The Abridged Scripts
February 10, 2011 10:41 PM Subscribe
Rod Hilton has been "editing" and abridging movie scripts since 1998 (first script: Godzilla). In all this time, he has given 5 stars to only six movies: Saving Private Ryan; The Matrix; Being John Malkovich; Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King; and Inception. (Previously)
Reminds me of "Michael Bay's Rejected Dark Knight Script" (previously).
posted by Rhaomi at 11:01 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Rhaomi at 11:01 PM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wow, someone wrote Ocean’s 14 while tripping balls.
That's gotta be the best take on Inception I've seen yet.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:05 PM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
That's gotta be the best take on Inception I've seen yet.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:05 PM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
EXT. SNOW FORTRESS
Everyone finds themselves in GOLDENEYE.
posted by reductiondesign at 11:11 PM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
Everyone finds themselves in GOLDENEYE.
posted by reductiondesign at 11:11 PM on February 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
His Inception is gold:
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Alright everyone, roll call! Leonardo, with the power to endanger everyone with my personal demons!
DILEEP RAO
Dileep, with the power to physically hand you sedatives that you could just buy from me!
TOM HARDY
Tom, with the power to mimic handwriting, which somehow translates into physical metamorphosis inside of a dream!
ELLEN PAGE
Ellen, with the power to– oh hang on, I just got a call on my hamburger phone.
posted by zippy at 11:36 PM on February 10, 2011
Alright everyone, roll call! Leonardo, with the power to endanger everyone with my personal demons!
Dileep, with the power to physically hand you sedatives that you could just buy from me!
Tom, with the power to mimic handwriting, which somehow translates into physical metamorphosis inside of a dream!
Ellen, with the power to– oh hang on, I just got a call on my hamburger phone.
posted by zippy at 11:36 PM on February 10, 2011
Oh, the Inception one is a thing of beauty.
posted by jaynewould at 11:52 PM on February 10, 2011
posted by jaynewould at 11:52 PM on February 10, 2011
NATALIE PORTMAN
This movie is weird. It’s basically just “Showgirls” with less sex.
MILA sticks her hand down NATALIE’S PANTS.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Just “Showgirls,” then.
posted by jaynewould at 11:59 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
This movie is weird. It’s basically just “Showgirls” with less sex.
MILA sticks her hand down NATALIE’S PANTS.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Just “Showgirls,” then.
posted by jaynewould at 11:59 PM on February 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh man, that just helped me so much with my Inception frustration.
posted by rudster at 12:17 AM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rudster at 12:17 AM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Having never ever read a proper script, I always find this rigid and yet completely descriptive format completely hilarious.
posted by beepbeepboopboop at 12:23 AM on February 11, 2011
posted by beepbeepboopboop at 12:23 AM on February 11, 2011
From Tron: Legacy:
OLIVIA WILDE
Over here is Jeff’s custom lightcycle. It’s the fastest one ever built.
GARRETT HEDLUND
Cool, sounds like the setup for an epic cycle race later in the movie.
OLIVIA WILDE
Nah, you’re just going to ride it into town and then give it to a robo-hobo.
posted by zippy at 1:00 AM on February 11, 2011
OLIVIA WILDE
Over here is Jeff’s custom lightcycle. It’s the fastest one ever built.
GARRETT HEDLUND
Cool, sounds like the setup for an epic cycle race later in the movie.
OLIVIA WILDE
Nah, you’re just going to ride it into town and then give it to a robo-hobo.
posted by zippy at 1:00 AM on February 11, 2011
SCIENTIST
One bomb? You can’t blow up an asteroid the size of Texas up with one bomb! You..
BILLY BOB THORNTON
You’re fired.
posted by IvoShandor at 1:02 AM on February 11, 2011
One bomb? You can’t blow up an asteroid the size of Texas up with one bomb! You..
BILLY BOB THORNTON
You’re fired.
posted by IvoShandor at 1:02 AM on February 11, 2011
Complete genius. I have an tanker full of work to do today with deadlines a plenty but I am going to fit it around reading this site because a) I am a procrastinating fool & b) it is totally brilliant.
I love how, like any good satirist, he nails the stuff he loves as much as that he doesn't. And he gets bonus points for his Star Wars rewrites and high * rating for prequels leading to much gnashing & wailing in the comments.
Ah the comments. Some people just don't get the joke and are offended by the fact he's taking the piss, some get all 'And another thing that does ring true because I am not joking I am making a serious analytical point and refuse to acknowledge the concept of artistic licence ' and others just repeat their favourite lines.
posted by i_cola at 4:46 AM on February 11, 2011
I love how, like any good satirist, he nails the stuff he loves as much as that he doesn't. And he gets bonus points for his Star Wars rewrites and high * rating for prequels leading to much gnashing & wailing in the comments.
Ah the comments. Some people just don't get the joke and are offended by the fact he's taking the piss, some get all 'And another thing that does ring true because I am not joking I am making a serious analytical point and refuse to acknowledge the concept of artistic licence ' and others just repeat their favourite lines.
posted by i_cola at 4:46 AM on February 11, 2011
I'm so glad this made a FPP. Rod Hilton's been keeping me entertained for years and years and years...
In fact, I've gone and watched movies because of this abridged scripts...
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script
SIENNA MILLER
Channing, hand over the weapon or I’ll blow your brains out.
CHANNING TATUM
Sienna? Are you a ninja librarian now? Because if so, that’s hot.
Yeah, I'm shallow...
posted by mikelieman at 6:08 AM on February 11, 2011
In fact, I've gone and watched movies because of this abridged scripts...
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script
SIENNA MILLER
Channing, hand over the weapon or I’ll blow your brains out.
CHANNING TATUM
Sienna? Are you a ninja librarian now? Because if so, that’s hot.
Yeah, I'm shallow...
posted by mikelieman at 6:08 AM on February 11, 2011
Star Trek
EXT. IOWA – UNITED STATES – EARTH – LONG SCENE HEADING
A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC. A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.
YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is your name?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
My name is Chris Overacting Pine!
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is the point of this scene?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
I have absolutely no fucking clue!
YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.
CHRIS PINE
Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it’s only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you. Let’s go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.
ZOE SALDANA
Ack! Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this? Why are my thoughts being written down? What’s going on?
CHRIS PINE
That’s dialogue. It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.
ZOE SALDANA
Uhura has actual lines? Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here. Can someone rescue me from this?
Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN. Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
I looked up your file. Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.
CHRIS PINE
Off the charts? Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.
posted by mikelieman at 6:16 AM on February 11, 2011
EXT. IOWA – UNITED STATES – EARTH – LONG SCENE HEADING
A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC. A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.
YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is your name?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
My name is Chris Overacting Pine!
POLICE OFFICER
Citizen! What is the point of this scene?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
I have absolutely no fucking clue!
YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.
CHRIS PINE
Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it’s only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you. Let’s go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.
ZOE SALDANA
Ack! Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this? Why are my thoughts being written down? What’s going on?
CHRIS PINE
That’s dialogue. It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.
ZOE SALDANA
Uhura has actual lines? Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here. Can someone rescue me from this?
Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN. Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.
BRUCE GREENWOOD
I looked up your file. Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.
CHRIS PINE
Off the charts? Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.
posted by mikelieman at 6:16 AM on February 11, 2011
RACHEL NICHOLS
That’s “Snake Eyes”. He doesn’t talk.
CHANNING TATUM
Because he took a mysterious vow of silence when he was in training?
RACHEL NICHOLS
Nah, I think it’s because someone made his costume with skin-tight lips for some reason.
RAY PARK
Mrrphhgle.
posted by PsychoTherapist at 6:27 AM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
That’s “Snake Eyes”. He doesn’t talk.
CHANNING TATUM
Because he took a mysterious vow of silence when he was in training?
RACHEL NICHOLS
Nah, I think it’s because someone made his costume with skin-tight lips for some reason.
RAY PARK
Mrrphhgle.
posted by PsychoTherapist at 6:27 AM on February 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had this as my Facebook status not too long ago, right after watching The Social Network:
ARMAND HAMMER: Why the hell was this scene filmed using tilt-shift photography?
DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER: The same reason I used CGI to put your face on two different bodies instead of just casting twins: I’m David Fucking Fincher!
posted by Lucinda at 6:35 AM on February 11, 2011
ARMAND HAMMER: Why the hell was this scene filmed using tilt-shift photography?
DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER: The same reason I used CGI to put your face on two different bodies instead of just casting twins: I’m David Fucking Fincher!
posted by Lucinda at 6:35 AM on February 11, 2011
SHYAMALAN is shot by the audience, who figured out that WILLIS was a ghost long ago. He is now DEAD.
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Mom? The director is standing outside my window.
HALEY’S MOM
Freak.
posted by swift at 6:48 AM on February 11, 2011
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
Mom? The director is standing outside my window.
HALEY’S MOM
Freak.
posted by swift at 6:48 AM on February 11, 2011
See Also:
Movies in 15 Minutes (And the brilliant LoTR Parody that spawned it)
posted by schmod at 8:17 AM on February 11, 2011
Movies in 15 Minutes (And the brilliant LoTR Parody that spawned it)
posted by schmod at 8:17 AM on February 11, 2011
"Wait, really? You mean, to hide him from Hayden and Ian, we’re going to allow him to keep the last name Skywalker, bring him to Hayden’s birth planet, and put him in the care of his actual relatives? It would take like an hour of research to track him down if the Empire wanted him."
posted by Melismata at 10:40 AM on February 11, 2011
posted by Melismata at 10:40 AM on February 11, 2011
From Indiana Jones: The One That Shouldn't Have Been Made:
SHIA LABEOUF
Pick up MAP. Use MAP on HARRISON FORD. Walk To TOMB.
Very clever Mr. Hilton, very clever indeed.
posted by Panjandrum at 11:19 AM on February 11, 2011
SHIA LABEOUF
Pick up MAP. Use MAP on HARRISON FORD. Walk To TOMB.
Very clever Mr. Hilton, very clever indeed.
posted by Panjandrum at 11:19 AM on February 11, 2011
CILLIAN MURPHY: "Fuck you, dad! I’m dissolving your company! Out of love! Give me a hug!"
I love Inception to death, but yeah, this was perfect.
posted by immlass at 11:28 AM on February 11, 2011
I love Inception to death, but yeah, this was perfect.
posted by immlass at 11:28 AM on February 11, 2011
"Wait, really? You mean, to hide him from Hayden and Ian, we’re going to allow him to keep the last name Skywalker, bring him to Hayden’s birth planet, and put him in the care of his actual relatives? It would take like an hour of research to track him down if the Empire wanted him."
George Lucas had the opportunity to present a plausible scenario to explain this, but tossed it away in a fit of laziness. In more recent times this has morphed into The Wachowski Manoeuvre: Do a film originally intended as a one-off, be surprised by the financial and critical success - and then spend the sequels unsuccessfully attempting to get out of the very obvious corner you've painted yourself into with the original film.
posted by panboi at 7:21 PM on February 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
George Lucas had the opportunity to present a plausible scenario to explain this, but tossed it away in a fit of laziness. In more recent times this has morphed into The Wachowski Manoeuvre: Do a film originally intended as a one-off, be surprised by the financial and critical success - and then spend the sequels unsuccessfully attempting to get out of the very obvious corner you've painted yourself into with the original film.
posted by panboi at 7:21 PM on February 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
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Fantastic stuff.
posted by quarsan at 10:56 PM on February 10, 2011