"The marketers have triumphed. Movies are franchises, politics are relentlessly market-tested, and everyone talks like an idiot."
August 9, 2012 3:30 PM Subscribe
Yesterday, I went to the American Idol for startups. It made me want to die. "But, oh, my God, the terrible things these people do to words. It’s like watching some sadist work over a baby lamb with a rusty crowbar and a broken gin bottle. The names of these startups sound like the products of an aggressive brain tumor on the frontal lobe. Crowdegy, Placeling, Kouply, QuoteRobot, Appthwack, Makegood, Onthego, Nickler, Kahal, Tanzio, Taskk. They’re all whimsical and unique in exactly the same way."
They’ve paid $40 to $80 a head so that they can “network” and “ideate” together.
Ha! We paid only $5 a head, and I bet we are more ideaterly than those guys!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:43 PM on August 9, 2012 [34 favorites]
Ha! We paid only $5 a head, and I bet we are more ideaterly than those guys!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:43 PM on August 9, 2012 [34 favorites]
This guy's just pissed off because he didn't study CS or business, rendering him ineligible for the big bucks.
He's also right about the startup names and buzzwords. If the naysayers are right, and the current tech prosperity IS a bubble, at least every goddamn company that ends in "ly" will go out of business.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:44 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
He's also right about the startup names and buzzwords. If the naysayers are right, and the current tech prosperity IS a bubble, at least every goddamn company that ends in "ly" will go out of business.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:44 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
Oh man, this is the world I live in everyday as a consultant. I'm always the one trying to prune the nonsense out of proposals and presentations but it seldom works. Some days I shake my head so often I get dizzy.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to go leverage some frozen green beans into dinner.
posted by idest at 3:44 PM on August 9, 2012 [32 favorites]
Now if you'll excuse me I need to go leverage some frozen green beans into dinner.
posted by idest at 3:44 PM on August 9, 2012 [32 favorites]
And as a critic, it bugs me that these apps are presented in charisma-free pitches, dumbed-down versions of the evangelical corporate slide show that Steve Jobs popularized starting in 2001 when he unveiled the iPod.
Guy needs to stop ranting and quit the "critic" business. Life's too short to be bitter because people won't conform to some impossible Jobsian ideal that you've constructed in your head.
Meanwhile, if you're desperate for some Jesus Juice you should know that there are tons of startups in, for example, the life sciences, biotech and clean energy that are creating things of great value and making the world a better place.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:45 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Guy needs to stop ranting and quit the "critic" business. Life's too short to be bitter because people won't conform to some impossible Jobsian ideal that you've constructed in your head.
Meanwhile, if you're desperate for some Jesus Juice you should know that there are tons of startups in, for example, the life sciences, biotech and clean energy that are creating things of great value and making the world a better place.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:45 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Now if you'll excuse me I need to go leverage some frozen green beans into dinner.
Don't you mean that you need to leverage those frozen green beans to spearhead your dinner goals moving forward?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:47 PM on August 9, 2012 [78 favorites]
Don't you mean that you need to leverage those frozen green beans to spearhead your dinner goals moving forward?
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:47 PM on August 9, 2012 [78 favorites]
wankr
posted by brappi at 3:49 PM on August 9, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by brappi at 3:49 PM on August 9, 2012 [16 favorites]
Oh god it is exactly like this. On the flip side, and I've thought about building a post around this, the nation's largest public pension fund (CalPERS) is basically exiting from all future venture investments because as an asset class VC hasn't delivered for over a decade. Another huge LP published a white paper admitting not only that VC hasn't beat the public markets since they 90s and it's the investor's fault for giving them too much cash and too long a leash. When you really look at success stories, and sorry nothing handy here, you'll find that most employees of a successful start-up only end up doing alright. They would do the same or better just working for Google and the hours would be better. It's a totally broken model.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:50 PM on August 9, 2012 [17 favorites]
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:50 PM on August 9, 2012 [17 favorites]
At least his parody names are pretty funny: Mehole, Kaprah, Yimmy, Blanter, Catzap, Dunzyinonezy, Simplert, Lustaminate.
posted by straight at 3:51 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by straight at 3:51 PM on August 9, 2012
catzap sounds like something I could use but it will probably just be an app to find the nearest frozen yogurt or something. Bait and switch man.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:52 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:52 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
He's also right about the startup names and buzzwords. If the naysayers are right, and the current tech prosperity IS a bubble, at least every goddamn company that ends in "ly" will go out of business.
Heh. But you know what? I remember the 90s and how every software was called Something Pro 2000 or Software Wizard Manager Plus, which is infinitely more terrible. I'm pretty stoked that startups embrace customer service, uxd, marketing and other disciplines that prioritize customers, ease of use and communication.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
Heh. But you know what? I remember the 90s and how every software was called Something Pro 2000 or Software Wizard Manager Plus, which is infinitely more terrible. I'm pretty stoked that startups embrace customer service, uxd, marketing and other disciplines that prioritize customers, ease of use and communication.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
These all pale beside my startup: Thaumaturgy. I have no idea what it does, but it's going to be bloody miraculous. Want healing? Thaumaturgy will do that. Need to find that thing that you can't remember what it is? Thaumaturgy will also do that. Need to find a partner? Thaumaturgy is there!
Every membership comes with a portion of the True Cross. Platinum memberships also get a fragment of the skull of Joseph of Arimathea. Or St. Brigid's finger.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 3:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [13 favorites]
Every membership comes with a portion of the True Cross. Platinum memberships also get a fragment of the skull of Joseph of Arimathea. Or St. Brigid's finger.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 3:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [13 favorites]
Or maybe I should go with Thaumaturgly instead. Just to go with the flow.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 3:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by lesbiassparrow at 3:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [19 favorites]
I worked for a very small software company for about a year in the late '90s. The bulk of my duties entailed going to meetings and conventions to network on behalf of the company. I was spectacularly ill-suited to this task, and every minute of these business hoedowns made me want to die. At first I would sit there and think it would make for a good drinking game to sip every time someone handed me a stupid tchotchke with their firm's logo on it, described something pathetically inconsequential as an "exciting opportunity" or smiled juuuust a little too widely as we chatted. Then I started putting gin in my plastic bottle of orange juice for real. If I hadn't found a new job in a completely different field not long after that I'd probably be telling this story at AA meetings.
posted by "But who are the Chefs?" at 3:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by "But who are the Chefs?" at 3:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [19 favorites]
"Jargon. I hate it. The End."
posted by jocelmeow at 4:02 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by jocelmeow at 4:02 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]
I figure the names are the way they are because of DNS and google.
posted by smcameron at 4:03 PM on August 9, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by smcameron at 4:03 PM on August 9, 2012 [13 favorites]
Well some of them are crazy but I don't know how many of these are real llcs with a lawyer and shares and a board and how many are just a couple kids who knocked together something with RoR and put it up on heroku and now they have a startup. the bizspeek is kinda funny but really who cares, each industry has jargon. I just hope they don't buy into their own hype too much and start thinking they really are rockstar ninja pirates.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:04 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by Ad hominem at 4:04 PM on August 9, 2012
I won't attempt here to predict which startup ideas are good and which are not, but I will say that the number of talented engineers and managers who can build these ideas quickly, flexibly, and well is not large enough to staff more than, perhaps, one in twenty startups.
posted by zippy at 4:04 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by zippy at 4:04 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
Actual conversation I had yesterday with a friend about his non-work project--
K: "I want to install this in such a way that I can leverage it going forward."
T: "You know, I've been out of the business world for a blissful seven weeks now..."
K: "I want to use it again later."
T: "Thank you."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:06 PM on August 9, 2012 [49 favorites]
K: "I want to install this in such a way that I can leverage it going forward."
T: "You know, I've been out of the business world for a blissful seven weeks now..."
K: "I want to use it again later."
T: "Thank you."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:06 PM on August 9, 2012 [49 favorites]
TERD Talks
posted by hal9k at 4:06 PM on August 9, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by hal9k at 4:06 PM on August 9, 2012 [10 favorites]
Yeah right? I see like 10 startups a day post on HN about how they have some sort of rockstar team and they are tackling hard problems using the hippest newest technology and it turns out they have like a web based message passing API.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:07 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by Ad hominem at 4:07 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]
I would invest in a business called Catzap.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 4:07 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 4:07 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]
Meanwhile, if you're desperate for some Jesus Juice you should know that there are tons of startups in, for example, the life sciences, biotech and clean energy that are creating things of great value and making the world a better place.
Unfortunately cleantech and biotech funding are both way down to the point where even good founders with great ideas are being turned away and this is hugely bad for the future in my opinion (or proof that we cannot rely on the markets to solve major problems. Also those kind of founders wouldn't be at this meat market.
posted by 2bucksplus at 4:08 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately cleantech and biotech funding are both way down to the point where even good founders with great ideas are being turned away and this is hugely bad for the future in my opinion (or proof that we cannot rely on the markets to solve major problems. Also those kind of founders wouldn't be at this meat market.
posted by 2bucksplus at 4:08 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
I just hope they don't buy into their own hype too much and start thinking they really are rockstar ninja pirates.
Don't count on it. By the time people get emotionally invested in their startups they start to get really weird. Especially young guys.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:09 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
Don't count on it. By the time people get emotionally invested in their startups they start to get really weird. Especially young guys.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:09 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
The technical details are always boring. Every startup is a web based message passing API. Every web application is applying complex rules to build an XML document. It hasn't changed in 15 years.
posted by deathpanels at 4:11 PM on August 9, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 4:11 PM on August 9, 2012 [15 favorites]
Well we have NoSql now. Is there a web based key-value store startup yet? Charging devs to use a cloud based hash table would be great.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:15 PM on August 9, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Ad hominem at 4:15 PM on August 9, 2012 [6 favorites]
When you really look at success stories, and sorry nothing handy here, you'll find that most employees of a successful start-up only end up doing alright. They would do the same or better just working for Google and the hours would be better.
Quoted for truth. When I was looking for work about a year ago, I told recruiters straight-up that I have a "no startups" policy. And when doing phonescreens, I would ask, right off-the-bat, "What kind of work/life balance can I expect?" You can tell a lot about a company by how they answered this question. If they get all squirrelly or say shit like, "Our engineers work more because they want to, not because they have to" HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. If they say something to the effect of, "We work 40 hour weeks, with few exceptions" then you're talking to a competent manager.
I just hope they don't buy into their own hype too much and start thinking they really are rockstar ninja pirates.
LOL. Believe it or not, there was a company called RocketNinja that tried to recruit me last year. My first thought? "What, was PirateZombie taken?" Pretty sure they're out of business now.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:19 PM on August 9, 2012 [14 favorites]
Quoted for truth. When I was looking for work about a year ago, I told recruiters straight-up that I have a "no startups" policy. And when doing phonescreens, I would ask, right off-the-bat, "What kind of work/life balance can I expect?" You can tell a lot about a company by how they answered this question. If they get all squirrelly or say shit like, "Our engineers work more because they want to, not because they have to" HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. If they say something to the effect of, "We work 40 hour weeks, with few exceptions" then you're talking to a competent manager.
I just hope they don't buy into their own hype too much and start thinking they really are rockstar ninja pirates.
LOL. Believe it or not, there was a company called RocketNinja that tried to recruit me last year. My first thought? "What, was PirateZombie taken?" Pretty sure they're out of business now.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:19 PM on August 9, 2012 [14 favorites]
Thaumaturgy
My inside sources tell me that Jabberwocky is going to land this year so you better hurry up and get to market.
posted by Talez at 4:20 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
My inside sources tell me that Jabberwocky is going to land this year so you better hurry up and get to market.
posted by Talez at 4:20 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
Dibs on Kaprah.
This stuff is annoying, but whatever. People have jargon. Have you been to MFA? Dear God, I hope I never have to "problematize" anything ever again.
I think our benevolent overlord has it right about the rest of the startup nonsense.
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 4:22 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
This stuff is annoying, but whatever. People have jargon. Have you been to MFA? Dear God, I hope I never have to "problematize" anything ever again.
I think our benevolent overlord has it right about the rest of the startup nonsense.
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 4:22 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Talez:
Jabberwocy is vaporware. It's supposed to be out this year.
posted by hot_monster at 4:24 PM on August 9, 2012
Jabberwocy is vaporware. It's supposed to be out this year.
posted by hot_monster at 4:24 PM on August 9, 2012
Every startup is a web based message passing API. Every web application is applying complex rules to build an XML document.
CRUD screens of the 21st century.
posted by zabuni at 4:26 PM on August 9, 2012
CRUD screens of the 21st century.
posted by zabuni at 4:26 PM on August 9, 2012
Well we have NoSql now. Is there a web based key-value store startup yet? Charging devs to use a cloud based hash table would be great.
You mean... like Amazon S3?
Or the various storage systems on Google Cloud Platform, or Heroku, or Riak on S3, or Parse. There are are fortunately just a ton of options in this regard.
(I haven't looked into this, but what about something that just abused MySQL into a key-value store? That would open up a lot of hosting platforms that don't install any other DBs)
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 4:26 PM on August 9, 2012
You mean... like Amazon S3?
Or the various storage systems on Google Cloud Platform, or Heroku, or Riak on S3, or Parse. There are are fortunately just a ton of options in this regard.
(I haven't looked into this, but what about something that just abused MySQL into a key-value store? That would open up a lot of hosting platforms that don't install any other DBs)
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 4:26 PM on August 9, 2012
It was the year they problematized the eschaton.
posted by adamdschneider at 4:27 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by adamdschneider at 4:27 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]
Of course I know about Jabberwocky. Doesn't everybody?
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 4:28 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 4:28 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
"QuoteRobot" isn't so bad. It's a robot that generates quotes, right?
posted by infinitywaltz at 4:30 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by infinitywaltz at 4:30 PM on August 9, 2012
Back when I was a young'un, we had words like "synergy" and "proactive" and "dynamics" and we loved'em! Too much made-up jibbledy jabbledy, thats what you kids have these days! AND WHY IS THE WAITRESS TAKING SO DURN LONG WITH MY STEWED PRUNES!
posted by not_on_display at 4:32 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by not_on_display at 4:32 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
I guess Heoku has Hstore based on Postgres and I just foundOpenkeyval. S3 is too bloated, I need to leverage the power of NoSql from a beatutiful client side app. I want a developer-centric RESTFUl API to enable my Backbone.js based apps.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:32 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Ad hominem at 4:32 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
I live in Silicon Valley. This article hits too close to home...
posted by Chuffy at 4:33 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 4:33 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
JoeBlubaugh: The most recent version of MySQL allows you to access the database using the memcached protocol. No, I'm not joking.
posted by amuseDetachment at 4:34 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by amuseDetachment at 4:34 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Often, in moments like this, I am reminded of a list in Mackay's Popular Delusions of companies floated during the South Seas bubble. It included, among other things, something like, "A Venture of Great Magnitude, But No-One to Know What It Is."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:35 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:35 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]
Is this whimsical naming convention just a byproduct of the fact that all recognisable words and phrases are already registered, meaning it must invent a unique name? And that AAA Zebras doesnt get front of list treatment in google the way they'd be the first zebra stockist in the phone book?
posted by davemee at 4:37 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by davemee at 4:37 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
. . . I see like 10 startups a day post on HN about how they have some sort of rockstar team and they are tackling hard problems using the hippest newest technology and it turns out they have like a web based message passing API.
. . . Every startup is a web based message passing API. Every web application is applying complex rules to build an XML document. It hasn't changed in 15 years.
Because: "IT Doesn't Matter" [PDF].
posted by Herodios at 4:38 PM on August 9, 2012
. . . Every startup is a web based message passing API. Every web application is applying complex rules to build an XML document. It hasn't changed in 15 years.
Because: "IT Doesn't Matter" [PDF].
posted by Herodios at 4:38 PM on August 9, 2012
Those first two sentences quoted in the FPP are terrible. Unless he's ironically making fun of really bad writing, too?
posted by mrnutty at 4:38 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by mrnutty at 4:38 PM on August 9, 2012
"A Venture of Great Magnitude, But No-One to Know What It Is."
This went on to become standard business practice in the financial industry.
posted by telstar at 4:40 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
This went on to become standard business practice in the financial industry.
posted by telstar at 4:40 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
Every web application is applying complex rules to build an XML document. It hasn't changed in 15 years.
It most certainly has. HTML5 is not XML, nor is JSON.
posted by braksandwich at 4:47 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
It most certainly has. HTML5 is not XML, nor is JSON.
posted by braksandwich at 4:47 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
I am just always reminded of Margaret Atwood's names she made up in her novel Oryx and Crake: CorpSeCorp, RejoovenEsense, ChickieNobs, AnooYoo, OrganInc, Happicuppa, BlyssPluss, SoyOBoy.
As someone with two cousins with startups, it kills me that family functions are reminders that I am living in a dystopia.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 4:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]
As someone with two cousins with startups, it kills me that family functions are reminders that I am living in a dystopia.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 4:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]
This article is crap.
Before anybody gets the wrong idea and thinks that this is really how start-up VC funding works, it not. These cattle calls are not where fundable entrepreneurs go to look for money. Any face time you get with an investor at an event like this will be with a junior associate whose sole job is to try any way possible to source deals. Very few will get further than the associate. These gatherings are run by promoters that IMHO prey on the hopes and dreams of earnest folks trying to do something (it may be a stupid name/idea but at least they're trying). The companies that attend have no other way to access investors.
If you're trying to raise money from VC's don't ever pay to pitch. One great way to access real investors is to network with existing successful (i.e. funded) entrepreneurs, if your idea really has merit and you can interest one of them in helping you it possible to get access their investor network through introductions. That's the way the game is played. You would be surprised how many entrepreneurs are willing to mentor and help others along the way.
posted by Long Way To Go at 4:58 PM on August 9, 2012 [10 favorites]
Before anybody gets the wrong idea and thinks that this is really how start-up VC funding works, it not. These cattle calls are not where fundable entrepreneurs go to look for money. Any face time you get with an investor at an event like this will be with a junior associate whose sole job is to try any way possible to source deals. Very few will get further than the associate. These gatherings are run by promoters that IMHO prey on the hopes and dreams of earnest folks trying to do something (it may be a stupid name/idea but at least they're trying). The companies that attend have no other way to access investors.
If you're trying to raise money from VC's don't ever pay to pitch. One great way to access real investors is to network with existing successful (i.e. funded) entrepreneurs, if your idea really has merit and you can interest one of them in helping you it possible to get access their investor network through introductions. That's the way the game is played. You would be surprised how many entrepreneurs are willing to mentor and help others along the way.
posted by Long Way To Go at 4:58 PM on August 9, 2012 [10 favorites]
"QuoteRobot" isn't so bad. It's a robot that generates quotes, right?
I think it gives you a random quote from a robot every day at 9am. To make you feel more at home in yourcubicle workpod production interface unit.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:02 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think it gives you a random quote from a robot every day at 9am. To make you feel more at home in your
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:02 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
The day before I went to the job fair the same bunch was running. There were about 300 people there with a bunch of companies - many of them looking for programmers, some for designers and some for their back-end IT people. Some of them were really nice, and one of them looked at my Win2K/worked-for-a-bank resume and tried to hand it back to me.
(I considered a pre-strike at anyone commenting on me going to their job fair, but decided against it.)
posted by mephron at 5:04 PM on August 9, 2012
(I considered a pre-strike at anyone commenting on me going to their job fair, but decided against it.)
posted by mephron at 5:04 PM on August 9, 2012
I'll just say that in this era of having to find something that fits in the domain name, twitter, trademark, et cetera box, coming up with a good company name is HARD. You can probably guess why I know this to be true.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 5:18 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by LastOfHisKind at 5:18 PM on August 9, 2012
I hate stupid Web 2.0 company names as much as the next guy, but this article comes off as needlessly whining and snobbish.
posted by asnider at 5:20 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by asnider at 5:20 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
CATZAP
posted by arnicae at 5:29 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by arnicae at 5:29 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
Don't forget the porn spinoff, turgid.ly
posted by mrbill at 5:36 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by mrbill at 5:36 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
Ostensibly should not be used twice in the same paragraph.
posted by fzx101 at 5:46 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by fzx101 at 5:46 PM on August 9, 2012
Dunno about anyone else, but I like the sound of Appthwack.
posted by deadcowdan at 5:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by deadcowdan at 5:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
I won't attempt here to predict which startup ideas are good and which are not, but I will say that the number of talented engineers and managers who can build these ideas quickly, flexibly, and well is not large enough to staff more than, perhaps, one in twenty startups.
Agree totally. We seem to have breed a Whoooo culture where having an idea is celebrated as opposed to implementing it. Or just running a business. I've always thought VCs should give founders all the support and funding they need, if the founder is able to run a pizza shop profitably for a year.
posted by Damienmce at 5:55 PM on August 9, 2012
Agree totally. We seem to have breed a Whoooo culture where having an idea is celebrated as opposed to implementing it. Or just running a business. I've always thought VCs should give founders all the support and funding they need, if the founder is able to run a pizza shop profitably for a year.
posted by Damienmce at 5:55 PM on August 9, 2012
It's the rise of the idiots, yeah?
posted by acb at 5:59 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by acb at 5:59 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wait, this isn't just viral marketing for the reality show?
posted by fragmede at 6:02 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by fragmede at 6:02 PM on August 9, 2012
LOL. Believe it or not, there was a company called RocketNinja that tried to recruit me last year. My first thought? "What, was PirateZombie taken?" Pretty sure they're out of business now.
You only think that because they are good at what they do. If you could find them you would have to be in outer space and they would be crap ninjas.
It's RocketNinjas all the way up man.
posted by srboisvert at 6:33 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
You only think that because they are good at what they do. If you could find them you would have to be in outer space and they would be crap ninjas.
It's RocketNinjas all the way up man.
posted by srboisvert at 6:33 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
See, the real problem here is that all these start-ups are just optimizing their deliverables going forward. What is this, 2009? Did you read that on a blog?
This moment belongs to enterprises that can execute on a go-forward basis, all right?
posted by gompa at 6:34 PM on August 9, 2012
This moment belongs to enterprises that can execute on a go-forward basis, all right?
posted by gompa at 6:34 PM on August 9, 2012
http://ostensibly.ly
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 6:35 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 6:35 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Stupid cellphone.
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 6:36 PM on August 9, 2012
posted by JoeBlubaugh at 6:36 PM on August 9, 2012
Weird, the link just took me to what I’m pretty sure was part of The Book of Revelations. The bad part.
posted by bongo_x at 6:41 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by bongo_x at 6:41 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Crowdegy, Placeling, Kouply, QuoteRobot, Appthwack, Makegood, Onthego, Nickler, Kahal, Tanzio, Taskk. They’re all whimsical and unique in exactly the same way.
Actually his cherry-picked examples use a wide range of linguistic strategies to arrive at a short, memorable, pronounceable, DNS-friendly, Google-unique name.
Makegood and Onthego are common English idioms run together. Taskk is a common word misspelt. QuoteRobot and Appthwack are unique phrases formed from real words. Placeling and Kouply use suffixes to create a unique name. Crowdegy is a portmanteau word. Nickler and Kahal and plausible sounding made-up words. Tanzio is an Italian painter.
If anything, Internet company names are more remarkable for their linguistic diversity than for their similarity. About the only thing they have in common is that they are < 10 letters.
posted by dontjumplarry at 7:13 PM on August 9, 2012 [9 favorites]
Actually his cherry-picked examples use a wide range of linguistic strategies to arrive at a short, memorable, pronounceable, DNS-friendly, Google-unique name.
Makegood and Onthego are common English idioms run together. Taskk is a common word misspelt. QuoteRobot and Appthwack are unique phrases formed from real words. Placeling and Kouply use suffixes to create a unique name. Crowdegy is a portmanteau word. Nickler and Kahal and plausible sounding made-up words. Tanzio is an Italian painter.
If anything, Internet company names are more remarkable for their linguistic diversity than for their similarity. About the only thing they have in common is that they are < 10 letters.
posted by dontjumplarry at 7:13 PM on August 9, 2012 [9 favorites]
It's easy to dismiss the wistful complaints of older people. At least, it's sure a lot easier than facing the truth the everything is going downhill at an accelerating rate, year after year, decade after decade; and that every generation sucks, but not nearly as badly as the generation coming up after them.
Go ahead. Insert lawn trespassing joke here. It will make everything okay.
posted by Max Udargo at 7:15 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
Go ahead. Insert lawn trespassing joke here. It will make everything okay.
posted by Max Udargo at 7:15 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
I can see why you might think that "these are the losers, what about the winners," but at the same time, the losers basically represent the gene pool for this stuff.
I lived in a non-California high-tech-ish city a while back, and around the mid-2000s, got invited to a couple of small presentations, in people's living rooms, for social apps. It was all the same, kind of nice ideas in a standard way, but the collateral being handed out, and the pitch, really made you cringe.
I didn't think Idiocracy was all that terrific a movie, but boy does it make some prescient points.
posted by carter at 7:16 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
I lived in a non-California high-tech-ish city a while back, and around the mid-2000s, got invited to a couple of small presentations, in people's living rooms, for social apps. It was all the same, kind of nice ideas in a standard way, but the collateral being handed out, and the pitch, really made you cringe.
I didn't think Idiocracy was all that terrific a movie, but boy does it make some prescient points.
posted by carter at 7:16 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
@GenjiandProust has it. I've the VC roadshow (successfully, in the sense we raise $$$, not so much because it didn't end well for us founders). The decision makers don't come to these things, because if they're any good, they're too busy sorting through the pitches that have already been vetted one way or another two or three times. This is reality show VC, and nothing will ever come of it. There are 3 kinds of people at these events:
1) Folks who think they have The Next Big Thing. They almost assuredly don't, because if they did, they wouldn't be here.
2) People who exist at the margins of the real investor community, either bottom rung people working for an investor who have been sent here to know what *not* to look for or people who want people to think they have money and are important but aren't.
3) The organizers, who are laughing their ass off because they're the only ones who are going to see any money out of this, and they're no longer working Make Money Flipping Houses or Tony Robbins seminar gigs.
posted by kjs3 at 7:19 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
1) Folks who think they have The Next Big Thing. They almost assuredly don't, because if they did, they wouldn't be here.
2) People who exist at the margins of the real investor community, either bottom rung people working for an investor who have been sent here to know what *not* to look for or people who want people to think they have money and are important but aren't.
3) The organizers, who are laughing their ass off because they're the only ones who are going to see any money out of this, and they're no longer working Make Money Flipping Houses or Tony Robbins seminar gigs.
posted by kjs3 at 7:19 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
I lived in a non-California high-tech-ish city a while back, and around the mid-2000s, got invited to a couple of small presentations, in people's living rooms, for social apps.
So... startups were the new rock band, but they're now the new MLM.
posted by weston at 7:23 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
So... startups were the new rock band, but they're now the new MLM.
posted by weston at 7:23 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
So... startups were the new rock band, but they're now the new MLM.
Hah! Sure, if most of the people in the room have PhDs in various CS/engineering fields, and/or are married to someone who does. It was pretty much like that.
posted by carter at 7:28 PM on August 9, 2012
Hah! Sure, if most of the people in the room have PhDs in various CS/engineering fields, and/or are married to someone who does. It was pretty much like that.
posted by carter at 7:28 PM on August 9, 2012
at least every goddamn company that ends in "ly" will go out of business.
Matt, you may need to sit down.
posted by arcticseal at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
Matt, you may need to sit down.
posted by arcticseal at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]
Coqmas.tr
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:43 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:43 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
Afroblanco: " Believe it or not, there was a company called RocketNinja that tried to recruit me last year. My first thought? "What, was PirateZombie taken?""
Yeah, kinda.
Long Way To Go: "If you're trying to raise money from VC's don't ever pay to pitch."
Yog's Law for startups?
posted by Lexica at 8:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, kinda.
Long Way To Go: "If you're trying to raise money from VC's don't ever pay to pitch."
Yog's Law for startups?
posted by Lexica at 8:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
I find it amusing that the folks in this thread who begin their post shitting on Paul's piece go on to agree that the event he attended is, as he recognizes, bullshit.
I find it disconcerting that these responses appear to be reactions to Paul saying, essentially, that words matter.
posted by mwhybark at 10:25 PM on August 9, 2012
I find it disconcerting that these responses appear to be reactions to Paul saying, essentially, that words matter.
posted by mwhybark at 10:25 PM on August 9, 2012
When I saw the sequence of letters "ideate" I almost slammed my laptop on the ground.
This problem is bigger than people realize. The number of 20-somethings I know who have a new "app idea" because they didn't get a science or engineering degree and work a bookstore or call center is large.
The result is this fantasy land, complete with made-up language and the perception that every dumb idea is doable even though they haven't even spoken with a programmer about how to get started.
Mobile app ideas are like assholes.
posted by hellslinger at 10:41 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
This problem is bigger than people realize. The number of 20-somethings I know who have a new "app idea" because they didn't get a science or engineering degree and work a bookstore or call center is large.
The result is this fantasy land, complete with made-up language and the perception that every dumb idea is doable even though they haven't even spoken with a programmer about how to get started.
Mobile app ideas are like assholes.
posted by hellslinger at 10:41 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
In rereading the story, the thing that stuck out at me was the amount of time he spends talking about the women who where there.
And for people bitching about the names, if you want a domain and don't want to pay $10,000 or more for it because some domain squatter has it, then you have to come up with something that hasn't been grabbed yet. (This got pointed out in comments to the story.)
(and I know for a fact now that I'm never going to use MeFi Projects; frankly, the attitude some people have here about some things makes me think that at best there'd be derisive laughter from some of you lot.)
posted by mephron at 10:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
And for people bitching about the names, if you want a domain and don't want to pay $10,000 or more for it because some domain squatter has it, then you have to come up with something that hasn't been grabbed yet. (This got pointed out in comments to the story.)
(and I know for a fact now that I'm never going to use MeFi Projects; frankly, the attitude some people have here about some things makes me think that at best there'd be derisive laughter from some of you lot.)
posted by mephron at 10:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
When I saw the sequence of letters "ideate" I almost slammed my laptop on the ground.
First Known Use of IDEATE: 1610
But it does sound like it should be wrong.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 10:56 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
First Known Use of IDEATE: 1610
But it does sound like it should be wrong.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 10:56 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
snergly, globbr, winkl, muffn, pflegm, gump5hin and glop.
posted by flabdablet at 12:39 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 12:39 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
This problem is bigger than people realize. The number of 20-somethings I know who have a new "app idea" [...]
Speaking as a developer always on the lookout for a good idea this does not bother me in the least. Everyone wants to tell me their idea for an app and I'm okay with that.
In fact let me pass along a solid idea the 20-something opening my bank account tried to sell me on.
The problem he has is that he and a bunch of his friends all date the same women and there keeps being confusion over who's banging who.
So he wants an app where he and his friends can share records on all the women in their lives. There's a premium on privacy here -- he wants to be able to control who has access closely. None of this Facebook Privacy Surprise stuff. And he certainly doesn't want it ending up on the web.
All-in-all a very basic hosted database app. I figure you can charge a $5/month user fee. Package it as two products, "Bros" for the boys and "Sisters" for the girls.
Pros:
Large audience with credit cards and poor judgement.
Textbook database app implementation.
No need to mess with social media.
Cons:
Subscription models can be a pain.
Marketing an app who's primary appeal is that no one knows you're using it will be hard.
You will go directly to hell when you die.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:29 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
Speaking as a developer always on the lookout for a good idea this does not bother me in the least. Everyone wants to tell me their idea for an app and I'm okay with that.
In fact let me pass along a solid idea the 20-something opening my bank account tried to sell me on.
The problem he has is that he and a bunch of his friends all date the same women and there keeps being confusion over who's banging who.
So he wants an app where he and his friends can share records on all the women in their lives. There's a premium on privacy here -- he wants to be able to control who has access closely. None of this Facebook Privacy Surprise stuff. And he certainly doesn't want it ending up on the web.
All-in-all a very basic hosted database app. I figure you can charge a $5/month user fee. Package it as two products, "Bros" for the boys and "Sisters" for the girls.
Pros:
Large audience with credit cards and poor judgement.
Textbook database app implementation.
No need to mess with social media.
Cons:
Subscription models can be a pain.
Marketing an app who's primary appeal is that no one knows you're using it will be hard.
You will go directly to hell when you die.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:29 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
I agree with the premise that these events are horrid, but I certainly don't agree with his reactionary linguistic whining. As pointed out above, all those names use a wealth of techniques to achieve their goals. Are we still supposed to be pissy about verbing? What's next, we have to bring up the whole singular they issue?
I love a good whinge as much as the next guy, but he seems to be trying to dodge a few VERY obvious holes in his central thesis that: these names are stupid and bad for English.
posted by GoingToShopping at 3:13 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I love a good whinge as much as the next guy, but he seems to be trying to dodge a few VERY obvious holes in his central thesis that: these names are stupid and bad for English.
posted by GoingToShopping at 3:13 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I escaped. Oh, thank the non-existent Lord I escaped. It can be done.
posted by Decani at 3:42 AM on August 10, 2012
posted by Decani at 3:42 AM on August 10, 2012
I'm pretty stoked that startups embrace customer service, uxd, marketing and other disciplines that prioritize customers, ease of use and communication.
Well...A lot of them embrace the idea of prioritizing customers, ease of use, etc. That is, they define it any way they wish, usually in a manner complimentary to their product and goals, and then claim they are either the "industry leader" or they follow "best practices".
posted by Thorzdad at 5:20 AM on August 10, 2012
Well...A lot of them embrace the idea of prioritizing customers, ease of use, etc. That is, they define it any way they wish, usually in a manner complimentary to their product and goals, and then claim they are either the "industry leader" or they follow "best practices".
posted by Thorzdad at 5:20 AM on August 10, 2012
Some of you guys will appreciate Y Kombinator (sic).
posted by madcaptenor at 7:33 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by madcaptenor at 7:33 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Mobile app ideas are like assholes.
If only.
After all, most of these people have only one asshole.
posted by DreamerFi at 7:45 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
If only.
After all, most of these people have only one asshole.
posted by DreamerFi at 7:45 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
One of my friends recently pointed out why all these app/domain names are so abhorrent : they all sound like baby talk.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:12 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Afroblanco at 8:12 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
I find it disconcerting that these responses appear to be reactions to Paul saying, essentially, that words matter.
Maybe they just don't like the way he said it?
posted by jhc at 10:52 AM on August 10, 2012
Maybe they just don't like the way he said it?
posted by jhc at 10:52 AM on August 10, 2012
My new business is called Succinct.ly. My business model is to entertain you slightly for the duration of your reading this comment.
posted by davejay at 11:37 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by davejay at 11:37 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Succinct.ly 2.0 is exactly the same, only it takes less time to describe.
posted by davejay at 11:38 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by davejay at 11:38 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
welcome to the Succinct.ly 3.0 beta
posted by davejay at 11:39 AM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by davejay at 11:39 AM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
newslettr?
posted by flabdablet at 5:46 AM on August 14, 2012
posted by flabdablet at 5:46 AM on August 14, 2012
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"This author" is ambiguous and unreliable.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:42 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]