The Ruling Class.
April 12, 2006 9:02 AM Subscribe
Inside the White House.... brought to you by Something Awful. Elaborate SA put-on, or so insane it must be true? I can't decide. DailyKos summary. [morey]
um. "Donald Rumsfeld wears iced underwear?" And you wonder if it's possibly true?
posted by crunchland at 9:06 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by crunchland at 9:06 AM on April 12, 2006
Even if it is fake, it's a bit scary how easily believable stories like that are. I didn't even have a "naaaaaaaaaaaw!" reaction, just, a "yeah, that sounds about right."
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:09 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:09 AM on April 12, 2006
Swallowing hydrogen peroxide solutions is particularly dangerous, as decomposition in the stomach releases large quantities of gas leading to internal bleeding.
No wonder Cheney looks so froggy all the time.
posted by boo_radley at 9:10 AM on April 12, 2006
No wonder Cheney looks so froggy all the time.
posted by boo_radley at 9:10 AM on April 12, 2006
Not credible. At all.
So Tom Ridge wears his socks inside out. I can see how that could be known. But he flips out if forced to wear them right-side out? When would that happen? Does the President get a kick out of ordering Tom Ridge to turn his socks rightside out?
I can't believe I even posted in this thread.
posted by callmejay at 9:10 AM on April 12, 2006
So Tom Ridge wears his socks inside out. I can see how that could be known. But he flips out if forced to wear them right-side out? When would that happen? Does the President get a kick out of ordering Tom Ridge to turn his socks rightside out?
I can't believe I even posted in this thread.
posted by callmejay at 9:10 AM on April 12, 2006
If this is real
And this low level, Something-Awful-posting janitor/message boy/intern knows about Bush's impotence how, exactly?
Unless the poster is Jeff Gannon?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:13 AM on April 12, 2006
And this low level, Something-Awful-posting janitor/message boy/intern knows about Bush's impotence how, exactly?
Unless the poster is Jeff Gannon?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:13 AM on April 12, 2006
The cheese story is almost certainly true. I have been reading a children's book to my daughter about the giant wheel of Vermont cheese that was given to Thomas Jefferson.
Apparently it became a custom, rather like the Thanksgiving turkeys and so on.
posted by briank at 9:18 AM on April 12, 2006
Apparently it became a custom, rather like the Thanksgiving turkeys and so on.
posted by briank at 9:18 AM on April 12, 2006
Donald Rumsfeld used to play Lumpy Rutherford on Leave it to Beaver.
You read it, it must be true.
posted by bondcliff at 9:20 AM on April 12, 2006
You read it, it must be true.
posted by bondcliff at 9:20 AM on April 12, 2006
I hesitated to post this
Stick with your gut instincts. People with enough WH clearance to know those things don't belong to the SA forums. C'mon, man...
posted by mkultra at 9:22 AM on April 12, 2006
Stick with your gut instincts. People with enough WH clearance to know those things don't belong to the SA forums. C'mon, man...
posted by mkultra at 9:22 AM on April 12, 2006
No wonder Cheney looks so froggy all the time.
Nah, that H2O2 info you picked out of wikipedia concerns concentrated hydrogen peroxide( >50%). What you'd likely use for mouthwash would be 3%.
I'm more curious about Whitehouse sleep-overs that must have occurred for this person to know about everyone's sleeping and dressing habits. Also, isn't the Whitehouse lawn mowed by robots?
posted by peeedro at 9:22 AM on April 12, 2006
Nah, that H2O2 info you picked out of wikipedia concerns concentrated hydrogen peroxide( >50%). What you'd likely use for mouthwash would be 3%.
I'm more curious about Whitehouse sleep-overs that must have occurred for this person to know about everyone's sleeping and dressing habits. Also, isn't the Whitehouse lawn mowed by robots?
posted by peeedro at 9:22 AM on April 12, 2006
I Want To Believe!
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 9:23 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 9:23 AM on April 12, 2006
Tom Ridge isn't even in the government any more.
posted by Pollomacho at 9:25 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by Pollomacho at 9:25 AM on April 12, 2006
All of these weird physical problems are directly linked to the fact that sustaining a human form for long periods of time is very stressful for the alien reptiles.
posted by doctor_negative at 9:25 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by doctor_negative at 9:25 AM on April 12, 2006
When I read the wikipedia article about h2o2, I thought that it saying "10 times the volume of a 3% solution" means that a 3% solution would expand 10x in the tummy. Color me chastized.
posted by boo_radley at 9:27 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by boo_radley at 9:27 AM on April 12, 2006
I want to Smell!
posted by stinkycheese at 9:35 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by stinkycheese at 9:35 AM on April 12, 2006
holy cow, true or not, this guy is a hell of a writer. creative, deadpan, detailed, and convincing. i am having trouble not NOT believing it
posted by poppo at 9:36 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by poppo at 9:36 AM on April 12, 2006
THEINHKO posted:
What is the most outrageous thing you have seen or heard whilst working?
Many things rank up there, but the one that immediately comes to mind is coming upon Wolfowitz in the office, clutching a cellular phone with white knuckles, slamming his set of personal pictures face down on his shelf one by one, each time screaming, "CUNT! CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT!"
True or not, it's pretty damned entertaining.
posted by interrobang at 9:41 AM on April 12, 2006
It IS elaborate, and creative, and thoughtful. Read his take on the creation of DHS:
Homeland security started as a really awesome idea to revolutionize the huge structure of administrative agencies within a centralized cabinet. It was really really awesome at the time and everyone was excited about it, even people like me who usually have nothing to do with this crap. It got bogged down because there was a shortage of good talent to design and put into it at that given moment, and people who felt they were owed political favors would resent being passed over for positions. The result is a horrible mess which is exacerbated by the fact that the resulting organizational structure was never refined or even properly DEfined. Instead of a slick cock-like penisular totem pole of speed, you have a horrible turf-war of budgetary battles, ship-jumping, and intra-administration head-hunting. There was a string board at the beginning, showing links between various organizational units, and when the Homeland Security was getting proposed, it looked like a thing of beauty. Everyone was jazzed. Then compromises happened and it turned into a horrible tangled mess, and just by looking at it on the board I could tell that no good would come from it.
Look at the detail in there, like the string board. Fantastic.
posted by poppo at 9:44 AM on April 12, 2006
Homeland security started as a really awesome idea to revolutionize the huge structure of administrative agencies within a centralized cabinet. It was really really awesome at the time and everyone was excited about it, even people like me who usually have nothing to do with this crap. It got bogged down because there was a shortage of good talent to design and put into it at that given moment, and people who felt they were owed political favors would resent being passed over for positions. The result is a horrible mess which is exacerbated by the fact that the resulting organizational structure was never refined or even properly DEfined. Instead of a slick cock-like penisular totem pole of speed, you have a horrible turf-war of budgetary battles, ship-jumping, and intra-administration head-hunting. There was a string board at the beginning, showing links between various organizational units, and when the Homeland Security was getting proposed, it looked like a thing of beauty. Everyone was jazzed. Then compromises happened and it turned into a horrible tangled mess, and just by looking at it on the board I could tell that no good would come from it.
Look at the detail in there, like the string board. Fantastic.
posted by poppo at 9:44 AM on April 12, 2006
True or not, no idea. But if it is fake, the restraint shown is pretty remarkable. I'd be trying to toss in a crappy aside or minor exchange or something between myself and an official.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:52 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:52 AM on April 12, 2006
It reads like something written by John Hodgman, he of The Areas of My Expertise and recently the Daily Show. Hilarious, but totally bogus.
posted by gigawhat? at 9:52 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by gigawhat? at 9:52 AM on April 12, 2006
Yeah, the whole thing with "Condi smells so good the kitchen staff gathers round smelling her napkins" stuff is pretty Hodgmanic.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:56 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:56 AM on April 12, 2006
If it's a prank it contains just enough truth to make it seem real. A lot of these I have heard before as rumour or just make sense. Some I know to be true, like the Macro WH used for Whitehouse.
Personally, I've always suspected that Bush was being treated for some kind of psychological condition that was interfering with his ability to cognitively function. I know that sounds like a huge insult, but I really don't mean it that way. It's just my perception.
posted by xammerboy at 9:57 AM on April 12, 2006
Personally, I've always suspected that Bush was being treated for some kind of psychological condition that was interfering with his ability to cognitively function. I know that sounds like a huge insult, but I really don't mean it that way. It's just my perception.
posted by xammerboy at 9:57 AM on April 12, 2006
And this low level, Something-Awful-posting janitor/message boy/intern knows about Bush's impotence how, exactly?
The accounting reads like a combination of firsthand personal knowledge and internal heresay. Having been in many a place ruled by gossip, I certainly wouldn't be surprised if it were true (or truthy, as gossip goes)...
posted by VulcanMike at 9:59 AM on April 12, 2006
The accounting reads like a combination of firsthand personal knowledge and internal heresay. Having been in many a place ruled by gossip, I certainly wouldn't be surprised if it were true (or truthy, as gossip goes)...
posted by VulcanMike at 9:59 AM on April 12, 2006
The underground structures are fucking astounding, but nobody ever gets to see them. Most federal buildings, by design, have tunnels underneath them large enough to drive one jeep through. Whenever I can find an excuse, I try to go down there, but my usual excuse doesn't work because it's impossible to unintentionally "get lost" inside the white house.
You can't use a picture cellphone here but that is the same for any federal building.
More excellent detail. Mostly true regarding the picture phones (they're not supposed to be allowed, but I've worked in a FOB and had one daily), and have also heard of the tunnels that ran from my bldg to another
posted by poppo at 9:59 AM on April 12, 2006
You can't use a picture cellphone here but that is the same for any federal building.
More excellent detail. Mostly true regarding the picture phones (they're not supposed to be allowed, but I've worked in a FOB and had one daily), and have also heard of the tunnels that ran from my bldg to another
posted by poppo at 9:59 AM on April 12, 2006
I have to agree on the Condi-obsessed-with-her-smell-thing though. That one is too far out.
posted by poppo at 10:01 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by poppo at 10:01 AM on April 12, 2006
craniac, that variant comes after the Something Awful post. Probably a copy. I've been looking for information online that pre-dates the SA post that might corroborate it, without much success.
posted by Nelson at 10:02 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Nelson at 10:02 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
I find so much of this believable, but this really is the dealbreaker for me:
If anyone finds this out for me I will give them payment for the information. Everyone loves how Condi smells and we do anything we can to sniff her while she isn't looking. If I knew what perfume she wears, I would simply soak a sock in it and writhe in orgasmic excstacy without having to stalk her everywhere she goes. After she shook hands with Putin, he sniffed his hand again and again. Her aroma is heavenly and legendary throughout the world.
posted by poppo at 10:03 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
If anyone finds this out for me I will give them payment for the information. Everyone loves how Condi smells and we do anything we can to sniff her while she isn't looking. If I knew what perfume she wears, I would simply soak a sock in it and writhe in orgasmic excstacy without having to stalk her everywhere she goes. After she shook hands with Putin, he sniffed his hand again and again. Her aroma is heavenly and legendary throughout the world.
posted by poppo at 10:03 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
I don't care if it's true or not, it's fucking beautiful.
Definitely "Best of the Web"
posted by empath at 10:09 AM on April 12, 2006
Definitely "Best of the Web"
posted by empath at 10:09 AM on April 12, 2006
Corroboration OR source material for the Condi-perfume thing here:
Hundreds marched to Blackburn town hall dressed in orange boiler suits and screamed at her as she arrived for a press conference. Yet Ms Rice greeted it all with a red-lipsticked smile and a heady wallop of fragrance that seems to have left grown men powerless in her wake.
posted by poppo at 10:11 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
Hundreds marched to Blackburn town hall dressed in orange boiler suits and screamed at her as she arrived for a press conference. Yet Ms Rice greeted it all with a red-lipsticked smile and a heady wallop of fragrance that seems to have left grown men powerless in her wake.
posted by poppo at 10:11 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
The variant I posted is not an earlier version, but you can see the author adding to the original, which is sorta interesting.
All of these weird physical problems are directly linked to the fact that sustaining a human form for long periods of time is very stressful for the alien reptiles.
Ha, that wins the thread, hands down.
posted by craniac at 10:12 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
All of these weird physical problems are directly linked to the fact that sustaining a human form for long periods of time is very stressful for the alien reptiles.
Ha, that wins the thread, hands down.
posted by craniac at 10:12 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
Just so's you know, I work in a secure part of a secure floor of a secure building for a security agency. Most people here have picture phones and flash drives in their pockets.
What most amazes me is this guy's level of access. What job does he have that he sits in the bathroom while Cheney shits, watches Condi check her email, Bush take his meds and Ridge put on his socks?
Very funny though.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:12 AM on April 12, 2006
What most amazes me is this guy's level of access. What job does he have that he sits in the bathroom while Cheney shits, watches Condi check her email, Bush take his meds and Ridge put on his socks?
Very funny though.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:12 AM on April 12, 2006
This is really entertaining. I wonder how far someone could string people along making up things like this if that is what they were doing, which I'm not ruling out here. I've run across a couple of details that in my mind don't jibe with known incidents, but supposing for a minute that the poster does know these things, he's still conveying his impression of what's going on. I don't know, man. Hey, Martin Random, what about Batboy?
posted by furiousthought at 10:13 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by furiousthought at 10:13 AM on April 12, 2006
supposing for a minute that the poster does know these things
Um, why?
posted by CunningLinguist at 10:15 AM on April 12, 2006
Um, why?
posted by CunningLinguist at 10:15 AM on April 12, 2006
Just so's you know, I work in a secure part of a secure floor of a secure building for a security agency. Most people here have picture phones and flash drives in their pockets.
Yes, but we're not supposed to. It's plausible that this rule is actually enforced at the White House.
posted by poppo at 10:18 AM on April 12, 2006
Yes, but we're not supposed to. It's plausible that this rule is actually enforced at the White House.
posted by poppo at 10:18 AM on April 12, 2006
why?
Well, you can go along with the story for a little while, and feel entertained, or completely refuse to, and feel superior. I choose A. Doesn't mean I'm going to believe it's gospel truth for the rest of my days or even until lunch.
posted by furiousthought at 10:21 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
Well, you can go along with the story for a little while, and feel entertained, or completely refuse to, and feel superior. I choose A. Doesn't mean I'm going to believe it's gospel truth for the rest of my days or even until lunch.
posted by furiousthought at 10:21 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
Just so's you know, I work in a secure part of a secure floor of a secure building for a security agency. Most people here have picture phones and flash drives in their pockets.
At my workplace for a couple months we were not allowed to use cellphones with cameras for security reasons, so I can easily believe this is true of the WhiteHouse. In fact, if it's not true it should be. Kinda common sense.
posted by xammerboy at 10:26 AM on April 12, 2006
At my workplace for a couple months we were not allowed to use cellphones with cameras for security reasons, so I can easily believe this is true of the WhiteHouse. In fact, if it's not true it should be. Kinda common sense.
posted by xammerboy at 10:26 AM on April 12, 2006
Three devices he uses to be really convinces:
1) Self-doubt - When he says "I don't have any direct information on this because the guys with him at the time are not talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible," you want to believe him because he's admitting the possibility of being wrong. Normally a conspiracy theorist comes out an makes outrageous, unambiguous claims.
2) Temperance - While his stories may be a bit far-fetched, her throws in the more normal Condy Rice portrait: "Despite all of this craziness, there is nothing strange whatsoever about Condoleeza Rice." A crazier account would find something equally ridiculous for everyone.
3) Ties to Reality - As someone above mentioned, these rumors vaguely fit in with things we know are real: eg.
Bush's former drug problems + current stupor = Lots of anti-depressants.
Also, I like how he waxes poetic with that last bit about the lonely bureaucrat.
posted by themadjuggler at 10:26 AM on April 12, 2006
1) Self-doubt - When he says "I don't have any direct information on this because the guys with him at the time are not talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible," you want to believe him because he's admitting the possibility of being wrong. Normally a conspiracy theorist comes out an makes outrageous, unambiguous claims.
2) Temperance - While his stories may be a bit far-fetched, her throws in the more normal Condy Rice portrait: "Despite all of this craziness, there is nothing strange whatsoever about Condoleeza Rice." A crazier account would find something equally ridiculous for everyone.
3) Ties to Reality - As someone above mentioned, these rumors vaguely fit in with things we know are real: eg.
Bush's former drug problems + current stupor = Lots of anti-depressants.
Also, I like how he waxes poetic with that last bit about the lonely bureaucrat.
posted by themadjuggler at 10:26 AM on April 12, 2006
Thanks, Ryvar, poppo, empath and Pollomacho.
Even if it is just a well-executed mind-fuck, it's fantastic -- an all-time classic SA thread. There are so many nifty turns of phrase (like why Condi can get away with personal websurfing, or John Bolton) mixed with really insightful things about how the WH sees Congress as a herd of cats or starry-eyed Young Republicans as a sort of cannon-fodder, and things that rang absolutely true to me -- like he says he doesn't own a TV, which matches more than one political wonk I've known (it's a cross between the temptation of addiction, the need to leave your work at work, and complete and utter disregard for the daily issue circus).
The political writer this brought to mind for me was Christopher Buckley and his classic satire The White House Mess.
Incidentally, SA clocked me out on my 20th page, so I had to switch browsers to read the last two. That thread has been locked and so it is not growing. There was also discussion about moving it to a private area within SA.
posted by dhartung at 10:26 AM on April 12, 2006
Even if it is just a well-executed mind-fuck, it's fantastic -- an all-time classic SA thread. There are so many nifty turns of phrase (like why Condi can get away with personal websurfing, or John Bolton) mixed with really insightful things about how the WH sees Congress as a herd of cats or starry-eyed Young Republicans as a sort of cannon-fodder, and things that rang absolutely true to me -- like he says he doesn't own a TV, which matches more than one political wonk I've known (it's a cross between the temptation of addiction, the need to leave your work at work, and complete and utter disregard for the daily issue circus).
The political writer this brought to mind for me was Christopher Buckley and his classic satire The White House Mess.
Incidentally, SA clocked me out on my 20th page, so I had to switch browsers to read the last two. That thread has been locked and so it is not growing. There was also discussion about moving it to a private area within SA.
posted by dhartung at 10:26 AM on April 12, 2006
"The explanation for Scottie McClellan makes as much sense as anything else."
It's actually pretty well-known among pressfolk. To be fair, that's how all press secretaries act, and that McClellan is better at it than most is well backed by many, many public accounts. I mean, the level that it's not even particularly corroborating.
posted by klangklangston at 10:40 AM on April 12, 2006
It's actually pretty well-known among pressfolk. To be fair, that's how all press secretaries act, and that McClellan is better at it than most is well backed by many, many public accounts. I mean, the level that it's not even particularly corroborating.
posted by klangklangston at 10:40 AM on April 12, 2006
you can go along with the story for a little while, and feel entertained, or completely refuse to, and feel superior.
Well, I was highly entertained without ever believing for a second it was true.
posted by CunningLinguist at 10:42 AM on April 12, 2006
Well, I was highly entertained without ever believing for a second it was true.
posted by CunningLinguist at 10:42 AM on April 12, 2006
Then congratulations! You have achieved both! Or something. Whatever, this is a silly exchange.
posted by furiousthought at 10:56 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by furiousthought at 10:56 AM on April 12, 2006
Condi Rice makes the best tacos.
posted by I Love Tacos at 10:56 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by I Love Tacos at 10:56 AM on April 12, 2006
Another choice quote :
If a plan is possible, no matter how evil-sounding, it is written down, considered, and chucked or saved. could probably, if wanted to, find a document proposing the assassination of the president of france which is of no vintage later than 20 years old. It means nothing, because many people here are busily trying to think outside the box in their action proposals, and the first thing most newbies think outside the box about is stuff beyond the pale like butchering babies or assassinating people. It's edgy! Look at me!
This is beautiful stuff.
posted by suckerpunch at 11:02 AM on April 12, 2006
If a plan is possible, no matter how evil-sounding, it is written down, considered, and chucked or saved.
This is beautiful stuff.
posted by suckerpunch at 11:02 AM on April 12, 2006
The level of detail is freaking fantastic. Wolfowitz is known for having many affairs so the pictures and cunts story was definatly amusing.
His views on the political process sound interesting and rational too
posted by stratastar at 11:10 AM on April 12, 2006
His views on the political process sound interesting and rational too
posted by stratastar at 11:10 AM on April 12, 2006
God, I love this quote:
"Cheney, I think, has some kind of reptile brain that operates on a level of humor which is so basic and ponderous that sometimes his jokes sound like regular (or particularly stupid) comments, and slip under everyone's radar."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:12 AM on April 12, 2006
"Cheney, I think, has some kind of reptile brain that operates on a level of humor which is so basic and ponderous that sometimes his jokes sound like regular (or particularly stupid) comments, and slip under everyone's radar."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:12 AM on April 12, 2006
A very entertaining piece of fan fiction.
"The White house is planting its own men among the press agents at press conferences."
That, i believe.
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 11:12 AM on April 12, 2006
"The White house is planting its own men among the press agents at press conferences."
That, i believe.
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 11:12 AM on April 12, 2006
"This is the disclosure calculus. If there is an actual prosecution which proceeds past the preliminary stages, like to an indictment, nobody will blame you for leaking. If you run too soon, you're outed as a leaker and you're finished. If you run too late, you stand a good chance of going to jail. If you leak and then the investigation stalls and then fails, you are really fucking double dog finished with your buddies. Find a new line of work, or lecture at some colleges or something. Also, there will be containment strategies which governs who squeals and who goes on a vacation of silence. This is handled by somebody within the party. If you violate the containment strategy then people get very very angry and you are finished in this town, buddy. The prosecutor's game in these situations is to freak people out enough, or cause them enough personal grief, that they violate the containment strategy and cause the house of cards to fall."
i love it!
posted by stratastar at 11:21 AM on April 12, 2006
i love it!
posted by stratastar at 11:21 AM on April 12, 2006
The view of the government sounds about right; from their perspective everything's just a tool. The problem is -- there's nothing that's going to clean up Washington. The democracy isn't broken by one side or the other; it's run by money, and if the gravy train can get by with just one more paint job, a swap out of the old corrupt officials (replaced with new, less well-known soon-to-be corrupt officials) it won't ever be scrapped. The notion that we can vote to fix it is itself part of the system.
posted by graymouser at 11:22 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by graymouser at 11:22 AM on April 12, 2006
I'm pretty sure, for myself, that this guy is working at the White House. Personally, I think he is at least (for the most part) honestly reporting what's swirling around in the WH rumour mill.
posted by Drexen at 11:38 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by Drexen at 11:38 AM on April 12, 2006
If it's not true, then it should be. Brilliant stuff.
I'm pretty conviced it is the truth, from an insider.
The Condi perfume thing is annoying though -- I can't stand the woman, especially since hearing about her New York shoe shopping trip while Katrina drowned New Orleans.
posted by mooncrow at 11:38 AM on April 12, 2006
I'm pretty conviced it is the truth, from an insider.
The Condi perfume thing is annoying though -- I can't stand the woman, especially since hearing about her New York shoe shopping trip while Katrina drowned New Orleans.
posted by mooncrow at 11:38 AM on April 12, 2006
These stories remind me of Bob Graham's diaries. Though Graham's diaries are real while these are probably not.
posted by mullacc at 11:39 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by mullacc at 11:39 AM on April 12, 2006 [1 favorite]
Cute voyeuristic details aside, this is the money quote:
Then there's this, on Katrina:
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:39 AM on April 12, 2006
Democracy as a government relies upon the ability of factions to compromise on divisive issues through rational debate instead of violence. The current political power brokers have figured out how to short circuit this process by focusing national attention on issues which are based on differences of non-negotiable, irrational moral sentiment, and are thus not subject to resolution through rational reconciliation. They've broken democracy.I don't care who he is or if he's lying, this and similar quotes are where he nails it.
Then there's this, on Katrina:
This is the one thing I can't talk about, because all of our sphincters are clenched about it still, and we are all genuinely perplexed about why the shittastrophe has not swept through the hill. I didn't see any of the press coverage when the thing hit because I was incredibly busy with something, but I did check the clippers. I think that somehow, the existence of the hurricane was so interesting and easy to report that they totally gave up on exposing our evil negligence. It's kind of like dick cheney speeding to his lawyers to cover up a major government-wide tax evasion conspiracy and hitting someone on the way, flinging incriminating documents everywhere. They're gonna report the dead body and what the fuck paper? I have to read PAPER? THERES A DEAD BODY RIGHT THERE JESUS GET THAT ON FILM.If he's a fake, he's a genius fake.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:39 AM on April 12, 2006
The mere fact that I can even fathom *half* of the claims in his thread as being true, seriously makes me consider leaving the country.
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 11:41 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 11:41 AM on April 12, 2006
The "They've broken democracy" comment is really disheartening because it is so obviously true.
Thus the immigration and abortion issue in '06. Just as we had the "blowjob" in 2000, and "God & Gays" in 2004.
As a nation, we can NOT rationally debate these issues.
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 11:44 AM on April 12, 2006
Thus the immigration and abortion issue in '06. Just as we had the "blowjob" in 2000, and "God & Gays" in 2004.
As a nation, we can NOT rationally debate these issues.
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 11:44 AM on April 12, 2006
To me, this sounds like ust amazing fiction. A friend of mine, who often has too much time on his hand, will create elaborate thoeries about individuals, then ofthen write stories in incredible detail based on these theories. They become believeable, because the theories fit in with what we know about these people, and the outrageous details are usually very well scattered.
To me, this reads a lot like that. Amazingly entertaining, possibly containing a grain of salt, but probably just faked. Great read, thank you.
posted by piratebowling at 11:45 AM on April 12, 2006
To me, this reads a lot like that. Amazingly entertaining, possibly containing a grain of salt, but probably just faked. Great read, thank you.
posted by piratebowling at 11:45 AM on April 12, 2006
man, sorry for the typos. I'm tired.
posted by piratebowling at 11:46 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by piratebowling at 11:46 AM on April 12, 2006
Martin Random was the author of the Fecal Lasagne thread on SA which was previously discussed.
posted by fullerine at 11:50 AM on April 12, 2006
posted by fullerine at 11:50 AM on April 12, 2006
"Cheney, I think, has some kind of reptile brain"
Indeed.
posted by homunculus at 12:48 PM on April 12, 2006
Indeed.
posted by homunculus at 12:48 PM on April 12, 2006
I don't know how much of this is true, but his list of ways to fix the system is 100% dead on, not to mention nonpartisan:
A) Democrats win clear majority in either House or Senate and initiate investigations.
B) Massive campaign finance reform,
C) supreme court's money = free speech ruling overturned,
D) corporations no longer given the rights of people.
Edit: While I'm at it
E) End all tax subsidies. Fuck, reform the entire tax code.
F) Bring back the estate tax and sharply tax estates worth over 50 million.
G) Switch back to a college grant system instead of a loan system
H) Pass a law making it an ethics violation to appoint anyone who has helped with your campaign to any judicial or administrative positions.
posted by dyaseen at 12:53 PM on April 12, 2006
A) Democrats win clear majority in either House or Senate and initiate investigations.
B) Massive campaign finance reform,
C) supreme court's money = free speech ruling overturned,
D) corporations no longer given the rights of people.
Edit: While I'm at it
E) End all tax subsidies. Fuck, reform the entire tax code.
F) Bring back the estate tax and sharply tax estates worth over 50 million.
G) Switch back to a college grant system instead of a loan system
H) Pass a law making it an ethics violation to appoint anyone who has helped with your campaign to any judicial or administrative positions.
posted by dyaseen at 12:53 PM on April 12, 2006
Uh, I meant everything after the first one was nonpartisan.
posted by dyaseen at 1:05 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by dyaseen at 1:05 PM on April 12, 2006
Ok, This is a well written hoax. The major slip up was saying they were able to get rid of Ridge because Brownie screwed things up. Ridge was already long gone. Chertoff was running things by then.
I've enjoyed the hell out of it myself.
posted by prodigalsun at 1:45 PM on April 12, 2006
I've enjoyed the hell out of it myself.
posted by prodigalsun at 1:45 PM on April 12, 2006
That freaking SA thread is growing faster than I can read it.
posted by spock at 1:58 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by spock at 1:58 PM on April 12, 2006
Reminds me of this, somehow: "I immediately recognized The Ibogaine Effect -- from Muskie's tearful breakdown on the flatbed truck in New Hampshire, the delusions and altered thinking that characterized his campaign in Florida, and finally the condition of "total rage" that gripped him in Wisconsin." - Hunter S. Thompson.
posted by dilettante at 2:08 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by dilettante at 2:08 PM on April 12, 2006
That freaking SA thread is growing faster than I can read it.
Actually, it's been closed/locked since the 10th. Given that threads are locked by the author, I guess he wrote everything he wanted to.
posted by smackfu at 2:21 PM on April 12, 2006
Actually, it's been closed/locked since the 10th. Given that threads are locked by the author, I guess he wrote everything he wanted to.
posted by smackfu at 2:21 PM on April 12, 2006
Piss poor
posted by Joeforking at 2:50 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by Joeforking at 2:50 PM on April 12, 2006
The other thing that gives it away is that he talks about how D.C. is dangerous, and he hates it. Please.
posted by stratastar at 3:03 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by stratastar at 3:03 PM on April 12, 2006
This is actually the least believable anecdote, but it is recorded historical fact, and I encourage anyone who is interested to research it and discover its truth for themselves. Back in the very beginning, on an anniversary of the states were joining the union, they'd send gifts. Philledelphia or Vermont, or one of those states, gave a gigantic, wagon-sized wheel of cheese. It was kept in a room and whenever there was a social event, they'd run in there, cut off the disgusting rancid mold, and start serving the still-good undercheese. After they had mined the thing and pockmarked it enough that cutting off the rancid portions was really difficult, they wheeled it out and rolled it down a hill into the river. The room has been remodelled several times but still people complain about the odor, so it is seldom used, not even for storage. I personally can't smell anything in there, so I think a lot of it is just a placebo effect.
I have heard the cheese wheel story before as well. There was even an early Sorkin-era West Wing show involving it. And I laughed out loud about it being rolled down a hill into the river.
True stuff or not, it's still funny.
posted by ninjew at 3:25 PM on April 12, 2006
I have heard the cheese wheel story before as well. There was even an early Sorkin-era West Wing show involving it. And I laughed out loud about it being rolled down a hill into the river.
True stuff or not, it's still funny.
posted by ninjew at 3:25 PM on April 12, 2006
Well, I've had two friends mugged in D.C....
Yeah, he slipped on the Cheney/Rumsfeld IED-in-the-pants thing, and the Ridge/Chertoff business too. Ridge resigned right after the election and Chertoff was confirmed last February. After Katrina it actually did seem like Chertoff was going to fall on his sword, too, for a few days, but he didn't -- that may have helped the confusion. Nevertheless, Ridge is one squirrelly dude, and he was almost Defense Secretary instead of Rumsfeld. Can you imagine?
I kinda hinted above that my theory is that there were broad hints in the thread that it was being cooked up behind the scenes -- and possibly "Martin Random" is a composite persona. I know they've done something along those lines in the past. Still, some damned good conjecture, and I don't even care if the shit about iced jammies is silly and over the top, there is great writing there, funny and insightful.
I'm bummed that nobody picked up on my thread title, which is an allusion to the brilliant Peter O'Toole satire The Ruling Class. It gave me the same giddy laugh-myself-silly apoplexy.
posted by dhartung at 3:28 PM on April 12, 2006
Yeah, he slipped on the Cheney/Rumsfeld IED-in-the-pants thing, and the Ridge/Chertoff business too. Ridge resigned right after the election and Chertoff was confirmed last February. After Katrina it actually did seem like Chertoff was going to fall on his sword, too, for a few days, but he didn't -- that may have helped the confusion. Nevertheless, Ridge is one squirrelly dude, and he was almost Defense Secretary instead of Rumsfeld. Can you imagine?
I kinda hinted above that my theory is that there were broad hints in the thread that it was being cooked up behind the scenes -- and possibly "Martin Random" is a composite persona. I know they've done something along those lines in the past. Still, some damned good conjecture, and I don't even care if the shit about iced jammies is silly and over the top, there is great writing there, funny and insightful.
I'm bummed that nobody picked up on my thread title, which is an allusion to the brilliant Peter O'Toole satire The Ruling Class. It gave me the same giddy laugh-myself-silly apoplexy.
posted by dhartung at 3:28 PM on April 12, 2006
At first I thought this has to be a joke, then I found it remarkably believable. The replies were so great. In the end though I returned to the assertion that Rumsfeld iced his underwear and couldn't believe I had fallen for it even for a second.
posted by xammerboy at 4:09 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by xammerboy at 4:09 PM on April 12, 2006
It's great, wether or not it's real.
posted by Dean Keaton at 4:13 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by Dean Keaton at 4:13 PM on April 12, 2006
'Iced his underwear' - why slip up early when you've got a lot more solid stuff to rely on later?
posted by RufusW at 4:22 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by RufusW at 4:22 PM on April 12, 2006
my analysis:
he's the real deal.
but to distract he throws things in he heard from colleagues, so he is low-mid in the WH, with anecdotes from mid-mid and a few personal encounters.
still, the Diebold Ohio elections will come to haunt the USA.
posted by Substrata at 4:32 PM on April 12, 2006
he's the real deal.
but to distract he throws things in he heard from colleagues, so he is low-mid in the WH, with anecdotes from mid-mid and a few personal encounters.
still, the Diebold Ohio elections will come to haunt the USA.
posted by Substrata at 4:32 PM on April 12, 2006
You know, I almost want dios to respond to this thread. Not because I think these stories are true or that he'd be offended, but because I think it'd be kind of neat to be laughing with him for once.
posted by JHarris at 7:31 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by JHarris at 7:31 PM on April 12, 2006
I really wanted to believe this stuff -- and maybe still do believe some of it is vaguely true -- but the fact that your man Martin Random also wrote the story about the crazy roommate that fullerine mentioned above makes me really really suspicious that this is just a dude who likes to entertain people.
I also find it interesting that he claims that the story about the cheese is "actually the least believable anecdote" but is likely the most well-known and believable one of all. Methinks he's a smart writer trying to throw people off the trail. He's a pretty smart rhetorician in a way...
posted by lazywhinerkid at 8:32 PM on April 12, 2006
I also find it interesting that he claims that the story about the cheese is "actually the least believable anecdote" but is likely the most well-known and believable one of all. Methinks he's a smart writer trying to throw people off the trail. He's a pretty smart rhetorician in a way...
posted by lazywhinerkid at 8:32 PM on April 12, 2006
Yeah, Random is one clever sonofabitch whether this is true or not...I'm strongly suspecting not but at times I found myself believing in spite of myself. That is DAMN good writing (again, whether true or not).
posted by Edgewise at 9:03 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by Edgewise at 9:03 PM on April 12, 2006
The very very cogent analysis of what's wrong with government that he sneaks in there is some of the most effective propaganda (in a good way) that I've seen in ages. It sucks people in with the gossip, doesn't beat you over the head with preachiness, but gets across a very good argument that most of the audience will take away and understand whether they believe the juicy bits or not.
If there are guys as smart as him who drink the republican koolaid no wonder they have such scary electoral success.
posted by Space Coyote at 9:12 PM on April 12, 2006
If there are guys as smart as him who drink the republican koolaid no wonder they have such scary electoral success.
posted by Space Coyote at 9:12 PM on April 12, 2006
.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 11:36 PM on April 12, 2006
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 11:36 PM on April 12, 2006
If there are guys as smart as him who drink the republican koolaid no wonder they have such scary electoral success.
How much of it is his intelligence, and how much is just the perspective granted from his position?
In any case Space Coyote, not all of us can decouple intelligence from moral sense.
posted by JHarris at 11:58 PM on April 12, 2006
How much of it is his intelligence, and how much is just the perspective granted from his position?
In any case Space Coyote, not all of us can decouple intelligence from moral sense.
posted by JHarris at 11:58 PM on April 12, 2006
He claims that Rumsfeld has pleurisy that causes him to closely-control his laughter and breathing. Pleurisy is an inflammation of the pleura, which is a membrane surrounding the lungs. I've had pleurisy, and it sucks. But I've never heard of chronic pleurisy, so this makes me think he's making the whole thing up. Any MeFi doctors want to clear that up for me?
posted by moonbiter at 3:01 AM on April 13, 2006
posted by moonbiter at 3:01 AM on April 13, 2006
You can have pleurisy for a while, my friend had the effects for at least 8 months. I can imagine an old man might have it for longer. YMMV
It is a great meme and very much post worthy independent of any truthiness in the gossip.
As he has done it before with the room-mate story, it would be amazing if the same person were to live in such interesting times.
posted by asok at 4:45 AM on April 13, 2006
It is a great meme and very much post worthy independent of any truthiness in the gossip.
As he has done it before with the room-mate story, it would be amazing if the same person were to live in such interesting times.
posted by asok at 4:45 AM on April 13, 2006
If there are guys as smart as him who drink the republican koolaid no wonder they have such scary electoral success.
Well, one of the points I thought he was trying to make is that the whole game is about power, and ideology is just a convenient tool.
posted by mecran01 at 6:38 AM on April 13, 2006
Well, one of the points I thought he was trying to make is that the whole game is about power, and ideology is just a convenient tool.
posted by mecran01 at 6:38 AM on April 13, 2006
Apparently he shut the thread down soon after someone pointed out that he claimed to be in law school only a few months ago.
I stayed up way too late reading this last night. Good writer and maybe even a budding political theorist.
posted by donkelly at 10:01 PM on April 14, 2006
I stayed up way too late reading this last night. Good writer and maybe even a budding political theorist.
posted by donkelly at 10:01 PM on April 14, 2006
« Older pop | Weapons of mass obfuscation... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
Surely some tipping point has been reached when the WH has leaks coming out at SA. I wonder if there are so many nowadays they can't begin to police them, or if that's the theory he's using. Or if it's real at all (hey, the SA crowd give him plenty of shit and he doesn't fold). There are some hilarious bits in there, like the whole bit Condi Rice's perfume, or the White House cheese. The explanation for Scottie McClellan makes as much sense as anything else. I just wish he'd had something about Bush's backpack.
I really liked his description of the inside reaction to an unfolding (or threatening) scandal, though.
posted by dhartung at 9:02 AM on April 12, 2006