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Congratulations Graduates! Here are some comedic commencement speeches to send you off into the world:

Stephen Colbert's advice for the Northwestern graduating class of 2011: Don't follow your stupid dreams. Jokes start right away, serious bits start 18 minutes in.

Amy Poehler addresses the facts of the 9/11 memories of recent graduates.

Comedian Dwight Slade speaks to his own high school graduate.

More? [more inside]
posted by Potomac Avenue on Jun 20, 2011 - 19 comments

Jonathan Franzen's essay, excerpted from his commencement speech at Kenyon College says, among other things "To speak more generally, the ultimate goal of technology... is to replace a natural world that’s indifferent to our wishes ... with a world so responsive to our wishes as to be, effectively, a mere extension of the self." [more inside]
posted by dubold on May 30, 2011 - 71 comments

Ten Commencement Speakers You Wish You'd Had
posted by netbros on May 21, 2011 - 70 comments

On May 7th, Robert Krulwich (of WNYC's RadioLab and accompanying NPR blog Krulwich Wonders) gave the commencement speech to Berkeley Journalism School’s Class of 2011 on the future of journalism. (Via) [more inside]
posted by zarq on May 13, 2011 - 22 comments

"As Hannah Montana once said..." A Med School commencement speech about what it means to be called a Doctor. [more inside]
posted by Potomac Avenue on Jan 21, 2011 - 6 comments

"Good news -- this is the point in the graduation speech where I tell you a personal anecdote about perseverance and then quote a song." Lexington High School in suburban Boston is the alma mater of comic theorist Scott McCloud, evironmentalist Bill McKibben, a winner of Survivor, an SNL cast member, thinky writer Melanie Thernstrom, and MetaFilter favorite Amanda Palmer. But when it was time to choose a commencement speaker they wisely went with Eugene Mirman, LHS class of 1992. (SLLOLYT) (Eugene Mirman battles the pink robots, previously on MetaFilter.)
posted by escabeche on Aug 29, 2010 - 24 comments

Now-retired Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter got invited to deliver this year's commencement address at Harvard. He used the opportunity to expound on his legal philosophy and to give a not-too-subtle smack down to the originalists he so often argued with on the court. [more inside]
posted by AwkwardPause on Jun 5, 2010 - 37 comments

Ann Curry dispenses graduation advice to the wrong student body. Close but no cigar.
posted by fixedgear on May 25, 2010 - 35 comments

All of you have been given a harsh gift. It’s the same gift the graduating class of 1917, and 1938, and 1968 and now you guys got – the chance to enter adulthood when the world teeters on the rim of the sphincter of oblivion. You’re jumping into the deep end. You have no choice but to be exceptional. Patton Oswalt addresses the class of 2008 at his old high school. [more inside]
posted by jbickers on Jul 10, 2008 - 104 comments

Fifty years ago, I suspect that along with Mickey Mantle, Willie Mays, and Sandy Koufax, most Americans could have named, at the very least, Robert Frost, Carl Sandburg, Arthur Miller, Thornton Wilder, Georgia O'Keeffe, Leonard Bernstein, Leontyne Price, and Frank Lloyd Wright. Not to mention scientists and thinkers like Linus Pauling, Jonas Salk, Rachel Carson, Margaret Mead, and especially Dr. Alfred Kinsey.
The prepared text of the speech delivered by Dana Gioia at Stanford University Commencement on June 17, 2007.
posted by cgc373 on Jun 26, 2007 - 153 comments

Stephen Colbert's Knox College Commencement Speech. In a similar vein to Jon Stewart's William and Mary speech and Conan O'Brien's Harvard speech.
posted by cloeburner on Jun 5, 2006 - 55 comments

"The water, it came to your school. The gasoline, chemicals, sewage and blood came to your doorstep. It settled into the ground of this courtyard where we now gather." Chris Rose's commencement speech at Ursuline Academy in New Orleans.
posted by ColdChef on May 15, 2006 - 13 comments

David Foster Wallace's commencement speech at Kenyon University
Please don't worry that I'm getting ready to lecture you about compassion or other-directedness or all the so-called virtues. This is not a matter of virtue. It's a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting which is to be deeply and literally self-centered and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self.
The author of Infinite Jest attempts to explain what is wrong with your brain's default settings.
posted by Edible Energy on Jun 29, 2005 - 26 comments

Remarks by President Bush Long, but worth it.
posted by David Dark on Jun 3, 2004 - 139 comments

Bono's commencement address to U.Penn. "The world is more malleable than you think and it's waiting for you to hammer it into shape.... That's what this degree of yours is, a blunt instrument. So go forth and build something with it." [via Ed]
posted by rory on Jun 2, 2004 - 46 comments

Will Ferrell's Harvard commencement speech quotes from the greatest -- "I believe it was Shakespeare who said it best when he said, 'Look yonder into the darkness for knowledge onto which I say go onto that which thou possess into thy night for thee have come with only a single sword and vanquished thee into darkness.'" - Some Sunday humor for MeFolk.
posted by Civil_Disobedient on Jul 13, 2003 - 21 comments

We will strike first announced President Bush at the West Point graduation ceremony. I was camping this weekend, so I just saw this. I am surprised that it hasn't generated more commentary. The actual text of the speech can be found here.
posted by Irontom on Jun 3, 2002 - 124 comments

Commencement speech about civil liberties drowned out by hecklers. When the publisher of the Sacremento Bee's speech moved to topics regarding racial profiling, liberty, and the war on terrorism's effect on each, the friends and family of the students started stomping and clapping and making a nuisance, so much so that she couldn't continue. The speech, in its entirety, will be posted soon. via Drudge
posted by taumeson on Dec 17, 2001 - 38 comments

Conan O'Brien's 2000 Harvard Commencement Speech Conan wrote what is probably the funniest speech I have ever read, enjoy.
posted by fil! on May 31, 2001 - 9 comments

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