Pony Express for the Damned
December 26, 2006 12:06 PM Subscribe
Write letters to your unsaved friends. When the rapture comes, this guy will mail them.
Some of our personal sins include: drunkenness, heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, laciviousness, and sloth.
All at once? I'm impressed.
*gets to work on his sloth*
Dammit...
posted by jonmc at 12:12 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
All at once? I'm impressed.
*gets to work on his sloth*
Dammit...
posted by jonmc at 12:12 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
How Do We Know that You Will Not Ascend To Heaven with Us?posted by niles at 12:13 PM on December 26, 2006
The Bible says that only those that repent of their sins and accept Jesus as the True Son of God will be saved. We do neither. Some of our personal sins include: drunkenness, heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, laciviousness, and sloth. There is no way we are going to disappear into Heaven any time soon.
Perhaps you would leave instructions to care for your pets after your departure
Can anyone tell me what kind of cruel God won't let pets into heaven?
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 12:20 PM on December 26, 2006
Can anyone tell me what kind of cruel God won't let pets into heaven?
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 12:20 PM on December 26, 2006
jonmc: "*gets to work on his sloth*"
Hurry up, damnit! God's coming home soon, and if you haven't met your sloth quota, boy is he gonna be pissed. It's not going to sloth itself!
posted by Plutor at 12:21 PM on December 26, 2006
Hurry up, damnit! God's coming home soon, and if you haven't met your sloth quota, boy is he gonna be pissed. It's not going to sloth itself!
posted by Plutor at 12:21 PM on December 26, 2006
is this the As Seen on TV version, or a crappy ripoff?
posted by wumpus at 12:25 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by wumpus at 12:25 PM on December 26, 2006
It's not going to sloth itself!
*slothes self*
I feel so dirty!
and not in that good way...
posted by jonmc at 12:27 PM on December 26, 2006
*slothes self*
I feel so dirty!
and not in that good way...
posted by jonmc at 12:27 PM on December 26, 2006
Dear Metafilter:
Thank you for tolerating our presence for all these years. It was fun - enjoyed the rabbits and the pancakes. Konolia sends best regards.
-B_B
p.s. don't scratch the boils it makes them worse.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:28 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
Thank you for tolerating our presence for all these years. It was fun - enjoyed the rabbits and the pancakes. Konolia sends best regards.
-B_B
p.s. don't scratch the boils it makes them worse.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:28 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
I think it would be funnier if they were Catholics instead of atheists.
"You're a Catholic, huh? I figured you'd have them horns comin' out of your head."
posted by thecaddy at 12:28 PM on December 26, 2006
"You're a Catholic, huh? I figured you'd have them horns comin' out of your head."
posted by thecaddy at 12:28 PM on December 26, 2006
Can anyone tell me what kind of cruel God won't let pets into heaven?
That'd be the Christian God. Sorry, but pets don't have souls. If you want pets, convert to Islam and start thinking of virgins as pets.
Great link, cracked me up :)
posted by eparchos at 12:42 PM on December 26, 2006
That'd be the Christian God. Sorry, but pets don't have souls. If you want pets, convert to Islam and start thinking of virgins as pets.
Great link, cracked me up :)
posted by eparchos at 12:42 PM on December 26, 2006
jonmc writes "Some of our personal sins include: drunkenness, heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, laciviousness, and sloth.
"All at once? I'm impressed."
Dude, if you can't do all of those at once then you seriously need to turn in your credentials. Come on, man! Show a little apathy!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:43 PM on December 26, 2006
"All at once? I'm impressed."
Dude, if you can't do all of those at once then you seriously need to turn in your credentials. Come on, man! Show a little apathy!
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:43 PM on December 26, 2006
It cost money!!!!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:46 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:46 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
I am hiring myself out as a post rapture cat-sitting service for the saved. Seriously. You wouldn't believe the Venn diagram intersection of suckers, cat owners, and Christian fundamentalists.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:55 PM on December 26, 2006 [4 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:55 PM on December 26, 2006 [4 favorites]
Dude, if you can't do all of those at once then you seriously need to turn in your credentials. Come on, man! Show a little apathy!
Well, I can usually manage drunkenness and lasciviousness at once, and on a good day I can throw in some heresy. The gluttony usually comes before the drunkeness which can sometimes lead to sacrilige if I happen to vomit on on something sacred. But all that is hard work, which 86's the sloth.
It's a tough racket, man.
posted by jonmc at 12:56 PM on December 26, 2006
Well, I can usually manage drunkenness and lasciviousness at once, and on a good day I can throw in some heresy. The gluttony usually comes before the drunkeness which can sometimes lead to sacrilige if I happen to vomit on on something sacred. But all that is hard work, which 86's the sloth.
It's a tough racket, man.
posted by jonmc at 12:56 PM on December 26, 2006
if you can't do all of those at once then you seriously need to turn in your credentials.
Serious heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, and laciviousness require a level of effort that's incompatible with sloth. Especially all at once.
Sloth makes a great chaser, though.
posted by namespan at 12:57 PM on December 26, 2006
Serious heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, and laciviousness require a level of effort that's incompatible with sloth. Especially all at once.
Sloth makes a great chaser, though.
posted by namespan at 12:57 PM on December 26, 2006
Beware the seven deadly dwarves.
posted by hal9k at 1:01 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by hal9k at 1:01 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
Pridey, Drunky, Cursey, Piggy, Lazy, Greedy and Cock?
posted by jonmc at 1:04 PM on December 26, 2006 [7 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 1:04 PM on December 26, 2006 [7 favorites]
Hey, if you're guilty of one it's like you're guilty of all of them.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:06 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:06 PM on December 26, 2006
OH! Someone making fun of Christians and their silly beliefs! How Novel! How EDGY!
(though the title 'God Hates FAQS' did make me laugh)
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 1:07 PM on December 26, 2006
(though the title 'God Hates FAQS' did make me laugh)
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 1:07 PM on December 26, 2006
To my damned friend,
Ha ha!
Love,
chrominance
P.S. For the last time, please return my lawnmower. Just because I don't need it any more doesn't mean my heathen wife and kids won't.
posted by chrominance at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
Ha ha!
Love,
chrominance
P.S. For the last time, please return my lawnmower. Just because I don't need it any more doesn't mean my heathen wife and kids won't.
posted by chrominance at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
What would be funny would be a Christian send-up of hyper-atheist Dawkins style humor. Like that Glenn Beck post but more specifically relig-y.
And after that form gets old, you can send up the send-up by OH GOD KILL ME I WANT TO BE BORN BEFORE THE POSTMODERN ERA
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2006
And after that form gets old, you can send up the send-up by OH GOD KILL ME I WANT TO BE BORN BEFORE THE POSTMODERN ERA
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2006
Eh, it's the Holidays, nobody wants to work that hard.
posted by jonmc at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by jonmc at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2006
What would be funny would be a Christian send-up of hyper-atheist Dawkins [...]
I thought he was a parody already? Wait, is he serious?
posted by tkolar at 1:15 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
I thought he was a parody already? Wait, is he serious?
posted by tkolar at 1:15 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
I just have a deadman switch at my computer which needs to be pressed every eight hours, if it isn't pressed, a turtle is released from it's cage, the turtle walks over to a carrot hanging from a shelf, it pulls the carrot, which causes a bearing to roll down a plank and then hit another switch which turns on a warning klaxon and flashing light in an attempt to wake me up. At this point I have an additional hour to push the stop button.
After the hour countdown is carried out through the use of a CMOS555 Timer Chip, a small squirrel is released from another cage (it did not share a cage with the turtle— that wouldn't make sense). The squirrel chews through a rope which releases the door on a box containing every letter to be mailed out in the event of my demise/rapture, dropping them into my waiting mail box. A series of levers and pulleys then turns the flag on the box to alert my mailperson of a need for pickup.
The only problem I've had with this system has been that two squirrels have died so far, and every few years I need to add additional postage to the letters. Whenever I meet someone new, I add their letter to the pile, even if we date once.
posted by drezdn at 1:19 PM on December 26, 2006 [12 favorites]
After the hour countdown is carried out through the use of a CMOS555 Timer Chip, a small squirrel is released from another cage (it did not share a cage with the turtle— that wouldn't make sense). The squirrel chews through a rope which releases the door on a box containing every letter to be mailed out in the event of my demise/rapture, dropping them into my waiting mail box. A series of levers and pulleys then turns the flag on the box to alert my mailperson of a need for pickup.
The only problem I've had with this system has been that two squirrels have died so far, and every few years I need to add additional postage to the letters. Whenever I meet someone new, I add their letter to the pile, even if we date once.
posted by drezdn at 1:19 PM on December 26, 2006 [12 favorites]
But what happens if the turtle rapture comes?
posted by Partial Law at 1:25 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by Partial Law at 1:25 PM on December 26, 2006
But what happens if the turtle rapture comes?
Then we fall back on the sloth.
posted by hal9k at 1:30 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
Then we fall back on the sloth.
posted by hal9k at 1:30 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
The turtle picking was based on a strict interview process to weed out rapturable turtles. The turtle I hired was prone to onanism, beat his wife and doesn't keep the sabbath holy, if you know what I mean.
posted by drezdn at 1:32 PM on December 26, 2006 [3 favorites]
posted by drezdn at 1:32 PM on December 26, 2006 [3 favorites]
Wow, wouldn't it be embarassing if you did this, the Rapture actually came, and you were left behind?
posted by sleeplessunderwater at 1:38 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by sleeplessunderwater at 1:38 PM on December 26, 2006
Wow, wouldn't it be embarassing if you did this, the Rapture actually came, and you were left behind?
Well, at least you'll be able to check these guys are actually sending out your post. And there'll be plenty of lawyers left to sue them if they don't!
posted by Luddite at 1:47 PM on December 26, 2006
Well, at least you'll be able to check these guys are actually sending out your post. And there'll be plenty of lawyers left to sue them if they don't!
posted by Luddite at 1:47 PM on December 26, 2006
After the hour countdown is carried out through the use of a CMOS555 Timer Chip.
*TWEET*
Personal foul, actually using a 555 timer chip as a timer, 15 Ω penalty, first down.
posted by eriko at 2:14 PM on December 26, 2006 [2 favorites]
*TWEET*
Personal foul, actually using a 555 timer chip as a timer, 15 Ω penalty, first down.
posted by eriko at 2:14 PM on December 26, 2006 [2 favorites]
Dear Unshaved Friend--
Well, I warned you about letting your beard grow, but did you listen ... what? Unsaved? Oh.
Nevermind.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:14 PM on December 26, 2006
Well, I warned you about letting your beard grow, but did you listen ... what? Unsaved? Oh.
Nevermind.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:14 PM on December 26, 2006
Can anyone tell me what kind of cruel God won't let pets into heaven?
"A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones. And their passing moods may reflect the passing moods of others." -Sherlock Holmes, "The Adventure of the Creeping Man"
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:20 PM on December 26, 2006
"A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones. And their passing moods may reflect the passing moods of others." -Sherlock Holmes, "The Adventure of the Creeping Man"
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:20 PM on December 26, 2006
(Or Conan Doyle 3:16, if you prefer.)
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:22 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:22 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
Some of our personal sins include: drunkenness, heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy...
...spelling.
(A truly awesome God would totally leave you behind for spelling.)
posted by CunningLinguist at 2:41 PM on December 26, 2006
...spelling.
(A truly awesome God would totally leave you behind for spelling.)
posted by CunningLinguist at 2:41 PM on December 26, 2006
Heh, the Post-rapture survival guide -- aka the Bible -- is out of stock. That's funny.
posted by greatgefilte at 2:54 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by greatgefilte at 2:54 PM on December 26, 2006
Personally I can't wait for the rapture. Imagine how little traffic there'll be on the freeways.
Lines will be shorter, tickets for big events will be easier to get.
Government would get something done once gay marriage, the fate of the ten commandments in government buildings and prayer in school become the non-issues they should be.
None of my habits will be affected. I'll still read this godless website. I'll still listen to my godless rock 'n' roll. There will still be great movies from those sodomites in Hollywood. The only video games I won't be able to play will be any future entries in the "Left Behind" series, but I hear they suck anyway.
7th Heaven will finally go off the air, so will Fox News. I can sleep in Sunday mornings without worrying about some putz knocking on my door to bring me the "Good News." The benefits are limitless.
This rapture thing sounds totally rad.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:23 PM on December 26, 2006 [4 favorites]
Lines will be shorter, tickets for big events will be easier to get.
Government would get something done once gay marriage, the fate of the ten commandments in government buildings and prayer in school become the non-issues they should be.
None of my habits will be affected. I'll still read this godless website. I'll still listen to my godless rock 'n' roll. There will still be great movies from those sodomites in Hollywood. The only video games I won't be able to play will be any future entries in the "Left Behind" series, but I hear they suck anyway.
7th Heaven will finally go off the air, so will Fox News. I can sleep in Sunday mornings without worrying about some putz knocking on my door to bring me the "Good News." The benefits are limitless.
This rapture thing sounds totally rad.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:23 PM on December 26, 2006 [4 favorites]
Serious heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, and laciviousness require a level of effort that's incompatible with sloth.
Fuck God, the father and thus the important part of the trinity up the nethers with one of my neighbour's delicious pancakes while I eat the other 27. I'd do it, but typing it is easier.
What did I miss?
posted by Sparx at 3:31 PM on December 26, 2006
Fuck God, the father and thus the important part of the trinity up the nethers with one of my neighbour's delicious pancakes while I eat the other 27. I'd do it, but typing it is easier.
What did I miss?
posted by Sparx at 3:31 PM on December 26, 2006
I was going to do something about my sloth, but screw that. I'll get around to it tomorrow.
posted by clevershark at 3:50 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by clevershark at 3:50 PM on December 26, 2006
Personally I can't wait for the rapture. Imagine how little traffic there'll be on the freeways.
If you're worried about what will become of the saved's automobiles....well, the Russian mob already won the Rapture Car Recovery contract in a rigged bid. The saved's carburetors will be powering jalopies in Cartagena by nightfall.
posted by jonmc at 4:04 PM on December 26, 2006
If you're worried about what will become of the saved's automobiles....well, the Russian mob already won the Rapture Car Recovery contract in a rigged bid. The saved's carburetors will be powering jalopies in Cartagena by nightfall.
posted by jonmc at 4:04 PM on December 26, 2006
I was driving behind a car with a Jesus fish and and RAPTURE ALERT! bumper sticker last week. I totally forgot that I meant to look up what kind of batshittery goes on at that site so I'm glad I saw this. Turns out they have some completely fucking awesome videos in the "Videos & Stuff" section.
The woman in the car was a rather normal looking older black woman and I was a little let down by that. I sped up and positioned myself to be next to her at a red light so I could get a good look because I assumed she was completely insane. I guess I figured her eyeballs would be rolling around all googly like and she'd flop out on the sidewalk speaking in tongues or something.
posted by The Straightener at 4:05 PM on December 26, 2006
The woman in the car was a rather normal looking older black woman and I was a little let down by that. I sped up and positioned myself to be next to her at a red light so I could get a good look because I assumed she was completely insane. I guess I figured her eyeballs would be rolling around all googly like and she'd flop out on the sidewalk speaking in tongues or something.
posted by The Straightener at 4:05 PM on December 26, 2006
Turns out they have some completely fucking awesome videos in the "Videos & Stuff" section.
I'll second the "completely fucking awesome."
posted by eyeballkid at 4:09 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'll second the "completely fucking awesome."
posted by eyeballkid at 4:09 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
Oh, yes--I'll third the "completely fucking awesome." That was some funny shit.
posted by LooseFilter at 4:19 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by LooseFilter at 4:19 PM on December 26, 2006
I dunno... it's nice to be all drunk and fornicating and whatnot, but I want definite proof that they'll be able to mail my neighbor's letter. Have they blasphemed against the holy spirit?
posted by wandering steve at 4:25 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by wandering steve at 4:25 PM on December 26, 2006
drezdn writes "...if it isn't pressed, a turtle ... ... pulls the carrot, which causes a bearing to roll down a plank and then hit another switch which turns on a warning klaxon and flashing light ... a small squirrel is released ... A series of levers and pulleys then turns the flag on the box..."
...causing the ball to drag across a series of xylophone keys to finally reveal the card that goes with the tune: "♪ Pi-ta-go-ra-su-i-chi! ♪".
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:31 PM on December 26, 2006
...causing the ball to drag across a series of xylophone keys to finally reveal the card that goes with the tune: "♪ Pi-ta-go-ra-su-i-chi! ♪".
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:31 PM on December 26, 2006
The Straightener writes ". Turns out they have some completely fucking awesome videos in the 'Videos & Stuff' section."
...wow.
The music was pretty cool though. I liked that.
Behold, I come quickly! was not the type of video I was expecting. Dammit.
Why, by the way, is almost all Christian music stuck in the early 80's?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:53 PM on December 26, 2006
...wow.
The music was pretty cool though. I liked that.
Behold, I come quickly! was not the type of video I was expecting. Dammit.
Why, by the way, is almost all Christian music stuck in the early 80's?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:53 PM on December 26, 2006
Actually, DNAB, there was an album by a dude named Bart Millard I heard a while back of traditional hymns he learned from his grandma or something, that was actually really good.
posted by jonmc at 5:09 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by jonmc at 5:09 PM on December 26, 2006
Sorry... should have said 'contemporary'. There's quite a lot of Christian devotional music that I quite like. Try finding some of John Tavener's compositions; they're stunning.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:14 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:14 PM on December 26, 2006
Behold, I come quickly! was not the type of video I was expecting. Dammit.
Try Viagra--I think it helps that sort of problem.
posted by leftcoastbob at 5:19 PM on December 26, 2006
Try Viagra--I think it helps that sort of problem.
posted by leftcoastbob at 5:19 PM on December 26, 2006
I said don't stop, do punk rock.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:25 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:25 PM on December 26, 2006
Yay!
As an atheist I fully approve of any and all satire on religions far and wide.
Plus, these guys have found a way to make money from poor deluded dupes.
Wait, I think that's why I hate on televangelists. Lemme go rethink this.
posted by dash_slot- at 5:33 PM on December 26, 2006
As an atheist I fully approve of any and all satire on religions far and wide.
Plus, these guys have found a way to make money from poor deluded dupes.
Wait, I think that's why I hate on televangelists. Lemme go rethink this.
posted by dash_slot- at 5:33 PM on December 26, 2006
in case of rapture, can i have your car? i want a hummer.
not the blow job, the suv.
ok, ok, the blow job _and_ the suv!
posted by bruce at 5:47 PM on December 26, 2006
not the blow job, the suv.
ok, ok, the blow job _and_ the suv!
posted by bruce at 5:47 PM on December 26, 2006
Have they blasphemed against the holy spirit?
They're atheists. I think yes.
posted by thecaddy at 5:53 PM on December 26, 2006
They're atheists. I think yes.
posted by thecaddy at 5:53 PM on December 26, 2006
What would be funny would be a Christian send-up of hyper-atheist Dawkins style humor. Like that Glenn Beck post but more specifically relig-y.
yeah. A Christian retort would actually be edgy, whereas this is another trip straight down the middle of the road of easy humor.
This kind of stuff almost makes me want to believe in the rapture, for the same reason all this lame, tired, hacky "Bush is dumb" humor almost makes me want to take Bush's side out of spite.
Not quite, but almost.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:53 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
yeah. A Christian retort would actually be edgy, whereas this is another trip straight down the middle of the road of easy humor.
This kind of stuff almost makes me want to believe in the rapture, for the same reason all this lame, tired, hacky "Bush is dumb" humor almost makes me want to take Bush's side out of spite.
Not quite, but almost.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:53 PM on December 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
As a filthy Jew, I anxiously await the Mark of the Beast that I will never lose another dime again, nor will I have to remember such pesky things as where I put my wallet. Oh, that Jesus would just return for the righteous already that I could have my bank information tattooed on my forehead.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:17 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:17 PM on December 26, 2006
As a filthy Jew, I anxiously await the Mark of the Beast that I will never lose another dime again, nor will I have to remember such pesky things as where I put my wallet.
Since I married a Jew, do I get one too? or do I have to use my wife's?
posted by jonmc at 6:18 PM on December 26, 2006
Since I married a Jew, do I get one too? or do I have to use my wife's?
posted by jonmc at 6:18 PM on December 26, 2006
jonmc: As a filthy-Jew-lover, I think you do get your own Mark of the Beast. Cheers!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:31 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:31 PM on December 26, 2006
There'll be pets in MY heaven or it won't be heaven (if I go), so I'm not too worried about that.
posted by puddinghead at 6:34 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by puddinghead at 6:34 PM on December 26, 2006
jonmc: As a filthy-Jew-lover, I think you do get your own Mark of the Beast. Cheers!
Don't forget, I'm a Catholic, too. Does that mean I get two?
Think of the discounts!
posted by jonmc at 6:58 PM on December 26, 2006
Don't forget, I'm a Catholic, too. Does that mean I get two?
Think of the discounts!
posted by jonmc at 6:58 PM on December 26, 2006
goodnewsfortheinsane oh hell that made me laugh, what a way to go out. I'd like to have a funeral procession of the Algorithm March too, followed by another Pythagoras Switch contraption to light my funeral pyre.
posted by damo at 7:04 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by damo at 7:04 PM on December 26, 2006
So does Bernie Hin stay or go?
If he goes I'm staying.
posted by mattoxic at 7:09 PM on December 26, 2006
If he goes I'm staying.
posted by mattoxic at 7:09 PM on December 26, 2006
What a great way to make money from stupid Christians.
posted by chudmonkey at 8:11 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by chudmonkey at 8:11 PM on December 26, 2006
I really hope they don't have a last minute change of heart and call out to God. Then I would have to deliver my mail myself.
Oh wait.
posted by The Deej at 9:45 PM on December 26, 2006
Oh wait.
posted by The Deej at 9:45 PM on December 26, 2006
This rapture thing sounds totally rad.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:23 PM CST on December 26
Actually, if the rapture ever DID happen... if it turned out to be real... you would see the immediate creation of the most fundamental religious worldwide theocracy you could ever dare imagine. Not that it would matter.
Worldwide commerce would come to an instant halt. Everyone would fall down on their knees begging God for redemption and mercy. They would pray without ceasing.
Most of the population would starve to death within in the first few weeks.
And then, you know, the plagues and horsemen and all that.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:53 PM on December 26, 2006
posted by eyeballkid at 5:23 PM CST on December 26
Actually, if the rapture ever DID happen... if it turned out to be real... you would see the immediate creation of the most fundamental religious worldwide theocracy you could ever dare imagine. Not that it would matter.
Worldwide commerce would come to an instant halt. Everyone would fall down on their knees begging God for redemption and mercy. They would pray without ceasing.
Most of the population would starve to death within in the first few weeks.
And then, you know, the plagues and horsemen and all that.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:53 PM on December 26, 2006
if it turned out to be real... you would see the immediate creation of the most fundamental religious worldwide theocracy you could ever dare imagine.
Are you kidding me? According to fundie born again doctrine those that are left behind are done, toast, discarded, chaff. It's readily apparent to all that there is no further point to the matter.
Pray tell, please to be explaining exactly why they would be giving a shit?
They just got the ultimate ice burn from the Big Dude in the sky. Though their arms may be too short to box with - for the purposes of this debate and role play - the Fundamentalist Christian God, the order of the day would probably be rebellion. And possibly smiting.
Worldwide commerce would come to an instant halt.
This may be true, or it might just cool down and simmer a little. Commerce isn't the be-all-end-all of human survival. A sudden reduction in the amount of people actually means (barring calamity) that - for a while - that the price of beer goes down. (Dear God, hope you got the letter...) A surplus is created that increases proportionally with the number of "saved".
However, this has nothing to do with the following:
Everyone would fall down on their knees begging God for redemption and mercy. They would pray without ceasing.
This is balderdash painted with extremely broad strokes. I would imagine that there would be a very broad spectrum of responses to this hypothetical situation, including outright denial, rationalization and more. Think UFOs and stuff. Humans are good at rationalizing the Weird, if given chance.
So, no...
Most of the population would starve to death within in the first few weeks.
...it would be more complex than first glance. It depends on a lot of factors. 66% of the world's population left, mild to moderate calamity, left alone to continue? If asked, I would say "Thanks for the kick in the pants and maybe the chance to reduce human toll on the planet for a while. Enjoy your eternal salvation, we're having a party and lowering the bar for a limbo. Eden returns."
And then, you know, the plagues and horsemen and all that
Well, then there's that granted aspect and finale of the hypothetical scenario. Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition. And Whisky.
posted by loquacious at 11:56 PM on December 26, 2006
Are you kidding me? According to fundie born again doctrine those that are left behind are done, toast, discarded, chaff. It's readily apparent to all that there is no further point to the matter.
Pray tell, please to be explaining exactly why they would be giving a shit?
They just got the ultimate ice burn from the Big Dude in the sky. Though their arms may be too short to box with - for the purposes of this debate and role play - the Fundamentalist Christian God, the order of the day would probably be rebellion. And possibly smiting.
Worldwide commerce would come to an instant halt.
This may be true, or it might just cool down and simmer a little. Commerce isn't the be-all-end-all of human survival. A sudden reduction in the amount of people actually means (barring calamity) that - for a while - that the price of beer goes down. (Dear God, hope you got the letter...) A surplus is created that increases proportionally with the number of "saved".
However, this has nothing to do with the following:
Everyone would fall down on their knees begging God for redemption and mercy. They would pray without ceasing.
This is balderdash painted with extremely broad strokes. I would imagine that there would be a very broad spectrum of responses to this hypothetical situation, including outright denial, rationalization and more. Think UFOs and stuff. Humans are good at rationalizing the Weird, if given chance.
So, no...
Most of the population would starve to death within in the first few weeks.
...it would be more complex than first glance. It depends on a lot of factors. 66% of the world's population left, mild to moderate calamity, left alone to continue? If asked, I would say "Thanks for the kick in the pants and maybe the chance to reduce human toll on the planet for a while. Enjoy your eternal salvation, we're having a party and lowering the bar for a limbo. Eden returns."
And then, you know, the plagues and horsemen and all that
Well, then there's that granted aspect and finale of the hypothetical scenario. Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition. And Whisky.
posted by loquacious at 11:56 PM on December 26, 2006
This was seen on The Daily Show in an excellent segment earlier this year called 'Heaven Can't Wait' with Ed Helms. You can view it here (play the top video). And for some funny reading, check out this thread on the Rapture Ready message boards, for their memberships reaction to the Daily Show segment.
posted by Effigy2000 at 2:08 AM on December 27, 2006
posted by Effigy2000 at 2:08 AM on December 27, 2006
Oh man Effigy, that was hilarious, thanks.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:43 AM on December 27, 2006
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:43 AM on December 27, 2006
Oh mi gawd, Effigy2000, those boards are hilarious...and a bit disturbing. They really are confused about the Colbert Report. But it was this line that struck me:
Also:
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:52 AM on December 27, 2006
Jon Stewart is like most liberals that find their way into the limelight - they love the applause of men and will stick it to Christians and Conservatives just so they can get the audience to whoop and holler.Because conservatives like Limbaugh are above "the applause of men." Also they don't seem to realize that the Daily Show is supposed to be funny. Poking fun is Jon Stewart's job.
Also:
The wheat and the tares are starting to be sorted. Better to stay away from the "world" and the things of this world.I wish the "wheaties" would retire from this world-- that would be just great. Hell, I wish they would all shut themselves up in convents and spend 24 hours a day on their knees in prayer.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:52 AM on December 27, 2006
loquacious: First a disclaimer: I don't believe any of this. I lost my religion a long time ago. But, in this discussion we are "pretending" it were real, so I don't agree at all with what you said. Here's why:
First, saying the forsaken would go along with their business like nothing happened is lunacy.
Having absolute, definite, undeniable, unmistakable proof that there is indeed a God, a Creator, a Savior(!) and he intervenes directly in the course of the earth, the entirety of humanity, except for some people who would deny God existed if he was standing in front of them, would become, overnight, devout.
It will not be misinterpreted except by the insane. The Bible says God will descend with a shout, and the voice of the arch-angel and trumpet call of God, and the dead will rise. Then the (presumably millions) of faithful believers here now will be taken up into the air. This will be a little hard to miss in the CNN era.
Therefore, after that point, basically Rapture deniers would be put in the camps of Holocaust deniers and Moon Landing deniers.
Then comes the Tribulation. Or maybe it happened before, noone seems to be able to agree. But my personal interpretation has it coming afterwards, because only then would it make any sense (like any of it does, but you know).
During this time of worldwide plague, famine, and misery, and then *KNOWING* via first-hand proof, that there *IS* a merciful God, human nature would basically force everyone to fall down on bended knee and cry out to their (now provably true) God.
Whether this would be effective or not is also up to great debate. There doesn't seem to be anything in Revelations that would PREVENT new people from converting. Some fringes say you could only convert if you'd never heard the gospel before, but again, this makes little sense as you'd have to define and quantify "heard the gospel". Does the guy at the ballpark holding up the "John 3:16" sign count?
At any rate, conservatively hundreds of millions worldwide would either go insane, commit suicide, or become functionally debilitated due to the stress, shock, grief, and just overwhelming experience. Post traumatic stress disorder anyone?
Our country and economy would break down just over this one facet, even if everything else was a myth.
There's tons more to this, and the source material is so vague that practically any interpretation can be defended, but let me put it to you this way:
Most of the planet believes in some kind of God with no proof whatsoever. In America, most polls show over 90% believe in some God, again, with absolutely no proof of any kind beyond hearsay or ancient, unverifiable documents.
Now, given that, how many do you think would then believe if God physically descended from Heaven and swept up many (a third? a half? more?) of America, how many would believe then? 99.999999% is how many. It would be like denying the sun coming up.
I do not find it at all implausible that a religious leader would arise to lead the forsaken to (hopeful) salvation.
But, what sucks is that the great religious leader that arises is quite likely the Antichrist (as he arises during the Tribulation, but again, you gotta pick if the Tribulation is before or after the Rapture). Fun stuff!
posted by Ynoxas at 8:30 AM on December 27, 2006
First, saying the forsaken would go along with their business like nothing happened is lunacy.
Having absolute, definite, undeniable, unmistakable proof that there is indeed a God, a Creator, a Savior(!) and he intervenes directly in the course of the earth, the entirety of humanity, except for some people who would deny God existed if he was standing in front of them, would become, overnight, devout.
It will not be misinterpreted except by the insane. The Bible says God will descend with a shout, and the voice of the arch-angel and trumpet call of God, and the dead will rise. Then the (presumably millions) of faithful believers here now will be taken up into the air. This will be a little hard to miss in the CNN era.
Therefore, after that point, basically Rapture deniers would be put in the camps of Holocaust deniers and Moon Landing deniers.
Then comes the Tribulation. Or maybe it happened before, noone seems to be able to agree. But my personal interpretation has it coming afterwards, because only then would it make any sense (like any of it does, but you know).
During this time of worldwide plague, famine, and misery, and then *KNOWING* via first-hand proof, that there *IS* a merciful God, human nature would basically force everyone to fall down on bended knee and cry out to their (now provably true) God.
Whether this would be effective or not is also up to great debate. There doesn't seem to be anything in Revelations that would PREVENT new people from converting. Some fringes say you could only convert if you'd never heard the gospel before, but again, this makes little sense as you'd have to define and quantify "heard the gospel". Does the guy at the ballpark holding up the "John 3:16" sign count?
At any rate, conservatively hundreds of millions worldwide would either go insane, commit suicide, or become functionally debilitated due to the stress, shock, grief, and just overwhelming experience. Post traumatic stress disorder anyone?
Our country and economy would break down just over this one facet, even if everything else was a myth.
There's tons more to this, and the source material is so vague that practically any interpretation can be defended, but let me put it to you this way:
Most of the planet believes in some kind of God with no proof whatsoever. In America, most polls show over 90% believe in some God, again, with absolutely no proof of any kind beyond hearsay or ancient, unverifiable documents.
Now, given that, how many do you think would then believe if God physically descended from Heaven and swept up many (a third? a half? more?) of America, how many would believe then? 99.999999% is how many. It would be like denying the sun coming up.
I do not find it at all implausible that a religious leader would arise to lead the forsaken to (hopeful) salvation.
But, what sucks is that the great religious leader that arises is quite likely the Antichrist (as he arises during the Tribulation, but again, you gotta pick if the Tribulation is before or after the Rapture). Fun stuff!
posted by Ynoxas at 8:30 AM on December 27, 2006
I call bullshit! Every single person with a christian ancestory could disapear without causing starvation for most of the worlds population.
Meeting some god you didn't expect seems, a priori, less stressful than many perfectly ordinary family traumas. Sure you'll change your priorities, but you'll still grow the rice unless told otherwise.
As a point of comparison, meeting god is supposedly less "spontaniously" impressive than a major lsd trip, no?
posted by jeffburdges at 9:57 AM on December 27, 2006
Meeting some god you didn't expect seems, a priori, less stressful than many perfectly ordinary family traumas. Sure you'll change your priorities, but you'll still grow the rice unless told otherwise.
As a point of comparison, meeting god is supposedly less "spontaniously" impressive than a major lsd trip, no?
posted by jeffburdges at 9:57 AM on December 27, 2006
Popular bumper sticker:
IN CASE OF RAPTURE THIS CAR WILL BE EMPTY.
Did anyone yet mention the other bumper sticker:
IN CASE OF RAPTURE CAN I HAVE YOUR CAR?
(Too lazy to read the whole thread. )
posted by The Deej at 10:32 AM on December 27, 2006
IN CASE OF RAPTURE THIS CAR WILL BE EMPTY.
Did anyone yet mention the other bumper sticker:
IN CASE OF RAPTURE CAN I HAVE YOUR CAR?
(Too lazy to read the whole thread. )
posted by The Deej at 10:32 AM on December 27, 2006
And from the Rapture Ready message board:
The Daily Show is way too liberal for me... I prefer the Colbert Report but I'm starting to not care for that one either...
I really really really really hope the writer understands the Colbert Report is a satire of right-wing personality cults. Really. Because if they don't get that, it was just be so... pathetic.
posted by The Deej at 10:39 AM on December 27, 2006
The Daily Show is way too liberal for me... I prefer the Colbert Report but I'm starting to not care for that one either...
I really really really really hope the writer understands the Colbert Report is a satire of right-wing personality cults. Really. Because if they don't get that, it was just be so... pathetic.
posted by The Deej at 10:39 AM on December 27, 2006
jeffburdges:
Not only would (presumably, most) of the 2 billion Christians in the world disappear, but the 1st world countries would be disproportionately affected, since Christianity is the majority in those areas. America could conceivably loose 3/4 of its population, with the interior being almost deserted.
Farming occurs in rural regions, where "belief in God" is even higher than the urban areas. Red states and all, remember?
America would be unable to feed itself, much less be the net food exporter that we are. Same for Europe. Same for the former Soviet regions. And many countries in Africa and a few in Asia simply could not survive without food subsidies from America/Europe/Russia.
It would be suffering and death and destruction on a scale unseen in human history. It would be very much like us being impacted by a large meteor, which to me is almost the perfect event of what the "rapture" really is a metaphor of. Many "gone" instantly, many more gone soon, a few remaining in agony and misery, but perhaps lucking it out over the long haul.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:09 AM on December 27, 2006
Not only would (presumably, most) of the 2 billion Christians in the world disappear, but the 1st world countries would be disproportionately affected, since Christianity is the majority in those areas. America could conceivably loose 3/4 of its population, with the interior being almost deserted.
Farming occurs in rural regions, where "belief in God" is even higher than the urban areas. Red states and all, remember?
America would be unable to feed itself, much less be the net food exporter that we are. Same for Europe. Same for the former Soviet regions. And many countries in Africa and a few in Asia simply could not survive without food subsidies from America/Europe/Russia.
It would be suffering and death and destruction on a scale unseen in human history. It would be very much like us being impacted by a large meteor, which to me is almost the perfect event of what the "rapture" really is a metaphor of. Many "gone" instantly, many more gone soon, a few remaining in agony and misery, but perhaps lucking it out over the long haul.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:09 AM on December 27, 2006
Not only would (presumably, most) of the 2 billion Christians in the world disappear, but the 1st world countries would be disproportionately affected, since Christianity is the majority in those areas. America could conceivably loose 3/4 of its population, with the interior being almost deserted.
Many are called but few are chosen
posted by Rubbstone at 12:25 PM on December 27, 2006
(Rubbstone: I agree, because, again, pretending this was even real, I think a great, great many people would be shocked, dismayed, and highly disappointed when the rapture left them behind. Left Behind, hey, that'd be a great book title. *runs off to get rich*)
posted by Ynoxas at 1:01 PM on December 27, 2006
posted by Ynoxas at 1:01 PM on December 27, 2006
I think I'll be quite content as a farmer in the Okanagan, an Okanagan with significantly fewer people.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:51 PM on December 27, 2006
posted by five fresh fish at 2:51 PM on December 27, 2006
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