The name Kevin is now illegal. Why not use Alan instead? It suits you.

November 23, 2011 7:49 AM

"London Bridge is currently closed to the public and a section 60 in place due to the presence of a depressed swan." - The Metropolitan Police Twitter Feed: Giving you the lowdown on all the criminal shit that's going down in London town.

(Note, not real)

posted by The Whelk (27 comments total)

(Note, not real)

Damn it, Whelk, I want to believe!
posted by tommasz at 7:52 AM on November 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

A drunk Brian Blessed is waving his fist and shouting "BALLS TO YOUR KIND" at disinterested ducks. Officers dispatched with large net.

Are you absolutely sure this isn't real?
posted by fight or flight at 7:55 AM on November 23, 2011 [7 favorites]

I thought London Bridge was in Arizona.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 8:01 AM on November 23, 2011 [5 favorites]

I look forward to all of the responses in this thread that don't read the [more inside].
posted by Think_Long at 8:11 AM on November 23, 2011

Southerners drinking shandy, then going for a 'knees-up' followed by 'eels and liquor' or whatever it is that passes for culture in the Great Wen.
posted by Abiezer at 8:12 AM on November 23, 2011

I love it. I hope it doesn't end soon and predictably.
posted by hat_eater at 8:18 AM on November 23, 2011

I thought London Bridge was in Arizona.

And that isn't a depressed swan, it's John McCain.
posted by three blind mice at 8:19 AM on November 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

Swans can be tricky.
posted by maudlin at 8:24 AM on November 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

I find this funny.
posted by ob at 8:31 AM on November 23, 2011

This is bloody hilarious. How long until the actual Met shuts them down, d'you think?

As on previous weekends, our main focus this evening is to try to retrieve several thousand stolen Ikea pencils.

Great Lord Cthulhu, destroyer of mankind, has arisen from his watery repose and is currently causing a minor traffic incident in Enfield.
posted by metaBugs at 8:38 AM on November 23, 2011

Not enough conspiring with Rupert Murdoch
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:42 AM on November 23, 2011

Guy/gal is consistently funny. Will throroughly enjoy until 21.03 GMT when account is disabled.

(liking the BALLSTOYOURKIND tag, Whelk.)
posted by likeso at 8:43 AM on November 23, 2011

Worth pointing out that this joke account was set up in direct response to this and subsequent Tweets from the official Twitter account of CO11, the public order branch of the Metropolitan Police. The tone didn't go down too well.
posted by ninebelow at 8:45 AM on November 23, 2011 [5 favorites]

Great Lord Cthulhu, destroyer of mankind, has arisen from his watery repose and is currently causing a minor traffic incident in Enfield.

OK, I LOLd.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:51 AM on November 23, 2011

Meanwhile, Toronto just has raccoons. (via bicyclefish)
posted by maudlin at 8:58 AM on November 23, 2011

I suppose that means Londoners need more fart horns for Armistice Day 2012, eh ninebelow?
posted by jeffburdges at 9:00 AM on November 23, 2011

To help test our defenses against alien invasion Met officers are walking around with truncheons under their arms pretending to be Daleks.

OK, this is funny.
posted by govtdrone at 9:31 AM on November 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Finally something that is worth following.
Wimbledon: Man in yellow T-shirt standing on wooden stilts pretending to be the sun. Officers with protective eye-wear investigating.
posted by adamvasco at 9:35 AM on November 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Someone has to:

Metafilter: shouting "BALLS TO YOUR KIND" at disinterested ducks.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:44 AM on November 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

"MISSING PERSON ALERT: Please could Sarah Connor urgently get in contact with Mr T.Onethousand."

Comedy gold
posted by Blasdelb at 9:52 AM on November 23, 2011

From the twitter feed of Mr. P.I. Staker
posted by Senor Cardgage at 9:58 AM on November 23, 2011

Aw, you mean there really isn't a "Wimbledon: Man in yellow T-shirt standing on wooden stilts pretending to be the sun. Officers with protective eye-wear investigating"? There should be.
posted by Cranberry at 10:45 AM on November 23, 2011

"Individuals seeking to disrupt the 2 minute silence will be dealt with robustly #Armistice Day #remember"

"Any police action will be considered & proportionate, respecting those who hold the 2 min silence as a sign of respect #Armistice #remember"

"If the memory of dead soldiers is insulted where people have gathered to honour those soldiers there is clearly a threat to public order."

"Deliberately using abusive or insulting words or behaviour is an offence under Section 4 of the Public Order Act #Armistice Day #remember"

Wow. Small wonder Orwell was British.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 10:48 AM on November 23, 2011 [3 favorites]

Earlier reports of a suspicious death in Wood Green have now been downgraded to "someone having a nap". Classic stuff!
posted by Duug at 12:58 PM on November 23, 2011

As on previous weekends, our main focus this evening is to try to retrieve several thousand stolen Ikea pencils.

In response to the ongoing CCTV outage in the Holborn area we have now deployed a small team of barn owls with notepads.

Related cases, perhaps?
posted by dorey_oh at 2:16 PM on November 23, 2011

If the feed is taken down, there should really be reenactments so that the once-fake incidents show up on the real feed. #occupylondonbridge
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:31 PM on November 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

dixiecupdrinking: Wow. Small wonder Orwell was British.

I suspect that is aimed at Muslims Against Crusades, who strike me as a UK Islamic version of Westboro Baptist Church (hatefull trolls, basically). [That said, I prefer the US response to W'boro to the UK response to MAC]

New pilot scheme starts today. All hate crimes will now be immediately dealt with by a firm shake of the hand.

Heh. Oh hai, Sepp Blatter.
posted by Infinite Jest at 12:22 AM on November 24, 2011