Snap into a Slim Jim.

February 18, 2005 6:52 PM

Sex is for fags.
posted by angry modem (50 comments total)

But I think my parents might have had sex. (I'm pretty sure they're straight)
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 7:01 PM on February 18, 2005

It's so true.

*slinks off to be lame and queer, cackling gleefully*
posted by stonerose at 7:01 PM on February 18, 2005

Iron hymen. The companion site.
posted by blacklite at 7:01 PM on February 18, 2005

"I gave my word to stop at third."
posted by eriko at 7:03 PM on February 18, 2005

Oh lord. I think I have testicle weevils.
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 7:03 PM on February 18, 2005

hysterical! : >

the White House Office of Youth Purity
posted by amberglow at 7:05 PM on February 18, 2005

This stuff is really helping to narrow the str* guy feild. Thanx fundy lunatix!
posted by jonmc at 7:05 PM on February 18, 2005

Hmm. When sex is only for fags, all those who have sex will become fags.

Excellent. My plan has finally come to fruit-ition.
posted by stonerose at 7:08 PM on February 18, 2005

Isn't Iron Hymen the name of some crappy heavy metal band?
posted by AlexReynolds at 7:14 PM on February 18, 2005

Hey — that's Irön Hÿmen to you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:16 PM on February 18, 2005

Actually, that was the original name for Judas Preist, alex.

I guess the message of this is that anyone who still embraces sex is a fag of some sort. In that case, this str8 boy is happy to say I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!

HAHAHA!
posted by jonmc at 7:17 PM on February 18, 2005

Hey — that's Irön Hÿmen to you.

My hümblë äpölögïës.
posted by AlexReynolds at 7:20 PM on February 18, 2005

It's ÖK. We Ünderstand, dÜde.
posted by jonmc at 7:24 PM on February 18, 2005

When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.
posted by mervin_shnegwood at 7:24 PM on February 18, 2005

hehehe

"Take it from me, girls – there's no good reason to rush into S-E-X. That's why I hope these scientific facts help you choose abstinence, so you need never know the heartbreak of being trapped in a loveless marriage just because you drank too many margaritas one night and gave up your honey pot to a pushy young cokehead from a so-called 'good family.'"

--laura bush.

Awsome.
posted by delmoi at 7:25 PM on February 18, 2005

And believe it or not, alex, some of us in the Headbanger Nation can embrace our queer brethren. Rob Halford's coming out has not affected his royalty status in our community one iota. And those of us with abrain realize that the Brit Glam Rock from which we draw our roots was the best fusion of gay and straight sensibilities ever. What other movement could gather fey theatrical bois like Jobriath and yobbos like Slade & Sweet under the same umbrella?

*cranks "Teenage Rampage"*
posted by jonmc at 7:30 PM on February 18, 2005

The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs.

Now that's just a lie.
posted by AlexReynolds at 7:31 PM on February 18, 2005

Now that's just a lie.

Would you settle for "Tastes great, less filling?"
posted by stonerose at 7:33 PM on February 18, 2005

And believe it or not, alex, some of us in the Headbanger Nation can embrace our queer brethren.

I was just having a little fun. No offense meant with the Iron Hymen stuff. Besides, I've always had a little crush on Henry Rollins.
posted by AlexReynolds at 7:34 PM on February 18, 2005

Would you settle for "Tastes great, less filling?"

I'd need to do more scientific research, first.
posted by AlexReynolds at 7:35 PM on February 18, 2005

Ach, Henry's a bit of a twit. I happen to know from inside dope that one of the founding members of one of the most revered metal bands is queer as a three dollar bill. And I'm not talking about Rob Halford.

And for the best illustration of the queer sensibility leaking into metal, obtain a copy of Faster Pussycat's cover of "You're So Vain."
posted by jonmc at 7:38 PM on February 18, 2005

I'm a fag, I swear.
posted by OmieWise at 7:38 PM on February 18, 2005

Just to explicate what I mean about hard rock (at it's best) being a great melding of gay & straight sensibilites: I remember an interview with Freddie Mercury where he said that his two biggest influences were Liza Minelli and Jimi Hendrix. Now, I'm not much on Liza, but I'm willing to bet that me and Freddie were feeling the same shit coming of Jimi, and in that we're no longer straight guy and gay guy but two rock and roll crazed kids. And that's a beautiful thing.
posted by jonmc at 7:42 PM on February 18, 2005

Ach, Henry's a bit of a twit.

I saw him peel open and eat a banana at the end of an SNL episode, years ago. I've been in love ever since.

I happen to know from inside dope that one of the founding members of one of the most revered metal bands is queer as a three dollar bill.

It's not Glenn Danzig, is it?
posted by AlexReynolds at 7:42 PM on February 18, 2005

I love my Black Flag records but there was a parody of his PowerBook ads in a zine that said "What's on Henry Rollins PowerBook? A List of people I'm cooler than," and that sort of aummed up what he's become.


It's not Glenn Danzig, is it?

I won't name names, but call doctor love and he'll have the answers you need....
posted by jonmc at 7:47 PM on February 18, 2005

God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions

My god, talk about nailing something. This is pitch-perfect.
posted by mediareport at 7:48 PM on February 18, 2005

you also may enjoy this old thread.

One of the things that cemented my respect for Rob Halford is that even after coming out, he still held his unironic devotion to the music that made him famous. This does the world the service of illustrating that queerness and badass metal machismo are not irreconcilable.
posted by jonmc at 7:51 PM on February 18, 2005

You know what IS worth it? Making love to Jesus. Because you can't knock Him up and He'll never ask what you're thinking – cuz He already knows!

Oh come on, everyone knows that when talking about se><0ring the l0rd, the human man is the woman and god is the man. There are centuries of tradition supporting this. It's even the case for trinity-on-preacher gangbangs.
posted by kenko at 7:53 PM on February 18, 2005

Thanks for the link, jon. I grew up on campy, Roth-era VH music videos and cheesy, "crate-of-spray-in-the-dressing-room" hair bands, lots of fun childhood memories.
posted by AlexReynolds at 8:01 PM on February 18, 2005

Thanks for the link, jon. I grew up on campy, Roth-era VH music videos and cheesy, "crate-of-spray-in-the-dressing-room" hair bands, lots of fun childhood memories.

Well, Diamond Dave is kind of the Rosetta Stone on the queer/headbanger connection. I remember that post-high school several guys in our headbanger/burnout circl came out. Some guys in our crew could handle it, some couldn't. But it's worth noting that non of the guys who came out renounced their hescher roots, and I'm not talking about camp irony either.
posted by jonmc at 8:04 PM on February 18, 2005

Pardon any typos, I start a 9 day vacation and I got a retroactive raise today, so I'm drubk.
posted by jonmc at 8:05 PM on February 18, 2005

Oh no. jonmc is drunk and talking about music.

Congrats on your raise.
posted by Arch Stanton at 8:21 PM on February 18, 2005

This would be 10x funnier if it were 2x more subtle.
posted by scarabic at 9:26 PM on February 18, 2005

Technical Virgin.
posted by dhartung at 9:39 PM on February 18, 2005

On an unrelated note, I've spent this evening drunk watching public access film versions of these. Sorry, I have no friends and felt the need to share this with someone.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:41 PM on February 18, 2005

But, on topic, I want to make a shirt that says "Gender roles are for fags."
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:44 PM on February 18, 2005

4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

Älbïnö Pënïsës — now that's a name for a band.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 10:02 PM on February 18, 2005

>>It's not Glenn Danzig, is it?
>>posted by AlexReynolds at 7:42 PM PST on February 18

I don't think Danzig's gay, but he sure goes down fast. I can't seem to find a live link to the video. Very amusing. Unless you're Danzig.

jonmc: You mean one of these guys?

posted by login at 10:22 PM on February 18, 2005

login might you mean Paul Stanley. I'll tell you my gaydar pinged like mad when I met him. Course it could have needed calibrating as I didn't talk to him long enough to be sure.
posted by filchyboy at 10:55 PM on February 18, 2005

If it were overly subtle then too many people would take it as serious and the outrage would be bad fun.

Its over the top funny and that's fine.
posted by fenriq at 11:21 PM on February 18, 2005

Paul is who I would assume to be the gay Kisser, but Gene Simmons was Dr. Love...but he's a lesbian. Does that count?
posted by hellbient at 11:30 PM on February 18, 2005

[M]ight you mean Paul Stanley. I'll tell you my gaydar pinged like mad when I met him.

I think we have a winner.
posted by AlexReynolds at 12:58 AM on February 19, 2005

do i dare wear the tshirt to work?
posted by sexyrobot at 1:29 AM on February 19, 2005

I was wondering what the chickenhead guy had been up to. I'm glad to see that he hasn't lost his touch.
posted by thecaddy at 2:55 AM on February 19, 2005

This does the world the service of illustrating that queerness and badass metal machismo are not irreconcilable.
posted by jonmc at 7:51 PM PST on February 18

Or even particularly different, really. Aren't we talking two sides of the same coin?

Like Richey Manic said (okay, he wore the T shirt): All rock and roll is homosexual.
posted by jokeefe at 11:13 AM on February 19, 2005

I've long maintained you don't have to be queer to be a fag, and you certainly don't have to be a fag to be queer. I'm not sure where I was going with this, but it started well, at least from where I'm sitting.

Henry Rollins: I saw him and his band at the HFStival lo these many years ago, and found him and his music intensely, grindingly tedious. OTOH, I loved him on Full Metal Challenge. His persona was perfect for that show.

Obligatory on-topic comment: the site and its message are funny funny; I just hope it doesn't get sidetracked and derailed by some humorless drone who will doubtless denounce it for being anti-gay, which would be so missing the point. Oh well.
posted by kcds at 4:16 PM on February 19, 2005

When your satire is just as bigotted as what you're satirizing, you're just another one.
posted by HTuttle at 12:11 PM on February 20, 2005

Paul is gay. Paul is gay.
posted by angry modem at 12:31 PM on February 20, 2005

girls are for poofs.
posted by soi-disant at 3:22 PM on February 20, 2005

Actual fundies are so, so much funnier.
posted by kavasa at 6:49 PM on February 20, 2005