He cried during the last “Lord of the Rings” movie.
February 3, 2012 9:24 AM Subscribe

"At my then-boyfriend’s house I opened a drawer to borrow a T-shirt. All the T-shirts were perfectly folded, as if ironed. I knew right then and there that I must run for my life." And other tales of romantic dead ends. capturing the exact moment you realize a relationship is doomed, doomed, doomed.
posted by unSane (672 comments total) 266 users marked this as a favorite

I wouldn't say it was over, but I definitely knew it could never be serious when I saw that there were no books other than the phone book and Tucker Max's book in my ex's apartment.
posted by elizardbits at 9:27 AM on February 3, 2012 [52 favorites]

I knew it was over when I was tempted to recommend David Foster Wallace to her because she was a semi-pro tennis player, but decided against it because she never, to my knowledge, read books.
posted by Afroblanco at 9:29 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

And thus the rest of my day is gone.
posted by brilliantine at 9:30 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

I went to his town for the weekend, and after the first wonderful night, he suddenly became clingy and repeatedly whimpered in a babyish voice, “Me likey, me likey,” even during sex.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
posted by nathancaswell at 9:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [37 favorites]

I knew it was over when I went on a roadtrip with him. He was driving to his father's house in North Carolina, a place he'd been many times before. We were about half an hour out. "Do you know where you're going?" I said. "Yeah," he said, "it's starting to look familiar." Tired from the drive, I fell asleep for ten minutes, woke up, and we were in the wrong state. He hadn't even noticed.
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:33 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

Oh shit, look what I discovered, it'll just scroll right off the page. PS, should have been

AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
posted by nathancaswell at 9:34 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

What's wrong with folded T-shirts? I can understand dumping a sword-wielding beau who proclaims "I am warrior!" but folding T-shirts seems to be just basic tidiness.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:35 AM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

I really like stories like this. Even the ones that seem unnecessarily harsh or unforgiving. I like having a little peek into someone's psyche - seeing the borders of what they want to have in their lives. It's this nice demonstration that we're all at least a little crazy and we all deal with people who are at least a little crazy.

Anyway, here's mine: I knew it was over when they told me I was eating a donut the wrong way. Seriously. We had our orders from Dunkins - I was hungry as hell, so mine was a sandwich and two donuts - and I took a donut out of my bag and starting eating it. They said to me, reproachfully, "You're supposed to save that for dessert." I mean, come on. Come on.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:36 AM on February 3, 2012 [79 favorites]

We had finished having sex for the first time. He jumped up out of bed and said, “I’m going to 7-11. You want me to get you some beef jerky?”

I find it impossible not to imagine the man in this story as David Letterman.
posted by escabeche at 9:37 AM on February 3, 2012 [89 favorites]

I have a tactic to combat what I consider "made up problem" syndrome, like the t-shirt problem. I almost never clean my bathroom. My theory is that people will always latch on to one issue, real or imagined. I provide a real legit problem for them to latch onto. A problem that is not really that serious, and is common enough, that we can work around it, but still gives people something to complain about.

My fruit flies are all dead though :( I miss them.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:37 AM on February 3, 2012 [43 favorites]

Already covered on Askme
posted by Melismata at 9:37 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

When they stop following you on Twitter.
posted by Flashman at 9:38 AM on February 3, 2012

I actually ended one serious relationship, long ago, when my boyfriend and I got into a long, serious fight over what would happen if I, hypothetically, got pregnant. He was absolutely insistent that I would have to have an abortion, no matter what my preference or choice might be. Bye bye, sweetie.

I hope we can do another cheery thread like this on Valentine's Day.
posted by bearwife at 9:38 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

I knew it was over when I went on a roadtrip with him. He was driving to his father's house in North Carolina, a place he'd been many times before. We were about half an hour out. "Do you know where you're going?" I said. "Yeah," he said, "it's starting to look familiar." Tired from the drive, I fell asleep for ten minutes, woke up, and we were in the wrong state. He hadn't even noticed.

If the "wrong state" was Georgia then I can tell you from experience that it is entirely too easy to do that.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:39 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

where does a man put his shirts? i don't understand...
posted by nutate at 9:39 AM on February 3, 2012

Wow, a surprising number of these involve the Lord of the Rings movies.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 9:39 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I knew it was over when we had sex for the first time, and afterward he asked me if I enjoyed myself, and I said I'd had a great time, and he said in utter seriousness, "That's good... because I mate for life."
posted by hermitosis at 9:39 AM on February 3, 2012 [104 favorites]

I like the indignant comments about the shirt-folding (referring to the hosting site, not here). Look, it's not a condemnation of shirt-folders, but a recognition of incompatibility. You don't need to rattle your sabers if you're a shirt-folder.
posted by neuromodulator at 9:40 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

This is my favorite:

He showed me his house. He had two life-size mannequins in his living room, man and woman. They were dressed in the exact outfits his parents were married in (wedding dress and military uniform). From head to toe, everything the mannequins wore on their wedding day. I thought maybe his parents had passed and he was remembering or honoring them. No, they are still alive.
posted by overglow at 9:40 AM on February 3, 2012 [39 favorites]

unSane: "All the T-shirts were perfectly folded, as if ironed."

I used to use a laundry service that gave back perfectly folded clothing. Wonder if she asked him about it.
posted by zarq at 9:40 AM on February 3, 2012 [19 favorites]

"We had finished having sex for the first time. He jumped up out of bed and said, “I’m going to 7-11. You want me to get you some beef jerky?”"

Look, that's just considerate.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2012 [178 favorites]

Physically, she was everything I wanted in woman. Yet her thick Russian accent and her choice of words were holding her back from being a perfect “10.” One evening, we cuddled on the bed and watched TV when I noticed her large hoop earnings. I told her how nice they looked and she immediately responded, “I will make you jump through hoops for me,” in that thick Russian accent. Those words, along with her strong accent, turned me off instantly. Her gorgeous looks couldn’t save her.

WHAT THIS WOMAN SOUNDS AWESOME
posted by nathancaswell at 9:42 AM on February 3, 2012 [161 favorites]

What's wrong with folded T-shirts? I can understand dumping a sword-wielding beau who proclaims "I am warrior!" but folding T-shirts seems to be just basic tidiness.

I agree. I used to just hang my T-shirts up (read: usually leave them in the basket fresh from the dryer and pull one out when I needed it) and now I live with someone who folds T-shirts. It is not a big deal either way. After a single incident where I looked in the closet and wondered where the hell all my shirts had gone and she pointed me at a dresser drawer, I adjusted.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:43 AM on February 3, 2012

Why would you even have to ask. Of course I want beef jerky!
posted by Ad hominem at 9:44 AM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

I have a tactic to combat what I consider "made up problem" syndrome, like the t-shirt problem. I almost never clean my bathroom. My theory is that people will always latch on to one issue, real or imagined. I provide a real legit problem for them to latch onto. A problem that is not really that serious, and is common enough, that we can work around it, but still gives people something to complain about.

This is... huh... the reason I don't clean my bathroom too.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 9:44 AM on February 3, 2012 [38 favorites]

I'll play!

1. At a symphony, I was making faces at the toddler in the row in front of me, to keep us both entertained, and my date called me "weirdo" for doing so.

2. "Garlic? Gahhhhhh!"

3. "I just hate Thanksgiving, all that emphasis on food."

4. After a month's break: "So, I guess you haven't changed?"

5. After a night out with my best friends, a couple: "I have nothing in common with that woman."

6. When I realized how much nicer it was to be spending time with someone else.

7. When she told me she'd found the website where I'd been discussing how much I wanted to break up with her.

8. When I was playing guitar, and she turned on the radio.

9. When my 3-year-old daughter asked me, on what I'd been thinking of as a good day, "Is something wrong with you, Daddy?"

10. When I looked at myself in the mirror and said "This is what you got divorced for? This is why you left your wife and child and house and dog and friends?"
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:45 AM on February 3, 2012 [43 favorites]

"We had finished having sex for the first time. He jumped up out of bed and said, “I’m going to 7-11. You want me to get you some beef jerky?”"

I'm not saying I would leave my wife for a woman who run to 7-11 to get me a bottle of Pineapple Fanta and bag of the 7-11 brand rip off Funions after sex; I'm just saying it sounds nice is all.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:45 AM on February 3, 2012 [29 favorites]

her thick Russian accent and her choice of words were holding her back from being a perfect “10.”

Seriously? Unusual phrasing and word choice is one of the best things about dating people who aren't native speakers.
posted by echo target at 9:46 AM on February 3, 2012 [31 favorites]

I wasn’t really sure how much he liked me, and when he told me one day that his uncle had died and he couldn’t have plans because he was going to the funeral, I felt suspicious. I pretty much knew it was over when I resorted to calling a bunch of funeral homes in the region and asking if they were having a service for “Mr. So and So.”

—Jen

Aftermath: It turns out the uncle did die, as I talked to the funeral home where the service was taking place. But my instincts were right; the guy broke things off a few weeks later.

"I knew it was over when he said he couldn't do anything with me because his uncle died, and his uncle actually had died."

?
posted by penduluum at 9:46 AM on February 3, 2012 [39 favorites]

I knew it was over when she removed my still beating heart from my chest and said she thought I was freaky, and that she liked me a lot.
posted by swift at 9:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

I actually ended one serious relationship, long ago, when my boyfriend and I got into a long, serious fight over what would happen if I, hypothetically, got pregnant.

According to a mutual friend, I know someone who broke up with a very serious potential life partner because she wouldn't answer the question "would you still love me if I were blue". I thought I'd found that person at long last up until "pregnant".
posted by DU at 9:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

The best one:

"I realized, as he was taking his pants off and thrusting toward me, that the reason I wasn’t attracted to him was because with his big round belly and hard dick, he looked like a bee coming at me with its stinger."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:48 AM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

I am a t-shirt folder, my wife isn't. We solved this problem by getting separate dressers.

We've been together for 15 years, so I guess us two crazy kids are going to make it after all.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2012 [17 favorites]

I once knew I had to end a relationship when I couldn't stand the sound of her (otherwise normal) breathing.

The reverse of this is when I realized that I should marry the woman who is now my wife when I realized didn't mind the sound of my her chewing, when usually I have to leave the room or turn on the TV or something if someone in the room with me is eating.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

I figured out he was just agreeing with everything I said and did. It was creepy, really. Like he had no personality of his own.

oh man this is THE WORST. I've had this happen. so creepy
posted by nathancaswell at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

2. "Garlic? Gahhhhhh!"

I broke up with the last women I dated before I met my wife partially because of garlic. She hated it, couldn't stand the smell or the taste and didn't want me to eat it either. I just couldn't imaging living the rest of my life without garlic.
posted by octothorpe at 9:49 AM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

He had two life-size mannequins in his living room, man and woman. They were dressed in the exact outfits his parents were married in (wedding dress and military uniform).

At least it was easy to break up with him. Just say his names 3 times: beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice!
posted by DU at 9:51 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Metafilter: You don't need to rattle your sabers if you're a shirt-folder.
posted by snapped at 9:51 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

her thick Russian accent and her choice of words were holding her back from being a perfect “10.”

Seriously? Unusual phrasing and word choice is one of the best things about dating people who aren't native speakers.

I'm dating a native English speaker and, when it isn't confusing or annoying, her unusual phrasing is one of the cutest things about her.
posted by Aizkolari at 9:52 AM on February 3, 2012

her thick Russian accent and her choice of words were holding her back from being a perfect “10.”

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."

- George Carlin
posted by Mister Fabulous at 9:52 AM on February 3, 2012 [24 favorites]

Perfectly folded t-shirts simply indicates that he watched the nifty t-shirt quickfold-method video on the internets, and therefore knows how to "hack" things, which is clearly hot. To verify, the next step would have been to ask him to peel multiple heads of garlic in under a minute, or give him a bottle of cheap vodka and a Brita filter and see how he responds. If he runs, he is clearly not the hacker you were looking for.
posted by taz at 9:52 AM on February 3, 2012 [63 favorites]

I wasn’t really sure how much he liked me, and when he told me one day that his uncle had died and he couldn’t have plans because he was going to the funeral, I felt suspicious. I pretty much knew it was over when I resorted to calling a bunch of funeral homes in the region and asking if they were having a service for “Mr. So and So.”

—Jen

Aftermath: It turns out the uncle did die, as I talked to the funeral home where the service was taking place. But my instincts were right; the guy broke things off a few weeks later.

uh maybe he broke up with you cause you're fucking crazy and insecure?
posted by nathancaswell at 9:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [42 favorites]

Unusual phrasing and word choice is one of the best things about dating people who aren't native speakers.

I once heard an account from a fellow who was in the middle of an indelicate act with a German woman, who moaned, "Fuck me hardly!" and he started laughing so hard he couldn't finish.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [84 favorites]

I am a t-shirt folder

No no no. You're supposed to say "Hi, my name is Horace Rumpole, and I am a t-shirt folder."

Hi Horace. We want you to know, there's no blaming here. Perhaps you'd like to share with us some of the ways that t-shirt folding has hurt the people you love?
posted by yoink at 9:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

See, this is why I never dated.
posted by The Whelk at 9:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Walking into a date's domicile and seeing NO BOOKS is not just a dealbreaker. It actively creeps me out.

I have also cut things short when I discovered my date chewed loudly with his mouth open. It may seem like a small thing, but it gives me the howling fucking fantods and if I can't eat in the same room with you without spending the entire time on the verge of a full on screaming fit because of the horrid slorping and smekcking noises you make while your mastications are on full fucking display then I just don't see how things are going to work out. Sorry.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:54 AM on February 3, 2012 [41 favorites]

He said he’d “rather lose a finger than go bald.”

Which finger, left pinky? IN A HEARTBEAT.
posted by nathancaswell at 9:54 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

I suspect I might be the person on the other end of the deal breakers rather than the person doing the bailing.
posted by Decani at 9:55 AM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

That's so funny about the garlic. I found out that an SO couldn't eat cilantro (it tasted "soapy"; i can eat it raw) and after that, hanging out just didn't make sense anymore.
posted by mochapickle at 9:55 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

hermitosis: and I said I'd had a great time, and he said in utter seriousness, "That's good... because I mate for life."

But he must have been joking, right? I mean, the only options are a) a virgin, b) previous partners have all died, c) kills partners when tired of them, d) he's a ghost, e) lying, or f) joking.
posted by nobody at 9:56 AM on February 3, 2012 [30 favorites]

From my POV: She said, "Who's Han Solo?"
From her POV: He lectured me about someone named Hamsalo for an hour.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:56 AM on February 3, 2012 [257 favorites]

My boyfriend would regularly and gleefully make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for random homeless drug addicts but wouldn’t make me breakfast–or lunch or dinner for that matter–without a huge fight. Aftermath: Oddly, he would get angry with me if I made myself food and didn’t share it with him. We lasted a tortuous two years.

Oo ouch yow cringe

Walking into a date's domicile and seeing NO BOOKS is not just a dealbreaker. It actively creeps me out.
..
I agree completely, but one has to be careful in this day of the Kindle.
posted by Melismata at 9:56 AM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

Walking into a date's domicile and seeing NO BOOKS is not just a dealbreaker. It actively creeps me out.

Hmmm. This is a bit like how you used to be able to tell at a glance that the person walking towards you on the sidewalk animatedly talking into thin air and gesticulating was a crazy person, and now you just assume they're on a cellphone. If you walk into someone's house and see no books, you'd better find a way to subtly get the conversation around to what they're reading on their e-reader.
posted by yoink at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2012 [24 favorites]

he said in utter seriousness, "That's good... because I mate for life."

Holy shit, I think I'd run away immediately at that point and then look for stories in the local paper about "local man found with several people preserved in formaldehyde jars in basement."
posted by kmz at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm wondering if my ex knew it was over when I cried during the last "Lord of the Rings" movie.

Thank God I don't care.
posted by Elly Vortex at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I knew it was over when I went to hang out with him at his apartment ("careful, I just mopped!") and found a sponge mop sticking out of his toilet.
posted by marimeko at 9:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [39 favorites]

She was looking at my bedroom bookcase, saw the one shelf packed with Leonard Cohen books, and said "Oh yeah, the guy I said couldn't sing, whose name I couldn't remember? That's him." Aaaaand we're done.

Aftermath: The immediate breakup sex was pretty good.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

Walking into a date's domicile and seeing NO BOOKS is not just a dealbreaker. It actively creeps me out.
..
I agree completely, but one has to be careful in this day of the Kindle.

No, it's still creepy. Like those people who "love to read" and what they mean is "drop $75 on brain-dead books at B&N" rather than "go to the library religiously".
posted by DU at 10:00 AM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

Walking into a date's domicile and seeing NO BOOKS is not just a dealbreaker. It actively creeps me out. \

I have thousands of books. You know what people say? "You sure do read a lot" or "You read all of those?" or "You do anything else besides read?" I am thinking of hiding them so I never have to awnser any dumb questions about them ever again.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:00 AM on February 3, 2012 [63 favorites]

How I Knew It Was Over:

"It's just a cat."

GTFO
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:00 AM on February 3, 2012 [163 favorites]

"That's good... because I mate for life."

Look, Leda, you knew the risks when you decided to get freaky with a swan. Don't come crying to us about it.
posted by yoink at 10:00 AM on February 3, 2012 [54 favorites]

A friend of mine once ended a relationship because of the outcome of the 2000 election.

(...My friend was with the Green Party, and his ex was a Democrat, so they were getting into huge arguments during the campaign over Nader's potential impact, but decided to table the breakup until they saw the election results. When the Supreme Court finally threw to Bush, they broke up.)

I don't know if "had one date but declined to have more" counts, but -- I once had a date with a guy who told me after about an hour that I was "everything he was looking for in a woman", and then in the next sentence told me "but you'll have to stop cutting your hair short".

There was not a second date.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

But he must have been joking, right? I mean, the only options are a) a virgin

Strong suspicion that this was it.
posted by hermitosis at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Walking into a date's domicile and seeing NO BOOKS is not just a dealbreaker.

The one thing to doublecheck in this scenario is whether he or she is a library-goer. My girlfriend has a dearth of books in her room, but that's only because she rents them for free from the government. Weird, I know.
posted by Aizkolari at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2012 [17 favorites]

"There's nothing better than putting on fresh deodorant in the morning!"

Whether she was being sincere, or referring to her perception of me is unclear, but it was just not gonna work.
posted by Danf at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I knew it was over when, in a conversation about feminism, he asked me whether I thought the whole "gender neutral thing" had "gone too far."
posted by ActionPopulated at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

nobody: " But he must have been joking, right? I mean, the only options are a) a virgin, b) previous partners have all died, c) kills partners when tired of them, d) he's a ghost, e) lying, or f) joking."

E) He ate them with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
posted by zarq at 10:03 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sad answer: I ate a donut and he asked if I went to the gym today.

Better answer (different guy): He had a mirror next to the bed and stared at himself while we made out.
posted by troika at 10:03 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I used to use a laundry service that gave back perfectly folded clothing.

Oh man, those were the best. I would drop off and pick up my laundry once a week or so in Chicago and it was so awesome. I usually didn't even bother taking the clothes out of the laundry bag, just reached in and grabbed what I needed. Never did try the delivery services... that crossed a laziness line for me, plus I didn't feel comfortable just leaving my clothes outside.

Now I've got a family and a house and I do my own laundry like a chump. And then my wife made me stop just throwing my clean clothes in a pile too. *sigh*
posted by kmz at 10:03 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Never has a deal been broken as fast as when I saw how she talked to waiters.
posted by joechip at 10:04 AM on February 3, 2012 [89 favorites]

errrr. That should be (g) *sigh*

In my defense, I'm teaching my kids to say the alphabet backwards.
posted by zarq at 10:04 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

My boyfriend of four years, the one who I was talking to open-endedly about getting married to balked in a very embarrassing and deer-in-headlights way when I mentioned that I was losing my health insurance because my job was ending and so with that plus COBRA we should maybe think about making it permanent in the next "year or so." The combination of "Oh, my long term SO wouldn't consider getting married for health care reasons" and also "My SO can't even talk about us eventually marrying without losing his shit" made me creeped out in a way that was unsalvageable. Turns out he was just sort of going over the "Actually I want kids" thing in his mind and was too afraid to tell me. He is now married with a baby and I got health insurance through MeFi and am dating someone else who would probably marry me for no reason which somehow makes me not care at all about getting married.

No books is a total dealbreaker for me, but I'd hope it's the sort of thing I could suss out before I went to someone's house. Other dealbreakers

- having some fun sexytime with a guy and he rolled over and pointed to his crotch and said "Okay now do me!" which, yeah okay, but it put me off
- "Your girlfriend says it's okay and so now we can fool around when I told you already I don't want to be a side girl? Get out of my house please."
- Discussion of prostate exams after one-night-stand-ish sex
- fooling around with a guy at his night watchman job. He gets a phone call "Hi, yeah, we were JUST ABOUT TO. Yeah I'll let you know how it is..."

That funeral home one is funny "Well it turned out the uncle really DID die, but I dumped him anyhow..." Just like bearwife said.
posted by jessamyn at 10:04 AM on February 3, 2012 [29 favorites]

Aizkolari: "The one thing to doublecheck in this scenario is whether he or she is a library-goer."

Or owns an overstuffed kindle. ;)
posted by zarq at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't understand. What do T-shirt-nonfolders do? Hang T-shirts on hangers? Because that's way weirder to me.
posted by stopgap at 10:07 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

The folding thing: my boyfriend is a Clean Person and, as a Slob Person, living with him RULES. I mean, he likes to vacuum! He also folds tshirts like a robot built to produce a perfectly folded tshirt. And sometimes my clothes "accidentally" get mixed in with his......
posted by troika at 10:08 AM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

- fooling around with a guy at his night watchman job. He gets a phone call "Hi, yeah, we were JUST ABOUT TO. Yeah I'll let you know how it is..."

Okay, blueballing the guy is not enough there. Sitcom revenge is called for.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:08 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

I have thousands of books. You know what people say? "You sure do read a lot" or "You read all of those?" or "You do anything else besides read?" I am thinking of hiding them so I never have to awnser any dumb questions about them ever again.

I get questions about my reading habits a lot from relatives, and I get a lot of questions about my internet habits from coworkers--to the point where they'll now rib me about "what happened on the Twitters today".

I've decided that anyone who tells me I read too much or spend too much time on the internet is instantly disqualified from a Special Place In Phire's Heart, platonic or otherwise. It's a good filter, I find.
posted by Phire at 10:09 AM on February 3, 2012 [31 favorites]

I get more annoyed by people with like 50 books that want to show them to me than I do by people with no books. It is always like Tom Robbins and Interview with a Vampire and Harry Potter. I got all those I don't need to see your copies.

It also annoys me when people buy me books without looking at the books I have. I have 7 copies of Leaves of Grass at this point.

people usually break up with me because I am too negative
posted by Ad hominem at 10:09 AM on February 3, 2012 [24 favorites]

I knew it was over when we left the screening of Leaving Las Vegas - or as I like to call it, Frat Boy Gang Rape And Alcoholism - and as I tried to gather together the shredded pieces of my soul, she shrugged and chirped, "Well! That was depressing. Still don't see what the big deal about the rape scene was though."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:09 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I was about to be like "how do you get health care through MeFi, sign me up" and then I realized it was you, Jessamyn.

Dealbreaker on a date: "I'm glad (I can call you Gillian) because dating a girl named Gus would just push all my queer panic buttons" (sorry you have queer panic buttons, dude)
posted by gusandrews at 10:10 AM on February 3, 2012 [30 favorites]

How I Knew It Was Over:

"It's just a cat."

I've had the opposite experience: "His (the cat's) vet bills were $4000."

And done.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 10:10 AM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

I don't understand. What do T-shirt-nonfolders do? Hang T-shirts on hangers? Because that's way weirder to me.

I can't say for sure where they'll be, maybe in the dresser, maybe on the floor, but they'll definitely be in a pile.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:10 AM on February 3, 2012 [12 favorites]

Re: T-shirts – folding them isn't the issue. Folding them so meticulously that they appear to be ironed would be. Not necessarily a character flaw, but extreme enough that I'd probably take it as a red flag too.

(Also I have never actively broken off a relationship so I have nothing to contribute here beyond commentary. I am lame.)
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:11 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I knew it was over when, during a conversation with a co-worker, I said I'd rather share my apartment with a hypothetical cat than my actual boyfriend. Co-worker was appalled, I was relieved, boyfriend and I broke up a week later at my instigation.
posted by librarylis at 10:11 AM on February 3, 2012

having some fun sexytime with a guy and he rolled over and pointed to his crotch and said "Okay now do me!" which, yeah okay, but it put me off

Know what's a thousand times worse? "Kiss it." Ughughughughugh
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:11 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Oh I forgot about the guy I stopped seeing because he constantly misspelled "Minnesota." Which would not be a big deal, I guess, had he not been from Minnesota.
posted by troika at 10:12 AM on February 3, 2012 [37 favorites]

... and I got health insurance through MeFi

SHIT we can do that? Did I miss a MeTa or something?

posted by jessamyn at 1:04 PM

... aw.
posted by penduluum at 10:12 AM on February 3, 2012 [21 favorites]

I knew it was over when she escaped from the psych ward and disappeared. True story.
posted by charlie don't surf at 10:13 AM on February 3, 2012 [12 favorites]

T-shirts (a shirt you'd wear out, not undershirts) on hangers makes the most sense to me. Otherwise your choice is usually either wearing a wrinkly shirt (sloppy) or ironing your t-shirt (hello Sleeping With the Enemy guy!).
posted by LordSludge at 10:13 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I have thousands of books. You know what people say?

Yes, because I've gotten it many times, and it's "why do you have so many books?"

I think I'm dating the wrong woman.
posted by P.o.B. at 10:13 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

When he went on a mini-tirade on how you should only use the world 'problematic' as a noun, never an adjective (without me having done so), was simultaneously the moment I knew I would always love him and that we could never be in a healthy relationship as a "couple." (Didn't stop me from trying for a year or so, but the results were, as predicted, problematic to the friendship.)

(I'm only making this comment because I didn't post it in the grammar thread earlier this week and it is fresh in my mind.)

And don't even get me started on the super hot guy who, after an evening of super nice conversation drove me home from the bar (he'd been drinking soda as he was maybe going to get called into work - which is actually relevant) in his super nice car to his super nice condo, where after he'd taken his shirt off and revealing a super nice body but before things really got started, I excused myself to piss and discovered a library full of books written by Fox news personalities under a framed headline from 9/11. He was a air traffic controller, so I get that it might have affected him in a different way. But on that trip in the bathroom, it finally clicked why this guy, who, was on the surface up until that point, darn near perfect seeming, might have trouble meeting guys for a meaningful same sex relationship with a "good, smart gay guy" (his words - which was also his explanation as to why said he identified as bisexual but preferred guys). Given that he also seemed pretty sex phobic and judgmental for someone who was buying drinks for and picking up a guy in a bar for at least one night stand, I excused myself politely, so I at least didn't become another guy who 'just had sex with him and never called back.' I try not to stereotype, but based on this experience, I've also always figured gay/bisexual Republicans aren't very good kissers, even if they have having super nice lips.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:14 AM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

I once heard an account from a fellow who was in the middle of an indelicate act with a German woman, who moaned, "Fuck me hardly!" and he started laughing so hard he couldn't finish.

In the golden age of penis-enhancement spams, the combination of non-native-English-speaking scammers and spambots hitting thesauruses to evade spam filters made for some occasionally amusing phrasing. I distinctly remember seeing in my Gmail's Spam box the subject line "PENETRATE HER HARDLY".
posted by acb at 10:14 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

ens plurals
posted by P.o.B. at 10:14 AM on February 3, 2012

One of my more unusual ones:

I was dating a man who was a transvestite, which was fine, and rather fun.

At one point, though, I looked down. Sometime during the rigors of our amorous activities, his wig had fallen off. It popped into my head that without the wig, and with the way he had his makeup done, he looked like Dame Edna.

The more I tried to banish this thought from my mind, the worse it got. "Don't think about Dame Edna...don't think about Dame Edna DAMMIT."

It even began extending into regular life, when he was not made up in feminine garb. We would be talking and the resemblance would creep unbidden to my mind.

It wasn't the reason we broke up, but might have been the beginning of the end. Because I just am not sexually attracted to Dame Edna.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:15 AM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

I can understand ~~dumping~~ MARRYING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF a sword-wielding beau who proclaims "I am warrior!"

At my wedding, no first dance. First duel.
posted by Pallas Athena at 10:15 AM on February 3, 2012 [19 favorites]

I was about to be like "how do you get health care through MeFi, sign me up" and then I realized it was you, Jessamyn.

Same; for a few seconds I was impressed/aghast that mathowie had created a plan for MeFites, and started wondering if anyone had made a Blue Plus joke yet.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:15 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh, I have one. I dated a girl who had a party which involved a planned "name that celebrity baby" photo-recognizing contest. That triggered some serious introspection.
posted by neuromodulator at 10:16 AM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

We had very little in common besides both being generically geeky and having gone to school together, so after three years we pretty much had nothing to talk about beyond affectionate platitudes, and those got old. I knew it was over when I started feeling contemptuous instead of concerned and sympathetic when he complained of something at school not going well. I wish I been smart enough to recognize that as warning sign back then...the relationship dragged along for another six months after that.
posted by Phire at 10:17 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I knew it was over when she turned up for a date in duck boots.
posted by unSane at 10:17 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

NB it was the duckness not the bootness.
posted by unSane at 10:17 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

She didn't show up in the hospital any of the five times I had brain surgery during the years we were together.
posted by emelenjr at 10:18 AM on February 3, 2012 [22 favorites]

Paging rhodri to the thread...
posted by acb at 10:18 AM on February 3, 2012

And this "not if s/he has no books" thing... I have a hard time getting over how much of a class shibboleth it is. I mean, I'm going to act on that impulse too, I'll instantly ignore any OKCupid profile that says "books wut r those lol," but I keep in mind that Carolyn Chute, who writes about poverty in rural Maine, is married to a man who is illiterate, and every time that comes up in an interview in some tony publication they are flabbergasted by it in a way that just seems horribly prejudiced. Bookishness is not the only lovable aspect a person can have.

Even for people who are literate, it's problematic in class terms because it's not about reading, it's about owning books, which requires money. Hell, if you went on a date with my father, who has plenty of money and reads a ton, you'd come back to his house to find that the only books he owns are ones he received as gifts (hello, both volumes of Lawrence Welk's autobiography) because he's too cheap not to sell any book he buys back to the used bookstore. I mean, I wouldn't suggest dating my father, but that's because he's married, not because of the books.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:20 AM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

P.o.B.: I have thousands of books. You know what people say? Yes, because I've gotten it many times, and it's "why do you have so many books?"

I always get, "You're never going to read all of those..." Me: "Actually, I've read all but [that little pile there]." Them: "Why don't you get rid of them, then?" Me: "...."
posted by kittenmarlowe at 10:20 AM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

Seems like a good time to thank everyone who responded to my 2004 AskMe on a similar topic, and let y'all know I got married a few months ago, so clearly the advice worked!
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:21 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

I have a tactic to combat what I consider "made up problem" syndrome, like the t-shirt problem.

Where did this idea come from - somewhere from a linked article on MetaFilter they described the "add a duck" or something like that strategy for design. Because the client always wants to change something, so you edit in a stupid animated gif of a duck, or goose, or what the hell was it? And then the client gets to feel good changing something without fucking up your excellent design work.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:23 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

I once heard an account from a fellow who was in the middle of an indelicate act with a German woman, who moaned, "Fuck me hardly!" and he started laughing so hard he couldn't finish.

Back in the day, I used to encourage ladies who tended to hit globish occasionally to, ahhh, express themselves in their native languages. Used to explain that it'd be exotic and sexy (actually, no) but mainly because it'd stop mishaps like this from happening.

_{I think I was also a little bit of a dick back then, feel a bit terrible now to have been so scheming.}
posted by the cydonian at 10:23 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

The ones where people break up with people because they cry, or don't always follow gender norms, or have a therapist make me sad though.
posted by overglow at 10:23 AM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

I have a feeling that Bulgaroktonos father actually is Lawrence Welk because I can't picture someone getting to the end of vol. 1 and thinking but how does it end?
posted by griphus at 10:23 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I am a t-shirt folder, my wife isn't. We solved this problem by getting separate dressers.

I'm not a total slob, but no one will ever call me fastidious ... I'm kinda boggled here:

What the fuck do you do with your T-shirts if you don't fold them?

Or is it the fact that they were pressed? This is like eating peas with a fork. Childish (unless it's a metaphor for a actual problem she had with him.)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:25 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I once volunteered to host a guy from a small forum community I was active in while he was visiting the US. I'd always enjoyed his posts, and truly admired his poetry, and felt sad when he got engaged to another poster, and *hug*ged him when they broke it off, and beta'd his fantasy novel, and...

Anyway, I drove to Austin to pick him up and thought it was odd when he asked permission to keep calling me by my username, Ruby. After the drive back to my apartment, the first thing he did was pull a fancy-looking jewelry box out of his bag and insisted I accept it (I was beyond relieved when I opened it and found it to be an extremely cheap red CZ pendant and chain). He fastened it around my neck for me, and managed to kiss me on the ear.

Unfortunately, it wasn't over because I had agreed to keep him for an entire week! I tried to lay down the law a bit so everything could be nice, but it got worse when the other forumites I complained to helpfully told him off when he checked in. After that settled down, he eventually declared that he loved me.

The next day the week was up, and then it was over.
posted by jinjo at 10:27 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I always get, "You're never going to read all of those..." Me: "Actually, I've read all but [that little pile there]." Them: "Why don't you get rid of them, then?" Me: "...."

I used to get that one, back when strangers came into my house. Now I get (while walking and reading at the same time) "must be a good book!" Well, it's better than just, what? Blanking my mind for the 10 minutes it takes to walk this enormo hallway? Twice a day?

(It also really hacks me off when people more than 50 feet ahead of my hold the door. When I have to run to accept the door, I'm not reading! And you've reduced my reading time by a significant fraction!)
posted by DU at 10:28 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

Wait. What the fuck is the matter with folding your T-shirts? Respect the shirt, goddammit -- it's what pays the rent around here!

(my saint of a partner/wife/friend/roommate/field-trip buddy has put up with my insane t-shirt "archiving" predilection for 14 years, and she seems happy enough most days)
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:29 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I am also definitely more on the other side of these stories. But one of my favorites from a friend was not so much a break up, since they never actually dated. He decided not to date a girl he was chatting on Ok Cupid or one of those sites because she believed Batman had been bitten by a radioactive bat.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 10:29 AM on February 3, 2012 [35 favorites]

I knew it was over once I heard the clicking sound her left knee made whenever she walked or otherwise moved her left leg.
posted by RedShrek at 10:31 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

My first clue in one particular relationship was how much TV she watched, how quickly after she walked in the door the TV went on, how the TV was the center of non-work existence.

Second clue: whistling along to songs on the radio. Off-key whistling. It was painful.

Eventually finding out she had been married all along turned out to be something of a relief.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:31 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

I have a feeling that Bulgaroktonos father actually is Lawrence Welk because I can't picture someone getting to the end of vol. 1 and thinking but how does it end?

Those books (Ah-One, Ah-Two, and Wunnerful, Wunnerful) were a gift from some relation who is lost to the sands of time; they'd been in the family longer than I've been alive, always sitting in a bookcase with a copy of a book called My Life with Elvis, a book celebrating the 25th anniversary of Doctor Who, and like five family Bibles.

Despite the fact that the books had been around for like 30 years, no one had ever read them. Then, last year sometime, I saw my dad and asked him if was reading anything interesting and he says "Oh yeah, I've just started the second Lawrence Welk book." It was really unsettling, since I had always assumed that those books were never going to be read. A great mystery from my childhood was exposed; he might as well have told me that he figured out why our house was infested with ladybugs every year.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Things like this are interesting because inevitably about 50% of the time the person writing them sounds like the weird one. Half of these should be called "why I will never have a long term relationship".

Also, I seem to only be able to type "because" after several attempts, instead spelling it "becuase". How do I start a petition to have it changed permanently?
posted by bongo_x at 10:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

"Oh yeah, the guy I said couldn't sing, whose name I couldn't remember? That's him." Aaaaand we're done.

I just want to just throw out my usual counterpoint here. My wife and I have very, very different aesthetic and artistic tastes, but we also work very, very well together.

That comment about Leonard Cohen? She might say the same thing about Fugazi. FUGAZI! And yet I kiss her instead of punching.

She believes in astrology. And psychics! ... I can't even start on that.

We started dating when those annoying Gap commercials (everybody in stripes, swing dancing or whatever on white backgrounds) were all over the place. I was a big Adbusters fan at the time.

My "It Was Over When" moment almost came when she made some comment about how those commercials were "kinda cool." I went home that night and wrote her a long letter I never sent explaining why that made me so mad. But thank god I didn't let it end our relationship.

Anyway ...

All I'm saying is fuck High Fidelity (at least the Cusack version) and don't let your trivial aesthetic or religious preferences undermine what could be a fucking great relationship (or a great fucking relationship).

Politics would be more of a deal breaker. I couldn't get past a Dittohead or Bircher. Hell, I have a problem with moderate Democrats...
posted by mrgrimm at 10:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [61 favorites]

The ones where people break up with people because they cry, or don't always follow gender norms, or have a therapist make me sad though.

as bongo_x just said, "it's not me, it's you."
posted by mrgrimm at 10:33 AM on February 3, 2012

My ex-girlfriend once told me she decided she was going to break up with one of her ex-boyfriends when they were playing basketball together and he stuck his butt out "kind of weird" when he caught the ball.

> He decided not to date a girl he was chatting on Ok Cupid...

I lost interest in a cute girl I liked at library school when I went over to her place for a party and discovered she only owned eight CDs, six of which were Barenaked Ladies and Great Big Sea.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:33 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I knew it was over when she said she loved me.
posted by LordSludge at 10:33 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Seriously? Unusual phrasing and word choice is one of the best things about dating people who aren't native speakers.

Indeed. I once developed a little crush on a Brazilian who instead of ending a question-filled e-mail, "thanks in advance," signed it off with "forward thanks."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:35 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

A lot of these stories (from the original site, but also the comment I made) do say a lot more (or at least an equal amount) about the poster. As has been mentioned, many strike me as jokes made that went wrong or weren't understood -- though I suppose in that case, it's just as well that it ended.

(On preview, bongo_x said the same thing. But becuase I am narcissistic, I'm going to press post anyway.)

((Pressing 'post' with the red squiggly line still on it is SO hard; it feels like I have to physically press the mouse button harder.))
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:36 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I lost interest in a cute girl I liked at library school when I went over to her place for a party and discovered she only owned eight CDs, six of which were Barenaked Ladies and Great Big Sea.

Aren't you required by Canadian law to instantly marry her?
posted by kmz at 10:36 AM on February 3, 2012 [40 favorites]

I just want to just throw out my usual counterpoint here. My wife and I have very, very different aesthetic and artistic tastes...

Point taken, mrgrimm, but for me, Leonard is well beyond mere aesthetic preference.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:37 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Don't change "because" into "becuase". We might need "becuase" for an enzyme one of these days.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:38 AM on February 3, 2012 [77 favorites]

I will also play, though...

1. I met her mom
2. She was still a bad kisser after the fourth or fifth time
3. She got so inexplicably jealous she vomited on my shoes
4. I realized I still loved my ex-girlfriend (the one who vomited on my shoes)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:38 AM on February 3, 2012

I do think that people who react in similar ways when exposed to a bookshelf should date each other. "Why are there so many books here?" people should get together with other "why are there so many books here?" people, while it's probably best if the "I AM GOING TO SCRUTINIZE YOUR BOOKSHELF SQUEE" folks pair off with similar types.

(like many of the people here, I'm in category 2. I think maybe we baffle and annoy category 1 people as much as category 1 people baffle and annoy us).

Also: Having a well-stocked bookshelf is good, but having a well-used library card is better. If I weren't good and well off the dating market, I'd probably be adding that line to an okcupid profile right now.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:39 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Meatbomb, in my work we call it "The Hairy Arm." If you're preparing an illustration or some such, make one guy's arm really hairy, as this gives your editor something to change.

I, too, fold my t shirts, including the white undershirts. But no one, and I say this objectively, would imagine that they'd been ironed.

Finally, we've talked about the difference between owning books and valuing the act of reading. My opinion on the subject was different from languagehat's.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:40 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I knew it was over when I went to hang out with him at his apartment ("careful, I just mopped!") and found a sponge mop sticking out of his toilet.

Hmm, I guess I don't see a problem here. I mean, most peoples' mop buckets are pretty filthy, and if the toilet was cleaned first I can't see any problem with this. Half the time when I see people mopping it strikes me they're just spreading the dirt around in soapy water.

Anyways, I knew it was over when I came home to find the packaging for her vibrator nailed to the outside of the apartment door and she had hidden/stolen my pot and mushrooms. My early 20s were a time of learning.
posted by Hoopo at 10:41 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

You may be right. I may start cruising librarything for dates.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:42 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

When I was 17 I was heading out to spend the day with my girlfriend, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a week. The TV was on, and I noticed that Spike was running an all-day Star Trek: The Next Generation marathon. "Dammit," I thought, "I wish I didn't have plans."

When I was 24 I ended a five-year relationship because I re-read the Ask MetaFilter question I was about to submit and realized I already knew the answer.
posted by Zozo at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

She suggested that a photo I made that I was giving as a gift be printed on canvas paper so it would "Look like a painting."

As a professional photographer, I figured she'd be better off with a painter. Relation:over.
posted by cccorlew at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

The comments in this thread are way better than most of the stories on the actual site.
posted by asnider at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

I lost interest in a guy I'd gone on a few dates with because he came over to watch a movie and complained that my roommate's tv was not big enough.

I lost interest in another guy I was considering being more interested in because he raised his eyebrow at me in a way that made me think he might make a wild cat noise in bed.

I had a breakup with a boyfriend at a wedding when seeing two other people get married made us realize we never wanted to marry each other, ever.

___

I don't get the has-books/doesn't-read dichotomy. There are plenty of people who read all the time, and love books, and love to read, and hate owning things. For us, there is the library. I am wary of "collectors" of anything, so when I go to a guy's apartment and it's full of CDs, DVDs, and books--even if the actual titles demonstrate excellent taste--I know already that we're not a match because I'm a minimalist and I fundamentally don't understand the need to own a lot of media.
posted by millipede at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [31 favorites]

She hooked up with another guy, in her living room, while I waited for her to come to bed.
posted by Pronoiac at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

If a absence of "good books" is a genuine dealbreaker for people, I'm going to start renting out my library. They'll get laid, I'll get rich, and the snobs will get their commeupance the next morning when their partner has no idea what a gravity rainbow is.

There was some book from the 60s where a man about town had different apartment decor based on which girl he was taking home that night....blanking on the name. The description of the "beatnik decor" for "arty chicks" was pretty funny, blown up victorian prints and comic books around cause superheroes are "totally Op Art"
posted by The Whelk at 10:48 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I knew it was over (or I knew that she knew it was over) when she called me up and the first thing that came out of my mouth was the weird color of my pee that night.

I put down the phone and I had one of those "what the hell did I just say" moments.

(But it was a weird neon yellow color - FWIW).
posted by bitteroldman at 10:49 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

When a 23-year-old girl tells you that she shares a birthday with Leo DiCaprio and thus kind of had a crush on him back in the Titanic days (when she was 11), you do not drop her hand and say with abject sullenness, "I don't like hearing about that kind of stuff. You're with me now."

No, no I'm not.
posted by Katine at 10:50 AM on February 3, 2012 [67 favorites]

When I regained consciousness and realized she had dropped a wrench from our loft bedroom overlooking the living room, onto my head.
posted by holdkris99 at 10:50 AM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

Mine:

1. On our first date, after we'd met online, he swanned into the coffee shop and his first words to me were "Oh thank God you're cute! I have this deal with the owner of the shop where I always call her ahead of a date to make sure, otherwise I don't show up. I'm [dude's name]." Aaaand we're done here.

2. He handed me his cell phone while driving and asked me to call his friends to tell them we were going top be a little late for dinner. The screen that popped up was a text screen showing a message thread between him and some guy where they'd been sexting about a half an hour before he picked me up.

3. When he told me he wanted to take his massive, incredibly high-maintenance Great Dane on our quiet get-away vacation together because "she's a great guy magnet". Um...dude?

4. And one extra, with a twist: this one when I was finally able to get over a crush I had on a straight guy I'd known for years: when he told me that, as a white, straight, male, middle-class Christian, he was the most persecuted and discriminated-against demographic group in our society. In that one email, he'd managed to completely quench my ardor for him. I only wished he'd sent it years earlier -- it would have saved me a ton of angst.
posted by darkstar at 10:50 AM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

My first reaction on the T-shirt entry: a rival girl- (or boy-) friend was folding them for him.
posted by gimonca at 10:51 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I lost interest in another guy I was considering being more interested in because he raised his eyebrow at me in a way that made me think he might make a wild cat noise in bed.

....Can you memail me his number?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:52 AM on February 3, 2012 [39 favorites]

>I just want to just throw out my usual counterpoint here. My wife and I have very, very different aesthetic and artistic tastes, but we also work very, very well together.<

Yeah, the musical-book-movie taste thing is a little odd to me. When my wife of nearly 20 years (egads) and I met we were both pretty into music, and worked in music distribution (I have worked as a musician and in music production of some type most of my life). Except you could have had me make a list of the artists I despised most in the entire world and it would perfectly match her list of favorites. There was probably not one act we could think of that we both enjoyed. Not kidding.

In the years that followed I saw almost every one of her favorite acts live. She didn’t understand what I was listening to at all, and mostly still doesn’t, but over the years we have grown to enjoy a solid middle ground of things we both like. We still don’t like many of the same TV shows, and are hit or miss with books. She finks I’m freaky and she likes me a lot.
posted by bongo_x at 10:52 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

There was some book from the 60s where a man about town had different apartment decor based on which girl he was taking home that night

Not sure about the book, but there is a great movie based on that premise called The Rachel Papers. At least I think its great, it had nudity, that's what I remember from first seeing it as a young Holdkris99.
posted by holdkris99 at 10:52 AM on February 3, 2012

When she made me walk out of the theater with her 30 minutes in to The Fly, I thought things were starting to go south, but then when she made me walk out of the theater with her 30 minutes in to An American Werewolf in London, I knew we weren't going to make it, eventually.

Another one walked over to the CD player & turned it off without a word, 2 minutes after I put a CD in.

The 17-year-old girl who wanted a baby RIGHT NOW kinda ruined a fair amount of my senior year in high school when I realized she was really serious.

Also, the time I found the emails to the guy she'd been totally screwing for months, that ruined that one right away.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:52 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Married 14 years. Other than the usual minor shit it's been perfect. We both fold our t-shirts. Then, last night we watched Archer for the first time. I was giggling the whole way through. I mean, Ocelot!? When it was all finished she turned to me and said "I don't really get it."

It's over.
posted by bondcliff at 10:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [37 favorites]

$2000 cat from a breeder, on a credit card, which she then could not afford to have neutered.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:55 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

- when he told me that he thought rain was "dirty"
- when it turned out his sister got blackout drunk and came home shrieking over most holidays and we were required to spend holidays with his family and everyone refused to talk about this in any way whatsoever
- when he picked a fight with my dad for no reason
- when it turned out that he had no understanding of the history of slavery in the US because he'd gone to a hippie high school and didn't really care to learn about it
- when his mom cast aspersions on my character and he didn't defend me
- when he took a really mammoth shit in my toilet and didn't [couldn't] flush it and also didn't [couldn't?] tell me until I discovered it after he'd gone home
posted by jessamyn at 10:55 AM on February 3, 2012 [29 favorites]

When he went on a mini-tirade on how you should only use the world 'problematic' as a noun

Problematic as a noun? Is that where Mr. Rochester kept his wife?
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:56 AM on February 3, 2012 [86 favorites]

I knew it was the beginning of the end when we were discussing her moving in for the summer (she was a couple years behind me from the same college and was looking for internships in my city) and sorting out how this would work out and I asked her how she would deal if I wanted to go out with my friends to a bar (as she was still under 21 at the time). She flat out told me that she expected to go with me to any social event I had planned, and if it was at a bar it would have to be moved so she could join us.

It actually ended a few months later when she started cursing and screaming at me because I had done something bad to her in her dream the night before.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:57 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

My first boyfriend, age 14 (and I had wanted this--not necessarily THIS GUY, but a REAL BOYFRIEND of my very own, for SO damn long):

I knew it was over when he had a big green booger stuck in his nose at the school bus stop, and I had no idea how to tell him about it.

I'm rather ashamed now. He was a nice guy. He ended up going out with one of my friends the next year. They got married and have remained so, and I'm assuming that she had better ways of dealing with gross bodily functions.
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:58 AM on February 3, 2012

I know a couple who broke up after gay marriage became legal in a state adjacent to where they lived. One said, "I wonder when it will be legal in Pennsylvania and we can get married?" and the other said, "I will NEVER get married." They had been together fifteen years when that split them up.

I know this is terrible, but it still amuses me deeply that gay marriage has probably broken up more same-sex relationships than straight ones.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:58 AM on February 3, 2012 [12 favorites]

I am wary of "collectors"

Yeah, I realize it is a psychological issue that causes me to obsess over completing a collection. I spent 10 years trying to complete my set of pedigree books editions of Mishima. I spent years trying to buy every book put out by Black Ice Press. I just got into acquiring Lakeside Classics, and I am afraid to pick up the ones I got so far because I don't want to get started again.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:59 AM on February 3, 2012

Wait, "probably"?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 10:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

In this thread "birds of a feather flock together" is totally crushing "opposites attract" as a viable adage. Not that surprising, I guess--an awful lot of sociological studies show that our ideal mates are more or less versions of ourselves.
posted by yoink at 10:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I knew it was over with an ex-boyfriend when, just before going into a party with a bunch of his friends, he forbade me from talking to them without his permission.
posted by LN at 11:00 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Newt knew it was over as soon as she was no longer young enough, pretty enough and had cancer.
posted by charred husk at 11:01 AM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

Oh, then there was the time my friend and his girlfriend set me up with one of her friends. I walked into their apartment and they introduces us to each other and offered me a beer. As soon as I opened it the blind date said "Oh! Let me show you something." She then did this thing where she slapped the top of my beer bottle and it erupted all over my clothing and my face. This was literally 30 seconds after we met.
posted by bondcliff at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

As someone who was alone for many, many years and is otherwise a fairly decent fellow, I still find these sort of things depressing after more than a decade of marriage.
posted by maxwelton at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

My own dealbreaker is veganism. I have no problem with someone being vegan, but if you're a vegan, you can't eat any of the delicious things I cook! That's my ace in the hole, man! I close the deal with the home-cooking-date! It's all I got!
posted by cmoj at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2012 [33 favorites]

many?

Many. And I should be clear, this is just when I sort of knew in my heart it wasn't going to work but usually kept dating these guys for a while afterwards. I am not so good with the acting on git feelings thing.
posted by jessamyn at 11:03 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh, then there was the time my friend and his girlfriend set me up with one of her friends. I walked into their apartment and they introduces us to each other and offered me a beer. As soon as I opened it the blind date said "Oh! Let me show you something." She then did this thing where she slapped the top of my beer bottle and it erupted all over my clothing and my face. This was literally 30 seconds after we met.

This could so easily be a "and that's how I met your mother" story.
posted by yoink at 11:04 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Never has a deal been broken as fast as when I saw how she talked to waiters.

I walked out on a date when the dude earnestly explained to me that you have to show service personnel where their place is.

I was putting myself through college by waitressing at the time.
posted by MissySedai at 11:04 AM on February 3, 2012 [49 favorites]

She flat out told me that she expected to go with me to any social event I had planned, and if it was at a bar it would have to be moved so she could join us.

Wait, I'm gonna change this one.

1. I met her mom

1. At a dinner date with another couple, I ducked out quickly to talk to my friend in the kitchen for 5 minutes. When I returned she scolded me about leaving her alone with two people she didn't know well.

I'm a shy introvert. I need someone who can do the social stuff. If you can't handle small talk for 5 minutes, we're gonna be trouble.

It's not that her complaint was ridiculously unreasonable or that she didn't maybe have a reason to be angry. It was more of a clear sign of incompatibility rather than malfeasance.

There was some book from the 60s where a man about town had different apartment decor based on which girl he was taking home that night....blanking on the name.

For some reason this reminds me of Dudley Moore in Foul Play, but I know that's not it.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:04 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

git feelings

Deliberate joke or perfect typo?
posted by yoink at 11:05 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

-bondcliff-

Yeah, not thinking Archer is funny would be too much.
posted by bongo_x at 11:05 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, not thinking Archer is funny would be too much.

Not having a soul is, in fact, a dealbreaker, yes.
posted by griphus at 11:06 AM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

it's fun to watch these acted out. everyone i've known who has these dealbreakers is alone, and they all sincerely wonder why.

but what's more fun is when they get up there in age and we get to see the kinds of things they start overlooking in their desperation.

it's kinda like watching the republican party, actually.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 11:08 AM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

I also knew it was over when we went grocery shopping and, after being rung up by a very tired young lady, I remarked, "Wow, she must put in a lot of hours," and she said, "Well you know how it is with Mexicans. They sorta have a culture of laziness."

I know that filling out a socio-political questionnaire would likely damper a first date, but sometimes I wish there were ways to tell things like, "Hey, I'm actually a far-right Republican" or "Hi there, unrepentant racist over here", like a pheromone or something.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:08 AM on February 3, 2012 [17 favorites]

- We got into a fight over the lyrics to an Ozzy Osborne song; he was singing one particular line as "a bird on the wind", and I pointed out that no, it was "a bird on the wing." He said it couldn't possibly be that "because birds have TWO wings, not one".

This led to a 30-minute SCREAMING match.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:08 AM on February 3, 2012 [27 favorites]

I knew it was over when she got the impression that I was possessed by her father (who, by the way, is still alive) and held me in her basement until the cops came.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 11:08 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

Things were definitely not going to go anywhere regardless, but I knew it was over when he consistently picked the wrong they're/there/their when he was IMing me and had no idea why it was a big deal.
posted by Kimberly at 11:09 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

My wife doesn't like Archer, or Louie (!!) either, despite (get this) the fact that she thinks Louis C.K. is "hilarious." ?!?!?!

(EC, that is my favorite so far ...)
posted by mrgrimm at 11:09 AM on February 3, 2012

It actually ended a few months later when she started cursing and screaming at me because I had done something bad to her in her dream the night before.

So you admit it!

usually I have to leave the room or turn on the TV or something if someone in the room with me is eating.

Me too! Apparently it's called misophonia.

For our second date, we went to play board games with his dad. That was actually really fun, and his dad was great. But my date kept flirting with me, touching me (in places!), and making really bad, really dirty innuendo (it would be one thing if it was witty), all right in front on his dad. Creepy. And it made his turns take three times longer than everyone else.
posted by Garm at 11:09 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

As soon as I opened it the blind date said "Oh! Let me show you something." She then did this thing where she slapped the top of my beer bottle and it erupted all over my clothing and my face. This was literally 30 seconds after we met.

imo this is actually kind of funny
posted by nathancaswell at 11:11 AM on February 3, 2012 [25 favorites]

This site dredges up some old(ish) heartbreak for me. My last serious girlfriend used to tell me about her different ex's and why she dumped them. Every story was a little bit like one of these: He played video games too much, had bad hair, had bad breath, pee'd in the shower, wanted her to convert to his religion (these are not equivalent, I know.) When she dumped me she simple said "I'm not into it anymore." And that was that. It took me some time to get over the confusion of it all.

It hadn't occurred to me until reading this that I am now a story, but I don't know what my story is.

Probably involves my rather expansive mustard collection.

I love mustard.
posted by elwoodwiles at 11:11 AM on February 3, 2012 [101 favorites]

We got into a fight over the lyrics to an Ozzy Osborne song; he was singing one particular line as "a bird on the wind", and I pointed out that no, it was "a bird on the wing." He said it couldn't possibly be that "because birds have TWO wings, not one".

She thought that the bird in Stevie Nicks' "Edge of Seventeen" was a "one-winged dove."

I explained to her that the "white-winged dove sings a song, sounds like it's singing 'Ooh, baby ooh," whereas the "one-winged dove sings a song, sounds like it's singing 'AAAUUUGGHHHH! MY WING! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHH OUCH" while flapping pathetically in a circle.

We've been together for 12 years.
posted by infinitywaltz at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2012 [130 favorites]

About 6 months into the relationship, she took a particularly hothothot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said. So did I.

What was the act? I must know!
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2012

I know that filling out a socio-political questionnaire would likely damper a first date

Yet OKCupid continues to thrive!
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:13 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

My husband has a ridiculous collection of t-shirts (I'm not kidding, probably closer to 500 than 400, rough estimate...possibly more...) because he was one of those dudes who held out about getting an office drone job for as long as he possibly could and also disliked the notion men don't get to express themselves fashion-wise (except in alienating high-fashion ways he didn't care for), aaaand because he is a show fiend and almost always gets his shirts that way, so his standard daily uniform was always something like, say, a Moog or The Fall shirt, jeans, and brightly colored Chucks, right up into his 30s. He does indeed have a complicated gridded system if you pull open his drawers; the t-shirts are neatly folded in tight squares by category and he shuffles them slowly from bottom to top drawers so as to make sure he wears them all.

It didn't make me run though, and maybe on paper (online/in text whatever) it sounds too juvenile or something, but he gets endless compliments from people (friends and strangers, guys and girls, older and younger than us, etc.) about both the shirts and the shoes. I find it endearing he found such a cheap easy no-bullshit way to immediately express/identify himself.

I should've run when exes started going on about evo psych as if it were their religion, ugh. Or when porn drift/sexual ennui started happening in a major way, double ugh. Ah well, live and learn.
posted by ifjuly at 11:14 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Also: Having a well-stocked bookshelf is good, but having a well-used library card is better. If I weren't good and well off the dating market, I'd probably be adding that line to an okcupid profile right now.

I am extremely proud of my collection of library cards encompassing two states, eight cities, and 20 years of librarygoing. I just wish I still had my card from when I was a kid.

You know, I could deal with someone who didn't own a lot of books but still read. Or used a Kindle, whatever. But being put off by my book collection, which is really only a fraction of books I once owned? Instant disqualification.
posted by emjaybee at 11:14 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

About 6 months into the relationship, she took a particularly hothothot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said. So did I.

What was the act? I must know!

Bondage clownsuit cattle-prod induced prostate massage.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:15 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Yeah, not thinking Archer is funny would be too much.

To be fair, we had just finished watching Parks and Rec and 30 Rock, both of which she enjoys.

This could so easily be a "and that's how I met your mother" story.

Mommy was the police officer who came to tell me to keep the yelling down.
posted by bondcliff at 11:15 AM on February 3, 2012

1. He hated poetry AND Frank Sinatra
2. He bought a nonfunctional car with our tax refund
3. He reupholstered a chair with the pieces of a cut-up comforter glued to the original fabric
4. He told me that his mission in life was to be a warrior for justice in the coming apocalypse
5. He stopped in the middle of sex to get up and check the scores for a Yankees game
posted by winna at 11:16 AM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

One boyfriend asked me, "What is it, exactly, about Christmas and your birthday that you like?"

PRESENTS. Good lord. I stayed with him far too long.
posted by xingcat at 11:16 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

From a schoolteacher: "But the kids like Comic Sans. It looks fun."

From a creationist explaining fossils: "Before Noah's flood forced humanity to start over, ancient scientists created genetically engineered dinosaurs."

From myself: "It still doesn't change the fact that your grandma was a terrorist."
posted by compartment at 11:17 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

What was the act? I must know!

Intercourse.
posted by griphus at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

1. I've mentioned before that I should have known when he a) casually mentioned that he had ranked everyone in his high school yearbook as to whether or not they measured up to him -- except for the black people, obviously -- and b) he took Mein Kampf out of the library, I made a face and said, "Uhh, go for it, but hey! Why don't you check out Roots, which is [no joke] one of MY favorite books?" and he said, "Nah, I'm really not interested."

I REALLY knew it was over when he mentioned that he didn't care about abortion unless it involved babies of "good Aryan stock," in which case he was adamantly against it.

Okay, maybe it wasn't OVER over, but can you blame me for sticking around at least a little while to stare at the car wreck? Because while I knew that people like this existed, I was flabbergasted to find one suddenly occupying my life. And even more flabbergasted to find out that I fit his "standards."

2. J. and I were sitting in a room with his best male friend M. and his former girlfriend G., now engaged to M. Things were quiet for a minute, until M. said, "I know what you're thinking, J. 'I've fucked everybody in this room. Awwww yeeeeeah.'"
posted by Madamina at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

As much as I hate to admit it, somewhere in a parallel universe, on another community weblog, a woman named Beth is currently telling a story that includes the line "Among other things, on our first date he actually did the "pull my finger" gag."

I'm sorry, Beth, wherever you are. I was kind of an idiot when I was a teenager.
posted by bondcliff at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

I just wish I still had my card from when I was a kid.

I do. I signed it on the back with just my first name, plus an exclamation point.
posted by theodolite at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Zozo: "
When I was 24 I ended a five-year relationship because I re-read the Ask MetaFilter question I was about to submit and realized I already knew the answer."

More people should do this.
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

5. He stopped in the middle of sex to get up and check the scores for a Yankees game

[jalexei looks around sheepishly, glad and very, very lucky that his wife is a Yankees fanatic too]
posted by jalexei at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

"Victory for the forces of Democratic freedom!" Except louder than that. "VICTORY—"
posted by penduluum at 11:20 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

I never realized my devotion to public libraries and not owning books was scaring away so many potential suitors! If it kept away the ones that want to fill my house with tons of books they'll open once and never read again, I say YAY.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:20 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

5. He stopped in the middle of sex to get up and check the scores for a Yankees game

In fairness, that can't have been your first indication that he was a Yankees fan.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:20 AM on February 3, 2012 [51 favorites]

It actually ended a few months later when she started cursing and screaming at me because I had done something bad to her in her dream the night before.

If you're going to be in a relationship, you need to censor your dreams. Like the other night, I had a dream where my wife and I broke up and I was dating some other woman. I told her about that dream, but I didn't tell her that the new woman I was dating looked exactly like Kristen Bell.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:20 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Not sure about the book, but there is a great movie based on that premise called The Rachel Papers. At least I think its great, it had nudity, that's what I remember from first seeing it as a young Holdkris99.

It had a topless Ione Skye which made it legendary to young Smoothvirus.
posted by smoothvirus at 11:21 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I thought it might be over when my gf said that she didn't like scotch (SCOTCH!) or borboun (BOURBON!) but then I realized that that just leaves more delicious whisk(e)y for me.
posted by Aizkolari at 11:21 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

pee'd in the shower

Oh man. A friend of mine's long-term girlfriend had just moved in with him. We were watching a movie, and somehow the topic of peeing in the shower came up. Needless to say, being men, he and I are firmly on the side of shower-peeing.

His girlfriend--who I like a whole lot, and hope she sticks around--was so horrified about it that she didn't even want to discuss it. Of course we'd had a few beers, and I just wouldn't drop it.

That was at least 6 months ago, and she's still around (and taking a vacation with us next month, actually). She's a good sport.

I'm pretty sure he still pees in the shower.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:23 AM on February 3, 2012

It hadn't occurred to me until reading this that I am now a story, but I don't know what my story is.

I've only been dumped once (I honestly don't think I could handle more than once); I think it was when I copied her chemistry homework.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:24 AM on February 3, 2012

The first time I said, "I love you.", she responded, "Thanks."

(Happily married to her for 3.5 years now. But I *looooove* using that one against her)
posted by DigDoug at 11:24 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

-I had just turned 16, she was about to leave for college. We’d been dating for about a week when she said,”We should get engaged.”

-She was 17 and I was about to leave for college. We’d been dating about a month when she said, “We should get engaged.”

-She explained her fursona to me.

-Watching her as she shopped for produce. She’d pick something up, examine it and then thoughtlessly toss it back into the pile, several times causing fruit/veg avalanches that she would then ignore.
posted by the_artificer at 11:26 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

The only bummer there is when you go out to a nice dinner it's impossible to order a bottle of wine. But that's it.

huh. I apparently drink too much because I can absolutely crush a bottle of wine at dinner solo, no problems
posted by nathancaswell at 11:28 AM on February 3, 2012 [19 favorites]

Over dinner:

Me: "So, what makes you really angry?"

Her: "When somebody disses Britney [Spears]"
posted by Mooski at 11:29 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

I also broke up with a college boyfriend who I realized afterward was kind of emotionally abusive in general, but there were two instances that really made me sure that I needed to leave.

1) I showed him a paper that I wrote for a summer class, which was, in large part, based on an art exhibit we'd seen together during spring break. I'd gotten an A+ on that paper. He read it, questioned the spelling of one word, and said nothing else.

2) I met him for lunch on campus and commented cheerfully that it was nice that my class before lunch was so close to the cafeteria. He chastised me for being happy about this because HIS class was far away from it.
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:29 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

My story, college boyfriend:

We went away for what he told me was "a romantic weekend in the woods." Turned out it was a work weekend renovating his boyscout camp, sharing a room with his parents. He ditched me to go play lumberjack in the woods with his highschool friends while I scrubbed out a moldy cellar full of expired food with a bunch of people I never met. His parents felt bad for me and gave him money to take me out for a nice dinner, which he promptly invited his friends to and then, when we were there, asked me, "Hey, would you mind paying for your own meal? I don't think this will pay for what I want to order."
posted by kittenmarlowe at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2012 [55 favorites]

I *looooove* using that one against her

OK, as someone who's been on the other side of that equation, what is the preferred response for when a romantic partner says "I love you," and you don't?

Or are you required right then and there to give a full explanation of your feelings and detail exactly why you don't love him/her yet?
posted by mrgrimm at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

We had been dating for a few weeks and were making out on his couch. Things were getting pretty intense and suddenly he stopped, looked at me and asked, “Now what do we do? Do we have sex? Because we can…my bedroom is right there.” I was instantly turned off. I need a man with confidence and a take—charge attitude. About five minutes later I thanked him for making things awkward and then left.

I feel for buddy on this one. No, it wasn't terribly romantic, but he's just looking for a clear signal. Explicit consent, really, which is what he should be looking for, he just went about it in a very awkward way.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2012 [42 favorites]

Happily married to her for 3.5 years now. But I *looooove* using that one against her

My wife still brings up this conversation we had a year or so before we were married:

Me: "I might have to go away on the 19th. But that's your birthday."

Her: "No, my birthday is on the 16th."

Me: "oh, that's right, the 19th is [my ex girlfriend]'s birthday."
posted by bondcliff at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

I probably *could*, but it'd be inadvisable in that context--of wanting to enjoy the food enough. After 3 glasses my ability to have senses sharp enough for that would go downhill (I'm a lightweight possibly, at barely 5'2 and Asian and female...).
posted by ifjuly at 11:30 AM on February 3, 2012

So one time on a first date in a bar, the young woman I was with sees a (male) friend of hers and asks me if it is okay if she went over there to say hi. So, she goes over there to talk, and I'm sitting at the bar feeling dorky because the girl I was clearly on a date with just left to talk to some dude. And I'm trying not to keep looking over there because I don't want to look like a fool. And suddenly she just comes holding two drinking and I think damn, did this just go so bad she brought a friend in to make it less awkward? and no, it turns out the gentleman had found out she was on a date and bought the both of us some fresh drinks. Dating never worked out, but at least I got a good story from it.

So, hats off to you, random dude.
posted by griphus at 11:31 AM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

Yeah, no way, having a sober partner who doesn't care a whit that you drink is the greatest thing ever--you always have a DD who has no problem being so, doesn't resent it etc. The only bummer there is when you go out to a nice dinner it's impossible to order a bottle of wine. But that's it.

It's pretty awesome being the sober one, provided your SO is a happy drunk. All the fun of a drunken night out, none of the hangover and half the expense.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:31 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

He ditched me to go play lumberjack in the woods with his highschool friends

Is that a euphemism?
posted by mrgrimm at 11:31 AM on February 3, 2012 [23 favorites]

Well, he does get lucky with a giggly girl, so...
posted by ifjuly at 11:32 AM on February 3, 2012

...what is the preferred response for when a romantic partner says "I love you," and you don't?

You say "I don't blame you -- I'm pretty fucking spectacular!" And when the laughter dies down, hopefully they've forgotten.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:32 AM on February 3, 2012 [24 favorites]

I went to his tiny one-room apartment, and he had painted all the walls a super-dark slate color, and the only furniture he had was a bed, a couch, a bookcase and a coffee table.

Actually, it looked completely fabulous with the 12-foot-ceiling painted white and white fireplace, natural wood floor, and French windows leading to the balcony. I couldn't get over how awesome it looked, and was amazed that he ever decided on that color scheme because it seemed so counter-intuitive. We're still together a million years later, and it turns out he doesn't actually spend much time thinking about decorating issues... but I recently read a design tip that said darker wall colors (and very few pieces of furniture) are good for small spaces because the corners visually disappear and the small size is de-emphasized. What a smart guy he is!

Okay, that was cheating, I know. I actually did drop a guy on (not even "after") a first date when he took me home to his superexpensive giant McMansion thing in an exclusive community, and started going on and on about how he successful he was, and how he was serious about things, and ready to enter the next phase of his life plan and get married, but I would have change x, y, and z. (First. Freaking. Date.) And everything he had said and done leading up to that gorgeous bit conversation had already made me wonder if I had stumbled upon the most boring human in the entire universe. Imagine Data, except without the charm or humor. Or facial expressions, or snappy wardrobe.
posted by taz at 11:33 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

Not sure about the book, but there is a great movie based on that premise called The Rachel Papers.

I've never seen the movie, but I assume that it's based on the Martin Amis novel of the same name. I don't recall the protagonist having different apartments, but he did things like making a point of leaving pieces of media lying around that he thought would give him a better shot with whoever he was trying to seduce at any given moment.

I particularly remember one point where he leaves out a particular Beatles record because, to paraphrase: it's middle period Beatles. Early period Beatles would make me seem childish and needy, and late period Beatles are probably too weird for her tastes, but everyone likes middle period Beatles. (or something like that)

So...this does kind of match up with the suggestion upthread of renting out books in order to help people get laid.
posted by asnider at 11:33 AM on February 3, 2012

When she explained to me, in complete honesty and sincerity, that all she wanted was for me to anticipate her every need.
posted by SPrintF at 11:34 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

And suddenly she just comes holding two drinking...

By which of course I mean "...and suddenly she just comes back holding two drinks."
posted by griphus at 11:34 AM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

infinitywaltz: "She thought that the bird in Stevie Nicks' "Edge of Seventeen" was a "one-winged dove." "

Holy shit, I thought the same thing. Until now. TIL...
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:34 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Happily married to her for 3.5 years now. But I *looooove* using that one against her

Before my wedding, I some how got it into my head that it was bad luck to look at the bride during the ceremony, which meant that I spent the entire time looking straight ahead at the priest instead of looking lovingly across the aisle at my wife. This wouldn't have been a problem except that she was apparently looking lovingly at me, only to see the side of my head.

It's been over four years, but I don't think I will ever live this down.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:35 AM on February 3, 2012 [38 favorites]

A very promising first date, after we'd sort of circled and flirted for a number of months in our social circle.

We went to see New York New York (the only movie playing in this little town in the SoCal mountains.

She loved it. I thought otherwise. We sort of made out in my car for awhile but the gulf was too big to really cross.

That was that.
posted by Danf at 11:36 AM on February 3, 2012

Ugh, when a friend of mine died suddenly and she complained about driving me to the airport in the morning to go to his funeral, because she had a party to go to the night before.
posted by bjrubble at 11:37 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

is that a euphemism?

If only. That would have made the weekend marginally more interesting. They just tried (and mostly failed) to cut down a few trees.

Then again, later that weekend I tried to kiss him and in the middle he broke off and said, "Oh look, a squirrel!" So who knows?
posted by kittenmarlowe at 11:39 AM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Man I was feeling OK about being single before reading about these people. A dude who eats his own toenails gets a girlfriend and I'll be spending another Friday night alone. Le sigh.
posted by chaff at 11:39 AM on February 3, 2012 [26 favorites]

He ditched me to go play lumberjack in the woods with his highschool friends

....We're this far into the thread and no one has made a Monty Python joke from this yet?....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Re: books. I can understand some people not having a big book collection of their own, because they use the library. I'm like that myself.

But when I come 'round your house, I'd better see those library books, ideally from more than one library system*, piled up on your coffee table and by your bed and on top of any other available surface. Or else it's over.

“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” (attr. to John Waters).

*If you live somewhere like London, anyway.
posted by Infinite Jest at 11:42 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

"One of the things I love about The Big Lebowski is that it's essentially a hard-boiled detective story."

"What? That's ridiculous. You're just reading into it."

"..."
posted by brundlefly at 11:43 AM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

When he told me in a self-congratulatory way about the great one night stands he had, and then added, "but it doesn't happen that often because a woman has to be pretty loose to do it on he first date."
posted by yarly at 11:46 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

One of my university housemates had a (crazy) girlfriend who once answered the phone in the middle of sex to talk to the third point in their love triangle. When, years later, I asked him why he put up with her nonsense for so long (this is one story of many) he said "_______, that chick was a nympho."
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:46 AM on February 3, 2012

what is the preferred response for when a romantic partner says "I love you," and you don't?

When I was 19, I swore by the Han Solo-style "I know."

(One day, I'm going to find myself on one of these lists...)
posted by Catseye at 11:49 AM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

But when I come 'round your house, I'd better see those library books, ideally from more than one library system*, piled up on your coffee table and by your bed and on top of any other available surface. Or else it's over.

So it's unacceptable to only borrow one or two books at a time? What if the library is literally on the same street as your house?
posted by asnider at 11:50 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

OK, as someone who's been on the other side of that equation, what is the preferred response for when a romantic partner says "I love you," and you don't?

Or are you required right then and there to give a full explanation of your feelings and detail exactly why you don't love him/her yet?

No, you just say "I know" like Han Solo. Then when your partner doesn't get it or gets angy, you say "you know, from Star Wars!"

Hey, where are you going?
posted by Aquaman at 11:50 AM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

Also, screw you, Catseye.
posted by Aquaman at 11:50 AM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

You can't reference Rachel Papers and not talk about the part of the book that explicitly deal with this thread: his deal-breaker is when he picks up her panties and notices a little poopstain on it.

"after I had been kissing and sniffing at them for a while I turned them inside out. I saw: (i) three commas of pencil-thick pubic hair, and (ii) a stripe of suede-brown shit, as big as my finger."

Amis!!
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 11:53 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

So it's unacceptable to only borrow one or two books at a time? What if the library is literally on the same street as your house?

That would have to be negotiated on a case-by-case basis.
posted by Infinite Jest at 11:54 AM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Conversely I knew he was THE ONE when:

1. We had lots of overlap in the book area and none of them were best sellers.
2. He bought Chef Aid and knew all the songs on it.
3. He went to another borough to deal with his ex's car registration for her because she was with the UN in East Timor.
4. I took him to Tad's Steakhouse in Times Square and after the Fellini-esque experience that is Tad's in every city; he was still willing to go out with me.
5. He gave me a Hello Kitty luggage tag for my birthday.

Lots of other reasons, but he's cream in my coffee.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:54 AM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

He went to another borough to deal with his ex's car registration for her because she was with the UN in East Timor.

That's a new one.
posted by clearly at 11:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

"One of the things I love about The Big Lebowski is that it's essentially a hard-boiled detective story."

What? Where did you get that? The Big Lebowski is clearly the story of a young girl's coming of age during the opening days of World War 1.
posted by griphus at 11:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [27 favorites]

My oh-so-clever way to deal with the book issue - I keep a somewhat wide variety of books that I really enjoy on a few built-in shelves in the living room. If a girl's even a little into books, she'll make a comment on at least one of them. If this comment is positive, I then reveal the secret door to my bedroom, where my real collection lies.
posted by antonymous at 11:59 AM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Just had to google Fursona...

So, I feel bad airing this on the internet because she was a nice girl and it happened recently, but the whole "knew we had to break up right then" only happened once, usually my relationships end in much more boring "just don't like eachother/ in different places in life/ oh my god you are disrespectful of my feelings" type of ways. Anyways, without further ado...

(1) She gave me a chummy punch on the shoulder. Like "Eh, you rascal! ol' buddy ol' pal." *tap*

I don't know how or why this crystallized things for me, but it just seemed so awkward and nervously seeking approval. There wasn't enough chemistry in our relationship to explain her feelings and I was left with the feeling that she was just desperate to date someone. And she was too good a catch to be that desperate, and suddenly I realized she probably was still reeling from a recent break-up of a multi-year relationship. Anyways, that moment I realized the relationship was doomed, and the poison in the silence was palpable.
posted by sharkbot1957 at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

5. He stopped in the middle of sex to get up and check the scores for a Yankees game

[jalexei looks around sheepishly, glad and very, very lucky that his wife is a Yankees fanatic too]

I'd been on a date a couple of times with a guy but we'd yet to have sex. He came over one Sunday in the fall, which meant he interrupted football watching, which he wasn't particularly interested in but didn't mind watching the game while we talked. One thing let to another, and we celebrated the Bears defeating the Packers with our first time together, while the next game, which I was vaguely interested in (but not enough to remember it 7 years later) but not more than I was interested in sex, played on TV in the background.

He later admitted that, though he knew it was playing into stereotypes about sex and gender and sports, fucking a guy who earlier was yelling at the TV over bad calls and continued to be able to connect with him sexually AND know what the score of game playing wasn't the reason we hooked up that day but it wasn't NOT the reason.*

He made this admission, because reader, we've been together for 7 years.

(* I didn't know about that until much later, but when one of our second 'similar' dates had started (and ahem, concluded) with MMA in the background, I assured him, in post-coital cuddling, that 'having sweaty guys in the background while having sex' was not a prerequisite for me doing it or even as a warm-up.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:03 PM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

Halfway through a movie she got up to get popcorn. After she had been gone for some time I went to the lobby to see if she was OK and found her screaming at a pair of cops to arrest her.
posted by Blue Meanie at 12:03 PM on February 3, 2012 [24 favorites]

I'm pretty sure I have dated the same guy as taz. Or at least his Danish cousin.

Also:
1) The guy whose book collection consisted of shelves and shelves of self-help books.

2) The guy who presented me with a 24C gold heart on our second date .. the heart was engraved with the time & date of our first casual date at a pizza parlour three days earlier. (Later I learned that the photo he showed me of his baby sister was actually one of his daughter - he had lied because he did not want me to know about his having a child. Dude, I would probably have found out at some point.)
posted by kariebookish at 12:04 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't have any stories to contribute, but I'd like to say this: I would dump someone if I learned that they had dumped their previous ex for crying at Lord of the Rings.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:06 PM on February 3, 2012 [28 favorites]

I knew it was over when a year-and-a-half into one of my relationships, he told me he failed Spanish class (in college). He was telling me at a moment when he just wanted to share his feelings, he was sad, and I realized that it so turned me off, this utter lack of effort or motivation.

—Carol

Aftermath: Of course, I look back and realize how awful I am to men, so unforgiving, without empathy, and I wonder why men date me at all.
posted by Infinite Jest at 12:07 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I made a huge list once of why I knew my husband was THE ONE, but my favorite on that list will always be this:

I was complaining that my neighbors had had an old toilet on their lawn for an unspeakably long time, apparently stubborn in their refusal to believe that the garbage men were not going to take it away, and I said that at the very least they could plant flowers in it or something. Turned out that when my guy was living in an abandoned one-room schoolhouse that he'd fixed up (his "Thoreau years"), he'd had an old toilet in the garden with marigolds growing out of it.

(Mind you, this place didn't have indoor plumbing to begin with, so there wasn't much else for him to do with a toilet. The fact that he did this Thoreau stint was actually pretty appealing to me also--as was the fact that he'd done it, it was out of his system, and he in no way expected me to do it also.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:08 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

As long as the body can be kept above 90 degrees for 20-30 minute increments, does anything else matter?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:10 PM on February 3, 2012

I knew it was over when a year-and-a-half into one of my relationships, he told me he failed Spanish class (in college). He was telling me at a moment when he just wanted to share his feelings, he was sad, and I realized that it so turned me off, this utter lack of effort or motivation.

—Carol

Aftermath: Of course, I look back and realize how awful I am to men, so unforgiving, without empathy, and I wonder why men date me at all.

Of course it's a Carol. It's always a Carol.

_{Just kidding. No offense intended to real life people named Carol.}
posted by Aizkolari at 12:10 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm noticing sex tends to keep very incompatible people together. No surprises there, but I remember a time when there was a young, politically active, leftist feminist in my circle of friends who was dating a staunch conservative. Many of the leftists in our group would get on her case about this, at least to the extent of curiosity, asking, "But your politics inform the way you look at the world, society, other people in general. What could the two of you possibly have in common?" They were childhood friends, this girl and her boyfriend, so I thought it might be that. But when her next boyfriend was also a far-right conservative, I sort of put two and two together there and figured at least part of the attraction was angry sex. When she finally straight up blurted this out to a group of people needling her about her new boyfriend at a party, I felt somewhat relieved. I mean, good for her. Some people like their sex aggressive, and there are fewer more expedient ways to get that than to date someone whose politics stand for everything you oppose.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:11 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

I knew it was over when he had a big green booger stuck in his nose at the school bus stop, and I had no idea how to tell him about it.

Same thing kind of happened to me in middle school. Had a huge crush on this girl until I saw something sticking out of her nose one day. Oddly enough, she later moved to New York and became the subject of a MetaFilter FPP.
posted by Knappster at 12:11 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I agree. I used to just hang my T-shirts up (read: usually leave them in the basket fresh from the dryer and pull one out when I needed it) and now I live with someone who folds T-shirts. It is not a big deal either way. After a single incident where I looked in the closet and wondered where the hell all my shirts had gone and she pointed me at a dresser drawer, I adjusted.

I have four different places for my T-shirts:

1. The Special Shirts (rare ones, ones that I really treasure but are starting to fall apart, etc.) are hung up in the closet. This also goes for non t-shirts, like blouses and the like.

2. One small drawer is devoted to my Threadless t-shirts. I don't have that many, but they didn't fit in my work-safe drawer.

3. One drawer is devoted to work-safe t-shirts. I can go in there and blearly grab whatever and be assured that I'm not accidentally wearing that Watain "SATAN IS LORD" with the dripping upside down cross shirt into the office.

4. One drawer is devoted to non work-safe t-shirts, ones falling apart that I don't care about, etc. This includes my Travel t-shirts, e.g. ones I shed when they're dirty while travelling, so I bring back less than what I took with me on my trip.

And this is why I will always be single.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:12 PM on February 3, 2012 [12 favorites]

Some of the posts in the sex category sound like assault to me.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 12:13 PM on February 3, 2012

I knew it was over when he asked me to marry him during a moonlight swim by saying, "So, wanna?" He woke up the next morning with a crippling flu, out of nowhere, on vacation -- literally sickened at the thought of commitment.
posted by thinkpiece at 12:13 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

What about when you should have broken up with someone and didn't?

This guy:
- owned no books except for some fad diet plan
- on my very first visit to his apartment, asked me if I'd seen his checkbook and implied I'd taken it
- told me not to open his closet door under any circumstances
- played a Hootie & the Blowfish album during sex
posted by desjardins at 12:14 PM on February 3, 2012 [12 favorites]

"Oh, then there was the time my friend and his girlfriend set me up with one of her friends. I walked into their apartment and they introduces us to each other and offered me a beer. As soon as I opened it the blind date said "Oh! Let me show you something." She then did this thing where she slapped the top of my beer bottle and it erupted all over my clothing and my face. This was literally 30 seconds after we met."

This could so easily be a "and that's how I met your mother" story.

If this is Craig Thomas and/or Carter Bays, don't even think about it. I will stab you. I. Will. Stab. You.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh man I would have opened that closet ASAP.
posted by neuromodulator at 12:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

Many of these dealbreakers make me think "but that wouldn't bother me if I liked the person enough"...but perhaps that's because I tend to know people fairly well before we actually progress to dating.

Vis-a-vis books: None the less, I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't read much because a lot of what I talk and think about is stuff I'm reading, and it's not very general things along the lines of "I'm reading a book about abortion politics, let's talk about abortion politics" but rather "I'm reading some books about the abolitionist movement and a couple of novels, let's talk about history and fiction and ramble on about intersectional things and then complain about different publishers".

Surely all this dealbreaker stuff is an artifact of internet dating, though? By the time I know someone relatively well, it doesn't fuss me if they get lost or are picky about food because I set those things against the things I like about their characters.
posted by Frowner at 12:16 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

This thread has made me: a.) realize I've been very lucky in my ex-significant others, and b.) seriously reconsider how I store my shirts.
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:16 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

I knew it was over when the DJ had to restart the music for our first dance because he'd disappeared.*

*Ted Turner was filming Gettysburg at the time and a bunch of the extras were hanging out in the pub downstairs from the reception. We found him there, being raucously toasted on his wedding day by strangers in Blue and Gray.
posted by headnsouth at 12:17 PM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

- played a Hootie & the Blowfish album during sex

I asked for recommendations, and you didn't say anything!

But seriously, I would've opened the closet.... well... I mean... god, who says don't open my closet under any circumstances?

I knew it was over on a first date when she said "I'm a biter. Not in a sexy way." apropos of nothing. I hung around and when she finally bit me randomly, you could see each individual tooth mark the next day.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:17 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

When she stole my debit card, took out $80, & spent it on crack.
posted by broken wheelchair at 12:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Surely all this dealbreaker stuff is an artifact of internet dating, though?

Based on Seinfeld, I'd say no.
posted by grapesaresour at 12:19 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

I should have known it was over when he refused to eat risotto because it was insufficiently beige.
posted by cranberry_nut at 12:20 PM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

- played a Hootie & the Blowfish album during sex

Sweet Christing fuck, that's horrible.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 12:21 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

I have a bathroom that is probably cleaned less often than Ad hominem's, and I have no books other than various software development texts (and even those are dwindling as I'm only going to purchase ebooks going forward). Plus, the math should be in my favor, since I live in NYC, where there are supposed to be way more single women than men.

PS - I've also had all my shots, and I still have most of my teeth - come and get it ladies!

posted by Calloused_Foot at 12:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Best aftermath:

We had been dating 1 and 1/2 years when he told me one night that I was worth the equivalent of two Playstation 3s to him. And really meant it.

—Chelsea

Aftermath: His friend told me later that he meant to say four. I ended it two months later, wish I would’ve done it sooner.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

Let's just say the closet contained a botanical garden of the extralegal variety.
posted by desjardins at 12:25 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I was worth the equivalent of two Playstation 3s to him.

She didn't play the games she promised she would and leaked his credit card number to hackers?
posted by griphus at 12:28 PM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

I was broken up with because I didn't call her at 7 am to wish her a happy one month.

I did say to her, "with the time weve spent together, you know that I'm barely verbal until after shower and some breakfast. I also know you usually don't get up until 9. I was going to call you at 10 to ask if you wanted to have lunch today.". (it was a Monday and sexy times on work nights were a little problematic if I wanted to make it in the next day, as she was very enthusiastic.)

she called it quits. I called the florist and was able to cancel the flowers.

all I'm saying is that sometimes a little waiting can pay off.
posted by mephron at 12:31 PM on February 3, 2012

You can't reference Rachel Papers and not talk about the part of the book that explicitly deal with this thread: his deal-breaker is when he picks up her panties and notices a little poopstain on it.

It's been ages since I've read that book (or any Amis, to be honest). Thanks for reminding me!
posted by asnider at 12:34 PM on February 3, 2012

Best aftermath:

We had been dating 1 and 1/2 years when he told me one night that I was worth the equivalent of two Playstation 3s to him. And really meant it.

—Chelsea

Aftermath: His friend told me later that he meant to say four. I ended it two months later, wish I would’ve done it sooner.

My first year of college, my roommate (who is a Metafilter user, but I won't name), dated this girl. He also played a lot of East Side Hockey Manager. One day, she asked him: "Do you love Eastside Hockey Manager more than you love me?"

Now, my roommate was and is a fine fellow, but he has a lot of trouble with the kind of social niceties that a lot of people require in a relationship. He doesn't like to say things he doesn't mean, and he doesn't tolerate conversations very well if he doesn't see the point in having them.

So, of course, he didn't answer the question with a simple "no." Instead, he tells her all about how he doesn't feel like he can compare the love he feels for a computer game with the love he feels for a person. He finally concludes his somewhat rambling speech with the phrase "I love you in different ways."

Predictably, this did not end well for him, but they kept dating. The really fun part of the story comes later. My roommate and this girl have been dating for almost a year, but their relationship is clearly not in a good place and could have ended at any moment. One day, my roommate goes out to dinner with my girlfriend, me, and my girlfriend's mother. Roommate's girlfriend hears about this, decides he's cheating on her with my girlfriend and me, storms off to a party, and gets wasted. She announces to the peole that her boyfriend was cheating on her, which immediately scores her an offer of a date.

She takes the date to a show by the campus improv group; my roommate was also there, but not with her. They haven't broken up, but they're both at the show, not with each other, and she's on a date with this new guy. The show that includes a sketch my girlfriend had written that was pretty much an exact retelling of the Eastside Hockey Manager incident. As someone who wasn't directly involved in it (and hated the girlfriend) it was all pretty hilarious.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:37 PM on February 3, 2012 [23 favorites]

The first thing I thought of when I saw this post was, Taquito Moment! (which I know for sure I saw on here somewhere originally.) The taquito moment is one of my favorite dating concepts ever. I love it. I can't believe no one posted it a link to it yet.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 12:38 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Me: "oh, that's right, the 19th is [my ex girlfriend]'s birthday."

A few months after I met mr. desjardins, his mother called him and asked when my birthday was. He gave her the date of his ex's birthday. So, we're at his mom's house in February (my birthday's in November) and she hands me a gift. I am completely mystified - it's not Christmas, no one else is receiving gifts. I opened up the birthday card and he turned red; he didn't even remember that conversation.

For a couple years after that, I had two birthdays.
posted by desjardins at 12:39 PM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

Let's just say the closet contained a botanical garden of the extralegal variety.

Disregarding the other stuff -- and assuming he told you what was in there and told you to stay out -- that's actually not that much of a dick move. He may have just been giving you plausible deniability in case someone came crashing down his door one day. Otherwise, they'd be able to pick your prints off the stuff in there as well, and you couldn't just say "I don't know what's in there. He told me to stay out."

...this is of course assuming a lot of things that probably aren't true about the situation.
posted by griphus at 12:40 PM on February 3, 2012

Taquito Moment!... So here follows, in no particular order, several lifetimes' worth of irritations and perceived warning signs... A woman who drives a black Pontiac Grand Am with gold rims.

what is this i don't even
posted by nathancaswell at 12:43 PM on February 3, 2012

Metafilter: the horrid slorping and smekcking noises you make while your mastications are on full fucking display.
posted by herbplarfegan at 12:44 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Easter lunch at her family's house. Jar of pickled eggs on the table.
posted by docpops at 12:44 PM on February 3, 2012

I knew it was over when she got the impression that I was possessed by her father (who, by the way, is still alive) and held me in her basement until the cops came.

Who called the cops?
posted by yath at 12:45 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

For me the moment was thinking we were hiding the strife from the kids, until the day our 7 year refused to go to school until mommy kissed me.
posted by msalt at 12:46 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

First date: "and here are the scars from when my ex shot me....."
posted by Justin Case at 12:48 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Three different terrible guys:

1. We were discussing politics and he said, "What's the Supreme Court?"

2. I went to his house for the first time and he had moody black and white pictures of himself playing guitar all over his bedroom. Like, even on the ceiling.

3. He asked if there was a chance my boobs were still gonna grow when we were on our first date.
posted by pineappleheart at 12:48 PM on February 3, 2012 [46 favorites]

He borrowed my tools, which were better than his, and then didn't clean them. When I asked him to clean the grease and oil off of them because they were clean when I lent them to him he had a hissy fit and started tossing them around. They were Craftsman so I was half hoping he'd break some so that the replacements I'd get would at least have been clean.
posted by jessamyn at 12:50 PM on February 3, 2012 [39 favorites]

3. He asked if there was a chance my boobs were still gonna grow when we were on our first date.

See, this right here is why I no longer date anybody who's been transplanted into an adult's body by a magic fortune telling machine
posted by theodolite at 12:51 PM on February 3, 2012 [69 favorites]

His mother offered to pay him either forty or fifty dollars to vote for Bush in the 2004 election. Not only did he take her up on it, he tried to persuade me to do it, too.

"You don't have to actually do it. Just tell her you're going to do it. And if you feel bad about that, you can let me have the money."

Which was kind of a shame really, because like most Southern Conservative Moms, she made fabulous cocktails and until then we'd managed to get along fairly well.
posted by cmyk at 12:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Our second date, dinner at his apartment:

- he pointed out the vintage Risk game board signed by the Barenaked Ladies on his wall

- his zipper was down and when I pointed it out he very calmly shrugged and said "I like it open like that when I'm at home. It's freeing." He didn't zip it up for several minutes until I was all, "No, seriously."

Ok, so that was over four years ago and we're engaged and live together. The zipper thing? He was utterly mortified at the time and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, thinking "I'll make a joke!" but not realizing how deadpan and un-jokey he came across.

The Barenaked Ladies thing? Well, I don't pay attention to it as it's more fun to tease him over his love for Katy Perry. And yes, the Risk board is on our wall, across the doorway from one of my framed Radiohead posters. Thinks my Thom Yorke crush is much weirder than his Katy crush. Ugh!

So it goes.
posted by Windigo at 12:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [14 favorites]

what is the preferred response for when a romantic partner says "I love you," and you don't?

My tactic has always been to just respond with "I love.... America!" and get everyone around you to start chanting USA! USA! USA! and if she gets mad, have her sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Also, I knew it was over with my girlfriend of 6 years when I discovered her chat logs (on MY computer) between her and one of my close friends, discussing their feelings for one another, and ideas for their dream wedding. Turns out that not only had they been meeting up once or twice a week to fuck around with each other, my "friend" was using his hanging out with me as excuse to his girlfriend with whom he lived.

It used to make me mad that most of my friends still hang out with her, but now I just find it disappointing. Also, in a freak accident, the guy ended up dying early last year. Interesting times.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 12:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [23 favorites]

He said "But a rebel and a traitor are the same thing."

Not even worth driving him to Tyburn.
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:56 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

On our first date we ended up at her apartment. I noticed she had a picture cut from a magazine on her fridge of a woman in a bridal gown. Without thinking, I asked her what the story behind it was. She said it was the dress she was going to get married in and gave me a look that implied I was the other half of the equation. It was our first date.

Yet we went out a couple more times until I met someone else (my wife of 28+ years).
posted by tommasz at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2012

I think it would have been weirder if he did not point out the signed, wall-mounted vintage Risk board. That's like walking into someone's house and seeing a suit of armor in the corner and they're all "oh that old thing. I thought it'd be cool to have around but I hardly even notice it anymore."
posted by griphus at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also: Having a well-stocked bookshelf is good, but having a well-used library card is better.

I am extremely proud of my collection of library cards encompassing two states, eight cities, and 20 years of librarygoing. I just wish I still had my card from when I was a kid.

Heh. The idea of "bookshelf" singular was almost a dealbreaker for me in the dating days -- there is probably three hundred linear feet of bookshelves in this house -- and because I had lived all over Canada and travelled a lot, at one time I had active library cards for six different cities (the two furthest-flung being Vancouver and Halifax, 6,000 km apart).
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2012

The book thing is important for me too. But it reminds me of a story I once read:
A girl meets a guy, hooks up with him, is so impressed by his library and stays the night. Next day she realizes that he is an idiot and it is the apartment of one of his friends - he has not read on of the books...
posted by yoyo_nyc at 12:58 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I realised a relationship was over when I threw a carton of orange juice in the canal.

I was beginning to form the impression that my girlfriend of the time would always choose the more inconvenient of two options, anything that would give drama rather than simplicity. We'd been shopping - walking back from town a couple of miles with armfuls of groceries - and she said she'd like some fruit juice. We'd bought a resealable carton, and a big floppy unresealable sachet that once opened would be hell to carry without spilling. I knew in my bones which she would choose - and she did. A lifetime of complication after complication loomed before me; I snarled and threw the sachet over a wall into the canal. Things went downhill from that point.
posted by raygirvan at 1:00 PM on February 3, 2012 [30 favorites]

Oh, I remember another one. I had just started learning to play the guitar (this was... maybe four years ago, so firmly into Adult Age territory here). She was at my apartment and I was so excited about finally being able to play a song from beginning to end, I whipped out the guitar and played "Blackbird". Her response was that all of her guitar-playing friends had learned that back in their teens and it was nothing special.

That kind of hurt. Ironically, she ended up breaking up with me because I was insufficiently "passionate" about things.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:01 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

seeing someone brazenly litter would be a dealbreaker for me
posted by nathancaswell at 1:04 PM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

This is pretty unflattering to me, but:

I was seeing this guy. He was a really sweet person, and the sex was spectacular, but he was... not really a great conversationalist. (And still in the closet, which would have eventually been a dealbreaker on its own, but I digress.)

One day we were fooling around, and I realized I was trying not to come because if, uh, his mouth was still full, we wouldn't have to talk.

I still feel like kind of a bastard about that one.
posted by Zozo at 1:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think most of us talking about wanting to see books in someone's apartment are using it as a shorthand for "do they enjoy a hobby that means a lot to me?" and "do they have an imagination?" rather than "do they have money to purchase large amounts of recycled trees?" You don't even have to read the same books I do--although I find that there's a pretty big gap between the temperaments of fiction-readers and people who exclusively read non-fiction.

My bookshelf would probably scandalize a lot of self-proclaimed lovers of literature. There is, for example, a lot of Harry Potter level YA fare. But I only buy (collect) the books that are important to me somehow and that I want to treasure, or re-read. For better or for worse, things like Harry Potter have had a big impact on me growing up, and I want it around. Everything else I have on my e-book reader, to read once and move on from.

If someone judges me because of that without trying to figure out why I choose to stock my meagre shelf with those books in particular...well, their loss, really.
posted by Phire at 1:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

On the way to the restaurant, he told me with passionate zeal about this amazing philosopher he'd just discovered, how her writing was amazing and she really encapsulated all kinds of things he'd thought his whole life. Of course, that would be Ayn Rand. That was the moment at which I decided this was not going to be a "date" as much as a "lively exchange of ideas with the man who was buying me dinner," which could still be fun.

But then just as the waiter set down our entree, he launched into this whole rant about how the Emancipation Proclamation was the worst thing that ever happened to this country, a terrible violation of the Constitution and a grim overreach of Federal power, that it was the beginning of the road to perdition and ruin in Our Great Nation.

I looked at him in horror and said "But, um. . . you're black."

He looked confused and said "So?"

And, done. I offered to split the dinner bill with him, and he refused. Then he was boggled that I wouldn't sleep with him: "But you're a feminist! You can have sex if you want to!"

Two weeks later, I met the man who would become my husband, and I told him this story on our first date and he thought it was hilarious.
posted by KathrynT at 1:06 PM on February 3, 2012 [66 favorites]

Oh, KathrynT. That's one of the reasons I've always had Ayn Rand as an automatic veto throughout my dating exploits. One of the great bits about my current boyfriend is that he had a copy of the Fountainhead on his bookshelf, but warned me about it beforehand, since it was a gift from his boss and he figures he'll have to read it someday. So the veto was subverted, thank goodness.
posted by redsparkler at 1:10 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

So it's unacceptable to only borrow one or two books at a time? What if the library is literally on the same street as your house?

You have 24-hour libraries in your city‽ I'm envious. We used to have an all-night used bookstore, but that was only on weekends…

And this "not if s/he has no books" thing... I have a hard time getting over how much of a class shibboleth it is.

Maybe, but I'm wondering what class it's a shibboleth for. They can be trashy paperbacks or carefully-selected rare books, but (for me at least) the turnoff is someone who has the ability and opportunity to read but who chooses not to. Someone wants to close themselves off from so much is probably not someone I'd enjoy spending time with. Same if they just didn't see the point of music, or food, or the natural world, or etc. They may be fine people, but someone else can date them.
posted by hattifattener at 1:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

She was a big country music fan and claimed she'd have me wearing a Stetson and dancing the two-step in no time. She was wrong.

Also, I read lots of books but never have any on display in my house. Just sayin'.
posted by rocket88 at 1:16 PM on February 3, 2012

We were already in the midst of a low-level fight, and were driving on our way back home. She was behind the wheel. She headed off in a direction I knew was wrong, because there's no on-ramp to the highway from that side, just the other side, going the other way.

I mentioned this, in a helpful sort of way, and she started up about how I was totally wrong, that you totally could get onto the highway, she had done it thousands of times before.

Turned out that I was right, that there was no on-ramp. So we had to make this huge detour to get back to exactly where we had started out from.

During all of this, Not A Word. During the whole ride home, Not A Word. Just this huge space between us in the car, heavy with my I TOLD YOU SO and her SHUT UP. I knew we were done, but that was fine, because my being right about something so minor which she was so adamant about brought me much more pleasure than the relationship ever did.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I knew it was over when she said, "Being in love means suffering," and she sounded gleeful.
posted by meronym at 1:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

he had a copy of the Fountainhead on his bookshelf, but warned me about it beforehand

My mom gave me a bottle of Axe shampoo in my stocking this year... and I just imagined her standing there trying to figure out which one to buy and thinking, "well he wouldn't want any of that girly stuff, so that looks like something a young man would buy"... and at first I was going to throw it out once I got back home but then I opened it up and it didn't smell terrible like shitty cologne or anything, just pretty much like regular shampoo so I realized I would just be being a slave to the power of brand if I thew it away and isn't that worse in a way and I'm trying to be less wasteful... so I kept it in my shower and I kind of mix it in with my regular shampoo so nobody will like notice the smell and call me out on it, and every time I do I mentally work on the disclaimer I am going to give if a girl stays over and goes to take a shower in the morning. "Just so you know there's a bottle of Axe shampoo in there, and here's why..."
posted by nathancaswell at 1:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [22 favorites]

That reminds me of one of the best lines I read last year, from a short story by a guy named Tom Bissell: “Disappointment is a beautiful woman reading Ayn Rand.”

Aha! But it could just mean that she wants to read the book to see what the big deal is and is tired of hearing it brought up and not being able to contribute to the discussion.
posted by Windigo at 1:21 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I knew it was over when she (about 99 lbs.) tried to smother me (198 lbs.) with a pillow one night...I actually wanted to see how long she would, as I could easily toss her off me, and I even faked a twitch or 2 to scare her.

We're still friends!
posted by atomicmedia at 1:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

What do T-shirt-nonfolders do? Hang T-shirts on hangers? Because that's way weirder to me.

As others have said, I think the issue is that they were so meticulously folded. But, based on evidence in this thread, yes, some people do hang their t-shirts on a hanger. I think this is weird and also: IT STRETCHES OUT THE NECKHOLE! YOU ARE RUINING YOUR T-SHIRTS PEOPLE!
posted by asnider at 1:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

We had finished having sex for the first time. He jumped up out of bed and said, “I’m going to 7-11. You want me to get you some beef jerky?

A dream come true.
posted by Sassyfras at 1:24 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

Wow. You guys go out with some weird people. What's wrong with you?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:27 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

OK, my IKIWO story:

I dated a girl in university who had jealousy issues (for reasons that I never really understood). We had all kinds of problems that should have sent me packing, but what finally did it was the day that she got suuuuuuuper pissed at me while we were in a record store.

I literally could not figure out why she was so upset. Finally, I manage to figure out that she is angry that I looked at another woman. I assumed that she was angry that, while flipping through CDs, I had seen one with a scantily clad woman on the cover (yes; she was that jealous...she made me rip off the cover off another CD that I owned for similar reasons). I finally had enough and decided that we were done.

It turns out that, actually, she was angry that I had checked out another woman in the store. The funny thing is: I literally didn't even realize that there was another woman in the store and had no idea what she was talking about.

So...yeah...I was in that relationship waaaay longer than I should have been but it taught me a lot about what I don't want in a partner.

Also, she once demanded that I buy her a promise ring to apologize for some imagined slight.
posted by asnider at 1:28 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wow, I don't have a single funny story about breakups, they were all predictable, boring and sad.
posted by nanojath at 1:29 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Disregarding the other stuff -- and assuming he told you what was in there and told you to stay out --

How in the fuck can you "disregard" Hootie & the Blowfish for sexytime music??
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:29 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

The worst of the bad:

1) When I woke up in the middle of the night and had to send him home, because I just couldn't stand the way his hair smelled. There really is something to the science behind scent attraction!

2) When he drunkenly drawled at me, while pointing to a young woman at the other end of the bar: "You better watch out for her, cause she sure is a pretty laaaaddy". I took a long draught of my vodka tonic and left. Should have ended it there, but I was a wimp.

3)When I asked him to stop being a drug dealer (pretty please?) and he broke my bong (Ok , WTF?)

4) When he asked me 'Why are you into this feminism thing? Can't you just be, like, a normal person? Also, while I'm thinking about it, can you dress differently sometimes? I get embarrassed when we're in public." HURK
posted by zinful at 1:32 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

He borrowed my tools, which were better than his, and then didn't clean them. When I asked him to clean the grease and oil off of them because they were clean when I lent them to him he had a hissy fit and started tossing them around.

I keep scrolling down and down, thinking "surely, this has to be the worst thing in the thread," and I keep being mistaken. He's lucky you didn't brain him with a dirty wrench.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:33 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

That's like walking into someone's house and seeing a suit of armor in the corner and they're all "oh that old thing. I thought it'd be cool to have around but I hardly even notice it anymore."

I just remembered I have a 6' reproduction Viking war spear stashed away in the closet. (If you go into my closet and that thing falls over and clocks you I am going to pretend you've found Narnia.)
posted by cmyk at 1:33 PM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

uncleozzy: "pee'd in the shower

That was at least 6 months ago, and she's still around (and taking a vacation with us next month, actually). She's a good sport.

I'm pretty sure he still pees in the shower."

Well yeah, but have they had the sink-peeing discussion yet?
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 1:34 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I put the Johnny Mathis album on and she asked who Johnny Mathis is... Chances are... you're gone.
posted by AugustWest at 1:35 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

1) When I woke up in the middle of the night and had to send him home, because I just couldn't stand the way his hair smelled. There really is something to the science behind scent attraction!

Fuck, was this me??? MY MOM BOUGHT IT FOR ME I SWEAR I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE ECO FRIENDLY
posted by nathancaswell at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2012 [45 favorites]

the_artificer > -She explained her fursona to me.

So was it:
- a sparkledog
- a hybrid of three animals
- occasionally a hermaphroditic sex goddess

Because in my book only one of those is grounds for immediate dismissal.
posted by egypturnash at 1:39 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

I didn't mind that she didn't want to come outside and look at the stars on a beautiful, clear night. It would've been better if she had, sure, but, hey, we're adults and can be interested in different things, right? What I minded is that she minded that I wanted to do it.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:42 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I keep scrolling down and down, thinking "surely, this has to be the worst thing in the thread," and I keep being mistaken. He's lucky you didn't brain him with a dirty wrench.

That Hootie and the Blowfish thing blows all the rest into a cocked hat, frankly.
posted by unSane at 1:42 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Artificial plants in your home, and you do not live in a sterile office building. This is possibly worse than the no books thing.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:44 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

A woman who drives a black Pontiac Grand Am with gold rims

I would do this and I would rock it so hard. I'd have an eight-track player and a bunch of Creedence eight-tracks and giant shiny sunglasses and louvers on the back of the car. It would be MAGNIFICENT! winna and the Bandit!

I was told on several occasions that I was too independent to be a good girlfriend. I also do not remember birthdays, anniversaries or holidays. My ex-husband engraved our wedding date on my ring - when people asked when we'd gotten married I had to take it off to check. I can't stand to open mail, so it tends to stack up unless it's important stuff. The internet facilitates this by making it possible to pay the bill online. No scary letters! I also leave wet towels on furniture, fold socks the wrong way, and will make myself dinner and let my boyfriends fend for themselves. Perhaps these things wouldn't matter if I had a Grand Am. Alack!
posted by winna at 1:44 PM on February 3, 2012 [28 favorites]

...what is the preferred response for when a romantic partner says "I love you," and you don't?

"You don't love me. You just love my doggystyle."
posted by Navelgazer at 1:44 PM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

-When the coworker I was discreetly sleeping with invited the OTHER girl from work he was secretly sleeping with over, having decided that the right way to fill us both in on the details was to initiate a threesome. She and I left, and spent the rest of the night at the all-night-breakfast place laughing.

-When the rich guy who took me to a baseball game brought me back to his place for a drink, and his television was a wall-sized screen with like 900 channels of porn. I mean, awesome, but it was a first date. I still wonder if I made the right call on that one, I'll be honest.

-When the boy said "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm leaving for [university four hours away] this weekend." I had no idea he was applying for a transfer until that moment.

-When my car broke down on the highway in late-summer desert heat, and he bitched about coming out to pick me up, and then wouldn't give me time to get a drink and freshen up because we needed to walk a mile from his house to the stadium so we wouldn't miss a minute of the football game. And then yelled at me when I started crying a little. And then wouldn't drive me the hour back to my house at the end of the weekend, so I had to call my roommate to come do a round-trip to pick me up.

-when it started raining on the drive to Vegas and he yelled at me for not having very good windshield wiper blades--it was Arizona, the blades rot in the sun and it hardly ever rains, for crying out loud.

-When I told him a funny-stupid joke I'd recently heard and he looked at me deadpan and said "I don't really like jokes". I later found out he'd dated one of the funniest female comedians of that time, and I guess I understand why that didn't work out.

I basically know my husband's the right guy for me because all his ridiculous behaviors just seem kind of manageable, if not charming.
posted by padraigin at 1:46 PM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

*reads winna's profile*

How you doin'?
posted by zombieflanders at 1:48 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Books are a huge deal. I dated this one girl for a long time. When we first moved in together, we met at the apartment we were moving into (this was nyc - we both walked over there) and we were each carrying one item to start the move - our copies of the Riverside Shakespere. I should have married her. She always reminded me to floss, too.

I knew it was over with the girl before that one when she told me that she "didn't like learning."

Funny enough, my high school girlfriend would clip her fingernails and then put the clippings in a ziplock to save them for snacking. I stayed with her for four years. I don't know what I was thinking.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:49 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

Perhaps these things wouldn't matter if I had a Grand Am.

This is essentially what I tell myself about everything bad in my life, every day. And then I check my bank account and a single black and golden T-top tear with a bitching bird decal on it runs down my cheek and drops, hopelessly, to the floor.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:51 PM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

my high school girlfriend would clip her fingernails and then put the clippings in a ziplock to save them for snacking

OK, Hootie. Move over.
posted by unSane at 1:52 PM on February 3, 2012 [42 favorites]

nathancaswell:

If Axe smells like greasy boy-sweat and popcorn, then I suppose we both have a lot to apologize to each other for.
posted by zinful at 1:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I pulled onto the highway for the three-hour drive back home after another weekend of giving (but not getting) therapy and sex and thinking "I should be charging by the hour."
posted by restless_nomad at 1:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

put the clippings in a ziplock to save them for snacking

I want to go back in time and assassinate the person who invented "I just threw up in my mouth" then travel back to the present and unveil it to the world for the first time to describe this statement because that is the only way to adequately convey my disgust.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [47 favorites]

IT STRETCHES OUT THE NECKHOLE! YOU ARE RUINING YOUR T-SHIRTS PEOPLE

SOME OF US HAVE BIG NECKS!! jerk.
posted by LordSludge at 1:57 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

... when the girl I had just met and was being flirty with started choking me because I wanted to be let up so I could go outside for a smoke.

Also, is there perhaps some confusion between a Grand Am, and a Trans Am going on here?
posted by utsutsu at 1:58 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

IT STRETCHES OUT THE NECKHOLE! YOU ARE RUINING YOUR T-SHIRTS PEOPLE

Not that I hang T-shirts (shudder!) but wouldn't one bring the hanger up through the inside of the shirt so there's no stretching?
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:01 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I had a friend who dumped his boyfriend upon discovering his hidden Nazi army surplus/ collectible propaganda horde. He initially thought the WWII German March music on his ipod was a bizarre eccentricity, until he found that fateful box in his boyfriend's closet.
posted by Kale Slayer at 2:02 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is the car of which I dream. Observe its jaunty stylings! I would be the queen of the road! With that and a jade cigarette holder to hold candy cigarettes or possibly those fake electronic ones I'd be all set to be the jaded reporter lady in some cheap detective movie with be-mustached men wearing giant sunglasses.
posted by winna at 2:03 PM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

IT STRETCHES OUT THE NECKHOLE! YOU ARE RUINING YOUR T-SHIRTS PEOPLE

: No... wire... hangers. What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER? I work and work 'till I'm half-dead, and I hear people saying, "She's getting old." And what do I get? A daughter... who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her... as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me. I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dishrag. You do. Three hundred dollar dress on a wire hanger. We'll see how many you've got if they're hidden somewhere. We'll see... we'll see. Get out of that bed. All of this is coming out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. You've got any more? We're gonna see how many wire hangers you've got in your closet. Wire hangers, why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed. Get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care if your clothes are stretched out from wire hangers. And your room looks like some two-dollar-a-week furnished room in some two-bit back street town in Okalahoma. Get up. Get up. Clean up this mess.
posted by The Whelk at 2:04 PM on February 3, 2012 [22 favorites]

I'm willing to bet that quote was typed without looking it up!
posted by winna at 2:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

I'm more bothered by the pointy divots the hangars leave in the shoulders of the shirts, myself. Then again, when you fold them, the image can get creased -- I want some sort of giant roto-cascading thingy, (you know, like the ones they display watches in, where you push the button and they whirl around like an escalator? What are those things called?) big enough to put all my t-shirts in, flat. Better if it had some sort of interface, where I could, for instance, type in F4 for my Keith Haring shirt, or B6 for my Eric Clapton shirt, and it would rotate to the front.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Driving home after seeing Schindler's List in the theatre. I asked her what she thought and she had absolutely nothing to say about the story, acting, directing, cinematography. Nothing positive or negative or critical. Just "I dunno.". That pretty much ended it.
posted by MarvinTheCat at 2:06 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

This is the car of which I dream.

Ah, a real automobile. It's been so long since I've seen one.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 2:09 PM on February 3, 2012

These are amazingly awful. Feeling ok about my past relationshi endings.
posted by agregoli at 2:11 PM on February 3, 2012

this is kind of reminding me of that kids in the hall skit where mark mckinney is a super mama's boy who sings "there's a kangaroo on my balcony" with his mom in his bedroom while his first date just sits horrified.
posted by ifjuly at 2:11 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

relationshi endings

(snicker)

;)
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:11 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

I'm now astonished at how good I was at picking people to date.

And no books in their home? Did ya'll not talk about books and movies before that point?! Sheesh.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:12 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

We'd been dating since we'd met at work when I was 16 and he was 25. (I know.) I knew it was over (four years later) when I realized he was about to break up with me to try to date one of the students in a class he was teaching. At that moment I realized why he was breaking up with me...because I'd aged out of his preferred range. The potential new girlfriend was 15.
posted by jocelmeow at 2:12 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

RE: the lack of books being a deal killer. I can appreciate minimalist not wanting have any media around; however not having a least a few dozen comfort books available at a moments notice would be tough. IE: Brain candy books that I've pretty well got memorised.

A woman who drives a black Pontiac Grand Am with gold rims

I would do this and I would rock it so hard. I'd have an eight-track player and a bunch of Creedence eight-tracks and giant shiny sunglasses and louvers on the back of the car. It would be MAGNIFICENT! winna and the Bandit!

Sadly Bandit drove a Trans Am. Grand AMs are sport-luxury coupes/sedans. A Grand Am with gold rims would be pretty tacky.
posted by Mitheral at 2:13 PM on February 3, 2012

Feeling ok about my past relationshi endings.

You're the one who left his p in the shower, aren't you?
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [20 favorites]

I am wary of "collectors"

We prefer to be called "accounts receivable specialists." Also, don't think that we're calling 10 times a day because we can't get over you. We don't forget that time you asked to borrow a 20.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 2:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

"that the guy wasn't cultured. How could you live in New York for 10 years and not experience paella?"

IKIWO when she started talked about "experiencing" paella.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:17 PM on February 3, 2012 [33 favorites]

So, my college gf grew up in Connecticut, and she was going to college in western Mass while I was in NY, so we'd meet up in CT a lot. In the beginning, she'd generally drop me off at the train station at the end of our weekend or whatever, and I'd take Metro North back home and she'd drive back to South Hadley, but for her final semester she was using a visiting program to take her classes at Columbia and living with me.

At one point during that semester we took the train up to see her folks, everything was lovely, and her mom was giving us a lift to the station to get the train back down, and as I open the door I reflexively say "thanks, I love you."

To the mom. Who, to her credit, tried to salvage the situation with a bemused "well, I love you too..."

We kept it going for another few months, but I think that was the moment that we knew we were just going through the motions. Also, what a beautiful and uneventful train ride back that turned out to be. Jeeezus.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I didn't know it was over when he got fired for stealing from his job.
I didn't know it was over when he moved 2000 miles away.
I didn't know it was over when he told me that he was living with a woman who he had had a past relationship with.

I knew it was over when he said "I love you" after all of the above had happened.

I was 20, he was 40. Shudder.
posted by altopower at 2:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

A couple weeks back I was talking to a woman at a bar. I had a prior engagement so I was about to leave. She said "your leaving already? After I put all those drugs in your drink?". Come to think of it, she was interesting, wonder if I'll see her again.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:24 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

@altopower that sounds like a great start to a novel. :)
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:26 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I knew it was over when one of the traditional scratch off lottery tickets in my Christmas stocking was a $25,000 winner and in the seconds it took to notice it was a clever fake, two things happened simultaneously: I realized $25K was enough to move me and the kids out to get a new start and he started mocking me for being just the kind of idiot that would fall for a fake lottery ticket.

Zing! You got me there, dude.
posted by readery at 2:34 PM on February 3, 2012 [71 favorites]

I wonder how many of these were written by the staff in order to get the thing (the website) off the ground?

Sort of like the "Letters to Penthouse"
posted by mmrtnt at 2:36 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

If my dating life was anything to go by, I really don't think inventing any of these would be necessary.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:40 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

A person: He went to another borough to deal with his ex's car registration for her because she was with the UN in East Timor.

Someone else: That's a new one.

Me: I don't know, I like it. One of the reasons I knew my partner of 19 years was worth getting involved with was that he was still dealing with his ex while we were starting to get involved, and he treated her really well. For instance, she had sold her house to move in with him, and changes in housing prices meant that when they broke up she didn't have enough to get someplace new. He gave her the money for a down payment. I thought if he treated his ex that way he must be a very generous and decent guy, and he is.

A story for the thread: I should have known it was over with one girlfriend when she insisted we continue using barriers during sex despite both being very low risk for HIV and both having tested negative. This led to two things that should have led to instant break-up but, sadly, didn't: 1) She told me that we had to keep using barriers because a woman can never be absolutely sure she hasn't been raped--what if you got raped and were so traumatized by it that you blocked the memory? So we really were both, always, at very high risk for AIDS because you just never know. 2) In the middle of our 20th conversation about this issue, after we had in fact been having sex for some weeks, she suddently blurted out, "Oh! I guess I should have mentioned I have herpes!"

I knew it was over witih another woman I was dating when, on only our fourth or fifth date, we were driving in the rain and she noticed that my car's wiper blades really needed replacing. "We should get that taken care of," she said. And I understood that this was a woman who had no boundaries. I never went out with her again after that night--and told her clearly I wasn't going to--but weeks later when I got involved with someone else she got my housemate to let her in while I was in bed with my new girlfriend and threw a big fit because she had "caught me cheating on her."
posted by not that girl at 2:40 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

Not that I hang T-shirts (shudder!) but wouldn't one bring the hanger up through the inside of the shirt so there's no stretching?

It's the weight of the shirt that does it (or so I have convinced myself). Also...cheap hangers. The Whelk is onto something, even though I have no idea what he's referencing.
posted by asnider at 2:41 PM on February 3, 2012

I wonder how many of these were written by the staff in order to get the thing (the website) off the ground?

Judging by this thread, that hardly seems necessary.
posted by cmoj at 2:41 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Having read all of this I'm just amazed at how 1) picky some people are and 2) completely undiscerning others are.

Thank god there are women who actually think that it can be funny and charming to get flustered and blurt out stupid unsexy things.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 2:42 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Actually zinful Axe smells like clearasil and desperation.

nathancaswell, that's uncanny- my mother gave my husband some Axe shampoo in his stocking this year, no doubt after following a similar thought process to the one you outlined. We stashed it under the sink where it was destined to live for a while before getting thrown out or donated but I decided to not waste it and have started using it while he's away on a gig. Every shower this week has been like a small act of subversion.

About books: I am an avid reader but when I was dating in NYC I'm sure my lack of having a single book anywhere in sight gave a lot of people pause. When you move often and don't have money to spend on storage or movers they are the first thing to go.

Anyway: How I knew it wasn't going to work out early on with one person I dated for about two weeks:

1. We had a dinner date at his place, which meant he ordered to have vegan (not that there's anything wrong with veganism) pizza delivered from the gourmet pizza shop his third floor apartment looked directly down on because having to wait to cross the street in order to pick up our order "was a hassle".

2. He had no books (it's ok, I didn't either) but had a professional movie projector and almost regulation size movie screen. He did, however have a stack of magazines. They were Maxim magazines. He subscribed.

3. I came over one night when his good friend was there, and conversation was awkward because this good friend was in the middle of starring in some dating reality show and had signed all sorts of non-disclosure forms, but the guy I was dating had become his confidante. The entire night their conversation was filled with riddles, oblique references, and uncomfortable inside jokes.

4. There was hardly any furniture in his apartment except for a couch he had custom designed in Italy and a lamp bearing a lampshade decorated with colorful doodles, collaged images, and glitter. He told me every time he looked at the lamp it made him sad that he'd dumped his Fiancee and maybe he should try to get her back since she must have really loved him to spend so much time making him that special lampshade.

I could go on, but we didn't so I won't. oh god I hope he doesn't read metafilter
posted by stagewhisper at 2:43 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I love that lampshade! How could you?!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:47 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

Coincidentally, because of a short stint in the Navy, t-shirts are just about the only thing I can fold decently.
posted by mmrtnt at 2:51 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

This MeFi thread > the site it's ostensibly about.
posted by acb at 2:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [21 favorites]

One day, she asked him: "Do you love Eastside Hockey Manager more than you love me?"

I think the day I realized my wife was the right one for me was when I realized that she would never ever ask me any of those ridiculous questions. Or even questions that aren't actually questions but hypothetical fight bait. Fighting is overrated. I fought with most of my ex-girlfriends at one point or another ... about the stupidest stuff in the world.

When I found a smart, attractive, woman with strong convictions and long legs who didn't get jealous, didn't smother me with attention, (mostly) didn't judge my opinions and beliefs (again, she believes in *astrology*), made me laugh, and never fought with me, I was hooked pretty quickly. Plus, having completely opposite interests (she also doesn't like sports or games; i'm a former coach and avid rec player and poker/any kind of card game) gives me lots of new perspective and appreciation for why I like what I like (since I have to explain it so much.)

Anyway, all that bullshit about how a good relationship needs to occasionally fight is just bullshit. Not that anyone here said it ...
posted by mrgrimm at 2:59 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

asnider: "The Whelk is onto something, even though I have no idea what he's referencing."

Mommy Dearest.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:00 PM on February 3, 2012

When it felt like I had to ensure to project manage and schedule our fights to ensure they happened before we wanted to get anything done.
posted by mrzarquon at 3:01 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Physically, she was everything I wanted in woman. Yet her thick Russian accent and her choice of words were holding her back from being a perfect “10.” One evening, we cuddled on the bed and watched TV when I noticed her large hoop earnings. I told her how nice they looked and she immediately responded, “I will make you jump through hoops for me,” in that thick Russian accent. Those words, along with her strong accent, turned me off instantly. Her gorgeous looks couldn’t save her.

WHAT THIS WOMAN SOUNDS AWESOME

I too, hope to dream about this woman tonight. I WILL JUMP THROUGH YOUR HOOPES!
posted by mrgrimm at 3:01 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I hang up my t-shirts, but have always warned my g/f's in advance in case they noticed. I always make sure to point how the hanging is not color coordinated or anything, just some T-shirts hung up randomly and in no particular order, nothing obsessive about it, seriously...hey, where ya going, baby?
posted by bonefish at 3:14 PM on February 3, 2012

I'd been seeing someone exclusively for a month or so, and one day we were idly talking about our "ideal life" and he told me completely honestly that a perfect life for him would involve having sex with a different hot woman every night. Realizing he was dead serious was the end of it for me.

Does it count if it's the first date? Like the time I went out with a guy I liked and he said we were going out for Italian food and then drove to Olive Garden. Or how he then spent the entire dinner talking about how much he loved his mother and how much she would like me. Weird.

Then there was the guy with two kids who spent the first month we were together talking about how he wished he could see them more, and then when I casually asked him whether he'd ever pursued custody or more visitation he said, "No, kids are just such a pain in the ass when they're around all the time." What?

I could go on and on in this thread. Reading all of these both on the site and here (plus remembering my own) definitely makes me treasure my lovely husband even more.
posted by routergirl at 3:17 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I had been broken up with my boyfriend for a couple of months (I was 19 at the time, he was 23) when he called me to tell me he had been in a bike accident. I was like, "And why are you calling me exactly?" and he told me the doctors had found a brain tumor during the ER visit. This triggered some sort of empathy overload and we got back together. Oddly enough, he told me not to mention it to anyone, not even our very good mutual friends. Only after I caught him cheating on me did he admit the truth: he had lied about the brain tumor to get back in my life.
posted by cooker girl at 3:20 PM on February 3, 2012 [59 favorites]

Oddly enough, he told me not to mention it to anyone, not even our very good mutual friends. Only after I caught him cheating on me did he admit the truth: he had lied about the brain tumor to get back in my life

DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!
posted by Aizkolari at 3:23 PM on February 3, 2012 [21 favorites]

She takes the date to a show by the campus improv group; my roommate was also there, but not with her. They haven't broken up, but they're both at the show, not with each other, and she's on a date with this new guy. The show that includes a sketch my girlfriend had written that was pretty much an exact retelling of the Eastside Hockey Manager incident.

Oh come, on it was WAY subtler than that. In it a woman asks her boyfriend if he loves Diablo II more than he loves her and he goes off on this long thing about how he can't compare them and he loves them both in different ways. Eventually she says something like "I guess that makes sense, I just worry that you care about Diablo more than you care about me" at which point the guy says with relief "OH! I thought we were talking about Diablo II! Of course I love you more than Diablo!" See? Totally different -- this one had a black line other than "then they broke up and everyone was much better off".
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 3:24 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

"Irregardless" of his education ("Supposebly" from an Ivy League university) and the fact that we had been exchanging flirty looks from "Acrossed" the room all night, I tried my "Upmost" to overlook his mispronunciations but realized it was really a "Mute" point and and "Excaped" as soon as I could.

(yes, it was that bad)
posted by murrey at 3:26 PM on February 3, 2012 [33 favorites]

I knew it was over when they tell me they're leaving me...

Just once I'd like a post-relationship analysis...

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I think, therefore, I drink.
posted by PROD_TPSL at 3:31 PM on February 3, 2012

The best part, though, was when I met the man who would become my husband, I was still trying to shake the ex-boyfriend (he actually wanted to keep seeing both me and the other woman, and for me to forgive him for lying because he only did it because he loved me so much!). Anyway, I fell instantly for my now-husband and came home and called the ex and told him if he called me again or showed up at my apartment I'd call the police and get a restraining order.

I've been married to my husband for 17 years now and so far he's never lied to me about having a brain tumor.
posted by cooker girl at 3:32 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh! I forgot about the second date where the guy (not the Hootie & the Blowfish guy) told me about his stint in jail for beating up his younger brother over something completely trivial (I forget what). He was dead serious that his brother had deserved it.

Shocked, I told him I wasn't feeling well and asked him to take me home. I got an email later that night asking if he could see me the following weekend. I didn't respond, and a day later received another email asking why I hadn't replied, because he "loved" me. The saving grace was that he lived 2 hours away and couldn't just drop by.
posted by desjardins at 3:33 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Hmm, let's see:

- the guy who straight up told me I was a whore because I apparently enjoyed sex "too much"
- the girl who casually mentioned one evening that her supposedly estranged, recently paroled husband was coming over shortly and expecting a welcome home threesome
- the guy who gave me a condescending lecture about my incredible ignorance of the genuine efficacy of homeopathic "medicine" when I canceled a date due to the flu

Also there was this one superhot friend of a friend I was really into, and as I was planning my masterful seduction, the dude stole my best friend's great-uncle's holocaust reparations check to buy heroin. Bullet: dodged.
posted by elizardbits at 3:34 PM on February 3, 2012 [32 favorites]

he had lied about the brain tumor to get back in my life

Wow, you are the second person I've known to have this experience. Unless you went to college in Montana.
posted by desjardins at 3:35 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Wow, you are the second person I've known to have this experience. Unless you went to college in Montana.

I did not, and knowing that I am not the only damned fool on the planet makes me feel better about my younger-self's gullibility.
posted by cooker girl at 3:37 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: smells like clearasil and desperation.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 3:38 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

I had been broken up with my boyfriend for a couple of months (I was 19 at the time, he was 23) when he called me to tell me he had been in a bike accident. I was like, "And why are you calling me exactly?" and he told me the doctors had found a brain tumor during the ER visit.

I wonder if he was lying about the bike accident too. Probably right? When you said "and?" he was like FUCK NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH THINK THINK THINK BRAIN TUMOR.
posted by nathancaswell at 3:45 PM on February 3, 2012 [33 favorites]

> - the guy who straight up told me I was a whore because I apparently enjoyed sex "too much"

Wait, what, really?
posted by mrzarquon at 3:45 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

> He said it couldn't possibly be that "because birds have TWO wings, not one".

Also, it's "cool breeze" not "cool beans"

I mean, what is attactive about refrigerated lentils?
posted by mmrtnt at 3:51 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

She changed her online dating profile two hours before the date to include the requirement that her dates "must be good at cunnilingus." Now, that's not a bad thing to want, but to me it is a bad thing to put on a profile.
posted by Bookhouse at 3:52 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I wonder if he was lying about the bike accident too.

No, that part was actually true. He was with a friend and had corroboration. And also lots of road rash and whatnot.
posted by cooker girl at 3:55 PM on February 3, 2012

Metafilter: Lots of road rash and whatnot.
posted by tommasz at 3:58 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

the dude stole my best friend's great-uncle's holocaust reparations check to buy heroin.

You win.
posted by KathrynT at 4:01 PM on February 3, 2012 [21 favorites]

When my BF of about a year introduced me to his friends as "Lisa."

My name is Amy.
posted by tristeza at 4:09 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

After trying to keep the conversation going, asking well-received and enthusiastically-answered questions about his work, friends, family, etc, I became weary of his self-absorption but cheerfully but pointedly said, "well, I guess I know everything there is to know about YOU now," and he responded, smiling "yeah, so now there's only awkward silence now?"

So self-absorbed that he didn't get the point.
posted by Pax at 4:12 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

When he drove around for a long time to find a pizza place his buddy recommended. It looked sketchy and I wanted to go to the $2.50 a slice place, but he insisted. At the 99c pizza place, and was flabbergasted that I would even consider having two slices (he was having two) and made me feel like crap. Then he took me for a "romantic" walk and started telling me his promiscuous past and sordid affairs...and turned to me and said, "So, have you been really promiscuous too?" It was the first date and he made me feel like I was a glutton and a whore, all in two hours.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 4:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

I've had the opposite experience: "His (the cat's) vet bills were $4000."

And done.

You take it on, you look after it. How this might be anything other than a positive indicator for a relationship I don't know. Little Fatty is purring his agreement right now.
posted by biffa at 4:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [36 favorites]

Wait, what, really?

Yeah, he was all "if you're going to act like a whore I'm going to treat you like one" and I was all "hm, ok, was not expecting this but interesting kink potential, do go on," but then he clarified with "because you're always willing to do freaky stuff in bed" as thought this was a mark against me or something. So I was like "I am sad to discover that you think wake up blowjobs are freaky wild whorish filth because seriously, that is some 100% mundane vanilla shit right there, I tell you what" and things went steadily downhill from that moment forward as his libido battled with his inherent judgmental jackass nature.
posted by elizardbits at 4:16 PM on February 3, 2012 [33 favorites]

Metafilter: Lots of road rash and whatnot.'

Reminds me of my first time.
posted by sharkbot1957 at 4:19 PM on February 3, 2012

At the 99c pizza place,

Was this in New York? the 99c pizza place on 9th is seriously good. Anyone who takes people to an awesome pizza place and is then flabbergasted when you eat is an idiot.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:21 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

This one is on behalf of the short-lived girlfriend who I never met of a friend* of mine.

For whatever reason people tend to say this friend's first and last name when they refer to him or address him. Let's call him Jake Evans. He's can be a pretty awkward guy, so after he and this girl had their first sexytime he didn't really know what to say, so he announced proudly to her, "You just had sex with Jake Evans!" And that was the end of that.

*Really. I'd admit it if I'd done this. And I plan to.
posted by cmoj at 4:36 PM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

It's taking all my willpower not to post "You just had sex with Jake Evans!" to the MeFi Mag needs a tagline thread.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:39 PM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

Achievement Unlocked
have sex with Jake Evans
posted by nathancaswell at 4:43 PM on February 3, 2012 [16 favorites]

Now if you said Chris Evans I would be on board.
posted by The Whelk at 4:44 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

When he (a guy who was also divorced) asked me, without knowing anything (like, nothing - duration, reason, etc ) about my own marriage and divorce, why I "gave up so easily" on my marriage.
posted by Pax at 4:46 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

What was the act? I must know!

Well, I call it "The Aristocrats!"
posted by stenseng at 4:48 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

I call it "The Aristocrats!" Starring Jake Evans!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:49 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

I left him on the couch while I took a long, hot, post-jogging shower. When I emerged, he was sitting in the exact same spot. “What did you do while I was in the shower?” “Sat.” He hadn’t surfed the Internet, read a book, taken a nap. He’d sat staring into space for 20 minutes.

—Autumn

Some of these stories give me the sense that they were posted without the poster considering the role their own personality played in what happened. Here's someone who thought it was shocking that someone took twenty minutes to sit and think without consuming media or losing consciousness.
posted by TheKM at 4:50 PM on February 3, 2012 [63 favorites]

Actually, quite a few of the posters at the linked site sounded like total tools to me.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:52 PM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

You take it on, you look after it. How this might be anything other than a positive indicator for a relationship I don't know. Little Fatty is purring his agreement right now.

Okay, so this really might make me a bad person. I've grown to accept that I probably am a bad person. I've grown up with animals all my life: dogs, cats, horses, a rabbit. FWIW, I don't have any animals right now as I am single and couldn't properly take care of an animal being gone 10 hours a day minimum. Even if I could take care of puppy or kitty, I have to draw a line somewhere on how much money I'm willing to shell out for medical bills. What that line is? I'm not sure.

That being said, this girl I was dating informed me on the second date that she needed money for rent because she had blown her savings and topped off her credit card paying $4000 for kitty chemotherapy for her 12 year old cat. She begged me to cover the rent she was short. I gave her the money because I didn't want her to be homeless, but we were done at that point.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 4:52 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

I'm more impressed with the 20 minute shower. Does water grow on trees where she lives?

/born and raised in California
posted by small_ruminant at 4:53 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

We were meshing so wonderfully, our mutual enjoyment of sitting in a busy place with someone else but not actually talking unless we had something to say, enjoying our equally weird to one another's choice of coffee place non-coffee beverage and he ate the bits of the salad I didn't like and I ate the bits of the salad he didn't like and we'd gotten the super comfy buttery leather couch and sunk into the corners of it and our ankles were touching and it was perfectly, perfectly comfortable. And then, he leaned further over my shoulder and solved the top row of the sudoku for me.

That bastard.
posted by Mizu at 4:56 PM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

As with the T-shirts, I think it's important to note that these moments can signal simple incompatibility as easily as moral judgment.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 4:56 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Water does, in fact, grow on trees. Well, they collect it and release it back into the atmosphere. If you don't capture it quickly and shower in it for at least 20 minutes a day, it's lost forever into space.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:58 PM on February 3, 2012 [18 favorites]

I knew it wouldn't work when I met her. She was teaching after work business English classes at the same electronics company as I was. Her students frequently asked me about her English, if it was, well, correct or not. She was insistent about being a native English speaker, yet, her English was a horrid mishmash of all kinds of standard ESL problems. Subject verb agreement issues, inability to figure out countable and uncountable, words that weren't even close to being actual words. When I called her on it, she claimed that she was from New York, and that's how everyone in New York talks.

Then there was the pregnancy scare thing, asking me how 'we' were going to deal with it, even though 'we' hadn't even had sex.

Gah, that was a bad time.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm more impressed with the 20 minute shower. Does water grow on trees where she lives?

Heh, here in Vancouver the hour-long shower is not unheard of...
posted by mek at 5:05 PM on February 3, 2012

You people are really picky. Be thankful that anybody agreed to ahve sex with you in the first place and work out the rest later.
posted by jonmc at 5:06 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm just intrigued by this idea that one can figure out they want to break up with someone they haven't even been married to for several years yet. Clearly, I am a bit slow on the uptake.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:07 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I've been happily married for over 26 years. In another 10 years, I figure we'll probably have enough data to figure out if this thing has got any legs.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:10 PM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

When I called her on it, she claimed that she was from New York, and that's how everyone in New York talks.

I am unreasonably delighted by this tragic attempt at a cunning stratagem.
posted by elizardbits at 5:12 PM on February 3, 2012 [12 favorites]

When I should have broken up with her: picked her up on our second date, and as we're driving away from her house, she looks sadly at me and says, "Why don't you ever tell me I'm pretty?" Second date. Like fifteen seconds into it. I should have just turned around and dropped her back off, but, y'know, callow youth and all that.

When I did break up with her: I bought a video game I was very excited to play and was about to call her to cancel our evening, because opening this game was going to be way better than seeing her. I thought about that for a second, put the game down, and called her to break up instead (in person).

My favorite break-up story that doesn't involve me: One evening in college, my friend J and his roommate got drunk and meticulously covered every inch of wall in their dorm room with tin foil. The next night, they bought a blacklight, got drunk again, and started writing all over the foil with yellow highlighter. Regular lights on, plain tinfoil. Blacklight on, crazy-ass ramblings and weird, disconcerting sigils, like Arkham Asylum shit (either Batman or Lovecraft, they were mixing pretty freely).

So J calls me over, super proud of himself. He flips on his blacklight, and from ceiling to just above his bed, covering one wall, is a huge string of meaningless binary, "1001110101001110101011010101" etc.. Then, at the end, "CONCLUSION: IT DOES NOT FEEL / THEREFORE: MURDER IS JUSTIFIED". I said, you're a weird dude, J, but hey, surprise murder robot, I think that's hilarious, nicely done.

About a week later, I'm talking to him because he seems down, and he says, yeah, my girlfriend just broke up with me and I don't really know what to do about it. Apparently, they were in the room fooling around, and he turned on the blacklight for sexy romance, and she was, uh, highly unamused by ceiling-high murder robot logic appearing out of nowhere right above her head. So she breaks up with him immediately and storms out. I'm like, J, buddy, you can't go around writing secret messages like "MURDER IS JUSTIFIED" on your wall and expect your super-Catholic hippie girlfriend not to have a problem with that. I mean, I think it's awesome, but I listen to Front Line Assembly and not Enya, y'know? He kind of brightens up and says, yeah, I guess that makes sense, fair enough.

A day or two later, J finds the woman in question, apologizes, and tells her he fixed it, just come see. They go back to the room, he flips the switch, and now it reads "100010101010101 CONCLUSION: IT DOES NOT FEEL / THEREFORE: MURDER IS ^NOT JUSTIFIED". And he's standing there grinning, like, there, see? All better, let's do it.

I probably don't have to tell you that it wasn't all better or that they did not do it.
posted by Errant at 5:14 PM on February 3, 2012 [95 favorites]

I knew it was over when he said that his dream girl was Miley Cyrus.
posted by argonauta at 5:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

I knew it was over when he said that his dream girl was Miley Cyrus.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHhhhhh!!! Oh, man. *whew* Sorry. Carry on.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:16 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I've heard the "I'm from New York" from people who have been to Japan. Apparently it's what you say if you want to appear cool and hip to young Japanese. Especially of you are really from somewhere in Africa and want to maintain that you're a young, black, hip-hop entrepreneur.
posted by P.o.B. at 5:17 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

small_ruminant: "I'm more impressed with the 20 minute shower"

Doesn't really seem that long to me but we've got more water than we can deal with around here in Western PA. Not much sunshine but lots of water.
posted by octothorpe at 5:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Or, the earlier one, where, like the brain surgery mentioned above, in three years, and two back surgeries (including a bonus surgery/weeklong hospital stay for MRSA! And the subsquent daily visits to the hospital for the IV our college wouldn't let me do on my own), she never came to the hospital to see me. Not once, even though the hospital was closer to where she lived than my house. That, just maybe, should have been a warning sign.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:20 PM on February 3, 2012

When I called her on it, she claimed that she was from New York, and that's how everyone in New York talks.

I can vouch for this. He have our own language that is neigh on impenetrable to ousiders. Fulls of colorful idioms such as "not for nuthin", "I need that like I need a hole in the head", "He thinks who he is", "notice that ... " and my favorite "I'll break your/his/her face".

When we speak to outsiders we usually use standard english, but she was giving you a rare glimpse inside. It was akin to a russian mobster explaining his tatoos.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:20 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wow. There's so many.

- He kept asking if my best friend was *really* a virgin. And then about her turn ons.
- He asked me to drive two hours in a snow storm on New Years Eve because he really, really wanted to see me and take me out. When I got there, he admitted that he hadn't made plans, was sick and didn't want to go out, wanted me to take care of him. I tucked him in at 7pm and watched a "Soap" marathon all night.

Once I married one, though, I was slower on the uptake:
- He bought a car without me seeing it. We only had one car we were sharing.
- A few years later, he put our house on the market and bought a new one while I was away on a business trip. The real estate guy was waiting with paperwork for me when the cab dropped me off from the airport.

Thank god I knew my now-husband for a decade before we got married. I knew exactly what I was getting into.
posted by Gucky at 5:21 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

He have our own language that is neigh on impenetrable to ousiders.

Having been to New York, having good friends from New York, and, well, being an English teacher, I'd love for that to be true, but good lord, the woman just didn't know English. Yet somehow she managed to get a job teaching it to employees of Sharp for roughly $60 an hour, and claimed to be a native speaker. I've managed to block the weird pidgin she spoke out of my head, or I'd give examples.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:26 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

super-Catholic hippie girlfriend

I can't imagine this being a very wide demographic; unless "hippie" means something other than what I think it does.
posted by acb at 5:27 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

I can't imagine this being a very wide demographic; unless "hippie" means something other than what I think it does.

You'd be surprised.
posted by jonmc at 5:28 PM on February 3, 2012 [9 favorites]

he had lied about the brain tumor to get back in my life

Wow, you are the second person I've known to have this experience. Unless you went to college in Montana.

Third. Not Montana.
posted by Gucky at 5:29 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I've got a really bad headache. Would one of you please come make me a sandwich? One for my wife, too.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:31 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

When he said, apropos of absolutely nothing: "I think child sexual abuse must happen only in very poor households. Middle class people know that simply isn't done."
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:34 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

I can't imagine this being a very wide demographic; unless "hippie" means something other than what I think it does.

It doesn't. She was a member of what she described as a very liberal Catholic church. They held mass on the beach, because the whole world was God's house, and to go barefoot in the sand was to emulate Christ amongst the sinners, or something. She was pretty interesting to talk to. I have a feeling that her church was as Catholic as I am, but whatever, she can call herself whatever she wants.
posted by Errant at 5:39 PM on February 3, 2012

When I handed her my eight month old nephew and she looked as if she'd been handed a cow's stomach full of eels.
posted by chronkite at 5:43 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Hungry?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:44 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Essential backstory: I present as Anglo and my hair is ringlet-curly and thick. When I was coming up in the South, this was an unusual combo.

The moment: I was at a kegger and I met a cute guy who knew that Mrs. Dalloway was a novel and not another frat's house-mother. Next morning, we were watching football on his super-slicky sectional, me lying on my side with my head in his lap. He tried to run his fingers through my hair, realized this was a no-go, then started stroking the surface. After a few moments, he said, "Man, your hair feels weird. Like... mashed potatoes."
posted by dogrose at 5:46 PM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

The more I read of this thread, the more I come to think I am totally a catch.
posted by biffa at 5:46 PM on February 3, 2012 [31 favorites]

I once dated a girl who described herself as a "Catholic witch," which I found a tad confusing.
posted by brundlefly at 5:46 PM on February 3, 2012

I was beginning to form the impression that my girlfriend of the time would always choose the more inconvenient of two options, anything that would give drama rather than simplicity. We'd been shopping - walking back from town a couple of miles with armfuls of groceries - and she said she'd like some fruit juice. We'd bought a resealable carton, and a big floppy unresealable sachet that once opened would be hell to carry without spilling. I knew in my bones which she would choose - and she did. A lifetime of complication after complication loomed before me; I snarled and threw the sachet over a wall into the canal. Things went downhill from that point.

This is the missing episode of Seinfeld!
posted by gjc at 5:48 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

People seem to be taking these complaints at face value. Haven't you ever complained about things that you knew, as you were complaining, weren't really worth getting worked up about, because you couldn't articulate what was really wrong, but you knew *something* was wrong?

(I had an ex who was habitually late. At first it was charming! Then it was infuriating.)
posted by madcaptenor at 5:52 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

Now, see, I have to believe that I would be on the receiving end on a few of these stories, would they ever come to light. I get intense at the start of a relationship (less so than I used to, but whatever. I get excited and life is for living.) I also tend to be a part of a wide and incestuous group of friends so ending things gently and maintaining friendships has always been pretty paramount. But I've got a few more horror stories.

1. Girl I'd been seeing for about two months. It was the cold winter months and the whole thing was almost entirely about sex, which was unfamiliar enough for me. One night, at her place, during the act she says something which I swear to God sounds like "I love you," but with juuuuuust enough plausible deniability where I could pretend I didn't hear it. It weighs on me the next few days, and the next time I've over there, to test out whatever the dynamic was, I sort of grunt out something which, in an "I buried Paul" kind of way could be construed as sounding like, "I love you." She stops immediately, and in a way both pissed off and embarrassed for the both of us, slams back with, "do NOT say that for the first time while we are fucking!" It ended shortly after that, and I even got to see something I am 90% sure was a comment from her about the breakup on Overheard the next week.

2. Girlfriend I was with when I went off to law school. I was in DC, she was in NY, and I would thus take the bus up to NY almost every weekend. She came to DC 3 times. Once to move me in, and then two weekends when I had shows with my theater group, when she mostly complained the whole time. She didn't come down for the third one that year because "she didn't really like the first two." WHich, yes, pissed me off but I chose Georgetown over Fordham so it was my call and I should deal with it and we were going to get married and, and, and... After wrecking my 1L year GPA by trying to live in 2 places at once and refusing advances from women who I know in retrospect to have been far worthier of my time and attention, at the end of the school year we go off to the inner Hebrides with her family, to their remote cottage for two weeks. During the middle of this vacation she takes me out for a romantic walk to break up with me, leaving me with a week around no one but her and her family in the middle of nowhere, unable to discuss what had happened because we didn't want to make things weird for everyone else. That was fun.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:57 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I frankly don't know whether to feel better or worse after reading this entire thread.

Early out, blind date. He brought a gift of a drawing he'd done of me (without ever even seeing a photo) because he "saw me in his heart and mind". Ummmm, no. The drawing was not without talent, however.

Middle out, living with boyfriend. He was (probably still is actually) an inch or so shorter than I am. He went to put his arm over my shoulders while we were walking and said OUT LOUD, the world is backwards. Took almost two years for the fact that it bothered him that I was physically taller to come out like that.

Late out, ex-husband. It was the day of my father's 80th birthday party, a very big event and big deal to me personally and needed car to travel to. My ex and I shared one car at the time, and he gets a hair to take the car and go shopping. All day. Enough said.
posted by vers at 6:02 PM on February 3, 2012

I can vouch for the Hippie-Catholic aesthetic being a real thing. Although from what I've seen, it's not an actual workable thing because at some point the fundamentalism will kick in. Being all about "free love" and at the same time not using birth control because it "kills the babbies" turns out to be counterproductive. Who knew?
posted by P.o.B. at 6:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

...turns out to be counterproductive.

Reproductive, I imagine.
posted by logicpunk at 6:07 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

Depends on your point of view.
posted by P.o.B. at 6:09 PM on February 3, 2012

These are going up so fast - it's hard to keep track of this thread, but the stories are so compelling, I feel like I must try! The mix of pathos, humour, and sharing is addictive.

Here's one out of so many I can't even count:

She was gorgeous, intelligent, fun...and she smoked pot in front of her kids. While driving. And reading.

Yes. All at the same time. I found out when she had to cancel a date because she had been in an accident. The car was wrecked. The kids were okay. She thought it was hilarious. I was horrified. I never rescheduled the date, or ever really spoke to her again.
posted by batmonkey at 6:09 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I knew it was over when she said "I am divorcing you and want you to move out."
posted by tumid dahlia at 6:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Oh, and I should mention the old roommate who got ahead of the pitch on these issues (to an extent) by covering the entirety of his walls with mint-condition comic book action figures, in their original packaging. His rationale was, "if she bolts, more power to her but we weren't going to get along anyway. If she smiles, things might work out." Hard for me to find fault with that. Put your quirks out there early.

But then, there will always be people like the woman who went on a date whose problem was that he was a champion Magic: The Gathering player and made her rant go viral. But some people will always be assholes, I guess.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:16 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm pretty sure It Was Over for a few girls when I finally got them back to my room in college and played The Birthday Party's SONNY'S BURNING at ear blasting volume before, y'know, we got round to anything else.

Of course, it was a test. Those few who made it through were pretty awesome.
posted by unSane at 6:21 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

Oh, yeah, and there was the much older girl/woman who told me the first time we were in bed together that she'd had eleven abortions. The party was pooped right there.
posted by unSane at 6:22 PM on February 3, 2012

"Wait, you love your dog more than me?"
posted by Horatius at 6:23 PM on February 3, 2012

My dad was single for about 25 years between the time he divorced my mom and the time he remarried and he went through girlfriends like toilet paper. I was kept entertained by the Seinfeldian reasons for the break ups but one moment stands out for me.

For two years he had been living together with this stunningly beautiful woman who was a professional nightclub singer. She owned an equally stunning home in Laural Canyon and she treated my brother and I as honored guests when we occasionally spent the night. I'm pretty sure my dad let her pick up all the bills including the mortgage and the cleaning lady's salary, plus she did all the cooking. Then one day he is done with her. Why? Well she had decided to make a career change and had just been accepted into medical school (did I mention she was very bright?) and he decided that she would be too busy and preoccupied with school to pay attention to him.

As for me...

When I was 18 my first college boyfriend was a returning student-- maybe 25. One day after we had sex and were lying in bed together he turns to me and announces, "I'm going to be busy this weekend. I'm getting married." I start weeping-- stunned to discover that he even had another woman in his life. That's when he tried to reassure me by saying, "Don't worry," gesturing to the bed, "We can still do this." I will draw a veil over the rest of that scenario.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:25 PM on February 3, 2012 [21 favorites]

-Left a water bottle full of piss in my bedroom.
-Arrived at my house for our first date high on acid.
posted by superior julie at 6:29 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

I knew it was over when he said that it was impossible for a husband to rape his wife -- the marriage is always consent, no matter how much the wife objects. I never thought he would do that kind of thing, but it creeped me out so much that I never felt comfortable with him again. It was so strange, because he was very liberal in tons of other ways, but he was insistent on this point and just...ugh.
posted by Arethusa at 6:31 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

-Left a water bottle full of piss in my bedroom.
-Arrived at my house for our first date high on acid.

Not in that order, I hope.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:33 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

I was young and naive; I should have known it was over after the following exchange:

Her: I'm a psych major
Me: That's cool, I'm double majoring in psych and comp sci
Her: Do you think that we could really work, though? Two psych majors trying to out-manipulate each other?
Me: What about, you know, honesty and trust?
Her: You're cute!
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 6:47 PM on February 3, 2012 [11 favorites]

I should have know, and left, at this moment...

On the second night of our honeymoon, instead of fucking (we were virgins), he wanted to watch the Cardinals game. He did so while drinking one of our bottles of champagne.

I left him 7 years later.
posted by persephone's rant at 7:05 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Picked me up for a date and every visible article of clothing he wore had at least one Disney character. That leather bomber jacket that was so gorgeous from the front? Goofy on the back.
I passed on the underoos reveal.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:13 PM on February 3, 2012 [25 favorites]

Never pass up the opportunity to claim that you're fucking Goofy!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

From another angle, this thread does make me feel a lot better about my own neuroticisms.
posted by Phire at 7:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

cooker girl: I had been broken up with my boyfriend for a couple of months (I was 19 at the time, he was 23) when he called me to tell me he had been in a bike accident. I was like, "And why are you calling me exactly?" and he told me the doctors had found a brain tumor during the ER visit. This triggered some sort of empathy overload and we got back together. Oddly enough, he told me not to mention it to anyone, not even our very good mutual friends. Only after I caught him cheating on me did he admit the truth: he had lied about the brain tumor to get back in my life.

Gucky: he had lied about the brain tumor to get back in my life Wow, you are the second person I've known to have this experience. Unless you went to college in Montana. Third. Not Montana.

Fourth (it was a friend of mine, not me.) Indiana.
posted by kittenmarlowe at 7:40 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

We go to a restaurant and she asks the waitress "What do you like?". Waitress makes a suggestion, she orders it. When the food comes she takes one bite and decides she doesn't like it. She calls the waitress over and sends it back, and then asks the waitress "What else do you like?"
posted by jewzilla at 7:47 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

The guy I dated had plenty of books at his house, but I knew it was over (before it started) when he started going on about how much he loved "Soldier of Fortune" magazine, then brought out a fairly large machine gun. He didn't do anything with it, just sat and talked about it lovingly while I was quietly trying not to freak out.
posted by weathergal at 7:50 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

kittenmarlowe, mine was in Indiana....
posted by cooker girl at 7:59 PM on February 3, 2012

cooker girl: kittenmarlowe, mine was in Indiana....

Huh. Did you go to IWU?
posted by kittenmarlowe at 8:02 PM on February 3, 2012

From way the hell up the thread, MrMoonpie says it all ...

6. When I realized how much nicer it was to be spending time with someone else.
posted by philip-random at 8:15 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I was a bridesmaid, the bride's friend; he a cute groomsman, the groom's cousin--all the groom's attendants were relatives. We flirted through most of the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception. Then the two moments of "NOOOOOO" clarity:

1. The groomsmen decided the perfect post-reception activity was joining their aunts and female cousins in a hotel room to get blitzkrieg drunk on tequila and play sexually explicit Never Have I Ever;
2. I escaped the game for a bathroom break and returned to find him cuddling my fellow bridesmaid--a very drunk, cute, married friend--as he explained to her why it would be an excellent idea to join him in the bathroom for sex.

Not exactly a relationship yet, but I did stick my head between theirs and say "Yeah, I'm cockblocking you now." And dragged drunk bridesmaid friend home after another twenty minutes.

Later I heard secondhand that the epic family party got them thrown out of the hotel and included a groomsman and aunt making out with each other in the hall. I don't ever want to know if A)that was my cute groomsman or B)he was making out with his blood aunt.
posted by nicebookrack at 8:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

First date with a girl I had gone to 8 years of grade school with -- now, we're 23 or so. She's dressed like Della Street crossed with Mata Hari. She said something, I told her I didn't understand what she meant.

She did one ultra-slow jazz hand in front of her face and said "....Many masksssss."

Check!
posted by msalt at 8:23 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

We need a Metafilter Personals site. Hopefully it would last longer than the Gawker Dating thing. (Oh no, is reading Gawker a dealbreaker? I haven't been there in ~~years~~ quite a long time, I swear!)
posted by book 'em dano at 8:26 PM on February 3, 2012

She knew it was over when, five minutes after meeting her, I set her hair on fire while attempting to light her cigarette.
posted by Right On Red at 8:29 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

I guess one nice thing about being unable to snag a date is not discovering yourself in any of these stories.
posted by maxwelton at 8:37 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

It must be hard growing up in the generations who honestly have to fear that their every mistake and quirk is potential joke-fodder for the entire world. So glad to have missed out on that.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:41 PM on February 3, 2012 [13 favorites]

We need a Metafilter Personals site.

This is what meetups are for.

(I'm somewhere between entirely joking and not joking at all.)
posted by madcaptenor at 8:42 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

It must be hard growing up in the generations who honestly have to fear that their every mistake and quirk is potential joke-fodder for the entire world. So glad to have missed out on that.

The entire world is a new phenomenon, but entire towns is not. And before the Internet, if you lived in a small town, your town was effectively the whole world.

I live five hours away from my home town, and I still occasionally run into people who recognize me by my odd name and say, incredulously, "you're winna? I've heard so many stories about you!"

I hasten to assure the reader that all of the stories are, naturally, scurrilous lies.
posted by winna at 8:50 PM on February 3, 2012 [10 favorites]

A female friend who was very religious would give a list to dates of things she expected from a relationship and wanted from a husband.

a typed list

on the first date
posted by nicebookrack at 8:55 PM on February 3, 2012 [6 favorites]

Not me. Everything people say about me is true. Yes - even that.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:56 PM on February 3, 2012

First date at a bar, I mention lamb kibbe, she says she wants to make some for me. We go to a nearby gourmet supermarket. Great start to the night! When we get there, she takes out this huge reusable grocery bag and starts throwing in all kinds of expensive meats and cheeses and even makeup. I think, "Wait, am I buying all this? Am I being hustled?" It gradually dawned on me that I wasn't. Her next words were, "Okay, you go out first, and keep the car door open and have the engine running." She stole like 200 dollars worth of stuff.
posted by painquale at 9:11 PM on February 3, 2012 [30 favorites]

He had never heard of Werner Herzog. I had no idea this would matter so much to me but somehow, all the weirdness just crystallized at that exact moment when I was saying, "German accent? Director? Took a steamboat over the Andes? Grizzly Man? Crazy monk going down the Amazon? Aguirre?" and getting nothing back but irritation.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:18 PM on February 3, 2012 [8 favorites]

She stole like 200 dollars worth of stuff.

You see, that would have pretty much sealed the deal for me right there.
posted by unSane at 9:20 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's Raining Florence Henderson waters my plants each Friday, for free, but he's been saying that he'd like to help out everyone he could. He also pet-sits for the fun of it.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:20 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

True.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:21 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

She's an attractive singer / guitarist, who I've known for a few months. We're laying in bed and she's complaining that it's hard to get guys together to seriously start a band, because it always turns out they don't care about starting a band so much as sleeping with her.

I'm totally sympathizing, it actually sounds like it'd be shitty. And she pauses for a bit, then lets out a long sigh. "Oh well," she says, in earnest, "ugly people probably have problems, too."
posted by churl at 9:31 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

It's Raining Florence Henderson murdered my father, so this shit isn't funny.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:31 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yay! Hello, future aquittal!
posted by Navelgazer at 9:36 PM on February 3, 2012

i'll throw some of mine in:

- first 5 minutes of him moving in, after his boxes were stacked in the living room and we were sweaty and amped up on YEAH WE MOVED IN TOGETHER I LOVE YOUUU endorphins, he flopped on the couch, turned on the tv, and ordered a porno.

- another guy would drive the 40 minutes to my apartment, bring his xbox and laptop with him, and spend the entire weekend playing video games with his friends and downloading porn. when i asked him why he didn't download porn at his own house, he was like, "your internet is faster." to be fair, i always have superfast internet.

- sort of long distance relationship (a few hours away), i fly to visit him one weekend. he leaves me stranded in his house while he goes out with his friends every night. his mom felt so sorry for me that she tried to coax me into going out to the bar with her.
posted by kerning at 9:50 PM on February 3, 2012 [7 favorites]

It's funny though - the moment you realize there's an issue and assign a reason isn't usually really the reason. I mean, I didn't break up with the guy above just because he'd never heard of Werner Herzog. There were a host of other reasons (cough spoke with his ex wife around 20 times a day cough and there's more cough ) that I was managing to overlook up until that one shining crystal clear moment when I suddenly realized that I couldn't spend the rest of my life, or, actually, the rest of the weekend with this guy. It's as if you can ride along with a lot, barring any huge smoking guns (the guy who decided that meeting my kids for the first time meant he got to discipline my kids right there oh how I wish I was joking) but little things slowly add up and then, boom, this one little thing kicks in and suddenly you're like the Werner Herzog number one fangirl of the universe, unable to exist without a 24/7 Aguirre fix and he. just. won't. fit. in.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:50 PM on February 3, 2012 [28 favorites]

the moment you realize there's an issue and assign a reason isn't usually really the reason.

I endorse this message.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:54 PM on February 3, 2012 [4 favorites]

I missed a great opportunity to end things and dodge unnecessary future heartbreak when she mentioned she'd dated one of her teachers in high school, and that she didn't see why it was such a big deal, the age difference wasn't that big!
posted by feloniousmonk at 9:55 PM on February 3, 2012

I do too, but I think ideally the point of this site (and of this thread) is for noting those moments of crystalization, when those thoughts which had been vague and building reach a conclusion, whether you act upon it immediately or not.

Also, the site is for telling the internet about mortifying experiences of dates who embarrassed themselves, apparently. I like that aspect less.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:56 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

One specific person has been present for every breakup I have endured.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:02 PM on February 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I knew it was over before it had even begun when he boasted that a journalist at my TV station had called his drug lab "the most dangerous ever seen by local police." I watched a tape the next day of the news item he referred to and laughed at a reference to the Darwin Awards.
posted by Kerasia at 10:17 PM on February 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I knew there wasn't going to be a second date when I found him listed on the sex offender registry in my state. He has a fairly common name, but I knew it was him because he used the same picture on the registry that he used on the dating site where I first met him.

*facepalm*
posted by SisterHavana at 10:32 PM on February 3, 2012 [37 favorites]

The same picture as the sex offender registry? Wow. I wonder if TinEye would catch something like that.
posted by feloniousmonk at 10:46 PM on February 3, 2012

4. He told me that his mission in life was to be a warrior for justice in the coming apocalypse

OMG we dated the same guy!

So we were dramatic 17 year olds at the time, but I should have dumped him when he sent me a copy of the Satanic Bible with passages underlined (and none of them were passages I would have underlined). Sadly, waited until I found out he was dating a fourteen year old the entire time he was going out with me.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:19 PM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

When Harry Left Sally: when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life without somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
posted by Bonzai at 11:22 PM on February 3, 2012 [24 favorites]

It's Raining Florence Henderson murdered my father, so this shit isn't funny.

But I did it by dropping an Acme 15-ton weight on him. So it was a little bit funny.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:37 PM on February 3, 2012 [15 favorites]

So I was like "I am sad to discover that you think wake up blowjobs are freaky wild whorish filth because seriously, that is some 100% mundane vanilla shit right there, I tell you what" and things went steadily downhill from that moment forward as his libido battled with his inherent judgmental jackass nature.

If I were lucky enough to meet someone who quoted Hank Hill to me, I'd never let them go.
posted by buzzkillington at 12:46 AM on February 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

For the first time ever, I've thought of making a sock puppet. But I shan't. Mostly because I can't come up with a clever username for it. I shall tell my tale of only one young lady from my past.

She told me she had been looking into Ron Paul, and she really liked his ideas.

This is the same woman who, some time later, went on record as saying "Sarah Palin touched me. I'll never wash that hand again."
posted by knile at 12:58 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

[reads through posted site]
[reads entire thread]

- after our first night/first date together, no sex but a hothothot make-out session, she looked at me lovingly and sang the chorus from Oasis' "Wonderwall"
posted by Minus215Cee at 1:17 AM on February 4, 2012 [9 favorites]

The moment I knew was during our first shower together. He spent several minutes lecturing me on how I was doing it all wrong: it was conditioner first, then shampoo. My breaking point was when he refused all of my attempts at reasoning and then avoidance and finally insisted that even the directions on the bottle were wrong.
posted by hot little pancake at 1:32 AM on February 4, 2012 [10 favorites]

I moved in after a year of dating and when I got all my stuff to the house, discovered that instead of making any room for any of my things in the master bedroom/master closet, that I would have to keep all my clothes and personal belongings in the back/guest bedroom. Didn't move a sweater. Didn't clean out a drawer. Didn't throw out extra wire hangers. Not. One. Thing.

I had to get dressed in the back bedroom for years until a small remodel precipitated actual space for me in the bedroom...and I realized what a metaphor was. Aftermath: I stayed far-too-long in a relationship with a narcissist.
posted by buzzkillington at 1:40 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

-Shoulda ended it when: two years in and after talking about marriage for a few months, he confessed that when his best friend said "Y'know, if you marry her, your kids won't look like you" (I'm not white; he and his friend were) he replied, "Yeah, they'll be adorable little monkeys!" Instead of telling Friend that Friend was full of shit. Finally ended it when: two weeks later, he confessed that for the previous several months of our relationship he'd been having involuntary thoughts of hurting and killing me.

Actually I didn't really end it for another two weeks, after processing the fucked-upness of it and figuring out what words would hurt his feelings as little as possible. Love sure can make us do screwy things like staying with somebody who an objective person would run screaming from. Well, the figuring-out-gentle-words part was probably a "Holy God I want to die a natural death decades from now" reaction as much as an "I still love him" reaction.

-Fellow PhD student wanted me to cry out, in the throes of sex, the title to which he aspired: Herr Doktor Professor. (Try to say "Oooooh...Herr Doktor Professor! Nnnngggh oooh God ooohhh HerrDoktorProfessoraaaaAAAAH!" It made me break out in giggles. We were a terrible match.)
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 1:42 AM on February 4, 2012 [18 favorites]

1) When she honked the horn instead of coming into the apartment to pick me up. We dated for three years after that, and were married for four years after that, but I kinda knew right then that it wasn't going to last forever.

2) When a girl who swears more than I do flipped the fuck out when I said "What the fuck" in a text message. She seriously said "How dare you swear at me?" when she had just said it herself.

3) When a girl called Doctor Who "boy stuff". That's less about Doctor Who specifically, than about the idea that there has to be "boy stuff" and "girl stuff".

And a friend told me about two friends of his (I know, I know) who: The guy liked to stick his fingers up his ass and play with his poop. The girl started dating this guy, and they took a shower together, and he dropped anchor in the shower. She was horrified, and he apparently had no idea why, and he started squishing it down the drain with his toes.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:07 AM on February 4, 2012 [12 favorites]

His rationale was, "if she bolts, more power to her but we weren't going to get along anyway. If she smiles, things might work out." Hard for me to find fault with that. Put your quirks out there early.

"What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman you think you're gonna hurl?"
"I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."
posted by ODiV at 3:32 AM on February 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

And a friend told me about two friends of his (I know, I know) who: The guy liked to stick his fingers up his ass and play with his poop. The girl started dating this guy, and they took a shower together, and he dropped anchor in the shower. She was horrified, and he apparently had no idea why, and he started squishing it down the drain with his toes.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:07 AM on February 4 [1 favorite +] [!]

His rationale was, "if she bolts, more power to her but we weren't going to get along anyway. If she smiles, things might work out." Hard for me to find fault with that. Put your quirks out there early....posted by ODiV at 3:32 AM on February 4 [+] [!]

It's early, and I haven't had my first coffee of the day, and I read this as one entry. If you note the timestamps, that's how long I've sat here, absolutely stunned. Now that I've recovered...

- he showed up at my place of work with a bouquet of flowers planning to take me out to lunch, having heard I'd separated from my husband and having waited what he must have felt was a decent amount of time (about two weeks) wearing his best toupee. It's not that it was too soon, or that I didn't know he wore a toupee, and he was actually a pretty handsome bald guy, and he was pretty nice too. It's that his best toupee looked like this.

- I asked gently, after he didn't get the physical hints, if we could scootch down a little, because my head was banging against the headboard, and he said "Why bother? I lost my train of thought and I'm not going to come now anyway."
posted by peagood at 5:40 AM on February 4, 2012 [16 favorites]

Minus215Cee: "- after our first night/first date together, no sex but a hothothot make-out session, she looked at me lovingly and sang the chorus from Oasis' "Wonderwall""

Wow, this just triggered a repressed memory, I had almost the exact same scenario but it was Live's "I Alone."
posted by the_artificer at 6:24 AM on February 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

all the weirdness just crystallized at that exact moment

It's funny though - the moment you realize there's an issue and assign a reason isn't usually really the reason.

So true. I realized on the fifth date that it was over by the first date. I could list the ten things that bugged me about him, but that's just nitpicking. It just basically came down to the fact that I felt no chemistry at all with the guy (if some other guy did those ten things, it would have been fine). But I kept going because 1) it was the first date I'd had in 3 years and 2) I was constantly being told by my friends "hey, you're lonely, don't be so fussy, give the guy a chance, don't be so close-minded, you never know until you try," etc. etc. etc. That was when I learned to trust my instincts. Being fussy has its drawbacks, but it also means being true to yourself.
posted by Melismata at 6:37 AM on February 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

- On what was to be our second date, I arrived at the restaurant we were to have dinner and she was already wasted. Then she told me I would have to "do something about" the rings I used to wear which had some neopagan iconography on them because "if we get married, you can't wear rings like that in a church".

- The first time we had sex, she howled. I mean that in a very literal, wild dogs baying at the moon "aaooooOOOOOOO!" way. Noisy sex is great, and even living above a family with two small boys while dating this person wasn't embarrassing. But being made to feel as though I was fucking Lassie was just too much.

- When introducing her to a female friend at a party, I went to get some drinks for us, and when I came back my friend was visibly shaken and excused herself. When I called my friend the next day to ask what that was about, she told me my date had told her, "He's mine, and if I catch you flirting with him again, I will end you." A little jealousy is cute but to outright threaten a friend of mine using a line ripped from the screenplay of an episode of Dynasty crosses the line.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:46 AM on February 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

"Ugh. I can't stand dogs. So annoying."

tombstone_well_bye.gif
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:40 AM on February 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

Happened to a friend:

"My girlfriend deleted your number from my phone so I couldn't call you."
posted by emmling at 7:45 AM on February 4, 2012

I love this thread and don't care if that makes me a bad person.
posted by stagewhisper at 7:46 AM on February 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

We need another thread for "things our SOs do that would be dealbreakers if they weren't so awesome otherwise."
posted by desjardins at 8:12 AM on February 4, 2012 [16 favorites]

4. He told me that his mission in life was to be a warrior for justice in the coming apocalypse

OMG we dated the same guy!

So we were dramatic 17 year olds at the time.

He was still committed to his mission in his late twenties, if so. I guess warriors for justice never lose the dream.

He once went out of town to a conference and insisted on me being able to distinguish the armor-piercing bullets from the normal kind in his box of ammunition and insisted on supervising me loading the gun, 'just in case the apocalypse happens while I'm away.' Bless his crazy heart!
posted by winna at 8:16 AM on February 4, 2012 [6 favorites]

I knew it was over when he didn't bother confirming with the INS that he could legally leave the US without losing his green card--the last in a seemingly endless litany of self-made crises--and the nice lady at the Virgin Airlines desk said she was sorry, but she couldn't let him on the plane. Walking through the airport alone to catch my flight after he refused to kiss me goodbye, all I felt was relief that I would be able to read and think in peace again.
posted by Scram at 8:17 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

"We need another thread for "things our SOs do that would be dealbreakers if they weren't so awesome otherwise."

"I knew it was over when she complained about my Rush fandom on metafilter."
posted by stagewhisper at 8:19 AM on February 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

This was a random I'd met at a party, not someone I was going out with, thank goodness.

Her: "Why do you have all these photos of blacks?"

Me: "Blacks?!!! What the fuck? That's my grandmother, those are my cousins."

Her: *makes involuntary disgusted face*

I became rather angry at that point, if memory serves.

Retrospectively, I wonder what on earth she was expecting me to say. "Oh, I've collected photos of elderly mixed race women for years and recently branched out into snaps of black children in the 1980s. Are you into Race-based Photo Collecting too?".
posted by jack_mo at 8:33 AM on February 4, 2012 [66 favorites]

"I won't be online for a while. I've been grounded from the internet."
I was 23. He was slightly younger. I was willing to accept the living at home thing right up until that point.
posted by platypus of the universe at 9:06 AM on February 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Every time I come back to this thread, I remember more! Holy fuckballs, I had horrible taste in men. These are not either of the two gentlemen I mentioned earlier.

Guy #1
- We go out to dinner, and it's horribly awkward, we can barely make conversation. He's clearly not into me, okay, whatever, but let's finish our food. I'm not even halfway done and the waitress does her standard "is everything okay here?" check-in. The guy says, "can we have our check please?" Then he goes into the bathroom and is in there forever. The check came, I waited a bit, and then just paid for myself and left.

Guy #2
- On our first date, he drives to my place, says we have to take a bus to the restaurant (I didn't own a car) because his car was messy. He wasn't kidding - the entire back seat and passenger seat was full of crap UP TO THE ROOF. I don't know how he didn't get in an accident or get stopped by the police.

- After dinner, he asks me to pay (for the whole thing) because he'd spent all his money on gas. I never minded paying my share for dates, or even paying for all of it once in awhile, but without any warning at all? We were at a cheap pizza place, too. His share would have been about $10, and he couldn't scrape up that?

- We end up back at my place after dinner and we watch a movie, then I send him home. The next day, he's PISSED that he'd driven all this way and didn't get laid. Almost exact quote: "I didn't drive for an hour just to kiss you."

Guy #3
- He lives with his elderly, disabled, cantankerous father and invites me over after dad is asleep. He's cautioning me to be very quiet so we don't wake dad up. We're talking in his room and I'm like, what's that smell? He would piss in a bucket so he wouldn't have to go down the hall and risk waking up his dad. I mean, I somewhat understand that in a sense, but wouldn't, you know, clean it out when you're going to have a date over?

- He's all, please don't leave, you're my angel, you're my shining star, God sent me to you, etc etc. I barely knew this guy.

If something ever happens to my husband, I am never dating again.
posted by desjardins at 9:07 AM on February 4, 2012 [16 favorites]

He's all, please don't leave, you're my angel, you're my shining star, God sent me to you, etc etc. I barely knew this guy.

Oh gods. I briefly dated a guy who was in the Navy. When he sent me a long, rambling letter telling me all about how I was what was getting him through, he was living just because of me, that was it.

That's a lot of fucking pressure to put on a 17 year-old. (He was 19. Dude, that much drama? NO THANK YOU.)
posted by MissySedai at 9:13 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dating, like retail work, is the fastest way to convenice yourself the human race doesn't deserve saving.
posted by The Whelk at 9:25 AM on February 4, 2012 [33 favorites]

In college on a third date, we are having a drink at my place before going out. Hanging for 15 minutes or so in my room, with my roommate+boyfriend watching TV in the living room. Some conversation and one or two chaste kisses later, I walk out to get a refill. On my way back, I stop for a second for a word with my roommate. The door to my room is dramatically flung open and he walks out. His belt is unbuckled, his shirt unbuttoned and wide open, and in the background I can see that he has pulled the bedspread off my bed. He stops in the doorway, strikes a pose, reaches his hand out to me and says, "Come back here, baby!"

I laughed so hard I could barely stand, partially because it was hilarious and partially from acute embarrassment. He got offended and walked out in a huff, thank goodness, or I would have had to bow out of the date somehow... And he had seemed so normal!
posted by gemmy at 9:41 AM on February 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

I missed an opportunity. He took me back to his country to meet his family. His mother looked me up and down and turned to him and said "She will give you beautiful children."

That should have been my cue to turn around and get back on the plane.
posted by ambrosia at 9:50 AM on February 4, 2012

God, this thread is mesmerizing.

I knew it was over when my college boyfriend picked a huge fight with me over nothing, and then wouldn't back down when I asked if we could do this later, because someone close to me had just been institutionalized. Yes, readers, a close family member had just had their first major bipolar episode and we were all dealing with that, but my boyfriend insisted we work through our made-up issue before he'd discuss anything else. I believe the quote was "I can't be supportive until you admit what you did and apologize."

Oh, also, different guy--I knew it was over when he said, "I just can't stand Renaissance Fair people. I can't even be around them, even if they're not at the fair." I grew up going to Ren Fairs with my folks, so... yeah.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 10:31 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh man I just remembered:

"You need to learn to be less selfish. Take my mother, for example..."
posted by ambrosia at 10:34 AM on February 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

- Once when we were having sex, he insisted we do cowgirl position although we both knew I wasn't fond of it. I obliged anyway, and he kept repeating, "Women's liberation!!! That's what it's all about, right?" This, and the fact that he thought cunnilingus was "gross".

- He was a distant relative. His family came to visit mine one day while I was out at a friend's house (I was 17 or so at the time). When I came back home, my mother told me that he had spent the entire visit in my room rearranging my entire bookshelf in alphabetical order, basically over a hundred books. He wrote me a long letter ending with "I love you like God loves the Earth!" and told me he wants to keep me in his heart forever and ever. This, despite the fact that we had spoken maybe twice. I tried to let him down nicely. He was a really nice guy, but incredibly naive. He still sends me occasional e-mails with Mozart music and "inspirational" messages.
posted by adso at 10:35 AM on February 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh man I just remembered: "You need to learn to be less selfish. Take my mother, for example..."

Oh man, that just triggered a repressed memory. He basically used me to resolve some problems he was having with his real SO, but I didn't know that until it all came out in the end. He called and told me that I should be less selfish; when he and the SO were temporarily apart, she told him "I wish you every happiness with her." I.e., she only thought of his happiness, and that's what I should be doing now. Oh, and to be attractive to the next guy, I should lose a little weight. Thanks for that, Mefi.
posted by Melismata at 11:05 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

"I love you like God loves the Earth!"

Did he send a flood to cleanse you from all sin?
posted by msalt at 11:10 AM on February 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

after our first night/first date together, no sex but a hothothot make-out session, she looked at me lovingly and sang the chorus from Oasis' "Wonderwall"

Hmmm... is she seeing anybody right now?
posted by msalt at 11:15 AM on February 4, 2012

He had no clue why I didn't like rodeo. Even after I explained it to him, he just said "well, the bull was fighting the matador, too, it's not like it was just one-sided."
posted by hazyjane at 11:21 AM on February 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh, I remembered one from college. I was long distance and he sent a love letter ... RIFE with grammar and spelling errors. Not just a couple. RIFE. He was smart and going to college elsewhere ... and super-touchy about how he was super-duper-smart. And it was just ... awkward youthful prose with so. many. errors. I was trying to be nice about it but I kept laughing at the forced schmoopy phrases with their incorrect punctuation.

I never said anything to him about it, and it just kind-of petered out on its own because we were in college and far apart and not particularly serious, but that was the moment when I knew this wasn't going anywhere. I feel like kind-of a bad person about it, lol.

This one's more serious/depressing; I'd known this guy for years kicking around the periphery of my friend-group/acquaintances and I thought he was a bit of a "dudebro" but basically a nice guy -- always willing to help carry heavy stuff, would rescue girls who'd had too much to drink from overly-pushy dudes at the bar, could be counted on to designated drive when he said he would, was willing to drop by and fix computers -- basically just a fairly laid-back, generous guy whose major flaw was that he was rather full of himself, but he took teasing about it pretty well. He dated nice girls who came and went with a minimum of drama. So he asked me on a date and I said okay, and we had a pretty nice time. Then at the end of the date he says, "I'm glad you're not Asian."

"What??" (It was very out-of-the-blue, I was confused.)

"Well, it's not like I'm racist or anything, some of my best friends are Asian, but I wouldn't want to have half-Asian babies. I really think people should only date seriously within their own race."

"I really think you should not date at all!" I sputtered, which is not nearly as good a comeback as the dozen I came up with later that night.

I walked home because I was really not interested in getting back in a car with him. (Ladies, drive yourself to your first date, even if you know the dude!)

The funny (?) thing is, some of his best friends really are Asian ... his BFF and roommate is Chinese-American and they've lived together for like 10 years now. I moved away not long after that so I'm just facebook friends with some of those folks and long removed from their social happenings (and I'm not friends with the racist dude), but as far as I can tell he's still not married, still best friends with this guy, and, like, not been outed as a racist in that circle of people. The whole thing just boggles my mind a little bit. And I guess in "everyday" life he isn't a racist, only in dating? But I have a really hard time not considering someone racist if they're like "miscegnation bad!" That just seems to make you like de facto racist. I don't know, maybe he had an epiphany and realized he was wrong; he was young and it's been 10 years. (But yeah, when someone says to me, "It's okay, some of my best friends are X!" I always think of him and the visceral moment when Mr. Some of My Best Friends are Asian showed his true colors.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:28 AM on February 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

If a girlfriend ever non-ironically referred to herself as a princess, the associated personality traits were often what killed things for me. Eventually, I realized I really preferred a significant other who was self-reliant and had her life together.

But until I realized the self-reliance thing? The word "princess" was the touch of death.
posted by talldean at 11:42 AM on February 4, 2012 [6 favorites]

Eyebrows McGee: ""Well, it's not like I'm racist or anything, some of my best friends are Asian, but I wouldn't want to have half-Asian babies. I really think people should only date seriously within their own race.""

I dated a Chinese-American woman whose mother, sister and one of her brothers all told me (separately) privately how firmly against mixed marriages they were, and how personally horrified they would be if we had children. We eventually broke up for other reasons, but in retrospect I should have headed for the hills far more quickly than I did.
posted by zarq at 11:50 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Well, it's not like I'm racist or anything, some of my best friends are Asian, but I wouldn't want to have half-Asian babies. I really think people should only date seriously within their own race."

I mean, take your pick, right? It seems to me that the overt racism is just the shit icing on the holy-shit-dude-why-are-you-talking-about-having-babies-on-the-first-date cake, but I could be convinced to go the other way on that.
posted by Errant at 11:51 AM on February 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

"holy-shit-dude-why-are-you-talking-about-having-babies-on-the-first-date cake"

LOL, I literally never noticed until just now when you pointed it out that he was talking about baby-making on the first date -- at the time I was too busy gasping for air about the racist part! And ever since that's been the part that really bothered me. (I guess it was the first time I heard one of my peers say something overtly racist -- I mean, honestly, 10 years later, I'm still troubled by it.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:58 AM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Whenever anyone begins a sentence with "I'm not racist or anything, but" you can always expect what follows to basically amount to "OK yeah actually, I'm pretty racist."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:13 PM on February 4, 2012 [25 favorites]

That might be a socialization thing: I'm a little more used to overt racism, you're a little more used to sexual objectification, so we're more struck by the one that isn't as common in our experience. But, hey, that guy can be the winner of the idiot biathlon, we honor him for his versatile stupidity.
posted by Errant at 12:14 PM on February 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

I'd had two very good dates with a guy. We were having a conversation online a couple days after the second date, and he says: "Men of substance, quality, or attractiveness will probably fuck anything but only go out with Skinny Minnies. I have friends who won't fuck or date anyone over a size 4."

He immediately follows that up with: "of course you can find guys to date you but they are probably not attractive or have substance."

My jaw about hit the floor. (We had gone out twice - no fucking involved either time. What was he saying about himself there? : ) )

Needless to say, there was no third date.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:22 PM on February 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

I knew it was over when she got me a "gift" of a tongue scraper and a bottle of Scope.
posted by not_on_display at 12:50 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

When he dumped me one the reasons he gave was that I "read too much." We met in a bookstore... where I still worked.
posted by bibliogrrl at 1:02 PM on February 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

> Hmmm... is she seeing anybody right now?

I don't know, but I do know that she'll move in with you immediately, at the first opportunity that presents itelf. Also, that she's got a...thing about political puppeteers and mediocre poets. FWIW

> "I just can't stand Renaissance Fair people. I can't even be around them, even if they're not at the fair."

This strikes a nerve. I don't know if this was me, but I was an immature, strident, judgmental jerk when I was younger, one who didn't appreciate approximated virtualizations of history, and I'm truly sorry. I mean, I still think Ren Faire is silly, I won't lie about it, but I've stopped assuming that my own pre-natal nostalgia-tripping is equally as silly.
posted by Minus215Cee at 1:14 PM on February 4, 2012

When he asked me to "stop using such big words" on our first date. Hands down. I still can't believe that shit actually happened. He worked at a college, for heaven's sake!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:17 PM on February 4, 2012 [9 favorites]

I was buying a CD, and he was the cashier. He invited me to see his band play at a battle of the bands that night. Afterwards, we hung out at his house for a while. At some point, he gets up to use the bathroom, which is just a room right off the living room (not down the hall or something.) He leaves the door open. I can hear every drop. I have known him maybe 4 hours.

He was a very nice guy, but I couldn't help wondering what other socially inappropriate things he would end up doing if we spent time together.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:22 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was a pretty crap girlfriend in my late teens and early 20s, so I'm sure there's guys who have stories about me.

But here's a few of mine (different people):

--I made him a mix CD, partly to be romantic, partly cause I was broke, partly to share my musical interests. He said "oh cool, what's on it?" I named some of the songs/musicians. He made a face and said "oh. I don't know any of them." (Which is fine!) So I said "well okay, you don't have to listen to the whole CD right now obviously, but can we just listen to this one song? I bet you'll like it!" So we listened, he was clearly disinterested, and then he played me some songs from his collection, which was entirely comprised of video game soundtracks and radio pop stuff. It became immediately obvious that he had zero interest in expanding outside of his pretty narrow musical comfort zone. And considering music is hugely important for me and I'm always looking for new stuff, that was the end of that.

--First date. Riding around in his classic convertible, which he I think had restored himself and was intensely proud of. Hair whipping around everywhere, got a headache, discovered I dislike riding in convertibles.

--Road trip with my off-and-on boyfriend of two years. We couldn't make conversation in the car for anything. He insisted on playing over and over the same album I had introduced to him a month or two prior, which I was now thoroughly sick of because he had fallen in love with it and was playing it endlessly (this was a common theme - I felt like I couldn't share a new interest with him without him running it into the ground). Riding in the car, I realized I felt like the "leader" in the relationship. He was content to sit still, I wanted to grow. And I realized I wanted to be equals with my partner. In retrospect, we were a terrible match. Similar interests do not a good relationship make.

--Involved in a messy romantic triangle in high school (romantically involved with my longtime male crush's new girlfriend, at her instigation) She told me, while making out, "you kiss better than he does." That wasn't the immediate end, but it was when I knew that I didn't really want to be involved with her.

(Happily married for five years now. To someone who won me over by being in many ways someone I never thought I would date, and being incredibly awesome at the same time.)
posted by agress at 1:23 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I suspect I might be the person on the other end of the deal breakers rather than the person doing the bailing.

Same here. I keep reading this thread waiting for one of my college girlfriends to pop in with, "I'm in his room at his fraternity house and notice stacks and stacks of several hundred videotapes piled on top of each other. I assume he's some kind of a movie buff, only for him to tell me they're all professional wrestling videos"
posted by The Gooch at 1:26 PM on February 4, 2012 [9 favorites]

"5. He stopped in the middle of sex to get up and check the scores for a Yankees game"

I mean, he may have just needed some extra reinforcement in "thinking about baseball."
posted by stratastar at 1:42 PM on February 4, 2012 [9 favorites]

I knew it was over when he said "you're going to look so weird when you're pregnant" right after we'd had sex - my first time - when I barely knew him. We had never discussed kids, weren't even dating and I was 16 at the time. I dragged it out for the rest of the weekend he was visiting and then ran for the hills.
posted by buteo at 1:56 PM on February 4, 2012

Oh man I just remembered: "You need to learn to be less selfish. Take my mother, for example..."

Oh, this brought something back that I'd repressed too! I should have known it was over when...

- shortly after our wedding, his mother asked me "Do you want his account information so you can cash his paychecks and take care of the bills, or should I keep on doing it?"

(I learned afterward, in marriage counseling, that essentially he'd married me to knock his mother out of her controlling position, then found his new young girlfriend to "fire" me.)
posted by peagood at 2:07 PM on February 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

I knew it was over when she invited me over to hang out with her and some of her friends, but when her ex got there she mysteriously disappeared with him. In her defense I think she went back to her place (with him) to get the money, to buy coke (from him), so she could take it before we had sex that night. Yes, that is the best defense I can muster, and no I didn't stick around to hang out with people I didn't know.
posted by P.o.B. at 2:58 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

She hated loveless by My Bloody Valentine.
posted by chillmost at 3:06 PM on February 4, 2012 [16 favorites]

In the last few years I have had a spate of guys who talk incessantly about their ex-girlfriends. Sometimes it's the first time we hang out, sometimes a few dates in. People, just stop that. I do not want to hear what "that bitch" did to you, or what you think she did to you. But thanks for letting me know I do not want to see you again.

But on to specifics:

Four months into a relationship I thought was going somewhere my dad died unexpectedly. He had a heart attack driving on the interstate just north of where I lived. I had to go deal with his body, car, and his dog who lived through the subsequent crash. BF just disappeared until after the funeral, which I had to arrange as well. I asked him why he wasn't there for me, didn't come to the funeral even. He said he thought I would want to be alone, without the pressure of a relationship, through all that. Why did I stay with him another two years? So, what the hell is a relationship for then? This guy also said I was "the one"! The one what? I understand that's a lot of pressure on a relatively new relationship, but please mang.

On a lighter note, the guy who insisted on shaving me before we had sex. EVERY TIME. Come on!

The guy who had to stare into my eyes the whole time we were having sex. THE WHOLE TIME. If I tried to look away or naturally close my eyes during, he would do everything in his power to bring me back.

*sob* I will always be alone.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 3:46 PM on February 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

Hang, on, no, I do have one. I don't know how I managed to block this out.

We'd been together for the last couple years of college. We never really talked about marriage but were (we thought) set on staying together long-term. I graduated first, spent six months looking for a job, finally got one but it required a hundred-mile move to Delaware. Packed my things, signed my first lease, got ready to pay my dues. A few months later, we're talking about her grad-school options. and the only school she's considering on the east coast is in Atlanta. Turned out she assumed through the whole job hunt that after she was out of school I'd quit, break my lease and find a new one near whichever school she ended up at, career (and starvation) be damned, and somehow I'd never come out and asked. Not really a cat-throwing moment, but clearly neither of us was as devoted to the relationship as we thought.

(MetaFilter: Not really a cat-throwing moment.)
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 4:17 PM on February 4, 2012

He wore lederhosen to a party. A non-ironic, perfectly normal party that was not in Bavaria and that nobody was dressing up for and he wasn't punk or rebellious or anything, he just liked to wear lederhosen. And they looked terrible on him. And they were actually spandexhosen.

(We weren't dating; he was trying to get my phone number.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:37 PM on February 4, 2012 [14 favorites]

Oh, *fake* a brain tumor. I knew I was doing something wrong…

- I knew it was probably a good thing it was over when she immediately called her grandmother to inform her about us breaking up. I had never met, or spoken to, her grandmother. Really nice girl, but after a few weeks of dating I didn't necessarily need or want to have the feeling of being integrated into the extended family.

Mostly, I've known it was over when I start noticing I'm flinching at every annoying habit that didn't bother me before. Also, the biochemist who collected wicca books and pokemon.

chillmost: "She hated loveless by My Bloody Valentine"

Unforgivable. As is anybody who thinks a kindle is a substitute for digging through the stacks of a second-hand bookstore.
posted by HFSH at 4:42 PM on February 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

adso: "He was a distant relative."

[sound of record scratching]
posted by secretseasons at 6:03 PM on February 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

I wonder what percentage of the world is married to say their fifth cousins or someone with less family differentiation. I bet it's pretty high.
posted by Mitheral at 6:31 PM on February 4, 2012

adso: "He was a distant relative."

[sound of record scratching]

Well. My second cousin's cousin (aka my dad's cousin's husband's sister's son), so not a blood relative, BUT STILL. There was that awful suffocating aura of familial awkwardness that just made his wide-eyed declarations of eternal devotion even weirder.

Also, I randomly met a guy in college once whose grandparents happened to be from the exact same little Eastern European village as my grandparents. We did sort of look alike...
posted by adso at 6:37 PM on February 4, 2012

The musician who was very anti drugs and alcohol. I didn't do much of either at the time so it didn't bother me. [Also, musicians are great in bed amirite?] One day we had an argument about the evils of marijuana and I knew neither of us would change the other's mind, so I basically said, let's agree to disagree. But he couldn't drop it. Because he was "right". (Of course I was right, but I was ok with his ignorance in this area. Nobody's perfect!) And then I couldn't stand the way he smelled anymore.
posted by Glinn at 8:07 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

He said his favorite *non-fiction* book was The Da Vinci Code.

The end.
posted by belladonna at 9:29 PM on February 4, 2012 [26 favorites]

I could say a few things about the Vegas stripper, but would it honestly shock anyone that it was a nightmare from the beginning?
posted by P.o.B. at 10:08 PM on February 4, 2012

A few years before I met him, my partner went out on a date with a guy who spent the entire meal talking about the horrible rat infestation he was battling at his house. After they paid for their meal, the guy smiled flirtatiously at my partner and asked, "Wanna come back to my place?" Um...no.

Also:

"I broke up for good reasons."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"What about Jill?"
"She was in the Mafia."
"She was in the Mafia?"
"Yes, the Cosa Nostra. I never knew how she made a living."
"She was unemployed. She didn't work."
"That's a perfect cover."
"All right. What about Pam?"
"She smelled like soup."
"What does that mean?"
"Like beef vegetable soup."
posted by southern_sky at 10:42 PM on February 4, 2012 [6 favorites]

I actually recently had a rat infestation and had to tell a couple people, uh, yeah, maybe in a few weeks. So I just want to say that some of us filthy motherfuckers can still be conscientious.
posted by Errant at 10:56 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I knew after staying up until 230am local time to read this entire thread in one two hour sitting (including breaks to look up stuff like Werner Herzog & fursona), I ought to post my own. Yes, I realize they're not quite as humorous as what's already been posted, but the bar/standard for humor has been set high enough that I'm not even sure I could possibly top it with my comparatively vanilla dating life.

#1 - I knew it was over when she cheated on me (while I was out of state) the day after we lost our virginity to each other. Of course, I was young & not thinking and stuck around further. Perhaps others here have heard the line about God giving men two heads & only enough blood to use one at a time. Well, I think I know which one I was using.

#2 - I knew it was over when she told me she didn't want her fellow Hispanic friends to see her in public with a white boy.

#3 - I knew it was over when she told me she didn't like me as much as she thought she should have. Truth be told, I should have realized something was amiss, given how frequently she'd say "AMSBoethius, are you sure we're a good couple? I don't know that we make a very good match..."

#4 - I knew it was over when she talked non-stop throughout the date about how she'd get back together with her ex as of a couple months previously in a heartbeat if he were open to the idea. I'm sure he's a nice guy & all, but I don't really want to hear that crap (On second thought, hearing it maybe isn't such a bad thing - it helps you to know to bail out sooner rather than later).

#5 - I knew it was over when she only showed interest while I was paying for drinks. That, and she tried to smoke in my car. I'm not racist against smokers or anything. Smoke all you want to, just don't smoke in my car or apartment (or ask me to pay for your cigarettes).

#6 - I knew it was over on the first date when she started making snide remarks about my hair (it's roughly top of the shoulders in length). I realize that we all have different ideas of what hairstyle might look good on a given person, but given that this is the year 2012, you'd think we'd have already gotten over the notion that man with long hair = godless commie heathen hippie. I found out later that she had tried to insist to the friend who set us up that I get a haircut before we have dinner.

#7 - I knew it was over when she told me she wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with me anymore. Granted, I'd just divulged some important information, but I thought there was a good chance she'd be open minded about it. I was wrong. I should have known that it was over a few months before that when she spent all weekend crying inconsolably after I momentarily hesitated on the question of marriage.

The unifying theme here is, I think, that I'm glad I didn't move in with, marry, or have a kid with any of them. Plus, not having any experiences of someone using a faked brain tumor to get sympathy from me, or dump me in the middle of a vacation with their family, makes me feel kinda normal, I guess.
posted by AMSBoethius at 1:22 AM on February 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

AMSBoethius writes "godless commie heathen hippie"

Not that there is anything wrong with that.
posted by Mitheral at 2:10 AM on February 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Mitheral, you're entirely correct. I should have clarified that people who are offended by long hair on men (or at least that woman) seem to be stuck in a 1950s USA view, in which atheism, communism, non-Christian belief, & counterculture participation are each strong indications of being a horrible & unworthy person.
posted by AMSBoethius at 7:08 AM on February 5, 2012

Aftermath: I married the guy whose grandmother gave me condoms and lube at our first meeting.

That. Is. Mortifying.

I love it.
posted by gjc at 8:24 AM on February 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

No problem AMSBoethius, I wasn't offended, just quipping. Know what you mean about the kind of people for whom long hair on men would be a problem in that way.
posted by Mitheral at 8:58 AM on February 5, 2012

As others have said, this thread is mesmerizing. I'm late to the game, but I feel obligated to share.

The GF who, when I asked her what kind of future she imagined for herself, said "Being a single mother."
The GF who made plans to drive separately and meet up with me at a week-long music festival -- then changed plans without telling me. To travel to Europe. With her ex. Who turned out not to be her ex, but rather her fiance.
The GF who owned five identical copies of The Bell Jar.
The GF who broke up with me for sending her flowers on Valentine's day.
The long-distance GF who apologized for breaking up with me -- four months later -- by flying to my home town, asking me out to dinner, and proposing while the waiter stood by.

Bonus points: They were all the same person.
posted by verb at 9:10 AM on February 5, 2012 [46 favorites]

I woke up to a note that said, "Hi sweatheart, went for a run."

He tried to use gorilla glue to put up brackets for curtain rods.

He argued with me about assembly directions being "wrong" every. single. time.

We were in business together, and while pitching to investors and he never acknowledged the partnership. I'd sit there feeling like the girl sidekick. When I called him on it, he said, "Don't be so sensitive. When I say I, I mean we."

He collected World War I helmets.

He refuses to eat vegetables.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:58 PM on February 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

When I called him on it, he said, "Don't be so sensitive. When I say I, I mean we."

Awesome. I am loving this thread so hard.
posted by ambrosia at 5:20 PM on February 5, 2012

A female friend who was very religious would give a list to dates of things she expected from a relationship and wanted from a husband.

I knew a woman like this who would, no lie, whip her single-spaced two page letter to Jesus out of her purse to see how prospective dates matched up. Her Lord & Savior did hear her prayers and send her someone, whom she promptly married.

A year later, she was having an extramarital affair with someone she met through her job. I could not resist asking, "So did you nab this one through a post-it to Satan?"

We do not keep in touch.
posted by sobell at 7:27 PM on February 5, 2012 [30 favorites]

I agree completely, but one has to be careful in this day of the Kindle.

Sure, if you want to date somebody who has only known how to read for, what, three years?
posted by tumid dahlia at 7:48 PM on February 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

Ok, so I just managed to read this thread-- and I have a question.

Am I really the only one who rolls her tshirts?
posted by nat at 7:55 PM on February 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

I sort of...gather them together into a little parcel.
posted by tumid dahlia at 7:58 PM on February 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Knew it was over when the guy (who was well-educated) stated that Ecuador was a region in Spain, and then told me that he was anti-religious, but definitely spiritual, and knew of this "really amazing story from like 5,000 years B.C. that was written by the ancient Mayans or Aztecs, called the Epic of Gilgamesh..."

SEE YA.
posted by Betty's Table at 8:23 PM on February 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

I roll all my clothes, T-shirts included, when traveling - saves a lot more space than folding them does. Oh hey, speaking of traveling: flying from Baltimore to Boston for our one year anniversary, where I was to be visiting her for a week, and being broked-up with on the first night there, knowing absolutely no one else in Boston. That was awesome.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 8:41 PM on February 5, 2012

Rolling shirts is great. I suggest it for anyone vending the things - 2 rubber bands to keep them in a roll, then you can just toss 'em in a box. At home though, how can you tell which one's which without unrolling them?

Also, The girl that showered 2 or 3 times a day. I mean, I'm a fairly clean guy, but that seemed a little weird.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:50 PM on February 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

"really amazing story from like 5,000 years B.C. that was written by the ancient Mayans or Aztecs, called the Epic of Gilgamesh..."

"No, that was the Babylonians."

"Agree to disagree."
posted by Meatbomb at 8:53 PM on February 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

Betty's Table: ""really amazing story from like 5,000 years B.C. that was written by the ancient Mayans or Aztecs, called the Epic of Gilgamesh...""

Would it have been better or worse if they'd thought it was from Star Trek: The Next Generation?

[Gilgamesh, a king. Enkidu, a wild man.]
posted by secretseasons at 8:58 PM on February 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

secretseaons: ooooooh, hard call. Such a hard, hard call.
posted by Betty's Table at 9:02 PM on February 5, 2012

You must carefully roll them, so that the logo or other distinguishing feature is visible when you pull out the drawer.

Yeah, I started rolling clothes due to travel, but for tshirts I think it's always lovely. I guess rolling my shirts isn't a dealbreaker for everyone, because my bf is coming to visit this weekend, and he knows I roll my shirts. At least, I think he does..
posted by nat at 9:32 PM on February 5, 2012

I once went on a date where we got into a pretty lovely conversation about the human need to belong. Then, to illustrate a point he was making, he reached over and pretended to eat a bug out of my hair, like a gorilla grooming another gorilla in a nature documentary.

This was not a very serious thing, so we kept on seeing each other until we stopped. But whenever I feel a twinge of regret for what might have been, I remember the bug eating moment.
posted by sockomatic at 10:25 PM on February 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Here's one where him revealing the moment he knew it was over was the moment I knew it was over:

We'd been dating for 1.5 years, I was 20 and he was 24 at the time. One night we're chilling at a cafe and I ask what's the plan (meaning for like, the rest of the weekend). He suddenly looks really uncomfortable and responds "I am going to tell you something, and it's going to ruin your night, your weekend, and your life." Now I'm intrigued, so I ask what, and he responds, "I can never marry you."

"Um I'm 20? Not really planning on getting married anytime soon, so."

"No, you don't understand, no matter how long we date, even if it's many more years, I can never ask you to marry me."

"Why not...?"

"See, I've been really careful to make sure I get the perfect job, the perfect car, I'm working on finding the perfect house, and I'll want to have the perfect wife, too. And I'm not sure that's you."

"...???"

"For example, the other day you went to put your bag in the trunk of my car, and you tried to just push the button to open it and it didn't open. You've seen me open my trunk DOZENS of times, so you should know by now the trick is you have to hit it before you press the button, then it will open. The girl I should marry would have noticed that."

Pretty sure he's still single. Perhaps he should get his trunk fixed?
posted by mokudekiru at 5:37 AM on February 6, 2012 [32 favorites]

I once went on a date where we got into a pretty lovely conversation about the human need to belong. Then, to illustrate a point he was making, he reached over and pretended to eat a bug out of my hair, like a gorilla grooming another gorilla in a nature documentary.

This was not a very serious thing, so we kept on seeing each other until we stopped. But whenever I feel a twinge of regret for what might have been, I remember the bug eating moment.

This, uh... this sounds like the kind of thing I might do.

No wonder I'm single.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:22 AM on February 6, 2012 [11 favorites]

mokuderiku, he can't fix it, it is THE PERFECT CAR! Clearly he got it with the latch that way on purpose to serve as some sort of test/sorting mechanism!

What a nut.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:50 AM on February 6, 2012 [8 favorites]

So glad I'm not the only t-shirt roller.

There was the guy who thought we were dating who got very upset when I dyed my hair because he didn't think he could date a girl with blue hair. Apparently it wasn't a deal-breaker for him after all, because months later he sat me down to have a talk about where our relationship was going and I had to explain to him that not only were we not in a relationship, we never had been. He... did not take it well.
posted by Karmakaze at 9:15 AM on February 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

There was a girl in college who was long-ish-distance and on one phone call she went on in some detail about how I should be worried about crabs and asking if I thought i might have them, etc. She never accused me of bringing them her way and she was not the shy type, so she certainly would have if she wanted to. Then the odd stories of toilet seats, shared towels, and cramped quarters in the dorms started. I didn't call her out on anything and let it go, but that was that.

I too roll t-shirts. It's much easier for me I guess because with the exception of 3 or 4 that go folded in a different drawer they are all XL-Tall, single pocket, tight neck hole, no logo and the same brand. I arrange them in groups by color and stack them up all neat and tidy. It's really the only thing I'm picky about. I'm messy and not picky about just about everything else in my daily life. It hasn't been the deal-breaker for my wife yet.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 9:52 AM on February 6, 2012

mokudekiru, the bit that struck me was "I am going to tell you something, and it's going to ruin your night, your weekend, and your life."

To which my response would probably have been "we've been dating 18 months and I'm 20, don't flatter yourself".
posted by Infinite Jest at 10:07 AM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]

We'd been dating a couple of months; I was still in high school. It wasn't going anywhere; he was a loser dropout, I was headed for college soon, etc. I really just went out with him because I was a kind of dork introvert and nobody ever wanted to go out with me, so it was nice that someone vaguely acceptable did. Still, I was on the verge of breaking it off, or easing out of it, mostly based on his weird idea that he loved me already.

I so totally knew it was over when, just then, he got our initials tattooed on his upper arm. Looked like a buddy did it in a poorly lit alley. I hung on another month or two out of sheer pity.
posted by Occula at 10:26 AM on February 6, 2012

We were in college. He invited me to spend the night and assured me "I just Febrezed my sheets!"
posted by sonika at 10:51 AM on February 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

If form follows function
   she was made for one thing.
And you knew it was over
when you failed her there
   and she asked, “What are your doing
   for New Year’s,”
and you could no longer answer,
“Spending it with you.”

'06
posted by cjorgensen at 10:53 AM on February 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

I gasped along with the dozen or so other tourists, he turned, shrugged and said, "What? They are biodegradable!"

One hopes that you shoved him over the cliff too and yelled, "So are you!"
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:05 AM on February 6, 2012 [10 favorites]

And then, he leaned further over my shoulder and solved the top row of the sudoku for me.

LOL. Don't hate the player; improve your game.

She was gorgeous, intelligent, fun...and she smoked pot in front of her kids. While driving. And reading.

Reading while driving is certainly dangerous, but marijuana has not been shown to be as dangerous.

In a more recent U.S. DOT study, they found that "THC is not a profoundly impairing drug....It apparently affects controlled information processing in a variety of laboratory tests, but not to the extent which is beyond the individual's ability to control when he is motivated and permitted to do so in driving."

The researchers found that it "appears not possible to conclude anything about a driver's impairment on the basis of his/her plasma concentrations of THC and THC-COOH determined in a single sample." ("Marijuana and Actual Performance" (DOT-HS-808-078).)

/keepingitreal

I both fold AND roll my T-shirts. Some are folded, some are rolled to maximize the total amount of T-shirts that can fit in my drawer. So now everyone run away!
posted by mrgrimm at 11:11 AM on February 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

I hang up my t-shirts because I am totally incapable of folding clothes in any acceptable way that wouldn't result in weirdly wrinkly shirts, and because my dresser drawers where neatly folded tee-shirts might be placed are full of granny panties.
posted by Occula at 11:15 AM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

I shoot my t-shirts out of a cannon.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:16 AM on February 6, 2012 [13 favorites]

The depressing thing about this thread is that so many of these goons and psychopaths made it into relationships with presumably decent people (well, MeFites anyway) in the first place. While I languish with excessive knowledge of carrots in ancient manuscripts and bronies.
posted by cmoj at 11:17 AM on February 6, 2012 [9 favorites]

"One of the things I love about The Big Lebowski is that it's essentially a hard-boiled detective story."

My college girlfriend gave me an ultimatum that I had to stop quoting The Big Lebowski or we were done.

I can't believe that wasn't the end of it.

The end of it was when she waited to take me to the hospital until I'd been seizing on and off for almost an hour [yeah, I have epilepsy, but that's a bit MUCH] and when asked why she waited she told me that she knew I didn't like the hospital. Yeah, ok, we're done here.
posted by sonika at 11:19 AM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

My college girlfriend gave me an ultimatum that I had to stop quoting The Big Lebowski or we were done.

That's, just, like, her opinion, man.
posted by griphus at 11:22 AM on February 6, 2012 [37 favorites]

The girl I should marry would have noticed that.

This is the common thread through EVERY SINGLE ONE of these disastrous pairings: I am self-absorbed, and I want someone who will cater to that self-absorption. Me-Harmony, anyone?
posted by Melismata at 11:50 AM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]

It was 1976. My boyfriend had been to see the Talking Heads at CBGB the night before and was triumphantly showing me David Byrne's broken guitar string, which he had dug out of the dreck on the floor. Him showing me his groupie side was a turn-off to begin with, but then he followed up with a sigh and said, "I wish you looked more like Patti Smith." Since at the time I was working more toward being Pamela Anderson (before this was even an image to work toward!) his remarks did not go over well and It Was Then That I Knew...
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 12:20 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

I knew it was over when she told me she was fucking someone else and would be moving out the next day.
posted by Decani at 12:21 PM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]

Anyway, all that bullshit about how a good relationship needs to occasionally fight is just bullshit. Not that anyone here said it ...

Agreed. My ex and I fought occasionally... and then all the time... and the occasional part wasn't unhealthy, but it wasn't really necessary either.

My husband I never fight. I'm not exaggerating. And I'm not saying we never have screaming matches, I'm saying we never, ever fight. We disagree on stuff, sure, but we respect each other enough to go through things calmly and say "Ok, this is how I feel. This is how you feel. How are we going to make this work out?" It helps that we're both hyper rational people. (Though I'm more emotional than he is, for sure, he understands and respects it as much as he can - even if it's not logical, he knows if I'm all bent about something it's because it's important to me.)

We definitely make each other nuts sometimes, but we have enough trust built up to just say (as politely as possible) "I love you. This thing you're doing is driving me crazy." It definitely helps to separate "this thing that you are currently doing, which is giving me the howling fantods" from the relationship itself or the feelings about the other person in general. I get that this isn't for everyone, but it totally works for us.

It also helps that we've adopted a "divide and conquer" approach to our shared life based on our personal strengths/weaknesses. I suck at money and I can totally admit that. My husband is great with money and saving up for retirement is really important to him, so he's in charge of all financial decisions. I've worked in childcare my entire adult life and know a shit ton about child development. My husband likes kids ok, and loves the hell out of our son, but admits that he doesn't have the first clue as to the larger developmental picture - so childcare decisions are (at this point) entirely up to me. He helps, for sure, but what I say, goes. When our son gets older, this will undoubtedly become more of a joint effort as it'll be more "parenting" and less "disaster prevention" (he's 11mos), but for now, that's where we're at.

I'm not saying what we do would work for everyone. Just putting it out there that the elusive "never fighting" relationship does happen without involving androids. (Though actually... I can't provide 100% proof that my husband isn't an android.)
posted by sonika at 12:40 PM on February 6, 2012 [11 favorites]

We need another thread for "things our SOs do that would be dealbreakers if they weren't so awesome otherwise."

When we got together, he wanted the "2.5 kids house in the suburbs picket fence" lifestyle so much that he was completely addicted to the Disney Channel. I endured more episodes of Hannah Montana than I care to think about.

A few months later, he asked me to move in and as soon as I did... he no longer had a need for the antics of Zack and Cody.

If you knew him, you'd understand it was hilarious and kind of adorable in a "shake your head and laugh" kind of way (his favorite band is Manowar, for one. He worked at a hedge fund at the time, for two.) but writing it out just seems creepy.

Yes, I'm reading the thread in pieces and then commenting and I swear I'm done now as it sounds like nap time has come to an abrupt halt.
posted by sonika at 12:56 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh! How could I forget? When she said that the greatest movie ever was Dirty Dancing.

Not her favourite movie, no, the greatest movie ever. And then started into a lengthy argument in its favour as being the GREATEST MOVIE EVER. My counter-argument, being the sole question "what about, say, Lawrence of Arabia?" was rebuffed on account of its being "old".

I think we're done here. Thanks for playing.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:00 PM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]

Nobody puts Lawrence in the corner.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:03 PM on February 6, 2012 [26 favorites]

Oh! How could I forget? When she said that the greatest movie ever was Dirty Dancing.

Not her favourite movie, no, the greatest movie ever.

I had a similar situation with an ex, except replace Dirty Dancing with While You Were Sleeping.

If that wasn't the dealbreaker, her telling me shortly thereafter that she had already picked out the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the father-daughter dance at her hypothetical future wedding was.
posted by The Gooch at 1:13 PM on February 6, 2012

Oh, that's a toughy. Mu wife, when we met, would not watch a black and white movie, because she'd had the well poisoned by Cary Grant too many times, and they were "boring." It took me like 5 years to get her to sit still for A Streetcar Named Desire, after which she finally admitted that yes, perhaps, people were creating art in the motion picture medium before color was ubiquitous. It was a pretty bad point of contention.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:15 PM on February 6, 2012

I Knew We'd Never Be More Than Good Friends When: Even though he was taping it, he interrupted sex to watch some NYPD Blue (and I think Law & Order) crossover episode. Well, he'd go at it during commercials. *sigh*
posted by luckynerd at 1:20 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

I don't get the has-books/doesn't-read dichotomy. There are plenty of people who read all the time, and love books, and love to read, and hate owning things. For us, there is the library. I am wary of "collectors" of anything, so when I go to a guy's apartment and it's full of CDs, DVDs, and books--even if the actual titles demonstrate excellent taste--I know already that we're not a match because I'm a minimalist and I fundamentally don't understand the need to own a lot of media.

This. I read all of the time, and used to do the "large collection of books" thing but I've donated almost all of them to the library. Same with DVDs and CDs. I don't like having a lot of media in my apartment just taking up space.
posted by biochemist at 1:54 PM on February 6, 2012

Some day I'll learn to read.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:08 PM on February 6, 2012

In my mid-twenties, I used to tend bar. At some point my boyfriend of two years decide to hold a small, informal project meeting where I worked, because it was kind of neat quiet lounge during the day, and also so he could introduce me to an old friend-turned-business partner. Well, we were short-staffed that day, so I agreed to wait tables and happily took theirs when they came in. My boyfriend was friendly at first and introduced me to everyone, but was kind of stand-offish and distant whenever I came over to bring them drinks and say hello. I attributed it to professionalism and nervousness, and tried not to hover. At one point, though, his friend actually raised his hand and snapped at me for service. I went over kind of peeved but expecting it to have been a bad joke. When he ordered another drink without even looking at me, and my boyfriend just sat there looking sheepish, I suddenly had a very sick realization: this guy had no idea I was [asshole]'s girlfriend.

Later, my ex admitted he hadn't mentioned we were actually a couple the entire time I waited on them. He hadn't even told his friend why he picked that particular bar to meet at. I guess he intended to, but felt ashamed of my job when it came down to it. The only reason I didn't feel more humiliated is because his friend was the kind of complete douche who snaps his fingers at servers, and my boyfriend was pathetic enough to hold his opinion in high regard.

I wish I could say our relationship was over right then. It wasn't, but it was the one moment of my life where I felt myself fall out of love with someone.
posted by sundaydriver at 2:45 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh, I got one. When I was in college I was pretty broke. A girl I was dating asked me to buy various shampoos, conditioners and soaps on the way over. I figured she would pay be back so I spent all my money buying the stuff. I gave her the stuff and the reciept but no money was forthcoming, I didn't really want to press the issue. She decides she wants to go out to lunch, I tell her I have no money. She agrees to buy me lunch, but lectures me about how I am taking advantage of her, showing up with no money.

She later broke up with me because spending time with me was cutting in to her auditioning time.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:03 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

Observe its jaunty stylings!

This is incredibly charming.
posted by beerbajay at 3:12 PM on February 6, 2012

We were in college. He invited me to spend the night and assured me "I just Febrezed my sheets!"

Maybe a year or two back a woman, also in her mid thirties, invited me back to her place. Get back there and she had no sheets. That was a new one for me.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:21 PM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]

Late to it, but this is a pretty funny thread. Most of my break-up stories are ones where, looking back, she was absolutely justified in dumping my stupid cad ass, including:

1) She was coming to visit, and thought that she could stay at my house (where I lived with my folks). The communication was weak on both sides — I didn't really realize that was what she'd assumed — but my parents weren't having it at all, and she ended up spending the week at a Motel 6 on the outskirts of town without a car. This was the summer after senior year, and I didn't have a car either. Still, she sent me mushy emails even after she started dating some other guy. I didn't respond after a while.

2) She was too sick to have sex, and I guilted her into a blowjob. It was awful, and the next couple of dates were weird, but we were still in a weird college netherworld where we were kinda together. Then we had a party, and she fucked the drummer in my room and came down wearing my clothes, while I'd been stuck making small talk with the drummer's girlfriend and wondering where she was. (I'm actually really grateful for that one, as we probably would have continued in a dysfunctional relationship for a couple more months without that clear break.)

3) I worked with her at a magazine — she was vegetarian, cute and seemed into me. We went on two event dates: she covered a therapeutic improv group called Perspectives; I covered the county fair. She thought the improv was brave; I thought it was stupid. She hated the rides at the fair and wouldn't stay for the demolition derby at the end. But what really scotched it was on the ride home, when I, the music writer, asked her what kind of music she liked.

"None."

"None?"

"I don't listen to music."

We rode home in silence. (I later started dating her roommate, who told me that she thought the date was awful even though I was cute. It was awful mostly because she didn't like fun.)

4) I was dating Crystal because I worked with her older sister at a Mexican restaurant, and really, wanted to date the sister. But the sister was 5 years older than I was, so she set me up with Crystal, who was the same age. We went down to their basement apartment to watch The Big Lebowski and drink white russians with Crystal, her sister, and their weird quasi-platonic roommate that I was jealous of and who her sister ended up marrying in a Vegas fling a couple years later. Crystal taught me how to shoplift CDs from Meijer, melting the anti-theft plastic with a disposable lighter. Crystal had none of her sister's cool — she vaguely tolerated The Big Lebowski, and was way into Titanic. Titanic had to be on the TV for her to make out, and we had to make out in the living room because her bed was the top bunk and literally 14 inches below the ceiling. It had room for no one to be on top. The moment I knew it was over was when she started talking about how her favorite movie of all time was City of Angels, that Nick Cage joint, and I refused to watch that in favor of trying to force her to watch Wings of Desire, the Wim Wenders movie it's a remake of. She refused that and we sat in silence.

That was about a week before Valentine's Day, and I thought, "Well, I won't be a dick and dump her before Valentine's. I'll take her out to a nice meal, and pull the trigger sometime next week."

She called me the morning of Valentine's and told me that she didn't think we should see each other anymore, because she was just not that into it. I think she expected some pushback, but I was like, "Oh, cool. You're sure, right? Cool." Easiest breakup I ever heard of.

5) I was dating a study buddy, Margaret, but had only been on, like, two dates with her now that school had ended when I met my current girlfriend (now of almost ten years), and while the study buddy was attractive and nice, when I met Amy she just kinda blew my socks off with how incredibly cool she was. So I called Margaret and told her that she was really nice and everything, but that I'd met someone else, and figured that I'd finally not been a douche — I mean, we hadn't even really made out. No big deal. Margaret said we'd still be friends, and kept inviting me to parties at their house (though I only went to one or two and didn't see her much). Then Amy and I go out to a movie, and I see Margaret coming in after we're seated. I give her a little half-wave, and she just shoots me daggers. She sits right behind us, and after the movie just storms out. She doesn't talk to me ever again, and I run into one of our mutual friends and apparently that was HER movie that she was super psyched about (though I didn't know) and I'd ruined it forever by taking Amy there. She was fine if I wanted to see other people, but I shouldn't take them out where she might see. And that was the end of any nascent friendship.
posted by klangklangston at 3:33 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

My boyfriend had been to see the Talking Heads at CBGB the night before and was triumphantly showing me David Byrne's broken guitar string, which he had dug out of the dreck on the floor. Him showing me his groupie side was a turn-of

David Byrne's broken guitar string would be an irresistible aphrodisiac for me regardless of the method of procurement.

Autocorrect briefly suggested 'David Byrne's broken g-string', and I'd stand by that sentence too.
posted by painquale at 3:49 PM on February 6, 2012 [12 favorites]

This is not my beautiful floss.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:29 PM on February 6, 2012 [8 favorites]

I Knew We'd Never Be More Than Good Friends When: Even though he was taping it, he interrupted sex to watch some NYPD Blue (and I think Law & Order) crossover episode. Well, he'd go at it during commercials. *sigh*

Wait. Was he taping NYPD Blue or the sex?
posted by cmoj at 5:16 PM on February 6, 2012 [12 favorites]

The cute dark-eyed law student who had been getting a conspicuous number of double expressos from me during my shift finally asked me out, so we decided to meet up at a little wine bar one night. As I got settled in my barstool and we exchanged pleasantries, I started looking around the bar for a napkin to get rid of the gum I'd been enjoying on my walk in.

"Oh here, I'll take it," he said.

Um, oh, no need - I'll just scrounge up a bar napkin or something... you don't have to throw away my old Wrigley for me -

"No, really, here, I'll take care of it for you. I insist."

With great hesistation, I take my gum out and put it in his outstretched palm.

He pops the slimy little thing in his mouth and starts chewing.

And without dropping a beat, proceeds to go on a long rant about how I am a brown-ish person in America, and he is a brown-ish person in America, and as such, our minds are constantly in danger of being terrorized by the White Man, and we must fight the oppression, and the whole time I am just watching that piece of gum that I was chewing be squished and chomped and brutally masticated in the mouth of a dark-eyed law student I no longer found cute in aaaaany way at all.
posted by sestaaak at 5:31 PM on February 6, 2012 [24 favorites]

I was nineteen; she was in several of my classes at the local community college. I knew she was older because of the multiple references to her daughter, but wasn't sure how much older...

Moment (a) came when she made me guess at just how old she was: turned out Daughter was 6 and she was herself 31, but while at the time the age difference was problematic, it was really the guessing game that did it.
Moment (b) was when she invited me back to her place, but it had to be during the afternoon: she was planning to leave Daughter's father, but hadn't gotten around to it yet, and was in fact still sleeping with him.
(B) was pretty much a clincher, but whatever doubt remained was erased when we had to stop and pick up her Daughter from the school bus stop later that afternoon.

That was October, I believe, of what turned out to be one awkward semester.
posted by FlyingMonkey at 9:46 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

I love everyone in ~~this bar~~ this thread.

Also, any time anyone ever does this:

(づ￣ ³￣)づ
and you're all
ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ
posted by zennish at 1:00 AM on February 7, 2012 [13 favorites]

He called his penis "Mr Happy." And I don't even mean he referred to his penis as... He talked to it.

Also he explained to me that I was a bad whore-slut who had made him want sex earlier in the relationship than he was morally comfortable with, and I needed to work on being less of a temptation. Unless it was some genetic predisposition to immorality, which would explain why my mother had got pregnant as a teenager.
posted by lollusc at 2:18 AM on February 7, 2012 [4 favorites]

When I went Christmas shopping for my father with my sister, he went off to see his ex-girlfriend and tried to kiss her (she was dating someone else, and told him to get out of her car). He didn't say a word to me about it. I found out via her blog that evening.
posted by autoclavicle at 5:04 AM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]

AMSBoethius: "Granted, I'd just divulged some important information, but I thought there was a good chance she'd be open minded about it"

I need more context here. How bad was the info?
posted by I am the Walrus at 7:18 AM on February 7, 2012

I saw a guy once for a few weeks, and we seemed to hit it off. I was starting to properly like him, when I got a text from him one day saying that "he needed some space because he'd been feeling suicidal for a few months". I've had a few mental health issues over the years so I wished him luck and said I hoped he got better soon. I was a bit annoyed at the fact he couldn't even call me, instead sending me a text message like he was going to be late for the cinema or something, but hey.

So, it's over and I move on. Not very far, as there wasn't really that far to move. I'm at work one day, sitting at the checkout, when he comes up to me to be served. It's only a small shop, but there is another till in a different location in the store that he could have used. He completely blanked me. Didn't make eye contact, didn't talk, didn't even respond when I asked if he wanted a bag. So he went from my "acquaintances list" to my "people who are arseholes" list. He didn't want to talk to me, fair enough, but why come in the shop where I work and then come to me to be served when there were other options?

Anyway, he's on my PWAA list. A few weeks later, I'm standing at the other till with my manager, chatting about something that I don't recall. I hear his rather high-pitched voice in the shop, turn around and see him coming to me to be served. In a 180-degree change, he completely overshared about his treatment regimen, how he'd had to be taken to hospital, what he'd had done there, etcetera etcetera. I had to stand there and try to be professional with someone who was behaving in a rather difficult-to-handle manner, with the added bonus of him having done sundry interesting thing to my anatomy. All while my manager looked on, trying not to laugh.

I guess it was over when he dumped me, but I wish it had stayed over right then.
posted by Solomon at 7:19 AM on February 7, 2012

We ordered bagels and he got chopped liver on his. I thought, I am too young to be with someone who eats chopped liver. I ended it a few days later. The liver being the straw that broke the camel's back. He also never learned to spell my name right. Oh, one time he wore my pants to class AND THEY LOOKED BETTER ON HIM. He was really sweet when I broke up with him.

Sounds like you goofed. Liver and/or dyslexia are not dealbreakers. CALL HIM.

one time he wore my pants to class AND THEY LOOKED BETTER ON HIM.

Again, don't hate the player; improve your game.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:06 AM on February 7, 2012 [3 favorites]

It's too bad Seinfeld is over. This thread has at least another ten seasons in it.
posted by cmoj at 10:22 AM on February 7, 2012 [5 favorites]

This is probably another one that reveals more about me than about them, but: I knew it was over when on my first and only visit to her house I watched her try to hang a poster up on her wall. She was using this cheap off-brand scotch tape and it kept peeling off the wall or the corner of the poster would rip off or the tape would get twisted or wrapped around her finger but instead of stopping and getting some thumbtacks or some of that blue putty stuff or at least some better tape or letting me help at all she just kept glomming more and more of this ineffective plastic tape onto the corners and eventually all the way around the edges of the poster in big untidy wads and finally left the thing sort of rumpled and dangling by three off-kilter corners over her bed where it would eventually fall down on top of us while she was describing for me in detail her latest therapy appointment.

It wasn't so much the poster itself as her apparent mood throughout the process. If she'd gotten flustered or annoyed or angry or made jokes about it or gotten embarrassed or given up or been all DAMMIT I WILL HANG THIS POSTER SO THERE any of those would have made sense to me; but she barely seemed to react; she just didn't seem to notice anything unusual about the situation. This was just how the world worked for her. All the other posters in the room had been hung the same way.

Aftermath: a couple months later her younger sister, who I had never met, accosted me in public to yell at me for just generally being a terrible evil person and for, I guess, breaking up with her sister. (To be fair I hadn't handled the breakup very well; I just tried to slink away quietly and never speak to her again, which I rationalized to myself as we'd only been on one date and even that was sort of ambiguous as far as is this a real "date" or just a visit in her house, but even so that was in retrospect pretty cowardly of me.)
posted by ook at 11:48 AM on February 7, 2012 [4 favorites]

I realized what a food snob I was when I couldn't bring myself to go out on another date with the guy who was disappointed that the restaurant didn't have American for his cheeseburger.
posted by mlle valentine at 12:58 PM on February 7, 2012 [3 favorites]

Mu wife, when we met, would not watch a black and white movie, because she'd had the well poisoned by Cary Grant too many times, and they were "boring." It took me like 5 years to get her to sit still for A Streetcar Named Desire, after which she finally admitted that yes, perhaps, people were creating art in the motion picture medium before color was ubiquitous.

Where I couldn't have got past someone thinking Cary Grant could ever "poison the well." Vive la différence.
posted by Bookhouse at 1:35 PM on February 7, 2012 [12 favorites]

I was home with the flu; it was the middle of the evening. He texted to ask if I wanted him to bring chicken soup over. I demurred, since (a) he was all the way across town and I knew he was very close to a big deadline for a grad school project and thus didn't really have time to spare, and (b) I just really wanted to sleep and I knew if he came over he'd want to stick around for a while, which frankly I didn't have the energy for.

He called me back a minute later and snippily told me that if I couldn't let him care for me, we had no future and that was it.

Didn't stop him from trying to start it up again a few more times thereafter, but I think I quickly learned that arm's length from crazy is best.
posted by psoas at 2:06 PM on February 7, 2012 [7 favorites]

Where I couldn't have got past someone thinking Cary Grant could ever "poison the well." Vive la différence

Back when I still drank, I went on a Stinger drinking spree thanks to Mr. Grant, but I think if I'd tried to make her watch Kiss Them For Me instead of Streetcar, she'd probably have her own "I knew it was over when..." story to tell about that weird guy who liked the dumb movie.
posted by Devils Rancher at 3:20 PM on February 7, 2012

My very first somewhat-long-term relationship happened when I was in my late twenties. I was an independent, college-educated, living-alone feminist and he was a partner in his family's cabinetmaking business where all eight kids worked together with their parents and he lived across the street from the shop with a couple of his brothers. The relationship was sort of long distance since we lived about an hour apart.

Since we both hated the phone we corresponded during the week via email and spent weekends together. His mother had raised 8 adult children and my grandmother - who was about the same age as his mother - had raised 7 adult children. One week, for some reason, we got into an email argument about who was more feminist, my grandmother or his mother and it got really heated. I don't remember all the details, but I do know that when he came to visit me at the weekend, he had printed out all my emails and stacked them on a clipboard. He then proceeded to revisit each of my points, one by one, and try to convince me that his mother was more of a feminist.

We stayed together for almost a year after that but seriously, it was the clipboard that did me in.
posted by bendy at 9:57 PM on February 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

This, uh... this sounds like the kind of thing I might do.

No wonder I'm single.

Here I've been assuming that my inability to roll with random touching is the reason I'm still single. I get really weird about hugs too, which makes me sad. It pretty much goes like this: OH is it time to do the awkward side hug dance? oh gosh now we've been standing looking each other for a second too long and now you'll never try to hug me again noooooo
posted by sockomatic at 2:50 AM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

See, I prefer the version where one thing happens and I cut to the end. Like the girl who ate only the fudgey parts of my Moosetracks ice cream, leaving me plain vanilla, so I broke up with her.

Or like the girl who, when I was driving my car, listening to my MP3 player, turned off my favorite band to plug in her iPod while saying "It's time for some classic Panic!" Meaning Panic at the Disco. For which she turned off Clutch, who is my favorite band. Turning off Clutch is one thing, doing so without asking another, but for Panic at the Disco? Man.

Neither was the actual reason for ending the relationship, but each makes a fun story.
posted by Turkey Glue at 7:22 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

"The zipper thing? He was utterly mortified at the time and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, thinking "I'll make a joke!" but not realizing how deadpan and un-jokey he came across."

Oh man, my deadpan has gotten me into SO much trouble. Honestly, I usually don't even make it to the first date, for that or any of a number of other reasons.

I've not really had these "taquito" moments, more a nagging sensation that lots of little things were going to add up. But, you know, I was probably just holding out for perfect and should be happy with what I had, or something. I'm kinda glad I kept looking, even if it took awhile. Dated someone for sexual compatibility, dated someone with almost perfect cultural compatibility (liked all the same things), but man, it's just so nice to find someone you're perfectly comfortable with.
posted by Eideteker at 11:01 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

When we had a screaming match over whether Neal's Stephenson's concept of the Metaverse from Snow Crash was superior to William Gibson's Cyberspace in Neuromancer.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:13 PM on February 8, 2012 [5 favorites]

If you like a more lengthly version of this sort of thing I enjoy the GOOD rotating feature "It was over when..."
posted by phearlez at 9:58 AM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Whups, I meant the feature is called "Dealbreaker" and is also it-was-over-when sort of stories.
posted by phearlez at 9:59 AM on February 9, 2012

If you like a more lengthly version of this sort of thing I enjoy the GOOD rotating feature "It was over when..."

And now week two of not getting any work done. Thanks, phearlez! Great stuff.
posted by Melismata at 12:44 PM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

When we spent the weekend with his college buddies and after they drank all night, going back to crash on the floor of someone's apartment and they put on porn.

One girl (me) and four drunk guys watching porn. Hours from home.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:06 PM on February 9, 2012

When she drunkenly (very) climbed in my bedroom window and fell in a heap on the floor at 2am because she was convinced she was going to find someone else in my bed with me. I was alone. This was about three months into a relationship that lasted about another 2 until one of her friends told me that she'd started shagging someone else as some sort of weird, fucked up, pre-emptive strike because she was convinced that I was going to cheat on her anyway.

Different girl: When we were having one of the very final "I am so fucking done I don't even care anymore" arguments and she just went fucking BATSHIT because she couldn't get me even slightly angry about what she wanted to argue about and started hitting me around the face in a frenzy. And all I could think about while holding her hands to stop her hitting me was about how I'd get my stuff out of the house without her burning it or smashing it up. Planning packing while trying to prevent yourself getting smacked in the face shows a certain lack of emotional investment in the relationship, I concluded.
posted by Brockles at 7:52 AM on February 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

all I could think about while holding her hands to stop her hitting me was about how I'd get my stuff out of the house without her burning it or smashing it up. Planning packing while trying to prevent yourself getting smacked in the face shows a certain lack of emotional investment in the relationship, I concluded.

When you realize that your erotic fantasies all revolve around "being with a sane person," you know something's gone horribly wrong.
posted by verb at 11:20 AM on February 10, 2012 [16 favorites]

After college, I went traveling for a few weeks. My best friend and her boyfriend were also traveling, and we arranged to meet up for a day in Switzerland. It was a gorgeous day, with the sun shining, and snow on the mountains, and a bit of a breeze. We decided to take a ferry around a lake for a few hours, just to have a chance to catch up and do something non-touristy. We had picked up lunch supplies, including wine, cheese, baguette and little olives. After lunch, her boyfriend got out the receipt for the purchases, and started dividing up the bill. My friend and I said, let's just split the cost, or forget about it, we'll buy dinner tonight! But he insisted and was trying to figure out how many olives we'd each eaten and how much wine we'd each had, so the bill could be accurate. We're talking, maybe $20 for the entire bill.

By this time it was getting a little heated, and the nice Swiss passengers were staring at the annoying American kids fighting about money. Finally, we got him to agree just to put it aside, and we'd split it evenly later. He acquiesced, but then said to his girlfriend, "Oh but you owe $5.50 more because you had to buy tampons and condoms." My friend went beat red and I giggled, saying, "If you insist on splitting 50/50, aren't the condoms for both of you?" Straight-faced, he announced, "But she's the one who doesn't want to get pregnant!!" Everyone on the deck was looking at us, but he continued, "There's no way in hell I'm paying for her tampons or her condoms!"

And my friend and I looked at each other, and we, and the entire ship, knew it was o-v-e-r.

As for me, a guy was going down on me, and I looked over at the nightstand, and saw a bag of M&M's. Without thinking, I grabbed the bag and started eating a few. Surprised, he kind of looked up at me and asked, "Hungry??" and I said, "No, just kinda bored."

And... end scene.

M&Ms still make me laugh.
posted by barnone at 5:23 PM on February 10, 2012 [26 favorites]

oh and, when he held me down on the floor and gave me two black eyes. I can't believe I ever loved him. How could I have been with him for so long and not know he might do something like that to me.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 11:24 PM on February 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh god Barnone, I think maybe I dated that same guy. He refused to buy condoms because he said it was like paying for sex. Such a keeper...
posted by Arethusa at 1:23 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

As for me, a guy was going down on me, and I looked over at the nightstand, and saw a bag of M&M's. Without thinking, I grabbed the bag and started eating a few. Surprised, he kind of looked up at me and asked, "Hungry??" and I said, "No, just kinda bored."

Yes, he should have dumped you sooner.
posted by Grangousier at 2:43 AM on February 13, 2012 [11 favorites]

I took him to an awesome restaurant run by a little old lady who had velvet Elvis paintings all over the walls and old-school arcade games. He refused to stay when she said that she didn't have milk, and we went to some chain restaurant instead. Milk. He was 31, not a toddler with a sippy cup.

He would, however, only make my husband seem that much more attractive in comparison when I would meet him several months later.
posted by sugarbomb at 12:38 PM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yes, he should have dumped you sooner.
Gimme a break, we were young, and I was so not into him. It's one thing to laugh at the foibles of others, but in my book, it seems a bit ridiculous to go through my life with blinders on, pretending that I've always acted perfectly. Live and learn, ya know?
posted by barnone at 3:22 PM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]

I knew it was over when my chubby, bearded, glasses-wearing boyfriend put straws in his mouth to pretend he was a walrus. After that, all I could think of was,
"Oh god, I've been fucking an Arctic marine mammal."

Horrifying curiosity involving online videos of "the life of walruses" confirmed my loathing.
posted by DisreputableDog at 9:31 PM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

I knew it was over again when another boyfriend, with political aspirations, responded to my atheism with something like, "You might have to rethink that if you plan on being a politician's wife."

Though he also actually broke up with -me- with the words,
"I can't deal with the fact that you're both smart and beautiful."

I think he tried to make his breaking up with me a compliment, but it (thankfully) revealed his true intentions in that he was just looking for a trophy.
posted by DisreputableDog at 9:42 PM on February 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

DisreputableDog: "Horrifying curiosity involving online videos of "the life of walruses" confirmed my loathing."

WHAT?!?
posted by I am the Walrus at 8:47 AM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

"You might have to rethink that if you plan on being a politician's wife."

The flip-side of this

Him: I'm just not ruling out maybe running for office someday.
Me: If you do that I'll become a stripper just to spite you. I don't want to be a politician's wife.
Him: ...
Me: ...
posted by jessamyn at 8:50 AM on February 14, 2012 [20 favorites]

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! I don't care if you become a stripper. Well, maybe a little.
posted by not_on_display at 3:28 PM on February 14, 2012 [8 favorites]

You two should reverse this. Mostly because I would take a perverse pleasure in being able to say that I "knew" a stripper named not-on-display.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:34 PM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

Well he never made it to public office, but wow, those fundraising dinners!
posted by ODiV at 3:46 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maybe we need a kickstarter project? How much $$$ does the talent need for this to happen? The world needs a full display of not_on_display.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:16 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's Raining Florence Henderson: "You two should reverse this. Mostly because I would take a perverse pleasure in being able to say that I "knew" a stripper named not-on-display."

Meatbomb: "Maybe we need a kickstarter project? How much $$$ does the talent need for this to happen? The world needs a full display of not_on_display."

Please cut the quotation marks currently around "knew" and place them around "talent."

My sweetie and I were hanging out with her sister and her sister's boyfriend, and sweetie says, "Oh hey, let's see the pics on my computer on the big-screen TV!" and we're all like "YEAH!" cause she's a great and prolific picture-taker. 10 minutes later, there's one picture of me on the big screen, pretty_much_on_display. Sweetie's like, "WHOOP! SKIP THIS ONE!" and clicks forward with good speed. She'd forgotten to take that one novelty out of the main directory. Luckily, we were all able to laugh about it quickly and move on.

"Talent" is free. And IRFH "knows" of a stripper named not_on_display.
posted by not_on_display at 9:17 PM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

DisreputableDog: "I knew it was over again when another boyfriend, with political aspirations, responded to my atheism with something like, "You might have to rethink that if you plan on being a politician's wife.""

The same girl who thought I was "reading into" The Big Lebowski also told me that she would never vote for me if I ran for public office. Because of my atheism.
posted by brundlefly at 9:43 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I passed #5 on the sidewalk yesterday, on my way home to spend a lovely Valentine's evening with my wife. #5 was on her way to yoga.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:04 AM on February 15, 2012

"Some day I'll learn to read."

Some day, I'll learn to write.
posted by Eideteker at 11:35 AM on February 16, 2012

Some day, my prints will come.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:41 AM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

...off of this fucking gun

(That's how I've always sung it...)
posted by Eideteker at 12:26 PM on February 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

"Here I've been assuming that my inability to roll with random touching is the reason I'm still single. I get really weird about hugs too, which makes me sad."

I'm sort of in-between here. Like, meaningful touches? I'm super-picky about. But jokey stuff like bugs in someone's hair? Totally cool with.

(And showbiz_liz can pick imaginary bugs from my hair anytime. She's well cute!)
posted by Eideteker at 12:29 PM on February 16, 2012

She was talking about an ex and said that he was into biking and said that if she saw him and she was in her car, she would run him down. Foolishly, I took it as hyperbole. Later, after it was over a friend said, "she's a real bunny boiler, huh?" Yeah, you should've told me earlier.
posted by plinth at 8:44 AM on February 17, 2012

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