...it is not the will of your heavenly Father that one of these little ones be lost."

January 19, 2007 10:53 PM

Who is going to care for your pets after you are raptured into heaven? Many Christians believe that animals do not go to heaven. So when Jesus comes back and you return with him to heaven, will there be somebody to take care of your dog or cat?

That’s what JesusPets is for. We are assembling a community of heathen pet-lovers to care for pets that are “left-behind.” We are coordinating with feed mills and kennels in preparation for your post-apocalyptic pet care needs.
posted by jcterminal (40 comments total)

I should volunteer, since it's not really heaven if there are no animals there, and those who'd leave their pets behind shouldn't qualify to get in anyway.

In the news item The End Is Really Really Near This Time aliens come and have their way with abandoned pets. It's not clear whether they are better described as Angels or Aliens but either way they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things.

Awesome. Angels, aliens (Xenu?)...bestiality, the great equalizer.
posted by biscotti at 11:00 PM on January 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

This is brilliant.

Not like those other guys that like to think.

I mean,

Wow.

Let's start a franchise.

Meow?
posted by peewinkle at 11:01 PM on January 19, 2007

In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned. It will then recklessly careen into children at a school crossing -- killing all of them.
posted by homunculus at 11:16 PM on January 19, 2007

"If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went" ~ Will Rogers
posted by amyms at 11:39 PM on January 19, 2007 [7 favorites]

Are these guys associated with the dudes who will write letters to be delivered after the Rapture?

They should pool their resources.

This leaves me an image with a bunch of frazzled guys writing letters to dogs after the apocalypse, which is pretty cool.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:39 PM on January 19, 2007

Wow. This joke has never been done before.
posted by roll truck roll at 11:42 PM on January 19, 2007

I'll repeat it again..."We are assembling a community of heathen pet-lovers to care for pets that are 'left-behind.'"

♪♫♪♫

"Who is Joey Skaggs?"
posted by Smart Dalek at 11:43 PM on January 19, 2007

I'll take care of your chickens and cattle ...
posted by homodigitalis at 11:48 PM on January 19, 2007

they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things.

Yeah. That's The Party. It's been going on for tens and hundreds of thousands of your Earth years, pretty much as you describe, going from planet to planet having sex with things. You guys keep looking in the ground for The Missing Link, even though it came from the sky.

Twenty of those years have found me stuck here on this backwater of a cattle lot, waiting either for a ride or a new tuning crystal for my Thumb, which isn't due for another 25 odd years, considering it's a molecularly symmetrical rod of beryllium-doped crystalline carbon diamondoid and you guys are still monkeying around with growing them from seeds or producing them in high pressure rams instead of picofabricators.

Anyway, keep banging those rocks together, guys. So long, and sorry about the cows.
posted by loquacious at 11:51 PM on January 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Okay, I'll watch over your mini-poodle retriever mix, but only if that means I can live in the boathouse behind your superlux mansion o' God. Even us souless others need a place to crash after the rapture, and do you really think the worthy will spend quality time with your crummy mutt?
You need us, GoodChristians, just as you've always needed us as something to define yourselves against. And we'll be nicer to your pooches than you ever could be. We're always nicer to the souless, being among thier number ourselves.
See y'all in hades.
posted by maryh at 12:25 AM on January 20, 2007

i want to say, "double", but there's no conviction in my mouse clicks anymore. just a pallid tap.
posted by localhuman at 1:35 AM on January 20, 2007

Actually, pets do make it into heaven, but only if they're not gay.
posted by bardic at 1:43 AM on January 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Dude, all dogs go to heaven.
posted by RokkitNite at 5:16 AM on January 20, 2007

for the record, i am totally letting your dog drink out of the toilet and sleep on the couch. last laugh = all mine!
posted by sonofslim at 5:24 AM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

All dogs go to heaven. Christians get stuck on the Jersey turnpike for eternity. Little known religious fact. Won't the neo-cons be surprised!
posted by ZachsMind at 6:29 AM on January 20, 2007

A year or two ago there was this evangelical family that was profiled on one of the news networks, either CNN or MSNBC (I can't remember) and the pet subject did come up. The lady of the household found a website that cared for the pets of those that are raptured. She found the idea ridiculous. It seemed to me though that it bothered her because it made her beliefs seem just as ridiculous.
posted by alejo at 6:32 AM on January 20, 2007

After the Apocalypse the term "Pet" will be replaced with "Food" ...Don't leave your pets with these people!!
posted by BostonJake at 6:47 AM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm ready for the rapture. My pets on the other hand will have to deal with the apocalypse.

Fair enough
posted by bollockovnikov at 7:21 AM on January 20, 2007

Ha!
posted by Skygazer at 8:05 AM on January 20, 2007

Angels or Aliens but either way they like to go from planet to planet and have group sex with things. Watch your dog when you let him or her outside to go potty. Here are the supporting scriptures:
The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown. - Genesis 6:2

They [(two angels)] called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." - Genesis 19:14

What? What? Whaaaa?!

How about watering my house plants? How about protecting my house plants from alien/angel sex? Also, who is going to mow the lawn when I am gone?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:12 AM on January 20, 2007

God may be your co-pilot but Satan rides shotgun with me.
posted by sciurus at 8:13 AM on January 20, 2007

thank god... at last I can say all of this and still feel normal. aah, mefi.
posted by infini at 8:19 AM on January 20, 2007

I should start a company like this. After the rapture, I'll go to your house and yell at any kids who may happen to be on your lawn.
posted by papakwanz at 8:43 AM on January 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

This is brilliant. Sign up now; for a low, low retainer of $500/year, you can peacefully prepare for rapture, knowing I will be there for your pet*.

*Double charge for small dogs (Because I know nothing's too expensive for your little precious.)
posted by empyrean at 8:53 AM on January 20, 2007

I want royalties.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:43 AM on January 20, 2007

I better not fucking get Raptured.

That would piss me and my pets off.

/goes out and gets my atheistic sin on, just to be sure I'm safe
posted by quin at 11:47 AM on January 20, 2007

My two favorite bumper sticker of the last year:

When the rapture comes, can I have your stuff?

and

Jesus is my co-pilot, and we're cruising for pussy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:54 AM on January 20, 2007

These people are nucking futs. Absolutely nucking futs!
posted by newfers at 11:59 AM on January 20, 2007

I'm pretty sure my cats have a better shot at that brass ring than I do.

Who's gonna cuddle in my lap when the Antichrist comes? Huh?
posted by mkultra at 12:26 PM on January 20, 2007

I don't know, I thought those people weren't supposed to own pets, because they're earthly things. What's going on?
posted by taursir at 1:12 PM on January 20, 2007

Religion: The more you think about it, the more absurd it gets.

(I get the goats...)
posted by LordSludge at 1:15 PM on January 20, 2007

Man, people are crazy. It's funny, and it also serves as an ego boost. Just when I'm having a bad day, I read something like this, and suddenly feel psychologically sound and incredibly level-headed.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:19 PM on January 20, 2007

Wait, isn't there a Bible verse about sheep going to heaven and goats going to hell? Contradictions abound.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:20 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've given my pets explicit instructions to commit suicide if I am ever taken up in the rapture. I think the dog gets it, but the cat still seems a little confused,
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:32 PM on January 20, 2007

Probably because the cat knows that the real Rapture won't come till all the useless human meat bags are out of the way. And on that glorious day, the horrible evil dogs will be smote and the cats will take their place in the heavens. Where mice are plentiful and saucers of milk litter the landscape.

Your dog on the other hand, doesn't really understand, he's just hoping you will let him chase the cat around when you're gone.
posted by quin at 3:05 PM on January 20, 2007

Surely, that's a joke. +1 on dining on the pets that get left behind. I know a number of bull dogs who would make for good eating.
posted by dbarefoot at 3:19 PM on January 20, 2007

This is just a retard tax, right?
posted by mr. strange at 4:00 PM on January 20, 2007

Heaven sounds boring.
posted by hojoki at 4:06 PM on January 20, 2007

I'm with you, hojoki : no dogs and you have to spend the whole time 'singing praises to the glory of God' --- so basically just sitting around in church for all eternity. No thank you. I want to hang out with the dogs and the rock stars. I will drink a lot and play with puppies. And I will be happy, in Hell.
posted by Tiresias at 7:34 PM on January 20, 2007

In Case of Rapture: Good Riddance.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2007