"remember the shopping season, to keep it holy..."

December 9, 2005 11:04 AM

Liberal conspiracy to take away school children's right to sing cherished Christmas song......Or simple misunderstanding? Another hard-hitting battlefield report from the frontlines of the Culture Wars, from the same stalwart news organization who brought us John Stossel's seminal treatise on the hidden virtues of greed. (Yes, both links are to a mainstream news outlet, but this story's an exclusive, so there aren't any alternatives.)
posted by all-seeing eye dog (42 comments total)

ABC is awesome. Nobody EVER scoops them when they have an awesome story. That's why this is an exclusive and that's why this is best of the web, right?
posted by mds35 at 11:15 AM on December 9, 2005

"NBC Peacock Singers, singing, in the spirit of diversity and fear, an all-inclusive medley for EVERYONE."


SILENT NIGHT


Silent night, regular night
All is calm, all is bright
'Round the fire, mother and child
Random infant, religiously neutral
Sleep in comfortable beds
Sleep in comfortable beds


AWAY IN A BARNBOX


Away in a barnbox
No bib for their lunch
The donkey and camel
On straw they will munch
The stars in the sky
Shine down 'cuz it's night
The lamb and that donkey
Just got in a fight


TUESDAY NIGHT


O Tuesday Night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night to watch TV and play cards


Fall on your knees
And do a jigsaw puzzle
Just stay inside tonight
It's half past nine
Just stay inside
Feelin' fine


THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS


How ya doin'
How ya doin'
How ya doin'
How ya doin'
I'm doin' just fine

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
posted by Floydd at 11:15 AM on December 9, 2005

The "War On Christmas" is over, and the losers are those of us who actually used to look forward to the holid...oh shit, I can't use that word.
posted by you just lost the game at 11:15 AM on December 9, 2005

Staver is a nutbag.
posted by quonsar at 11:17 AM on December 9, 2005

Hmmm...

Send kids home with (original) Silent Night lyrics and someone gets offended.

Send kids home with secularized Silent Night lyrics and someone gets offended.

Lets just not have Christmas/holiday plays, pageants and whatever else. Lets not celebrate anything in public ever again. Maybe that'll shut all the crybabies up.
posted by SirOmega at 11:19 AM on December 9, 2005

this is best of the web, right?

Is there such a thing as "the best of the worst of the web"? Because that's also a kind of "best of the web," hain't it? Well, in any case, I think this is an interesting (if petty) little controversy, and ABC news is the only outlet running it. And ABC is, without a doubt, "awesome."
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 11:20 AM on December 9, 2005

Lets not celebrate anything in public ever again.

Now you're catching on!
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on December 9, 2005

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this whole Christmas controversy is the dumbest thing ever in the history of the American Republic. EVER!!!
posted by mr_roboto at 11:21 AM on December 9, 2005

By all means, let's continue to focus on this worthless bullshit, when we've got war in Iraq, deficits as far as the eye can see, millions in poverty in the US, millions more without means to access basic healthcare, declining standards of living, abysmal public education, jobs hemorrhaging abroad, etc. Grumble, grumble.

And, oh yeah, Merry fucking Christmas.
posted by psmealey at 11:22 AM on December 9, 2005

mr_roboto: Actually slavery was the dumbest. This is the second dumbest. But point taken.
posted by gagglezoomer at 11:22 AM on December 9, 2005

"Dodgeville School District"

somehow that says it all...

does the phrase "who the fuck cares" ring true for anyone but me about this stuff...

I think everyone concerned should be sent out into a field in North Dakota to beat each other to death with rolled up bibles and copies of new age magazines. And they can sing whatever they want while they do it!
posted by HuronBob at 11:24 AM on December 9, 2005

Send kids home with (original) Silent Night lyrics and someone gets offended.

Yep--and to me, the really silly thing about this is, according to the school, the lyrics weren't even intended to be a replacement for Silent Night--they were merely lyrics to a different song, sung to the tune of "Silent Night"‽‽‽ So much sensitivity all around; and surprisingly, much of it seems to come from the quarters that complain the most vociferously about others' hyper-sensitivity.
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 11:25 AM on December 9, 2005

psmealey's noteworthy sentiment will become more pronounced in coming years as the crises we are in come to full bore, the Culture Wars of the 80s and 90s will fade like a bad memory as the older generations fundamentalist crusades become marginalized in the face of more serious problems. In other words, ignore this stuff, it doesnt have a future.
posted by stbalbach at 11:28 AM on December 9, 2005

Well. At least some good has come out of the Bullshit War On The Bullshit War On Christmas. I just learned that ‽ is the interrobang entity. Muchas Gracias y Feliz Navidad, all-seeing!
posted by Vetinari at 11:32 AM on December 9, 2005

I was worried that the right would win their "war on christmas" then I realized they haven't been able to win any of their other wars.

In the end, schools are probably just going to stop putting on "holiday" programs, and instead move everything to January or something. At work, I might have wished someone a happy holidays, now no one's getting more than "Have a Nice Night" and I'm practicing my glare for when anyone tries telling me "Merry Christmas."


In retrospect, the Right is really good at winning wars when their forces totally overwhelm the otherside, say Grenada or Panama, so we'll see.
posted by drezdn at 11:32 AM on December 9, 2005

If the song's lyrics bother you, then don't sing it. Otherwise sing it as written. As for the change being an insult to the original, I think that argument is an insult to intelligence.
posted by caddis at 11:32 AM on December 9, 2005

So, is this a conservative conspiracy to generate red meat for fundamentalist constituents in an attempt to distract from the larger problems identified by psmealey, or is this a liberal conspiracy to make the conervatives look like out-of-touch douche bags? Which ever it is, they need to STFU.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:33 AM on December 9, 2005

Students at the school will present "The Little Tree's Christmas Gift," a musical production that tells the story of a family going out to buy a Christmas tree. Other melodies include "Jingle Bells," "We Three Kings," "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Chanukah." "Each one has the lyrics changed in order to tell the story," Messer said. "It's so that young children know the melodies."

It wasn't an attempt to secularize it. They wrote a little play. The songs in it were to the tune of familiar Christmas carols. Happens all the time.
posted by jrossi4r at 11:34 AM on December 9, 2005

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this whole Christmas controversy is the dumbest thing ever in the history of the American Republic. EVER!!!

No, dude. This uproar over the secularization of xmas is the best thing that's happened in the U.S. in years. While all the red neck christian freako's have their panties in a bunch over this issue, it keeps their focus off of their other boogey men, gay marriage and evolution, where they are doing actual harm.

I, for one, plan on making a BIG DEAL out of this, it seems to really aggravate these people.


Happy Holidays, every one!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:35 AM on December 9, 2005

But didn't you read? They changed the lyrics! They changed the lyrics! Holy hell.
posted by petri at 11:36 AM on December 9, 2005

And ABC is, without a doubt, "awesome."

Then we are in agreement. Merrie Christmas, all-seeing eye dog.
posted by mds35 at 11:36 AM on December 9, 2005

Muchas Gracias y Feliz Navidad, all-seeing!

Right back at ya, Vetinari, but in German: Gute weinachten! I plan to incorporate interrobangs into as many comments as possible, to help spread the love...
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 11:38 AM on December 9, 2005

all-seeing eye dog writes "The really silly thing about this is, according to the school, the lyrics weren't even intended to be a replacement for Silent Night--they were merely lyrics to a different song, sung to the tune of 'Silent Night"

Christians, right? Yeah, it figures, now I remember - they are those guys who think the world was created by a desert god four thousand years ago or so, can't understand what the scientific method is. want to change the meaning of science so it can investigate non-natural phenomena, will do their best to destroy Education and are now beating people who disagree with them. Yeah, sound right to me, they're the kind of people who will play dumb on purpose for a chance scream "I am being oppressed, I am being oppressed" on TV. The father in question probably understood perfectly well when it was explained to him, but how could he resist the urge to join the "War on Christmas"?

And I thought everybody had already agreed that the correct way to greet people this time of the year was "Happy Shopping".
posted by nkyad at 11:39 AM on December 9, 2005

I remember the first time I heard Bill Hicks rant about the vast media conspiracy to keep Americans stupid. I think I was in college at the time, and though I found it funny, I really didn't get its significance at the time. Over the years, after enduring endless hours of spoonfed "news" stories pumping celebrity and entertainment garbage instead of informing the public, and being a willing accomplice to this "culture war" bullshit, I have come to learn that his wasn't actually a standup routine; he was dead serious, and he was exactly right.

The media's incessant flogging of this frivolous nonsense really brings the truth of it home.
posted by psmealey at 11:40 AM on December 9, 2005

Gute Weinachten to you, too, mds35!
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 11:40 AM on December 9, 2005

psmealey's cracked the code! quick--get 'em, boys!
posted by all-seeing eye dog at 11:41 AM on December 9, 2005

It's obvious the school OWES those offended the appropriate lyrics. That's what Christmas is all about.
posted by Spatch at 11:44 AM on December 9, 2005

God damn it, not another attempt to change the lyrics of a religiously themed song into something secular. That's just not the American way.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 11:45 AM on December 9, 2005

If the song's lyrics bother you, then don't sing it. Otherwise sing it as written.

Tell it to Weird Al.

Slarty Bartfest has the right idea. I'd rather these bozos fight against holiday trees then institutionalize discrimination against gays and religious minorities.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:50 AM on December 9, 2005

From the second link:

McNeil agrees. "Somewhere along the lines, Bill Gates started off with zero. Somewhere along the lines Quincy Jones started off with zero. It's not a color thing. You know, it's an opportunity thing."

Merry Xmas, Racism is Over.
posted by iamck at 11:54 AM on December 9, 2005

Kwanzaa wins.
posted by bardic at 12:03 PM on December 9, 2005

Fuck Christmas Xmas the holidays it. Let's go bowling.
posted by aaronetc at 12:05 PM on December 9, 2005

Let's Go Bowling?
posted by bardic at 12:14 PM on December 9, 2005

Take the skinheads bowling. take them bowling
posted by keswick at 2:05 PM on December 9, 2005

Why can't we have a national mocking of dweebs like this? I mean, once upon a time, the majority of Americans (be they religious or secular) could hear about this guy and think he was a dickfor. Now they have to be treated like they're somehow credible because otherwise Dobson et al. whips up a posse...
Fucking factions. If only we'd listened to Publius.
posted by klangklangston at 2:17 PM on December 9, 2005

Why should they sing a changed version of the song? It is un-american and satanic to sing that song in anything but the original German

Stille Nacht! Heil'ge Nacht!
Alles schläft; einsam wacht
Nur das traute hoch heilige Paar.
Holder Knab' im lockigten Haar,
|: Schlafe in himmlischer Ruh! :
posted by Megafly at 2:44 PM on December 9, 2005

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin layed an egg.
Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away.

*gets sued by DC*
posted by Durhey at 3:41 PM on December 9, 2005

Io Satrunalia, you wanker yanking butter churners!
posted by Balisong at 5:09 PM on December 9, 2005

Python Xmas.
posted by emf at 5:24 PM on December 9, 2005

For years now, I've been driving between Cedar Rapids, IA and Madison, WI on Highway 151, not realizing that I was passing so close to such a den of iniquity as Ridgeview Elementary.

Whew, thank god the most I ever did in Dodgeville was eat a plate of pancakes and maybe go to the bathroom (not, of course, at the same time).
posted by thanotopsis at 5:46 PM on December 12, 2005

It's really not such a dumb controversy--Public Schools are no place for songs about Jesus.
posted by amberglow at 6:18 PM on December 12, 2005

Thanatopsis: You're not really from Soldier's Grove, Wi are you? If so, I think you're my cousin... (Based on profile/itinerary).
posted by klangklangston at 10:38 PM on December 12, 2005