The Twin Who Didn't Make It

August 28, 2010 1:10 PM

The Twin Who Didn't Make It is an excerpt from Alexa Stevenson's memoir Half Baked: The Story of My Nerves, My Newborn, and How We Both Learned to Breathe.
posted by lauratheexplorer (12 comments total)

I started reading Alexa's blog about three days before they got the horrible, horrible news. I can't even imagine what it would be like to go through that experience. I mean, literally, I can't; every time I try, the part of my brain that's responsible for stopping me from doing something stupid kicks in and pushes my attention to something else.

I'm so glad Simone is doing so well.
posted by KathrynT at 2:08 PM on August 28, 2010

I ponder on a daily basis how uncertain the enterprise of pregnancy is. I'm pregnant with my first, and for the first time today I felt my baby wake up this morning when I took a shower. Of course, the first thought that flashed across my mind was that I wouldn't have to buy one of those little doppler monitors to constantly check and see if the heart is still beating (second thought: Hello, there! Would you like some waffles?). It's already kind of weird carrying around a little naked stranger, but it would be just disturbing if something were to happen to him/her and I had no idea and there was nothing I could do about it. Thinking about carrying my own "demised" child around for days and not knowing makes me want to turn myself inside-out.

But everyone would go crazy contemplating that for more than a few moments at a time. I drink my milk, take my vitamins, wear my seatbelt, and avoid blows to the abdomen. Other than that, it's out of my hands.

I guess there are no guarantees about having children. I've had friends who lost their baby after the seventh month, another with a child who will need three heart surgeries before her first year. And even if a child is born fully healthy, then can still grow up to be assholes.
posted by Alison at 2:44 PM on August 28, 2010 [11 favorites]

Beautiful and so wrenching.
posted by purenitrous at 3:48 PM on August 28, 2010

Demised! Do they really say that? Sheesh.
posted by thirteenkiller at 4:24 PM on August 28, 2010

I was born with a stillborn twin. I have zero memory of this, obviously; my parents told me on my 16th birthday. It was pretty weird, the way they sat me down and told me that they loved me, and had something very important to tell me (and I was thinking, "Oh my God--they're getting divorced!"). At the time, I recognized that this memory was still something extremely sad and heartbreaking for them, even 16 years later, but for me, it was just like, "Huh. That's strange." I wasn't really sure what to say to them. Should I apologize? I was already a guilt-ridden kid; knowing I was alive and my twin was not made me feel terrible. Was it in any way my fault? For that reason, I'm really glad they waited until I was older to tell me.

Earlier this week, unrelated to this article, I was actually wondering the circumstances of the "demised" twin--when did my parents know? How far along was she? Did my brothers know? At least one was old enough at the time of my birth to have been told about twins, and understanding what it meant. I really want to ask, but it's such a tender memory, and my parents have never brought it up again (and my 16th birthday was a long time ago).

So thanks for the link to this article. Coming on the heels of those thoughts, it's interesting to see a little more about what my parents went through during this time. Maybe I'll use it as an excuse to bring it up with the, but probably not yet.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 5:10 PM on August 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Earlier this week, unrelated to this article, I was actually wondering the circumstances of the "demised" twin--when did my parents know? How far along was she? Did my brothers know? At least one was old enough at the time of my birth to have been told about twins, and understanding what it meant. I really want to ask, but it's such a tender memory, and my parents have never brought it up again (and my 16th birthday was a long time ago).

Ideal Impulse, I suspect your parents would be happy to talk about your twin. You never know why they have not brought it up again, but it's possible that they've been leaving it up to you all this time. After all it was your twin, and they waited until you were older to tell you, so they may think you haven't given it a second thought since then.

And there's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty at all, either about your twin or about your parents' suffering.
posted by headnsouth at 6:46 PM on August 28, 2010

This was gut wrenching, thanks for posting.

Ideal Impulse, FWIW, I agree with headnsouth. As a mom who has lost a baby, I appreciate the opportunity to talk about that baby, now that I am removed enough to do so without crying. They might welcome it, if it's approached gently.
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:55 PM on August 28, 2010

I read Alexa's blog regularly, though I found her long after Simone was born. To go through this just absolutely boggles my mind.

Like Alison, I'm pregnant with my first and as I'm not far enough along to *feel* the baby, it's just those regular appointments where I hear the heartbeat to reassure me that everything's still baking in there. It was absolutely incredible to the heartbeat for the first time, but the millisecond before the midwife found the baby with the doppler (it was pretty much instantaneous, I'm told I have a very cooperative fetus - which makes me wonder if this is actually my child) was the longest millisecond of my life. After I stopped feeling queasy all the time, there's nothing to remind me that I'm even pregnant - it's all too easy to imagine that the fetus just... stopped. I only allow myself to think about it for five minutes a day or I'd go insane.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be to have a stillborn baby and my heart just goes out to Alexa. The bright spot, so to speak, is how much joy Simone has brought - not to just Alexa, but to everyone who reads her story.

I have no greater point... just... man, truly absolutely bittersweet.
posted by sonika at 8:04 PM on August 28, 2010

A couple I know bought their own doppler monitor so they could check the heartbeat all the fricking time. Which is probably overdoing it. But check it out on google - lots of people must be doing this.
posted by Mid at 8:15 PM on August 28, 2010

Mid: If my five minutes on babycenter are any indication, yes, tons and tons of people are buying fetal dopplers.
posted by sonika at 5:13 AM on August 29, 2010

I started reading Alexa's blog five years ago, shortly after she began blogging. I've kept reading it since then because she is a funny, insightful writer. I'm looking forward to getting my hands on her book and seeing her work in a longer format.
posted by Felicity Rilke at 5:49 AM on August 29, 2010

My father's twin died in utero, whenever he talks about it (which is very rarely) it's clear that he's still mourning his never-met brother, over 60 years later. Losing any baby (or sibling, or etc), must be absolutely terrible, but I think there's something different with losing a twin, whatever your relationship to it.
posted by The Monkey at 11:57 PM on August 29, 2010