You know who really gives kids a bad name?
August 21, 2012 10:53 AM Subscribe
The award for the best jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe has been given to Canadian comic Stewart Francis for this joke:
"You know who really gives kids a bad name?..
.. Posh and Becks.
The rest of 2012's best one liners are:
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
More cheesy puns from previous years: 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2006, 2005, 2004.
Previously: 1, 2.
.. Posh and Becks.
The rest of 2012's best one liners are:
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
More cheesy puns from previous years: 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2006, 2005, 2004.
Previously: 1, 2.
This skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
posted by mule98J at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by mule98J at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
q.v. Eruca sativa, American chums.
posted by zamboni at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
q.v. Eruca sativa, American chums.
posted by zamboni at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
That... that was glorious.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
That... that was glorious.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
For those of you (like me) who didn't get it, Posh Spice and David Beckham named their kids: Brooklyn Joseph, Romeo James, Cruz David, and Harper Seven.
(Was that last one a Seinfeld reference?)
posted by schmod at 10:58 AM on August 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
(Was that last one a Seinfeld reference?)
posted by schmod at 10:58 AM on August 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
all my best jokes are friends
posted by philip-random at 10:59 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by philip-random at 10:59 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I thought they were Brooklyn, Lucozade, M1, and Tesco...
posted by yellowcandy at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by yellowcandy at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
I don't know Y is the better joke because it's timeless.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
Take my wife, whose given name is "Please."
posted by swift at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by swift at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
I love these, but "riveting" has to be 50 years old if it's a day.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Hey, one of those was one my former roommate used once, unintentionally.
I had just finished watching a documentary on the history of screws, and he was non-plussed. He expressed that ironically by saying in a flat tone "Rivetting". I thought it was so goddamn clever, but it turns out he didn't realize what he said was a joke. We shared a laugh and then went on with our miserable lives.
posted by cyberscythe at 11:06 AM on August 21, 2012 [23 favorites]
I had just finished watching a documentary on the history of screws, and he was non-plussed. He expressed that ironically by saying in a flat tone "Rivetting". I thought it was so goddamn clever, but it turns out he didn't realize what he said was a joke. We shared a laugh and then went on with our miserable lives.
posted by cyberscythe at 11:06 AM on August 21, 2012 [23 favorites]
I'd keep the winner but swap jokes - I love #8. Riveting!
posted by maryr at 11:07 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by maryr at 11:07 AM on August 21, 2012
Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms.
posted by pistolswing at 11:07 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by pistolswing at 11:07 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Joke book jokes.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:09 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Sys Rq at 11:09 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
My my my, food prices today. Venison is dear isn't it?
posted by The Whelk at 11:10 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 11:10 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
Brooklyn Joseph
Somehow it seems inevitable that Posh and Becks would have a kid called "BJ."
posted by yoink at 11:12 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Somehow it seems inevitable that Posh and Becks would have a kid called "BJ."
posted by yoink at 11:12 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
The Whelk: whilst living in England, I actually and completely unintentionally made that joke at the butchers.
posted by Specklet at 11:13 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Specklet at 11:13 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Am I comically challenged that I don't get the winning one?
I looked up the "kid's names" in question: Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper, and while silly, they don't seem any worse than typical celebrity baby names.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:13 AM on August 21, 2012
I looked up the "kid's names" in question: Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper, and while silly, they don't seem any worse than typical celebrity baby names.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:13 AM on August 21, 2012
"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
I was stumped by "rocket salad" when I visited London. For anyone else as clueless as I was: rocket = arugula.
posted by Zed at 11:14 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I was stumped by "rocket salad" when I visited London. For anyone else as clueless as I was: rocket = arugula.
posted by Zed at 11:14 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Hey, Will Marsh stole my line! We got along so poorly and have so little in common that I've been saying for almost 20 years now that my brother and I are both only children.
posted by jocelmeow at 11:14 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by jocelmeow at 11:14 AM on August 21, 2012
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
Old (Dangerfield?) joke; "My wife's favorite position is back to back."
posted by R. Mutt at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Old (Dangerfield?) joke; "My wife's favorite position is back to back."
posted by R. Mutt at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
he was non-plussed
Why was he confused and bewildered?
(Yes, yes, I'm being prescriptivist. This one word just sticks in my craw for some reason.)
posted by kmz at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Why was he confused and bewildered?
(Yes, yes, I'm being prescriptivist. This one word just sticks in my craw for some reason.)
posted by kmz at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Man, these are terrible. Let me see if I can do worse.
"A philosopher promised to take me to a monastery, but once we got there I realized it was only a priori."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012 [31 favorites]
"A philosopher promised to take me to a monastery, but once we got there I realized it was only a priori."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012 [31 favorites]
If you are even remotely amused by #1 and #8, I'd check out Stewart Francis's appearance on The Late, Late Show -- it's on his website (in the links) but hard to link to (follow Media->Videos->The Comedian) It's a lot of one liners, some of which land, some don't, but all are helped by his delivery.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2012
Okay okay, here's an actual joke:
"What did the egg say to the boiling water? -"I'll be hard in a minute, I just got laid by this chick.""
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:18 AM on August 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
"What did the egg say to the boiling water? -"I'll be hard in a minute, I just got laid by this chick.""
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:18 AM on August 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
Here's one so ancient it creaks (must be spoken aloud)
Q: Who's the dehydrated French guy?
A: Pierre.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:20 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Q: Who's the dehydrated French guy?
A: Pierre.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:20 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
If you like this you'll love Milton Jones: "I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can't run."
posted by Damienmce at 11:23 AM on August 21, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by Damienmce at 11:23 AM on August 21, 2012 [19 favorites]
"I'll be hard in a minute, I just got laid by this chick."
Chicks don't lay eggs.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:38 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Chicks don't lay eggs.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:38 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
he was non-plussed
Why was he confused and bewildered?
Because, why would anyone watch a documentary on screws?
posted by mrnutty at 11:41 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Why was he confused and bewildered?
Because, why would anyone watch a documentary on screws?
posted by mrnutty at 11:41 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
posted by maryr at 11:44 AM on August 21, 2012 [18 favorites]
posted by maryr at 11:44 AM on August 21, 2012 [18 favorites]
Everyone watched Helvetica, why not a documentary on fasteners and screws?
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:46 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:46 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Because "Helvetica" was information of a font.
posted by ardgedee at 11:52 AM on August 21, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by ardgedee at 11:52 AM on August 21, 2012 [12 favorites]
Everyone watched Helvetica, why not a documentary on fasteners and screws?
Sounds hot.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:52 AM on August 21, 2012
Sounds hot.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:52 AM on August 21, 2012
I once saw a man in San Francisco with a Bluetooth headset, on second glance I discovered he was actually talking to himself.
posted by hellojed at 11:52 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by hellojed at 11:52 AM on August 21, 2012
The American version of the #1 joke is much better...
It's punchline? Sarah & Todd Palin
(Thank you, I'll be somewhere all week, don't tip your server, this is a Chick-Fil-A)
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:56 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
It's punchline? Sarah & Todd Palin
(Thank you, I'll be somewhere all week, don't tip your server, this is a Chick-Fil-A)
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:56 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
All of those prizewinning jokes need a virtual rimshot.
posted by scratch at 11:56 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by scratch at 11:56 AM on August 21, 2012
Also:
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sarah Jessica Parker?"
posted by scratch at 11:57 AM on August 21, 2012
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sarah Jessica Parker?"
posted by scratch at 11:57 AM on August 21, 2012
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:00 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:00 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
A horse walks into a bar holding a set of jumper cables in his mouth.
Bartender sighs and says, "You can come in, but just don't start anything."
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 12:01 PM on August 21, 2012 [17 favorites]
Bartender sighs and says, "You can come in, but just don't start anything."
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 12:01 PM on August 21, 2012 [17 favorites]
Because, why would anyone watch a documentary on screws?
He thought it was fastenating?
posted by Feantari at 12:03 PM on August 21, 2012 [17 favorites]
He thought it was fastenating?
posted by Feantari at 12:03 PM on August 21, 2012 [17 favorites]
They may all 'need' a virtual rimshot, but most of them actually deserve the sad trombone. Or maybe a "hiyo!" from Ed McMahon would help (it saved some of Johnny Carson's worst jokes).
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:03 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:03 PM on August 21, 2012
René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Would you like a drink?"
René Descartes says, "I think not" and vanishes.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 12:06 PM on August 21, 2012 [13 favorites]
René Descartes says, "I think not" and vanishes.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 12:06 PM on August 21, 2012 [13 favorites]
blah blah put Descartes before the horse rimshot
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2012 [11 favorites]
An Irishman walks past a bar.
posted by prefpara at 12:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 12:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
q.v.
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU USE "q.v."! Q.v. comes after the thing you want to cross reference, as in, "The footnotes to David Foster Wallace's first book, Infinite Jest (q.v.), consistently misused latin cross-referencing terms and abbreviations.".
posted by kenko at 12:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU USE "q.v."! Q.v. comes after the thing you want to cross reference, as in, "The footnotes to David Foster Wallace's first book, Infinite Jest (q.v.), consistently misused latin cross-referencing terms and abbreviations.".
posted by kenko at 12:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
blah blah put Descartes before the horse rimshot
No no no. First you make up a sexist story about women not getting early French philosophers and getting all irrational and bitchy, and then you say "It's like putting Descartes before the whores."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 12:15 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
No no no. First you make up a sexist story about women not getting early French philosophers and getting all irrational and bitchy, and then you say "It's like putting Descartes before the whores."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 12:15 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: We shared a laugh and then went on with our miserable lives.
posted by mannequito at 12:27 PM on August 21, 2012 [31 favorites]
posted by mannequito at 12:27 PM on August 21, 2012 [31 favorites]
The riveting one reminds me of my standard line every time I get back with the kids from a camping trip:
Wife: How was camping?
Me: Intense.
Every year it gets more hilarious.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:31 PM on August 21, 2012 [21 favorites]
Wife: How was camping?
Me: Intense.
Every year it gets more hilarious.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:31 PM on August 21, 2012 [21 favorites]
You know who really gives kids a bad name? Clivehumper Shithorn, Sr.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 12:33 PM on August 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 12:33 PM on August 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
I've heard this within the last 6 months by an Australian comic in a slightly different form. She said bogan/tradie in place of working class and maybe the TV took up an entire wall.
posted by vidur at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2012
I've heard this within the last 6 months by an Australian comic in a slightly different form. She said bogan/tradie in place of working class and maybe the TV took up an entire wall.
posted by vidur at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2012
Because, why would anyone watch a documentary on screws?
They want to get a sense of the Bosses' methods once the unions are gone?
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2012
They want to get a sense of the Bosses' methods once the unions are gone?
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2012
I used to tell a joke, "Take my wife, please."
Then someone kidnapped my wife.
Thank you.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 12:48 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Then someone kidnapped my wife.
Thank you.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 12:48 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I sat at the bar and I heard a voice saying, "You look very nice today". Then I went into the Gents and a voice screamed at me "YOU ARE A WANKER!". I asked the barman if he knew why this had happened and he said, "Yes sir, the peanuts are complimentary and the toilet is out of order."
posted by jontyjago at 12:48 PM on August 21, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by jontyjago at 12:48 PM on August 21, 2012 [19 favorites]
#3. Tommy Smothers. All, still sadly hilarious, but Palins, yeah.
posted by kemrocken at 1:07 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by kemrocken at 1:07 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Q: How many uptight, humorless blowhards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You know, no one loves a good joke more than I do. But for a variety of reasons, look, I just think there's nothing funny about that joke. Humor that's just out to offend for the sake of being offensive, okay, I'm just not a big fan. It's not that I'm humorless or that I expect comedians to pander to my sensitivities, you know, like it's a big political correctness thing. Not at all. I like a lot of comedians who are edgy, like that guy, what's his name. Anyway. I just didn't find that funny. I expect an apology.
posted by Fritz Langwedge at 1:17 PM on August 21, 2012 [12 favorites]
A: You know, no one loves a good joke more than I do. But for a variety of reasons, look, I just think there's nothing funny about that joke. Humor that's just out to offend for the sake of being offensive, okay, I'm just not a big fan. It's not that I'm humorless or that I expect comedians to pander to my sensitivities, you know, like it's a big political correctness thing. Not at all. I like a lot of comedians who are edgy, like that guy, what's his name. Anyway. I just didn't find that funny. I expect an apology.
posted by Fritz Langwedge at 1:17 PM on August 21, 2012 [12 favorites]
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two; hard part is getting them in there.
Q: How many of you have heard these before?
A: Yep, pretty much all of you. But the first one usually gets a laugh when I re-tell it to people.
posted by caution live frogs at 1:22 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two; hard part is getting them in there.
Q: How many of you have heard these before?
A: Yep, pretty much all of you. But the first one usually gets a laugh when I re-tell it to people.
posted by caution live frogs at 1:22 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you like that sort of humour, you need to listen to/watch Milton Jones.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:23 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by MartinWisse at 1:23 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hey, did you hear the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
posted by tommasz at 1:30 PM on August 21, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 1:30 PM on August 21, 2012 [13 favorites]
Elevator complains, "I think I'm coming down with something."
posted by I'm Doing the Dishes at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by I'm Doing the Dishes at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Q. How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?
A. You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:46 PM on August 21, 2012 [36 favorites]
A. You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:46 PM on August 21, 2012 [36 favorites]
Posh Spice and David Beckham named their kids: Brooklyn Joseph, Romeo James, Cruz David, and Harper Seven.
My guess is that they never actually read Romeo & Juliet and imagined that Romeo, in popular culture, was a great and successful lover/sex god, rather than an emo kid who died a virgin at 13.
posted by acb at 1:55 PM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
My guess is that they never actually read Romeo & Juliet and imagined that Romeo, in popular culture, was a great and successful lover/sex god, rather than an emo kid who died a virgin at 13.
posted by acb at 1:55 PM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
So the bartender sez to me, he sez, "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?"
So I sez, "That was no lady -- that was an iron lung!"
posted by mazola at 1:56 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
So I sez, "That was no lady -- that was an iron lung!"
posted by mazola at 1:56 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
How many?
Folksingers: Two. One to change the bulb, one to sing a song about how good the old one was.
Rappers: Two. One to change he bulb, one -to pour out a 40 for the old one.
Libertarians: 26. One to change the bulb, 25 to canvas shopping malls gathering signatures on socket access for their bulb.
Members of White Stripes. Two.
MeFites: Two. One to change the bulb, one to open a MeTa on how it was a bad replacement.
posted by timsteil at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Folksingers: Two. One to change the bulb, one to sing a song about how good the old one was.
Rappers: Two. One to change he bulb, one -to pour out a 40 for the old one.
Libertarians: 26. One to change the bulb, 25 to canvas shopping malls gathering signatures on socket access for their bulb.
Members of White Stripes. Two.
MeFites: Two. One to change the bulb, one to open a MeTa on how it was a bad replacement.
posted by timsteil at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
"If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" - Marek Larwood
Wow. That was back in 2006. Freakin' prescient.
posted by dlugoczaj at 2:02 PM on August 21, 2012
Wow. That was back in 2006. Freakin' prescient.
posted by dlugoczaj at 2:02 PM on August 21, 2012
The riveting one reminds me of my standard line every time I get back with the kids from a camping trip:
Wife: How was camping?
Me: Intense.
Wise man say: boy who goes camping with girl has naughty intent.
posted by acb at 2:08 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Wife: How was camping?
Me: Intense.
Wise man say: boy who goes camping with girl has naughty intent.
posted by acb at 2:08 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I've told this here before, but it's still my favorite joke.
Q. Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
A. The punchlines are too long.
posted by brundlefly at 2:19 PM on August 21, 2012 [24 favorites]
Q. Why can't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?
A. The punchlines are too long.
posted by brundlefly at 2:19 PM on August 21, 2012 [24 favorites]
Romeo...an emo kid who died a virgin at 13.
Emo kid is fair enough, but definitely not "virgin."
posted by yoink at 2:20 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Emo kid is fair enough, but definitely not "virgin."
posted by yoink at 2:20 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Two bums sitting on the police station steps, one drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks. They charged one, but let the other one off.
posted by Devonian at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Devonian at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
My guess is that they never actually read Romeo & Juliet and imagined that Romeo, in popular culture, was a great and successful lover/sex god, rather than an emo kid who died a virgin at 13.
I guess you haven't read it either, as Romeo totally bangs Juliet before going into exile.
posted by biffa at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I guess you haven't read it either, as Romeo totally bangs Juliet before going into exile.
posted by biffa at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I like "Augusta National finally added its 19th and 20th holes"
posted by Renoroc at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by Renoroc at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2012
My favorite Light Bulb Joke by far...
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb must really want to change...
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb must really want to change...
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm glad it never gets too cold around here, because then I don't have to spend much on camping gear...
Yep, it's the winter of our discount tent.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:58 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yep, it's the winter of our discount tent.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:58 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yep, it's the winter of our discount tent.
Heh.
My friend and I owned a nightclub for about 3 months, opened on Christmas day and had to close the following spring.
It was the winter of our discotheque.
posted by King Bee at 3:06 PM on August 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
Heh.
My friend and I owned a nightclub for about 3 months, opened on Christmas day and had to close the following spring.
It was the winter of our discotheque.
posted by King Bee at 3:06 PM on August 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE???
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Inaccurate grammar Nazis.
Inaccurate grammar Nazis who?
THAT'S "WHOM", YOU ILLITERATE FOOL!
posted by ZsigE at 3:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
CHANGE???
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Inaccurate grammar Nazis.
Inaccurate grammar Nazis who?
THAT'S "WHOM", YOU ILLITERATE FOOL!
posted by ZsigE at 3:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
LOL! Hey, wait... I just got a 50-inch plasma. Goddamit, stop making fun of me!
posted by pi3832 at 3:40 PM on August 21, 2012
LOL! Hey, wait... I just got a 50-inch plasma. Goddamit, stop making fun of me!
posted by pi3832 at 3:40 PM on August 21, 2012
My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
posted by Bort at 3:59 PM on August 21, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by Bort at 3:59 PM on August 21, 2012 [16 favorites]
Hey, I just got a 50-inch plasma book case... can't hold any books, but it looks awesome...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:01 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:01 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
biffa: "My guess is that they never actually read Romeo & Juliet and imagined that Romeo, in popular culture, was a great and successful lover/sex god, rather than an emo kid who died a virgin at 13.
I guess you haven't read it either, as Romeo totally bangs Juliet before going into exile."
I think, given the subtlety of the language, it's possible one might have missed or forgotten this, especially if they had read it at an impressionable age and an instructor might have tried to scoot past that detail.
Of course, if you saw the Zeffirelli film version at an impressionable age and you didn't remember that they had sex, then I don't know what to tell you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:04 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I guess you haven't read it either, as Romeo totally bangs Juliet before going into exile."
I think, given the subtlety of the language, it's possible one might have missed or forgotten this, especially if they had read it at an impressionable age and an instructor might have tried to scoot past that detail.
Of course, if you saw the Zeffirelli film version at an impressionable age and you didn't remember that they had sex, then I don't know what to tell you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:04 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Huh, I thought you needed 20 MeFites to change a light bulb.
posted by maryr at 4:21 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by maryr at 4:21 PM on August 21, 2012
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender says "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says, "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
posted by Decani at 4:22 PM on August 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by Decani at 4:22 PM on August 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
My friend and I owned a nightclub for about 3 months
Is that you, Tom Haverford?
posted by vidur at 4:25 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is that you, Tom Haverford?
posted by vidur at 4:25 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
What sits on a pirate's shoulder, and squawks, "Pieces of nine!"
A parroty error.
posted by Malor at 4:46 PM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
A parroty error.
posted by Malor at 4:46 PM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
In Memorium: Phyllis Diller's best one-liners
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
and remember that George Carlin was capable of quick, silly, pun-derous one-liners too:
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:47 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners
and remember that George Carlin was capable of quick, silly, pun-derous one-liners too:
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:47 PM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
A joke my son made up:
Q: How many Marines died it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but you need another 20 to set up a perimeter.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 5:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Q: How many Marines died it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but you need another 20 to set up a perimeter.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 5:10 PM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
We shared a laugh and then went on with our miserable lives.
This sounded familiar when you said it, and I'm still having trouble convincing my brain that it isn't a Morrissey lyric.
posted by moss at 5:30 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
This sounded familiar when you said it, and I'm still having trouble convincing my brain that it isn't a Morrissey lyric.
posted by moss at 5:30 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Katjusa Roquette: "How many Marines died it take to change a lightbulb?"
I found this typo very disturbing.
posted by brundlefly at 5:30 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I found this typo very disturbing.
posted by brundlefly at 5:30 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
"How many Marines died it take to change a lightbulb?"
5000, and there was no light bulb to begin with
posted by Renoroc at 5:35 PM on August 21, 2012 [11 favorites]
5000, and there was no light bulb to begin with
posted by Renoroc at 5:35 PM on August 21, 2012 [11 favorites]
How many MetaFilter Posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sorry, but after you hit "Post Comment" there are NO CHANGES.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:40 PM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Sorry, but after you hit "Post Comment" there are NO CHANGES.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:40 PM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloo, me!
What do you call a cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho cheese.
posted by acb at 5:49 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Halloo, me!
What do you call a cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho cheese.
posted by acb at 5:49 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
What did the reverend say when the sauce for the potluck macaroni dish finally arrived?
"What a friend we have in cheeses!"
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:57 PM on August 21, 2012
"What a friend we have in cheeses!"
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:57 PM on August 21, 2012
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a salted.
posted by bongo_x at 6:14 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by bongo_x at 6:14 PM on August 21, 2012
The winning joke was my least favorite, and it’s hard to get with the punchline about funny names if you’re going to call them "Posh and Becks" (which just makes my teeth hurt even thinking those words, I can’t imagine saying them).
The rest of them are pretty great.
posted by bongo_x at 6:18 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
The rest of them are pretty great.
posted by bongo_x at 6:18 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
A disgruntled Higgs Boson leaves a bar.
Bartender says, "You're not welcome 'round these parts."
posted by vozworth at 7:16 PM on August 21, 2012
Bartender says, "You're not welcome 'round these parts."
posted by vozworth at 7:16 PM on August 21, 2012
What's better than fucking twenty two year olds?
21
posted by emhutchinson at 7:34 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
21
posted by emhutchinson at 7:34 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
What's better than fucking twenty two year olds?
21
Well, if we're going to go there...
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
posted by acb at 7:45 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
21
Well, if we're going to go there...
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
posted by acb at 7:45 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sarah Jessica Parker?"
A horse walks into a bar. Jeyne says, "Arya?"
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:57 PM on August 21, 2012
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sarah Jessica Parker?"
A horse walks into a bar. Jeyne says, "Arya?"
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:57 PM on August 21, 2012
Oh, thank you for this delightful thread. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt. Do you want to hear a joke about the number 288? I can't tell you because it's two gross.
Best one liner I heard this week: after posting something particularly witty on Facebook I told my boyfriend I might have just won the Internet. He glanced up at me grimly and mumbled, "What are we supposed to do with all of those cats?"
posted by milk white peacock at 10:13 PM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
Best one liner I heard this week: after posting something particularly witty on Facebook I told my boyfriend I might have just won the Internet. He glanced up at me grimly and mumbled, "What are we supposed to do with all of those cats?"
posted by milk white peacock at 10:13 PM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]
Q. How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Replace.
posted by Spatch at 12:03 AM on August 22, 2012 [9 favorites]
A. Replace.
posted by Spatch at 12:03 AM on August 22, 2012 [9 favorites]
Me: "Was watching the news earlier and another actress got stabbed in Hollywood."
You: "Who?"
Me: "Reese... er..."
You: "Witherspoon?"
Me: "Nah it was a knife."
posted by panaceanot at 12:40 AM on August 22, 2012
You: "Who?"
Me: "Reese... er..."
You: "Witherspoon?"
Me: "Nah it was a knife."
posted by panaceanot at 12:40 AM on August 22, 2012
A gymnast walks into a bar. The judges dock him two points and it ruins his chance of a gold medal.
Tim Vine and Stuart Francis have essentially the same act, just rapidfire quick gags like these. There are plenty of examples on YouTube.
posted by salmacis at 12:59 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Tim Vine and Stuart Francis have essentially the same act, just rapidfire quick gags like these. There are plenty of examples on YouTube.
posted by salmacis at 12:59 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Three feminists walk into a bar, then high five each other for infiltrating a male-dominated genre of joke.
posted by solotoro at 3:34 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by solotoro at 3:34 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
How many members of a given group does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A finite number. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the remainder to behave in a manner stereotypical to the group.
posted by LogicalDash at 3:51 AM on August 22, 2012 [15 favorites]
A finite number. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the remainder to behave in a manner stereotypical to the group.
posted by LogicalDash at 3:51 AM on August 22, 2012 [15 favorites]
Timing.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:35 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:35 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you like this you'll love Milton Jones: "I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can't run."
I saw a bus once whose sign was alternating between "Not In Service" and "Express". Ha ha, I thought, you're going nowhere fast.
posted by stebulus at 6:36 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
I saw a bus once whose sign was alternating between "Not In Service" and "Express". Ha ha, I thought, you're going nowhere fast.
posted by stebulus at 6:36 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
What's the secret to comedy?
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:37 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:37 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
What do you call a swimming cat with no front legs or back legs?
A bobcat.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:40 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
A bobcat.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:40 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
posted by mule98J at 11:08 AM on August 22, 2012
Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
posted by mule98J at 11:08 AM on August 22, 2012
Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you racist!
posted by acb at 11:12 AM on August 22, 2012
A: A pilot, you racist!
posted by acb at 11:12 AM on August 22, 2012
And 100 more top jokes from Edinburgh:
"I decided to lose weight as I have learned obesity is the leading cause of heart disease, stroke and your flirting at work being construed as harassment" Pete Johansson, Udderbelly – Pastureposted by acb at 2:28 PM on August 22, 2012
"Elections are like police line-ups, only with elections you pick the person before they rob you and screw you. It's like a game of choose your mugger." Chopper, Udderbelly Pasture
"I am tired of hearing discrimination against Americans. Everybody hates Americans until they need to watch a good film, listen to some decent hip hop or go to war. What do you get when you add sunshine and personal space to a Brit? An American. Add health care and education and you get a Canadian." Dana Alexander, Udderbelly Pasture
"God Save the Queen: someone who doesn't exist saving someone who shouldn't – like Super Ted saving Gary Glitter." Lloyd Langford, Assembly Rooms
"'Aged rum is a sophisticated spirit that should be sipped neat and savoured. Not drowned in Coke like Whitney Houston." The Thinking Drinkers Guide to Alcohol, Assembly Rooms
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A. Heat it in a microwave for 20 minutes, and its bill withers.
posted by das1969 at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
A. Heat it in a microwave for 20 minutes, and its bill withers.
posted by das1969 at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
How do you fit two dozen yuppies into one Le Car?
La Machine!
[wait, what year is it? Oh, sorry, I thought it was 1981.]
How do you get them out?
A straw!
posted by not_on_display at 4:16 PM on August 22, 2012
La Machine!
[wait, what year is it? Oh, sorry, I thought it was 1981.]
How do you get them out?
A straw!
posted by not_on_display at 4:16 PM on August 22, 2012
Lawyers.
posted by LogicalDash at 7:42 PM on August 22, 2012
posted by LogicalDash at 7:42 PM on August 22, 2012
Timing!
posted by The Whelk at 7:51 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 7:51 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
That "100 Jokes" link was not much to laugh at either, with a few exceptions:
"I put my phone on Airplane setting and it told me not to call it Shirley." Catie Wilkins, Udderbellyposted by oneswellfoop at 10:53 PM on August 22, 2012
"I'm trying to read Kama Sutra on the train but it has put the other passengers in an awkward position." Al Pitcher, Gilded Balloon
“I used to be in a very tidy rock band. OC/DC.” Rob Deering, Pleasance Courtyard
Two buzzards were dragging a dead badger onto an airplane.
The cabin attendant said, "You can't bring that in here!"
The buzzards said, "Of course we can. It's carry-on"
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 4:39 PM on August 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
The cabin attendant said, "You can't bring that in here!"
The buzzards said, "Of course we can. It's carry-on"
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 4:39 PM on August 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Some people like to wear only one glove, but on the other hand what do you have?
posted by mikepop at 7:09 PM on August 26, 2012
posted by mikepop at 7:09 PM on August 26, 2012
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posted by papercake at 10:55 AM on August 21, 2012 [4 favorites]