill for myself.

Orange Swan - I hear ya.
posted by dash_slot- at 5:25 PM on June 4, 2003

A few things to disentangle.

It's not paedophilia, inasmuch as the woman concerned wasn't getting off on his age - she was wholly concerned with his extraordinary penis size. Paedophilia is the name of the kink, not the act.

It could well have been child abuse if it had any negative effect on him. You can't really tell from the article.

It would definitely have been a crime in my jurisdiction - in fact in a very odd coincidence, a woman was convicted for having sex with a 10 year old boy here in New Zealand this week.

Note, when I express some doubt about actual harm, that doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. Just because some individual cases are consequence free doesn't mean there shouldn't be rule if mostly there are consequences.

I'm guessing that it's reported matter-of-factly because the interview subject told it matter-of-factly. *ahem* the focus of the story is on his penis, not his childhood traumas.

Now there's a sentence I don't write every day.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:29 PM on June 4, 2003

Possibly has something to do with R. Kelly doing the same thing and getting busted for it and this not making the slightest dent in the popularity of Ignition, which I hear about twenty times a day due to having a 13-yr-old daughter. It's really sad, stressful and lonely when you know you may possibly have to become a vigilante murderer before your youngest is half grown, because a wuss society isn't going to hang the villain for you.
posted by jfuller at 5:31 PM on June 4, 2003

He refers to his penis as "it" or "my dick." "I won't call it Little German or Ralph, like other guys," he says.

Of course you won't, Jonah. If you're going to name it, it HAS to be christened "the Whale".
posted by orange swan at 5:31 PM on June 4, 2003

"If you're going to name it, it HAS to be christened "the Whale"."

My vote goes for "Rectum Wrecker", but I'm a perv.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:39 PM on June 4, 2003

Well I for one welcome our new Jonah Falcon overlo-

Holy christ, 13 1/2 " inches?!?!?! [penthouse forum]I never considered myself large with my 9 inch penis[/penthouse forum]. I can't believe it! John Holmes was reputed to be that big, but when you see films (as my, uh, friends who have seen porno films tell me) it doesn't anywhere near 13... that's insane!!!
posted by hincandenza at 5:39 PM on June 4, 2003

> an act of what I see as an act of pedophilia - has been
> reported matter-of-factly by Rolling Stone, without so much
> as the blink of an eye.

Give them credit. What they were resisting was sounding proud.
posted by jfuller at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2003

Ok, so no one has answered the question... where can we find a picture that hasn't been slashdotted? Someone do some research!
posted by PigAlien at 5:46 PM on June 4, 2003

Picture mirrored here. Thanks to archive.org, that is. Even the google cache wasn't working.
posted by MiG at 5:47 PM on June 4, 2003

Is that really big? I never hung out in the locker room, so I thought that was normal..............
posted by benjh at 5:48 PM on June 4, 2003

As usual, Archive.org's "Wayback Machine" comes to the rescue.

They have an archived copy of Jonah's picture page HERE.

Archive.org: Always both behind and ahead of the pack.
posted by Dunvegan at 5:50 PM on June 4, 2003

Well, here's Jonah's web site. But's it not actually about his endowment - seems to be more just some movie reviews and such. And the headshots aren't the kind you'd expect.
posted by orange swan at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2003

*snaps fingers*

You were faster at posting...I've been downed by the MiG.

See what comes of having a "slow hand...."
posted by Dunvegan at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2003

From a 1999 article, with details not mentioned by Rolling Stone for some reason:

In the 15 years that the 29-year-old has been
sexually active, he claims to have had over 3,000 sexual
partners, or roughly one sexual encounter every other day
since puberty. He has penetrated women and men and also
himself, just because he can. Even those who cannot
anatomically accommodate it will ask (and sometimes pay)
to see Jonah Falcon’s penis.
posted by Oriole Adams at 6:14 PM on June 4, 2003

There's so much mystique in having Rolling Stone write about how awesome your dong is.

How did that photo manage to take it all away in an instant? Maybe it was his lack of any other physical appeal.

Anyone remember the penis size mystery at the end of Vonnegut's Hocus Pocus?
posted by scarabic at 6:15 PM on June 4, 2003

Wow, that was fast work.

Because I did not need to see that unexpectedly.
posted by padraigin at 6:17 PM on June 4, 2003

According to Jonah's web site, he really does love baseball.

Perhaps the gift I mentioned in a post from earlier today would be just all too utterly appropriate for Mr. Falcon.
posted by Dunvegan at 6:25 PM on June 4, 2003

I, for one, am glad Falcon is getting some loving from someone, because my reaction is similar to orange swan's and dash_slot-'s: no way, man. Contrary to porn, there is a point at which bigger is no longer better. Ow!
posted by hilatron at 6:29 PM on June 4, 2003

*turns on Donkeyschlong signal, waits*
posted by planetkyoto at 6:38 PM on June 4, 2003

he really does love baseball.


so, there's cork in it, too? he's a Sosa fan?
posted by matteo at 6:47 PM on June 4, 2003

I, for one, am glad Falcon is getting some loving from someone, because my reaction is similar to orange swan's and dash_slot-'s: no way, man. Contrary to porn, there is a point at which bigger is no longer better. Ow!

yeah, but one every other day on average means it's not likely many ever went for seconds. In other words, some people were willing to give it a try just to, you know, give it a try, but as a regular thing, forget it. Not many people could comfortably accommodate the girth to start with; I doubt anyone's ever really had sex with him in the ordinary sense. It would be like fisting - slowly, carefully, for the feeling of approaching a limit...

anyone got a pic mirrored somewhere else? the wayback machine is timing out. Just, uh, in case someone else was... oh nevermind.
posted by mdn at 6:56 PM on June 4, 2003

I read the full article in the print version of Rolling Stone. It mentions the 'people will pay to have sex with me...but i'm not a prostitute' section and the fact he lives at home with his mother.
posted by birdherder at 7:02 PM on June 4, 2003

The writer is a good friend of mine, and he writes some of the most sensitive and thoughtful stuff appearing in American magazines today. If there was anything traumatic in that man's story, I am sure he would have covered. As it is, I think was not a big deal to the man, so it did not merit being the focus of the story.
posted by thirteen at 7:17 PM on June 4, 2003

Just another loser.
posted by the fire you left me at 7:20 PM on June 4, 2003

Yup.
posted by luser at 7:33 PM on June 4, 2003

...that may be...but, as a side-effect of being the focus of a Rolling Stone article, just like your run-of-the-mill rock star luminary, Mr. Falcon also receives (at no extra charge!) a free genuine Rolling Stone "fan club" page.
posted by Dunvegan at 7:34 PM on June 4, 2003

anyone got a pic mirrored somewhere else? the wayback machine is timing out.

wayback machine was working for me.
posted by goddam at 7:39 PM on June 4, 2003

Amazing. The world's biggest dick and asshole. All in one.
posted by yerfatma at 7:44 PM on June 4, 2003

Even the google cache wasn't working.

That's because Google doesn't cache images.
posted by kindall at 7:46 PM on June 4, 2003

I'm highly suspect of the figure of 3000 partners. I talk with fellows in Jonah's, ahem, "position" on a semi-regular basis. Every time we have had this type of discussion it revolves around the sheer difficulty of finding partners. Perhaps these guys are just bigger than Jonah but I'm inclined to believe there is some measure of hyperbole in those figures he gives.

In my experience most of these guys are tragic figures and all too often have disease because there are no condoms these guys can use and the partners they can find tend to be less than "prim."
posted by filchyboy at 8:17 PM on June 4, 2003

My vote goes for "Rectum Wrecker", but I'm a perv.

Crash, I'm so disappointed.

Weapon of ass destruction.
posted by WolfDaddy at 8:25 PM on June 4, 2003

Ok, I see Thirteen has posted. Now where's Donkeyschlong?
posted by Hildago at 8:42 PM on June 4, 2003

Gigantic penii are almost better in the mind than they are in the -- well, say, mouth -- unless the guy is everything else you want in a lover. Smart, for instance. Smart enough to make "it" exciting, rather than just a big slab of Spam flopping around. I fantasize about 'em, I've carressed a few of 'em, the thought of them gives me a frisson of something -- envy? adoration? Tantric electricity? -- but practically speaking, I've had really boring sex with gargantuan guys, and really memorable sex with, um, the modestly endowed. If a guy is basically a bore, a mammoth johnson is just more of what's boring.
posted by digaman at 9:20 PM on June 4, 2003

"Crash, I'm so disappointed.

Weapon of ass destruction."

Too topical. Sometimes you have to fall back on the classics.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:41 PM on June 4, 2003

Weapon of ass destruction..

You are the winner. Everyone else stop trying to be funny.
posted by Ignatius J. Reilly at 9:45 PM on June 4, 2003

Um...I'm with the rest of the girls here...that thing is interesting as a conversation piece...but not so much as a bedroom ornament.

Weapon of ass destruction too funny!
posted by dejah420 at 11:16 PM on June 4, 2003

Wow this guy is a total loser, and the writer of the article is a bit of a twit as well. They both come off half baked. Does he do anything, was there any good reason for this article to have been written in the first place? Like, is he in a band or famous or something? Because otherwise, so the fuck what? The fact that he's seriously unattractive plus boring in that way only the self obsessed can be, totally diminishes his dick size. Not that I believe for one second his dick is of much benefit to him. Unless he has a thing for livestock.
posted by zarah at 1:49 AM on June 5, 2003

Erm... can someone tell me how the hell you have sex with yourself? From the context, I'm guessing we aren't talking about Mrs Palm and her daughters here, so how the blue buggery fuck do you get it up your own arse?

I feel sorry for the guy... I've had a couple of females not want to go near mine because it was too big, but 13 inches is just massive... you'd need bigger shoes just to stop yourself falling over...
posted by twine42 at 3:02 AM on June 5, 2003

w.a.d. (acronym: weapon of ass destruction)

1 : a small mass, bundle, or tuft: as a : a soft mass especially of a loose fibrous material variously used (as to stop an aperture, pad a garment, or hold grease around an axle).

fuck w.a.d.?
posted by taz at 3:13 AM on June 5, 2003

Ugh, Jonah Falcon. He was chattering obnoxiously about his dick on Usenet four years ago, and now he gets a story in Rolling Stone? Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Jonah's original home page was linked to Portal of Evil a couple of years back, and the resulting melee of Photoshopped images and tasteless jokes still exists on this fan page. (NSFW and quick-death Geocities)
posted by brookedel at 3:53 AM on June 5, 2003

I'd seen this article before, and already googled for other pages referencing him. His website looked so innocent that I had assumed it was by a different Jonah Falcon.

Now I look a little closer at the caracature on the front page...
posted by skryche at 3:58 AM on June 5, 2003

Oh, and don't miss Jonah's Alley(flash).
posted by skryche at 4:00 AM on June 5, 2003

If anyone remembers the show "Private Dicks" on HBO in about 98 or 99, he was featured in a couple of the segments.
posted by mkelley at 4:26 AM on June 5, 2003

we need to get another nuclear reactor going to power the donkeyschlong signal, people.
posted by sgt.serenity at 5:25 AM on June 5, 2003

When erect, Falcon's penis generates enough heat to warm hands -- campfire style -- from a distance of six inches.

I don't care about the size, but when your penis can be used a source of heat for warming hands, that's really something. If my boner could keep hands warm I'd move to Alaska.
posted by vito90 at 6:21 AM on June 5, 2003

I should have said, "other people's hands", because it does an exemplary job of keeping mine warm.
posted by vito90 at 6:22 AM on June 5, 2003

Ah yes, Jonah Falcon. Self-publicist. Failed writer. Paul Thomas Anderson stalker. Bane of the Internet.
posted by dydecker at 6:39 AM on June 5, 2003

I talk with fellows in Jonah's, ahem, "position" on a semi-regular basis.

Now I'm curious.
posted by gottabefunky at 6:47 AM on June 5, 2003

Only on MetaFilter would this be a story about child abuse. Thank god for comments.
posted by Space Coyote at 6:54 AM on June 5, 2003

They guy seems like a jerk, but I do feel a little sorry for him. I've had experiences with (usually more petite) women that just didn't work out, sexually, for the same reason (though I'm no friggin' 13 inches). And, you know, if I wear a pair of loose boxers to work and, for some reason get even a little aroused, it can be somewhat embarassing if I need to walk to a meeting.
posted by tr33hggr at 7:26 AM on June 5, 2003

And, you know, if I wear a pair of loose boxers to work and, for some reason get even a little aroused, it can be somewhat embarassing if I need to walk to a meeting.

Yet another MeFi username explained.
posted by maudlin at 7:32 AM on June 5, 2003

Yet another MeFi username explained.
posted by maudlin at 7:32 AM PST on June 5

Oh gracious, I take it back. I take it all back! :)
posted by tr33hggr at 7:34 AM on June 5, 2003

One notes a Falconian impulse in the posts of MeFi users who feel compelled to allude ever so delicately to their own massive endowments while expressing either pity or derision for the so-called Mr. Big. But please don't stop.

While Falcon himself couldn't look less attractive really, including La Schlong, which is not only one of the three biggest male organs I've ever seen, but one of the ugliest somehow -- let's face it, he looks like a guy who has come to depend on that only one thing for sex, and could use a little time out of the bedrooms and toilet stalls in the sunlight fergawdsakes -- there's no denying that the subject has some juice in it.

Luckily another website is near at hand to settle once and for all the age-old debate about whether or not size matters. In the hilariously steamy, clammy, veritably panting view of the author of that site, it surely does: "Abundance excites." (Non-Mr. Bigs may proceed with caution through that site at risk of suicide -- or at least death by laughing. Not appropriate for work!)
posted by digaman at 8:52 AM on June 5, 2003

wayback machine was working for me.

yep, it works for me now too. patience is a virtue.

This guy's whole life revolves around his biological anomaly, and unlike some freaks who have strange legs or arms or faces, he is under the impression that the unusual size of this particular appendage gives him some kind of power. He obviously enjoys wearing the tight pants to show it to the world; it's bullshit to claim he's "just a baseball fan" or whatever. But in the end, he's all alone with it. I wonder if any docs do dick reduction surgery...
posted by mdn at 9:02 AM on June 5, 2003

Can anybody find the Onion story about "Ugly Area Man Unsure How to Spread Word About His Twelve-Inch Penis?" I googled it but failed. It seems apropo.
posted by vito90 at 9:14 AM on June 5, 2003

I wonder if any docs do dick reduction surgery...

Fred Willard's character in Waiting for Guffman had that "minor medical procedure," heh heh...
posted by serafinapekkala at 9:29 AM on June 5, 2003

Hmm. Examining those pics at wayback closely, it appears that Jonah doesn't have a tall skinny build, big nose, or big hands (can't see his feet). So is he just an outlier, or do those traditional indicators mean absolutely nothing?
posted by maudlin at 9:43 AM on June 5, 2003

I think its funny that it was probably the key words "big" "dick" that generated the specific text ad on the bottom there.
posted by dgaicun at 9:55 AM on June 5, 2003

One notes a Falconian impulse in the posts of MeFi users who feel compelled to allude ever so delicately to their own massive endowments while expressing either pity or derision for the so-called Mr. Big. But please don't stop.

WTF? I couldn't care less if people know I have a big dick or not. I was born with it, didn't do anything special or work to get it. If this had been a post about creatine, or Foucault, I may have piped in with my opinions regarding those topics as well, since I have experience with both.

But don't worry digaman, I'll stay far away from the next MeFi big cock posting; I wouldn't want you to think that I'm fucking bragging or anything.
posted by tr33hggr at 10:46 AM on June 5, 2003

Fortunately for Jonah (and tr33hggr as well) there's support for this burden.
I can't believe no one else has mentioned this oldie but goodie, but it took a while to find - it's difficult to keep googling variants of "giant cock" for too long and still try to look busy
posted by yhbc at 11:16 AM on June 5, 2003

Scratch the delicate allusion part.
posted by Mid at 11:18 AM on June 5, 2003

While I agree that the article linked to here does not, and should not, focus on pedophilia, it should be noted that pedophilia is defined as:
"The act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children." (dictionary.com)

It does not matter so much that the boy had the genitalea of an adult, but that he was a boy of ten years. "Getting off," for a healthy adult, can only occur when they are emotionally stimulated, as well as physically stimulated. In my book, the 18 year old woman is sick, and needs help.

If you disagree with me then try this: an 18 year old man fucking a ten year old girl with huge tits and a big vagina. Is that healthy?

Perpetuating the stereotype of "man the aggressor" and "woman the consentor" is a disservice to women as well as men, because it portrays women as having no agency in their sexual roles. If women want to continue to be sexual objects, then by all means, take away this woman's agency as a pedophiliac.
posted by zekinskia at 11:27 AM on June 5, 2003

"Getting off," for a healthy adult, can only occur when they are emotionally stimulated, as well as physically stimulated.

*smirk*
posted by Space Coyote at 11:54 AM on June 5, 2003

Gottabefunky I'll try to stick to the prohibition against self linking. Let's just say I talk to guys (and girls) about the size of their organs on a regular basis. They seek me out.

I'm a professional.
posted by filchyboy at 11:56 AM on June 5, 2003

Who prohibited self-linking within the comments? I thought it was only for FPPs?

/wondering if I'm better off not knowing anyway.
posted by Space Coyote at 12:12 PM on June 5, 2003

maudlin - There is absolutely no positive coorelation betwen penis size and any other part of the body. Big nose, big hands, big thumb, big distance between the thumb and index finger -- it's all hooey, concocted by women who want in on the fun.

See, the problem is, you can basically just look at a woman and tell how endowed she is. With a man, it's not as easy. Sure, if the guy's wearing pants two sizes too small, and it's not too cold or wet out, then maybe. But there are so many factors that can influence flaccid size -- and you usually don't get to see it in "full force" until it's too late. So to be fair, women have devised all sorts of scientific principles so they, too, can join in on the objectification. My personal favorite is the "nice ass/bad ass" game.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 12:17 AM on June 6, 2003

Oh, and if this is real (and it appears so), I think this guy has Jonah's meat beat.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 12:22 AM on June 6, 2003

Yes, that's all well and good, but can he play the piano?
posted by madamjujujive at 5:05 AM on June 6, 2003