In 2008 my mother called and told me since I was away at school, I wouldn’t be in the Christmas photo that year. She jokingly suggested I “sober up” and send out my own Christmas cards.
Can't figure out what to get your least-favorite friends and relatives? You probably can't find any of these creepy vintage toys, but there many classy gift ideas in these brilliant and useless lists.
Presenting A Christmas Garland woven through with festive stories and essays by H*nry J*m*s, R*dy*rd K*pl*ng, Th*m*s H*rdy, H.G. W*lls, G**rg* B*rn*rd Sh*w, and many other worthies from the Edwardian literary c*n*n! [more inside]
That is easily enough to fracture multiple facial bones, and is probably going to knock you out cold.
The special duty of a Jewish Christmas baby by Sheila Heti Most of the people one deals with say, “Oh! You're a Christmas baby! You must get ripped off when it comes to presents, right?” Their eyes light up. It's a hard question to answer. The honest answer is, “I'm a Jew, I don't celebrate Christmas,” but saying this always seems chastising, and the person who asked then feels embarrassed (as they should) and I feel embarrassed that this is my accidental role in the world: reminding everyone that Jews exist. The times I say, gruffly, “I don't know. I'm Jewish,” they usually say, “Oh, I'm sorry!” But this always sounds to me not like, “I'm sorry I assumed you were Christian,” but rather, “I'm sorry that you're Jewish.” Given all this, I usually reply simply, “Yeah, it's awful. I get ripped off every year.” [previously from Sheila Heti]
’Twas the nocturnal time of the preceding day... A science writer's take on the famous Christmas poem.
Terry Gilliam - The Christmas Card. Gilliam made this in 1968 for the children's TV series Do Not Adjust Your Set. [Via]
Maria Bamford's One-Hour Homemade Christmas Special! by Maria Bamford, stand-up comic and pretty much a native speaker in Pretend Tiger. FYI, if you've heard some of those jokes before... it's a gift! She made it for us, for Christmas, to celebrate her success at selling out this year.
- Robert E. Howard-themed fantasy blog The Cimmerian posts a different take on a holiday classic.
- Mystery Science Theater presents A Child's Christmas in Space, A Patrick Swazye Christmas, Merry Christmas (If That's Okay), a critique of Christmas movies and shows, and a little yuletide hysteria.
- Tom Lehrer: "A Christmas Carol"
- Futurama: The Elves' Christmas Song
- Finally, there's The Colbert Report's book-burning Yule Log, both on the web and downloadable for Windows and Macintosh.
Straight No Chaser (Indiana University men's acapella group) performs this hilarious rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Want to perform it with your own acapella chorus? You're in luck. The sheet music is available as an inexpensive digital download.
"A paper around her neck said she was Ida, but Ida said nothing at all." So tells the story of the saddest, unluckiest girl that ever lived. [more inside]
It's all about the tree. (YouTube)
"Give the Jew Girl Toys" --music video by comedian Sarah Silverman
Claus...Claus...is that German?
Claus...Claus...is that German?
Vote Chris Christmas Rodriguez for Santa. [MI]
A Clown Ministry Christmas. With the ever-present crush of Yuletide commercialism, perhaps this can help you remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. More generalized Clown Ministry skits can be found here.
The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time. From An Algonquin Round Table Christmas to Noam Chomsky: Deconstructing Christmas, these are the worst Christmas specials ever. I'd pay good money to see the Ayn Rand one for real.
Like cranberry sauce on turkey.... if the cranberry sauce had been sitting open on the counter for a week...
Like cranberry sauce on turkey.... if the cranberry sauce had been sitting open on the counter for a week... Already had a snootful of cloying, pre-fab Christmas Cheer? Some good old black humor is what you need! Neil Swaab, creator of the anti-Pooh, Mr. Wiggles, has posted an excerpt from his tome "I Got Pregnant Off A Pity F*** And Now My Kid Looks Like Jerry Springer: A Book About Kids"
Alt.Xmas.Music.Lyrics. I've never been accused in the past of only posting serious news item type links - so just to prove that i'm no stick-in-the-mud here is a fun link. It apparently requires no shockwave plugins..... ladies and gentlemen--and especially you cosmopolite European members--I give you, after a wee scroll down and download.... Walking Round In Women's Underwear!! please enjoy this during work hours.