In the beginning there was the Computer.

September 24, 2006 3:03 PM

And God said
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH"

Oops.
posted by moonshine (46 comments total)

Well that was written by someone who has hardly used a command line.
posted by bonaldi at 3:06 PM on September 24, 2006

compare
posted by bonaldi at 3:07 PM on September 24, 2006

Both examples equally uproarious.
posted by NinjaTadpole at 3:09 PM on September 24, 2006

This is closer to funny. But they seem to have got rid of the Noah story which is the best bit.
posted by riotgrrl69 at 3:23 PM on September 24, 2006

Humanity has left IRC (Excess flood)

posted by riotgrrl69 at 3:23 PM on September 24, 2006

oh. the link vanished. it is here.
posted by riotgrrl69 at 3:24 PM on September 24, 2006

"Well that was written by someone who has hardly used a command line."
posted by bonaldi at 9:06 AM AEST on September 25

Indeed.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:24 PM on September 24, 2006

Save some time and just view the source.
posted by furtive at 3:26 PM on September 24, 2006

Since it takes forever to s l o w l y d i s p l a y a trite and pointless story, you can use view source to get it over with more quickly.
posted by orthogonality at 3:29 PM on September 24, 2006

I am not amused.
posted by c:\awesome at 3:31 PM on September 24, 2006

This is so unfunny that I suspect it was created by Christians.
posted by Artw at 3:31 PM on September 24, 2006

So it's true that in the beginning there was the command line.
posted by drezdn at 3:40 PM on September 24, 2006

This makes no sense. I too suspect a christian hand.
posted by phrontist at 3:45 PM on September 24, 2006

This would be the protestant god, according to Umberto Eco.
posted by jam_pony at 3:52 PM on September 24, 2006

The Unix god would get a better result with a 3-line script and go back to his other inscrutable shell.
posted by jam_pony at 4:05 PM on September 24, 2006

Oh jesus, thank you furtive. That was taking forever.
posted by moonbiter at 4:07 PM on September 24, 2006

while i might suspect a christian at work here, i found this link quite enjoyable.

throughout history, creation stories have been made by humans in order to explain that nagging existential question: why do we exist? the athenians had their myths with titans and gods appearing from static, the christians their garden, the scientists their big bang.

the absurdity of the explanations of athenians, christians, or scientists is demonstrative of any creation story, and indeed any idea which tries to explain something comin from nothing.

personally i have no idea how something came from nothing, and do not suspect how i ever will comprehend this feat the universe has achieved. my props to the universe.

regardless, i have always found creation stories to be incredibly interesting because a: its always funny, and b: it tells you a lot about the people who created the creation story.

maybe we should all tell our own. it was fun and also other things to see the one linked to here. i'd be interested to know what story other users might tell... email me
posted by localhuman at 4:12 PM on September 24, 2006

"You have exceeded your allocated file space."

I knew it. Hey, God? Let's see you divide by zero!
posted by loquacious at 4:13 PM on September 24, 2006

_{"In the beginning there was the Computer.",
"And God said",
"C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT!",
"Enter user-id.",
"C:\>GOD",
"Enter password.",
"C:\>OMNISCIENT",
"Password incorrect. Try again.",
"C:\>OMNIPOTENT",
"Password incorrect. Try again.",
"C:\>TECHNOCRAT",
"And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 1.",
"C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT!",
"Unrecognisable command. Try again.",
"C:\>CREATE LIGHT",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.",
"And God logged off at 00:01:00, day 1.",
" ",
"And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 2.",
"C:\>LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF WATER AND LIGHT",
"Unrecognisable command. Try again..",
"C:\>CREATE FIRMAMENT",
"Done.",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.",
"And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 2.",
" ",
"And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 3.",
"C:\>LET THE WATERS UNDER HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR",
"Too many characters in specification string. Try again.",
"C:\>CREATE DRY_LAND",
"Done.",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"C:\>LET THE EARTH PRODUCE FRESH GROWTH, LET THERE BE ON THE EARTH PLANTS",
"Too many characters in specification string. Try again.",
"C:\>CREATE PLANTS",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"So it was; the Earth yielded fresh growth, plants bearing seed. And God saw that there were 0 errors.",
"And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 3.",
" ",
"And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 4.",
"C:\>CREATE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT",
"Unspecified type. Try again.",
"C:\>CREATE SUN_MOON_STARS",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"These lights governed day and night and separated light from darkness. And God saw there were 0 errors.",
"And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 4.",
" ",
"And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 5.",
"C:\>CREATE FISH",
"Done",
"C:\>CREATE FOWL",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw that there were 0 errors.",
"And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 5.",
" ",
"And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 6.",
"C:\>CREATE CATTLE",
"Done",
"C:\>CREATE CREEPY_THINGS",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH",
"C:\>NOW LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE",
"Unspecified type. Try again.",
"C:\>CREATE MAN",
"Done",
"C:\>BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND REPLENISH THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR AND OVER EVERY LIVING THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH",
"Too many command operands. Try again.",
"C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION",
"Execution terminated. 6 errors.",
"C:\>INSERT BREATH",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION",
"Execution terminated. 5 errors.",
"C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN OF EDEN",
"File Garden of Eden does not exist.",
"C:\>CREATE GARDEN.EDN",
"Done",
"C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN.EDN",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION",
"Execution terminated. 4 errors.",
"C:\>COPY WOMAN FROM MAN",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION",
"Execution terminated. 3 errors.",
"C:\>CREATE DESIRE",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION",
"Execution terminated. 2 errors.",
"C:\>CREATE FREEWILL",
"Done",
"C:\>RUN FREEWILL",
"And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn",
"Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.",
"C:\>UNDO DESIRE",
"Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.",
"C:\>DELETE FREEWILL",
"Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.",
"Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.",
"C:\>HELP",
"Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.",
"Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.",
"Try again, cancel or quit program.",
"Try again",
"Try again, cancel or quit program.",
"cancel",
"Try again, cancel or quit program.",
"quit",
"Try again, cancel or quit program.",
"C:\>CREATE TREE_OF_KNOWLEDGE",
"And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn",
"Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.",
"C:\>CREATE GOOD, EVIL",
"Done",
"C:\>ACTIVATE EVIL",
"And God saw he had created shame.",
"Warning system error. Missing or corrupt file: Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.",
"C:\>SCAN GARDEN.EDN FOR MAN, WOMAN",
"Search failed.",
"C:\>DELETE SHAME",
"Shame cannot be deleted. File may be in use by Freewill.",
"C:\>DELETE FREEWILL",
"Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.",
"Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.",
"C:\>STOP",
"Unrecognizable command. Try again",
"C:\>BREAK",
"C:\>BREAK",
"C:\>BREAK",
"ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR MAINTENANCE IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.",
"C:\>CREATE NEW WORLD",
"You have exceeded your allocated file space.",
"You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.",
"C:\>DESTROY EARTH",
"Destroy earth: Please confirm.",
"COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.",
"SERVICES WILL RESUME day 8 AT 00:00:00",
"YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.",
"And God logged off at 23:59:59, day 6.",
" ",
"And God rested."}

posted by delmoi at 4:23 PM on September 24, 2006

More like Zork than command-line execution.

>Go west.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
posted by exlotuseater at 4:27 PM on September 24, 2006

You are likely to be eaten by Esau.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 5:11 PM on September 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

>Go John 3:16

It is dark here. You are most likely eating binder's glue.
posted by loquacious at 5:11 PM on September 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

the athenians had their myths with titans and gods appearing from static, the christians their garden, the scientists their big bang.

The big bang is not an attempt to explain why we exist, or why there is something rather than nothing. It's an explanation of why the universe is expanding.
posted by riotgrrl69 at 5:12 PM on September 24, 2006 [2 favorites]

Damn you soundofsuburbia. I knew I shouldn't have slept through bible seminary.
posted by loquacious at 5:12 PM on September 24, 2006

"Well that was written by someone who has hardly used a command line."

Kids these days don't know their MS-DOS from their MSG... pssh... KIDS....
posted by odasaku at 5:19 PM on September 24, 2006

I have God's password.
posted by NationalKato at 5:34 PM on September 24, 2006

Surely if God is omnipotent he wouldn't be stuck with a DOS prompt. God would use BASH, or at least sh (as 'root', of course).
posted by clevershark at 5:36 PM on September 24, 2006

> % "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
> Unmatched ".
...25/Jan/1995
posted by unmake at 5:50 PM on September 24, 2006

Here's the original when it was just a UNIX joke
posted by khaibit at 6:05 PM on September 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

God would use BASH, or at least sh (as 'root', of course).

God uses csh.

Satan uses ksh.

This is why Satan is winning.

# cd ~/pub ; more beer

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; done; sleep
posted by eriko at 6:31 PM on September 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

But the eternal question is: does God use vi or emacs?
posted by clevershark at 6:33 PM on September 24, 2006

Thanks khaibit, I knew this was really old. I'm pretty sure I read this eight or ten years ago. Damn funny, but not new.
posted by quin at 6:35 PM on September 24, 2006

Cthulhu does not use command line. HE HACKS INTO THE SYSTEM, CONSUMES YOUR PRECIOUS FIREWALL WITH HIS DARK AND SWARTHY TENTACLES AND EATS YOUR SOUL.
posted by moonbird at 6:38 PM on September 24, 2006

But the eternal question is: does God use vi or emacs?

TECO.
posted by eriko at 6:48 PM on September 24, 2006

FPPs like this are why I desire Meatflitter carnally. And who cares how old the doohickey is when I've never seen it before?

And by the way, davy likes Nano.
posted by davy at 8:24 PM on September 24, 2006

I would think the correct filename would be Eden.gdn, but eh.
posted by casarkos at 9:25 PM on September 24, 2006

Cthulhu does not use command line. HE HACKS INTO THE SYSTEM, CONSUMES YOUR PRECIOUS FIREWALL WITH HIS DARK AND SWARTHY TENTACLES AND EATS YOUR SOUL.

Cthulhu is then round-house kicked by Chuck Norris.
posted by ZachsMind at 9:51 PM on September 24, 2006

"meh" for about 8.5 seconds.

though an idea was there
posted by Kudos at 10:00 PM on September 24, 2006

I hate myself for saying this, but...

My God was that ever boring.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 10:06 PM on September 24, 2006

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
posted by oxford blue at 10:23 PM on September 24, 2006

It was OK, but really the only great part was
"And he saw there were 0 errors" instead of "And it was good."
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:16 PM on September 24, 2006

agreed, blf
posted by darkstar at 11:54 PM on September 24, 2006

I kind of liked it.
posted by MrMustard at 5:55 AM on September 25, 2006

I have God's password.
posted by NationalKato

Ah, but do you have a computer that can connect to his network?

BEEP - you have prayers
posted by talitha at 6:16 AM on September 25, 2006

What I don't get is why God logs off - what dies the bug guy do in his downtime? Presumably he's up for the marathon keyboard session of doing the entire thing at once.
posted by GuyZero at 9:38 AM on September 25, 2006

Date: Sat, Mar 22 1997 12:00 am

So, nine years. And better as a flat file, I must say. That terminal idea is clever but waaay to slow.

C:\Insert man into woman

ASCII porn.
posted by quin at 9:50 AM on September 25, 2006