She looks kind of bored.

August 10, 2009 11:34 PM

A turtle has an awesome orgasm (SLYT).

It's actually a tortoise.

posted by overhauser (55 comments total)

I'll say this about the internet: It's allowed us to see more varieties of animal coitus than previous generations would have ever dreamed possible. I wonder if Jules Verne once gazed skyward and imagined "some day, people will be able to instantly witness the most splendid of animal sex!"
posted by disillusioned at 11:37 PM on August 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

It's actually a tortoise.

Spoiler alert, please?
posted by lumensimus at 11:37 PM on August 10, 2009 [4 favorites]

A hamster has an awesome orgasm (SLYT).
posted by chasing at 11:38 PM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

It's interesting that you've been a member for three years and this is what you decide to post when you finally come out of your shell.
posted by srboisvert at 11:40 PM on August 10, 2009 [9 favorites]

Is there a fetish site out there that compiles these?
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:43 PM on August 10, 2009

MetaFilter: the most splendid of animal sex!

(sorry)
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 11:47 PM on August 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Metafilter has an awesome orgasm.
posted by chasing at 11:48 PM on August 10, 2009 [9 favorites]

Metafilter has an awesome orgasm.

I was expecting Rule 34 of the Metafilter mods in, like, a woad-painted sex train or something.
posted by bunnytricks at 11:54 PM on August 10, 2009

This is not so much a good post as like 1/25th of a good post. There could be something really good here on sexual pleasure and animals but, instead, a youtube video with porn!turtle.
posted by FritoKAL at 11:56 PM on August 10, 2009

This is not so much a good post as like 1/25th of a good post.

I agree. overhauser, please go find 24 other clips of animal orgasms.
posted by FuManchu at 11:59 PM on August 10, 2009 [8 favorites]

A turtle has an awesome orgasm

this is what you decide to post when you finally come out of your shell

*snort!*
posted by amyms at 12:02 AM on August 11, 2009

This isn't funny. As a child I was molested by a turtle.
posted by chasing at 12:03 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is anyone else having issues with youtube? It isn't loading properly and videos aren't loading at all.
posted by Betty_effn_White at 12:03 AM on August 11, 2009

I love the fact there's a soccer clip in the related videos.
posted by showmethecalvino at 12:08 AM on August 11, 2009

Hero in a half-shell -- Turtle power!
posted by chasing at 12:09 AM on August 11, 2009

Tortoises, and other animals, often make noises during sex. They aren't strictly linked to pleasure, but more do with communicating/signalling to each other. I think the females might in some way be responsive to the noise, but IANAHerpetologist, so please consult valid reference material.
posted by Sova at 12:11 AM on August 11, 2009

On turtle breeding:
During courtship, the male slider or cooter will use his long front claws to stroke the face of the female.
posted by benzenedream at 12:13 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

After the break: New proof that the turtle tortoise is Barack Obama.
posted by lukemeister at 12:17 AM on August 11, 2009

I was going to link to the "I like turtles" kid, but then I realized I might be put on a list for the rest of my life if I did.
posted by dirigibleman at 12:18 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Male turtle: Me

Female Turtle: Every woman I've been with. "Seriously? Huh. Well, what's on TV? Can we get -- ew, no -- sort of in the direction of the TV?"

I'M REALLY BAD AT SEX AND I CAN'T PEE IN THE SHOWER PROPERLY! THIS IS WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, INTERNET!

I hate turtles
posted by dirigibleman at 12:24 AM on August 11, 2009

Is anyone else having issues with youtube?

Yes.
posted by bwg at 12:27 AM on August 11, 2009

For a horrifying moment I thought this was going to be an Entourage outtake.
posted by hifiparasol at 12:33 AM on August 11, 2009 [5 favorites]

How does one pee in the shower properly? Erh, perhaps I'd rather not know.
posted by mek at 1:19 AM on August 11, 2009

Thank you, overhauser: "Turtle Has Awesome Orgasm" has been deposited along with that image of my grandma in her nighty and Mordechaï Podchlebnik's remembrances Chelmno in Shoah in the massive bank of sudden flashes that ruin my every sexual experience.
posted by ford and the prefects at 1:20 AM on August 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

Turtle has awesome orgasm remix.

(there's a much better turtle-orgasm ytl out there but I can't seem to find it....omg, what did I just say?)
posted by dabitch at 1:42 AM on August 11, 2009

I was looking for the (NSFW). Don't really know whether to click.
posted by marmaduke_yaverland at 2:09 AM on August 11, 2009

Well, probably sfw provided you don't have speakers. Or too many people watching over your shoulder.

But in that case, what isn't sfw?
posted by Arandia at 2:19 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

mek - in the same direction as the shower head is spraying, and towards the drain. The trick is not to hit the drainplate directly and risk back-splash, but to hit the stream of water heading into the drain!
posted by EatTheWeek at 2:30 AM on August 11, 2009

Well, probably sfw provided you don't have speakers. Or too many people watching over your shoulder.

Or work in the zoo Reptile House.
posted by IvoShandor at 2:33 AM on August 11, 2009

birds do it
Bees do it
Even educated fleas do it...
posted by Miss Otis' Egrets at 3:01 AM on August 11, 2009

Well, this turtle doesn't orgasm in the video, but it is absolutely adorable how he tries to have sex with a boot (slow and steady wins the race!)
posted by molecicco at 3:03 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

> a woad-painted sex train

Around here we just call them the National Assembly for Wales.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:04 AM on August 11, 2009

"Is anyone else having issues with youtube? It isn't loading properly and videos aren't loading at all."
Consider yourself lucky...

We now know that the mods all go to bed or lunch or something at 2:37 am EST and aren't awake/done eating/whatever yet at 6:04 am EST...

A video of someone peeing in the shower would have been more useful (well, at least, evidently, to a couple of people here), 'cuz few of us are going to have sex with a frigging tortoise... amirite?
posted by HuronBob at 3:04 AM on August 11, 2009

let me add, please that the phrase "awesome orgasm" is evidently very subjective.

And, let me also add......overhauser, never, EVER, come in here and tell us about your sex life!
posted by HuronBob at 3:07 AM on August 11, 2009

Forget the sex, those vocal folds are cool, and so easy to see. In humans they're much harder to get to.
posted by fcummins at 3:32 AM on August 11, 2009

I think the trick to peeing in the shower is to do it while actually taking a shower.
posted by jbickers at 3:33 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

The Sand Diego Zoo was calm and clear in the early morning, save for the persistent screams of the Galapagos Tortoises humping away like angry boulders.
posted by The Whelk at 3:39 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think jbickers is on to something. As a friend of mine once put it, the drains are all connected.
posted by maxwelton at 3:43 AM on August 11, 2009

I love how the female tortoise is just lying there with a resigned expression on her face, waiting for it to be over. And by "love", I mean, I'm glad I'm not the same species as her.

Another reason to be glad this morning is that none of you have ever been near my shower.

Metafilter just has so many ways of making me happy, even if it's never given me an awesome orgasm.
posted by orange swan at 3:47 AM on August 11, 2009

Justly might Female Tortoises complain,
To whom Enjoyment is the greatest Pain.
They dread the Tryal, and foreboding hate
The growing Passion of the cruel Mate.
He amorous pursues, They conscious fly
Joyless Caresses, and resolv'd deny.
Since partial Heav'n has thus restrain'd the Bliss,
The Males they welcome with a closer Kiss,
Bite angry, and reluctant Hate declare.
The Tortoise-Courtship is a State of War.

(William Diaper's translation of Oppian's Halieuticks, 1722)
posted by verstegan at 3:47 AM on August 11, 2009 [6 favorites]

I mean, if you think about it (which I haven't until now, and hopefully won't again), peeing in the shower has got to be higher up the hygiene scale than taking a bath, where you're essentially soaking in a pool of your own filth.

I don't think tortoises bathe at all, though, so they should carry on regardless.
posted by maxwelton at 3:52 AM on August 11, 2009

Man, I really wasn't going to open that--figured it would be adolescent and lame. But in the privacy of my own home. And I've never *seen a turtle have an orgasm... That was freakin' hilarious and I'm going to have the giggles all day!
posted by njbradburn at 4:17 AM on August 11, 2009

Thank god they edited out the 400 minutes of begging and the 90 minutes of foreplay.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:45 AM on August 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

My dog had never heard this sound, but when she found out it was a tortoise she just half barked and went back to licking her butt.
posted by bigmusic at 5:00 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Thank God there was no money shot.
posted by digsrus at 5:02 AM on August 11, 2009

Peeing in the shower: the rules.
posted by biffa at 5:25 AM on August 11, 2009

I hope that they don't encounter this guy.
posted by zerobyproxy at 5:36 AM on August 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

I sent this to my mom last night when I checked MeFi before going to bed. Here is the email I got this morning:

"Your daddy and I wanna know how you find this stuff??? Did you wake up this morning and tell yourself that you needed to find a video of turtle porn???? LOL"

Heh.
posted by sugarfish at 5:58 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Peeing on your tortoise in the shower can help cure athlete's shell. FYI.
posted by orme at 6:06 AM on August 11, 2009

Did you wake up this morning and tell yourself that you needed to find a video of turtle porn?

Man, this Mefi Scavenger Hunt gets weirder every year.
posted by The Whelk at 6:08 AM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

Happy Together!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 6:23 AM on August 11, 2009

I just found my next ringtone. Thanks, MeFi!
posted by teraflop at 6:28 AM on August 11, 2009

What I can't work out is how a "aaeehhhrr aaeehhrr aaeehhhrr" means www.facebooklatino.net in tortoise. Unless tortoise is a tonal language and I'm just not picking up on the subtle inflections.
posted by ob at 6:28 AM on August 11, 2009

I'll have what she's having.....
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:37 AM on August 11, 2009

somewhere out there on xeno-filter they're posting little snippets of humans having sex and sniggering over our vocal chords and gender dynamics, bless.
posted by doobiedoo at 6:42 AM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]