But did he scream out his own name??

March 26, 2004 6:58 PM

Go screw yourself! One man takes up the challenge. For...um...science and the betterment of something or other.
posted by jonmc (24 comments total)

This is far and away grant stoddard's best piece. It's a shame that it's the last last installment of "i did it for science", but what a high note to go out on. The premise by itself is hilarious, and his conclusions about the whole affair are (speaking as a straight male) pretty damn interesting.
posted by clockwork at 7:12 PM on March 26, 2004

omg.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
GRANT?
posted by keswick at 7:13 PM on March 26, 2004

How cool is that? I bet if more straight guys gave it a shot, they'd be better people (and maybe better with their lovers, too).
posted by amberglow at 7:14 PM on March 26, 2004

Well, amber, it's one thing to let someone visit the back porch, quite another to be visited by yourself. A unique experience at any rate.

Despite it all, I'll bet the though "Damn, I'm huge," musta run through his mind.
posted by jonmc at 7:23 PM on March 26, 2004

I've been thinking about that, and it would have much more of an eyeopener for an actual guy to have done it, instead of the molded replica, attached to a girl he thinks is hot, and has a sexual history with. I'm glad she had fun tho. And people always say that you can't be a good top until you've bottomed. Now he's bottomed. : >
posted by amberglow at 7:27 PM on March 26, 2004

I'm more of a side-by-side guy myself, so I'll take your word for it.
posted by jonmc at 7:29 PM on March 26, 2004

However, if there were a correlation between Pilates and the ability to blow one's own horn, I'm certain that it would overtake baseball as the No. 1 youth activity in the country. The Dungeons and Dragons franchise would be devastated.

dork #1: What Do You Mean You Cant Dungeon Master Tonight? I Worked 6 Fucking Hours On This Bad Ass Drawing For My New Character ALyuf The White Dwarf!

dork #2: uhmmm.... im going with my older sister to her pilates class...

dork #1: What Are You A Homo?

dork #2: (looking confused) I Dont Know? Does It Count If Your Blowing Yourself?

...

now to do a search on emule for pilates videos...

;O
posted by Dreamghost at 7:46 PM on March 26, 2004

* insert Ron-Jeremy self-fellatio comment here *
posted by matteo at 7:55 PM on March 26, 2004

Excellent post, jon. I like the article because it's funny, laid back (i know, i know) and quite thoughtful. Looking forward to reading the older ones.
posted by anathema at 8:22 PM on March 26, 2004

keswick, why do you seem to disapprove so strongly?
Just noticed the post title. Well done, jon.
posted by anathema at 8:25 PM on March 26, 2004

listen, anyone who knows me, knows that i am truly, deeply in love with myself. but not that much in love with myself.

i never did understand the attraction of anal sex, gay or straight.
posted by keswick at 8:47 PM on March 26, 2004

although, it reminds me of this epic Space Moose. I miss Space Moose
posted by keswick at 8:55 PM on March 26, 2004

i never did understand the attraction of anal sex, gay or straight.

I'm not even sure what category the story fits into. Probably just into the "fucked" category.
posted by anathema at 9:11 PM on March 26, 2004

That was quite amusing, thanks jon. I was expecting him to literally try to fuck himself though. Believe it or not, it is actually possible. I have a couple of short mpegs here of a remarkably flexible guy.
posted by Onanist at 10:26 PM on March 26, 2004

yeah keswick that's the greatest moose strip of them all. it's pure genius. i wish that guy was still kicking out new strips. instead we have lame shit like the internets equivalent to garfield...

diesel sweeties.
posted by Dreamghost at 11:52 PM on March 26, 2004

I admire his frankness. Good post jonmc.
posted by vito90 at 6:09 AM on March 27, 2004

Anathema: your post got me thinking about King Missile's Gay/Not Gay and wondering where this kind of thing falls.

By the way, it is amazing the lyrics to Gay/Not Gay aren't googleable.
posted by bashos_frog at 6:24 AM on March 27, 2004

Great post, jonmc. Though I'm beginning to wonder if showing it to my girl was such a great idea (note to self: hide VISA card and consider a computer 'malfunction' until this blows over).
posted by cedar at 9:11 AM on March 27, 2004

That was excellent. Although really I'm amazed it was such a big deal for him - I would guess that maybe he's got a bigger dick than anyone I've ever slept with, but he also made a big deal out of the finger, which amazed me. Even my first time on the bottom featured no pain, and didn't render me unable to sit afterwards, or anything else.

Also yes, reacharounds are incredibly intense orgasms. I've been rendered literally immobile for minutes at a time.
posted by kavasa at 11:16 AM on March 27, 2004

Please enlighten this ignoramus about what a "reach around" is.
posted by madman at 1:48 PM on March 27, 2004

Urban Dictionary, my friend. Urban Dictionary.
posted by dgaicun at 2:05 PM on March 27, 2004

I don't have a Nerve account, does the Internet Archive or something have Stoddard's "Aneros" escapades and other misadventures preserved for the moochy masses?
posted by dgaicun at 2:08 PM on March 27, 2004

For some reason I keep running over his articles and while there is a moment of cool factor to them, there just seems to be this undertone that frequently it just wasn't worth the trouble. Perhaps I'm just bringing my own experiences as a former try-sexual into the reading.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 5:57 AM on March 28, 2004

I've never found Stoddard's "hapless, clueless Englishman" routine to be all that entertaining, nor do I think he took full advantage of the experiment format of the column. At least he's going out with a bang.

After Nerve scaled back from its early rapid-fire publishing format, the only thing that kept it interesting was Lisa Carver once or twice a week. Now that she's barely writing for them at all, Grant (and the mildly amusing advice column) was holding the whole thing together, and not well.

Now Grant, Nerve's only marginally interesting column, is throwing in the towel. Poor Nerve, it had so much potential!
posted by majick at 6:19 AM on March 29, 2004