I Kinda Feel Your Pain
May 22, 2008 1:48 PM Subscribe
My friend's father died last week and I went to the card store to get a card. The sympathy cards reeked. The distinction between sympathy and empathy is confusing for some. I did a search to find some empathy cards. They reek too.
Bonus: I found the Universal Grieving Symbol. I didn't even know there was one.
Bonus: I found the Universal Grieving Symbol. I didn't even know there was one.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Condolences, but this kind of a weird and not-really-great collection of links. -- cortex
what?
your first link is broken. your second and third links are the same. your 5th link is a crap jpg. your 7th link is a pdf, your 6th is all religious cards and I just don't get this post.
I'm sorry for your loss, though. I can't empathize but I do sympathize.
posted by shmegegge at 1:54 PM on May 22, 2008
your first link is broken. your second and third links are the same. your 5th link is a crap jpg. your 7th link is a pdf, your 6th is all religious cards and I just don't get this post.
I'm sorry for your loss, though. I can't empathize but I do sympathize.
posted by shmegegge at 1:54 PM on May 22, 2008
Interesting, Xurando, although the "confusing" link 404s for me.
For those who don't know what to do or say: the most important thing to remember when speaking to someone who just lost a loved one is to not ever EVER say "things will go back to being the same again, in time." That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard someone tell a grieving friend at a funeral.
When I lost my dad to cancer the most useful, cathartic thing anyone did for me was asking me to tell them about my dad. A distant acquaintance did that for me. I healed more that day than I had in all of the days previous put together.
posted by illiad at 1:54 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
For those who don't know what to do or say: the most important thing to remember when speaking to someone who just lost a loved one is to not ever EVER say "things will go back to being the same again, in time." That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard someone tell a grieving friend at a funeral.
When I lost my dad to cancer the most useful, cathartic thing anyone did for me was asking me to tell them about my dad. A distant acquaintance did that for me. I healed more that day than I had in all of the days previous put together.
posted by illiad at 1:54 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
Well, if you are male and your friend is male, then you really only need the one card:
http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=04302008
It must feel sick as hell.
posted by rhys at 1:55 PM on May 22, 2008 [3 favorites]
http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=04302008
It must feel sick as hell.
posted by rhys at 1:55 PM on May 22, 2008 [3 favorites]
I thought this was an AskMe in the wrong place.
posted by desjardins at 1:57 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 1:57 PM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
The other day I was at the grocery store and the checker was unable to identify a portabello mushroom.
posted by mek at 1:58 PM on May 22, 2008 [4 favorites]
posted by mek at 1:58 PM on May 22, 2008 [4 favorites]
Error 404 – File not Found
Sorry, but the page you were looking for could not be found.
FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!
posted by Muddler at 1:58 PM on May 22, 2008
Sorry, but the page you were looking for could not be found.
FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!
posted by Muddler at 1:58 PM on May 22, 2008
To each his own. I mean, I've heard that HTML is confusing for some. But do I mock them sarcastically?
Apparently I do.
posted by Plutor at 1:59 PM on May 22, 2008
Apparently I do.
posted by Plutor at 1:59 PM on May 22, 2008
Your second link, the one by Stephen Crippen, disagrees with Martin Hoffman, an expert in the field whose definitions are pretty standard in the (limited) research I've done. Hoffman claims that empathy is both the understanding of another's condition and feeling something that is more appropriate to their condition than one's own (as in.. We use the words both ways, not that these must both occur for one to be appropriately described as feeling empathy). Sympathy, on the other hand, is when you feel for another, when you're concerned about them. So, what Crippen calls a completely different phenomenon, compassion, is built into the concept of sympathy.
So, the sadist? The sadist feels empathy, because he understands what the other is going through. He does not feel sympathy, on the other hand, because he has no desire to help alleviate their pain or anything.
With that said.. You're definitely right that there's a lot of confusion about the distinction between sympathy and empathy.
posted by Ms. Saint at 1:59 PM on May 22, 2008
So, the sadist? The sadist feels empathy, because he understands what the other is going through. He does not feel sympathy, on the other hand, because he has no desire to help alleviate their pain or anything.
With that said.. You're definitely right that there's a lot of confusion about the distinction between sympathy and empathy.
posted by Ms. Saint at 1:59 PM on May 22, 2008
I worked for a Hallmark in high school. As a result, I think all pre-written cards are a stupid, lazy gesture. Unless they have a squirrel on the front. A squirrel card is guaranteed to be good.
Calling the family and offering your help is next-to-free and doesn't usually carry the threat of papercuts.
posted by giraffe at 2:04 PM on May 22, 2008
Calling the family and offering your help is next-to-free and doesn't usually carry the threat of papercuts.
posted by giraffe at 2:04 PM on May 22, 2008
I don't understand what was going through your mind when you posted this.
posted by empath at 2:06 PM on May 22, 2008 [7 favorites]
posted by empath at 2:06 PM on May 22, 2008 [7 favorites]
Yeah, I'm writing a book about empathy and that guy's definition is way wrong. Empathy explicitly means "feeling with." Sociopaths *lack* empathy for their victims, they also lack sympathy and compassion.
What they *do* have is "theory of mind," which means they can understand the other person's motivations and desires and can anticipate their reactions-- but they just don't care about them.
Sympathy means "feeling for" where you understand what the person is going through and you want to help, but you are not necessarily putting yourself in their shoes. You feel sorry for them, as yourself, you understand you'd feel bad in that situation-- but you recognize that your feeling sorry and your projection of how you would feel is not necessarily what they are feeling because you take into account the differences between your feelings and theirs.
posted by Maias at 2:07 PM on May 22, 2008
What they *do* have is "theory of mind," which means they can understand the other person's motivations and desires and can anticipate their reactions-- but they just don't care about them.
Sympathy means "feeling for" where you understand what the person is going through and you want to help, but you are not necessarily putting yourself in their shoes. You feel sorry for them, as yourself, you understand you'd feel bad in that situation-- but you recognize that your feeling sorry and your projection of how you would feel is not necessarily what they are feeling because you take into account the differences between your feelings and theirs.
posted by Maias at 2:07 PM on May 22, 2008
Universal Grieving Symbol™ ?!?
I empathize with anyone who receives one of these.
posted by not_on_display at 2:07 PM on May 22, 2008
I empathize with anyone who receives one of these.
posted by not_on_display at 2:07 PM on May 22, 2008
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by Dave Faris at 2:09 PM on May 22, 2008
posted by Dave Faris at 2:09 PM on May 22, 2008
I cleaned up the broken/duplicate links, though I'm not really sure what to make of this as a post.
posted by cortex at 2:10 PM on May 22, 2008
posted by cortex at 2:10 PM on May 22, 2008
Someone hold me. I'm confused and scared.
posted by loquacious at 2:24 PM on May 22, 2008
posted by loquacious at 2:24 PM on May 22, 2008
I'm going to use the international grieving symbol to help my wife get over the loss of her favorite Nalgene bottle. Thanks.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 2:26 PM on May 22, 2008
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 2:26 PM on May 22, 2008
I don't mean to belittle anyone's pain...but that "universal grieving symbol" looks like it should be printed on a package of feminine hygiene products. I know when I'm grieving, nothing speaks to me like a stylized butterfly.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:31 PM on May 22, 2008
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:31 PM on May 22, 2008
I'm loss for your sorry.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:39 PM on May 22, 2008
posted by blue_beetle at 2:39 PM on May 22, 2008
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posted by farishta at 1:54 PM on May 22, 2008