If you liked it, then you should have spent 7p on it

February 2, 2012 8:10 AM

Times might be hard, but romance can still thrive.

If your loved one prefers Tesco, there;s still a recession-busting card for you. And there's plenty of half-arsed gift ideas out there, too.

posted by mippy (52 comments total)

And if both Asda and Tesco fail you, you can always turn to Aldi.
posted by koeselitz at 8:14 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

If only my American grocery stores had similar items. It would take far too much effort to import one of those things.
posted by clockbound at 8:17 AM on February 2, 2012

This is America, we put effort into these things, which I why I bothered to wrap my gas station underpants heart.
posted by The Whelk at 8:19 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

The 7p card is so tacky that it almost becomes adorable. But only almost.

Maybe if your Valentine is someone who is really tight with his or her money, you'd get bonus points for saying "I love you" in the most economical way possible?
posted by asnider at 8:19 AM on February 2, 2012

Jesus christ. They do NOT sell bondage gear at UK Aldis, unless there's a really creative use for the horseriding gear and Slankets that I'm not pervy enough to work out.
posted by mippy at 8:19 AM on February 2, 2012

I'm just grateful that my girlfriend is from Finland, where Valentine's day is called "Friend's Day" and everybody gets on with their lives.
posted by omnikron at 8:25 AM on February 2, 2012 [6 favorites]

Wouldn't a great gift for a frugal or struggling person would be like paying thier rent that month or something?
posted by The Whelk at 8:26 AM on February 2, 2012

Oh man, I wish we had Friend's Day here. I'm female, so traditionally I suppose I'm supposed to expect to be wined and dined (and then 'reward' my parner with Steak and a Blowjob Day, a 'holiday' invented by bros who are clearly so sexually repellent that even their girlfriends need a dedicated calendar day in order to prepare themselves to suck them off) but I think it's much nicer to make somethign for your partner, be it a meal, a tchotschke or the bed. I'm more in favour of something that means we can all send nice postcards to people.
posted by mippy at 8:29 AM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

There are only two cards any person ever needs for any occasion: this one and this one. There are no emotions that can't be conveyed by the 2005 Portland Trailblazers via e-card.
posted by Copronymus at 8:31 AM on February 2, 2012 [13 favorites]

unless there's a really creative use for the horseriding gear and Slankets that I'm not pervy enough to work out.

It only took me 4 seconds to think of a use for both at the same time.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 8:36 AM on February 2, 2012 [9 favorites]

Better budget Valentines!

♥ 30% discount for repeat customers of my heart and join the frequent lovers' club to accumulate points toward a free stay! ♥

♥ My heart may be used, but it's in near-mint condition for you ♥

♥ Use me up, wear me out, make me do, or do without me ♥
posted by RogerB at 8:41 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Jesus christ. They do NOT sell bondage gear at UK Aldis, unless there's a really creative use for the horseriding gear and Slankets that I'm not pervy enough to work out.

You are kidding, right? Because I'll give you a hint: if the store contains "horseriding gear" it's not equestrians who are buying it. Ever. (I'll sidle back to my rack of discount riding crops, shall I?)
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:45 AM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

I hypothesize that poverty enhances creative instincts; this might be the best Valentine's yet for the Poors.
posted by Renoroc at 8:46 AM on February 2, 2012

You are kidding, right? Because I'll give you a hint: if the store contains "horseriding gear" it's not equestrians who are buying it.

Dammit, I could have got in on the Reading Muslim-West African bondage scene!

Though I do wonder now what the Aldi 'butt plug' was actually intended to be...
posted by mippy at 8:50 AM on February 2, 2012

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the worst Valentines Day card ever.
posted by punkfloyd at 8:54 AM on February 2, 2012 [13 favorites]

I made you a Valentine's out of skunk meat and HTML5. The audio is messed up and it's not for the squeamish (obviously), but it's the thought that counts, right?
posted by cjorgensen at 9:00 AM on February 2, 2012

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the worst Valentines Day card ever.

D:
posted by griphus at 9:04 AM on February 2, 2012

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the worst Valentines Day card ever.

Holy shit.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 9:09 AM on February 2, 2012 [10 favorites]

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the worst Valentines Day card ever.

Bwaaaaaa? My god, that's just...even if you're a total racist I can't really figure out how that is remotely romantic. That's horrible.
posted by asnider at 9:11 AM on February 2, 2012

And there's plenty of half-arsed gift ideas out there, too.

I'm disappointed that this is from 2010, I think Ms Jest would appreciate something like this. Anyone got anything current?
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:16 AM on February 2, 2012

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the worst Valentines Day card ever.

It's my day off, so I'll just be crawling back under the covers and shaking for a while if anyone needs me.
posted by Kinbote at 9:16 AM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

You'd be better off making your own card than buying a no-frills card like this one. Even if you have no artistic ability and just use plain white paper from the office printer and the pens at your desk and the highlight of the your design is that you used little hearts to spell out your beloved's name, it'll come across as sweet, especially if you write a nice message inside.

This one just says, "I'm cheap and I couldn't be bothered."
posted by orange swan at 9:19 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the worst Valentines Day card ever.

Jeebus. Those fall colours for Valentine's Day?
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:19 AM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Jesus christ. They do NOT sell bondage gear at UK Aldis, unless there's a really creative use for the horseriding gear and Slankets that I'm not pervy enough to work out.

How many people with horses do you think buy anything, let alone riding gear, at Aldi?
posted by atrazine at 9:22 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 9:33 AM on February 2, 2012

The 7p card is so tacky that it almost becomes adorable. But only almost.

Cuter/possible tackier/and almost as easy is to fold a sheet of printer paper in half, cut it the size you want, and write your own card. I make all my birthday/valentine's/holiday cards. If you're funny, it's pretty easy, and if you're not, the effort is appreciated anyway. It takes like 30 minutes, obviously more if you are the fancy Photoshop type (I prefer a more primitive, crayon-based aesthetic.)

Or what orange swan said.

This trend is just a novelty fad. People will go back to bullshit cards for $1 or 99p that look nice even though all of us have supercomputers at our fingertips and photo printers stashed somewhere in the garage.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:38 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Horrible Cards for Valentine's Day
posted by homunculus at 9:42 AM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

Jesus christ. They do NOT sell bondage gear at UK Aldis, unless there's a really creative use for the horseriding gear and Slankets that I'm not pervy enough to work out.

You take the horseriding gear, and wrap it up in a slanket, and then just have sex ALL OVER IT. All the rage at the fetish clubs!
posted by FatherDagon at 9:45 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

YOU LIKE SEXY SEX AS MUCH AS SOMEONE WHO GETS PAID TO RIDE A HORSE
posted by cashman at 9:53 AM on February 2, 2012

Some candidates for worst valentine's day card ever:

Bee Mine
I'm Falling for You
A Valentine's Message from NAMBLA
I love you but you must die
I Chew-Chew-Chews You
No sex please, I'm Morrissey

... however, the winner is a dreadfully easy call:

Extremely Racist, Vintage Valentine’s Day Postcard (warning: title does not lie)

So no, Telegraph, that is definitely not the worst Valentine's Day card ever.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:01 AM on February 2, 2012

People will go back to bullshit cards for $1 or 99p that look nice even though all of us have supercomputers at our fingertips and photo printers stashed somewhere in the garage.

Isn't cardmaking the new trendy hobby, though? When I go to my local hobby superstore the stock is about 70% paper, embellishments and special machines to cut your paper with. I might just lump cardmaking and scrapbooking together in my head, but making that stuff surely must be expensive. (Though as a different kind of crafter I know that isn't the point.)

Maybe people are shopping at Aldi to afford to keep their horse? After all, if recessioncom 2 Broke Girls features a live-in horse...
posted by mippy at 10:03 AM on February 2, 2012

Cheapest Valentine's Day idea: go to your favorite Ben & Jerry's between 5 and 8 pm on 2/14 and get a free Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream.

You really don't have to spend a lot of money, despite what the rags want you to believe. Make a card, make dinner for that special someone, do anything with chocolate and you're pretty much covered. Just put some thought into a gift and it goes a long way, whether it's for Valentine's Day or just because. People can't afford to go all-out all the time.

Nobody has to celebrate Valentine's--but here's an Important Relationship Tip: it's a REALLY good idea to know where your partner stands on the whole gift exchange thing BEFORE the day rolls around. Apathy is more of a turn-off than being 'cheap'.
posted by misha at 10:47 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is Valentine's day a big thing in the UK? I've always thought of it as a tradition that kinda died out everywhere in the world except the US. Has there been a recent resurgence of interest in it in the UK?
posted by yoink at 10:49 AM on February 2, 2012

FatherDagon: "Jesus christ. They do NOT sell bondage gear at UK Aldis, unless there's a really creative use for the horseriding gear and Slankets that I'm not pervy enough to work out.

You take the horseriding gear, and wrap it up in a slanket, and then just have sex ALL OVER IT. All the rage at the fetish clubs!"

Naaaaah, weak sauce. You put them IN the Slanket, then use the horse riding gear to secure them, and GO TO IT!

Protip: Put them in the Slanket upside down! It makes accessing the good bits SO much easier!
posted by Samizdata at 11:21 AM on February 2, 2012

Of course once I criticized this card as cheap and lazy, I remembered that I have only received one Valentine's Day card, ever. In 1992. From my gay then-boyfriend.

Beggars truly should not be choosers.
posted by orange swan at 11:23 AM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

Naaaaah, weak sauce. You put them IN the Slanket, then use the horse riding gear to secure them, and GO TO IT!

My friend's cousin's sister knows someone who died during a ponyslank party. It's dangerous and irresponsible to post this sort of information where any impressionable kid might read it and make a mistake that costs them their life. This whole thread should be deleted.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:30 AM on February 2, 2012 [9 favorites]

For Valentine's Day we email each other. Cheap as free. I would totally get him one of these cards - that's hilarious.

Last year I sent him these Golden Girls valentines.
The year before that he sent me this Tetris valentine.
For many years though I just stuck with these anti-valentines.
This year he's getting a couple of The Oatmeal's Horrible Cards.
And these band-aids spooning. (Because we both love this: "When a guy is the little spoon and his girlfriend is shorter than him, it's called "jetpacking".")

(I feel compelled to link The Snuggie Sutra, if you need ideas for what to do with - uh, in your Slankets.)
posted by flex at 11:33 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

We don't do The Holidays in quite the same way as the US - you won't see houses decorated for St Patrick's, Valentines or any other occasion bar Christmas (though Hallowe'en as a thing is catching on more these days than when I was a kid) and people might celebrate their national day or religious holiday (though we don't even say 'Happy Holidays' at Christmas time as there's not that many Jews over here and Eid usually falls too early) but Valentine's is marked on the calendar.

We don't celebrate it in the same way as the States - I understand it's common for kids to give Valentines out to the class and that doesn't happen here - but there is the expectation that you buy your partner flowers/chocolates/a dildo. Most people I know wouldn't be enormously upset if the occasion wasn't formally marked, so it could all be marketing (or just a reflection of the people I know) but people do 'celebrate' it. I think in the UK there's the traditional idea that it's for sending secret love notes rather than a card to your partner, but that idea may have changed.
posted by mippy at 11:58 AM on February 2, 2012

I thought the original slanket post was a droll rhetorical question - does that make me pervy? Or can we blame it on the time desjardens (I think) mentioned using the colorful and print rolls of Vetwrap for non-vetinary purposes which stuck with me and this will all cause trouble when I have to pick up hay weekend after next - there is no telling what I'm going to think about the folks in the feed store, especially the couples picking out ear tags and tube feeders.

On the plus side, maybe this means I don't have to ask the internets what to do for V day, I'll just pick up some rattle paddles at D&D.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:15 PM on February 2, 2012

Of course once I criticized this card as cheap and lazy, I remembered that I have only received one Valentine's Day card, ever. In 1992. From my gay then-boyfriend.

Beggars truly should not be choosers.

I can't be the only one that felt compelled to send a vday ecard after reading this?
posted by pupdog at 12:19 PM on February 2, 2012

I thought the original slanket post was a droll rhetorical question

THANK YOU. Trust me, having recently become aware of 'woolies', there are things one can do with slankets that I wish I'd never be able to imagine.
posted by mippy at 12:25 PM on February 2, 2012

Here, if you have the brain Swarfega and a very comprehensive French dictionary to hand
posted by mippy at 12:27 PM on February 2, 2012

If it's any consolation, orange swan, I've only ever had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day exactly once, and since I was a student and couldn't afford flowers, I stayed up all night cutting and gluing a bouquet of paper flowers for her, only to give them to her, and be met with a puzzling look and the statement "I didn't realize we were going out."

Which is still a better Valentine's Day than the first-date Valentine's Day when I got stood up. Luckily, I was already in a bar. A very, very empty bar.

Not a fan of Valentine's Day.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:35 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Actually, Capt. Renault, that does make me feel better. Even I never got stood up on Valentine's Day.

New Year's Eve, now, would be another story.;-)
posted by orange swan at 12:45 PM on February 2, 2012

It was the preparation wasted which was the worst. A first date? On Valentine's Day? Who does that? What the hell is the protocol for that? You can't give flowers or chocolate -- it has to be something much more lighthearted. There's no relationship to acknowledge, but still, it's Valentine's Day, and surely, you have to give something...

I went with a Wonder Woman Pez dispenser. The candy ended up tasting of bitterness and self-loathing.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2012

Worst ever? Are you kidding me?
Every year I go on a quest to find the worst mass produced valentines cards on the planet and I never come up empty handed. There is a specific market for boys to give out cards for their classmates that are the antithesis of romantic so as not to project TEH GAY to their peers. This is the type of card I look for.

One year I found "Free Wheelin' Valentines (your favorite extreme sports on wheels)". Another year, classic movie monster valentines. Another, San Fancisco 49ers valentines. It's just too easy.

Yes, I give these out at work. Yes, I address them in crayon.

By the way, if you want a better "chew, chew, chews you" valentine, try this one. It has a space for putting in the picture of your beloved. Mrs. Plinth got that one last year. She put it on the fridge. Glad I married her.
posted by plinth at 1:05 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

The same thing happened to a roommate of mine when we were both in our early twenties. She had a "let's meet and have a beverage" date planned with a guy she'd connected with on a telephone dating system. So there she was at the bar on Valentine's Day, and her date never showed. A guy answering her date's description did come in, circle the room, look steadily at her for five seconds, then leave. There were no Pez dispensers involved, but Kelly did have a drink, and she doesn't drink.
posted by orange swan at 1:06 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I can't be the only one that felt compelled to send a vday ecard after reading this?

VDay ecard? I want to wrap you all in woolie slankets! (my phone believes the trauma of bad VDays past is best soothed with Wookie slammers. I'm all for whatever takes the pain away.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:54 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wookie slammers

The drink that'll rip your arms off?
posted by pupdog at 2:13 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you think of Valentine's Day as a way to be more sexual active (in an open, consensual way), it's not such a bad idea. But in practicality, it kinda sucks. New Year's is kinda similar ...
posted by mrgrimm at 3:42 PM on February 2, 2012

I dumped my girlfriend on Valentine's Day two years ago...and I didn't even intend to. We hadn't been dating that long, we had a weird argument that weirded me out, and she was still married (but recently separated). So, at one point, I said—intending this entirely literally—"maybe we should just be friends again"; and after about three seconds of silence, she hung up the phone. I mean, we were still in that uncertain "should we be doing this?" stage. And I was expecting a discussion. And then for some reason I didn't immediately call her back. She later told me (and this echoes in my head even now), "If there was one person in the entire world I would have been certain would never dump me on Valentine's Day, it was you." Boy, that day sucked.

We got back together...

...but not for long.

Honestly, I think the thing that bothers me the most is the horrifying combination of dumping someone without actually having intended to dump then, and having hurt them so badly when they least expected it. There was no way to ever make that right.

So, you know, fuck Valentine's Day.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:16 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

You guys think you have bad Valentines' Days?


I work for a FLORIST.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:26 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]