to flies on one blow
September 13, 2011 12:30 PM   Subscribe

Datamachine slow? To get back the original speed on Your hard drive it's necessary to Defragment it. There are several of different species of software to make this happen, but the most excellent way to do it is a hardware defragmentation. You'll only need some basic data-mechanical-skills to be able to defraggle your motherdisc!
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas (53 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
I...just...

what?
posted by dismas at 12:33 PM on September 13, 2011


What a bunch of crap. I didn't see ANY Fraggles in that tutorial. That guy doesn't know what he's talking about.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:34 PM on September 13, 2011 [7 favorites]


IMPORTANT NOTE: Enjoy this as satire but NEVER, EVER, EVER follow these instructions unless you want to transform a hard drive into a piece of expensive junk.

I know, I know, but I think it's important to note this in case this page is ever #1 for "How to defragment hard drive" on Google.

THIS WILL KILL YOUR HARD DRIVE.

Now, watch someone try this anyways.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:35 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


How I defraggle internets?
posted by seanyboy at 12:37 PM on September 13, 2011


To elaborate: the human equivalent would be performing a colon cleanse by cutting yourself open, removing your intestines, turning them inside out, and washing them in the dishwasher. With Drano.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:37 PM on September 13, 2011 [9 favorites]


Remember around 2003 when "defragging" penetrated the consciousness of enough of the non-computer-hobbyist zeitgeist that, anytime you had a relative or neighbor over the age of 40 with a computer that was starting to get clunky, they'd ask you if you would "defrag" their computer for them?

Defragging became the new "delete some files to free up space in memory". Not like it's not a good idea, it's just exceedingly unlikely to be the actual problem on a contemporary machine.
posted by penduluum at 12:38 PM on September 13, 2011 [5 favorites]


I didn't see ANY Fraggles in that tutorial.

They're very small. It says that right in the article, actually. Small moveable magnetic figures.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:38 PM on September 13, 2011


it's just exceedingly unlikely to be the actual problem on a contemporary machine.

Wait, I know this one! Is it Ghostbusters 2?
posted by Deathalicious at 12:39 PM on September 13, 2011


"Electric Nerd Device"
posted by griphus at 12:39 PM on September 13, 2011


pff... as if this is going to work without passing a sine wave through the speaker.
posted by vanar sena at 12:40 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


Your computer is broken. Probably a virus, or one of those "worms". Did you leave it outside overnight? Try unplugging all peripherals. Also, zap the PRAM (wait for 3 chimes; you will see the screen flash twice. Once you see the message "PRAM ZAP SUCCESSFUL BRO" you should be good).
posted by Brocktoon at 12:42 PM on September 13, 2011


I'm sending this to my Dad RIGHT NOW, preferably in the form of an emailed 250 mb WAV file attachment with "FW:FW:FW: slow computer miracle fix" in the subject line.

Someone needs to take that man's data machine away.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 12:43 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


i will break out my datachisels to make a best repair
posted by FatherDagon at 12:43 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


I really want to share this with people, without giving away the joke before they click on it. Yet, I am totally afraid people will actually do this. What do? (For now, I just emailed it to my dad. I am in the minority of people who actually have a dear old dad who is a computer expert. He's really good at defraggling.)
posted by Tesseractive at 12:44 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Defragging became the new "delete some files to free up space in memory". Not like it's not a good idea, it's just exceedingly unlikely to be the actual problem on a contemporary machine.

Worse yet, I know people to this day who say "CPU" when they are referring to the tower and say "memory" when they really mean harddrive space.
posted by mysterpigg at 12:45 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


LOCAL DAD DISCOVERS 5-MINUTE COMPUTER FIX OBAMA DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW CLICK HERE
posted by griphus at 12:45 PM on September 13, 2011 [36 favorites]


This, on the other hand, is not satire, even if just as dumb. From the article:

"A dust particle getting between the disc and the head inside your hard drive can be compared to a 747 flying 5 meters above the ground and ‘bumping’ into a tree"

Their idea of a dust-free environment is a bathroom after a shower and a new freezer bag.

Looks cool, tho...
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:46 PM on September 13, 2011


This is why I'm so glad my elderly parents don't own a computer. My in-laws, on the other hand, must never see this. Never.
posted by tommasz at 12:48 PM on September 13, 2011


Data doesn't taste so very good...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:49 PM on September 13, 2011


That means your data is stale and needs to be refreshed. A quick zap of electricity against the side of the drive should perk it up.
posted by Babblesort at 12:52 PM on September 13, 2011


I just did that whole meshuga thing to my computer. It works great!!

My computer is so fast now this comment literally wrote itself!!!
posted by Skygazer at 12:53 PM on September 13, 2011


mysterpigg: "Worse yet, I know people to this day who say "CPU" when they are referring to the tower and say "memory" when they really mean harddrive space."

Problem is, "tower" is a terrible name too, and both "computer" and "case" are inaccurate. I've never heard a good name. Closest are box and chassis.

Memory OTOH... its us computer geeks who are wrong. What sort of "memory" gets erased when the computer turns off? Is "disk" still accurate when the system has a solid state disk (sic)?

Shit, all the names suck.
posted by vanar sena at 12:55 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


So I just discovered that the page I linked to is a rip from here:

http://www.datadocktorn.nu/us_frag1.php

which has some other fairly amusing stuff on it. I've contacted the mods to direct the link to the original author.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 12:57 PM on September 13, 2011


A møøse once defraggled my sister...
posted by McCoy Pauley at 12:58 PM on September 13, 2011 [8 favorites]


Worse yet, I know people to this day who say "CPU" when they are referring to the tower and say "memory" when they really mean harddrive space.

My mom still calls here tower the harddrive, no matter how many times I say, no, that's the whole computer.
posted by Bort at 12:58 PM on September 13, 2011


If you do do* this, and for some odd reason the drive becomes unusable, be sure and fish out the excellent magnets down on the "tonearm" axis and use them to attach things to your frig. They all fulla super-glueful magnetism I tell ya.

Yes! I said "do do"
posted by hal9k at 12:58 PM on September 13, 2011


I didn't have any anti-static spray to add a protective coat, so I just rubbed all the discs thoroughly with a Bounce dryer sheet. Also I lost several of the screws when taking the motherdisc apart, so I stuck zip-ties through the holes to secure the cover back on. Also I don't have a computing data machine, so I'm actually talking about taking apart several smoke detectors in my house. Do you think this process will still speed them up?

Also could you please give me back my facebook
posted by penduluum at 12:59 PM on September 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


Mod note: updated the link per OPs request, carry on
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:02 PM on September 13, 2011


Is this is that one weird trick your IT department doesn't want you to know about?
posted by hal9k at 1:02 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


#14--When all is in place again, just screw it.

In America, this reads: "Don't fucking bother putting it back together."

Although it certainly speaks to the author's two-fingered grasp of datamachines computers, it's somewhat remarkable that this website has NO external links. When was the last time you saw that?
posted by obscurator at 1:05 PM on September 13, 2011


Ha. Now it all makes sense. This is a viral ad for Swedish steel wool.
posted by randomination at 1:05 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Hilarious.
posted by jbickers at 1:10 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


To make it shiny and bright again, simply use a toothbrush with some oil (10-40w) , then you'll lubricate it at the same time .

I got hung up here.

If you're cleaning dirt and corrosion off, you want the extra abrasion provided by an un-oiled toothbrush. Then you'd want to use compressed air to remove the dust, and polish the needles carefully, only oiling them once they're totally clean.
posted by Stagger Lee at 1:13 PM on September 13, 2011


I kept expecting a muppet gag...
posted by Theta States at 1:14 PM on September 13, 2011


MetaFilter: Just screw it.
posted by loquacious at 1:23 PM on September 13, 2011


Hey pendulum:

HOW ARE YOU TYPING IF YOU DONT HAVE A COMPUTING DATA MACHINE?!

oooooooh.
posted by Saxon Kane at 1:23 PM on September 13, 2011


oh god how did i get here

i am not good with several smoke detectors
posted by penduluum at 1:30 PM on September 13, 2011 [7 favorites]


Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that aren’t even close to your computer. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television & VCR and use sub-space field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-Aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will put a dead cockroach in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.

It will pour sugar into your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner & hotel room to your Discover card. It will slander your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead or not, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear!

/nostalgia
posted by Sebmojo at 1:52 PM on September 13, 2011 [5 favorites]


When the discs have finally come lööse, keep them in order and don't mixem up
If you have Windows on your Data machine, You'll find the OS on the top disc, you'll recognize it easily, it's much heavier then the rest of the discs. If you use Linux, then you'll of course don't need to do this operation at all...

posted by infini at 1:59 PM on September 13, 2011


never needs windingdefraggling never needs windingdefraggling never needs windingdefraggling step right up
posted by davejay at 2:13 PM on September 13, 2011


Pffft, everybody knows that the best way to speed up Windoes is "del c:\windows\system32\* /y"
posted by Threeway Handshake at 2:28 PM on September 13, 2011


Ugh, this is the same type of humour as people telling newbies to run rm -rf / on irc.
posted by Joe Chip at 2:45 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sounds legit. Also don't forget to unplug your ethernet cable and spin it around over your head to free the stuck 1s.
posted by Skorgu at 3:50 PM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Help! I have things outside and I'm ready with the tang, but I don't want to lose my graphics.
posted by hypersloth at 3:55 PM on September 13, 2011


The free porn hotkey if Alt-F4.
posted by GuyZero at 3:56 PM on September 13, 2011


Worse yet, I know people to this day who say "CPU" when they are referring to the tower and say "memory" when they really mean harddrive space.

mysterpigg: Just had to give a shoutout, since we share a last name....not a whole bunch of us out there.
posted by rhythim at 4:40 PM on September 13, 2011


say "memory" when they really mean harddrive space

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time... (I did tech support in an ad agency for a couple of years - the artists generally were savvy, probably because they were used to maintaining their own home machines, but the account execs, forget it.)

I wish I had a foolproof analogy to illustrate the (very clear to us) difference, but more often than not, I just get the uncomprehending stare.

Of course, it doesn't help that sometimes (as when explaining one reason performance slows way down when the hard drive is almost full) I've had to mention that with modern OSes, harddrive space sometimes gets used as temporary fake RAM.
posted by Philofacts at 5:10 PM on September 13, 2011


wow it's a bunch of metallic resources and time and energy being turned into junk for a laugh

haha
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:04 PM on September 13, 2011


Does Judy Patch know about this? (Previously)
posted by dhens at 8:07 PM on September 13, 2011


There was much laughing from me.
posted by bongo_x at 10:15 PM on September 13, 2011


That's the last time I go to Dethklok Data Recoverings Systemeses
posted by not_on_display at 10:37 PM on September 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


Thanks sebmojo for making the reminding me of song by Laika
posted by yoHighness at 1:34 PM on September 14, 2011


It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
posted by yoHighness at 1:35 PM on September 14, 2011


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