banana slicer

August 19, 2012 6:51 PM

"Forget the actual product. What you want to read is the comments." As said by a friend who pointed this out. Boy howdy was she right.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies (88 comments total)

Forget the actual post. What I want to read is the comments.
posted by shakespearicles at 6:58 PM on August 19, 2012 [20 favorites]

I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.

Amazon parody reviews are just never going to get old, to me.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:58 PM on August 19, 2012 [41 favorites]

"PEOPLE, this is not a banana slicer! It is an anatomically correct banana model that is being falsely advertised to be used to slice bananas so that slowly our human hands will no longer know how it is to firmly grasp a weapon!"
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:58 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

The link is broken.
posted by Jehan at 7:02 PM on August 19, 2012

Huh. It works for me.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:04 PM on August 19, 2012

Works for me, too. And it's an excellent entertaining post. Perfect for a Sunday evening. Thanks!
posted by hippybear at 7:05 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

I can't believe anyone could be so inept as to think that they couldn't slice their bananas because they bent "the wrong way." All that person has to do is to buy the model 571C Banana Slicer that is for bananas that bend the other way. Although I prefer left-bending bananas, I got both the 571B and the 571C so that when shopping, I don't have to have the hassle of finding bananas with the correct polarity. I hope "Angle Was Wrong" sees the light and removes that harsh one-star rating for this indispensable product duo.

I almost want my own banana slicer, just so I can look at it and think of these comments.
posted by jeather at 7:06 PM on August 19, 2012 [24 favorites]

I own that banana slicer! It was a gift. It's pretty good but harder to clean than a plain old knife.

I wish I had some clever tale about it, but I don't. It's a banana slicer.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:07 PM on August 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

If you own this banana slicer, then I am jealous of your presumably spacious kitchen drawers.
posted by cribcage at 7:10 PM on August 19, 2012 [19 favorites]

your presumably spacious kitchen drawers

I can't remember if they're spacious. They've got a banana slicer jamming them shut.
posted by howfar at 7:18 PM on August 19, 2012 [83 favorites]

All of them!
posted by howfar at 7:18 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Situation reminds me of this Scarecrow sprinkler, although the difference here is that you want to look at the customer images.
posted by Seboshin at 7:20 PM on August 19, 2012 [10 favorites]

I own that banana slicer!

A single tear rolls down Alton Brown's face.
posted by maudlin at 7:20 PM on August 19, 2012 [20 favorites]

My drawers are spacious because the only thing in them is a banana slicer. What else do you need, really?
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:21 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

is this something I would need to own bananas to understand?
posted by philip-random at 7:35 PM on August 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

Do they make the upside down kind for those nice people that live in Australia?
posted by special-k at 7:36 PM on August 19, 2012

I know I have ranted quite wildly against rants against single use kitchen items but BY GOD THIS MADNESS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
posted by elizardbits at 7:38 PM on August 19, 2012

It's for bananas? Well, shit!
posted by HuronBob at 7:38 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

But what I really want is a banana slicer that slices unevenly so it looks like I have artisanal bananas.
posted by arcticseal at 7:42 PM on August 19, 2012 [47 favorites]

I have ordered two versions of this excellent product, one for each of the ways my bananas bend. My problem now is I've searched the interwebs far and wide and cannot find bananas for sale in the style pictured in the product demo. I can only find bananas encased in a thick yellow casing. My garbage bin overflows with inedible unshelled bananas. I'm worried my banana slicers will be useless if I can't find a reliable source for naked bananas.

I need your help.
posted by gompa at 7:43 PM on August 19, 2012 [16 favorites]

Does it use oxygen-free copper in its construction? What is the burn-in time?
posted by clvrmnky at 7:47 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

I bet Gwen Stefani has one.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:50 PM on August 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

Sweet Hanuman, this is an amazing technological development. I have to let MoFi know about this asap. I fear, though, that this may to an arms race with the makers of banana protectors.
posted by homunculus at 7:54 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

I can only find bananas encased in a thick yellow casing. My garbage bin overflows with inedible unshelled bananas. I'm worried my banana slicers will be useless if I can't find a reliable source for naked bananas.

Help is here:
Banana peeler
posted by 445supermag at 7:55 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

The product actually seems quite useful

Someone keep Bwithh talking while I ring for a nurse.
posted by howfar at 7:56 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Help is here:
Banana peeler

No because I tried this and it only takes the tops off and then you have maybe one bite and it still won't work in the slicer with the rest of the banana still unshelled. It is a LIE that these are called Banana PEELER, they are banana top removers ONLY.
posted by gompa at 7:57 PM on August 19, 2012 [8 favorites]

Help is here:
Banana peeler

NOW I weep for humanity.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:58 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

"All of my bananas are bent the other way."
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:01 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Goes down smoothly with Tuscan Milk
posted by blue_beetle at 8:01 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Ah, should have read the second damn comment. Carry on.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:02 PM on August 19, 2012

Banana De-stringer.
posted by 445supermag at 8:11 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

How to slice a banana.
posted by maudlin at 8:13 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

The comments on this $16,000 bottle of Scotch amuse me.
posted by ob1quixote at 8:26 PM on August 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

My father has a hand tremor and something like this would help him slice bananas without having to use a knife, which is time consuming and dangerous for him.
posted by sweetkid at 8:27 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Aw, Sweetkid, you're spoiling the fun!

Also: a blunt butter knife wouldn't work?
posted by jrochest at 8:34 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Look at that banana slicer! Just look at it!

Am I the only MeFite who still looks at BB? It makes me feel dirty, but I still do it.
posted by spacewrench at 8:35 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

THE CONS: would have been nice if they let you know that bananas are not included. UGH! so annoyed.
THE PROS: it does a killer job on any food that is shaped like a penis
posted by wallabear at 8:51 PM on August 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Aw, Sweetkid, you're spoiling the fun!

I know I know I'm just SAYING.

Also: a blunt butter knife wouldn't work?

See: time consuming because of the tremor. He hates using anything that might actually help him though (see also electric can openers) so he wouldn't want this but I do think it would help.
posted by sweetkid at 8:56 PM on August 19, 2012

Some people prefer the warmth of this analog banana slicer, but I much prefer the crisp, lifeless precision of my digital.
posted by MegoSteve at 8:59 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

@sweetkid you should totally have him do a zany/whacky review of this thing but at the end just let it slip that he's using it because of health problems

also I or one of the allegedly hilarious persons in my internet circle(s) should totally start selling 'bulk parody reviews' on Amazon wherewith one may mock tacky prole goods

script that allows you to automatically post pix of your parody purchase to twitter sold seperately/nowhere
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 9:02 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Amazon parody reviews are just never going to get old.

They're the folk art of the 21st Century.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:33 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Does it work on plantains too? That would be terrific.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:34 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

The best thing about these reviews is that I could "theoretically" consider buying one of these things and say that I'm doing so ironically in support of the humorous reviews rather than because I'm lazy.

St. Alia of the Bunnies: "Help is here:
Banana peeler

NOW I weep for humanity."

I did too, until I realized that the same humanity is writing these reviews, so it all equals out in the wash.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:35 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

This would go perfectly with my USB-powered pickle light. If this isn't picked up by Archie McPhee and made a prize at trivia soon, I will be deeply disappointed.
posted by maryr at 10:07 PM on August 19, 2012

Best comment I read on Amazon was for a can of uranium ore.
"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."
posted by vac2003 at 10:08 PM on August 19, 2012 [50 favorites]

Joe worked at the ice cream store. One day he came home, had a few drinks, and confided in his wife. "Honey, I'm not gonna lie to you. I've got this compulsion to stick my penis in the banana slicer at work." After some reflection she said, "Well, I'm not sure I understand it all, but if you really feel strongly about it, I can't stop you."
One day the following week Joe came home, downcast. His wife looked at him anxiously. "Do you have something you want to tell me?" she asked.
"Well, you know how I told you I wanted to stick my penis in the banana slicer?"
"Yes..."
"I did it."
"Oh my god, what happened?!"

"We both got fired."
posted by brappi at 10:12 PM on August 19, 2012 [36 favorites]

I could "theoretically" consider buying one of these things and say that I'm doing so ironically in support of the humorous reviews rather than because I'm lazy.

or you could just give all your money to me instead.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:13 PM on August 19, 2012

OK, OK, I shouldn't, but this strange compulsion is winning. Its stunning popularity seems to have rendered it unavailable, but the testimonies remain.

The awe-inspiring Badonkadonk
posted by pjm at 10:24 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't get the joke. It really does work well. Read the instruction manual first, though.
posted by dazed_one at 10:41 PM on August 19, 2012

This would actually be good for someone who works in catering and cuts a lot of fruit.

(Womp womp. Spoils the joke. Pulls up my high waisted pants and readjusts my pocket protector.)

I was wondering why the heck anyone would ever buy this, then noticed it is often sold together with a strawberry huller and strawberry slicer. So for people like caterers and/or the those who work at the companies that make flower arrangements out of fruit? Useful!
posted by kellybird at 11:19 PM on August 19, 2012

This would actually be good for someone who works in catering and cuts a lot of fruit.

Put several peeled bananas alongside each other. Spooning, sort of. Cut slices with a long knife.

I bought a garlic press once because it looked cool. Haven't ever used it. Not even sure where I kept it in the kitchen.
posted by vidur at 11:33 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

FYI: Only 9 left in stock.
posted by vidur at 11:35 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Apparently it will make you feel like you have Charlie Sheen DNA.
posted by blue shadows at 12:15 AM on August 20, 2012

We've even incorporated it into our lovemaking.

Remind me never to eat sliced bananas at that guys house.
posted by hazyjane at 12:15 AM on August 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Honest question: How do these Amazon products typically get targeted for mass faux-commenting? 4chan?
posted by victory_laser at 1:56 AM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

The best part of the The awe-inspiring Badonkadonk is the Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed: whole rabbit, David hasselhoff album, Uranium ore.

The also viewed for the banana slicer are sadly pedestrian.
posted by pointystick at 6:11 AM on August 20, 2012

Apparently it will make you feel like you have Charlie Sheen DNA.

Pretty sure it's quite easy to obtain some of Charlie Sheen's DNA
posted by nathancaswell at 6:51 AM on August 20, 2012 [8 favorites]

Honest question: How do these Amazon products typically get targeted for mass faux-commenting? 4chan?

If they're hilarious dumb, yes. If they're just dumb then it's reddit. If they're witty, Something Awful or another big bulletin board did it, usually.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:38 AM on August 20, 2012

I'm surprised that no one's linked to a certain meme on a certain very popular blog that some MeFites choose to hate on, unless the haterade is more widespread than I thought. Well, I'll be a devil and do it, then:

Just look at this banana [thing]. Just look at it.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:25 AM on August 20, 2012

This would actually be good for someone who works in catering and cuts a lot of fruit.

It really really wouldn't. I've worked in catering. You don't need to be rattling around looking for another gadget to do something bizarrely specific, especially when it will take longer than a knife, can't be adjusted according to need and is also going to leave you fiddling to get the generally far too thick slices out from between the bars. It will also be useless on small, overly curved or misshapen bananas, the sort of cheap and ugly produce that caterers use whenever they can get it. In reality you're going to grab a handful of bananas and start slicing, or use the slicer blade on the Moulinex if you've got loads to do.

I appreciate your desire to defend this useless plastic runt, but I've afraid this is one brainchild that needs to be taken out back and drowned in the water butt.
posted by howfar at 10:20 AM on August 20, 2012

To complete the Circle of Life, after slicing the banana and washing it down with the aforementioned Tuscan Whole Milk, you have to be wearing the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee.
posted by Ber at 12:19 PM on August 20, 2012

Metafilter: I wish I had some clever tale about it, but I don't.
posted by herbplarfegan at 12:45 PM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not one of the reviews mentions the Mean Slicings Between Failures. I can't rely on this thing.
posted by ben242 at 2:47 PM on August 20, 2012

I don't get the joke. It really does work well.

I've never even eaten a banana and I can still tell that this doesn't do anything that A FECKING KNIFE will do for you.

See also: the Hot Dog Slicer.
posted by mippy at 3:32 PM on August 20, 2012

"I found this extremely useful at my brother-in-law's bris. Literally saved the day when the mohel no-showed..."
posted by misha at 3:33 PM on August 20, 2012

I can't remember if they're spacious. They've got a banana slicer jamming them shut.

Reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJ1a0ymGCKA
posted by esc67 at 5:14 PM on August 20, 2012

I've never even eaten a banana

Really?
posted by Night_owl at 6:02 PM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

To complete the Circle of Life, after slicing the banana and washing it down with the aforementioned Tuscan Whole Milk, you have to be wearing the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee.

Say what you will, but the Mountain tees are pretty high quality. Their Unicorn Castle tee, which I'm wearing right now, is pretty great.
posted by SPrintF at 7:36 PM on August 20, 2012

Or, have I said too much?
posted by SPrintF at 7:37 PM on August 20, 2012

Do they also make the giant pug face tees?

Because if so, I would like them to stop. Those things freak me out.
posted by maryr at 8:37 PM on August 20, 2012

Oh, god, the banana peeler tool. People are dumber than other primates, which have the sense to open the banana from the other end (I seem to recall). Much easier. Grumble, grumble. We just aren't banana experts.
posted by Listener at 11:42 PM on August 20, 2012

Nope, not that I can recall (my mum may have tried to feed me one as a baby). The smell, taste and texture of them makes me feel very nauseated to the point that if someone is eating one near me, I have to either move or politely ask them to throw away the skin once they're done so the smell doesn't linger.

I used to be OK with dried banana chips in things, until I tried to eat a bag of the slices and was very sick for a couple of days. I'm convinced it's a psychological/taste thing rather than an actual allergy, but I just can't eat the things.
posted by mippy at 1:40 AM on August 21, 2012

The best part of the The awe-inspiring Badonkadonk is the Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed: whole rabbit, David hasselhoff album, Uranium ore.

That most decidedly is because the Badonkadonk is the weapon of choice for The Bugle Podcast.
posted by the cydonian at 3:41 AM on August 21, 2012

You know, "banana slicer".
posted by stormpooper at 6:45 AM on August 21, 2012

To complete the Circle of Life, after slicing the banana and washing it down with the aforementioned Tuscan Whole Milk, you have to be wearing the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee.

after which you have to commit suicide because... uh, because you've reached the apex of life. sure, let's go with that
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:19 AM on August 21, 2012

Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when do Amazon product reviews get their own comments? This is down the rabbit hole.
posted by psoas at 2:32 PM on August 21, 2012

This is down the rabbit hole

And your problem with that is....?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:28 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

This one's reviews are also classic, and the "user pictures" are also...creative.

Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
posted by misha at 8:24 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

The testicle self-exam form is a steal at $114, too.
posted by misha at 8:26 AM on August 22, 2012

misha: "The testicle self-exam form is a steal at $114, too."

They need to make these things with pressure sensors to train folks who don't possess testes. I know this because last year my regular, male, doctor was out and I had a weird sensation in my lower abdomen that bothered me enough to see another doc in his office. She decided to do a testicle exam and FUCKING CRUSHED MY BALLS. To top it off, after I yelped she diagnosed tenderness and then sent me off across town to get an ultrasound for no good reason, after which I got to clean the weird gel off my privates.
posted by a puppet made of socks at 10:35 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

god dammit now Talking Points Memo is serving me ads for Banana Slicers
posted by cortex at 12:05 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Amazon reviews of MetaFilter, the Kindle app. Get a coupon for orange juice, and you'll offset the subscription price! (I'm pretty sure this is a non-authorized Kindle app).

See also: Amazon Comedy (unposted project. The site is down, but The Wayback Machine has a copy).

There's an user-made Amazon list, Funniest Amazon Product Reviews, which will lead you to products with amusing reviews.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:11 AM on August 24, 2012

Previously on Amazon
posted by audacity at 11:35 AM on August 24, 2012

vidur: "This would actually be good for someone who works in catering and cuts a lot of fruit.

Put several peeled bananas alongside each other. Spooning, sort of. Cut slices with a long knife.

I bought a garlic press once because it looked cool. Haven't ever used it. Not even sure where I kept it in the kitchen."

I actually often use a garlic press when I don't have time or inclination to mince and recipe calls for garlic to be finely chopped (e.g. guacamole). Although for this purpose you can also use a MicroPlane grater which is also excellent for zesting and for grating hard cheeses, so I suppose it makes it a superior multi-purpose kitchen tool. Nonetheless, when the time is right I love a good garlic press.
posted by Deathalicious at 11:56 PM on August 25, 2012

I find cleaning a garlic press kind of annoying so we never use ours, but then it's rare we cut use more than one or maybe two cloves in a recipe and usually aren't cooking in a big hurry in any case so the time saving issue doesn't really come into it.

But also every time I mince garlic I think of Paul Sorvino slicing up garlic super thin in the safe house sequence from Goodfellas and I'm like, yeah, slicing garlic super thin! while I just manhandle the garlic myself and mince it sort of sloppily and messily. I am not sure why.
posted by cortex at 7:37 AM on August 26, 2012

It's quicker and easier to press small amounts of garlic under the blade of your knife than it is to use a garlic press, with a little salt if you're looking for a totally smooth paste. Larger amounts of garlic can best be dealt with using a stone pestle and mortar. Both options give you control over how mashed you want this bulb.
posted by howfar at 7:42 AM on August 26, 2012

I use the flat of my 10" chef's knife myself, but if you want a device, the thing people seem to really like is the garlic twist. much easier to clean than the press.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:59 AM on August 26, 2012

Related Amazon (UK) product review wackiness: Bic for Her (branded in the US as Cristal For Her)
posted by filthy light thief at 12:05 PM on August 28, 2012