January 23, 2013 1:56 PM   Subscribe

1. Be the first to leave a snide comment and then get the hell out before anyone else replies.
posted by orme at 1:58 PM on January 23, 2013 [2 favorites]

^ Jerk. =)
posted by stenseng at 2:02 PM on January 23, 2013

I don't see anything about pointing guns at other people on that list.
posted by backseatpilot at 2:04 PM on January 23, 2013 [3 favorites]

100. Lots of emoticons ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:05 PM on January 23, 2013 [7 favorites]

AvoidConflict. Just avoid the conflict altogether.

Intriguing. Brb
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:07 PM on January 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've always liked "Logical Rudeness".
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 2:07 PM on January 23, 2013 [5 favorites]

Missing the "Nuke it from orbit" technique.
posted by hellojed at 2:12 PM on January 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't see anything about pointing guns at other people on that list.

The list originally had an entry for "Shoot first" but checking the edit history logs it looks it got removed by user GLucas a while back.
posted by cortex at 2:31 PM on January 23, 2013 [8 favorites]

from Chocolate Pickle's link:
Gerda: So you believe x, y, and z. But you are mistaken. Consider evidence a, b, and c. What do you say?

Grobian: It's a mystery. If I could understand it, I wouldn't believe it. I can't help it if it's the truth. One day perhaps you'll see the light too.

I saw this happen just the other day. This is very frustrating! Thanks for the link.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:40 PM on January 23, 2013

Become the knot.

Own that baby!

(Thus, I am happy to follow the man of twists and turns)
posted by BlueHorse at 2:59 PM on January 23, 2013

Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out.
posted by Ryvar at 3:00 PM on January 23, 2013

This list needs to be fleshed out a little more before I would call it Best of the Web. It's a wiki and I could flesh it out myself, you say? I'd rather make a passive aggressive comment, thanks.

One thing you notice about people who first start learning about conflict mediation and resolution is that they end up finding themselves in a lot of them and sometimes more frustrated than when they started learning, which is when it's good to remember that different people have different backgrounds and have had different access to healthy communication knowledge.

If you want to see a master facilitator at work, I always recommend "The Color of Fear." The pivoting of the conflict is so subtle that you don't even realize there's any facilitation at all until the end.
posted by Skwirl at 3:10 PM on January 23, 2013 [4 favorites]

What depresses and encourages me about this list is a lot of them I had through my own hard earned lessons come to myself, but I still cannot actually experience the fruit of conflict avoidance in the relationships that matter most to me. Two people who care about each other and think deeply along these lines though seem set up for success, even if they don't ultimately achieve it.
posted by scunning at 3:15 PM on January 23, 2013

Going forward: whenever I write a function that relies on hacks to work around someone else's mistakes, I shall call that function EnlistIdiots.
posted by davejay at 3:19 PM on January 23, 2013

Based on my experience working with wikipedia and open source projects, I agree that sincerely applying principles like these are the only way to avoid conflicts online.

However, such is the nature of such projects that this list can/could easily be retitled "things to accuse someone of doing in order to derail conversations and start arguments".
posted by Another Fine Product From The Nonsense Factory at 3:45 PM on January 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

What, no take it to Metatalk?
posted by sien at 4:01 PM on January 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

Popping a balloon or dropping a tray of glasses can work wonders.

Known as the Marx Brothers Approach.
posted by scratch at 4:02 PM on January 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I could maybe read that crazyfont for a short wiki-list, but not a lengthy wiki-list.
posted by headnsouth at 4:20 PM on January 23, 2013

Scratch that, on my son's computer and he inexplicably had Zapf Chancery as his default font! I was about ready to seek out conflict, but luckily now I can read the entire list.
posted by headnsouth at 4:38 PM on January 23, 2013

I thought this was going to be a link to John Tynes and Greg Stolze's great bit from the RPG Unknown Armies:

Somewhere out there is someone who had loving parents, watched clouds on a summer's day, fell in love, lost a friend, is kind to small animals, and knows how to say "please" and "thank you," and yet somehow the two of you are going to end up in a dirty little room with one knife between you and you are going to have to kill that human being.

It's a terrible thing. Not just because he's come to the same realization and wants to survive just as much as you do, meaning he's going to try and puncture your internal organs to set off a cascading trauma effect that ends with you voiding your bowels, dying alone and removed from everything you've ever loved. No, it's a terrible thing because somewhere along the way you could have made a different choice. You could have avoided that knife, that room, and maybe even found some kind of common ground between the two of you. Or at least, you might have divvied up some turf and left each other alone. That would've been a lot smarter, wouldn't it? Even dogs are smart enough to do that. Now you're staring into the eyes of a fellow human and in a couple minutes one of you is going to be vomiting to the rhythm of a fading heartbeat. The survivor is going to remember this night for the rest of his or her life.

So before you make a grab for that knife, you should maybe think about a few things. This moment is frozen in time. You can still make better choices.

Surrender. Is your pride really worth a human life? Drop your weapon, put up your hands, and tell them you're ready to cut a deal. You walk, and in exchange you give them something they need. Sidestep the current agenda. Offer them something unrelated to your dispute, and negociate to find a solution.

Disarm. Knife on the table? Throw it out the window. Opponent with a gun? Dodge until he's out of bullets. Deescalate the situation to fists, if possible. You can settle your differences with some brawling and still walk away, plus neither one of you has to face a murder charge or a criminal investigation.

Rechannel. So you have a conflict. Settle it in a smarter way. Arm wrestle, play cards, have a scavenger hunt, a drinking contest, anything that lets you establish a winner and a loser. Smart gamblers bet nothing they aren't willing to lose. Why put your life on the line?

Pass the Buck. Is there somebody more powerful then either one of you who is going to be angry that you two are coming to blows? Pretend you're all in the mafia and you can't just kill each other without kicking your dispute upstairs first. Let that symbolic superior make a decision. You both gain clout for not spilling blood.

Call the Cops. If you've got a grievance against somebody, let the police do your dirty work. File charges. Get a restraining order. Sue him in civil court for wrongful harm. You can beat him down without throwing a punch.

Run Away. The hell with it. Who needs this kind of heat? Blow town, get a job some place else, build a new power base. Is the world really too small for the both of you? It's a big planet out there.

Still determined? Backed into a corner with no way out? Have to fight for the greater good? Up against someone too stupid to know this is a bad idea? Or maybe just itching for some action? So be it. The rest of this chapter contains rules for simulating the murder of human beings. Have fun.

posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:41 PM on January 23, 2013 [8 favorites]

Missing the "Nuke it from orbit" technique.

For smart people you people don't understand wikis.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:49 PM on January 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

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