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GLENGARRY, BOB ROSS

"What am I painting? Fuck you, that’s what I’m painting."
posted by brundlefly on Sep 22, 2014 - 40 comments

Go to bed, old man. I am working out like Olivia Newton-John!

Slavoj Žižek Welcomes You To The Gym
posted by davidjmcgee on Jul 14, 2014 - 26 comments

If he hollers let him go

Searching for Dave Chapelle ten years after he left his own show.
posted by evil otto on Oct 6, 2013 - 25 comments

On the way home, treat yourself to a taxi.

Audience Participation Cues for the My Dinner With André Midnight Madness Screening
posted by davidjmcgee on Dec 26, 2012 - 64 comments

"...do you really want a couple million eagles circling overhead?"

In 2003, the BBC reported that a population explosion of Great Gerbils had destroyed more than 4 million hectares of grasslands in China's north-western Xinjiang region -- an area about the size of Switzerland. By 2005 the damage covered 5 million hectares, and the Xinjuang Regional Headquarters for Controlling Locusts and Rodents were reported to be breeding and attracting pairs of golden eagles to curb the gerbil population. So McSweeney's Joshuah Bearman was assigned to the story. His report: An Investigation Into Xinjiang's Growing Swarm of Great Gerbils, Which May or May Not be Locked in a Death-Struggle With the Golden Eagle, With Important Parallels and/or Implications Regarding Koala Bears, The Pied Piper, Spongmonkeys, Cane Toads, Black Death, [and] Text-Messaging..
posted by zarq on Sep 18, 2012 - 38 comments

These Things Happened

"In the space of My Darkest Year, in no particular order, these things happened. My younger son died. My marriage ended. A rabbi and renowned jazz musician whom I’d only met once performed my son’s funeral. People applauded. I fell in love with a blond poet suffering from PTSD. It didn’t work out. My divorce was granted. The only Jewish funeral director in town admitted to me, unbidden, that her life’s passion is improv comedy. My ex-husband threatened my boyfriend’s balls via Facebook. I fled—and sold—my dream house. My older son lost his first tooth and entered kindergarten. I performed stand-up comedy. People applauded. I fell in love again. I realized I’m not afraid of anything." Michelle Mirsky's column No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Sex, Death, and Comedy won the 2011 McSweeney's Column Contest. It's funny, aching, gutsy, and heartwrenching.
posted by sixswitch on May 14, 2012 - 10 comments

“Your husband is a communist.”

Dear Ayn, [McSweeney's Internet Tendency] Ayn Rand writes an advice column.
posted by Fizz on May 9, 2012 - 51 comments

Oh, Those Severed Heads

Planning of Municipal Bus Line 11A Three Weeks Into the First Ron Paul Administration. "Stop 3: Union Street to Walk Hill Street – It depends on your definition of “impassible.” Since the Postal Service was disbanded and PCP was legalized on the same day, roving bands of rival mail carriers seem to behead each other a lot in this area. I guess I’m saying it depends on any given driver’s tolerance for driving around severed heads." [more inside]
posted by mreleganza on Feb 24, 2012 - 17 comments

There’s games and then there’s life. They ain’t the same thing.

David Hill is a gambler. Each column will tell the story of a single bet that he made and examine what that bet reveals about life in America. The most recent is $5 Chess Game, Best of 3, Zuccotti Park.
posted by davidjmcgee on Nov 28, 2011 - 23 comments

Huey Lewis and the News: You are hanging from monkey bars in two or more successive class pictures

what your favorite '80s band says about you
posted by flex on Jul 5, 2011 - 356 comments

Only in this case the child is an 84-year-old man with a hairdryer aimed at his balls.

An Open Letter To The Man Blow-Drying His Balls In The Gym Locker Room
posted by The Devil Tesla on Jun 4, 2011 - 109 comments

David Foster Wallace: Portrait Of An Infinitely Limited Mind

Ramon Glazov attacks David Foster Wallace, Hubert Selby Jr., Dave Eggers, William T. Vollmann, hipster irony, and modern druggie lit.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn on May 24, 2011 - 152 comments

You are your Favorite Classic Rock band!

What your Favorite Classic Rock Band says About You (Part One) as well as What your Favorite Classic Rock Band says About You (Part Two)
posted by storybored on Apr 5, 2011 - 83 comments

The Information Age's Facts of Life

"I'm getting older, and I'm not always gonna be around the house to explain stuff to you. I know you have a lot of questions, and I want us to be open with each other. So, I think it's time you learned where blogs and tweets come from." (SLMcSweeney's) [more inside]
posted by memebake on Jan 23, 2011 - 30 comments

Bianca, the Covert Toronto Escort with a Day Job.

Bianca is a 24-year-old software writer and escort from Toronto, Ontario. She was born in Hamilton, Ontario and lived in Dublin, Ireland for many years. She likes cash, properly compiled HTML and four star or higher hotels. She dislikes claims of latex allergies. [more inside]
posted by clearly on Dec 23, 2010 - 67 comments

Papa Tried

Dispatches From a Guy Trying Unsuccessfully to Sell a Song In Nashville. [more inside]
posted by msalt on Oct 3, 2010 - 36 comments

In our house we no longer say, "Who is John Galt?" Instead we say, "Who's our little princess?"

Our Daughter Isn't a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn't Read Atlas Shrugged. [more inside]
posted by Chipmazing on Aug 12, 2010 - 115 comments

Socrates Keeping It Real

Socrates and Glaucon on the Home Shopping Network.
posted by wittgenstein on May 20, 2010 - 32 comments

A Quiz

Death Metal Lyric or William Blake Quote?
posted by wittgenstein on Apr 17, 2010 - 12 comments

The Conflicted Existence of a Female Porn Writer.

Lynsey G. has taken odd writing jobs where she could get them for a few years now, and one day woke up to realize that they were all about sex. [more inside]
posted by minifigs on Dec 22, 2009 - 17 comments

Or was that squeal thing you did supposed to be the crying doves? How did it go? "Aii! Aii! Aii! Aiaiaiai!" It was a massive turn-on, but it was not science.

John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences

Including:
An Invitation to
Joni Mitchell to Sing
at the Opening of
the Tree Museum.

"Why couldn't we have just cut the trees up? Then it would have been a log museum. And we wanted a tree museum." [more inside]
posted by ocherdraco on Sep 24, 2009 - 10 comments

McSweeney's help for spam authors

THE ELEMENTS OF SPAM (single link McSweeney's post)
posted by bystander on Jan 14, 2009 - 38 comments

Death By Chocolate

Selections from H.P. Lovecraft's brief tenure as a Whitman's Sampler copywriter.
posted by fearfulsymmetry on Aug 20, 2008 - 47 comments

Nothing like a good Read.

Small is Beautiful - The best new journals. (via Guardian / Observer) selected by Stephanie Merritt. "Published out of tiny offices or even editors' apartments, funded by grants, donations or founders' savings, distributed by direct subscription or in selected independent bookshops, paying contributors little or nothing at all, these magazines have nevertheless attracted such eminent writers as to give them an international reputation far beyond their limited circulation."
posted by adamvasco on Dec 30, 2007 - 29 comments

Abbott and Costello At Blockbuster

Movie Store "Who's on First."
CUSTOMER: Why can't I rent Seven?
CASHIER: Because it's over the limit.
CUSTOMER: Right, but I want Seven. Get rid of Ten.
CASHIER: (Pause.) That would leave negative three.
(via McSweeney's)
posted by adrober on Mar 4, 2005 - 23 comments

Ye scurvy bilge rat!

What's a pirate's favorite aspect of computational linguistics? PARRRsing sentences.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate day, me hearties!
posted by louigi on Sep 19, 2004 - 14 comments

His books are required reading for the rest of your life

The Greatest War Protestor of All Time --Wise, hilarious, and kind words from Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. If you don't know who he is, fake it.
posted by chinese_fashion on Sep 15, 2004 - 7 comments

shouting politics-fiter in a crowded theatre

Pros & Cons of Kerry's Veep Choices 14. Ann Coulter, columnist Pro: Flattering position would silence her exposing of the true evil liberal agenda Con: Is composed entirely of spiders and deadly snakes writhing beneath a latex "skin." Courtesy of McSweeneys
posted by leotrotsky on May 30, 2004 - 42 comments

Rising Up and Rising Down

When is violence justified? I am now the proud owner of one of 3,500 copies of William T. Vollmann's 3,299-page study of violence, Rising Up and Rising Down, published by McSweeney's. The book (if you can call something that's seven volumes a "book") has gotten mixed reviews that lean toward positive: Scott McLemee, writing in the New York Times Book Review (reg. req.), called it a "flood of logorrhea," while Steven Moore (a literary critic notable for his work on another long-winded writer, William Gaddis) wrote in the Washington Post that it is an "achievement beyond the realm of mere mortals," comparing it to Sir James Frazer's The Golden Bough. This oral history tells the story behind how the book came to be published at McSweeney's, and is an interesting look at what needs to happen for a difficult-to-market work to make its way from its author to the general reading public, in a publishing industry that's unfriendly to this kind of thing, to say the least.
posted by Prospero on Mar 12, 2004 - 16 comments

Kafka at Camp: The Lost Diaries

Kafka at Camp: The Lost Diaries July 10,1897—In Arts and Crafts, that humid hut, the teacher stops. He looks down. I look up. I am working on something intricate, something simultaneously nothing and everything. It is made of paper. "I always wanted you to admire my origami," I say. "I do. I do admire it." "Well, you shouldn't," I say. "You're a weird little dude, Franzie."
posted by GriffX on Oct 14, 2003 - 16 comments

D'Souza and Coulter on Aliens

Unused Audio Commentary By Dinesh D'Souza and Ann Coulter, Recorded Spring 2003, for Aliens Special Red-State Edition DVD, Part One and Part Two.
posted by homunculus on Jun 2, 2003 - 18 comments

a log flume through your lower intestine?

Lost Disney Memo Found. McSweeney's posts a posthumously uncovered memo from the Disney board to Walt regarding his initial plans for a radically different "Disney-Land."
posted by jonson on Feb 20, 2003 - 22 comments

Journal of a new COBRA recruit.

Journal of a new COBRA recruit. "I report to COBRA boot camp out in Utah in the middle of June. The recruiter guy said that everyone around there thinks it's where some crazy old Mormon lives with all his wives. I'm not supposed to say anything about it to anyone. I'm supposed to tell Mom and Dad that I'm going off to work for the phone company."
posted by owillis on Nov 1, 2002 - 22 comments

If you can't stand the heat,

If you can't stand the heat, better stick to the kitchen of your dreams... Reading about the new industrial home chic in last week's Time and The Wall Street Journal, with its Viking and SubZero worship, how couldn't one be reminded of Mark Shatzker's now classic "My Dream Kitchen" piece for McSweeney's? In the light of all this fetichism, it deserves to be read afresh. For a sobering dessert, may I propose a look at Julia Child's kitchen, now in the Smithsonian?
posted by MiguelCardoso on Oct 15, 2002 - 34 comments

Is McSweeney's Sounding More And More Like Random House?

Is McSweeney's Sounding More And More Like Random House? Or is it just me? As a lifetime subscriber and fan of David Eggers, I'm sickened by the glib, shameless commercialism that now contaminates what was once an interesting website for new writers. What in the hell has happened? Or is the new book-peddling climate just another tiresome take on post-post-post modernism or, more likely, just blatant PR? (Latest example inside)
posted by MiguelCardoso on Oct 29, 2001 - 19 comments

A Clarification

A Clarification -- Dave Eggers wants to expose the process, "By reprinting your correspondence to me I hope to illuminate the journalist's mind: how a writer starts by telling me he is a fan of my work, supports my company's endeavors, etc, then writes a snippety little thing full of sneering and suspicion." so he's posted ALL of the email correspondance he had with david kirkpatrick before this unflattering piece was printed... and after.
    "I think it's important that our exchange be published. It's the only remedy commensurate with the impact you enjoyed with your original piece. I want your friends and family to see it, and to say 'David, ew.'"
    Meanspirited all around, but can you blame him?
posted by palegirl on Feb 22, 2001 - 43 comments

McSweeneys.com

McSweeneys.com — seven months later. Gerry, lead writer of the "Massachusettes McSweeney's" is ripping it up with feeble essays such as Potty Parity and Suburban Lumberjacks. He's no Ben Greenman.
posted by sylloge on Dec 2, 2000 - 6 comments

McSweeney's

McSweeney's suspends lifetime subscriptions. Sure hope mine got in under the wire.
posted by luke on May 12, 2000 - 2 comments

Mcsweeny's

Mcsweeny's is back to normal, rather abruptly. Okay, I give; what was supposed to be funny about this whole thing, anyway?
posted by mrmorgan on Apr 11, 2000 - 15 comments

If you're tired of McSweeney's, try McSweeney's.
posted by luke on Apr 9, 2000 - 4 comments

22% of McSweeneys.com visitors are using Macs

22% of McSweeneys.com visitors are using Macs which is more proof that the more intelligent your content, the more diverse your user agents. Or something. (More Mac users read Suck and Salon?)
posted by sylloge on Apr 8, 2000 - 2 comments

Latest on the mcsweeneys.net takeover.

Latest on the mcsweeneys.net takeover. If this is a prank, it's already getting old. I keep hoping for some big humor payoff, but I'm the MTV generation--speed things up! Darnit!
posted by mrmorgan on Apr 6, 2000 - 12 comments

Anyone who doubted that the mcsweeneys.com/mcsweeneys.net merger was a hoax might want to take a look at the new McSweeney's Internet Tendency home page. Somehow I don't think this is a permanent change.
posted by Hegemonic on Apr 4, 2000 - 9 comments

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