No! I am not Luke Skywalker, nor was meant to be

July 29, 2011 7:56 PM

The Lovesong of Admiral Piett Let us go then, you and I, When the star destroyers are spread out across the sky Like a smuggler frozen, cased in carbonite.
posted by Violet Hour (57 comments total)

Ya know,

"Shall I say I have ordered at dawn the leveling of quiet monasteries

And watched the smoke that rises from the bodies

Of lonely monks in habits, through turbolasered windows?"

This is darned good for a Star Wars geek. This is one of two or three favorite works of art in my lifetime, and I love it, that the Wookie wannabee, tookie the time to do this.
posted by Oyéah at 8:07 PM on July 29, 2011

I have heard the wampas singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:08 PM on July 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

what, no french epigraph? Anig, i'll do the first 3 stanzas, you do the last three. this is poemfilter fun.
posted by clavdivs at 8:17 PM on July 29, 2011

I assumed Ezra Pound would have been into the space fascists.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:22 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yoda n'a jamais été revu.
Un Jedi retourné à son marais,
Sans un sabre laser...
posted by clavdivs at 8:22 PM on July 29, 2011

Now do This Is Just to Say!
posted by axiom at 8:26 PM on July 29, 2011

This made me die a little inside.
posted by guster4lovers at 8:26 PM on July 29, 2011

Marinetti was from Bestine and teamed up with Boba Fett just after the battle of the Somme to steal mustard gas for Col. Von RunRackin from the spice racks on BoBevans Prime.
The Hut was not informed.
posted by clavdivs at 8:28 PM on July 29, 2011

This works perfectly, because now we can make the prequels a Waste Land in two ways!
posted by Chipmazing at 8:32 PM on July 29, 2011

I wanted to hate it. But I am impressed. And a bit sad.
posted by Splunge at 8:35 PM on July 29, 2011

Han Solo's
defunct
who used to fly
a watersmooth-silver
starship
and break onetwothreefourfive stormtroopersjustlikethat
By the Force
he was a handsome man
and what I want to know is
how do you like your blueeyed boy
Lord Vader

(Do you know how hard it is to do e e cummings in the blue?)
posted by SPrintF at 8:38 PM on July 29, 2011 [4 favorites]

And the bird called, in response to
The unheard Ewoks hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the redwoods
Had the look of redwoods that are looked at.

posted by Oyéah at 8:38 PM on July 29, 2011

I get twitchy going back reading the original.

"Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit."
etc.

"Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool."

I picture Abe Vigoda and glass of pilsner
posted by clavdivs at 8:42 PM on July 29, 2011

This is just to say

I drank
the blue milk
that was in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for after you repaired the moisture vaporators

Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so blue
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:52 PM on July 29, 2011 [15 favorites]

There was once a man from Tattoine
Who's lightsaber a princess had never seen
He knew how to fly, he was a jedi
And the princess was his sis.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:53 PM on July 29, 2011

This is just to say

I have eaten
the dead thing
that was on
the tree branch

and which
they were probably
using
as bait for this rope trap

Forgive me
I am always thinking
with my stomach

~william carlos wookiee
posted by unregistered_animagus at 9:05 PM on July 29, 2011 [11 favorites]

I saw the best minds of the rebellion eaten by sarlacc...
posted by empath at 9:07 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Metafilter! You've turned off your filters! What's wrong?"

(I'm kidding, I liked reading this even if I don't get half of the references.)
posted by Flashman at 9:11 PM on July 29, 2011

There died Hunter Fugitive.
And the best of them, among them
For old Boba gone in the teeth
For a botched storyline.
posted by clavdivs at 9:12 PM on July 29, 2011

Let me not to the marriage of a Paduan and his Master admit impediment.
Apprenticeship's not apprenticeship when in alteration alteration finds
No! It is an ever fixed mark, who looks upon Sith and remains unshaken.
It's the kessel run to every parsec, who's speed's unknown, tho it's distance taken...
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:27 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Man, I fucked that up. I need a box of Shiraz, a Montblanc fountain pen loaded with Mountblanc blue-black, a moleskine, and a failed romance.

Also, a wookie.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:31 PM on July 29, 2011

Prequels or no prequels, that is the question:
Whether 'tis easier to shriek in rage
On LiveJournal of George's betrayal,
Or to demand decanonization,
And so erase Jar-Jar? To get a life,
Collecting no more Boba figurines,
Freecycling Threepio tape dispensers,
No more in hock to George, 'tis an ending
E'en better than that of Episode Four.
posted by thomas j wise at 9:36 PM on July 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Jedi.
Big Jedi, little Jedi.
Big Jedi and little Jedi.
Black Jedi and white Jedi.

Hello!
Hello!
Do you like my Force?
I do not.
Goodbye!
Goodbye.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:41 PM on July 29, 2011 [4 favorites]

In the room the women come and take flight
Talking of a dude in Carbonite.
posted by Splunge at 9:55 PM on July 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Many years before this
On the planet of Tatooine
In a dusty desert hovel
(Never grew the grass upon it)
There lived a brave, Skywalker
Who, when the Jawas came by
Sought to purchase robots from them
It was with his uncle Owen
Young Skywalker met the Artoo
Who held within a special secret
That was told to him by Leia
On a Rebel blockade runner
Just before the Empire boarded
And then, in an escape pod
Artoo and his friend departed
And landed in the desert
To seek old Ben Kenobi,
A wise and ancient hermit
Who hid from Tusken Raiders
And could make a sound like Banthas
and if I continue this we'll be here forever, so just pretend I told the entire story in this style so we can call it a night.
posted by Spatch at 9:59 PM on July 29, 2011

so much depends
upon

a scarred young
jedi

stitched with cyber
netics

beneath the black
helmet
posted by cortex at 10:22 PM on July 29, 2011 [4 favorites]

It is an ancient Jedi Knight
And he's stopped at Mos Eisley.
"These aren't the droids you're looking for;
You don't need his ID."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:12 PM on July 29, 2011

what, no french epigraph? Anig, i'll do the first 3 stanzas, you do the last three. this is poemfilter fun.

Italian, no? Or, in this case, maybe Mon Calimarian?
posted by mr_roboto at 11:27 PM on July 29, 2011

I assumed Ezra Pound would have been into the space fascists.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:22 PM on July 29 [+] [!]

I wonder what T.S. Eliot would have thought of them?
posted by FatherDagon at 11:48 PM on July 29, 2011

I know clones dying with a dying fall,
And Alderaan, beneath the Death Star’s doom
The soundless, vacuum-muted boom.

Yep not bad at all.
posted by sixswitch at 12:02 AM on July 30, 2011

You do not serve, you do not serve
Any more, black glove
In which I have lived like a hand
For three years now, now a Knight
Barely daring to whistle "Artoo?"

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time —
Marble-headed, a cape full of God
Ghastly statue with one white head
Big as a Mon Cal eel

And a boss in the miles-long airshaft
Sabers bright green, lightning blue
In the sparks off of Fighter Bay Ten,
I used to pray to redeem you.
Are, too.
posted by sixswitch at 12:09 AM on July 30, 2011 [6 favorites]

In the Imperial tongue, in the desert town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Pa'lowick friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I could never tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I could never talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
"Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke,"
Uncle Owen was a prick.
And he was as bad as Beru.
And the rest was obscene

A pilot & engine, a plot engine
Chuffing me off to be a Jedi.
THE JEDI WERE VILIFIED, HUNTED DOWN AND EXTERMINATED.
I began to talk like a Jedi.
I think I may well be a Jedi.
posted by sixswitch at 12:20 AM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

Come to our bracing desert,
Where nothing is eventful,
The pistol-clasp
Is set at blast,
Because Greedo seems resentful.
posted by clavdivs at 12:44 AM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

The jungles of Endor, the black ale of Mandalor
Are not very pure or true.
With my Royal ancestress and my weird luck
And my lightsaber, and my lightsaber,
I may be a bit of a Jedi.

I have always been scared of you,
With your Star Destroyers, your gobbledygoo.
And your black helmet
And your lightning, your lighting bright blue.
Palpatine-man, Palpatine-man, O You —

Not God but a stormtrooper
So white no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Sith Lord,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the Temple, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your helmet
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less (as voiced) the black man who

Split my sister and I in two.
At thirty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the floating-in-blue-light would do.

But they pulled me out of the bacta tank,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made an action figure of you,
A man in black with an Imperial look

And a lover of choking the crew.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black comlink's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two —
The Sith Lord who said he was you
And cut off my fucking hand,
That was the hand I used to — never mind.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a lightsaber in your fat black
And the crewmembers never liked you.
They are driving toaster robots over you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.
posted by sixswitch at 12:47 AM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

[mods, Jessamyn, whoever, if you could put the above three into one post I'd appreciate it!]
posted by sixswitch at 12:52 AM on July 30, 2011

Aarrgh.

"I was twenty-six when they buried you."

"Theres a lightsaber in your fat black heart"
posted by sixswitch at 12:56 AM on July 30, 2011

The Death of Red Three

From Yavin's sleep I fell into the Death Star,
And I flew through its trenches till my orange flightsuit froze.
Twelve parsecs from Kessel, loosed from its dream of the Force,
I woke to turbolasers and the TIE fighters.
When I died they cut most of my scenes, then put them back in the re-release.
posted by Rangeboy at 1:49 AM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

I wish he hadn't gone into that fourth wall digression toward the end. It kind of spoils the rest of the mood he's got going very well.

Seconding "soundless, vacuum-muted boom" as a good line.
posted by solarion at 4:23 AM on July 30, 2011

Help out a nerf herder out, what, aside from Star Wars is being referenced here?
posted by Scoo at 4:59 AM on July 30, 2011

Worthy of the Vogons.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 5:05 AM on July 30, 2011 [4 favorites]

I love this! J. Alfred is one of my favorite poems and this parody is well done, as are all the others of other poems in comments. Poetry can be fun.
posted by mermayd at 5:09 AM on July 30, 2011

solarion: "I wish he hadn't gone into that fourth wall digression toward the end. It kind of spoils the rest of the mood he's got going very well.

Seconding "soundless, vacuum-muted boom" as a good line."

Agreed, it was actually pretty lyrical until the random bitching about Lucas. These kind of pastiches only work if you follow them through to the end with a completely straight face.
posted by Happy Dave at 5:13 AM on July 30, 2011

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the womp rats outgrabe...
posted by blue_beetle at 5:53 AM on July 30, 2011

This Be Not the Verse You're Looking For

He fucks you up, your Sith-lord Dad
He chases down your rebel band
He tries to turn you, good to bad
And slices off your goddamned hand.

But he was fucked up in his turn
By condescending jedi knights
Who half the time were preaching peace
And half the time were starting fights

Sith hands on misery to Sith
It deepens like Moff Tarkin's nose.
Get rid of Palpatine while you can
And stay away from lava floes.
posted by PlusDistance at 5:57 AM on July 30, 2011 [18 favorites]

The Passionate Sith Lord to his Son

Come live with me and be my Son,
And we will all the galaxy win,
From Dagobah to Endor's moons
To Tatooine's bleak sand dunes.

There will we sit upon our ships;
And see below us all the blips,
Of pilots blown to flaming bits
Or traitors thrown in sarlac pits.

There will I make thee strong and whole
When you search you,
Your training, then, will be through.
Search your feelings: you know it to be true.

A arm made of blackest steel
To replace the one you used to feel,
Fair flying tie-fighters for your flight,
With blasters to brighten endless night.

A light saber of flashing red
A lordly title for your head -
And if these pleasures move thee, my son,
Come rule the galaxies we have won.

You shall win each game of chess
No more arms you'll lose at my behest.
And meals shall on a table be
Prepared each day by droids for thee.

The Wookie swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May-morning:
If these delights move thee, my son,
Come rule the galaxies we have won.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:16 AM on July 30, 2011 [4 favorites]

Ah, damn.

There will I make thee strong and whole
You'll feel the power in your soul.
Your training, then, will be through.
Search your feelings: you know it to be true.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:20 AM on July 30, 2011

The Son's Reply to the Sith Lord

If all the galaxies were really won
And truth on every Sith Lord's tongue,
These pretty promises would never make me
As my father acknowledge thee.

I drive the rebels from foe to foe,
When banthas rage and Ewoks grow cold;
And Han Solo becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.

The hopes do fade, and Ton Ton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields:
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is the Empire's spring, but the rebellion's fall.

The ships, thy sabers, thy arms of steel,
Thy games, thy title, and droid-brought meal
Soon explode, soon fail, soon forgotten,—
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Thy promise of lordship once you have won,
Thy hopes of galactic domination,
All these in me no promise can drive
Me to leave the rebellion still alive.

But could freedom flourish with Jedi ways
Had Siths no lust for power - no craze,
In my heart I think it might be fun
To rule the galaxy as father and son.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:48 AM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

The Concord Lymn

By the rude hoard that made the debt
Their flags on July’s wind do wave
Here now the impoverished people bet
On ideologues and tanning bed knaves.

The foe, supposed to be our friend
So nicely wrapped in common memes
On this sere shore we watch sad end
Of retirement, rest and other dreams.

On this oil-stained shore, by these lost dreams
We seek today, yet another loan,
That we may keep our houses still,
Though underground, the land is gone.

George Washington whose spirit groans
And roams dry ground where forests stood,
And neighborhoods of foreclosed loans
Please kick some ass, and make it good.
posted by Oyéah at 10:16 AM on July 30, 2011

Guys, I love you all and this is a beautiful thread, but it's wookiee. EE. Just sayin'.
posted by naoko at 10:31 AM on July 30, 2011

Should I, when Solo wrecks the shield devices,
Decide this battle has reached a crisis?

Surprisingly enjoyable.

what, no french epigraph?

I think you mean Italian...
posted by anotherbrick at 10:40 AM on July 30, 2011

Because I could not stop for Darth,
He kindly stopped for me;
The hanger held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My saber, yes my laser tool,
For his Sith-ility.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:30 AM on July 30, 2011 [5 favorites]

Worthy of the Vogons.

Which is why I'm just recycling this comment.
posted by randomkeystrike at 11:51 AM on July 30, 2011

"But since never from this abyss
has anyone ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
without fear of infamy I answer you."

I know that it is Italian but there is no french epigram for the Piett piece. I want french, so you have french, the translator wants french.

the whole fraudulent circle of hell thing Dante is putting out there
posted by clavdivs at 12:26 PM on July 30, 2011

This is just to say

I have invited
Lord Vader
and the bounty hunter
to teatime

and yes
they will probably
torture you
and not even ask any questions

Forgive me
I had no choice
They arrived just before you did

~william calrissian williams
william carlos billy dee williams?
posted by unregistered_animagus at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2011 [5 favorites]

cortex! Put this to music and post, STAT!
posted by deborah at 2:39 PM on July 30, 2011

This is just to say

I have lightsabered
the padawans
that were in
the temple

and which
you were probably
training
as Jedis

Forgive me
I am a Sith
so heartless
and so evil
posted by axiom at 4:28 PM on July 30, 2011 [3 favorites]

"You are old, Uncle Owen," the young man said,
"And your flesh has become very charred;
I suppose it may mean you are probably dead—
But, hey, now leaving home won't be hard."
posted by Sys Rq at 4:48 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]