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and with a cat like that you know you should be cats

The world is a dark and a terrible place. Horrible, morally insane things are happening. Let us resist them as best we are able, and in the meantime replace various nouns in the lyrics of well-known pop songs with the word “cats,” that we might whistle against the coming of the night together a while longer.
Song Lyrics Improved By Replacing Proper Nouns With Cats: Part 1. Part 2. By Mallory Ortberg. DLTT.
posted by medusa on Aug 19, 2014 - 52 comments

When we profile your rage we are reacting to the facts.

Regulations For Your RageThe Toast
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome on Aug 16, 2014 - 17 comments

Hey Ladies! and the Shudder of Recognition

Ok, this may be the most important email I send all year, so PLEASE RESPOND RIGHT AWAY. We need to figure out our summer weekend plans ASAP!!!! We’re closing in on our mid-twenties and I think this is gonna be the summer we all meet our potential first husbands, so location is EVERYTHING!!! Plus Sex and the City. Let’s take a vote! Creeping psychological horror, hilarious satire, or terribly accurate glimpse into the emails of a group of passive aggressive group of "friends" in their mid-late twenties? The Hey Ladies saga by Michelle Markowitz and Caroline Moss at The Toast chronicles the adventures of a group of friends who live in New York via their group emails as they plan various outings and events. [more inside]
posted by yasaman on Aug 14, 2014 - 138 comments

The Cod Will Never Return, And We Must Go To Alberta

Every Canadian Novel Ever [more inside]
posted by TheWhiteSkull on Aug 12, 2014 - 72 comments

Today We Honor Ralph Wiggum

There is no place on the social structure for a second-grade boy who thinks rats are “pointy kitties” and calls his teacher “Mommy.” Kids can be misfits (Milhouse), or they can be brownnosers (Martin), or they can be troublemakers (Nelson), or they can be tattle-tales (Sherri and Terri), but being Ralph is simply not a taxonomically viable option. Ralph Wiggum's Finest Moments.
posted by Ghostride The Whip on Aug 11, 2014 - 121 comments

Four weeks later, you move to Florida.

How To Tell If You’re In Lesbian Pulp Fiction by Carolyn Yates. SLTT. [more inside]
posted by medusa on Aug 4, 2014 - 24 comments

The Judgment of Paris (and a neck that can bend 140 degrees)

Mallory Ortberg of The Toast continues the fine tradition of providing not-so-serious narration to very-serious art. This time, she tackles the Judgment of Paris, a theme "based on a legend where three supremely powerful goddesses asked a worthless male mortal to rank them in order of attractiveness in order to win a sculpture of a fruit." [more inside]
posted by Ouverture on Jul 22, 2014 - 56 comments

Trudy Campbell Is A KGB Spy

Trudy Campbell Is A KGB Spy Mefi's own The Whelk offers a modest proposal [via mefi projects].
posted by box on Jun 1, 2014 - 27 comments

Flaws Only A Protagonist Could Have

“I just want to be normal,” she said, even though she had amazing powers and a super-family and was mega-gorgeous and better than normal in every way and the entire book would be terrible if she were normal and she had no conception of what normal was to begin with.
posted by Ned G on Apr 30, 2014 - 63 comments

“Jostling occurred for an extended period of time, then silence.”

Erotica Written By an Alien Pretending Not to be Horrified at the Human Body. (slTheToast)
posted by Kitteh on Apr 3, 2014 - 60 comments

Top 20 Bubble Butts Throughout Art History

Top 20 Bubble Butts From The Toast
posted by bq on Mar 5, 2014 - 33 comments

Your Ability to Can Even

A Defense of Internet Linguistics --because "sometimes “AODEHwhddhwdwebw” is far more eloquent than saying “I’m so overtaken with emotion, I can barely type so I smashed the keyboard with my forehead.” [more inside]
posted by warm_planet on Feb 24, 2014 - 35 comments

First, we must dispose of any obstacles

Rory and Paris: The Real Gilmore Girls
I am going to make you want something that you may or may not have already known that you wanted. I am going to make you realize that the real love story at the heart of Gilmore Girls took place between two tightly-wound, highly-strung, overachieving rivals-turned-roommates who wore matching ties and skirts and engaged in sexually charged fencing sessions. The mutual respect, admiration, and trust that sprang up between Rory Gilmore and Paris Gellar was hard-fought and slowly earned; theirs was a friendship forged and refined slowly over the years. They grew into the shape of one another. Put aside your dreams of Jess, that human sneeze; let Logan sail away on his yacht of indifference into the sunset: Rory/Paris are endgame.
Femslash Friday is a series on The Toast ... [more inside]
posted by the man of twists and turns on Jan 3, 2014 - 44 comments

Turn the lights out and say Benadryl Cumbia three times in front of a

A Linguist Explains the Rules of Summoning Benedict Cumberbatch. The same linguist elaborates.
posted by Rustic Etruscan on Dec 2, 2013 - 333 comments

“Feminism,” she said to herself, and then put on some red lipstick.

A Day In the Life of an Empowered Female Heroine (Previously)
posted by Artw on Nov 17, 2013 - 127 comments

oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh

Text Messages From A Jack O'Lantern.
posted by mightygodking on Oct 31, 2013 - 34 comments

Herein lies the peace of God.

It was Ben who introduced me to A Course In Miracles. He was part of a self-help group that ran workshops based on a couple of popular New Age spiritual philosophies. Ben credited this group with his ongoing recovery from a mysterious undiagnosed chronic pain and illness, and he encouraged me to embrace it as a cure for whatever it was that caused me to spend so many of my days unable to get out of bed.
"Failing a Course in Miracles," Anne Ouellette, The Toast
posted by Rustic Etruscan on Sep 17, 2013 - 17 comments

It's Not Slash Fic If It Actually Happened

Oscar Wilde And Walt Whitman Totally Did It (The Sex).
posted by The Whelk on Sep 17, 2013 - 80 comments

Lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them

"Unlike most teen dramas, Buffy wasn’t a narrative about finding an identity; it was always about having a lot of them." Kim O'Connor for The Toast on Buffy Summers, growing up, identity, and how saving the world every week is a better model than just getting through high school.
posted by The Whelk on Aug 20, 2013 - 113 comments

Planting Flowers with V.C. Andrews

For many North American women of a certain age, sneak-reading a copy of V.C. Andrews’ bestselling novel Flowers in the Attic was a teen rite of passage. The story of four siblings locked in an attic by their mother (and guarded by their cruel grandmother) made for strangely compelling gothic titillation. On August 12, The Toast celebrated V.C. Andrews Day by publishing editor Ann Patty's account of how she came to acquire the manuscript in 1978 and form a relationship with the reclusive author. [more inside]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl on Aug 19, 2013 - 33 comments

Our Mother Chaos Rules All

Fiction and Real Life are Different, You Moron. A cartoon about sports.
posted by no regrets, coyote on Aug 7, 2013 - 24 comments

Not Featured: "Waterlillies" or "The Kiss"

What The Posters In Your First Apartment Say About You Now
posted by The Whelk on Jul 31, 2013 - 357 comments

No magic here, fellow; it is but the charm of her makeups.

The modern male singer-songwriter has a type. She is thin. She wears a great deal of eye makeup. She is pale. She does not smile, and often walks in the rain. Most importantly, she is very, very sad....These Sad Girls are all terribly, terribly sad in their own unique ways, of course, but which one of them is the saddest? The Toast investigates.
posted by troika on Jul 24, 2013 - 65 comments

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