We're going to need to talk about these false positives on your next performance review, boy shepherd.
April 23, 2011 7:50 AM   Subscribe

Cracked.com and VirusComix join forces to present: Non-bullshit Fables.
posted by Eideteker (19 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:58 AM on April 23, 2011

I hate cracked.com, but that was actually awesome (love VirusComix).
posted by Gator at 7:59 AM on April 23, 2011

That was great, but I wouldn't expect any less from the creator of Subnormality (I should really take some time to explore VirusComix's other oeuvres).
posted by kilo hertz at 8:08 AM on April 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Kilo, you should totally read Captain Estar Goes To Heaven.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:11 AM on April 23, 2011

If you find yourself in a fable or storybook universe, make sure you don't take up with a handsome stranger, talk to any animals, sing to anything, or go flower picking on a warm mid-summer day.

If you find yourself in a German fairy tale for the love of god keep your mouth shut and don't get any funny ideas.
posted by The Whelk at 8:29 AM on April 23, 2011 [7 favorites]

Worth it for "Skyentology" alone.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:40 AM on April 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

Pretty funny (I liked the Grasshopper and the Ant) although I can't hate on Aesop solely because of the crow and vase. Now that's a useful fable!
posted by codacorolla at 8:42 AM on April 23, 2011

Fable: The little match girl
Moral: Hard work, suffering, does not guarantee success.
posted by The Whelk at 8:51 AM on April 23, 2011

But when, oh when, will "The Bat and the Weasels" get its due...
posted by knilstad at 9:13 AM on April 23, 2011

That was hilarious. I love the Subnormality guy, or Winston Rowntree (or whatever his real name is). I think one reason I really dig his work is that time travel is a running gag through his strips-- like in this one about time travelers trying to kill Hitler, or this one involving hapless neo-Nazis who travel to the future, or quite possibly my favorite where the butterfly effect is discussed.

I know, I'm such a nerd...
posted by suburbanbeatnik at 9:23 AM on April 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Can't forget this one, also pertaining to time travel (a personal favourite).
posted by kilo hertz at 10:01 AM on April 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

Actually, their take on the Boy Who Cried Wolf was a complete lie -- the boy would have been immediately hired as a political operative to use his previously successful fear-based propaganda to help the King keep the reigns of power -- and his old job would have gone to someone who would pay even less attention than before...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:09 AM on April 23, 2011

Rowntree's partnership with Cracked isn't new. He's been doing a regular strip for them for quite a while. Longtime readers of Subnormality will remember that the comic used to be more punchline-based than it is now; a lot of those punchline-based comics moved over to Cracked.
posted by outlandishmarxist at 10:11 AM on April 23, 2011

I'm surprised and perplexed to discover that a duck wearing a helmet is something I apparently find amusing.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:57 AM on April 23, 2011

Just in time for Easter, Non-Bullshit Parables:

In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God, nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, "Grant me justice against my adversary."

For some time he refused, but finally he said "I will hear the widow's plea, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming. However, her adversary was a very influential man in the town, and a friend of the judge. So, the judge found in favor of her adversary and assigned punitive damages to the widow. When she could not pay, he had her land and possessions taken from her.

And the Lord said, "You can't fight city hall."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:25 PM on April 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Fable: The Cat and Venus

A CAT fell in love with a handsome young man, and entreated Venus
to change her into the form of a woman. Venus consented to her
request and transformed her into a beautiful damsel, so that the
youth saw her and loved her, and took her home as his bride.
While the two were reclining in their chamber, Venus wishing to
discover if the Cat in her change of shape had also altered her
habits of life, let down a mouse in the middle of the room. The
Cat, quite forgetting her present condition, started up from the
couch and pursued the mouse, wishing to eat it. Venus was much
disappointed and again caused her to return to her former shape.

Moral: Venus is a jerk.
posted by The Whelk at 1:29 PM on April 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Fable: The Farmer and the Cranes

SOME CRANES made their feeding grounds on some plowlands newly
sown with wheat. For a long time the Farmer, brandishing an
empty sling, chased them away by the terror he inspired; but when
the birds found that the sling was only swung in the air, they
ceased to take any notice of it and would not move. The Farmer,
on seeing this, charged his sling with stones, and killed a great
number. The remaining birds at once forsook his fields, crying
to each other, "It is time for us to be off to Liliput: for this
man is no longer content to scare us, but begins to show us in
earnest what he can do."

Moral: Throw rocks at birds.

Fable: The Dogs and the Hides

SOME DOGS famished with hunger saw a number of cowhides steeping
in a river. Not being able to reach them, they agreed to drink
up the river, but it happened that they burst themselves with
drinking long before they reached the hides.

Moral: Stupid dogs can't swim, but can drink enough water they explode.

Fable: The Crab and the Fox

A CRAB, forsaking the seashore, chose a neighboring green meadow
as its feeding ground. A Fox came across him, and being very
hungry ate him up. Just as he was on the point of being eaten,
the Crab said, "I well deserve my fate, for what business had I
on the land, when by my nature and habits I am only adapted for
the sea?'

Moral: Don't get any funny ideas underclass.
posted by The Whelk at 1:39 PM on April 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Fable: The Oxen and the Butchers

THE OXEN once upon a time sought to destroy the Butchers, who
practiced a trade destructive to their race. They assembled on a
certain day to carry out their purpose, and sharpened their horns
for the contest. But one of them who was exceedingly old (for
many a field had he plowed) thus spoke: "These Butchers, it is
true, slaughter us, but they do so with skillful hands, and with
no unnecessary pain. If we get rid of them, we shall fall into
the hands of unskillful operators, and thus suffer a double
death: for you may be assured, that though all the Butchers
should perish, yet will men never want beef."

Moral: There are collaborators in every movement.
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on April 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

I just came in to say that I admire Winston Rowntree greatly both as an artist and storyteller. Especially for A Christmas Eve in the Future and Things They Don't Tell You (But Should).
posted by ob1quixote at 3:16 AM on April 24, 2011

« Older The Gutsiest Gal to Ever Gather News!   |   The Thunderclown Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments