Don't become too attached to it, because an insane AI will force you to throw it in a fire when it dries out 12 days from now.
December 25, 2011 7:26 PM   Subscribe

Aperture Science would like to remind you that unlicensed possession of sub-arctic Holiday Enrichment Topiary in the test chamber will result in an unsatisfactory mark on the subject's developmental record, followed closely by death.
posted by Avenger at 7:44 PM on December 25, 2011 [11 favorites]

We are required to warn you that the Aperture Science Holiday Cheer Containment Cubes may contain deadly neurotoxin instead of Holiday Cheer. Also, the containment cubes are not air tight. We would like to remind you that both Holiday Cheer and deadly neurotoxin are colorless, tasteless and odorless. If you're still alive, congratulations, you've experienced Holiday Cheer.


You'll find out soon enough.
posted by empath at 7:53 PM on December 25, 2011 [15 favorites]

You should give your parents a call for Christmas. Lets try it now.

[Ring ring ring]

We're sorry: the birth parents you are trying to reach do not know you. Please hang up.

[dial tone]

That's sad -- but impressive.

They must work at the phone company.
posted by Avenger at 8:08 PM on December 25, 2011 [8 favorites]

The Enrichment Center would like to wish you a happy near-solstice holiday event of the denomination of your choosing. Upon the completion of testing, *egg nog* will be made available for your enjoyment.

Of course, we both know you should probably lay off holiday treats for the time being, if you know what I mean.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:11 PM on December 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

My first thought is that would make an awesome convention party room decoration.
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:02 PM on December 25, 2011

Gipan says:
Some of the most creative stuff Ive seen in a while
Posted on Dec 25, 2011 | 2:04 PM EST
Would it be redundant if I sighed and asked what rock he's living under? Cute idea and all, just didn't knock my socks off or anything.
posted by P.o.B. at 9:35 PM on December 25, 2011

The portal gun is a fantastic innovation, but it's also nice to see that Aperture hasn't forgotten its roots.
posted by homunculus at 9:42 PM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yes, they were fine purveyors of industrial petroleum and plastics. And now, get your own!
posted by P.o.B. at 9:56 PM on December 25, 2011

You know, decorating the Holiday Enrichment Topiary taught me a valuable lesson...
posted by emmtee at 2:19 AM on December 26, 2011

This seems like a good place to share a story of a magical christmas tree. This was originally posted to I am writing this from memory so bear with me if I forget something.

You need
2 glass jars,
a handful or so of christmas-themed beads/charms/or similar,
a glow stick or two,
a full sized Christmas tree
the top portion of a tree which will look like a miniature tree.

Carefully break apart the glow stick(s) so you can separate the chemicals. Poor one chemical solution in a jar filled with the beads. Label the jar with something like "Magic Christmas Tree Seeds"

Pour the other chemical in a separate jar. Label it something along the lines of "North Pole Christmas Snow Water"

Show the kids the two bottles. Make a production out of it and a story about them. Pour the beads into a bowl then pour the other jar with the chemical from the glow-sticks into the bowl as well. Everything will of course start to glow. This will get the kids really amazed and interested. You then cover the bowl with a dish cloth or something explaining that even a magic tree takes time to grow. Send the kids off to play.

After the kids have been playing for a while place the clipped off top portion of a christmas tree under the dish cloth. Let the kids notice that something has happened or point it out to them. Uncover the towel to reveal what looks like a mini tree! Get all excited about how it is working and that no doubt by the time they wake up the tree will be fully grown.

While they are sleeping put the full size tree in place, discarding the seeds (or retaining them for next year). Place the dish cloth on top of the tree and go off to sleep yourself, allowing the children to discover the magic tree grown overnight.
posted by 2manyusernames at 8:11 AM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

Co-Op Life: Portal
posted by homunculus at 3:11 PM on January 13, 2012

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