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December 19, 2011 8:37 AM   Subscribe

The first video reminds me of the six months I spent in the private sector as a contractor.

I hate you, swift. I hate you so much.
posted by the dief at 8:42 AM on December 19, 2011

posted by defenestration at 8:42 AM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]

I go out of my way to remove idiots like this from my life, and you bring him HERE!
posted by tomswift at 8:44 AM on December 19, 2011

A pretty good Michael Scott impression.
posted by grog at 8:54 AM on December 19, 2011

Is anyone else hearing is I'M TERRIFIED OF DEATH THE EXISTENCE OF THE STARS MAKES MY ACTIONS IRRELEVANT NO ONE WILL MOURN ME repeated screaming in the backgound noise there?
posted by The Whelk at 8:55 AM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]

from linked video: “... if you are in a sales business - which we are ALL in a sales business -...”

No. No, sir, we are not. Sales is the mark of Cain. Sales is the number of the Beast. Sales is the vast, looming evil of our time. It hunkers over civilization, licking its greasy teeth in anticipation as it prepares to devour all that is good, all that is holy, all that is just. For the pleasure of the sheer bloodless unimaginable irony of it, I'm sure, that misbegotten creature of perversity has pulled the strings on your puppet-mouth and induced you to say that your aspiration is to "fight for what is right," but have no illusions about what side you're on.
posted by koeselitz at 8:56 AM on December 19, 2011 [9 favorites]

Cocaine is for CLOSERS!
posted by orme at 9:09 AM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]

Fucking-A I can't get out of this country fast enough.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:10 AM on December 19, 2011

Is there a name for people like this, Tony Robbins etc? They all have common characteristics. A back story of being homeless or down and out. Changing their thinking made them successful. Selling books, videos etc... I see them as middle class book camp instructors.
posted by stbalbach at 9:13 AM on December 19, 2011

i hate fucking sales. bunch of know-nothing take-no-responsibility-but-all-the-credit knuckleheads, the big, good-looking-but-dumb-as-rocks apes in high school who were the sports stars and prom kings who liked to administer swirlies and close you in your locker and your only comfort was they were so fucking stupid you just knew they would never amount to anything but guess what - they all became salesmen and now they make all the money while the smart people do the actual work.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:16 AM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

I see them as middle class book camp instructors.

I see it more as the adult version of the don't step on the black tiles they are lava game

Also, they always strike me as people who have all the necessary skills to be con men, but they actually believe what they're saying (or desperate psyche themselves up into believing it) so they are, in fact, ideal targets for con men.
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 AM on December 19, 2011

posted by Decani at 9:34 AM on December 19, 2011

he doesn't even look that amped up, more strung out than anything.
posted by 12bits at 9:35 AM on December 19, 2011

Sales: “You want answers?”

Finance: “I think we are entitled to them!”

Sales: “You want answers?!”

Finance: “I want the truth!”

Sales: “You can’t handle the truth!!!”

Sales (continuing): “Son, we live in a world that requires revenue. And that revenue must be brought in by people with elite skills. Who’s going to find it? You? You, Mr. Operations? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You scoff at sales division and you curse our lucrative incentives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that while the cost of business results are excessive, it drives in revenue.

And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE! You don’t want to know the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at staff meetings … you want me on that call. You NEED me on that call!

We use words like comps, migration, discounts, flex licensing, global purchase agreements, butt-fusion. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent negotiating something. You use them as a punch line!

I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of revenue I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a phone and make some sales calls. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”

Finance: “Did you expense the lap dances?”

Sales: “I did the job I was hired to do.”

Finance: “Did you expense the lap dances?”

Sales: “You’re goddamn right I did!”
posted by Samuel Farrow at 9:39 AM on December 19, 2011 [14 favorites]

When Bill Clinton was elected president Tony Robbins was one of the main speakers at his cabinet orientation meeting. There is a TED talk floating around of Robbins with Gore in the front row and it is obvious Tony and Al are on first name basis.

When I read Awaken the Giant Within my immediate response was if that giant is sleeping inside me I want that sucker in a permanent vegetative state.
posted by bukvich at 9:44 AM on December 19, 2011

Prediction: In six months, this man will go on a horrible crime spree. The news media will point back at these videos. We will all feel awful for laughing at his thinly disguised metal illness.

I wish I was joking.
posted by chairface at 9:49 AM on December 19, 2011

The jokes in this thread are funny but the reality is it's like... these people are out there, and they're successful and bringing in money. It's kind of unfathomable but what you have to realize is that the people they're marking to are other sales guys.

Obviously there are sales guys out there who are bullshitting and know they're bullshitting, but there have to be people out there who buy into the bullshit. They hear other people bullshitting all the time and buy into it. So for those types of people these guys are like heroic, or something. Kind of depressing.
posted by delmoi at 9:57 AM on December 19, 2011

I watched these with the sound off and he looks like he's faking it, like he's actually lacking confidence and really insecure.
posted by Hoopo at 10:01 AM on December 19, 2011

posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:04 AM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hoopo one of their mantras is "fake it until you make it".
posted by bukvich at 10:18 AM on December 19, 2011

thinly disguised metal illness

linguistic freudian slip? or purposeful? either way it's pretty funny. especially given the metal genre.
posted by TMezz at 10:24 AM on December 19, 2011

Hoopo one of their mantras is "fake it until you make it".

Oh, I see. So it's working! Unless...has he "made it" yet?
posted by Hoopo at 10:42 AM on December 19, 2011

Aren't they shouting "Oi!" at the beginning of TNT?
posted by dirigibleman at 10:44 AM on December 19, 2011

There's nothing wrong with being a salesman.

Being pink, however...
posted by chronkite at 10:48 AM on December 19, 2011

This is a guy I'd hate to work with, what with him being a horrendous douche and all, but I have to say that his thing about how we're all in a sales business is the one thing he's right about. Of course, we may not all be officially in sales, but anything you want in life requires salesmanship. I used to sneer at my dad over being a salesman, a title he took as a badge of honor and I took as a sign of the obnoxious capitalistic entrenchment of dumb ideas.

I sat around, contenting myself with the celebration of an anticorporate reality where my stories, my music, my ideas, and my projects would all just happen because they're good ideas, man! Why should I shuck and jive like some loathsome salesman when I'm making true art? Tasteful people will find me. Good ideas are their own advocates.

This is, of course, why I'm fifteen years behind where I could have been with the work I do. That snobbery over salesmanship is what made me feel all ooky over the slightest whiff of self-promotion, and all along the way, the people who did the work, stuck their faces out there, and pushed for stuff were heard, even when their product just sucked. Being a salesperson means you think what you do is worth something. Just because most people who take sales seriously sell the world more crates of stinking beige doesn't mean selling itself is a bad thing.

I wasted a lifetime being cooler than a salesman, but fortunately, I was paying attention to how he did what he did for when I finally quit being so insufferably wrong about the world.
posted by sonascope at 10:57 AM on December 19, 2011 [7 favorites]

Also, sales don't require anything like what this jerk does. For a couple months between the Coast Guard and tattooing I sold accidental death and dismemberment insurance over the phone for a credit card company.

I gave 0% of a shit about the job and smoked weed before, during, and after every shift but I was the top seller every single day I worked.

I'm convinced that this was because I literally didn't care whether they bought it or not, but I DID care that they were having a good evening, safe and warm etc. I'd pretend everyone I called was someone in my own family, and that I'd just gotten back in contact after a long time.

I cared less about what I was selling than they did, and it worked like a charm.
posted by chronkite at 11:28 AM on December 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

Am I the only one who thinks Chad Goldwasser exists in some strange, post-ironic DMZ between life and performance art, where identity becomes a simulacrum of the worshiped self and authenticity is annihilated, not unlike modern existence in a corporate-managed world, thus demonstrating in some meta-Kaufmanesque way the original point that yes, we are all in sales?
posted by swift at 11:43 AM on December 19, 2011

He's trying so hard to be the Gary Vaynerchuk of real estate.
posted by scottatdrake at 11:56 AM on December 19, 2011

This guy would be annoying if he was like that off-camera. However, I don't get all the hatred. It's hilarious.

Seems like the standard [bv]logger modus operandi -- he's just attempting to figure it all out like the rest of us, but in public. I don't expect him to become an soulless corporate axe murderer. I expect him to slowly fade away, having left us with hilarious videos of his explorations and business ventures....

...perhaps I'm wrong to take it at face value. But being a cynic is tiring.
posted by smidgen at 12:53 PM on December 19, 2011

For a couple months between the Coast Guard and tattooing I sold accidental death and dismemberment
posted by delmoi at 2:47 PM on December 19, 2011

i think it was Gandhi who said "be the real estate agent that you want to see in the world." Or something like that.
posted by h0p3y at 4:32 AM on December 20, 2011

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