Don't Be That Guy at the Gym!
April 20, 2012 1:27 PM   Subscribe

 
I don't know if she was a Noob or (more likely) someone desperately seeking attention, but I once saw a girl push the bench out of the way, put the soles of her feet on the handles of the bench press machine and do a few leg presses lying on her back.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:43 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


All I know is, always lift with the back.
posted by not_on_display at 1:49 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


The most embarrassing thing I've seen at the gym was the middle-aged guy who used a young woman as a weight. The most annoying? The dressed up guys who wore fancy sweaters with their sweatpants and spent more time talking with each other than actually working out.

Myself, I'm totally the noob who's too embarrassed/awkward to properly exercise. And how bad isn't it standing next to an elderly person on the treadmill and not being able to match their level of stamina. I haven't been to the gym for a year.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:50 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think I may be the face, but I argue that I'm not getting the full benefit of the rep without fully activating the corresponding facial muscles. It's my weightlifting mie.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:58 PM on April 20, 2012


This video forgot the guy on steroids who blares his music so loud through his headphones that you can hear it from opposite sides of the gym.
posted by Evernix at 1:59 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'll take two of each of these guys if someone will please nuke from orbit the 75 year-old women wearing perfume that befoul everything they touch with their fucking stink.
posted by docpops at 2:05 PM on April 20, 2012 [6 favorites]


That poor Face. He's not hurting anyone, let him make his faces.

Face, I believe in you
posted by Greg Nog at 2:07 PM on April 20, 2012 [30 favorites]


That was well done. They need a follow-up featuring Sweatleaver, Random Barbell Placer and Lech.
posted by Blue Meanie at 2:08 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


Evernix, I think that's Meathead.
posted by matt_od at 2:08 PM on April 20, 2012


We found a use for our Meatheads.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:11 PM on April 20, 2012


Oh yeah, everybody at my gym is a meathead. Except that meatheads don't do squats, even in the Smith. They do use squat racks, though. For doing curls.

And then every set ends with a shirt-lift to check out their abs.
posted by uncleozzy at 2:17 PM on April 20, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am also a "the face". Certain levels of strength can only be attained with the right facial expression.
posted by beau jackson at 2:18 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


The only guy I have a real problem with is the naked guy doing fancy yoga stretches in the steam room. Maybe he doesn't see me because of the steam, but I'm literally three feet behind him. Halp!
posted by cazoo at 2:21 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


Face, I believe in you

To be fair, that is easy to do when you have photographic proof. Think of the deep belief of all the tl;dwers that take the Face on faith alone!
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:27 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm probably the Face too. As to sweat-leavers; I am now old enough and mean enough that I will publicly chastise men who do this. We had one meathead who was notorious for leaving stuff just gross, and all it too was one time of me saying "Dude, I didn't marry you or give birth to you, I am sure as fuck not cleaning up after you, or sitting in a pool of your ball sweat. This is a towel, this is cleaner, get to it."
posted by dejah420 at 2:47 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am most certainly a Face. I did not know this was a bad thing, though I can see that it can be taken to an extreme. Is there a type that taps their feet to the beat of the music playing on their iPod, because I am that person as well. I should get my shit together of just stay home.
posted by docpops at 2:48 PM on April 20, 2012


I too, am "The Face".

The one not represented was "The StenchMaster". You know, that guy who's power shield of odor commands a 15 foot radial exclusion zone. You'd like to tell him to wash his gym clothes, but you fear going anywhere near him would require a half tube of toothpaste to get the taste out of your mouth.
posted by The Power Nap at 2:54 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am now old enough and mean enough that I will publicly chastise men who do this

I assure you, it's not just men. I've personally seen a woman leave the biggest puddle of nasty I've ever seen on and around a stationary bike. Fortunately, there was another woman there who immediately called her out on it.
posted by deadmessenger at 2:55 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


If I could do what the Show Off could do, I'd do it all the time
posted by Lucinda at 3:06 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


Don't Be That Awkward Runner
posted by Ian A.T. at 3:26 PM on April 20, 2012


No list like this can be complete without Mr 520-Pickup. He's the meathead who leaves an ocean of plates on the ground around the squat rack, or who leaves his massive load of weights on the bar.

F*** that guy. Seriously.
posted by Decimask at 4:14 PM on April 20, 2012 [6 favorites]


My Three Peevers:
  • Guy With No Understanding Of Numeric Order Who Thinks That A 45 Pound Handweight Should Totally Be Down There With The Twenty Pounders
  • Woman (Though Occasionally A Fellow) Who Just Sits On The Exercise Bicycle And Reads People And Never Sweats One Little Bit
  • Myself, For Being So Fucking Weak.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 4:25 PM on April 20, 2012


Dude's wearing a Royal Rangers headband LOL!

(For those who don't know - RR is the Assemblies of God version of Boy Scouts).
posted by symbioid at 4:30 PM on April 20, 2012


I always love the super loud grunting guy. He's got honey badger levels of don't give a fuck.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:38 PM on April 20, 2012 [3 favorites]


I try to be all five.
posted by Mental Wimp at 5:23 PM on April 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


The one not represented was "The StenchMaster". You know, that guy who's power shield of odor commands a 15 foot radial exclusion zone.

Oh man, we have one of those at the little fitness room in my office building. His sins are more than just his strict onion-an-asparagus diet, though. He also insists on turning Fox News up to its maximum volume at all times, makes random hooting and wooing noises, and even though he's on the treadmill set to '2' he chides those around him for not "running" like he does ("Stairs? Not for me! I love to runnnn!"). The topper? He doesn't even work in the building. His office moved across the street, but he kept his access card.

I considered it a test of my dictum to not hate on people who mean well every time I resisted the urge to call security to have him escorted from the premises at best (attacking him with free-weights at worst). After one particularly hooty and Fox Newsy session where I couldn't hear the podcast I was trying to listen to over my headphones, I told him that 1) I knew he technically shouldn't be here and that 2) I work out between 1 and 2 so that's exactly when he should not be here. Ever.

So that's how I became a gym bully. Next up? The women that use an iPhone workout app who flip out if you are using a particular station on the weight machine when the robot voice tells them they need it.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:41 PM on April 20, 2012 [3 favorites]


I do my lightweight incompetence in my squat rack in the garage, so have never been exposed to any of these people - but I still know, in my heart, that they exist.
posted by tumid dahlia at 6:35 PM on April 20, 2012


Woman (Though Occasionally A Fellow) Who Just Sits On The Exercise Bicycle And Reads People And Never Sweats One Little Bit

I think that person is a special subset of the Procrastinator, the person who hates their job/commute/family/life so much that they camp out in the gym for hours just to read closed-captioned television. They mean well and are generally harmless except when they're camped out on the equipment you want to use in your limited workout time.
posted by peeedro at 7:51 PM on April 20, 2012


Girl, look at that body.

(i don't work out)
posted by davejay at 8:08 PM on April 20, 2012


What drives me crazy is the 'sitting on the equipment doing nothing' person. I go to a small gym and work out at lunch. I have to complete my workout before the end of lunchtime to go back to work.
There are different variations of this:

1. Weights with waits
These guys read somewhere to do so many reps of a certain weight, then wait five minutes, and do the next set at the new weight. They want to lose the equipment during the wait, so they just sit there for the five minute wait. I saw one guy doing this who brought a book! If they are using a really light weight then I know they are going to repeat this process at least five times.

2. Shoot the breeze
They start a workout. Then their friend comes over to talk. So they stop and talk, often for a very long time, while still at the equipment.

3. Rest (even sleep)
They had a hard workout, but they finally finished, and they are tired. They rest, at the machine!

For better or worse, gym equipment is shared. Don't tie it up if you aren't using it!
posted by eye of newt at 9:22 PM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


don't want to lose the equipment during the wait.
posted by eye of newt at 9:26 PM on April 20, 2012


Don't tie it up if you aren't using it!

Yes, you are right. But it's really not hard to politely ask if you can work in.
posted by grouse at 10:25 PM on April 20, 2012


Stenchmasters are the worst. We need stink-o-meters in gyms which only allow shower access until stink levels are normal. I hate walking though somebody's vapor trail.
posted by benzenedream at 10:55 PM on April 20, 2012


I got real lucky, I started working out at the gym with a buddy of mine who was a trainer; he soon pointed out all of these types and was pretty determined that I not be one of them, I know I benefited from that. He told me if I was grunting and/or moaning and/or doing goofy faces, I was beyond my current capabilities, drop back a few pounds -- form was *all* with this guy, discipline.

Regardless that, I suspect I've done some of The Face thing. The look he gave me when I did some loud grunting at the first was enough to cure me of that one, for sure -- he had utter contempt for the meatheads. I agree.

The sweaty ones -- ugh. One guy was so, so disgusting, we got him tossed from the gym, eventually. It was an affectation, it's not like he was blind, not like he wasn't aware of what he was doing -- apparently he thought it made him look cool, or diligent, or something. What it made him look like was a hemorrhoid. What a dope!

I don't do the gym anymore -- when I joined it was World Gym, it was spotless, immaculate, bright, kept really well, all the weights and machines in great shape. Then Gold bought them out and it fell almost immediately and it fell far, the machines were gross and not taken care of, it got dank and it stank, it seems that Golds is the McDonalds of gyms, or it was here in Austin and in cities I visited, too. I miss it but yoga is a better fit anyways, for this old body and for my personality, too.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:06 PM on April 20, 2012


Yes, you are right. But it's really not hard to politely ask if you can work in.--grouse

I have, and many are nice about it. Others give me angry stares or outright refusals "I'm doing several sets!" The angry stares last for the duration of the workout.
posted by eye of newt at 12:58 AM on April 21, 2012


None of these people bother me. "Meatheads" are usually not actually aggro dicks, and doing a clean-and-jerk loudly doesn't chap my hide. "Show-offs" do cool shit that breaks up the monotony of lifting. Everyone is a "noob" at some point. And poor beleaguered "face" is fine the way he is.

Okay, you got me, the "coach" can go fuck himself.
posted by en forme de poire at 3:09 AM on April 21, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am totally The Face. And it's permanently stuck on "seizure". Oh well.

The ones who really piss me off are a combo of the noob and the meathead. They are so enormously huge and muscular that using equipment for its intended purpose is beneath them. So I have to wait half an hour for the squat cage (to do squats in) because they are using it for bicep curls, despite the fact we have a million free dumbbells going up to large enough weights for anyone.
posted by lollusc at 2:01 AM on April 22, 2012


I have, and many are nice about it. Others give me angry stares or outright refusals "I'm doing several sets!" The angry stares last for the duration of the workout.

Yes, and then they post about people on set workout plans who freak out when forced to deviate. Generally when people are being a dick they don't realize they're being a dick.
posted by Phalene at 7:45 AM on April 22, 2012


My club has a guy who will just stare at you if you're using the machine he wants. He won't say a word. Doesn't ask to work in.

Christ almighty, these's 20 other open machines and he has to pull this shit? What a creep. I double my sets.
posted by qsysopr at 11:17 AM on April 22, 2012


....How about the people who take one of the only three bottles of cleaner from the stand, wipe down their machine, and then carry it around with them while they work out? I do want to wipe down the machine, but I always have to go on a whole cleaner-bottle hunt only to find that all three bottles are huddled around these three buddies who are all bench-pressing and talking smack with each other.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:19 PM on April 23, 2012


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