GQ's 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time.

February 15, 2005 6:08 AM

GQ's 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time. I know, I know, these "of all time" lists are lame. And thought I'd heard them all, but quite a few were new. And funny. Unlike this description.
posted by zardoz (195 comments total)

Some favorites:

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
posted by zardoz at 6:12 AM on February 15, 2005

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)

I don't get it!
posted by kenaman at 6:23 AM on February 15, 2005

A lot of these are quite good. Thank you.
posted by caddis at 6:31 AM on February 15, 2005

kena, try putting emphasis on the "good," I think. I might be wrong.
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 6:39 AM on February 15, 2005

Doug, still don't get it but thanks.......good link.
posted by kenaman at 6:49 AM on February 15, 2005

It may be that I'm a new parent, and I'm still trying to get a handle on how much I should censor myself, but #21 made me laugh aloud.
posted by Cassford at 6:52 AM on February 15, 2005

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
posted by Simon! at 6:54 AM on February 15, 2005

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So, why the long face?"



Thank you. I'll be here all night...
posted by googly at 6:56 AM on February 15, 2005

I'm disappointed that a lot of these are comedians' one-liners instead of actual jokes. To me a joke is told in the third person and involves an aspect of storytelling. ...But there are some classics in there.
posted by Miko at 6:56 AM on February 15, 2005

They left one out:

There was an english steelworker who had dreamed of being a farmer. So he scrimped and saved for 15 years and then he bought a little sheep farm on a mountain in Wales Brecon Beacons.

He went about farming and discovered that he loved it as much as he thought he would. But he was lonely, so one evening he bicycled 10 miles to the closest pub. It was a rustic little place on a rocky outcropping. The only other customers were two older men in a corner playing dominoes.

"Where are all the women?" the new farmer asked.

"You'll not find any women in these parts, I'm afraid! Not in many years!" replied one of the old men.

"So what do you do for, uh, companionship?"

"When the urge overwhelms you, you just grab a sheep and give it a good shagging! No shame in it-- we all have to do it."

The new farmer said that was disgusting and he would never do it, drained his pint and went home. But a month later, he was in a sheep field and feeling so randy that he couldn't take it any more. He grabbed a sheep, got on his knees and starting humping it. Suddenly, a peal of laughter broke out behind him. He spun his head around and saw the old farmers, who were cutting across his field and were now pointing, laughing and pounding their knees.

"You said that everyone around here shags sheep!" yelled the new farmer as he pulled his pants back up.

"Yeah," replied one of the old men. "But we don't fuck the ugly ones!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:02 AM on February 15, 2005

I thought this one was particularly funny:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

But really? Emo Philips?
posted by pardonyou? at 7:06 AM on February 15, 2005

kenaman, I think the point is that, despite her desire for children, if childbirth is a painful 36-hour experience, as it was for her friend, then the comedienne wouldn't want to do it, since she wouldn't even want to do something that feels good for 36 hours.
posted by bullitt 5 at 7:07 AM on February 15, 2005

GQ should be hiring proofreaders: "They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming." Or maybe there's a new take on the joke in there somewhere.

I think Steven Wright's stuff is genius. Whatever happened to that guy?
posted by spock at 7:12 AM on February 15, 2005

And in the spirit of the Mayor's joke...one of my favorites:

A guy walks into a bar in Scotland and sits down beside an old man. They strike up a conversation and the old man says, "Laddie, do ya see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with me own hands, but do they call me McDonough the wallbuilder? No." The guy nods appreciatively and the old man says, "Do you ya see this bar here? I built this bar with me own hands, but do they call me McDonough the bar builder? No sir." The guy nods again and finally the old man says, "Arrgh...but ya fuck one goat..."
posted by cyclopz at 7:14 AM on February 15, 2005

pardonyou: see also the web services version.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 7:15 AM on February 15, 2005

Scotland and sheep, hm.

Mick J. moved to Scotland, it's true
Liked sheep, so he bought one or two
When his neighbor next door
Hopped the fence, tried to score —
"Hey, McCloud! Get offa my ewe!"
posted by Wolfdog at 7:20 AM on February 15, 2005

If they are going to include classic jokes, then they should have the all time classics, like the parrot in the pants at the theater or the man who asks his friend to look after his cat and his mother -- or even Who's On First. Just referring in printed form to Jack Benny's one liner is a disservice to Benny. It was the pause that made the joke classic, not the words.

And you shouldn't ascribe to Woody Allen what he describes as a classic joke from elsewhere.

Those are my peeves with this. If you go about actually getting published as the greatest ever then you have to do your research a little better.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:21 AM on February 15, 2005

I think the point is that, despite her desire for children, if childbirth is a painful 36-hour experience, as it was for her friend, then the comedienne wouldn't want to do it, since she wouldn't even want to do something that feels good for 36 hours.
Gotcha Bullit cheers.
posted by kenaman at 7:25 AM on February 15, 2005

wow. not one of these made me laugh out loud.
posted by nequalsone at 7:30 AM on February 15, 2005

I don't think Rita Rudner belongs anywhere near a top 100 jokes list. I'd rather go see Yakov Smirnoff!
posted by papakwanz at 7:31 AM on February 15, 2005

I laughed. Thanks for the morning cheer up.
posted by brheavy at 7:31 AM on February 15, 2005

p.s. this is a joke????

In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody
posted by nequalsone at 7:33 AM on February 15, 2005

That list is too PC. Needed more like:

Guy goes into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I need some birth control for my 13 year old daughter."

Doc says, "Your 13 year old daughter is sexually active?"

Guy says, "No. She just lays there like her mother."


And:

Rufus calls up Teefus.
Rufus: "What up Teefus. Why don't ya come o'er here and watch da football game."
Teefus: "I's c'aint, Rufus. I's a-laying linoleum."
Rufus: "She got a sista?"

Or:

Doorbell rings at the whorehouse door. Lady opens the door, and there is a guy laying there with no arms and no legs. Lady says, "Just what do you think that you are going to do here?" Guy smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
posted by dios at 7:37 AM on February 15, 2005

spock: I'm betting that the joke with "warm" in it (#91) was not in the GQ version, as that was only the 75 funniest jokes.

The one problem with this list is that Jack Handey is underrepresented. I will now rectify that with my favorite Deep Thought:

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

BTW, Don Steinberg is kind of a comedic genius. Check out the rest of the Blue Donut site for more of his strange vision, including some stuff that's already been posted here.
posted by soyjoy at 7:37 AM on February 15, 2005

Dude, McDonough is definately an Irish name.

And . . .
A guy is at a bar and looks over and sees the biggest nerd in the bar talking to the most beautiful girl. He thinks "yeah right" and watches amusedly. Suddenly the girl slaps the nerd. The guy turns back to his beer laughing. After a little while he looks back and the girl and the nerd are really chummy and sooner or later they leave the bar together. The guy thinks what the fuck? . . . A few days go by and the guy is at the bar again. The same scenario repeats itself -- with the same nerdy guy, but a different girl (again the hottest in the bar). The man watches everything unfold and like clockwork the girl slaps the nerd. The guy at the bar pays close attention now. The nerd says something, the girl melts and they leave the bar together. Now the guy is really confused. A few more days pass. . .At the bar the guy sees the nerd. Before anything can happen the guy runs up to the nerd and says: I see you in here hooking up with the most beautiful women and, well . . .you have a very unusual method for doing it . . .what's your secret? The nerd says: I really shouldn't tell you, its a family secret. . .but as I'm leaving town tomorrow (etc.) . . .What I do is walk up to the girl and say something extremely offensive like "tickle your pussy with a feather?" and the girl usually freaks out or slaps me. And then I say "whoa whoa whoa, all I said was isn't it nice weather we're having. At which point she feels guilty for having slapped me. I use that guilt to get her in bed with me. The guy replies and that works for you?. . . Yeah, everytime, the nerd replies. Go try it yourself! So the guy walks up to the hottest girl in the bar, taps her on the shoulder and she turns around. He says Rip your cunt out with a meathook? The woman looks astonished and says WHAT did you say??

I said its fucking raining outside!
posted by punkbitch at 7:38 AM on February 15, 2005

nequalsone: that is part of a longer not-particulary-funny joke from Carlin. Carlin has at least a hundred bits that are much, much funnier. However, the list tries to remain relatively PC, so I guess they chose that offering from Carlin. I don't know why. I would have chosen some of his other stuff, for instance.

{the airport} "About this time, someone tells you, 'It's time to get on the plane.' I say, 'Fuck you! I'm getting in the plane. Let Evil Kneivel get on the plane. I'll be in here where there is less wind.'"

Or his view on pro-choice women: "How come the only women that are pro-choice are the women you would never want to fuck in the first place?"

There is much better Carlin then what they picked.
posted by dios at 7:41 AM on February 15, 2005

I didn't see:

Every night since he was 30 years old Izzy has prayed before bed to win the lottery...."Please God, let me win the lottery" he prays. Nothing. Next night, "Please God, let me win the lottery" Still nothing. This goes on and on for years and years and one night, when Izzy is in his 80's..."Please God, let me win the lottery"... God finally says "Izzy, meet me half way, buy a ticket!"

Myron Cohen told that to Johnny Carson about 30 years ago. It's still my favorite.
posted by jasn at 7:41 AM on February 15, 2005

Did you all hear about the pirate movie?

It's rated ARRRR!!!
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:45 AM on February 15, 2005

mmmm.... French Toast bookends....
posted by Robot Johnny at 7:49 AM on February 15, 2005

mildly un-PC joke, but an old favorite:

A young black freshman at Princeton is walking around campus on his first day at school when he spies a distinguished looking white upperclassman.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" he asks.

"My good man," the upperclassman answers, "at Princeton, we do not end our sentences with a preposition. Now, please ask the question correctly."

"Okay. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
posted by jonmc at 7:49 AM on February 15, 2005

Why do you wrap a hamster in electrician's tape?





So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.
posted by fungible at 7:54 AM on February 15, 2005

I love that one, jonmc.

At a Conference on Paranormal Events, the speaker asks the audience: "How many of you believe in ghosts?" Nearly all the hands go up. "How many have actually seen a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "How many of you have talked to a ghost?" Maybe a third of the hands still up now. "And how many have gotten to know a ghost over the course of repeated visits?" At this point there are still about a half-dozen hands. "OK, and has anybody here ever had... sexual relations... with a ghost?" Now only one guy has his hand up.

The speaker says, "Sir, would you be willing to share with us how it happened? I mean, how you came to, you know, have sex with a ghost?"

And the guy says, "Oh, ghost?


I thought you said goat."


Just trying to keep with the theme here...
posted by soyjoy at 7:57 AM on February 15, 2005

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

A personal favorite, good for the whole family, this one is not:

So there's this penguin, and he's driving through the desert when his car starts to knock and hesitate and stall, so he slows down and creeps it along the side of the road till he pulls into this little town and rolls up to the garage just as the car dies. The mechanic walks over and says "Car trouble? I'll take a peek at her, but I got a few things to do first. Say it's pretty hot out, why don't you go over to the cafe and wait there."

So the penguin walks over to the cafe and pulls himself up on the stool at the counter and thinking, "jeez it's hot" he orders himself a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but of course penguins got no thumbs, can't use a spoon, so he just has to kinda slap it into his mouth with his little vestigal wings and, of course, he gets it all over himself. Just as he's finishing up he glances over his shoulder and the mechanic is waving to him from across the street. So he pays up and waddles out and over to the mechanic.

The mechanic looks at him for a second and says "Yeah I see the problem buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin goes "No way man, it's just ice cream."
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:00 AM on February 15, 2005

Old guy gets on a bus and sees this punk kid on the bus. This kid has a mohawk that is spray painted different colors and piercings everywhere. He's got those annoying disc things in his ear lobes and tattoos and all of it. As the old man is staring at this punk kid, the punk kid asks, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old man fires back, "Yeah I did. One time I fucked parrot and I was just trying to figure out if your my child."
posted by dios at 8:01 AM on February 15, 2005

My recent favorite horrible, horrible un-PC joke (I think I saw it on MeFi somewheres?):
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

There's not a whole lot of recent comics representing in the list. Is that because it seems that comics of late have "routines" rather than jokes ? Mitch Hedberg, for example; he has jokes, but they're funny mainly because of his delivery. Brian Regan's "You too" and "Boxen" bits are hilarious, but I don't think they translate to text well.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:02 AM on February 15, 2005

incredibly un-pc joke:

what do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.
posted by jonmc at 8:08 AM on February 15, 2005

and just to rip on my own heritage:

what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.
posted by jonmc at 8:15 AM on February 15, 2005

The Larry Miller one about the carpet salesman cracked me up, not sure why.

Here's one a tad more risque:

Three Catholic boys are arguing about the best way to get to Heaven. First one says, "you have to obey the Ten Commandments." Second one says, "no, no, you have to go to church every Sunday and holy day!" Third one shakes his head and says, "no, you're both wrong! You have to be completely naked and laying on your back!" The other two look at him and wonder where he came up with that. Third one says, "I walked past my parents bedroom last night, and there was my mom, naked, on her back and screaming 'oh God, I'm coming!' If it weren't for my dad laying on top of her and pushing her down, she just might have made it!"
posted by tommasz at 8:17 AM on February 15, 2005

They had some great ones from non-comedians, too. I wish Oscar Wilde's last words we on here, though. "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 8:19 AM on February 15, 2005

pro-life, dios
posted by Debaser626 at 8:22 AM on February 15, 2005

what's blue and doesn't fit anymore

a dead epileptic
posted by dprs75 at 8:23 AM on February 15, 2005

This one was making the rounds a while back:

There's a new car stereo that's voice controlled and so advanced that all you have to do is yell out what you want to hear and it switches stations. A freind of mine got to try it out. As he drove he yelled, "Rock and Roll!" at the dashboard and it began playing a Led Zeppelin song. "Country & Western," he shouted and it played Johnny Cash. Then as he passed a playground some children darted into the street and he had to swerve to avoid running them down. "Fuckin' kids!" he exclaimed. And a Michael Jackson song came on.
posted by jonmc at 8:24 AM on February 15, 2005

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
posted by hydrophonic at 8:33 AM on February 15, 2005

I three legged dog walks into a bar and says:

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:37 AM on February 15, 2005

I = A
posted by Hands of Manos at 8:38 AM on February 15, 2005

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

All these jokes and that's the one that made me spit my diet coke...
posted by damnitkage at 8:39 AM on February 15, 2005

A mathematician, a Scientist and an Engineer are all going to a conference together and, to save money, decide to share a room.

Some time during the middle of the night, a fire breaks out in the room and the Scientist wakes up. He sees the fire, sees the fire extinguisher, puts it out and writes a paper on his discoveries.

Later on in the night another fire breaks out. The Engineer wakes up, sees the fire, sees the paper, computes exactly how much fire retardant to use, multiplies it by a safety factor of five, and puts out the fire.

Yet again later on, another fire breaks out. This time the Mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, sees the paper, says "A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.
posted by vernondalhart at 8:40 AM on February 15, 2005

Ah dios, Rufus and Teefus jokes. Weren't the 1910's grand?

"As Tannen has pointed out, when jokers are challenged,
they have the capacity to retreat into the defensive excuse ‘I was only joking’ (1992: 51). This defence can be used to justify remarks that others might consider racist. Jaret (1999) reports survey evidence from the United States that blacks and whites differ in their evaluation of utterances about race. Whites are more likely to defend remarks as being ‘just a joke’ that blacks will be likely to criticize as racist and, therefore not as something to be found funny."
-- from Billig, "Humour and hatred: the racist jokes of the Ku Klux Klan," Discourse & Society, 2001, 12: 267-289.
posted by Cassford at 8:45 AM on February 15, 2005

I was wondering when a killjoy was gonna show up.
posted by jonmc at 8:50 AM on February 15, 2005

A man tried to sell his dog to a neighbour...

"This is a talking dog," said the man, "and he's yours for only five pounds."

"I don't believe you," said the neighbour, "There's no such thing as a talking dog!"

Just then, the dog looked up dolefully and said: "Please buy me, sir. This man has been cruel to me. He never takes me for a walk, he buys me the cheapest dog food and he makes me sleep in the garage. He doesn't realize what a special dog I am. I swam the Atlantic two years ago, and went to the North Pole before that."

"You're right!" said the neighbour, "This dog can talk. So why are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replied: "Because I'm sick of his lies!"
posted by Mean Mr. Bucket at 8:50 AM on February 15, 2005

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
posted by splice at 8:57 AM on February 15, 2005

It seems irrelevant that the freshman is black...
posted by feloniousmonk at 8:58 AM on February 15, 2005

customer: Excuse me, where's the humor section.

clerk: this is a feminist bookstore! There is no humor section!

It seems irrelevant that the freshman is black...

not if you see the butt of the joke being rich white people's snobbery and cluelessness about black people.
posted by jonmc at 9:00 AM on February 15, 2005

Two vaudeville classics:

A man heads out on vacation and leaves his friend to look after his cat and his elderly mom. The man calls home to check up and asks, "How's my cat?" His friend answers, "It's dead." The man is besides himself in grief and anger. He says, "Don't you have any feelings? Did you have to just blurt it out? You could have said, 'You're cat's on the roof and it won't come down.' Then when I called back tomorrow, you could have told me, 'You're cat is still on the roof, we've tried the fire department and everything but it still won't come down.' Then the next day, you could have told me that it died. His friend apologizes. The man asks, "So how's my mom?" His friend says, "Your mom's on the roof and she won't come down."

I love this joke in spite of the fact I see the punchline coming. The other all time classic (you even hear just the punchline in the movie, "The Sting.")

A guy buys a parrot. Walking home he notices that a movie that he just has to see is playing at the theater. The clerk refuses to sell him a ticket because of the parrot. So the guy walks around the corner and hides the parrot in the crotch of his pants. He returns, buys a ticket, and goes in to see the movie. Because he is worried that the parrot might suffocate he unzips his pants. A couple sits down next to him. The girl says to her boyfriend, "Honey, the guy next to me has his pants unzipped." The boyfriend says, "Ah, come on, you've seen one you've seen them all." The girl says, "Yeah, but this one's eating my popcorn."
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:01 AM on February 15, 2005

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender slaps it down and says "For you, no charge."

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? You can't. A mountain climber is a scaler.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:01 AM on February 15, 2005

Giraffe Elephant sin theta.
posted by flashboy at 9:04 AM on February 15, 2005

My fave, which I did not see in this list. . .I heard it from Reverend Chumleigh. . . .

Why did Jesus REALLY die on the cross?







He forgot his *safe* word.
posted by Danf at 9:08 AM on February 15, 2005

incredibly un-pc joke: what do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it for a drag.

Er... what's un-pc about that? It pisses off PETA or the SPCA?
posted by five fresh fish at 9:09 AM on February 15, 2005

The "blew a seal" joke has a special place in my heart because it was the first joke my husband ever told me. He kept telling me he had a great joke, but he had to tell it to me in bed.

Or his view on pro-choice women: "How come the only women that are pro-choice are the women you would never want to fuck in the first place?"

There is much better Carlin then what they picked.
posted by dios at 10:41 AM EST on February 15

This is a joke that might have worked, say, in the 70's when pro-choice = feminist = no- nonsense, scary ball-buster type of woman. But now it just isn't funny because it makes no sense. Pro-choice = playboy bunny type (easy sex) while pro-life type = middle-aged church going mother of 6.

And why is it I can only ever remember the lamest jokes? Example: "Green side up," a dumb Polak joke from my youth
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:09 AM on February 15, 2005

An old man is telling his teenage grandson about his experiences in WW2.

The old man says, "I was in paratrooper school, and it was our first jump. I got into the airplane -- it was the very first time I'd ever been in an airplane, and it was loud and bumpy and scary, not like the jets you fly on, Billy. So we got up to our jump altitude and the lights came on and the sarge would slap each guy on the back and out they'd jump... GEEEERONIMOOOOO! But when it got to be my turn, I got to the door and I froze. I'd never been up in an airplane and I looked out the door at the little barns way down below and I just couldn't jump. The sarge hit me on the back, and I didn't jump, and he screamed "JUMP, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" but I didn't jump and he shoved me real hard, but I didn't jump. Then he said, "Okay, kid, get outta line and wait," and let everyone else jump out.

And then it was just me and sarge in the cabin of the jump plane. So he says, "Kid, you are gonna jump out of this fuckin' airplane." And I told him I just couldn't do it. So he unzipped his pants and pulled out his pecker, and damn if sarge didn't have one hell of a boner. He said, "Kid, you will jump out of this fuckin' airplane or I will bend you over and fuck you in your ass."

"So, Grandpa, didja jump?"

"A little."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:09 AM on February 15, 2005

Er... what's un-pc about that? It pisses off PETA or the SPCA?

fff, this is mefi, I ain't taking any chances.
posted by jonmc at 9:12 AM on February 15, 2005

not if you see the butt of the joke being rich white people's snobbery and cluelessness about black people.

You make a good point, johnmc. Who are the butt of the other jokes in that set?

The lame white-skinned people who have a problem with poor diction and black male sexual prowess of course!
posted by Cassford at 9:12 AM on February 15, 2005

Rene Descartes was at a restaurant, browsing over the menu. The server asked him "would you care for a drink while you're waiting?" "I think not," he replied, and he disappeared.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:13 AM on February 15, 2005

Oh, and to continue my rant, they don't even have the best version of the mugger joke (#8). It should be:

A guy and his girl are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly turn over their cash. Then the guy turns to his girlfriend and hands her a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says. So the mugger tells the girlfriend, "Loan the guy a hundred."
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:13 AM on February 15, 2005

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere (drum roll) (Clunk)
posted by RecordBrother at 9:16 AM on February 15, 2005

Cassford, I'm of the school of thought that ethnic humor is just fine as long as anyone's fair game and (this is crucial) and it's actually funny. Things can be funny and offensive at the same time. And I think it's better to put all the stereotypes on the table and expose them to the light rather than do the silly dance of suspicion, guilt and false indignance that passes for discourse on race today.

And there's a whole repertoire of Pat & Mike jokes about my people to go with that set. And truckloads of jokes about Italians to go with the other half of my background. And many of them are funny as hell.
posted by jonmc at 9:18 AM on February 15, 2005

A man heads out on vacation and leaves his friend to look after his cat and his elderly mom. The man calls home to check up and asks, "How's my cat?" His friend answers, "It's dead." The man is besides himself in grief and anger. He says, "Don't you have any feelings? Did you have to just blurt it out? You could have said, 'You're cat's on the roof and it won't come down.' Then when I called back tomorrow, you could have told me, 'You're cat is still on the roof, we've tried the fire department and everything but it still won't come down.' Then the next day, you could have told me that it died. His friend apologizes. The man asks, "So how's my mom?" His friend says, "Your mom's on the roof and she won't come down."

Gordon Lish wrote a fantastic novel called Extravaganza , based on extended and warped versions of jokes like this. Appropos of nothing.

I was wondering when a killjoy was gonna show up.

Yeah, now I can't share my wildly hilarious collection of pederasty jokes I culled from Slashdot trolls. here are the punchlines:

-"Presumptious? That's an awfully big word for a ten year old."
-"Hell, I have to walk out of here alone."
-Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
-"It's just not your day is it?" he says, and starts to take off his pants.

Gee, what we've missed because of the PC thugs! Darn it all!
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 9:22 AM on February 15, 2005

How many members of Pearl Jam does it take to change a lightbulb?

FUCK YOU, man, Pearl Jam ain't gonna change for nobody.
posted by COBRA! at 9:22 AM on February 15, 2005

A cop is called to attend to a hideous accident. Upon arriving on the scene, he finds a mangled mercedes, cut in half by the intersecting car. Most of the occupant lawyers auto is missing, as well as all of his left arm. When the cop reaches him, he finds him moaning "My car.... My car... Oh God, my beautiful Car.."

The cop attempts to calm the man down, who is obviously in shock. He says "Sir, there are probably greater things to worry about than your car."

With that, the lawyer glances down to see the bloody stump where his left arm used to be, and starts to scream:

"SHIT, MY ROLEX! MY FUCKING ROLEX!!!"
posted by Thoth at 9:25 AM on February 15, 2005

I gotta know how you could tell Rufus and Teefus were black.
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:25 AM on February 15, 2005

PST, I know the jokes you're talking about. Some of them are hilarious.

COBRA: How do you drown Eddie Vedder?

Put a mirror at the bottom of your swimming pool.

also

What does it say at the bottom of a French swimming pool?

No smoking.
posted by jonmc at 9:25 AM on February 15, 2005

I think Steven Wright's stuff is genius. Whatever happened to that guy?

spock: Genius doesn't begin to describe it. He's still around, still touring. If he comes anywhere near you, run don't walk. I saw him live in Toronto in 2002, and it was probably the hardest I've ever laughed in my entire life. Face covered in tears and snot, sides literally aching. Has to be experienced in person - there's a cumulative effect to his humour that's way more powerful than his individual jokes or five-minute talk-show riffs (good as those are).

Here's another great Wright gag (from memory, hope I get it right):

I went to a job interview, and I opened up a book and started reading. The guy kept asking me questions, I just sat there reading. Finally he said, "Look, do you want to work here or not?" So I said, "Let me ask you a question. If you were in a car, driving at the speed of light, and you turned on the headlights, would anything happen?" The guy said, "I don't know." So I said, "Well, then, I don't want to work here."

And my favourite old-school joke of the moment:

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. And the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
posted by gompa at 9:28 AM on February 15, 2005

Michael Jackson leads a small boy into the woods. The kid gets scared and says "I don't like this, it's dark and cold and I'm scared!".

Michael says "Shut up, I'm the one that has to go back alone!"
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:31 AM on February 15, 2005

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."


This "sorta" happened to me in real life. Dad used to take me to "M" rated movies when I was young. One day we were joking around and I said playfully, "Dad, you old scumbag." He was startled. "Where did you hear that word?" "At the movie, last night." Needless to say I had no idea what it meant.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:31 AM on February 15, 2005

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, but Michael Jackson fucks little boys up the arsehole.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:33 AM on February 15, 2005

A virginal 80 year old woman suddenly develops a horrible itch in her crotch.

She goes to the doctor who tells her she has crabs. She says "that's impossible. I'm an 80 year old virgin."

So she goes to a second doctor who tells her the same thing. And a third.

Finally at a fourth doctor's office she says, "Doc, three other doctors have told me I have crabs, but that's impossible since I'm an 80-year old virgin. Can you help me please?"

He examines her breifly and says, "Lady, you don't have crabs, you have fruit flies. your cherry's gone bad."
posted by jonmc at 9:34 AM on February 15, 2005

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

Because he's black.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:34 AM on February 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

Irish chap gets the boat over and starts looking for work. He knows there's money to be made in construction, so he finds a site, tracks down the foreman and asks him if he has any work going.

The foreman is a bit unsure and asks him if he has any construction experience. "Oh to be sure, aye! Oi've loads an loads of experience on da buildin' sites back home!" Replies the man.

"OK" Says the foreman. "So you won't mind if I ask you to explain the difference between, say, a girder and a joist?"

"Ah" says the navvy, "Dat's a tricky one, hmmm. Girder and a joist you say, a girder, and a joist.....hmmmm"

There's a long pause while the navvy thinks, suddenly he snaps out of it:

"AHA, I got it! Girder wrote Faust and Joist wrote Ulysses!"
posted by fingerbang at 9:51 AM on February 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

Michael Jackson is at the beach. A woman says "Excuse me, you're in my son."
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:53 AM on February 15, 2005

Disclaimer: The following joke is not PC. Don't know whether it's funny or not, since it depends for its humor on a relatively harmless, although negative stereotype. Presented here for what it's worth, and wondering whether a reasonable person must refuse to find humor due to the stereotype (and, if so, whether one should feel embarassed if it elicits an involuntary chuckle)

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that has bothered me all of my days on earth. Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That is a question that only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please, I must know, am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more. St. Peter asked, "Well, did God straighten out your question for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "Well, no sir - not exactly. God simply said, '...you are what you are.'"

St.Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it - you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, `You is what you is'."
posted by pardonyou? at 9:59 AM on February 15, 2005

PST, I know the jokes you're talking about. Some of them are hilarious.

Different strokes I guess. I found them kind of sadistic.

Anyway, what the difference between me and shit?

Shit comes out of your mother's ass.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:00 AM on February 15, 2005

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?





A: A BRICK!
posted by Specklet at 10:04 AM on February 15, 2005

*restrains self from posting the aristocrats joke*
posted by driveler at 10:14 AM on February 15, 2005

What did the elephant say when he was pulled out of quicksand by the balls?

"Thank you, Mr. & Mrs. Ball!"



That, and the one with the snail, continue to crack me up.
posted by RakDaddy at 10:16 AM on February 15, 2005

I had a pet lizard. I called him Tiny. I called him Tiny because he was my newt.
posted by TheDonF at 10:19 AM on February 15, 2005

A bum is sitting on a sidewalk in the theater district and he sees a wealthy looking couple walk by.

"Spare some change, mister?" the bum asks.

" 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be' - William Shakespeare," says the man.

The bum thinks for a moment then says " 'Go fuck yourself' -David Mamet."
posted by jonmc at 10:20 AM on February 15, 2005

What's with all the french toast?
posted by taursir at 10:24 AM on February 15, 2005

Oh, and B3ta's sick joke listing (very NSFW and many are offensive)
posted by TheDonF at 10:24 AM on February 15, 2005

I don't think, at this point, anyone should care about PC-ness anymore.

Little girl goes up to her father. "Daddy, I wanna go to the circus." Father refuses, girl begs. "Okay, you wanna go to the circus? Suck my dick." Girl says "No way, that's disgusting." Dad says "Well, no blowjob, no circus." Girl finally caves, gives father blowjob. Halfway through, the girl turns to dad, says "Jesus, Dad, your dick tastes like shit." Dad says "Yeah, I know. Your brother wanted to go to the circus too."
posted by fungible at 10:29 AM on February 15, 2005

A thousand pretty good jokes. Many much funnier than the ones here...
posted by X4ster at 10:33 AM on February 15, 2005

A little girl is sitting on her front porch when a little boy happens by. The little boy pulls down his pants and starts waving his pecker around, yelling "Haha! I have one of these and you don't"

The little runs inside crying and tells her father what happened. Dad responds by whispering something in her ear.

When she goes back outside, the little boy is still wagging his pecker, yelling "Haha! I have one of these and you don't."

To which the little girl hikes up her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, "Big Deal! Daddy says with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
posted by jonmc at 10:39 AM on February 15, 2005

Wow, that one is incredibly lame.

Well it is.
posted by soyjoy at 10:45 AM on February 15, 2005

Obscure humor;
In the 1890's a gentleman who couldn't decide whether to visit his mistress or his phrenologist first could just flip a coin.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

What's the difference between a truck driver and a hydrologist? One has mud flaps, the other has flood maps.
posted by X4ster at 10:49 AM on February 15, 2005

sonofsamiam, Rufus jokes have a long history. I know it the same way I know that jokes about Paddy are about Irish. You're being either disingenuous or you have happily not been exposed to racist humor.

johnmc, ethnic humor is not the same thing as racial humor. I know that seem likes a semantic issue, but it really isn't. People with dark skin and certain hair and facial features are identified in our culture as "black" no matter what their ethnic heritage. While many ethnicities are the butt of many jokes, they were not subject to the treatment that "black" people have been (save the "no Irish need apply" mythology, please).
"Black" people continue to be discriminated against. There are hardly any first-generation 100% Irish, Polish, or Italians in the US today. I have Irish ancestors, but when someone tells an Irish joke, I hardly identify it as speaking about me. No matter what generation you are as a 'black" person in this country, you are "black."

I agree that "Things can be funny and offensive at the same time." I just draw the line in a different spot. You said that the your joke about the dog was "incredibly un-pc" the joke of the black kid was "mildly un-pc." What can I say? I'm from a different school of thought I guess.
posted by Cassford at 10:52 AM on February 15, 2005

It's probably been linked here before, but the old Brunching Shuttlecocks Random Bar Joke Generator still makes me laugh. It just generated this bit of nonsense:

This midget walks into a bar. A Irishman tosses back a Martini and says "I'd hold this pencil between your ass cheeks to get a drink." The midget says "I'm not a midget, I'm a kangaroo!" The bartender says "Look, you seem like a nice midget. Give me ten bucks and I'll make it worth your while."

The midget takes a deep breath and yells "You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."



Plenty more where that came from here!
posted by schmedeman at 10:53 AM on February 15, 2005

How many times does a fireman laugh at a joke?

Three times; first when he hears it, then again when he retells it to his friends and then once more when he finally gets it.
posted by X4ster at 10:54 AM on February 15, 2005

One that's missing is the one I ran home to tell my Mom early in the 1st grade

What's the difference between Marilyn Monroe and a rooster?

The rooster goes 'cock a doodle do' and Marilyn Monroe goes 'any cock will do.'

Mom was not amused for some reason.
posted by mss at 10:55 AM on February 15, 2005

What do you call a (fill in ethnicity) that marries a (fill in ethnicity)?
posted by X4ster at 10:59 AM on February 15, 2005

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 11:00 AM on February 15, 2005

I'm from a different school of thought I guess.

Pin a rose on you. I happen to think that treating black people like fragile Faberge eggs is a form of prejudice in and of itself, sort of like making them feel like handicapped people who need to be treated as "special." As far as I'm concerned, that method of thinking has more to with white people's desire to feel like morally superior saviors than any actual desire to help or protect minorities, AKA the Big White Bwana Syndrome.

Also, to "debunk" the history of Irish oppression, you submit an essay that mentions that "The use of systematic violence to achieve Irish communal goals might be considered a "premodern" trait." Using stereotypes to counter the existence of prejudice is an odd gambit.

I have Irish ancestors, but when someone tells an Irish joke, I hardly identify it as speaking about me....There are hardly any first-generation 100% Irish, Polish, or Italians in the US today.

First generation, Italian-American at your service. Pleased to meet you. And some of the stereotypes at work in ethic humor (the Irish are drunks, the Italians are greasy gangsters who speak in broken English) are caricatures of people who could be relatives of mine. But I grasp that there is "joke world," and there is "real world."

And in the particular joke I told (not the list of jokes you linked to), it's quite obvious that the white upperclassman is the butt of the joke.
posted by jonmc at 11:14 AM on February 15, 2005

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything"

----------------------

Man 1: "The other day I was crossing the street when a speeding car skidded and Uhhhhhhh I shit my pants, it came so close."

Man 2: "Well intense fear is a normal reaction in that situation, don't you think?"

Man 1: "No, no you don't understand. Just now? when I went "uhhhhhh", I shit my pants."
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:18 AM on February 15, 2005

..and calling the dog joke "incredibly un-pc" was a riff on mefi, where the animal rights threads elicit the loudest howls of indignation of anything.

cassford, anyone who liked All Souls is probably a smart and decent guy, but if you're trying to imply that I'm some kind of bigot (or simply more bigoted than anyone else of any race, since my belief is that nobody's 100% innocent of prejudice) then you're barking up the wrong tree.
posted by jonmc at 11:34 AM on February 15, 2005

What's brown and sits in the woods?

Winnie's Pooh.
posted by brheavy at 11:46 AM on February 15, 2005

fungible is getting his jokes from the "worst jokes of all time" list. No more, please. Thanks. Seriously.
posted by wsg at 11:47 AM on February 15, 2005

You're being either disingenuous or you have happily not been exposed to racist humor.

Well, I've heard plenty of off-color cracks about color, so maybe these Rufus jokes are a regional thing. Looks like most of the Rufies Google turns up are white guys, incidentally. (Most of the Paddys, too.)
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:38 PM on February 15, 2005

How we could have all these jokes without

It was a normal day in Metropolis, Superman was out flying around, horny as always. Just then he flies past an open window, and sees Wonder Woman inside on her bed, buck naked with her legs spread wide open.

Superman, being faster than a speeding bullet, thinks to himself "Ya know, I could zip in there, have my way with her and zip out before she realizes what happened."

Sure enough, in through the window, bam bam bam, zip on out through the window.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man responds, "I dunno, but my ass sure is sore."

is beyond me.
posted by lirio at 1:39 PM on February 15, 2005

What do you call a (fill in ethnicity) that marries a (fill in ethnicity)?

The answer is of course - a social climber; no matter which group or ethnicity you use in either space
posted by X4ster at 1:42 PM on February 15, 2005

I win! Thanks wsg!
posted by fungible at 1:43 PM on February 15, 2005

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)

I don't get it!
posted by kenaman at 6:23 AM PST on February 15

I guess it's all in the delivery. *rimshot*

----------

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything"
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:18 AM PST on February 15

Then he asks for his change, and the vendor says "Sorry, but no - change comes from within."

----------

What's the difference between Prince Charles and a tennis ball? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

-----------

So I went to Ireland, and my car broke down. Luckily, a farm was nearby who invited me in for dinner while I waited for a mechanic. Walking around the premises, I saw this pig with only three legs. Surprised, I asked him, "Excuse me, why does your pig only have three legs?"

And the farmer said, "Oh, well see, this pig here's name is Paddy, and lemme tell you a story about him. One day, I was out on my tractor when something went wrong and the tractor accidentally got turned over. I was going to be crushed and would have died, 'cept Paddy here ran over and dragged me out. He saved my life that day he did."

And I said, "WOW! That's amazing! So he lost a leg while rescuing you?"

And the farmer said, "No, but lemme tell you a story. My son was fishing in the pond when all of a sudden, he fell right in. And somehow, his foot got trapped in a reed in the pond. He would've drowned to death if Paddy hadn't ran outside, untangled him, dragged him out from the pond, and applied snout-to-mouth resuscitation. He saved his life that day he did."

And I said, "Incredible! So that's why he has only three legs?"

And the farmer said, "No. But lemme tell you a story. My daughter was getting water from the well. All of a sudden, she fell right in! And she screamed and screamed, but no one could hear her! She would've died, 'cept Paddy here ran outside and rescued her. He saved her life that day he did."

"Unbelievable! But why does he only have three legs?!"

And the farmer said, "Well, you wouldn't eat a pig that special in one go, now would you."
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 1:46 PM on February 15, 2005

It's the Arab-Israeli war in 1973. There's this huge tank battle in the Sinai. Mortar fire, jets screaming overhead, the whole works.

Egyptian tank rams an Israeli tank. Egyptian soldier pops the hatch off his tank, waves a white flag and shouts "I Surrendah! I Surrendah!"

Hatch on the Israeli tank pops open. Israeli soldier jumps up holding his neck and shouting "Whiplash! Whiplash!"
posted by gimonca at 1:47 PM on February 15, 2005

What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?


Hey, I can see my house from here!
posted by hellbient at 1:54 PM on February 15, 2005

Huh. I've never heard jonmc's "black freshman" joke in that form before, but this, from a Virginian friend, does a twist for regional relevance:

A Yankee girl went to visit Richmond. At a fancy debutante ball, she struck up conversation with a local girl.
"Where're you from?" asked the belle.
"I," said the Yank, "am from where we don't end sentences in prepositions."
"Ah, alright then. Where're you from, bitch?"

And this still makes me giggle:
What's yellow, smooth, and deadly?
Shark-infested custard.
(For maximum effect, tell while drunk: "Okay guys this is my favorite joke ever. Ready? What's yellow smooth and custard?" Confusion...)
posted by hippugeek at 1:57 PM on February 15, 2005

Man 1: "The other day I was crossing the street when a speeding car skidded and Uhhhhhhh I shit my pants, it came so close."

Man 2: "Well intense fear is a normal reaction in that situation, don't you think?"

Man 1: "No, no you don't understand. Just now? when I went "uhhhhhh", I shit my pants."

That's so terrible it made me laugh, in the same way this did from 'Raising Arizona':

Glen: How many Pollacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I.: I don't know, Glen. One?
Glen: Nope, it takes three.
[Glen laughs. H.I. doesn't]
Glen: Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Pollacks to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I.: I don't know, Glen.
Glen: 'Cause they're so goddamn stupid!

posted by mazola at 2:04 PM on February 15, 2005

Giraffe Elephant sin theta.
Reminds me of my all-time favorite:

A constant function and e^x are walking down the street. Suddenly the constant function starts running. "Come on, we have to get away from here!" "What's the matter?" asks e^x. "Look! There's a differential operator over there! He's been harassing me for weeks. If he operates on me, I'm a goner!" "Relax," says e^x, "I'll take care of this." So e^x walks up to the differential operator and goes: "Hey buster, I want you to leave my friend alone". "And just who do you think you are?", asks the operator. "I'm e^x". "I see", grins the operator. "I'm d/dy".
posted by Deepspace at 2:04 PM on February 15, 2005

Better said than read, but here goes...
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: Elliphino!

I have the sense of humor of a 5-year-old. And he doesn't miss it at all...
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:16 PM on February 15, 2005

Ugh, math jokes!
Friendship annulled!
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 2:17 PM on February 15, 2005

Goodnews, you are going to hell for that delivery joke.
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 2:20 PM on February 15, 2005

jonmc, the link was to just pre-empt the oft-repeated canard about "No Irish Need Apply." Basically, I didn't want to hear about how the Irish had trouble in the US that was equivalent to slavery and Jim Crow. We both know that is b.s..

Anyway, you've set up a false dichotomy. Is the choice between making jokes that stereotype "black" people and treating people of darker skin tones "like fragile Faberge eggs" or "handicapped people?" There seems to be a lot of choices in between.

Do I think you are a bigot? Hell, no. I don't even know you. I do think telling jokes that trade in racial stereotypes is just gratuitous and mean-spirited. Your joke? Eeh, it didn't need to involve color, but it wasn't particularly offensive. In fact, I've heard it before and student wasn't "black."

The Rufus joke started this whole urine-distance competition. I thought it was over the line and said so. You defended it. I disagree. I don't think you're a bigot. Just wrong about racial stereotyping in "humor."

There is a the germ of a conversation about the difference between "race" and "ethnicity" here, but I've already made a thread about humor terribly unfunny so... I guess my work is done here!
posted by Cassford at 2:27 PM on February 15, 2005

Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Langon can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he
can go to see it.

A month later, Langon puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in ever orifice, and most of the men.

Langon is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turns to Langon and whispers back, "I understand, we're here to see our dog."
posted by r3rrr at 2:39 PM on February 15, 2005

has anyone every tried to write a joke? I have, and I found it really difficult. Perhaps an extended stay in prison would help, but i generally leave it to the pros.
If so I'd love to hear them...I think.
posted by hellbient at 2:43 PM on February 15, 2005

Q: How many indie-rockers does it take to screw in a lightblub?

A: *Sigh* You, like, don't already know?


Q: How many gutter-punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Gutter-punks don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in their own vomit.

Or, a yo-mama joke (I love these):

Your mama was so poor, she thought bling-bling was a panda.
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:47 PM on February 15, 2005

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

- - - - - -

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds," The bartender is concerned: "What the hell happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
posted by madamjujujive at 2:48 PM on February 15, 2005

Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I
don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff..."
posted by r3rrr at 3:02 PM on February 15, 2005

How do you know it's midnight at Michael Jackson's ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand.
posted by bonaldi at 3:20 PM on February 15, 2005

hellbient: I tried to make up a dead baby joke, but nobody ever likes it:

Q:What's the difference between a dead baby and a brick?
A:I've never had to scrape brick out of my boot treads.

See, I suck.
posted by sonofsamiam at 3:25 PM on February 15, 2005

DERE VERE ZWEI PEANUTS, VALKING DOWN DE STRASSE.

UND VUN OF ZEM... VAS ASSAULTED!

peanut.

rot13d for your protection:

Jraa vfg qnf Ahafgehpx tvg haq Fybgrezrlre?
Wn! ... Orvureuhaq qnf Bqre qvr Syvccrejnyqg trefchg!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:29 PM on February 15, 2005

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.
posted by chasing at 3:29 PM on February 15, 2005

First, a joke:

Q: How many freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to put in the light bulb, and one to hold my penis--er, my mother--I mean THE LADDER!

- - - - -

Second, a story and a challenge!

At ImprovOlympic in Chicago, there was a long-standing tradition one night each week (after the shows) called "One Thousand and One". You started with a room full of drunk improvisers, and an MC who would announce a theme. The drunk improvisers then swarmed the stage to tell their best off-the-cuff "One thousand and one [THEME]s walked into a bar" joke. Good jokes got applause, but if you told a bad joke, you had to do The Monkey Dance.

In that spirit, allow me to suggest an easy theme: "vegetables".

Go.
posted by davejay at 3:38 PM on February 15, 2005

One thousand and one carrots walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and says, "that's a lot of carrots!"



/me does Monkey Dance without even being told
posted by tommasz at 3:47 PM on February 15, 2005

A constant function and e^x are walking down the street. Suddenly the constant function starts running. "Come on, we have to get away from here!" "What's the matter?" asks e^x. "Look! There's a differential operator over there! He's been harassing me for weeks. If he operates on me, I'm a goner!" "Relax," says e^x, "I'll take care of this." So e^x walks up to the differential operator and goes: "Hey buster, I want you to leave my friend alone". "And just who do you think you are?", asks the operator. "I'm e^x". "I see", grins the operator. "I'm d/dy".

Shouldn't that be d/dy?

/Pedantic
posted by kickingtheground at 3:55 PM on February 15, 2005

Damnit, I meant d/dy (as in a partial derivative).

(Worked on preview, anyway).
posted by kickingtheground at 3:56 PM on February 15, 2005

"I'm e^x". "I see", grins the operator. "I'm d/dy"

Is this something I would find funnier if it took me less than 3 tries to pass calculus?
posted by contessa at 3:59 PM on February 15, 2005

I doubt it would be funny in any circumstance.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:16 PM on February 15, 2005

My vegetable attempt:

A man walks into his kitchen and sees his wife standing at the cutting board crying.

"Onions?" he asked.

She nods her head.

"Heh. Slicing onions always makes my eyes water, too." he says

"It's not that," she tearfully replies, "I tripped over a sack of them and crushed the baby."
posted by ColdChef at 4:23 PM on February 15, 2005

Whats grey and comes in quarts?

An elephant.
posted by ozomatli at 4:40 PM on February 15, 2005 [1 favorite]

ColdChef, that one made me laugh aloud.
posted by Specklet at 4:43 PM on February 15, 2005

Yeah, maths jokes are painful - what's round, purple and commutes? An abelian grape. Ho ho..

Still, we all know what the funniest joke in the world is. Apologies to all the Germans out there:
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput

I'm mean, unlike ROU ^_^
posted by Mossy at 4:45 PM on February 15, 2005

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 11:00 AM PST on February 15

Fuzzy Monster, we must truly be kin. That is one of my favorite jokes ever.

Read this one out loud for the best effect:
So a Polar Bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Bartender, give me a ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... beer."
The bartender says, "ok, but why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies, waving "Oh, I was just born that way."
posted by tinamonster at 4:47 PM on February 15, 2005

Intriguing: http://www.laughlab.co.uk/

Revealing(?): http://www.laughlab.co.uk/topByCountry.html
posted by Mossy at 4:49 PM on February 15, 2005

A thousand and one vegetables walk into a bar.

Bartender sighs and says, "I guess that means we have to watch the Yankees game."
posted by FYKshun at 4:49 PM on February 15, 2005

ok, the most memorable one I've heard was this:

Q: Why are elephants big. grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirin.

Told ad infinitum by a 8 year old.
posted by drinkmaildave at 4:56 PM on February 15, 2005

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.
posted by emelenjr at 5:02 PM on February 15, 2005

"Is it a black man's cock?"
/meta-joke
posted by Espoo2 at 5:11 PM on February 15, 2005

Speaking of Irish jokes, here's a short one:

An Irishman walks out of a bar.
posted by notmydesk at 5:27 PM on February 15, 2005

Heh. Contessa sucks at math. Women.

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't, they're all thinking about my giant wanger.

Me and my giant wanger rule so hard. I was single all through high school. I wonder why, when I'm so rad?
posted by saysthis at 5:34 PM on February 15, 2005

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel shoved down his pants and says, "Aaarrrr, matey, a pint o' beer, if you will!"

Bartender looks at him and says, "Say, you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

Pirate says, "Aye, I know, it's driving me nuts!"
posted by zardoz at 6:02 PM on February 15, 2005

Q: What does a mathematician do when he gets constipated?

A: Work it out with pencil and paper.
posted by hydrophonic at 6:20 PM on February 15, 2005

Hellbient, here's the most elaborate joke I ever wrote:

A German theoretical physicists walks into a bar and ask for a beer. Bartender shakes his head, says, "we don't serve your kind here." The physicist throws his hands up, incredulous, and says, "aw, c'mon. Ein stein?"
posted by cortex at 6:48 PM on February 15, 2005

I can't believe this longish joke hasn't been mentioned:

In a small town, the bell ringer for the church decides he's had his fill and wants to retire, so puts an ad in the paper for applicants.

The next day, a man without arms shows up. The bell ringer is a little skeptical as to the man's ability, but the applicant offers a deminstration.

At the top of the tower, the man charges at the bell, jumping at the last second and hitting it with his face. The bell lets out a loud ring and the applicant gets the job.

A week later, the new ringer misses the bell and falls over the side to his death. Everyone in the church crowds around the body and the former bell ringer is called over to identify the body.

Upon inspecting the victim, he says, "I don't know his name, but the face sure does ring a bell."

********** rimshot here *************

After the first bell-ringer died, the position opened again. After about a week, another armless man applied for the position.

"That's really unusual," said the retired bell-ringer, "the last person who held this position had no arms either." "I know," said the second man sadly. "He was my brother."

The first man expressed his regrets and then the armless man demonstrated his bell-ringing talents just like his brother had: he got a running start in the tower and ran up to the bell and smacked it with his face. "You're hired!" said the old bell-ringer.

A week later the old man heard that the brother had died the same way--by misjudging his jump and falling out of the tower. When asked to identify the body, he said, "I don't know who he is, but he sure is a dead ringer for his brother."
posted by John Smallberries at 6:51 PM on February 15, 2005

Q What do you call a fly with no wings?
A A walk.

Ba-dum-bum. Thank you! Try the veal.

Un-PC joke:
Q How did Hitler tie his shoes?
A In little Nazis.

Crash! Oh, dios mio! I just keedding!

Obligatory dirty joke:
Q Why can't you masturbate with these two fingers?
   (Holds up index and third fingers)
A Because they're mine!

Rimshot! Thank you! Tip your waitress! Have a safe drive home!
posted by miss lynnster at 7:07 PM on February 15, 2005

I just thought of this one... (probably someone else has before, but here goes:)

An Irishman walked into the ER with a bloody handkerchief over his face. "I broke my nose!" he told the nurse.

"So how did this happen?"

"Well, I walked into a bar."

Long uncomfortable silence.

"So then what happened?"

"I came right here. The bar was about this high."
posted by wendell at 7:12 PM on February 15, 2005

Why couldn't the lonely Trigonometry teacher get a loan?

He didn't have anybody to cosine for him.
posted by wendell at 7:15 PM on February 15, 2005

Why do I always get the timeslot after everybody goes home?
posted by wendell at 7:20 PM on February 15, 2005

Hey, I was such a big hit doing my standup act at the Aquarium, I was held under an extra week.
posted by wendell at 7:23 PM on February 15, 2005

How many MetaFilterites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

As many as will fit inside the lightbulb.
posted by wendell at 7:28 PM on February 15, 2005

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

Yes.

How did you get his little knees apart?
posted by joaquim at 7:38 PM on February 15, 2005