Poems About Internet Dating
June 22, 2011 1:23 PM   Subscribe

Poems About Internet Dating. Does what it says in the profile.
posted by escabeche (50 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
Or it gets the hose again.
posted by zamboni at 1:24 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


I have deleted
the message
that was in
my inbox

In which
you were probably
angling
for booty

Forgive me
it was ridiculous
so slight
and so dull
posted by cortex at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2011 [32 favorites]


I wasn't expecting to like this. But I do.


Somewhere along the line,
I acquired a weakness for the easy courtesies and unrepentant
pork consumption displayed by men who grew up calling their fathers “sir.”

posted by crackingdes at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


These are not all fabulous, but enough of them are.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


This Is Just To Say...

I have dated
the bodies
that were on
the Internet

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:32 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


I would have preferred Rude Limericks About Internet Dating. Can the thread be about that instead?
posted by dubold at 1:34 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


Once upon a time a girl responded to me

digitally

She was quite a flirtatious for an entire day
But when we met I found she was selling AmWay
posted by glaucon at 1:37 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


here is a picture of
my wang
do you like it
posted by brain_drain at 1:38 PM on June 22, 2011 [20 favorites]


There once was a stalker from craigslist
who wanted to eat you for breakfast.
He was paler than grubs
as he lurked in the shrubs
with a lock of your hair in his damp fist.
posted by dubold at 1:39 PM on June 22, 2011 [11 favorites]


I wasn't expecting to like this. But I do.

I really wanted to like it but I ended up hating it.

I can't unlink this post, but I can offer this alert
to the community.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:40 PM on June 22, 2011


Their once was a MeFite named dubold,
Who thought WCW had got so old:
He begged for a limerick,
On dating a limpdick,
A LOLCat, a Weiner, or cuckold.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:45 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


so much depends
upon

a profile
picture

glazed with bad
light

beside your terrible taste
in bands.
posted by Apropos of Something at 1:52 PM on June 22, 2011 [8 favorites]


On facebook a girl Liked your photo
Of you, cooking up some risotto
You sent her a poke
But then your heart broke
When she turned out to be "Frank DeSoto"
posted by cortex at 1:53 PM on June 22, 2011 [4 favorites]


I checked your profile out
to see what you were all about

I wasn't quite sure
when your eyes went a blur

but when you cried your love of cats
I found you insane like the shit of bats
posted by P.o.B. at 1:59 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


On the Internet
Nobody knows that you're a
Congressman Weiner
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:59 PM on June 22, 2011


There once was a lad with a bean
Who only asked "What does it mean?"
A helpful young lass
Shoved that bean up his ass
And said "Let's go watch Paula Deen"
posted by mrgrimm at 1:59 PM on June 22, 2011 [4 favorites]


Metafiler trots out its poetry cliches
like past relationships on a first date.
This blog was really good,
Which one will I call back?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:09 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Inbox


(You have 0 messages)





That one was more of an avant-garde piece!
posted by naju at 2:14 PM on June 22, 2011 [12 favorites]


(for those of you who like these poems, please post your faves. they are atrocious to me in a way that I can't put my finger on.)
posted by mrgrimm at 2:15 PM on June 22, 2011


atrocious to me in a way that I can't put my finger on

That's what she said,
Just before deleting my e-mail
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:18 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


for this rain is gentle, hanging
over and through clogged dandelion screen
the rose in the blooms way
the dead bird from yesterday
wading in the street with forked tool
for sticks stuck on metal and concrete in
Archimedes sated grate.
Neptune, the tree by the creek
older then clapboard stands on
graced platform, roots exposed
waiting.
posted by clavdivs at 2:22 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


They read like any typical blog post, just with poor formatting.
posted by SomaSoda at 2:23 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


Well, I am just going to link to this poem, which is similar in spirit, but I actually really like it.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 2:25 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Here are a couple of lines that really grabbed me:

"The truth is, weeks after this
I find myself entangled again
with an ex: A reaction,
if not equal, or opposite, or wise."

"At least this is a movie I would watch."

"and you’re probably not as good at being a bitch
as you think you are."

This one is the entire poem:

"I can’t help suspecting You take care of yourself means
I like a girl who gets her nails done
and I bite mine."

" I never loved anyone
who kissed me too soon.

I can’t unkiss you. But I can offer this alert
to the community."

The above are all bits that hit me hard - they don't necessarily work outside of the context, but there's some real insight there, I think.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:28 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think some of them poems have great images and some interesting observations, and even the ones that have overall metaphors that are straining to work usually do so in such a way that they are far superior to your average Carrie Bradshaw Sex in the City framing device.

But poetry
to me
is about more
than just
deciding
to hit the carriage
return early.

Maybe the poems are meant to have a tempo that I'm just not getting from the way the lines have been broken. But maybe not.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:31 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


For some peculiar reason, unknown even to me, if you asked me if I thought that this was actually secretly one of the best things that I've seen on the internet in a long time, then I'd have to say yes. Yes, I do. Technically speaking, it's part of the FAQ and not one of the poems. But still...
posted by .kobayashi. at 2:32 PM on June 22, 2011


I think you'll be delighted
to know I love animals too
I hope it wasn't shortsighted
that I didn't include a pic of my cockatoo

But maybe this one you might like
of course it's me without a shirt
looking athletic while sitting on my bike
a little grunged and in a bit of dirt

Without any guilt
I've sent another for you to see
Of course I'm well built
shown by the size of my pee-pee!
posted by P.o.B. at 2:35 PM on June 22, 2011


I do not like long, moonlit walks on the beach.
Stumbling in the dark, getting sand in my shoes,
And crabs. I do not like getting crabs.

Kittens can go right to Hell.

I like tattoos, though. And blowing shit up.
Will you go out with me, my Internet soulmate?
We can go to shows, or demolition derby.

I'll take you home to meet my Mother.

I keep her chained up in attic.
Oh, she died years ago. I'm not a monster.
The chains are hardly ever necessary.

Seriously. Fuck kittens.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:35 PM on June 22, 2011 [6 favorites]


Thanks for the honest likes and opinions. I'm just not feeling it.

But poetry
to me
is about more
than just
deciding
to hit the carriage
return early.


"You can’t just add a bunch of line breaks and call a thing a poem
(I imagine them saying)."

Pre-emptive self-defense! Pretty sneaky, sis ...
posted by mrgrimm at 2:39 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


I had to check and make sure this wasn't my ex.
posted by chatongriffes at 2:54 PM on June 22, 2011


I just read that and wasn't going to comment on it, but because mrgrimm has opened the door, I want to admit that I felt bad about mocking the line break thing, especially after reading all the rest of the poems and continually being touched the imagery in some.

But after reading the pre-emptive self-defense, I felt a lot less bad.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:55 PM on June 22, 2011


Ah, those were the days. Horrible online dates that went nowhere fast (well, usually) followed by melancholic caffeine consumption (as a starting point) and gloomy self-absorbed stabs at poetry that I figured someday somebody would want to read.
posted by blucevalo at 2:56 PM on June 22, 2011


How are you?
Are you well?

Ctrl-alt-del,
Ctrl-alt-del.

You look sensational,
Such a refined face,

Backspace,
Backspace,
Back space.

I took the liberty,
To order some wine,
A fruity number,
From a well known vine,
You may well know it,
It's a delectable grape,

ESC,
ESC,
ESfuckinC.

It's rare that I get out,
You know,
With all my millions,
I'm still a lonely SEO,

Ctrl F5
Ctrl F5
posted by Elmore at 3:02 PM on June 22, 2011 [4 favorites]


If it helps, read "modern" line-break based poetry as follows: for a single line break, imagine a light thrum on the bongos; a paragraph break: a single bonk!; and at the very end, two or three bonks! And then with the finger-snaps.
posted by adipocere at 3:07 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


When does the didgeridoo come in?
posted by Zozo at 3:09 PM on June 22, 2011


Now
posted by Flashman at 3:12 PM on June 22, 2011


There was no "online" when I was dating
We had to do our hating
Up close and Personals
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:21 PM on June 22, 2011


This one might be about me:
Under “favorite music”
you’ve pasted
(typed?!)
so many
hundreds
of bands,
stitched tight with commas
(this,this,this,this,this)
into a column
the bottom of which
I don’t
reach
for several
screens.

I know: music is what we stuff into our lives
to stop the rattling.

But that you can’t (or won’t) name any one thing
and say this matters to me
(or even did, or
does right now)
makes me wonder if what you worked so hard to silence
might’ve run out ages ago

and if you noticed.

posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 3:51 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


A poem about my last online dating experience:

Your profile said 'meet me at Against Me!'
So specific it must be fate
A few weeks of non-committal chat
A last minute text
Surprised you showed
During Off With Their Heads we had A Brief Yet Triumphant Intermission
But you wanted a man who could Reinvent Axl Rose
Or a Cavalier Eternal
And I'm still Searching For A Former Clarity

So somewhere between Pints of Guiness and Teenage Anarchist
You left me there to mosh alone
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 3:59 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


I thought these were great. Not because they're great poems, necessarily, but just because it's an interesting subject and I think she writes about it with a lot of pathos. A lot of it definitely hit close to home.
posted by brightghost at 4:28 PM on June 22, 2011


Two weeks after the divorce
and the only friend I've made
is someone with whom I talk about
how dim and hollowed
all of you are
posted by byanyothername at 4:45 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of e-mail-of-yore,
While I nodded, nearly fapping, suddenly there came a fapping,
As of some one gently fapping, fapping at my memail door.
`'Tis some memailer,' I fappered, `fapping at my fapper door -
Fapping yeah, I'll fap no more.'
posted by Dumsnill at 5:02 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


This thread is so...eerie.
posted by 3FLryan at 5:13 PM on June 22, 2011


What is the sound of one hand fapping?
WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE ALL CAPPING?
What is the sound of online dating?
THIS IS THE SOUND OF MASS HURF DUR BAITING!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:29 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


Egad, it's

all

so

depressing. I'm

going to be

alone for

ever

aren't

I?
posted by JanetLand at 6:45 PM on June 22, 2011 [3 favorites]


I didn't like most of them and was starting to give up, but I liked this one ( this is so true, too):

P.S. I also reject you on behalf of all of my friends.

“Please don’t email me if you’re in therapy or taking antidepressants.”
Was the last line in your profile.

Setting aside for a moment
the conundrum of you having written me first—
or the hours of unutterable misery
this statement promises you can deliver—
how else can I persuade you
I’m excellent at following directions?
posted by sweetkid at 8:06 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


In your ad for "choice position"
You said "laid back disposition,
Nice cheeks, no warts,
Dig games, watch sports"

Then you wrote a paragraph of
All the things things that you do not love
Cats and kids and shows on stage
And women more than half your age

I don't think that you should date me
Seeing as you already hate me
Not tonight, I'm staying in...
-pernoctalian
posted by pernoctalian at 9:03 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm a sucker for ars poetica, but this is at least as good as what the poets were poeting in grad school:

So I take it back. I’m not sorry.
You hate where the line breaks are, my disregard
for meter; I say, ha!
Each day people dump words into sentences and call it prose.
Slobber chase scenes onto screens and call them films.
What makes poetry the medium we resist
profaning? No, it’s disposable, too.
Or else forgotten.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:21 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear person I realize
just now I will never
look into your real face
but never forget the
butt plugs you told me
you carve from potatoes
posted by pracowity at 11:04 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


You hate where the line breaks are, my disregard
for meter; I say, ha!
Each day people dump words into sentences and call it prose.
Slobber chase scenes onto screens and call them films.
What makes poetry the medium we resist
profaning? No, it’s disposable, too.
Or else forgotten.

Heh, I like that one. Reminds me of the last time I got into an "is that poetry?" argument.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:22 AM on June 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


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