Kabbalah Energy Drink

August 24, 2005 10:24 AM

Kabbalah Energy Drink is a combination of Kabbalah Water and and energy drink. The makers are "courting the Red Bull market" according to Darin Ezra, head of the LA Kabbalah center.
posted by Suparnova (35 comments total)

...and you have the perfect fusion of two of the hottest fads sweeping the country...

Is Kaballah still cool? Because my local Kaballah Center closed down recently.

I'm hoping that something funny-lame will become the religion of the moment instead of Kaballah, which is just lame.
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:32 AM on August 24, 2005

Can't wait for Scientology Pimp Juice!

(alternate snarky comment: KabbalahEnergyDrinkBlue)
posted by Robot Johnny at 10:32 AM on August 24, 2005

But, but, but Madonna's all about Kabbalah, how can it be bad? She's like the maven of cool, isn't she? Or was that the Mavis of Cool?

Robot Johnny, just who would be the target demographic for something called "Pimp Juice"? Because I know there's no damned way I'd be drinking anything called that, ewww. Maybe Katie Holmes?
posted by fenriq at 10:42 AM on August 24, 2005

I'm holding out for Jesus Juice™.
posted by Jatayu das at 10:44 AM on August 24, 2005

According to IDontlikeyouinthatway.com, Britney Spears will "deliver her baby in a special pool filled with 1,000 one-liter bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water".

I'm wondering if this company is the sponsor.
posted by thanotopsis at 10:44 AM on August 24, 2005

Look for "Venezuelan Truth Water" from the CBN soon...
posted by Jazznoisehere at 10:58 AM on August 24, 2005

My god, people never cease to amaze me. In the Glorious New Regime this sort of water will be laced with 30 micrograms of VX, to remove the unusually stupid from the gene pool. Their surviving relatives will be unceremoniously hauled off our brutal antarctic smelting facilities for a short life of hard labor.
posted by aramaic at 11:00 AM on August 24, 2005

History is the shockwave of the eschaton.
posted by sonofsamiam at 11:04 AM on August 24, 2005

In other Kabbalah news, Madonna Falls Off Of A Horse
posted by poppo at 11:11 AM on August 24, 2005

And if you are a member of one of the other religions of "The People of the Book," (and remember, you can't get Jesus Juice anywhere outside the Gates of Neverland), there is always "Mecca-Cola."
posted by kozad at 11:11 AM on August 24, 2005

Well, they're definately courting some bull market.
posted by maxsparber at 11:14 AM on August 24, 2005

Wow. who would ever have expected jews to be so money grubbing?

Sorry, that was terrible. Honestly these Kabbalah people seem pretty harmless. They just want to part celeberties with their money, unlike the Scientologests, who are totaly nuts.

This kabbalah stuff is mostly just goofyness, much better then most of the religious crap going on in the world today.
posted by delmoi at 11:35 AM on August 24, 2005

At the bottom of http://www.kabbalahwater.com/, it says "© kabbalah center international", and llnks to http://www.kabbalah.com/. On their contact page they say that they are a bona fide non-profit religious organization with a 501 (c) 3.

So, when I buy this water, can I deduct it from my taxes?
posted by darkness at 11:42 AM on August 24, 2005

I hat Kaballah
posted by Debaser626 at 12:10 PM on August 24, 2005

When you buy kosher food can you deduct that from your taxes?
posted by geoff. at 12:11 PM on August 24, 2005

Jingo Juice, the official soft drink of the Republican Party.
posted by disgruntled at 12:13 PM on August 24, 2005

Britney Spears will "deliver her baby in a special pool filled with 1,000 one-liter bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water".

God, I would think all those bottles would crush the poor baby!
posted by Pollomacho at 12:14 PM on August 24, 2005

Ever try it in reverse? As in, I ain't no halabbak girl"? Spooky, eh?
posted by tr33hggr at 12:17 PM on August 24, 2005

They could call it "The Red Heiffer" or "Red Bullshit", either way.
posted by dwordle at 12:24 PM on August 24, 2005

So this Kabbalah, it's like Jews for Jesus, but in reverse?
posted by gigawhat? at 12:31 PM on August 24, 2005

When you buy kosher food can you deduct that from your taxes?

It's not about *what* you buy, but *who* you buy it from.
posted by darkness at 12:32 PM on August 24, 2005

Scientology already has Clam Juice.
posted by Floydd at 12:43 PM on August 24, 2005

What will they think of next.

This reminds me of some rosewater I have that's been magnetized. I just like the way it smells, y'know?
posted by Specklet at 12:43 PM on August 24, 2005

i saw this stuff at a gas station across the street from pink's in LA about 6 months back (on shabbos no less); it's a pretty orthodox jewish neighborhood too. i couldn't believe it. the can even does that bacchus energy drink thing of being red, silver, and blue, but not quite the red bull logo. i would have bought a can as a joke, but that would have meant money going to it.
posted by bryak at 12:48 PM on August 24, 2005

Fenriq: let it loose
posted by Robot Johnny at 1:48 PM on August 24, 2005

It's a longish read, but Radar's 4-part exposé on LA's Kabbalah center is worth reading.
posted by O9scar at 1:59 PM on August 24, 2005

O9scar, does this expose involve Madonna shucking her clothes again? I think we've all seen it and its just not that impressive. Oh wait, an expose in the journalistic sense of the term, okay!

Robot Johnny, is it thick and salty flavored? Damn, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
posted by fenriq at 3:37 PM on August 24, 2005

"...In December the Guardian of London published a 10-month investigation that revealed the dubious nature of the Rav’s qualifications as a religious leader..."

What, he's not kooky enough?
posted by Lycaste at 3:52 PM on August 24, 2005

I dunno. I think I'll stick to Atheist Ale.
posted by Decani at 4:52 PM on August 24, 2005

Scientology should take note. Water mixed with Tom Cruise's juices would sell like crazy.
posted by MonkeyC at 7:17 PM on August 24, 2005

After drinking this stuff, I had ten emanations.
posted by jimfl at 9:11 PM on August 24, 2005

thanotopsis : "Britney Spears will 'deliver her baby in a special pool filled with 1,000 one-liter bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water'."

Having read the description of Kabbalah water for the first time (yeah, I don't live in the Euromerican world, so I'm a little behind...though we do have a yoga boom going), it appears that:

[T]he primordial waters of the earth water were free of any and all destructive or negative energies. There could be no drowning. There could be no floods or tidal waves. Water could only heal, nurture, and help.
...The negativity of humanity brought about the dual nature of water that had never existed before. Since that time, water has been both creative and destructive, both healing and harmful.
...Years ago, Rav Berg and the great Kabbalists who were his teachers made an astonishing discovery: a truly sharing consciousness, channeled through certain Kabbalistic blessings and meditations, has the power to return water to its primordial state of completely positive, healing energy.

Which would appear to indicate that Britney would be totally cool with the baby being held underwater for a few hours after birth, being as it is that drowning in Kabbalah water is impossible.
posted by Bugbread at 12:59 AM on August 25, 2005

If I were a celebrity, I would totally make a kabbalah pool in my mansion, because you could totally swim and stay underwater as long as you wanted without coming up for breath or wearing a snorkel.

Totally.
posted by Bugbread at 2:46 AM on August 25, 2005

Yehuda Berg's The Power of Kabbalah engaged in some annoying habits: insisting on an ancient lineage for something for which there's no evidence is any older than the 13th century (the Zohar); insisting on his tradition as being the source of all wisdom traditions (Taoism and Buddhism stole everything from it, you see); making lame analogies to science to grasp for significance ("there are ten sephiroth! And there are ten dimensions in superstring theory [or 11, or 26, but who's counting?]! Clearly, ancient kabbalists knew what modern scientists are only beginning to suspect!").

And despite all that, I ultimately like the book for its advice on living.

None of which is to act as apologist for the Kabbalah Center's wackier practices or merchandising. But having had no contact with them save reading that book, I think at least some of their teaching has value.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 10:39 AM on August 25, 2005

Gee.

The Kabbalah Centre's version of QBLH is roughly similar to late night TV televangelists and their relation to true Christianity. Mocking the ideas of QBLH by using them as the example is pointless and deeply disrespectful.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:23 PM on August 27, 2005