Keep your hands where I can see 'em, limpy.

March 6, 2005 10:47 PM

Keep your hands where I can see them. - Can't say Mom didn't warn you. Side effects include: fatigue, stress, thinning hair, eye floaters or fuzzy vision, and tail bone cramps. [via Monkeyfilter]
posted by AlexReynolds (29 comments total)

I'd tell you more about what I think, but the hair on my palms keeps getting caught in my keyboard.
posted by OhPuhLeez at 11:00 PM on March 6, 2005

If you have any of these symptoms, you may consider a Holy Ghost enema.
posted by c13 at 11:09 PM on March 6, 2005

How Much Is Too Much? - Over-masturbaters would experience problems with concentration and memory. This is a dangerous side effect of over-masturbation and signals..

WTF? This reminds me of that "Ask the..." articles that The Onion has from time to time.
posted by c13 at 11:11 PM on March 6, 2005

It says I need glasses.
posted by wsg at 11:14 PM on March 6, 2005

So.... the solution for excessive masterbation is Herbal Cream? Oh, it also has pills for Penis Enlargement too! They have everything a growing boy needs.
posted by Arch Stanton at 11:15 PM on March 6, 2005

Oh, it also has pills for Penis Enlargement too! They have everything a growing boy needs.

Well, you know.. its better with lube...


DuraMAX!
posted by c13 at 11:24 PM on March 6, 2005

They don't mention any ill consequences for women... perhaps the product line isn't out yet.
posted by missbossy at 1:06 AM on March 7, 2005

"Dr. N.K. Lin: I think that the word enlargement can often mislead people and I prefer the word balloon as the penis can be blown up like a balloon..."

What the...?
posted by labyrinthinedreams at 1:25 AM on March 7, 2005

Don't mock it, it's a great party trick.
posted by fvw at 3:44 AM on March 7, 2005

I filled in the survey form, and under "frequency", put in 54 times a week. The prognosis? Slightly over-masturbating. I don't know how anyone could find the time to chalk up a "definitely, certainly" too many hand-shandies.
posted by bunglin jones at 3:55 AM on March 7, 2005

How Much Is Too Much? - Over-masturbaters would experience problems with concentration and memory. This is a dangerous side effect of over-masturbation and signals...

...now, what was I going to say?
posted by paladin at 4:12 AM on March 7, 2005

Wow, what a nice survey. If I fill it in and say 1 time a week, what do I get? Slightly over-masturbating. Putting 0 just reloads the survey. I guess they believe no one can go a week without masturbating, but masturbating even once is overdoing it.

I'm looking forward to more of the same objectivity towards health "problems" from "natural" remedies stores!
posted by splice at 4:17 AM on March 7, 2005

Funny, those symptoms are also a rather good match for the symptoms of going without.
posted by Goofyy at 4:47 AM on March 7, 2005

Is sex with other dangerous, too?
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 4:50 AM on March 7, 2005

Sex can lead to people, and that's the disease with no cure.
posted by NickDouglas at 5:02 AM on March 7, 2005

They forgot to mention "dead kittens" as a symptom.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:30 AM on March 7, 2005

I fill it in and say 1 time a week, what do I get? Slightly over-masturbating.

I fill it in and say 70 times a week, what do I get? Slightly over-masturbating

I fill it in and say 700 times a week, what do I get? Slightly over-masturbating

I fill it in and say 7000 times a week, what do I get? Slightly over-masturbating.
posted by bashos_frog at 5:44 AM on March 7, 2005

This site is just amazing. Clicking randomly (*cough*), I find myself on the "Penis Shrinkage" page. Do you know that the leading cause of penis shrinkage is over-masturbation?

But really, the best quote ever has to be this (on the same page):

Hey, something has to be responsible for powering your demon seeds.
posted by splice at 6:53 AM on March 7, 2005

Keep your hairy palms where I can see them.

There. Fixed it.
posted by nofundy at 7:00 AM on March 7, 2005

Jerkoffs.
posted by jonmc at 7:29 AM on March 7, 2005

the penis can be blown up like a balloon...

I tried that line once, but she wouldn't believe it.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:56 AM on March 7, 2005

" I have practiced the Anal Breathing Technique to inhibit the sexual drive to avoid the fatal mistake of excessive masturbation."

Anal breathing? Whaaat?
posted by tomplus2 at 9:12 AM on March 7, 2005

Anal Breathing Technique? Talk about bad breath!
posted by kirkaracha at 9:19 AM on March 7, 2005

No wonder America's productivity is so low... over masturbation. The one answer to all of life's persistent questions.
Excuse me, gotta go... um what was it?
Hey! Can we now sue music video makers for leading us down this path of disability? How about Victoria Secret catalog publishers... Damn it SOMEONE has to pay.
posted by edgeways at 9:20 AM on March 7, 2005

I always wondered why I was going bald at 23. Guess I should stop going to the sperm bank so often...
posted by darkness at 9:21 AM on March 7, 2005

In a futile attempt to salvage discussion of the stupid with discussion of the great, I highly recommend this review of A Cultural History of Masturbation that claims most of our ambivalence about the act can be traced to a single early 18th century tract by a quack doctor.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:46 AM on March 7, 2005

I dunno about the sperm banks in your area, but the one here doesn't pay interest and doesn't let you make a withdrawal. It's a complete ripoff!
posted by five fresh fish at 10:14 AM on March 7, 2005

I dunno about the sperm banks in your area, but the one here doesn't pay interest and doesn't let you make a withdrawal.

Here's one bank in Philadelphia where the tellers will take a lot of interest in you, and you can make withdrawals any time you want, hon'.
posted by AlexReynolds at 11:20 AM on March 7, 2005

And I thought I just had to worry about hairy palms.

Oh, wait. This is for guys?

*quietly sneaks out of the thread*
posted by deborah at 11:26 AM on March 7, 2005