There are things it doesn't say on the tin.

January 5, 2013 2:44 PM

The customer reviews on Amazon.co.uk's Veet For Men Hair Removal Gel Creme are not for the fainthearted. "Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did..."
posted by Diablevert (69 comments total)

I suggest sorting by most helpful.
posted by Diablevert at 2:46 PM on January 5, 2013

This is great if for no other reason than to learn a ton of different slang words for testicles. 5 stars!
posted by Drumhellz at 2:49 PM on January 5, 2013 [15 favorites]

I am now crying.
posted by bq at 2:49 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am too. Of laughter.
posted by DreamerFi at 2:54 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:57 PM on January 5, 2013 [21 favorites]

Rookie mistake. Always test your shaving methods on a kiwifruit before going for your scrotum.
posted by mccarty.tim at 2:57 PM on January 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

But can you pee while curled up in a ball laughing? If not, there's a product that would give you the needed experience...
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:57 PM on January 5, 2013

On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
- My pain threshold has almost trebled
- I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.....

omg the laughter
posted by TangerineGurl at 2:59 PM on January 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

Great gift for that hard to buy for man
posted by chavenet at 3:00 PM on January 5, 2013

Note also the rather interesting customer submitted images. Looks like somebody has been performing some experiments of a highly scientific nature.
posted by TheDorkReport at 3:08 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Man, that was the funniest thing I have read in years.

On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
- My pain threshold has almost trebled
- I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
- using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island.

It is due only to point 3 that this product gets 5 stars.

Pure comedy gold.
posted by vac2003 at 3:08 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nothing quite so inspiring to eloquence than offense to a man's genitalia.
posted by carsonb at 3:11 PM on January 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

Some other good ones that I've enjoyed recently: Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml and Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
posted by Bare Ruined Choirs at 3:12 PM on January 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

Also, if only these guys had thought to Ask MetaFilter first.
posted by carsonb at 3:13 PM on January 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

(Though the tweezers suggestion is really bad. I cannot believe that the person who made that suggestion purportedly has bollocks of his own.)
posted by carsonb at 3:14 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ahh, it's always good to check the testie-moanials before you buy.
posted by pulposus at 3:27 PM on January 5, 2013 [13 favorites]

Like many others I had bought this product as an alterenative to shaving, even though I use the razor regularly it always leaves stubble so through this would last longer - well it definately does.

When (if) my tackle does grow back I'm sure it will be completely hairless.

Whilst this does exactly what it says on the box, a cheaper (and less painful) method might be to apply petrol to the nether regions & set fire.

Ow.
posted by ArkhanJG at 3:41 PM on January 5, 2013

So, among the perfect pitchmen:
Wilfred Brimley for oatmeal and diabeetus.
Randy Savage for Slim Jim.
John Houseman for Smith Barney

Elderly Rastafarian for Veet for men.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:47 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

Yours,
Ali Muhabarakah,
Secret Police, Damascus


I believe my dad once made a similar claim about the juice he had to drink to prep for his colonosocopy.
posted by phunniemee at 3:49 PM on January 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

carsonb, in addition to the Tweezers Suggestion, that AskMe thread contains this dubious gem as well: "Mr. Cooley experienced a severe infection which eventually disintegrated his scrotum and caused a prolapse of his testicles."

Horrifying.
posted by Scientist at 3:53 PM on January 5, 2013

As good as these are, I rate these reviews five stars for introducing me to Carol Vorderman. This is where, in a cartoon, I would turn into a wolf, howl, and my implausibly long tongue would unfurl onto the ground.
posted by cmoj at 4:03 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Wow, this is a euphemism gold mine...
posted by the painkiller at 4:03 PM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

I keep thinking this is a double - why?
posted by psoas at 4:06 PM on January 5, 2013

I guess I'm old school. For trimming the bushes down below, for men and women, I think a pair of scissors is all that's needed. If the scissors don't get every bit of hair, it wasn't mean to be. A decent trim is good enough.
posted by zardoz at 4:12 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

my once proud Biggles looks more like the lone equine survivor of a fire at a donkey sanctuary.

"Biggles."
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:12 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I have checked with my other half and am glad to report that in my house a special treat for the missus will still be a cheese straw or cake from the local baker or some minty matchmakers.
posted by biffa at 4:13 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Never mind the bollocks, here's the maroon coloured bag of agony.
posted by DecemberBoy at 4:19 PM on January 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

Brilliant.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:28 PM on January 5, 2013

Haven't laughed that hard in a long time. These are brilliant.
posted by freakazoid at 4:35 PM on January 5, 2013

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen
posted by shakespeherian at 4:38 PM on January 5, 2013 [31 favorites]

The long poem about spiced nuts was a big winner at our house.
posted by immlass at 4:56 PM on January 5, 2013

I like rhymes that happen in British English but not American English. Nice internal rhyme scheme as well.

I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw
posted by infinitewindow at 5:02 PM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Picture the scene: a badly sunburnt, blistered and shaved Boris Johnson carries two red Space Hoppers accross the surface of Mars.

Literally crying with laughter.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:15 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh my god...the one with the sprout...crying...can't breathe...
posted by biscotti at 5:23 PM on January 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

Having spoken with representatives of the 20-something generation, who have assured me without hesitation or humor that sex with people who have not removed the carpeting is just gross, I'm inclined to share this link, if only to see their response.

Deforestation requires (not only) regular maintenance, but sometimes it's better to leave the flooring just as it is.
posted by datawrangler at 5:25 PM on January 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Now, I have to wonder, is there a good chemical depilatory for genital use? Where "good" is defined as relatively inexpensive, not difficult to use, effective, and nondamaging.
posted by kafziel at 5:30 PM on January 5, 2013

I keep thinking this is a double - why?

Same here, I think it’s because I saw at least one of these on Least Helpful
posted by bongo_x at 5:33 PM on January 5, 2013

I have checked with my other half and am glad to report that in my house a special treat for the missus will still be a cheese straw or cake from the local baker or some minty matchmakers.

Are these yet more colorful euphemisms?
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:33 PM on January 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

On a trip into town I saw a tube of Veet and the product description seemed ideal for my purposes. I didn't read the instructions because I'm a man.

I love the British so much.
posted by availablelight at 5:42 PM on January 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

minty matchmakers

Good god, man, don't put toothpaste on it!
posted by kafziel at 5:45 PM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter: DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS!
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:56 PM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

I try to tell people that manicured parkland is a really worthwhile balance between wilderness and a paved parking lot. this much pain just isn't justifiable (but its funny as fuuuuuuuuck!!!)
posted by supermedusa at 6:01 PM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Now, I have to wonder, is there a good chemical depilatory for genital use? Where "good" is defined as relatively inexpensive, not difficult to use, effective, and nondamaging.

I'm sure someone will actually know, but there are some designed for use on the face, which would be a start, if you wanted to conduct an experiment.
posted by hoyland at 6:08 PM on January 5, 2013

I accidentally applied this product to my womb raider, coin purse and coal hole after mistaking it for almond flavoured cake icing (it was my wife's birthday). Within eight minutes I was positioning myself on a railway line in a desperate attempt to remove the lower half of my body and thus relieving me of the phenomenal pain inflicted upon me by this work of unspeakable evil. Alas, my attempts were futile as all trains were cancelled due to another Veet related incident further up the line.

...and there are 60 more pages of these dry, British gems yet I'm left pontificating why a such a classy gent would have thought to apply almond cake icing to his "Kilroys and Silks"
posted by coachfortner at 6:13 PM on January 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Now, I have to wonder, is there a good chemical depilatory for genital use? Where "good" is defined as relatively inexpensive, not difficult to use, effective, and nondamaging.

I have no idea how good it is, but I was pretty sure the manufacturer of the pubic hair dye I knew about would have a depilatory and I was right. (No, I haven't tried the dye, but I have wondered a lot.)
posted by immlass at 6:16 PM on January 5, 2013

I am laughing so hard it actually hurts. I'm five months pregnant and the baby is clearly perturbed. In other words: reviews not recommended for expectant mothers.
posted by town of cats at 6:17 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

A friend of mine tried this very same product in the late '90s - on his legs, not his junk (we were both bike racers). His girlfriend applied it and oh, man the howling - me and the girl (she was applying it) with laughter, my friend with pain. "It's takin' the fuckin' skin off! Aaaahhh!" and so on. And that was the end of the Veet experiment.

I can only imagine using it on the nether regions. I am a little taken aback that any human being with hair down there would daub this stuff on without trying it elsewhere, but some folks like to jump in with both feet, I suppose.
posted by Mister_A at 6:26 PM on January 5, 2013

Your reference to feet, is that the Biblical meaning? Because, if so, hat tip to you.
posted by jadepearl at 6:45 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

kafziel: Now, I have to wonder, is there a good chemical depilatory for genital use? Where "good" is defined as relatively inexpensive, not difficult to use, effective, and nondamaging.

Try one of the depilatory powders sold in the black men's grooming products section of the drug store (They are more prone to ingrown hairs than white men are; they need these things).

Do a patch test first -- a bit of your leg or arm or somewhere else that's growing hair and where if you get a rash it won't affect your daily goings-about. And then, if you get a rash, throw the product out and give up on the idea. Otherwise, try a small patch again on something more delicate before proceeding.

Follow the directions to the letter, for fuck's sake. Don't try to think you're smarter than the manufacturers are about how to apply and for how long.
posted by at by at 6:48 PM on January 5, 2013

Now, I have to wonder, is there a good chemical depilatory for genital use? Where "good" is defined as relatively inexpensive, not difficult to use, effective, and nondamaging.

I highly doubt it. Anything strong enough to dissolve pubic hair is going to burn that sensitive skin something fierce.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:51 PM on January 5, 2013

Try one of the depilatory powders sold in the black men's grooming products section of the drug store (They are more prone to ingrown hairs than white men are; they need these things).

Do a patch test first

Allow me to amend this recommendation:

For the love of all that is holy do a patch test first.

There was this white guy in basic training who saw that the black guys on shaving profiles were using shaving powder. He thought that seemed pretty neat and he was tired of razor burn from having only cold water to shave with and all that, so on the next PX run he bought himself some shaving powder, then didn't bother to patch test.

His skin burned so badly he ended up looking like a circus clown or the closing scenes of Bellflower, but in red. Once the drill sergeants were done yelling and heckling they allowed as how there's one who does that every training cycle.
posted by mph at 7:05 PM on January 5, 2013

at by: "Try one of the depilatory powders sold in the black men's grooming products section of the drug store"

Tried that once, dissolved skin along with hair. For me waxing is the best option.
posted by the_artificer at 7:11 PM on January 5, 2013

kafziel: Now, I have to wonder, is there a good chemical depilatory for genital use? Where "good" is defined as relatively inexpensive, not difficult to use, effective, and nondamaging.

Try one of the depilatory powders sold in the black men's grooming products section of the drug store (They are more prone to ingrown hairs than white men are; they need these things).

Magic shaving powder works. It made my face skin melt, and the "hey, I'd like to see what having a smooth chest is like" experiment was like bathing in battery acid, but the grouch bag is silky smooth. Protip: go under on the time (if you feel burning, you've waited too long), rinse gently but thoroughly, and if you don't get everything, wait a few days and try again.
posted by gjc at 7:41 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

The hub & I were both sobbing with laughter after the second "review" - cannot imagine reading all 61 pages but oh lord -the funny - it burns!
posted by leslies at 8:21 PM on January 5, 2013

Came for the turd tunnel, stayed for the chutney channel!
posted by vibrotronica at 8:28 PM on January 5, 2013

Is the fact that they all give the product five stars in the end part of the ongoing gag or is this a sort of viral marketing? (Along the lines of "There's really no such thing as bad press.") I'm surprised nobody called that out yet.
posted by ReeMonster at 9:35 PM on January 5, 2013

psoas: "I keep thinking this is a double - why?"

More like a double and a single.
posted by Kevin Street at 10:47 PM on January 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

It's probably just deja vu all over again.
posted by Pudhoho at 11:08 PM on January 5, 2013

One of the "reviews" of the Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk (mentioned upthread) also linked to the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer -- comedy gold!
posted by dhens at 12:12 AM on January 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

And then the front page provides an appropriate visual!
posted by pulposus at 12:45 AM on January 6, 2013

These seem like they were all written by the same guy.
posted by Malice at 1:36 AM on January 6, 2013

My laughter just woke up the S.O. - thanks, bub. I wish I could favorite this post twice.
posted by hoodrich at 1:44 AM on January 6, 2013

I believe my dad once made a similar claim about the juice he had to drink to prep for his colonosocopy.

Not only did I enjoy the taste of the stuff I had to drink the night before my own colonoscopy, but after the sluices had been flushed, as it were, and nothing but clear fluid was coming out (at jet-speed velocity still), I kind of liked the feeling of being emptied out and intestinally sparkly clean.

I understand this is not a common response to the experience.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:51 AM on January 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

These seem like they were all written by the same guy.

Every man jack of them is a former letter writer to Viz.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:12 AM on January 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Since we're here, I had felt generally dissatisfied with my cleanliness back there, and also thought that my wiping was also impaired, so tried this stuff (aloe version) and it worked great. Not a Klingon since. Unfortunately it smells like the corpse of a bottle of Brut festering in a Calcutta gutter.

So what I'm saying is that I recommend it, but do it in the shower.
posted by Evilspork at 4:08 AM on January 6, 2013

And the Silver Beaver Depilatory Award* goes to....

* Lady friends and I have all had nether region hair removal snafus such that we have taken to handing out this award to each other.
posted by Leezie at 9:53 AM on January 6, 2013

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk

I understand why the photographer chose to pose the steering wheel upside down, but it perhaps indicates a minor design flaw that should be brought to the attention of the manufacturer.
posted by scalefree at 10:30 AM on January 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

There was a little discussion a few years back about Picolax (the normal colonoscopy prep in the UK) on Singletrack magazine when someone asked if they should go riding after taking it. The consensus was no.

I take it for my triennial colonoscopies, and it's generally unproblematic for me. But then I'm the kind of person whose bowel needs triennial monitoring. The first time I took it it was pretty gross, I have to say.
posted by ambrosen at 11:38 AM on January 6, 2013

I used Veet on my naked skull once, because I wanted the shiny look after shaving for a cure. My friends were enthusiastically rubbing it in when I started hearing hissing noises - which was my skull skin boiling and erupting. I complained mildly (I after all have been through childbirth) and one particularly stupid (male) friend said, no, no, we're not finished. My piercing screams released me, and I jumped into the shower completely clothed to rinse the acid off my head. I did not have a smooth shiny skull afterwards, but a naked one with pustules. Here's proof.
posted by b33j at 3:11 PM on January 6, 2013