Long May You Live, Yeah - But How Long Exactly Will It Be?
November 1, 2001 3:05 AM   Subscribe

Long May You Live, Yeah - But How Long Exactly Will It Be? Today is Dia De Los Muertos and it's high time you found out just how long you'll remain amongst Los Vivos. So go ahead and try North Western Mutual's Longevity Game. And here's an appropriately macabre twist to add to your findings: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, God forbid, what would you choose as your last meal ?
posted by MiguelCardoso (42 comments total)
73! Holy crap! I gotta start taking drugs again!

(Note : this is not an admission that I ever have, or ever will at any undetermined time in the future, partake of illicit pharmaceuticals for the sake of ill-advised wheeee!)

That said, last meal : a whole crapload of peyote.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:38 AM on November 1, 2001

I'll live to be 79, if that Northwestern thing is right. And my last meal doesn't involve food. I think that's all I need to say. ;-)
posted by allaboutgeorge at 3:39 AM on November 1, 2001

I noticed that I've been saying 'crap' a lot lately. I gotta cut that crap out.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:47 AM on November 1, 2001

88! Yee-haa! Josh Kirby, eat your heart out. (Warning: heart may contain saturated fats.)
posted by rory at 4:08 AM on November 1, 2001

Close small tag. Bad wonder-chicken! ;)
posted by rory at 4:10 AM on November 1, 2001

Close second small tag. Kids, let this be a warning to you from your venerable great-unca Rory.
posted by rory at 4:11 AM on November 1, 2001

84, which is an eleven year bonus on the last highly scientific consultation I took. I think the extra life is to allow for all the extra boxes you have to tick to get the better quote.
posted by wassock at 4:15 AM on November 1, 2001

I really suck at the internet tonight.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:19 AM on November 1, 2001

Dying tomorrow? How could my last meal *not* be ManBeef?
posted by warhol at 4:37 AM on November 1, 2001

it tests how long you will live 'after your retirement'.

what a load of crap, waste of my time.

better link please.

next !
posted by Frasermoo at 4:53 AM on November 1, 2001

Why, warhol, you anthropophagus, you...Darn brought back memories of that old home cooking I used to love, I can tell ya!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 4:54 AM on November 1, 2001

91, even with a parent with cardiovascular problems and having stopped smoking less than two years ago.
posted by phooey at 5:04 AM on November 1, 2001

Sheesh...and I thought 73 was pretty good! Of course if the years 73 to 91 were dominated by Depends Adult Undergarments and bedsores, well, hell, I'll take 73.

Now that's a cheery thought.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:09 AM on November 1, 2001

Holy shit! Apparently, I died a year ago.

Man, I wish I would have made one last trip to the Salt Lick.
posted by ColdChef at 5:13 AM on November 1, 2001

I really suck at the internet tonight.

I wondered where it was all disappearing to ...
posted by walrus at 5:13 AM on November 1, 2001

I dunno, stavros, they look pretty good to me...
posted by MiguelCardoso at 5:17 AM on November 1, 2001

::is briefly tempted to indulge in sexual innuendo about Mrs. M. T. McNarney, rejects it as unwonderchickenlike::
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:19 AM on November 1, 2001

That Texas list of last meals is cool/creepy. What prompted them to put that on the web? Interesting that most of the last meal requests were really simple foods reflecting the requester's culture (apparently). Most seemed to be "comfort" foods.

My last meal request would be:

2 whole lobsters, boiled, not split (very important - I'll break 'em open myself, thank you), garlic butter on the side (no candle, please)

Tortellini with pesto


1 ear of corn

Baked swordfish on a bed of linguini with alfredo sauce

chocolate milk
posted by yesster at 5:51 AM on November 1, 2001

Oh, my goodness: 94! Well, in that case, I'll have a medium-rare steak, baked potato, green salad, and something rich and chocolate for dessert.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:09 AM on November 1, 2001

i've got till 64 apparently. but i'm getting the impression this thing's unfairly weighted against car crashing alcoholic drug users. there's just no justice
posted by titboy at 6:11 AM on November 1, 2001

90. but I'm already more than halfway there...

The last meal link is COOL. And the fact that there are no vegetarian last meals clearly indicates one of two things:

1. the death penalty is not being applied equally to all social strata, (i.e. where are all the vegan criminals?)

2. tofu really does suck ass.
posted by groundhog at 6:26 AM on November 1, 2001

groundhog -

there were a couple of vegetarian last meals on that list (and several "no requests")

check Frank McFarland (about halfway down the list) - no meat, but not strictly vegan, since he asked for cheese

Also Karla Tucker, Kenneth Gentry, and (how could you miss it - 6th on the list) Miguel Richardson (who has a weird birthday cake request as well as lots of fruit and a very specific "no meat" request)

Look at Robert Madden (executed in '97) - "asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person"

So, groundhog, your statement "there are no vegetarian last meals" was factually incorrect. Furthermore, even if it were true, your conclusions aren't the only ones to draw. How about 3. vegans are less prone to murderous violence.

By the way, I'm not a vegan. I like meat. Just thought your post was stupid.
posted by yesster at 6:44 AM on November 1, 2001

Looks like I'll make it to 83
posted by Lanternjmk at 7:05 AM on November 1, 2001

Sorry, yesster. but I think you're taking my previous post a wee bit too seriously.

I was serious about the tofu, however.
posted by groundhog at 7:09 AM on November 1, 2001

96. but, oops, they forgot to find out that I have a chronic, life-threatening illness! I love getting health information on the internet!
posted by rabi at 7:23 AM on November 1, 2001

That damn machine only gave me until 76... but what I want to know is, how come drinking beer takes five years off, but NOT shooting smack only adds one year on? That hardly seems fair...
posted by spilon at 7:39 AM on November 1, 2001

I simply can't believe no one voted for pancakes yet, so I will on their behalf.

Would it be too much to ask a non-clueless newbie what, exactly is the deal with pancakes? Where did the joke come from?
posted by Sinner at 8:22 AM on November 1, 2001

pancake: linkless post (maple syrup on this one please)
posted by walrus at 8:26 AM on November 1, 2001

Speaking of the Texas inmates' last meals, check out this screensaver based on such facts.
posted by mlaaker at 8:28 AM on November 1, 2001

groundhog - no, I wasn't taking your post seriously. I know it was an attempt at humor. But I did think it was stupid (and still do). Oh, well.

Yeah, the longevity calculator thingy is way, way too simplistic. Using illegal drugs? Certainly a smack habit is more damaging than smoking pot.

But notice who is hosting it -- they're using traditional insurance underwriter criteria for risk assessment.

Makes me think -- just because that's what the insurance companies have always done, doesn't mean it's the best practice. If this quiz is an indicator of risk assessment techniques, then there should be a significant competitive advantage in coming up with a more sophisticated system.
posted by yesster at 8:43 AM on November 1, 2001

You people are worrying about nothing. Millions now living will never die.
posted by aramaic at 9:05 AM on November 1, 2001

"Barnes, Jr. Odell...Justice, Equality, World Peace"

There's nothing quite like going to your death hungry, is there?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:16 AM on November 1, 2001

dude I'll tell you what my last meal is gonna be be! a lotta weed! oh my god I just said a lot of weed sdfsdafsd

and you know what the last meal I had was? a lotta weed! lol
posted by mcsweetie at 9:17 AM on November 1, 2001

mcsweetie: stop eating so many salads....
posted by dwivian at 9:20 AM on November 1, 2001

86, with good diet & drug use. I have always believed it is much worse to have a poor diet than it is to get faded once a while...
posted by thekorruptor at 9:49 AM on November 1, 2001

The last meal link is COOL. And the fact that there are no vegetarian last meals

Scroll down to Carla Faye Tucker's last meal. . .When my mom first got the internet I sent her a link to this site, just to show how useless but interesting the internet can be. . .to say the least, she didn't see the charm. . .
posted by Danf at 11:04 AM on November 1, 2001

143 here. I somehow beat the system.
posted by mapalm at 11:30 AM on November 1, 2001

"Millions now living will never die."
Nice one, aramaic.
posted by smich at 11:39 AM on November 1, 2001

What the hell is with the separate and final "Race of Victim/s" category on the offender fact-file? Like it's the final word on the crime. As a naive citizen of a happy wee pacific nation that really creeps me out.

Mind, so did that request for "1/2 pound of chitterlings, fried chicken (dark meat), 10 slices of bacon, 1 raw onion..."
posted by Catch at 12:27 PM on November 1, 2001

Millions now living will never die.

My last meal would be steamed Tortoise.
posted by hellinskira at 1:12 PM on November 1, 2001

I like how I can start smoking again and not lower my time if I do some "moderate exercise"...seems worth it to me.The last meal will start with Humbolt green and develop into a feast of spotted owl, bald eagle and rhinoceros. How I have missed those one-time staples.
posted by Mack Twain at 1:54 PM on November 1, 2001

I am immortal, and there is no way you can definitively prove to me that I am not.
posted by EatenByAGrue at 5:06 PM on November 1, 2001

« Older Josh Kirby has Died   |   Everything starts with an E Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments