As the Christmas season winds down, but before New Year plunges a stake into its Dracula Corpse to end it, enjoy Matt Fraction
, Maggie Serota
and the War Rocket Ajax crew challening each other to create the worst Christmas mixtape
. Not interested in audio format banter and such? There is a Youtube Playlist
. WARNING: Mostly offensive for aesthetic reasons but there are some other terribles in there as well.
Since it debuted on the blue
in '11 // Epic Rap Battles of History
preppin' // to score itself more than a billion views
// and become TopDog of the pack YouTube
Made by NicePeter
// (two improv comics by Maker
employed) // The series pits icons of legend renowned // in a slick-wit freestyle rap throwdown
With snappier writing, and better FX // online celebs
(and Google Ad checks) // The Epic Rap crew's halfway done with the brew // that is Epic Rap Battles of History Part Deux
The midseason's close? It comes out today. // In one corner: Santa Claus, fresh from his sleigh
And his prophet o' doom? "He ain't Mayan," ERBoH sez.
It's Snoop Dogg -- Snoop Lion -- as mothafuckin' Moses
→ [WHO'S NEXT?]
→ [more inside]
Horror movies aren't just for Halloween: Silent Night, Bloody Night
, Black Christmas
, To All A Good Night
, Christmas Evil
(starring Fiona Apple's dad
as a homicidal Santa), Gremlins
(in which Phoebe Cates learns there is no Santa Claus
), Silent Night, Deadly Night
(which inspired Parts 2
, and 5
despite--or perhaps because of--denunciations by Siskel & Ebert
and parents' groups
, and Jack Frost
the Christmas Demon of Germanic folklore whose job it was to punish the kids on Santa's Naughty List has been featured here before
. And while most people assume he is a better-left-forgotten relic of less gentle times (or less gentle places
), he appears to be having a resurgence this year, being featured everywhere from Buzzfeed
to The Awl
. He's getting a piece of the Christmas merchandise blitz
and of course he has his own website
. There is Krampus music
and he even speaks in his own defense
. And of course, he has a 'Folk Death Metal' band named after him
But the biggest Krampus Kontroversy today is via travel/food TV maven Anthony Bourdain, who wrote and had animated a cautionary Krampus story for the holiday edition of his show, which was rejected by his bosses at the Travel Channel
. Fortunately, you can still see it on YouTube
. Happy Holidays!
A sub-directorate of the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations (BOSCO), Santa's Little Secret Service
is an Elvish security agency with the primary mission of ensuring the safety of Santa, Mrs. Claus and other high-value Christmas persons. The Service is separated into divisions
focusing on personal protection, diplomatic protection, intelligence, and Christmas certainty operations.
When not protecting Santa, LSS can found assisting in protection of other high-value, Holiday persons, such as the Easter Bunny
with the help of their unique Candy Cane weapons
REMARKS BY THE FIRST LADY TO CHILDREN WHILE TRACKING SANTA WITH NORAD
Every year NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) helps track Santa Claus's movement around the globe [previously
]. The transcript of First Lady Michelle Obama's conversations with kids on Christmas as she watches the radar, sent to the White House press list last night, is absolutely adorable. Much more at the Norad Santa headquarters
, and an interview with the head researcher
at the Department of Energy tasked with tracking St Nick.
This Christmas Eve spare a thought for the Chrildren of Iceland, who will be suffering a traumatising visit from Kertasníkir
, or "Candle Beggar", the thirteenth and final of the strange and somewhat sinister Icelandic Santas, or Yule lads, who are the childre of the ogress Gryla
. Most of them don't seem to care if you've been bad or good - mainly they want to steal your food and wreck stuff. [more inside]
6 to 8 Black Men.
Christmas in the Netherlands as described by David Sedaris (SLYT)
As households across the world quietly deploy presents from St. Nick, Kate Beaton
, author of the charming historical webcomic Hark, a Vagrant!
) remembers the tradition in a bittersweet light
. In spite of venerable op-eds
(and their animated offspring
), such pain moves some to question whether parents should teach their children to believe in Santa Claus at all
Christmas statues are commonplace in countries around the world. There are the usual snowmen
, and other types of fauna
(an update to a previous
post). But the most sought-after model is of course the Fat Man
. [more inside]
Abandoned in a hat in the middle of a snowdrift as a newborn, rescued by a woodsman and guarded by a lioness, stolen and raised by a wood nymph, instructed in the ways of all the languages of the animals as a child, on the threshold of manhood he visited medieval Europe, feudal Japan, and Arabian markets to learn the inherent evil of humanity. For his insistence on toymaking, he was terrorized and repeatedly captured by a race determined to corrupt young minds, until his immortal protector came out to defend him with a laser-shooting axe which eradicated the malevolent culture. But can that same protector defend his ward's life to the likes of the Commander of the Wind Demons? The Life and Adventures of Santa Clause, a Rankin/Bass production, Part     
What to my wondering eyes should appear
but the suggestion that "A Visit From St. Nicholas
," the classic poem which has defined the American Santa Claus, from red suit and big belly to reindeer and chimney-delivery method
, was written not by classics professor Clement Clarke Moore but by poet and military man Henry Livingston
. Though some think the authorship controversy
is sugarplum vision of Livingston's descendents, other scholars
the claim: literary 'detective' Donald Foster
agrees (though his sleuthing record is not unblemished). Leading historian of Christmas Stephen Nissenbaum
, says that either way, St. Nick is the product of the same social world, that of the wealthy white elite in the New York of the early Republic. If the claim is true, then in the convoluted history of the manuscript we've gotten some reindeer names wrong
"What do you think of that, Santa?"
Yet another case of student 'art projects' out of control . . . other incredible violations of mall-Santa lap etiquette:1, 2, 3,
and no doubt the most flagrant example, 4
. Be careful out there.
Ho Ho Ho?
Hellz No Fat Man!
Penguins With Angst
is the visual tale of a group of hoodlum penguins who vandalize a grain silo & threaten the life of Santa Claus. Easter Sacrifice
is a photostory of the kidnapping of the Easter Bunny & his eventual decapitation by the Dove of Peace. Both art projects courtesy of Exclusionary
, the online gallery of Jasper Thomas' work.
Flickr's new holiday Easter egg
The Real Story of Christmas ...Many who are excitedly preparing for their Christmas celebrations would prefer not knowing about the holiday’s real significance. If they do know the history, they often object that their celebration has nothing to do with the holiday’s monstrous history and meaning. “We are just having fun.”
Tangible Evidence. Real Discoveries. Dr. Lloyd Darrow may have proof
that something - or someone
- really exists.
Santa Santa Santa Santa
It's Friday, it's Flash, it's Christmas Eve, so....
Ho Ho Waaaahhhh!!
A lot of kids don't like standing in long lines. A lot of kids don't like strangers (especially ones with big fake beards who are laughing dementedly). A lot of kids don't like having their pictures taken. Put them all together, and you've got the nightmare of the Kid's Photo With Santa, some unfortunate results of which are immortalized in the Scared Of Santa Photo Gallery. (Link is to #2, which is my favorite.)
No Xmas in U.S. this year: Santa on Fed's "No Fly" list.
Okay, that's just "News
" from the website of satiric rockers Bah and the Humbugs
, skewering Xmas since 1985. MP3s of the entirety of this year's CD Farhenheit 12/25
are available on the website
, or you can buy the CD for $10 and all ten sheckles go to the UN World Food Programme
. More tracks here
, including the "Jolly Roger the Xmas Pirate" series and "Free the Reindeer. " Great stuff for that awkward holiday family get-together, where the music won't offend but the cool lyrics
can keep you chuckling to yourself all night.
From the Holly-Jolly uber-conservatives at Human Events comes a patriotic selection of Christmas ornaments, including George W. Bush
(with extra sparkle!) and what appears to be the Team America Santa
Have a merry, sex and gadget filled hyper-commercialized Japanese Christmas. "Well it all started when a Spanish Jesuit missionary named St. Francis Xavier brought Christmas to Japan in 1549...."
The Jesuit bid
Japan was a flop though, and now - while Jews in the West, for example, tend to go out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve, the Japanese had little connection to the Christian version - so they invented their own! Syncretistic Japan pulls in random elements of Western "Christmas" and recombines in pleasing new ways! ( shocking only to Christians ). Santa Claus on the Cross and more!
A proper Christmas in Japan - for singles - involves a hot date and visit to a "Love Hotel" where "you might be directed by scantily-clad female elves to rooms complete with Christmas trees and life-size reindeer watching the proceedings with interest.
" and "Grope Free Commutes"
, for Japanese women tired of having their asses grabbed on the subway by drunk salarymen returning from "Forget the Year" parties. This fine blog
chronicles it all: " the Dolphin-and-fish-surrounded Christmas tree", Ukelele Christmas parties - "I wandered into a score of middle aged Japanese ladies wearing Hawaiian shirts and plastic lays, tuning up their ukuleles" and more. And don't forget to buy some cool
. "...a tiny robot helicopter weighing less than 9 grams... "
Psychedelic Santa Claus.
"Modern Christmas traditions are based on ancient mushroom-using shamans." [Via J-Walk blog
Santa lays off elves "Something will definitely be missing this Christmas." said Milja Vilmila, who was told her job as an elf helping Santa no longer existed.
Too much politics today, not enough Christmas fun. Here's a drunk Santa game from b3ta. Pretty tough once you get going.
Santa brought me cookies for Christmas. I did not eat them. I sold them on eBay.
Much like the Amazon reviews
that were an artform to themselves, someone goes a little crazy with the ebay reviews.
The world's most wanted man
has embarked on his annual breaking-and-entering spree! Stop him before he reaches your house, using the power of NORAD. Track him as he wends his way around the world...(see! Missile-defense technology IS good for something!)
Twas the night before Xmas and all through the net,
The geeks would be googling the ascii character set;
Metafilter refreshed on their PCs with care,
In the hopes that their FPP soon would be there;
Then up in the blue there arose such a clatter,
Mathowie sprang up to see what's the matter;
When, what to my wondering eyes there should be,
The canonical list of "Twas" parodies.
Last weekend a horde of Santa's wreaked havoc on Washington DC's clubs, bars and adult establishments. Amazingly only one santa was decked in the entire evening.
elusive jolly old elf, has finally been located by someone curious enough (in both senses of the word) to use FedEx to track him down. (The page I linked to here only tells half the story; click that link down on the left to get FedEx's tracking page.)
Magic 8 Ball Santa
Witness the jiggling fat man! This couldn't wait for a Friday humor post. I've asked questions like:
Will that cute brunette ever return my call? Will the Cincinnati Bengals go undefeated next year? Oh those lonely times at work...Huzzah!
. Too much politics today, not enough Christmas fun. Here's a drunk Santa game from b3ta. Pretty tough once you get going.
Previously mentioned here
, a year ago. "Got your own Web site? Got an Amazon wishlist? If the answer to both of these is yes, and you like the idea of giving and receiving, you should definitely sign up."
Well, it's that time of year again.
Santa cleared for interstate flight.
The DOT has approved Santa's request for Christmas Eve air travel in the U.S. I find it interesting that, this year, "Santa also says that he has a sky marshal of sorts aboard."
This game wasted a good two hours at work yesterday. It's a flash game, but with 70's gaming appeal.
I played it so much I finally found the easter egg
, supposedly the site of its "creator." It's on level three, click the moon. A Christmas
game with an Easter egg
, I dunno.